03x20 - Big J, the D.J.

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

morning morning Thank You Vicki oh honey

can I have some fresh fruit for my

cereal please oh sorry yes fork and

pecans fresh that'll be fine

it's peaches and pears half and half

think you would you open this for me

please

half and half thanks a lot Goldie that

goes all the way back to 1985 from there

have them crispy critters if the

electric chairs and their big hit 10,000

volts of love why are you talking like

you just gargled the sandpaper

I wanna sound like my idol Wolfman Jack

I'm trying out for lunchtime DJ at

school got it get going

bye

morning captain morning Frankie breath

honey sweetie baby Wow you've never

talked to me like that before us DJ's

talk to everyone like that play some

more of that

DJ talk on these sugar lips my mom

borrow a suitcase she has to go out of

town for a week to take care of my sick

grandma I'm sorry to hear that what's

making her sick I don't know but in a

week it'll be my mother suitcases in the

hall closet Harry it helps oh thanks

just think a whole week without Bonnie

Rendell next door and what a relief like

having a coil removed from your toe and

we still have Brandon like the pimple on

my nose wasn't ready hi John Vicki hi

honey sweetie ticky baby

Oh Harry already told you about Bonnie

leaving town for a week huh well she

gets away so seldom she's really kind of

looking forward to it so are we listen

Brandon now while she's gone if there's

anything you need please hesitate to ask

hurry and I'll be fine my sister item is

gonna come and stay with us for a week

hey your suitcase

oh good actually I only came over to

borrow a couple of things that Bonnie

needs for the trip if you don't mind

well glad to help her on her way

what's a couple of things for her Oh

Jonesy that'd be a big help

Thanks

[Music]

I guess I'm a little nervous Jamie me

too I miss Brent well and good luck to

all of you

Reggie we're gonna start with you the

rest you can go so now remember we're

gonna start with my signal and this has

been broadcast to other school so I want

you to speak right into the microphone

okay

hey you catch this is doctor cool

playing I tracks her in school

I'm where's at and now where is Ben so

stick around cause the doctors in

way to go ready you were really good

hey don't be so surprised my man when a

doctor speaks you have heightened

distance okay Jamie it's your turn I

don't think I can audition Oh

oh well that's too bad we're gonna

finish up the rest of the auditions

tomorrow you can come back and try again

then yeah tomorrow

I hope you feel better okay yeah maybe

you can be next

hey Jay don't you think that uh throat

thing came a little sudden yeah well it

seems to me like you're chickening out

oh no I just had a frog in my throat hmm

what kind of frog ball you're telling me

[Music]

big mistake

Vicky checkmate i won

I want honey I finally beat Vicky at

chess do it

well I think we can chalk it up to a

brilliant strategy and of course man's

intellectual superiority over that of a

robot and he also programmed me to lose

hey big J the DJ I'm a DJ alright a dumb

jerk what's the matter honey

the funny thing happened on the way to

the audition today I didn't try out

brilliant strategy why not cuz Reggie

was so good I wouldn't have had a chance

he did us all audition and rap

well what's rap when you tuck in time

battle me attack then when you watch the

run then you're doing rap dig well Jamie

listen if you want to be this DJ don't

give up I mean if rap is Reggie's

gimmick then you just get a better one

right no no the pimples back there must

be a sister with him I hope she's not as

big a fool as her brother come on Vicky

maybe you can help me think of a DJ

gimmick either me I'd like you to meet

Ted and Joel awesome this is my sister

friend and you were right they do look

like Ken and Barbie

thanks a lot Brandon Brandon says you're

his favorite neighbors really well not

in the whole neighborhood just this

house well it certainly is delightful to

meet you item a of course it is I'm a

very delightful person Oh Joan your hair

I love that style oh thank you you keep

wearing it it'll come back

this kitchen is very interesting well

Jerome decorated it herself it looks

just like Phyllis dillers kitchen oh

really

before she remodeled it yeah how did you

happen to get in Phyllis dillers kitchen

making a delivery funny

Phyllis Diller happens to be one of my

closest friends I'm the one who talked

her into remodeling first her kitchen

then her face everybody in show business

oh really

Oh Brandon you're embarrassing me as I

said to Dolly Parton at a reception for

Joan Collins at Kirk Douglas s house I

said dolly if there's one thing I simply

can't stand it's a name-dropper

oh I suppose you're best friends with

dolly to say I like this are you kidding

it was item a who sent a dolly honey

funny wigs don't cut it you want to make

it be show business you have to get

yourself a couple of great big gigantic

hit records Brandon you know I don't

like to be touched

I'm sorry anyway that's nothing to what

I did for Joan Rivers then what did you

do for Joan Rivers are you kidding do

you know what I used to say to her what

can we talk

and next you'll be telling us you're the

one who taught flipper how to swim he

already knew I taught him to walk on his

tail what we better get home and clean

up cuz I know what you guys are thinking

you wonderful crazy guys what are we

thinking that you want us to come to

dinner tonight so you can get to know I

have a better Oh we'd love to Brandon

but we can't tonight oh we understand

no problem we'll make it tomorrow night

7:00 fine for me roast beef fine for me

nerve what imagination okay she must

think we are really stupid to believe

that she knows big stars like Joan

Rivers Joan Rivers how do you Bravo it's

what a giraffe

keep me talk

where did you lose a biggie for matching

top shows on television Vicky can you

imitate anybody else funny I don't talk

funny I'm a girl and I wanna have fun

[Laughter]

this is great Vicky I just figured out

how I'm gonna win that DJ contest

tomorrow

now here's the gimmick for my DJ try out

tomorrow Viki it can't miss so listen

closely listen closely

[Music]

not back close now I'm gonna phone you

from the DJ booth tomorrow at school

and tell everybody I'm talking to a

famous star then you do an imitation of

that star like Michael Jackson can you

do in Michael Jackson I'd like to thank

all my fans for making me rich now I can

afford another glove that's great Viki

who else can you do

Oh Cogan you can really do him yes do it

this is green junior high on the air and

it's big Jay the DJ telling those of you

who just joined us that for the last 10

minutes I've been talking on the phone

to my close personal friend that legend

of pro football and the LA Raiders Lyle

Alzado ng how does he know the elevator

beats me I thought the ones that

joon-hee know was me do you mind if we

ask a couple more questions

[Laughter]

toughest Raider of mom I always say

excuse me before I rip somebody's lips

off kookie baby what's your favorite

food quiche with a whip in a chair

Reggie Reggie what is going on probably

forever something else you need to say

small person yeah so I walk through the

valley in the shadow

Jamie what is going on here

I'm mr. Brian's a school principal mr.

Isles they don't don't worry well as

another school having lunch after

talking to the kids and I heard myself

supposedly being interviewed by this

tackling dummy when you have a stomach

like mine I'm talking major indigestion

sure had me fooled

Jamie the truth okay I wanted it be

school DJ so bad I've had someone to

imitate mr. Alzado so you thought I knew

someone famous and be impressed Jamie

you don't have to do something dishonest

to get what you want all you got to do

is hang in there and work hard and

everything in your life will turn out

alright yeah you're right I don't blame

you for being mad at me mr. Alzado I'm

not mad anymore besides I kind of like

that word you used about me what word

legend a Miss around anymore

you know Jamie I think it would be a

good idea if you got on that microphone

and told everybody how you tried to fool

him oh he doesn't need to anymore mr.

Brett everybody already knows they do

Wow

cuz you left the microphone on tackling

dummy Oh Vicki would you see who's at

the door

it's mr. brindle Vicky

I'm sorry about that

it's a joke come on I met you but who's

the little door slammer this is our

daughter Vicky Vicky this is mr. brindle

sister Ida Mae it's nice to meet you

Vicky I hope we'll be friends I hope

you're not as big a fool as your brother

kids say the darndest thing yes but she

was right about him Vicki why don't you

take this tray into the living room

please

well now Joan what do you hope that

turns out to be my own secret recipe

keep it that way

item a is an expert chef talk truly a

child everything she knows well not

everything only how to cook well come on

I mean we just stop putting us on how

could you possibly know all those famous

stars are you doubting my sister's word

Brandon you're touching me no I'm

telling you I too may tell him the joke

you told me you heard in Italy the one

your friend told you my friend oh you

mean the Pope

a friend home from school is it okay if

he stays for dinner

well sure Jamie you you know I always

like to meet your little friends little

friend hi I live

by allows a doe no um pee-wee Herman

mr. Alzado was on the DJ program with me

at school today

ah well welcome to our home I'm I'm Ted

Lawson Jamie's father hi whoa ah yeah

yeah nice grip Lyle oh uh who's the

little darlin Oh

oh this is our daughter Vicky Vicky this

is mr. Alzado hi Vicky

[Music]

oh what a grip I wonder if the Raiders

know about her yeah well I think she

just pinched your little pinky ring

there look at the size of that pinky Oh

Vicky listen Hagar would you go help

your mom in the kitchen please

Lyle Alzado Lyle it's really good to

meet you Lila

oh can I call you Lyle no okay Lyle you

I mean mr. Alzado you couldn't have come

at a better time would you mind doing me

a little favor

sure name it well I'm having a problem

with this person in my kitchen and I was

wondering if you'd mind helping me out

sure you mean like punch him out no no

no no no it's a it's a woman Oh break a

few ribs you see the problem is the

problem is this person claims to know

every famous star in the world and

what's worse she claims to be

responsible for their success well you

know the type yeah I hate that kind of

person well at any rate I'll lay you a

hundred to one that she says that she

knows you too right so if you could just

wait here until I call you out right so

there I was in Tibet with Shirley

MacLaine and I came around a mountain

and who should I run into but the Dalai

Lama and he said item a how nice to see

you and I said hello dolly

come on item a there must be somebody

famous you don't know no my sister goes

what's what with everybody in who's who

you know Barbra Streisand we were

roommates Robert Redford we dated

I suppose you know all the big got

sports figures too like oh say Lyle

Alzado skinny little Lyle Yeah right

item a skinny little come on he's

anything but skinny well now but when I

first met him 98-pound weaklings used to

kick sand in his face I was the one who

said Lyle pump iron then I advised him

to go into pro football he wanted to

take up ballet

well that's great that's just great item

a because there's somebody I want you to

meet who I think it'd be real interested

in hearing that story huh

Jamie would you bring in your little

friend please honey I'm about to put an

end to itemized bragging once and for

all watch it skinny oh wait wait wait a

minute here you you actually no no I to

me

if it wasn't for me I've been doing Swan

Lake in a tutu Ohio since you stopped

playing football you're all skin and

bones I'm going to have to put you on a

new fitness program you know it's so

good to see you I to me tell me have you

spoken to the Pope Thursday - I'm her

brother maybe you heard of me

Brandon crazy lady's brindell she really

does know everybody oh no now she'll

never stop bragging well honey let's

look on the bright side item a will be

gone in a week

watch it skinny you know I don't like to

be touched

[Applause]