01x03 - Bad Mummies

[bunniefuu]

[tense instrumental music plays]

[baby grunts, panting]

[panting]

- [snarling]
- [baby coos]

- Psst. Hi. Hey. Everything's f*cked!
- [whimpering]

Yeah, you better wake up.

We're alone, we're hungry,
and we have to sh*t!

Okay, ready? Three, two...

- Food! Poop! Now!
- [baby cries]

We need the t*tties!

- Give us the grande hot titty juice!
- [baby cries, screams]

You're okay, bud.

Hey, Becca, it's me!
I'm showing up, I'm ready to do love!

- Food me! Poop me! Do t*tties better!
- The baby got its Need Demon?

- Assigned yesterday, welcome to the team.
- Oh, no, I'm actually Becca's bug.

Oh, you're with t*tties!

[roars] Well, then why won't she put them
in our mouth the way we want?

Wow. You... You are intense.

Yeah, I'm a f*ck' Need Demon!

- Well, hey. Hey, Mama. How's things, girl?
- [baby sucking]

Really good.

Two days ago, I took an eight-pound sh*t,
and now it screams at me every hour!

Okay, unflinching look at motherhood.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ali Wong...

No, I'm in no mood
to go meta right now, okay?

I'm exhausted.
And you ditched me at the hospital!

Oh, let's forget about the old Emmy
and the mistakes that dumb hussy made.

[chuckling] I'm the new Emmy! I show up!

With a gift. Look.
And it did use to have a head.

- Now our tummy hurts!
- [baby cries]

- Okay, maybe it needs to, um, Becca?
- [snoring]

Can we sleep now?

Oh. Are you Becca's Need Demon?
I... I'm Emmy, I... I... I'm her new Lovebug.

- [baby cries]
- Wow, big pipes on that one.

Give sleep. Give food. Give death.

- She can sleep when the kid is in college.
- [both grunt]

- Shh. Please shut up. Please shut up.
- [crying]

Uh, you... you're doing so good.
Motherly love!

- [chuckles] Woot-woot!
- You definitely shut up.

Hey! I'm doing my best, okay?

Oh, don't be a f*cking crybaby,
I already have one of those.

I'm not a crybaby.

- [loud splat]
- Ugh!

- Ah, nice! Our sh*t came out.
- What the f*ck?

I'mma take ten. Text me if you need me.

Whoa. Why're you lookin' at it like that?

- How am I supposed to look at it?
- With love?

I mean, wook at that wittle nose.

Wook at it. Ooh!

[grunts] Those chubby wittle thighs...

- [groaning]
- What the f*ck are you doing?

Trying to glow!

- Oh, my God, you can't even glow?
- Well...

No wonder I don't love this thing. [gasps]

You don't love the baby?

Well, maybe I would if I didn't have a
JV-a*s Lovebug who can't do her job!

Well, how am I supposed to do my job
if you don't love the baby?

- Come on, come on, come on... Yes!
- [dramatic music swells]

Ka-ching!

What the hell are you doing here?

A mother who doesn't love her own baby
and a Lovebug who can't glow?

I've won the Shame Lottery! [chuckles]

f*ck me dot org.

Alright, smile. Ooh!
You look exhausted, love. [laughs]

["Make Me Feel" by Janelle Monáe plays]

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ So real, so good, so f*ck' real
So real, so good, so f*ck' real ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪

♪ An emotional, sexual bender ♪

♪ Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪

♪ There's nothin' better ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

[applause]

These can feel like troubling times
for we Shame Wizards who serve women.

"Body positivity." "Self-love."

"Pay equity."

We wonder,
is female shame a thing of the past?

I leave you with a story.

Flying in today, I shared an exit row
with a mother and daughter.

I watched Mum assure the flight attendant
that her little girl's arms

were "husky enough"
to open the cabin door.

She then proceeded to order herself
a hot water with Splenda.

Mm.

In that moment,
I felt certain of one thing,

as long as there are women,
there will be shame!

- [cheers, applause]
- Thank you so much. Thank you.

The "Your Body, Your Fault" chapter
was so devastating.

Thank you. Thank you so much!

- I'm geeking out, sorry!
- Oh, no, thank you, darling!

I hope you didn't have to wait
on line too long.

Wow, I can't believe I'm meeting
the Shame Wizard who did Joe Paterno!

- [chuckles] Just a rumor.
- Hello, Mummy!

Hello, Lionel.
I'd forgotten you worked here.

Yes, and I think all my emails
might be going to your spam?

[phones ring]

- Hi!
- There she is!

How was Becca's last night?
A new mom with a brand-new squishy baby?

You must be glowing like cray all day!

Yeah, I... I'm actually
not glowing that, that much.

Or, like, at all.

- And when I try to, I kind of fart?
- Oh, no!

Not all new parents
bond with the baby right away.

- Really?
- Sometimes you get a slow-glow.

And that's totally normal!

- Have you had that happen?
- Me? Oh, hell no.

- I glow fast and I glow hard.
- But again, no shame in it!

That's right. As long as your slow-glow
doesn't turn into a no-glow.

Oh, yeah, a no-glow,
there is definitely shame in that.

Look. My glow is not the problem here.

It's Becca's own fault
she can't love right.

That woman is a pill.

Whoa! Emmy. You can't be talking
about your clients that way.

You should hear the way she talks to me.

Not to be mean,
but she's rancid to her core,

and I really do hope
she dies of a brand-new cancer.

- Emmy!
- I wasn't... I said "not to be mean"!

Okay. Did you learn nothing
from our training day?

Our clients are our babies.

And if we don't love our babies,
they won't love themselves.

And if they don't love themselves,
they'll never love their babies.

I'm sorry, do you mind
if I grab a breath mint

since you're both sh1tting down my throat
at the same time?

- Oh, honey, we were just trying to help.
- I know, I know.

You just... [sighs]

You don't have to be
such "Beccas" about it.

Ugh, Maury. I'm sorry to keep doing this.
I forgot my g*dd*mn password again.

Ugh! It's "jizz" with six z's
and a pound sign.

What are your boys doing here?
Shouldn't they be at school?

There was a crabs outbreak
at their cumdergarten.

One dirty d*ck, and they gotta
shut down the whole damn place.

- [chittering]
- Aww. Daddy's sorry for raising his voice.

Daddy loves you.

Oh, man. You gonna be able to handle
that chode-load at work?

I... I... I'll manage somehow.

Okay. Let's see, I've got a kid
who's found his dad's Fleshlight,

a glory hole grand opening...

Well, I would offer to dicksit, but...

Oh, yeah, no... no way.

You could... You could
never handle all these dicks.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing!

It's just a lot of responsibility,

and you're, you know,
kind of a... a hot f*ck-up.

How dare you, you sexy shithead?

Look, I'm just saying,
you're not really a kid person.

Well, I'd be a great dicksitter,
so it's your loss.

Alright, okay, so you think you can do it?

Of course I do!

- Great!
- It is great.

Then you'll need the rundown.

First, they eat Cool Ranch Doritos only,
comprende?

- [Connie] Mm-hm.
- Chew 'em up, then... [gurgles]

Baby-bird the paste
into their mouth holes.

- [snaps fingers] Hey, Connie!
- I'm listening! "Cool Ranch."

Also, you have to jerk them off
every two hours.

Yeah. I get it.

And make sure they get a nap before 3:00,
or they'll turn into real assholes.

Maury, I got it!
This ain't my first d*ck rodeo.

- Yee-haw! Texas forev... Ow! sh*t!
- [banjo music plays]

Not bad for a first time out.

Well, that doesn't reassure me,
but I'm grateful for the flashback.

[lively instrumental music plays]

[roars, slurps]

Oh, Mummy, you should have seen
the shame on the young mother's face.

[laughs] There she was
with her darling newborn, right?

And I flew right in and I said... I, uh, mm...

- [clears throat] Mummy?
- Mm? Oh, I'm listening, darling.

Important email to my publicist.

Well, uh, um... I said your catchphrase,
"Flawed women are failed women."

Er... Look, I'll show you the photo.

Mummy? Mummy, do you see it, Mummy?

It's "Rita" in the workplace, please.

Mm. She cried, I'm sure?

Uh... Well, no. She was about to,
but then they cut to the main titles...

Sorry I'm late, peaches.

Kitty! At last!

Uh... Oh. Are there other chairs?

- Oh, just take Lionel's.
- What?

You... You don't mind floating,
do you, dear?

Oh. Well. Yes, Mummy.

It's been too long!
How's the depression game?

Busy as always.

I partnered with Amazon last month.
[chuckles]

- How exciting!
- [Lionel groans]

Yes, I've got thousands
of warehouse workers

in a state of deep existential ennui.
[chuckles]

Wow! You know, Lionel almost
got a woman to cry yesterday.

Well, I am almost impressed.

[both laugh]

[sputters] Mummy, don't forget
about your publicist!

The email? Mummy gets
lots of important emails.

Just not from me, eh. They go to her spam.

Lionel, please.

So, what's new with you, sweetness?

Nothing really. Notre Shame just invited
me to give the commencement speech again.

Oh! I went to Notre Shame!

Hey, remember how proud you'd have been
if you'd come to my graduation?

Lionel, just... just be a dear

and... and fetch Kitty
a saucer of milk, would you?

Yes, Mummy.

- Oh, take your time, Lionel.
- [sad music plays]

[Kitty and Rita chuckle]

[baby crying]

Come on, I know you're hungry.

We're f*cking starving!

Why aren't you squeezing
the booby into a sandwich?

Didn't you listen to that b*tch
at the hospital?

What if the baby starves?
Oh God, you'll be a baby m*rder*r!

They'll talk about me on Inside Edition.

And then send you to jail,

where there's nothing
to watch but Inside Edition!

Why do you think
breastfeeding is impossible for you

when it comes so naturally
to other, better women?

Could you guys please leave me alone
and just let me...

Cry? You gonna cry? You gonna cry
'cause of what I said, are you?

Oh, I don't want to cry,
I want to f*cking scream!

I'm sorry about these mood swings,
Becca-boo!

I'm just a little dickstracted.

- Zachary! No! No humpies! [yelps]
- [penises chittering]

Those dicks look pretty rowdy.
Maybe they need to be jerked off?

Maybe you need to be jerked off!

I do! But I haven't found
ethical porn that I like!

- [whimsical music plays]
- [crying, chittering]

[giggles] Hi! How's my favorite client
who I love and adore, of course?

- How does it f*cking look?
- Okay. Actively meaner today, got it.

The baby won't eat, I haven't slept
in days, and my n*pples are so sore!

- "Sore"?
- We're f*cking totaled!

- Why are you so bad at this?
- We can't take it anymore!

- Ew! Your gross nips talk?
- [piano music plays]

We also sing.

Oh. Oh boy.

♪ I always thought my life would be
Forever perky, fun and free ♪

♪ Never worried 'bout tomorrow ♪

Oh, lovely.

♪ But now we hang here suckled numb ♪

♪ Chafed and raw from greedy gums ♪

♪ A broken body filled with sorrow ♪

♪ Give me that milky sweet libation! ♪

♪ I need a rest, some private time ♪

♪ Could be some weird disease
Is blocking your lactation ♪

♪ Maybe a splash of wine ♪

♪ The time has come to face the truth ♪

♪ You are the worst ♪

- ♪ You lack the strength, the will ♪
- ♪ You're a fool ♪

♪ Should have stayed on the pill ♪

♪ You're a loveless, rotten mother
Cold and cruel ♪

♪ With a useless tit ♪

♪ You should give up ♪

♪ You know you'll only fail ♪

♪ Why try? ♪

♪ Maybe not too late to bail ♪

♪ This whole charade
Of parenthood's a lie ♪

♪ You're not worth a sh*t ♪

♪ You are the worst ♪

♪ Mama June or Mommie Dearest ♪

- ♪ Courtney Love, even Kris Jenner ♪
- ♪ A fake ♪

- ♪ Of history's countless shitty moms ♪
- ♪ A loser ♪

♪ My dear, you are the winner ♪

♪ You're a fraud ♪

♪ I need a hug ♪

♪ You're a fake ♪

♪ I need a break ♪

♪ For the next 18 years
You're stuck with this mistake ♪

♪ You're a loser, you're a failure ♪

♪ You're a joke, you are the worst! ♪

[Lionel laughs]

[applause]

Oh, that's it! You really nailed it,
everyone. Well done.

[Becca and baby cry]

This is all your f*cking fault!

I am doing my best, okay, lady?

[Emmy grunts, farts]

Oh, sh*t. I suck.

- Why can't I just bond with this baby?
- [crying] And why aren't you nicer to me?

And why won't these dicks eat their chips?

- Oh, dear, have I made everyone cry?
- [sobbing, wailing, chittering]

What, oh, what will my mummy say?

"Good job, Lionel!
You're better than Kitty."

"And I'm finally
giving you my home address!"

- Yes, yes, that's what she'll say.
- [scale plays]

[moaning, panting]

Man, I really needed this
after the morning I've had.

Yeah. Just glad I could help.

Like, not to throw the word around,
but Becca is toxic.

[laughs] Becca is a b*tch.
But she's not here right now. I am.

- So let's just, you know, let's focus.
- You're right!

[grunting, moaning]

- It's just, I wish I could ask Sonya...
- Shh-shh.

...for advice, but, I mean, look at her!

Baby. It... It... Listen, it just sounds
like you need a little time to reflect,

which is totally fine because
I just put some bath salts up my a*s

and they are really starting
to kick in and...

Oh, okay.

So I'm gonna go outside

and I'm just going to get in a fistfight
with a telephone pole and... [grunts]

[gasps] Celery, yes!

- Hey, you're Becca's Need Demon, right?
- [munching noisily]

You okay, bud?
Do you maybe want like a appetizer or...

Food! Yes! Give! Give.

Ha-ha. I'm cool though, I'm cool.

But food now please?

Some mozz sticks before I k*ll myself
right here in front of you. Haha!

Oh, wow. Excuse me, uh, waiter?

[intriguing sting]

[munching noisily]

I mean, who does this baby
think it is with all its demands?

[gulping] f*ck, these are good!

Becca's really only slept four hours
since Friday?

- Yeah.
- Brutal.

Need napkin, give napkin!

- Oh, uh, here, sure.
- [gulps]

I don't want to exist! [sobs]

Yikes on bikes.

[blubbers] Sorry. I'm just not myself.

I'm a very cool demon normally!

Sure, yeah! I've eaten a napkin! [giggles]

Oh, man. You should've seen me
do my thing before the baby.

- Me and Becca were a f*ck' team.
- [rock music plays]

Anything we wanted, we got.

- We just took it.
- [tires squeal]

Whenever, wherever...
We just... We ruled, man!

You know what it's like to fly?

- Wait, wait, wait. Becca?
- [music stops]

That cranky, dry b*tch used to party?

Oh, hell yeah! Those were the days!

But now look at me.

- [rasps] A worthless little wisp.
- [sad music plays]

[sneezes] sh*t!

- sh*t, sorry.
- I deserve this.

No, you don't!
Hey, hey, you are still cool.

- Yeah?
- Dude, totally.

You're just going through
some really hard sh*t right now.

Yeah! And same with Becca.

- Well, no. I mean, Becca's just kind of a...
- Lawyer?

- No.
- Woman?

- No.
- Female lawyer?

No, she's kind of a, you know, a c-word?

- A... A c**t-face?
- Yes, that's right.

Nah. She's just overwhelmed.
She's a new mom. It's hard, man.

Yeah, I... I guess
it is hard to be a new mom.

Oh, sh*t. Am I the c**t-face?

Uh... Hey, you gonna eat that receipt?

Oh, honey, I'm sorry, I am, yeah.

[whimsical music plays]

[Gavin speaks inaudibly]

Sorry, Gav, say again?

I said, "Oh, she can't hear me."

And before that I said, "Don't ignore me,
I'll dox your f*cking family!"

And before that, I said, "Smells yummy."

Well, thanks, it's for Maury's children
that happen to be genitals.

Oh, right, you're the nanny today.
Where are the little cuties?

In my office, being t*rrorists!

Oh, Gavin, I don't know what to do.

I'm gettin' arthritos
from all these Doritos.

- Relax. They won't starve in a day!
- [Connie] Phew!

As long as you're jerking 'em off
every two hours, you'll be fine.

Oh, I've been definitely jerkin' them off
every two hours, for sure.

For sure, for sure.

Good. 'Cause you know
what happens if you don't.

Absolutely. Absolutely I know that.

Okay, I'm gonna go run away now
for an unrelated reason.

Alright, time for Gavin
to warm up his tuna soup.

- Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!
- [tense music plays]

- Ahh!
- [penises chittering]

So, f*ck' and multiplyin'?
That's what happens?

- [whistles] That's a lotta dicks.
- Yeah.

Better get 'em to nap before 3:00
or they'll turn into real assholes.

Really? Are you mommy-shaming me, Pete?

[hesitantly] No, of course not,
you're not their mother.

- Hey. Is there something on my back?
- No! You good!

[Kitty] I'm telling you,
it's on HBO and it's hilarious.

And you say it's called Chernobyl?
I'll write it down in my phone.

They k*ll a bunch of dogs
in the fourth episode... [chuckles]

It's a hoot.

There you are, Mummy.
Oh, I've been searching high and low.

- Well, you found me. What fortune.
- Indeed.

Yes, I brought you a special present,
look! Shame tears!

They're fresh from that tortured husk
of a new mother I told you about!

I'll pass. Kitty cracked a jar
of her depression tears,

and, frankly, I'm still a bit goosed.

Ugh, depression tears?

But, Mummy, I harvested
these shame tears myself!

It was hard, it was very hard,
but I did it for you!

- [both snickering]
- Please don't laugh at me. Please, Mummy.

No. I'm sorry, darling,
you just made such a face.

[mocks] "It was so hard, Mommy."

[Kitty and Rita laugh]

It's pronounced... No, listen, shut up.
It's pronounced "Mummy"!

Oh, Lionel, come back.

We'll miss you too much.

[both laugh]

- Come on, guys, settle down.
- [dramatic music plays]

- It's nap time for Christ's sake. f*ck!
- [chittering]

- There's so many of you!
- [grunts]

Here! Look what I got.

I got some
SpongeDick SquareBalls to doze off to.

Aw, that's not a p*ssy, silly!

- They're sweet.
- Gonna turn into some real assholes soon.

Now why do people keep saying that
about these cute little...

- [beeping]
- Oh, f*ck.

[tense music plays]

What are they... Stop! Stop that!
Don't do that. Not you, dear Zachary!

[Zachary groans]

Buy us cigarettes
and take us to the horse track!

f*ck you! Don't f*ck' touch me, Mark.

Blow it out ya face, Shawn.

Timbah!

You say somethin' about my sistah Heathah?

You say something
about my pahtnah, Theodore?

Could you not do that on my desk?
g*dd*mn assholes!

"Real assholes." Okay, yeah,
that makes sense in rectumspect.

Listen, whatever Father Brian did to you,
Tommy, you keep it to yourself.

Oh, God, I have failed these youths.

[birds chirping]

[Becca sighs]

Oh! sh*t, sorry! I didn't know you were...
What are you doing?

Can't wipe yet. Too raw.

- Ooph! I did not know that was part of it.
- [Becca groans]

Oh, I... You know, I, uh, heard
you used to be kind of awesome.

You mean before I had to cold-press
my t*ts and squirt-g*n my... [groans]

- God damn it. Why'd I look down?
- [gasps] Why'd you look down?

[sobs] I think it's gonna die. My p*ssy.

No, no, it won't! It'll heal,
and you'll, um, get head from Barry again!

Oh, big whoop.

And, someday,
you'll even party like before.

And you'll eat spicy chicken sandwiches.

But it won't be the same.
Nothing will ever be the same.

She's right.
Parenthood makes everything awful.

- f*ck you.
- It really does.

She's always leaking from somewhere.

What if the rest of your life
is just open-ended suffering?

A fitting destiny for an unfit parent.

- Alright, everybody.
- [piano music plays]

Ooh, a reprise!

- No, no! Hey! No!
- [music stops]

That song is not helpful. Everybody out!

Hey! Don't get the assholes wet.

They've done enough
gremlin-y bullshit today.

Wicked good f*ck' movie.

Out! Go! This woman is busted,
and she needs some peace and quiet!

You can't shut me out!
You're not my mummy!

You, too, Lionel. Go!

[sighs] That's better.

Thanks. Are you being nice
to me out of pity?

A little. But I... I also think
I respect you now?

Oh. Well, that's new.

Yeah. Yeah... Yeah, your life is
so shitty right now. Like this?

This is actually you doing your best,
just like I've been doing my best.

And if we're being honest,
my best hasn't been great.

That's, uh, really brave of you to admit.
Hey, I wish you well, okay?

- Oh, I...
- Are you not res...

- Not resigning, no.
- No?

Yeah, I was gonna land a heartfelt speech

and then I guess...
[chuckling]...hope to grow into my role?

Okay, cool. Yeah, love that.

Great. 'Cause I think we can do this.

I just... I don't think we can. [sobs]

It's going so bad. And I'm such a mess.

You are. You are, but see,

that's what I learned
from your Need Demon.

That old, good Becca
and new, messy, dead-p*ssy Becca

are actually the same person
who's not a total b*tch-menace!

- Okay...
- Hang on, not done!

- [hopeful music plays]
- And I think that all of those Beccas

are gonna be a great mom.

- Wait, are you...
- [magic jingling]

Oh! A little bit, yeah.

My booty's glowing.

- The baby's not even here.
- I guess this one's for you.

Oh, that's nice. And warm.

[snores]

[sighs] Thank you.

♪ You're not the worst
You're not so bad ♪

Hey, can you shut the f*ck up?

I'm finally about to get some sleep.

Right, right, sorry.

I'm a good wizard. I work hard.

I've done everything
you've ever shamed me into.

So tell me one thing, Mummy.
What does Kitty have that I don't?

[sighs] If you must know,
a tight little butthole

and a rough tongue.

[purring]

Kitty!

I... I... I thought I'd found
Mummy quite alone.

Well, sugar, you found Mummy
quite getting f*cked. [chuckles]

- What?
- Oh, dear. I thought he knew.

How could I have possibly known?

Oh, honey, we haven't been exactly subtle.

Really?

- Oh. Oh! I did miss that, didn't I? Yeah.
- [gentle music plays]

Mm...

I didn't catch it, no.

Ah! Yes, well, nearly but not quite.

Alright. I think I've got the general...
Hang on! Christmas morning?

Are you telling me this has gone on
since December?

Well, not exactly, no.

[techno music plays]

- [tape rewinds]
- [screaming]

- All those years... Shameless.
- What are you mumbling, Lionel? Speak up.

You're shameless!

Bite your tongue.

We're talking about your tongue, Mummy!

You're the one bopping around
all lickily-tickly with Kitty!

And what son could ever compete
with that big p*ssy's tiny b-hole?

Wait a minute.
It sounds like he wants to f*ck you.

I'll never make you happy
the way she does, will I, Mummy?

Sweet Jesus. He does!

We're Shame Wizards, darling.
Of course he does.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no,
not anymore I don't!

And I'll tell you why, I'll tell you why!

Because you're a bad, bad mummy!

- [enchanting music plays]
- Eh? I glowed for Becca,

then I glowed for the baby.

My a*s loves those guys now!

Aw, it suits you cute!

I feel like it's basically as bright
as Rochelle's, don't you think?

Look at us! We're glow-twins!

[music swells]

[giggles] Whoa! Okay. Yeah, glow twins.

- Hey, hey! Let us out!
- Open the bag, sweetheart!

- I gotta take a wicked f*ck' piss here!
- Hold it in, AJ!

Yeah, and I told him Fleshlights
are for f*cking, and not for eating out,

but the kid wouldn't listen. [chuckles]

- [as*h*le 1] No sh1tting in the bag.
- Here are your dicks back, Maury.

Same quantity and condition as before.
Bye for a long time.

- Wait, wait. Connie, Connie, Connie.
- [assholes yelling]

This is a bag of like 500 assholes,
isn't it?

That's... Yeah, that's correct.

Connie!

Well, I'm sorry! I just...

I accidentally didn't do
any of the things you told me to.

[groans] I knew you weren't ready.
Being a parent is hard, isn't it?

No, man, it's stupid! Are you mad?
Probably mad, huh?

Oh, it's fine. Usually I just send
the batches of assholes to Boston.

They seem to thrive there.

[crowd cheers]

- You suck!
- f*ck the Yankees to death!

Here's your beer, babe.

Oh sh*t, Shauna, we're on the kiss cam!
Pucker up!

[crowd cheers]

[knocking]

Oh, hello... Rita.

I've come to sign your copy, if you like.
Before I leave.

Well, if you want to.
Makes no difference to me.

You know, at my last tour stop,
Terry Gross asked me

what the greatest shame
of my life had been.

Oh.

[grunts] What did you say?

I said, "my son, Lionel."

- You did?
- Of course.

Listen, about Kitty. Oh, she's a fun girl.
Big heart. Eensy little butthole.

Yes, yes, alright, I get it.

But at the end of the day,
she's just someone I f*ck.

I don't think I've shamed her even once
in all these years.

- Oh!
- You, on the other hand,

I'll be torturing you
for the rest of time.

That's because you love me?

- No, dear. It's because I'm your mummy.
- [gentle music plays]

[sighs]

"Thank you for reading. M."

[sighs]

God, what I wouldn't give
for one night with her.

["Momma's Boy" by Chromeo plays]

♪ You're just a momma's boy ♪

♪ You're just a momma's boy ♪

♪ You're just a momma's boy ♪

♪ You're just a ♪

♪ Ow! ♪

♪ She wants a man
That's got his game locked tight ♪