01x07 - The Lie

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

I am put lettuce on the list lettuce

okay so far we need eggs frozen orange

juice cheese slices peanut butter

English muffins and a lettuce any

hamburger and hamburger canteen and tuna

I mean me oh that's sneaky that's not as

sneaky as what some girls do for a mink

coat how many times have I told you not

to play with that in here I hope I

didn't put you in a bad mood

no why I'd like to have a talk about my

allowance what about your allowance well

with the cost of living going up I sure

need a raise especially since I'm saving

for a bite oh and what about my

allowance I'm saving for a mink dad my

steeper Jimmy what makes you think the

cost of living is going up I mean the

government says inflation is down to

only four percent this year your own son

the secretary of the Treasury I'll give

it some serious thought Jamie your Vicky

put these in the wastebasket ye in the

wastebasket play a little one-on-one

basketball with me dad

oh sorry honey your father's playing

some one-on-one with me at the grocery

store

let's see going Ted okay well then can I

teach Vicky to play

I suppose so Jamie just don't leave her

alone out there yeah and be careful

about Harry and next door on her parents

I mean they're curious enough about

Vicky as it is no problem follow me the

heat violated you hold it what did I

just say about playing with that in here

sorry dad bad habits are hard to break

well if you don't break that bad habit

before you break something in the house

I'm just liable to break something over

your rear end his rear end gets the

message

[Laughter]

now you got all that Vikki and the idea

is to put the ball in that hoop up there

and that hoop up there some guy 7c

target paid a million dollars just to do

that that computes at to eleven thousand

nine hundred and four dollars and

seventy six cents an inch hey I think

I'll start taking top hills then maybe

one day I can slam dunk slam dunk that

words not in my memory bank well that

means that you dribble the ball like

this and then you jump way up in the air

and slam the ball through the basket got

it got it I don't believe it you're a

short white magic Johnson

now if I could do that I'd be the first

player ever to go to the pros right from

grammar school hi Jamie hi Vicki hi

Harriet hi Harriet Norman hi hi you want

to play a little one-on-one with whom

with me

are you kidding Tripp I wipe you up who

you callin her shrimp you if you are

fish I'd throw you back oh yeah yeah

yeah well since you feel that way

about playing a little one-on-one with

my cousin Vicki with a girl he's crazy

he's definitely lost his marbles

well I got a dollar that says she can

beat you Norman

you just flapping your gums right no I

mean it

here's my dollar easiest doll I ever

made you're on sucker Harriet can hold

the money it's okay with me go first

here kid take your best shot what kind

of trick is that that's no trick I miss

shirt why Magic Johnson thanks for the

dollar Turkey hey that's not fair how'd

she do that uh

long arms

[Laughter]

long lines I still think it's it's Trek

the least you can do is give him a

chance to win his dollar back yeah

give me a chance only we'll play

something else is time how about high

jumping you must think I'm stupid don't

be offended Norman everybody does

well I got this new electronic space

game in the house we want to play that

now you're talking

here's my dollar you're on let's go hey

don't do that in here do what his father

said not to play ball in the house he's

got a little hard-nosed plan I'm just

bouncing it come on Norman Kimmy ball

okay okay don't that's the good Oh No

now look what you've done it's your

fault

you should have caught the ball come on

Norman it's almost lunchtime and it

doesn't look like clubs were here to go

to feed us see you butterfingers that

Norman's a real jerk a real jerk look at

this my dad's gonna k*ll me when he

finds out you're supposed to be smart

stick my problem in your computer and

see what comes out I will evaluate the

problem well what's the answer your

dad's going to k*ll you when he finds

out

[Laughter]

if this works that'll never find out dad

will never find out keep your fingers

crossed

put him down Vicky last month I broke my

mom's antique lamp and I never got

caught

I was lucky lucky yeah cuz after I glued

the pieces back together the angel on

the lamp was pigeon-toed and Christ I

really don't like lying to my parents

but I like child abuse even less lying

is not in my memory bank oh that's right

robot wouldn't know about that well you

see there are big lies and little eyes

good lies and bad lies and I'm just a

white lies little white lies yeah

they're called white cuz you don't end

up black and blue where you usually pee

black and bluer you're usually pink now

this is our secret Vicky you don't know

anything about my gluing this teapot

together got it got it boy this is

strong stuff

practically glue my fingers together hey

it worked here we go mmm looks good what

are you doing Vicky

oh I taught her to do that I feel so

guilty when we're eating this she just

stands there and watches us honey you

have to stop thinking of her as a child

robots don't eat yeah she goop up her ol

inside

you know if you can't eat and I know she

can't eat but does she know she can't

eat I do put my hope in sighs you see

honey there's no point in whispering her

hearing sensors can pick up two ants

fighting over a bagel crumb Mickey you

can stop eating you're all filled up boy

she'd make a cheap date oh please oh no

I forgot to put coffee on the shopping

list

would you mind tea for a change no not

at all oh you don't want tea why not uh

he's not good for you it makes your

teeth fall out where did you hear a

crazy thing like that from some kid

without teeth I'll take a chance if you

will honey okay if you promise you'll

still love me when I'm toothless no

better

I still say you're making a mistake

there's a lot of caffeine in tea and it

makes you nervous mmm

yeah I get nervous just looking at that

teapot well risk it just this once

Oh were you able to teach you have Vicki

to play one-on-one yes I can slam dunk

slam dunk I'm a short white magic

Johnson this I gotta see

great idea let's all go out and watch

you slam dunk now Jamie sit down finish

your lunch we'll do it later

yes sir I imagine things there was that

teapot linking you're imagining things

it sure is leaking honey it sure is

thinking honey I can't understand it I

just bought it

well no wonder this thing was glued

together they sure don't make people

fight they used to I have a feeling this

teapot became defective after it was

sold what do you know about this Jamie

me what do you know about this Vicki I

don't know anything about Jamie gluing

the teapot or his fingers together I

don't suppose it was hit by a basketball

by any chance and where's your father

told you about playing ball in the house

I wasn't now I admit that I glued it

together but it was Harriet Scott who

broke it he reads Kaza

I keep named Norman right Nicky a kid

named Norman I am surprised at you Jamie

trying to put the blame on some innocent

kid next door I'll just do that he'll

just do that Brenda Brenda Brenda I put

under peeper pissed

here it is hello Harriet

this is mr. Lawson next-door do you or

your cousin Norman know anything about a

broken teapot over here I see Thank You

Harry well what'd she tell you the truth

yeah you know that Harry is a sweet

little kid she said they don't know

anything about a broken teapot

that's sweet little kids lying go to

your room Jamie go to your room and stay

there we'll talk about this later yes if

I'm lying may I be hit by lightning on

this very spot

stand back honey see I'll say one thing

for him he's got guts Jamie I think we

just solved the mystery of my lamp with

a cross-eyed angel and the peach in

chats now one broken thing at a time

can I at least take my dessert with me I

promise I won't enjoy it well all right

here you go

thanks mom and I'm telling you I'm not

lying about the teapot there are big

lights and the two lights good lies and

bad lights and harmless little white lie

so you don't end up black and blue where

you're usually pink

I'm knock it off Ricky alright alright

you go to your room too I don't have a

room but I'll get you my cabinet it was

inexpensive teapot John that's not the

point

he has to learn that he can't get away

with these things this time he has to be

punished

we only suppose your ride well what do

you suggest um send him to bed without

his dinner that won't work why not I'd

sneak food into him me too

no point in him having two meals in bed

none in here well whatever punishment we

decide on we have to go through with it

no giving in no matter how pitiful he

looks right on one condition what's that

that you

stop looking so pitiful Vicky do you

realize how much trouble I'm in on a

disaster scale of 1 to 10 I'm a 12 that

doesn't compute on a scale of 1 to 10

there's no 12 there is now my only hope

is that my parents will be soft-hearted

when I remind them that my birthday is

coming up when is your birthday seven

months from now well I hope I make it to

my next birthday Jamie your mother and I

have decided on your punishment before

you tell me what it is can I say

something

what he helps to make it to his next

birthday well that sounds like a

reasonable enough request I just like

your mom to keep in mind all the good

things I've done for you in the short

but loving time I've been with you such

as well there's a time I the other time

no well remember when I stopped wetting

my bed no but I sure remember when you

started hey I know without even being

asked two days before Christmas well how

about the way I cleaned up my room last

week oh you had to so you could find

your bed you really know how to hurt a

guy

we sure do for the next two weeks you

are coming home from school you're going

straight to your room there will be no

television no basketball in the backyard

and no allowance does that affect the

raise you were gonna give me let me put

it to you this way if you were older you

could declare bankruptcy

why don't you just line me up against

the wall blindfold me and then sh**t me

because you might ask for a last

cigarette and we don't want you smoking

gee whiz I'm not another word Jamie dad

I do not want to hear one word out of

you got it got it what's the word be

quiet

that's two words man television no

basketball no allowance doesn't pay to

be a kid these days I'll show them

I won't eat people who don't eat starve

to death okay I won't eat between meals

there's gotta be a way I can talk to my

folks out of this your dad said he

doesn't once you hear one word out of

you

yeah I know hey wait a minute

he didn't say anything about a word out

of you you're a tape recorder right

right well your tape recorder is gonna

talk for me turn it on Vicki take a

letter to my dad I am recording what do

you want Harriet they really expected to

yo huh Jamie I'd be happy to tell your

old man the truth that I broke the pot

it only cost you $10 $10 that's not nice

Norman he's in terrible trouble do it

for only $5 okay

I'm all hard yeah well I don't have $5

Norman but I have something else what's

that

would you like some pie sure would as a

down payment you got it

okay let's get back to my letter Viki

you can proceed I had been recording you

mean you taped everything that was just

said I did

holy cow do you know what this means

it's going to be a long letter you think

we were too hard on Jaime I was

wondering the same thing

it's not fair he's the one who did it

why do we feel guilty maybe we feel

better if we stopped watching television

for two weeks and you stopped my

allowance I thought I told you to stay

in your room yeah I know but please dad

you gotta hear this okay Vicky play back

what you recorded I am rewinding I'm

warning you Jaime if this is a trick no

honest dad

ready Vicky ready this is a recording

[Music]

see I was telling you the truth

yes this time but if you hadn't broken

that lamp in the past and lied about

gluing that pot together and I hadn't

warned you so many times we might have

believed you line only leads to more

trouble Jaime yeah I can see that I was

a real dummy alright I'm so glad you

invented Vicky's dad and that you're a

genius it's not necessary you're off the

hook I'd sure be lost without you Vicky

that's not necessary you're off the hook

[Applause]

she's my small wonder lovely and bright

and soft rose she's a small

a childlike again

and I grant you see the change recite

she's the small one

[Music]