01x08 - The Light

[bunniefuu]

[Emmy] And then Rochelle
made me get all big and hateworm-y,

and I threw up everywhere,

and then everyone else
started throwing up.

Ugh, and that made you throw up again.

Yeah, which made this one
German Hormone Monster start to jerk off.

Was it Karl Heinzhaza?

Yes! That was him.

Anyway, my first conference
was a disaster.

I'm, uh, looking for the thing?
The legal thing that's here somewhere.

[quietly] Oh, the c*ck fight. Back room.

[intriguing jazz music playing]

Uh-uh-uh!

What's the secret password?

Listen, you grubby little hobbit,
if you don't step aside,

I will slice your taint off
and feed it to your family.

Wow! Nobody gets every word correct.
You did it!

- [crowd cheering]
- I'm Rick, everybody!

I'm wearing underwear for swimming
and my name is Rick.

Come on, you shameful little sickos,

let's get ready to grundle!

- [bell dinging]
- Get him, Mr. Beef!

Beat him into dust so I can
snort him off Rick's f*ck a*s.

Hey, Mona. First time at the fights?

[scoffs] Oh, no, I've seen plenty
of c*ck fights. But where are the condoms?

This here is an ill*gal c*ck fight, honey.
No condoms, no lube.

Just two genitals
raw-dogging each other bloody.

[both grunting]

I felt that in my d*ck.

Joe, our poor c*ck looks like
a bloody pickle!

- Throw in the sock! Throw in the sock!
- [whimpering]

I'm trying, but it's stuck to my hand!

- [grunts]
- [bell dinging]

That's right! Who's next?
I'll beat you all off!

- [crowd cheering]
- [Gavin] Ha-ha!

That's my rock-hard sauseege!

g*dd*mn that Gavin.
That p*nis he trained is a k*ller.

Look at the veins on this c*ck!
He's like a map of the Ozarks.

I wish someone would put him in his place.

Well, what about
one of your penises, Maury?

Oh, Connie, I can't let
another one of my dicks fight Mr. Beef.

Not after what he did
to my sweet Apollo Cream.

- Oh, honey, that wasn't your fault.
- Oh, I'll never forget his last words.

"Maury, please, don't make me

go back in the ring with him."

"He's gonna k*ll me."

I wonder what he was talking about.
I guess we'll never know.

- ["Make Me Feel" by Janelle Monáe plays]
- ♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ So real, so good, so f*ck' real
So real, so good, so f*ck' real ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel
That's just the way you make me feel ♪

♪ It's like I'm powerful
With a little bit of tender ♪

♪ An emotional, sexual bender ♪

♪ Mess me up, yeah
But no one does it better ♪

♪ There's nothin' better ♪

♪ That's just the way you make me feel ♪

I cannot go back to the office

and see all those people again.

Oh, come on, you're so f*cking dramatic.

I got escorted out of the building
kicking and screaming.

Oh, right! Yeah, I think of that
as the day I started working hard,

but, in some respects,
it's also the day you got fired.

- Yeah.
- For, um, what was it again?

I'm not going there, Emmy.

'Cause everyone knows it was for f*cking
the Grinch at the Christmas party?

That's why everyone thinks I got fired?

Come on, just tell me what happened.

- I... [sighs] I really shouldn't tell you.
- Please?

♪ Come on, tell me, you can tell me ♪

♪ You can tell me 'cause I'm cool ♪

Oh, f*ck it. You're probably not
going to remember this anyway.

Yay, I win! Fresh drink for the story.

Okay, so, do you remember when Becca
and Barry were researching birth plans?

Sounds very f*cking boring,
so I'm gonna say no.

Well, it was about six months ago and
they were heading off to meet this doula.

My brother says Claudia really
made him feel involved during the birth.

Honey, I'm letting your sperm
grow a skull inside my body.

You're f*cking involved.

Such a great point, sweetie.
Thank you for the skull.

Becca, this is very important to Barry.

You don't need to say yes,
you just need to stay open.

Staying open to Barry
is how I got this baby in the first place.

Oh, here it is! "Births by Claudia."

Hey, Becca? And you must be Barry.

Holy sh*t. You're stunning.

- Am I allowed to agree?
- You are not.

- [both] You're not.
- [Barry] Right!

[chuckles] Hi. I'm Claudia.
Why don't you guys come on in?

Welcome to the goddess realm.

- Oh, brother.
- [quietly] I know.

This place looks like
a witch's college dorm room.

Make yourselves at home.

- Ooh!
- [Becca scoffs]

So, talk to me.
Tell me why you want a doula.

Well, I just want us
to be as prepared as possible.

Like, I want the doctors to be like,
"Wow. Is this your fifth kid?"

"'Cause you people make it look easy!"
And then maybe they clap, I don't know.

[chuckles] Well,
I don't know about the clapping,

but I can help you with the rest of that.

Yeah, but like how? 'Cause, no offense,
but you're not a doctor,

so I don't really understand what you do.

That's completely fair.

I'm here to make sure that things go
the way you want them to go,

which, let me guess,
you don't want a C-section...

[Barry] Uh-huh. Oh, yeah.

And you want to go back to work
as soon as possible?

As far as I'm concerned,
f*ck anybody who judges you for that.

- Right!
- Holy sh*t. She nailed you, Becca.

Okay, um, but exactly how many...

Ah! Only three C-sections out of
the 37 births that I attended last year.

She's reading your mind now?
Maybe she is a witch!

I know, right?

Well, Claudia,
I think that sounds really good.

Most importantly,
woman of color to woman of color,

I will be your advocate in that hospital.
How does that sound?

- Amazing!
- Oh, my God! [chuckles] It sounds great.

What's happening? Why am I crying?

Aw, it's okay!
It's an emotional experience.

Oh, my God. I love this woman.

[sniffling] Me, too. She's incredible.

Becca, you have the most beautiful light
around you right now.

Wait, wait, wait. Can she see me?

[incredulously] She saw your light?
But she's not your client!

That's not supposed to happen, right?

Nope. I always thought it was impossible.

Wow, this story is amazing,

but I gotta say,
your Barry's a little off.

It's more like...

[whiny voice] "I'm Barry.
And when I sing to the baby, it's..."

Honestly, it's very sweet.
He has a beautiful voice and I like him.

Yeah. I do.

- [c*ck grunting]
- [crowd cheering]

Is that all you got?

- One, two, three, and knockout!
- [bell dinging]

Another girth-shattering win
for my thick c*ck!

Yeah. Who's next?
Who wants a slice of Mr. Beef? [laughing]

- [door slams]
- [crowd gasps]

Hey, I... I don't want a slice.
I... I want the whole ham.

- And who the f*ck are you?
- Maury, isn't that...

c*ck Ballsboa. As I live and breathe.

Hey, great. It's my coach.
He remembers my name.

c*ck, what are you doing here? I told you
I don't want you fighting Mr. Beef.

Hey, he k*lled my best friend,
Apollo Cream. I wanna do revenge.

Damn it, c*ck! This isn't like
lambskin night at Planet Fitness.

If you go in there, he's gonna moydah you.
Sorry. "m*rder you."

Hey, we all gotta get punched to death
at some point, you know?

[gruffly] Well, then you're gonna
have to do it without me in your coyner!

I said it again. "Corner."
Sorry, "your corner."

[Claudia] Breathe in.

[Claudia breathes deeply]

Now, imagine your body is an extension
of the Earth, supporting life.

You are a goddess.

Ah! I usually hate this sh*t,
but this is just what I need right now.

- Oh, yeah.
- [Claudia] Now imagine the sun.

Picture that glow entering your chest
and expanding to your limbs.

[sighs in satisfaction]
She's like audio Xanax.

I know!
I could listen to her voice forever.

- [Claudia] Now feel...
- Oh, sh*t! sh*t!

- sh*t!
- [yells] What the f*ck, Barry?

We were in the goddess realm with Claudia!

Sorry, I... I just realized
I forgot to cancel ad-free Peacock.

Oh, my God.

You know what? It's fine.
There's actually some good stuff on there.

Barry, I was in the middle
of my Claudia meditation.

Oh, wow, you're really into it.

You want me to hook it up on the Sonos
so we can both listen?

[angrily] No! Claudia made this
for me, okay? Not you.

You are not a goddess!

Okay, that's fine.

I've got a lot of stuff
going on over here too.

Siri, remind me to cancel
ad-free Peacock in 27 days.

So, did he remember
to cancel ad-free Peacock?

I don't know, Emmy.
I was kind of preoccupied.

And you'd think she'd be annoying because
she's sort of, "whoohoo crystals,"

but she's actually pretty grounded.

You would love her, Walter.

Well, it certainly
looks like you do, honey.

- [giggles]
- Look at you, all giddy and sh*t.

Shut up. I think Claudia
may have seen my glow.

- Is that possible?
- Uh, no.

Because if it was, Jason Momoa
would have seen me a long time ago.

You're right. She's not even my client.

She didn't see me.

But if you figure out how to
make that happen, let me know, because...

♪ I wanna glowa on Jason Momoa
Till he cums... oaaa ♪

[laughing] Walter's fun.
I'm glad he's part of the story.

But what about Claudia?
When did you see her again?

- In through the nose...
- [both breathing deeply]

And back out. Good.

Okay, I'm gonna rest my hand
on your stomach, is that okay?

Should I put my hand on my stomach?

[laughs] Whatever you need, Barry.

Okay, now, Becca, imagine opening
your physical body to the universe.

[breathes deeply]

Oh, my God, it's the light again.

[gasps] You can see me!

Yeah, and you... What are you?

I'm Becca's Lovebug.

Am I supposed to be able to see you?

[nervously] No. This is not okay.
This is crazy.

[both] Holy sh*t.

Becks, are you okay?

I just had the weirdest
out-of-body experience. That was intense.

Um, maybe that's enough for today.

- What was that?
- I have no idea.

Okay, um, that's our time today.
Nice work, Becca. Wait, don't go.

Okay. Yeah. [chuckles]
I'll stay. Should Barry go?

Oh, no, I... I'm sorry.

- I was talking to the light.
- Oh.

[nervously] Sure, that's normal.
Uh, have fun with the light.

Please stay.

I'm sorry. I can't be here.

No! No! What the hell? You left?

Ugh, we can't get involved with humans.
You know that's forbidden.

- It's the number-one rule.
- But you went back to Claudia, right?

Of course I went back.
I couldn't help myself.

[ethereal tinkling]

- Oh, sh*t! sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!
- You're back!

Is that supposed to be me?

Well, that depends. Do you like it?

- I love it! Wow!
- [chuckles]

- Why did you leave the other day?
- I was scared.

Scared of me?

No! Scared of the way I felt
when you saw me.

There are just some things that Lovebugs
and humans aren't allowed to do together.

Well, who made those rules?

[chuckles] Honestly,
I have no f*cking idea.

- [laughs]
- [phone chimes]

Oh! One of my clients is going into labor.

Oh! You've gotta go.

- Why don't you come with me?
- Oh, I... I don't know.

Oh, come on,
we're bringing life into the world!

You're going to love it. Trust me.

Oh, and the dad is definitely gonna faint,
so that's gonna be fun.

f*ck it!
Let's go watch a weak white man faint!

- I'm assuming he's white, right?
- Mmm-hmm.

In this corner,
the Main Vein of Pain,

the Master c*m Blaster,

Mr. Beef!

Come on, little dicks!

And in this corner,
the Little Willy from South Philly.

The Tiny b*ner soon to become
an Organ Donor,

c*ck Ballsboa.

Hey, that's a really great intro!

Ooh, Maury, your d*ck doesn't stand
a blue ball's chance in horny hell.

He's not my d*ck.
I'm not his coach anymore, you hear me?

Oh, come on,
you're really gonna let c*ck go it alone?

All right, here we go.
I'm expecting a fair fight here.

- [bell dinging]
- Oh, God, I can't even look.

I guess I'll just take this moment
to manually update the apps on my phone.

- [Mr. Beef laughing]
- Ooh!

Come on! Hit me harder, you little b*tch.

Come on, c*ck.
Stay light on your ba*ls.

Oh, damn it! He's leaving
the whole right side of his shaft open.

- [Mr. Beef grunting]
- [c*ck groans]

Oh, come on, ref! What are you, blind?

Well, no, but I am
overdue for cataract surgery.

Mr. Beef's gonna put your
dopey little d*ck in the ground, Maury!

Right next to Apollo Cream!

Oh, Apollo... Let's cut to a flashback.

[dramatic music playing]

[in slow motion] My brain hurts!

[in slow motion] We'll get an aspirin
after the fight!

- [groans]
- [crowd gasping]

No!

We'll never know what went wrong that day,

but I'll be damned
if I let it happen again!

That's right, Maury. Coach that c*ck!

Hey, c*ck. Listen to me.

Oh, man, Maury, I'd love to,
but I'm... I'm doing a fight up here.

- No, c*ck. We're doing a fight up here.
- Hey, great!

- [groans] Not great.
- [bell dings]

Okay, that one's on me.
That... That's my bad.

- [groaning]
- Okay, you're almost there, Brenda.

You're almost there.

Remember your breathing.
This is your moment.

- [Brenda yelling]
- You are a goddess. You are a warrior.

Oh, God. Thank you.

You make me feel so strong,
like Ronda Rousey or a... a truck.

You are amazing.

Here comes the head.

- Jeff! Jeff, get down there.
- Oh, no. I'm not so sure I want to see it.

You'll be sorry if you don't witness
this magical moment. Come on, Jeff.

- Okay.
- [Brenda groaning]

- [water sloshes]
- Okay, he's here!

Oh, look at this little face!

You did that, Brenda.

It's my son!
[weakly] And it's happening.

- See? Told you.
- [chuckling]

Wow. Watching you bring so much love
into that family's life was incredible.

Oh, thank you. [chuckles]

Is it hard for you
to just leave afterwards?

Yeah, kind of,
but it's what I do, you know?

I help facilitate joy for other people,
and then I go home.

Wow. That's actually exactly what I do.

Yeah, it can get lonely sometimes, right?

Yeah.

So, what do we do now?

Well, you want to see something
that'll blow your a*s away?

[chuckles] Always.

Wow. What is this place?

[female voice] Welcome to the
Department of Magical Thinking.

Oh, sh*t! Disembodied voices. Yes, please.

Oh-h*! You ain't seen nothin' yet!

Take my hand.

Oh, wow. Look at the stars,
they're incredible.

Hey, what's your sign?

Now, come on, girl.
Is that the best pick-up line you have?

Just answer.

Fine, fine, I'm an Aquarius.

Hey, Aquarius! Wake the f*ck up!

I'm up. I'm up. Oh, Sonya!
And you brought a human?

Naughty, naughty.
Just kidding, I don't give a f*ck. Ahh!

Do that thing you do
for my friend Claudia.

Read her fortune.

Uh-uh. You know it's called a horoscope.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm sure he doesn't wanna...

Ah! Don't tell me what I want.
Now, hold on to your t*ts, ladies.

Claudia, as an Aquarius,

you are destined for greatness or madness.

But probably greatness. Or maybe madness.

- Ahh! Because, baby, you're a firework.
- [fireworks bursting]

Come on, show 'em what you're worth.

- Wait. Isn't that a song?
- Ugh, I hate songs.

People who write songs can eat
my whole as*h*le. Yes, they can.

Also, you gonna kiss a girl
and you gonna like it.

Well, you heard the constellation.

I guess it's in the stars.

Mmm.

Ooh, that's right, I said it.
Look at y'all kissin'.

Look at girls kissin'.
I like when ladies kiss.

Oh, my God. You fell in love with her.

[sighs] I did.

Oh, please tell me
you're living happily ever after

and she's hiding in your apartment
like a sexy E.T.,

flicking your bean with her glow fingy.

Emmy! Do you actually think
this story has a happy ending?

I work here now.

But it's not fair!
Why can't a Lovebug be with a human?

Ah, it f*ck with their minds.
And it f*ck with ours too.

You're the one who wanted
to hire Claudia in the first place!

Yeah, but when you two are together,

I feel like the third person
on some weird date.

Hey, party people. Whoa!
What's with the funeral vibes in here?

Barry wants to fire Claudia.

What? Why?

Just tell me you don't have
some kind of weird crush on Claudia,

and I'll shut up about the whole thing.

You're being ridiculous!
I just like her a lot.

- Well, that's not what I was hoping for!
- No! No, no, you love her!

We want to spend
the rest of our lives with her!

Stop. What the f*ck are you talking about?

Dump Barry's b*tch a*s.
Let's leave him for Claudia.

None of us
will ever have to wear a bra again!

Whoa, you sound crazy right now.

[scoffs] I love Barry.

No, you don't!

Yes, I do. And he's right.

I shouldn't be so obsessed with Claudia,
and you shouldn't either!

f*ck you!

If you fire Claudia,

your baby is gonna be a complete turd.

That's it, Sonya!
Get the hell out of my house!

- Oh, I was already f*cking leaving!
- [poofing]

Ugh! Becca can be such a ruthless b*tch!

[nervously] Okay, okay, what do you think?

Does the couch look better over here
or where I had it?

Claudia? Are you hearing me?
They want to fire you.

Well, maybe that's a good thing, okay?

I should just get rid of all of my clients
and just be with you.

What? No!

You bring life and joy into the world.

Yeah, for other people. What about us?

What about our joy?
Should I throw this lamp away?

Why? What's wrong with the lamp?

We don't need it. You're my light.
[gasps] Let's run away together.

What? Where would we even go?

The stars. You can't show me the stars,

then expect for me to just go on living
down here in f*cking Bushwick.

Claudia, we can't go back up there.
Humans aren't allowed to live...

Then come down here
and live on Earth with me.

What would you be leaving behind anyway?

- [gentle music plays]
- [Sonya] She was so right.

In all my millions of years,
I'd never felt anything like that.

[Emmy] Plus, everyone up here sucks.

Well, if I'm gonna live here,

the couch might be better
against that wall.

- [gasps] I love you.
- I love you.

[both] Mmm.

I can't believe
they're gonna pan away to a c*ck.

- [dramatic music playing]
- [crowd clamoring]

[both grunting]

[Gavin] Get him! Get him!

[dramatic music continues]

Excuse me, my eye is up here, folks.

Oof. Cut me, boy.

[groans]

[crowd clamoring]

[man] Come on, roundhouse!
Get that d*ck!

- [bell dinging]
- Yeah! Fool!

I'm gonna beat you so bad, you're gonna
look like a sleeping bag full of bones!

Just a limp d*ck!

[crowd cheering]

Maury, you... you gotta
throw in the sock, man.

That d*ck is too much. I... I'm cooked.

No, you're not. You know why?
Because you're c*ck Ballsboa.

And you have more heart in your nuts,

and more fluid in your brain
than any d*ck I've ever seen.

My head does feel
like a piña colada right now.

You know who you remind me of?
Apollo Cream.

Because I am gonna make you finish
this fight whether you want to or not.

Put that d*ck in the ground,
you ugly hunk of f*ck!

- [bell dinging]
- Look, c*ck, you can't out-punch him.

But you can out-stroke him.

- What's that now?
- Cradle the ba*ls, stroke the shaft.

Hey, that sounds pretty great.
Also, you know, kind of familiar.

Maybe Google it after the episode.

- [music from "Eye of the Tiger" playing]
- [Rick grunting musically]

♪ Trying to poop ♪

♪ Tony the Tiger is a personal friend ♪

♪ We vacation together with our families ♪

♪ Our kids are the same age
So it makes sense to hang ♪

♪ And we all sleep in one big round bed ♪

♪ In the timeshare ♪

[Mr. Beef moans]

- What the f*ck is he doing?
- He's jacking him off!

- [c*ck grunting]
- Oh, sh*t! This feels amazing.

Gavin hasn't let me bust in a month.

- [moaning]
- [crowd cheering wildly]

- [Maury] Make it rain!
- Suck it back in!

- Seven, eight, a nine, a ten!
- [Mr. Beef groaning softly]

- And he's flaccid!
- [bell dinging]

- [crowd cheering and chanting] c*ck!
- Yeah, Maury!

Maury! I did it! I didn't die!

That's right, kid.
You did it and you're absolutely fine.

Hey, yo, Maury, I... I did it!
And I didn't die!

Oh, boy.

Okay, so you guys were gonna
run away together, love that.

But I gotta ask,
with the bug parts and the lady parts,

like, how did it work sexually?

Um, good enough
that I was gonna quit my job.

Hey, bug! Manically packing up your office
in a cold sweat.

- What's with the downward spiral, honey?
- Oh!

Oh, Walter, I was just coming to find you.

- Uh, here!
- Uh, what's this?

My clients. I need you to take them over.

- What the f*ck are you talking about?
- I'm leaving. Me and Claudia are in love.

So, you're just
going to stop being a Lovebug?

You can't do that. It's your purpose.

f*ck my purpose!
When do I get to be loved?

Sonya, this will be bad for her.

She's a human.

[angrily] But this is what she wants.

Humans need things we don't need,
things we can't give them.

You're being crazy.

- f*ck you! f*ck this whole place!
- [elevator dings]

I am gonna go live down there
with the woman I love!

Sonya, don't do this!
The f*ck are you looking at, Ethan?

- [boom]
- Claudia, I did it.

- Claudia?
- Sonya?

What's wrong?

Have you ever thought about
how nobody else in the world

is going to experience
the kind of love we have?

- Um, no?
- It's just so f*cking depressing.

You're gonna live so much longer than me,
and this planet,

and there's floods, and there's fires,

but never at the same time
to cancel each other out.

And then sea levels are rising,
and so is online shopping.

Did you know that JCPenney's
went out of business? f*cking men!

Babe? You okay?

- [groans]
- When's the last time you slept?

- I don't know.
- Well, have you eaten lately?

I don't need any of those things anymore.

I have you.

[dejectedly] Oh, Claudia.

[Emmy] Oh, sh*t. So, she was crazy?

[Sonya] No, no, she was sick.

Maybe that's why she could see me.
I don't know.

All I knew
was that I was making things worse.

Hey.

- Huh?
- Remember your horoscope?

That b*tch Aquarius
said you were destined for greatness.

Or madness.

Well, I need it to be greatness.

You have a purpose.

You bring joy and life to the world.

And you brought those things to me.

- Because I love you.
- And I love you.

Which is why I can't be with you.

What? No! No, no, no! Don't say that!

It kills me to say it,
but I can't help you on this Earth.

But Sonya...

And if you love me,
you need to find someone who can.

- Is there anyone we can call?
- [dejectedly] Oh...

I don't know.

- Maybe my... my sister?
- Let's call your sister.

[bittersweet music playing]

Goodbye, my universe.

Goodbye, my Aquarius.

Oh, my God. Sonya, I'm so sorry.

Hey, sh*t happens, kid.

And now you don't even
get to be a Lovebug anymore.

Yeah, but the thing is,

I had forgotten what love was
and Claudia reminded me.

So, you don't regret it?
Falling in love and getting fired?

Ruining your whole stupid life?

No! Love is worth it!
Even when it's painful.

And that's why what we do...

I mean, what you do, is so important.

And, yeah, you're gonna throw up
on your co-workers sometimes.

Well, some of them
were technically my superiors.

But being a Lovebug is your purpose.
So, you get your a*s back there on Monday.

And drink maybe a teeny bit less. Okay?

Okay, yeah!

I'm gonna do one of those things.

- [door opens]
- [crowd chanting] c*ck! c*ck!

Okay, let's go!

All monsters and penises,
we're closing up.

[c*ck] Hey, yo, Maury,
I did it! I didn't die!

Hey, Sonya,
did you ever see Claudia again?

[sighs] No, I never did.

[sentimental music playing]

[ethereal twinkling]

[sentimental music continues]

[both breathe deeply]

["You're The One That I Want"
by Julia Stone playing]

♪ You're the one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey ♪

♪ The one that I want ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Can't you see? ♪

♪ Oh, yes, indeed ♪

♪ Yes, indeed ♪

[soft guitar music continues]