01x12 - Black Squirrels

[bunniefuu]

This is ridiculous.

We gotta stand in line for school?

To pass through
a metal detector, no less.

Is that what it's come to?
[ Beeping ]

I'm telling you, Mr. Briggs, it's in my cast.
I put coins in there.

I use it as a bank so my
brother don't steal from me.

All right, that's enough. Move along.
Get outta here.

I welcome this sh*t, okay?

School gettin' more violent
every damn day.

Some teacher got stabbed in the
a*s with a compass last week.

A compass is a tool for mathematics
and learning, not bloodshed.

You know I got my earring
stole out my own damn locker?

- You're wearing an earring now?
- Yeah, that's what's up, man. It was diamond-studded too.

I can't really see you in an earring.
Doesn't seem like your thing.

Don't focus on the earring. Focus
on the theft of my belongings.

That's what you do.

First off, are you sure
they'd even let us in?

I mean, it's a Latina g*ng. [
Scoffs ] It doesn't matter, Megan.

The Latina Rollers just wanna
get their numbers up...

so it makes 'em more powerful.

This is a great opportunity for us.

Oh, hold up. You guys
are joining a g*ng now?

I'm sorry.
Is it opposite day?

Uh, news flash, ladies. Gangs don't
solve violence. They perpetuate it.

And they also protect their
members, which is why I'm joining.

I'll be safe,
and that's all that matters.

Now, I do wanna know more about them.
Do they have a Web site?

[ Scoffs ] Megan, you are so stupid.

Gangs are all about secrets. You don't
find out those secrets on a Web site.

You have to join.

Yo, yo. Watch out, guys.
JoJo's coming through.

Oh, damn. What the hell
happened to JoJo, man?

He crossed some miscreants that
jumped him in the hallway.

Wound up breaking his pelvis.

Roll proud, JoJo. Come on,
JoJo, you're doin' great.

- JoJo's coming through, guys.
- Shut up. Stop looking at me.

Oh. Does not seem
to be taking it well.

It's a sad day when not
even the bullies are safe.

- [ Alarm Ringing ]
- Knife! We got a knife.

All right, he holdin' a blade, y'all.
Get JoJo. Get JoJo.

[ Students Clamoring ]

[ Groans ] Aw, frig.

Holla at your boy.

Damn, dude.
♪ [ Ends ]

Can't believe they stabbed
Mr. Briggs in the forehead.

They said one more inch and it
would have pierced his brain.

See, now, my head's tellin' me,

"Yo, Joel, bring a weapon to school.

You're gonna need it to protect
yourself." I know. Me too.

But is that the life we wanna lead?

Fending off men with knives just
so we can conduct our studies?

That's no way to live.
[ Gasps ]

Oh, sh*t.
My window's busted, dude.

- [ Clattering ]
- Dude, you hear that? There's someone in here.

A prowler!
Prowler alert.

Prowler! Prowler!
Prowler.

That's it.
I'm calling 911.

Yo. I think he's
in the wall.

[ Groans ]

Aw, frick!
Fell on my d*ck!

Brian? What the hell are you doing here?

I'm puttin' in a skylight up there.

What do you think? I'm frickin'
stealing wires, idiot.

So I see you've gotten out of prison.

Would have been nice if you told your family.
Why don't I just tell...

the president of the United
States while I'm at it?

Good to see you again, Brian.

What became of your teeth?

[ Slurping ] Poachers.

Lost 'em in the joint.

They use 'em for jewelry,
weapons, sign of dominance.

That sort of thing.
Ugh. Sounds gruesome.

Gotta cover your genitals in poison
ivy just to keep 'em off you.

Oh, God.
Ugh.

You ever had the shits when you got
an as*h*le filled with poison ivy?

- That's real pain.
- Good to know. Thank you.

Good news is, you can put that
behind you, 'cause you're out now.

Eh! I'll be back there
soon enough.

Gonna get my face tattooed
like a demon before I do.

Then no one will mess with me.

You can't do that.

You get your face tattooed, it's
basically giving up on society.

Why shouldn't I give up?
I'm an ex-con.

- I'm spoiled meat.
- Don't say that.

You just need a fresh start is all.

And I know where you can get it.

So you want me to hire this man
as a security guard?

Look, Ms. Stark, Brian just
wants a second chance.

And we think he'd be
really good for the job.

Be good for the students to see an
example of how crime doesn't pay.

He'd scare kids straight. I'm scared
of him, and he's my own brother.

Ugh! These g*dd*mn things
don't fit.

Brian, put your teeth back in.
[ Groans ]

He's wearing our dad's dentures.

Thought it'd give him
a more professional look.

As eager as I am to bring a
toothless felon on to my staff,

I'm sorry to say the position
is no longer available.

Told you nobody'd want my sorry a*s.

Brian, come on.
Dad needs those teeth.

So who did get the job, Ms. Stark?
No one.

I've decided to use the money instead...

to build a bathroom in my office.

That way I can stay
in here where it's safe.

That's a great attitude,
coming from our principal.

[ Chuckling ] Principal--
It's a meaningless title.

Students have no regard
for authority anymore.

They're bringing g*ns to school now.

Swapping pictures of their genitalia.

They even desecrated my automobile.

I assume it's intended
to resemble a skunk,

in reference to my nickname.

Yeah. Yeah,
you're probably right.

So what are we supposed to do, huh?

If I were you, I'd start
bringing a weapon.

Now, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I need to find someone
to build me a toilet.

I know a guy who can do it.

Who?

- Me.
- Uh--

Before I was a convict,
I was a meth-head suck-queen.

And before that, I was a grouter.

Damn good one too.

I'll build you the best damn
shitter your holes ever spit into.

Hmm.

[ Slurping, Grunting ]

Ugh! I can't believe your
brother works here now.

Is that even allowed? I don't know.
He look like a damn demon.

Yeah, don't tell him that.
It's just gonna encourage him.

Says he's just gonna make enough
money to get his face tattooed,

then he'll probably head back to jail.

He's given up on himself just like
Stark's given up on the school.

- Megan, come on.
- Oh! Gotta go.

Danielle and I got accepted as
prospects with the Latina Rollers.

You really going through with this, Megan?
Yes. I mean sí.

I have to learn Spanish now
as part of the initiation.

Wish me luck.
Hola, muchachas.

I'm fittin' to join a g*ng myself.
Look at this sh*t.

Man, dude's sittin' over there
wearing my earring like it's his.

Moms is on my a*s talkin' about, "What
you do with Aunt Yvette's brooch?"

A brooch?
I thought it was an earring.

sh*t, dude, so did I.
Looked like an earring.

Yvette got a small frame, man. b*tch could
sleep in a drawer. Know what I mean?

That's it.
Where you off to?

Everyone else may have given up
on the school, but I haven't.

Excuse me, sir.

I believe you're wearing something
that belongs to my friend.

Yo, eat sh*t. You might want to
watch the way you talk to us.

[ Chuckles ] Yo, what the hell is that, boy?
Wooden weapon.

Metal-detector friendly.

We brought them for protection,

but they can also be used for aggression.
Your choice.

[ Chuckles ]
[ Gary ] He chose aggression.

How about y'all suck my d*ck?

Don't mind if I do.
What?

Nice piece you got there.
Mind if I see it?

For sho'. Why don't you
have a closer look?

[ Students Gasp ] Please don't sh**t him.
That's my brother.

Everybody calm down.

Ahh--
Yo--

Yo, yo, yo, yo.
What you doin', dog?

Go ahead. sh**t.

Yo, yo, yo.
Don't make me drop you.

What the frick? What is he doing?
He's gonna blow his brains out.

Do it.

[ Grunts ] [ Groans ]

The sh*t's not even loaded.

- [ Chattering, Laughing ]
- Whatever, yo.

You step to me, you steppin' to
the R.O.P.-- Royal Oaks Posse.

Oh, you're repped, huh? Well, guess what.
I'm repped too.

I joined them in prison. Maybe
you heard of them. [ Grunts ]

Oh, dude, he's got mad ink.
That's a vicious squirrel.

Yeah, Black Squirrel. Gully gangster clique.
Upstate cell block "B," dog.

It's a white dude
in the Black Squirrels?

He gotta be harder than a mother.

Ha. Uh, eh.

[ Darius ] Throw your set up, homey.

I had a man-- [ Bleeps ] in the
crevasse of my-- [ Bleeps ]

Right in the-- [ Bleeps ]
So I took his-- [ Bleeps ]

and I-- [ Bleeps ]
him until he bled.

Oh, God.
Oh, they ruined him.

And I'll do the same thing
to all of you.

'Cause I'm a demon, and I'll
drag you all to hell with me.

[ Hissing ]
[ Stammering ]

I believe you have my friend
Darius's brooch. Yo, yo, yo.

You know me. I'm sorry, man. I didn't know.
Here. Take it.

[ Scattered Applause ]
[ Chattering ]

I-I thought it was an earring.
That's why I had it.

Now if anybody got words for me,
I'll be grouting the toilet.

You'll be doing nothing of the sort.
You just lost that job.

Aw, frick.

And gained one
as our new head of security.

Yeah! Way to go, Brian.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Yeah, that's my brother.

Well, spackle me in sh*t
and call me a rose.

[ All Coughing ]

Please don't smoke inside the school.

You showed true courage against
that hoodlum, Mr. Zymanski.

Your complete disregard for your personal
well-being will serve you well on this job.

Yeah, just took an elderly Jew
principal to give me a shot.

Well, I'm Presbyterian,
but you're welcome.

We're here to help, so what do you need us to do?
Stay outta my way.

I work alone.

If you think we're gonna let you
clean up this school that we love...

by yourself, you are crazy.

Yeah, us helping is not an option,
so just frickin' deal with it.

Fine. But we do this,
we do it my way.

Your passion is inspiring.

Also, in regard to the toilet, are
you planning on finishing it?

You want me to clean up the
mess you made at this school,

or you want me to install
a g*dd*mn turd catcher?

Brian, relax.
We're all on the same team.

No, he's right to give it to me.

- I'm as spineless as a jellyfish.
- First things first.

When's the last time you did
a full locker sweep, hmm?

Oh, that would be... never.

Jesus Christ!
Oh, sh*t.

What do you got, a death wish, lady?

Let's give 500 shitheads a locked box...

where they can keep whatever they want.

- I suppose you let 'em have cell phones too.
- I assume that's bad.

[ Sighs ] We got our g*dd*mn
work cut out for us.

- Oh, and, fellas, one other thing.
- Yeah, what?

Thanks for believing in me and sh*t.

[ Gasps ] What the frick?

Did he just say thank you? That is the
nicest thing he's ever said to me.

That was beautiful.

And, sh**t, now I'm starting
to get emotional.

Hey, d*ck holes, let's go.

Razors, electronic devices,

suspicious liquids and gels.

They all gotta go. Damn,
it's like a prison search.

Yeah, well, that's where Brian's
background in security lies.

I gotta give it up, man. Dude got folks in line.
You know what I'm saying?

Somebody said "excuse me"
in the bathroom.

Politeness
and common courtesy--

Those are things you're gonna
have to get used to around here.

Now, you wanna open that locker for me?

Wait a minute. Why you
gotta look in my locker?

We all gotta make sacrifices
here, Darius.

I had to give up my belt earlier.

Now I'm rolling my pants at the waist.

sh*t. I'm surprised
you own a belt.

Aw, it was an electrical cord, but
it held my pants up nonetheless.

What's with all the lotions? Seems
more like a woman's locker.

You know what? I don't
really need your commentary.

You know what I'm saying? Just
do your sh*t and get out, okay?

I mean,
this says "for ladies."

You're taking my scrunchie?
No, I'm taking an item...

that is clearly the colors
of the Latina Rollers,

which I still can't believe
you're an associate of.

I joined to protect myself
but now I don't even need it,

and now I'm stuck with these girls
I have nothing in common with,

and I'm pretty sure they're
talking sh*t about me in Spanish.

So frickin' quit already.
I'm not allowed.

Come on, let me slide. I'll
do something nice for you.

Oh. Are you offering me a sexual favor?
What? No, gross.

I was gonna do your homework
or something.

Look, I'm not giving you the scrunchie.

You want me to keep
the school safe, maggot, or not?

Gimme the g*dd*mn scrunchie.
Okay. Here. Jesus.

Come on, Megan, vamonos.
We're gonna be late.

Oh, what did you do to your hair?
I want to fit in.

Which reminds me, we gotta
go tanning after school.

Do you have the coupons to Mystic Beach?

Uh, uh, uh.
Not so fast, ma'am.

Gonna need to take that from you.

It was awesome!

I was calling people "ma'am"
like a police officer.

We were key players in the
school's makeover. We sure were.

And, you know, I don't want
to toot my own horn,

but without us,
that wouldn't have happened.

Now it's time to give back to the
man who did the most good of all.

Yo, Bri, where you at?
We got something for you.

[ Brian ] Blow it out your a*s!

Well, he, uh, hasn't lost his edge.

Look who got you new chompers.

Sort of a symbol of your rebirth
as a respectable human.

Yo, sh*t. n*gga, this sh*t
got a spoon on it, homey.

That's a special feature.

You could use it for soup,
maybe even gouging.

What the hell's all this?

Gettin' rid of school contraband.
Don't worry about it.

Brian, may I ask, who is this gentleman?

This is my friend Rollo. He's
a school supply salesman.

Yo, how much for the cell phone, B.?
Make an offer.

I'll give you six dollars.
Aw, go sh*t in your hat.

That's a g*dd*mn intelligence phone.
What do I look like?

You look like a punk-a*s b*tch
fixin' to get your a*s kicked.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say I don't
think Rollo is a school supply salesman.

He does have a large tattoo of
a black squirrel on his arm.

- g*dd*mn it, Brian! We believed in you.
- That's your own damn fault.

You friggin' lied to your own brother.

What do you expect? That's what
criminals do, idiot. I lie to everyone.

Where the highlighters at? I like to
highlight my sh*t when I'm reading, playboy.

They're right next to the computers.

You're selling the school computers too?

- Those are instruments of learning.
- sh*t, yeah.

I'm selling everything. That
place is a g*dd*mn gold mine.

You b*stard son of a b*tch from hell.

- You will not get away with this.
- Watch me.

Let's get out of here.

Enjoy your new teeth, Brian.
[ Grunts ]

Yo, how much for them shits?

It's a sad state of affairs when I
need to rat out my own brother.

I suppose we should have
seen this coming.

What with the tattoos and ranting
about being a demon and such.

[ Chattering ] No talking!

Or I'll write you up
for insubordination.

And wear longer skirts. This is
a school, not Bourbon Street.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, hello, boys.

I was just basking
in the warmth of respect.

And I owe it all to that toothless
vagabond you call your brother.

I'm afraid we have some bad news.

He's a criminal. He's
stealing from the school.

Is that so?

Well, I suspected as much.

But while his methods are questionable,
you can't argue with results.

The students are terrified of him.
It's marvelous.

Wait. So you're okay
with it?

If that's the price of having
control of the school,

then yes, I am.

You're just as bad as Brian.
What's wrong with you?

I'm drunk with power, and I'm loving it.

♪ [ Stereo: Hip-hop ]
Ah. My car.

Brian fixed it up
with some of his connections.

♪ [ Man Rapping ]

It looks groovy, Brian.
This is insane.

Stop stirring the pot
or I'll expel you at once.

Expel us? For what?
Doesn't matter.

I'm the principal.
I can do whatever I want.

- You are hereby expelled.
- [ Both Gasp ]

Mmm! That felt good.

♪ [ Continues ]

[ Air Hisses ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Joel ] Well, this is quite a scene.

He's got Rollo working here now?

It's like a frickin' squirrel's nest.
The man's out of control.

We created
a mother-grabbing monster.

Hey, are you guys in line
for the metal detector?

What? No, Russ. We're hiding in the bushes.
We got banned from school.

You guys are lucky.
It's bad in there.

Everybody's scared, and they
make all kinds of rules.

They even took my friggin' glasses.
I can't see nothin'.

That new man is meaner
than Mr. Briggs.

Tell me about it. We're the
ones who brought him here.

Yeah. And we're also the ones who are gonna get
rid of him, but we're gonna need your help.

All right, I'll help. I'll do
the best friggin' job I can.

Also, is this an apple? No,
that's, like, some sort of nest.

Yeah, don't eat that, Russ.
Oh, man.

[ Students Chattering ]

Excuse me, sir. Can I please
have a bathroom pass?

Number one or number two?
Uh, number two.

Oh, sorry. Fresh out.

Looks like you're
shittin' yourself today.

Well, look at that.
Got one left.

[ Whimpers ] Make it quick.

Oh, hey, sister. Where's
the party at this weekend?

I'm just sittin' round chillin'.

This mark gonna creep up
on 22's like he know me.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, sh*t.
Man, I stepped back.

I'm like, "I'm Avenue L, baby.

I'm Black Squirrel, Cherrystone
Murderers." You know what I'm saying?

I know that's right, homey. I
popped a cap in that fool, right?

Took the b*tch to the crib.

Wound up with two shorties
and a five-year stretch.

Well, sh*t. [ Cackles ] [ Laughs ]

Your a*s crazy, boy.

A'ight, a'ight.
Stay up, partner.

Oh, yeah, man.
Keep it real, dude. One.

What the hell was so funny?
I don't have a damn clue.

I didn't understand a word
that dude was saying.

Why aren't you friggin' answering my
question, Darius? You friggin' as*h*le!

Russ, we're over here.

Yo, did you just confuse me with a trash can?
'Cause that's messed up.

Gary and Joel wanna talk to you.
They're sorry they were dicks before.

They need your help. The whole
freakin' school needs your help.

I can't see, g*dd*mn it!

Wait. You want
to start a riot?

Yeah, they do it all the time in prison.

When the warden's rules
become crippling,

the prisoners rebel and a more
democratic regime takes its place.

Yeah, and sometimes the
prisoners get they a*s beat.

I ain't tryin' to mess with Rollo, man.
That dude is crazy.

This is our only hope. Principal
Stark's been compromised.

This corruption goes
all the way to the top.

Now, Megan, we're gonna need
to use your g*ng connections.

Yeah, not gonna happen.

Rollers membership has thinned out
since Brian's been in charge.

It's basically just me and Danielle now.

Wow. That's very disappointing, as it was
kind of the biggest part of our plan.

Uh, probably do it anyway though,

'cause we didn't think of anything else.

Tell 'em the plan, guys!

Why is he tied to the fence?

Uh, I do not know.
He requested it.

It's for my own safety.
My eyes are broken.

I will stay here with this apple,

and you guys go do the friggin' plan.

Yo, is he eating a nest?

[ Chomping ] It's not even very
sweet, but I still like it.

Anyway, here's the plan.

Stark and Brian eat lunch
at the same time every day.

[ Joel ] Generally fish or
some sort of soft meat.

[ Darius ] What does that
have to do with anything?

[ Joel ] Nothing. Just
an interesting detail.

[ Gary ] Anyway, once they're gone,
that's when we'll make our move.

[ Megan ] You're gonna
crawl into a sewer pipe?

It's the only way inside
besides the front door.

Y'all nasty. Can't be that bad.
It's not even in use.

It's in use.
It's definitely in use.

Ugh! It's like the whole town's in there.
[ Coughing ]

Ugh!
Spitting.

[ Gary ] Once inside,
we barricade the door,

and then we take to the P.A.
system with a message of hope.

[ Joel ] I thought it was
a message of rebellion.

Stop interrupting me. Can
I just tell 'em the plan?

Don't jump down my throat about it.
I'm just trying to be thorough.

[ Gary ] Anyway, we take to the P.A.
system,

and we dump their dirty laundry
on the front steps of the school.

The most dangerous g*ng in this
school isn't run by the students.

[ Gary On P.A. ]
It's run by the administration.

[ Joel ] And it's time to put
an end to this corruption.

Rise up, students of Maynord.

Rise up and let them know we're
not gonna take it anymore.

[ Joel ] And that's when
everyone will stand up...

and come together as one
against their oppressors.

Now, everyone!

Eh.
Nah.

Nah, I'm not feeling this.
Yeah, me neither.

Huh. Seems quiet
for a rebellion.

I hope the P.A.'s working.

[ Growls ]
[ Shouts ]

It's okay. We're safe.
The door's been reinforced.

[ Shouts ]
[ Joel, Gary ]
Aaah!

[ Joel ] Oh, sh*t! Dude, I think your
brother might actually be a demon.

He's making a good case for it. What
the hell you think you're doing?

Exposing you
for who you are--

a criminal, a liar and a
disgrace to the Zymanski name.

You can't stop me.
Nobody can.

k*ll them!
Huh?

I don't know. It just
felt right, so I said it.

Is it such a crazy idea?

Ms. Stark!

Mr. Barasch.
Beat it.

We're in the middle of something, pal.

I'm not your pal. I'm the
superintendent of this school.

Oh, sh*t! There is a higher
authority after all.

And he's come to enforce justice.
Finally!

I hadn't heard from you
in quiet a while.

I was in Florida visiting my brother.
The manatees are running.

My office has been flooded
with calls from angry parents.

This is a real mess, Margaret.
What have you done?

- Uh--
- She ain't done nothin'. It's my fault.

Brian.
All of it.

Only thing she's guilty of is trusting
an ex-con who couldn't be saved.

All right, here's what
we're going to do.

Obviously, you're fired.
Whatever.

As for the rest of this, we'll sweep it
under the rug and never speak of it again.

Someone's gotta answer for this, right?

Quiet, young man,
or I'll expel you this instant.

Jiminy Christmas. This
whole system's corrupt.

May I offer you some food?

We have fresh halibut in the cafeteria.

Halibut?
How did we afford that?

Oh, that was simple. We spent
less on the student lunches.

Well, I do have
a taste for fish right now.

Yes! Halibut
would be just fine.

Oh, and, Brian?
Huh?

Thank you.
Eh.

Guess that's that. Doesn't
really feel like justice.

Yeah. I don't know what I'm
supposed to take from that.

I'll tell you what you take.

The world's sh*t,
and you can't trust no one.

Not even yourself.

See you on the other side,
little brother.

[ Grunts, Shouts ]

You think he's gonna get his face tattooed?
Oh, without a doubt.

We should probably cover this hole.

Yep. Lord knows
no one else is going to.