02x17 - Matchmaker, Matchmaker

[bunniefuu]

Vicki Vicki

you called me oh yeah I'm running late

and your father's gonna be home any

minute please give this room a good

cleaning as quickly as possible as

quickly as possible

[Laughter]

[Music]

I'm finished cleaning Wow you could say

that again I have said you windows yeah

what place looks terrific oh it was

nothing

wow you can say that again come here

quick come here quick

those three words always cost me money

$60 bike you said you couldn't afford

yeah well I could afford it hundreds

Jaime why do you always act first and

then think later I mean how do you plan

on coming up with the money when you

have no job no income and no savings I

have a plan we're not gonna bail you out

this time there goes my plan advance

yeah but you got one problem I don't

plan on going anywhere in advance to

show you Harriet I've seen everything

you've got and I'm not interested I took

this computer dating test in this

magazine and guess what we're a perfect

match Harriet and we don't even have to

date we can go right to the altar hey

you just gave me a great idea Harriet

really I start picking out furniture no

I mean your magazine solved my money

problem I'm gonna start a computer

dating service for the kids in my class

at school

well it sure works for us it's free love

wait we're married and I can make your

life miserable agitate for five bucks

I'll find your perfect mate oh hi Roy uh

hold on Vickie have we found a match for

Roy Baxter yet stand by please got it

right

your perfect match is Carole Aronson

you'll get her a phone number when I get

my five bucks Vickie putting the

applications into your computer okay

okay oh hi Herbert hi Jamie what can I

do for you well I heard about your

computer dating service and I was

thinking that maybe well I mean it's

silly but well I never mind it's a

terrible idea

oh wait Herbert what's the matter it's

time to think I could get a date I never

had one before why not

well I'm poor I don't have any nice

clothes I wear glasses I don't even have

any friends cuz I'm boring Herbert you

don't need a matchmaker you need a

miracle yeah you're right see you wait

Herbert I was kidding I'm sure I can

find you a girl and I only charge five

dollars huh what can I get for a dollar

83 if you're lucky a stray dog to lick

your face

look keep your money for the date what

kind of girl do you like a blonde

bombshell sort of a Marilyn Monroe in my

size right what are you doing oh I'm

filling out one of Jamie's computer

dating questionnaires gotta be fun to

see how compatible you and I are funny

that is so silly

let's compare answers yeah I hope you're

worth five bucks

what's this you'd rather go out with

friends and spend the evening alone with

me

I meant occasionally I'd like to spend

an evening out with the girls

see how compatible we are I like to

spend an occasional evening out with the

girls too I'm finished cleaning the

windows thanks Vickie next time will

keep my mouth shut hey I got an idea why

don't we put our answers into our little

computer here and see what comes out huh

Vicki scan these questionnaires and

compute the answers for me okay

okay Thank You Ted and who is my perfect

match

your perfect match and my perfect match

is Cynthia Williams who's Cynthia

Williams age 13 height 4 foot 7 has

braces on her teeth and they call her

metal map or she sounds like my type how

old do you have to be to declare

bankruptcy what's the problem oh it's

just that everyone I matched up with my

computer dating service hated each other

I had to give them their money back I'm

sorry honey

no come on Jaime you're a smart fella

I'm sure you'll come up with another way

to pay for your bike no that's Ernie the

kid I owe the hundred dollars to what

are you gonna say to him hmm I might try

the Lord's Prayer put it there no put it

here where's my money eh relax old buddy

old pal

I shouldn't be all business and you

wouldn't want life to feel pain either

now where's my money

hey listen give your back no questions

asked

yeah well I got a question for you never

had a pair of handlebars shoved up your

nose is that with or without the

handbrake

you better have that money for me by

tomorrow or else or else you'll

repossess the bike no I'll repossess

your face honey I'm not trying to get

out of paying you the hundred dollars I

owe you I just can't do it by tomorrow

well if you don't the bike won't do you

any good

why not because you won't be able to

write it without kneecaps

hey I've got an idea what if I found you

a date with my computer dating service

why do you expect me to settle for a

date instead of a hundred bucks

no no I'll pay you the money too but

they don't just keep you happy until I

can raise the money

you thought I am NOT talking any date I

mean the girl of your dreams the one

that makes you wake up in the middle of

the night in a cold sweat I'm talking 12

year-old centerfold material yeah well

in that case I'll tell you what kind of

Babylon

she should be just like me you know what

I mean

yeah tough and stupid right

no problem Ernie it shouldn't take me

more than a few weeks to find her how

long a few days tomorrow four o'clock

that was my next suggestion

[Music]

I'm busy here yet go away unless of

course you want to subscribe to my

computer dating service in case you

don't work out I better get myself a

backup Jam pack okay well just answer

these questions do you consider your

personality to be warm care for your shy

it's an cheerfully you prefer a

date who is somewhat rich very rich or

extremely rich if they're filthy rich in

their carry and I think the only date

for you is that monster Ernie you

wouldn't do that to me would you I

wouldn't do it to Ernie

[Music]

poor Jaime

he's real having a problem with that kid

Ernie yeah well let's stay out of it

honey

he's got to learn to be responsible for

his own actions you're right it's too

bad about is computer dating not working

out I think it's a cute idea I mean

that's only a gimmick I mean that's just

for kids nothing can take the place of

two people meeting the old-fashioned way

like we did in college at a panty raid

did I forget here's back honey you know

why we're so compatible it's because we

don't let those little things that

bother other couples bother us you're

absolutely right

what little things but you know those

little community things that you do that

bother me I mean they're so unimportant

I I mean I can't even think of one I got

one didn't take too long well honey it's

so silly I mean it's hardly worth

mentioning you know mention well okay

okay it bothers me just leave me baby

bit that at least once a week you turn

our bathroom into a steaming jungle of

pantyhose

[Laughter]

okay now you tell me something that I do

that bothers you

well like you said I mean they're just

so unimportant that I can't even think

of one's got one well you see honey that

didn't take long at all

okay what is it well when you eat

spaghetti

you're supposed to twirl it on your fork

not suck it up off your plate okay so

I'm a spaghetti sucker but I don't

squeeze the toothpaste from the wrong

end

a million people do that a million

people don't do it in my bathroom and I

also don't like to step into the bathtub

and then sit on a hair curler curled

your hair

[Laughter]

okay why are we fine I know this is

silly again give me a kiss

later when when I say goodnight and tuck

you in on the sofa tonight buddy

tenly bull lawson it's my date here

uh-huh yeah she's getting ready she

wanted to look her best for a heavy dude

like you come on in

they better be right oh don't worry I

made sure she's just what you asked for

a female you Ernie meet Ernestine

[Laughter]

hiya sleazeball and you're my kind of

woman

give me five give you five think she

likes me I'll be right back

why don't you two lovebirds arm-wrestle

hi Jamie harbour what are you doing here

well I was just wondering if you found

my little Marilyn Monroe yet listen I'm

real busy could you come back some other

time no what's the point I knew you were

just trying to be nice to me I'm a real

loser for nothing I'm useless no you're

not

yeah I'm just a stink weed in the garden

of love

wait stinkweed I mean I mean Harbert

listen as long as you're here there just

happens to be a girl coming over right

now the more I think about it she just

might be your perfect match

really yeah come on in listen why don't

you go to my room and wait for her into

the hall on the right

you're the greatest you man that's five

times in a row come on give me another

chance

another chance

I gotta tell you Lawson this chick you

get lucky and won me over I told you so

many but I need it for a minute come on

on this team

we'll be right back hi is she here do I

look okay no don't tell me

relax Herbert should be crazy about you

trust me come on in Marilyn

here's your blonde bombshell Herbert how

you doing you like her Herbert that's

all safe she's logged on my glasses

yeah well that's enough for now Marilyn

don't want to burn out his batteries

it's okay oh there you know what's she

doing in those clothes

I know are you I'm Herbert who are you

I'm Ernie I'm leaving

all right Lawson what's he doing here

she's my date I'm burning out his

batteries some wimp she's mine no more

if it's gonna come between us right

Jimmy

well under the conditions I have to say

she's Herbert state what he needs one

more than you do all right wise guy

what's a turd face do you want your nose

move too

and as for you it's all I try to warn

you these handled registered with the

police department also one of my feet

yeah okay okay don't get your shorts in

an uproar you still owe me that money

for the part

Herbert are you really a karate expert

no I couldn't break a marshmallow with a

hammer I guess I was just trying to show

off for my little Marilyn you're my kind

of wind beats work well I guess it's

time you go now Herbert yeah and thanks

Jamie

it's been the best day I ever had my

Marilyn bye handsome bye

you've been swell you're real pretty

Marilyn why

[Laughter]

who was that ah just another satisfied

customer

Figgy wearing my things I'm a blonde

bombshell cool @viki

she was help me with my dating service I

thought you said it was a disaster I

said it was a failure now it's a

disaster I don't know how I'm gonna

raise the money for that bike

well you lucked out your father decided

to loan me the money so that you can pay

for it thanks dad what changed your mind

cuz he's so generous well no because you

left it in the driveway and I ran over

it with the car Viki go change your

clothes you look ridiculous

[Laughter]

I'll go slip into something more

comfortable

[Laughter]

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

thank you

[Music]