01x11 - Child Genius

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

one two

your father wants you 9/10 numbers three

to eight hey mind your own business

learn how to count don't get bossy just

cuz you're my sister now it doesn't

change our master/sl*ve relationship

that'll do it

look at that frightening isn't it now

the other one

eat your heart out arnold schwarzenegger

boy lifting these weights makes you

strong makes you strong wow that's what

I call pumping iron

[laughter]

okay how's that any clearer that's much

clearer great now the picture is only

two inches high oh yeah strange but true

hello mrs. Lawson remember me

oh they be a fern walled of course said

the nice social worker that helped us

with vicky's adoption yes pumpkin hello

I'm here as part of the usual follow up

on adopted children make sure that

they're happy in their new homes

well vicky's having that time of her

life she just loves it here good I'd

like to talk to her if I may of course

our pleasure can I do it inside the

house tell me how is vicky doing in

school school well la she hasn't been to

school yet no may I ask why not

measles I beg your pardon

yeah chicken pot the poor kid if it's

not one thing it's another

yes she's very frail mom dad what you

got see this did you say she was frail

those are fake weights you know

styrofoam here oh ted you comedian he's

just the life of the party you remember

our son hi hello jamie

oh vicki oh I hear you've been ill how

do you feel dear

I feel like this she's another comedian

oh like father like daughter

jamie take vicki to her room so she can

lie down and rest right come on vicki I

do not lie down and rest I stand up in

my cabinet all night with my eyes open

see a funny kid or what huh sleeps with

a joan rivers doll can we talk you know

she seems to be feeling a little better

well I'm quite concerned about her

schooling now she has to go as soon as

possible or else have a tutor at home

don't we have any other choices mrs.

Fern wall yes yes we can take vicky away

or you can go to jail

we'll get the tutor excellent and I may

have just the man for you donald corbett

I'll call him and see if he can pop by

tomorrow if that's all right with you

oh the sooner the better and thanks for

taking such an interest in vicky it's

all part of my job oh oh this is great

first we have to adopt a robot now we

have to educate it what next unless I

hope she doesn't mean another robot and

want to get married joan joanie joanie

honey remember one of us has to be with

the tutor and vicky at all times okay

I'll remember honey that's probably him

okay mrs. Lawson

oh that's right mr. Corbett correct now

that the niceties are over shall we get

down to business I take it you are mr.

Lawson that's right you can take it that

I am vicky I figured that out already

your size gives you away I'm programmed

to be an average tenure child

kids going into computer talk these days

would you like something mr. Corbett

coffee tea no thank you

caffeine keeps me awake and if you would

have a dull child I can catch a few

weeks

shall we begin I would like to establish

the level of vicky's intelligence or

lack of it

oh vicky's pretty smart I'll be the

judge of that he'll be the judge of that

well at least we shall start out on the

right foot start out on the right foot

[laughter]

she's a bit of a comedian sometimes I am

not amused

sit vicky vicky I want you to read the

first chapter of this textbook while I

discuss the terms of my possible

employment with your fortunate parents

[laughter]

my working habits are what is the child

doing she just loves to count pages

right vicky no I read the first chapter

what I forgot to slow down her scanner

what was that he said you have a very

nice manner oh yes I have so you read

the entire chapter you say yes I say

well you can undoubtedly tell me what

you read

I can undoubtedly tell you what I read

american history fifth grade by james

plummer copyright 1983 library of

congress catalog publications data

this is absolutely amazing just a lucky

guess

lucky guess she's memorized it word for

word

vicki read chapter 2 read chapter 2

chapter 2 incredible vicki when did

columbus sail to america under the

patronage of queen isabella and king

ferdinand of spain christopher columbus

set sail for the east indies in 1492

despite prevailing superstition that the

earth was flat that's another word for

word again that proves it beyond any

doubt mr. Mrs. Lawson this is not a

normal child what do you mean not normal

she's a prodigy a child genius oh no no

no no you're giving her too much credit

she's just an average fairly dumb kid

with fast eyes

mr. Lawson you don't realize what we

have here I shall begin tutoring her

tomorrow tomorrow always my kind of

sudden we mustn't waste time she's a

flower waiting to bloom and I shall be

her gardener until tomorrow vicki and

tomorrow

good heavens are strong arnold

schwarzenegger this is simply amazing to

corbett's no no no I cannot wait to tell

the scientific and academic community

about her no no goodbye you adorable

little brain oh honey we can't let this

guy in the house I mean sooner or later

he's gonna find out vicki's a robot I am

a child genius

you don't realize what we have here

vicki one more adjustment and the new

vicki will be ready for a tutor mr.

Corbett

can I hope this works it has to the last

thing this family needs is a child

genius remember that the next time I

bring home my report card

oh that kim okay we'll see how brilliant

he thinks vicky is now gone oh please

come in nice to see you of course it is

and how is my brilliant vicky today I'm

an adorable little brain you certainly

are and you have one of my most

endearing qualities a total lack of

modesty mr. Corbitt this is our other

child jamie I'm not a child genius but

what I lack in brains I make up in

personality how unfortunate

well I'd like to get started sit vicky

oh could we be alone please if you don't

mind mr. Corbett vicky is very shy and I

think she'd be more comfortable if we

were present so would we as you wish

you might even learn something for which

I would charge extra of course of course

jamie oh you can run along thanks I

wouldn't want to be accidentally

overeducated all right now vicky first I

would like to review what you read

yesterday as if I have to vicky

oh was christopher columbus she wasn't

at an explorer she don't you mean he he

she it's hard to tell miss crazy outfits

vicky how many ships did columbus have

1492

Oh vikki he had three ships no he had

three children with queen isabella hug

me a napkin santa maria I don't

understand this vicki why did columbus

set sail for america she proved that

queen isabella was flat

going on here she is totally confused

well we tried to tell you yesterday mr.

Corbett sad to say but vicki has a

learning disability what kind of

learning disability well she can absorb

anything she reads but she can only

retain it for a short period of time oh

this is terrible this is a tragedy this

was gonna make me well under the

circumstances I don't see how I could

tutor her well we thought not that's too

bad yes I could have made history with

that child what a loss to the world

where to last to the world you know

vicki is a most unusual case and frankly

what you need is a tutor who is very

special unique brilliant a man at the

top of his profession wait a minute I'm

describing me this is a challenge but I

shall rise to it I do not have a

gigantic ego for nothing see you next

week nicky see you next week

history begins monday just keep on

getting in deeper and deeper wait a

minute I've got an idea

oh boy do I have an idea oh boy do I

have an idea

listen vicky it's because of you were in

this mess so butt out and go to your

cabinet I'm batting out honey why didn't

I think of this before now when you were

in college what were you studying boys

you were studying to be a teacher oh no

no wait a minute I know what you're

thinking ted but I never did take my

test for the teaching accreditation why

not a little thing called our honeymoon

got in the way oh yeah and I gave you an

a in honeymoon 101 honey you can be

vicky's tutor and our school problems

are over I'll call the board of

education and find out when they're

giving the accreditation test study in

over ten years I don't remember any of

that stuff so you'll cram for it will

stall corbett until then honey this is

our last chance please well okay okay

now mom if a rectangular field is 25

feet longer than it is wide and the area

is three thousand seven hundred and

fifty square feet

what are the dimensions of the field 50

by 70 50 by 75 are you sure a child

genius does not make mistakes what's the

next question jaime mathematical

postulate state that if equals r divided

by equals the results are what can you

give me a hint

that's cheating hinting isn't cheating

its hinting my teacher doesn't give

hints I'm your mother give me a hint

hi how's it going

mom's having trouble with her homework

wall why don't we send her to bed

without any dinner ted there's so much

to learn well stay with it honey you

know you still got a few days before the

test and I will be making dinner tonight

so you don't have to interrupt your

study thanks jaime go get washed up oh

come on vicki I don't wash you're also

lucky you don't eat get out of my

kitchen move move move oh come on honey

keep studying I don't want anything to

bother you

thank you so what should I make for

dinner whatever you want you've got it

do we have any spaghetti next is sugar

and the sugar is next is beginning right

oh yeah here it is you old spaghetti out

it's some out of the ol box

[laughter]

look at this I mean like it doesn't fit

we're gonna need like a longer pot here

oh yeah I mean how dumb am I

[laughter]

no-no-no sit sit down honey I don't want

anything interrupting you I mean I got

it now

let me set the oven for what 350 400

[laughter]

what's going on here jamie she's

changing the bottle yeah no I'll do it

put it down vicki I didn't say on my

foot you didn't say not where's your

mother she's not back from the exam yet

but it was over hours ago

hello mr. Lawson mrs. Fern walled what a

nice surprise

yes please come in hello children well I

just thought I'd drop by and see how our

little student is coming along with mr.

Corbett well actually she hasn't started

with mr. Corbett yet he's a very fine

tutor but we may have found someone we

like even better oh someone you know

personally yes I met her as a baby and

when I was in the hospital

I assume this person is properly

accredited I hope so honey look who

dropped by oh don't you have anything to

tell mrs. Fern walled about vicky's new

tutor yes I do I'll be tutoring her

myself mrs. Perrault we're a very

supportive family well I'll be going but

I will be back periodically to check up

on vicky's progress early I had to wait

around and beg the examiner to grade my

paper right away they usually don't do

that well how'd you manage it let me put

it this way don't be surprised if he

phones me for a date

[applause]

[music]

she's my small wonder lovely and bright

and soft words she's a small

a child like other girls she's a miracle

and I grant you chilly change you a new

sight she's small

[music]

[applause]