02x01 - Take My Siblings Please/The Mindy 500/Morning Malaise

[bunniefuu]

[***]

ANNOUNCER:
And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"The Teapot."

I'm a little teapot
Short and stout

Here is my handle

And here is a note
From my shrink

He says I'm getting better

Last week I thought
I was a toaster oven

[LAUGHING]

Thank you.
[FINGERS SNAPPING]

ANNOUNCER:
This has been another visit
to Dot's Poetry Corner.

[***]

ALL:
* It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh
Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH:
* Come join
The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL:
* Just for fun we run around
The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower
Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose
And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* We've got wisecracks
By the stacks *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule
The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em
With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped
We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play
Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna
In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

*Here's the show's name-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[MAN YELLING]

[***]

NARRATOR:
And now a fairy tale
to delight and relax you.

Once upon a time,
in an enchanted meadow,

lived the Warner brothers
and their sister, Dot.

The Warners were a happy trio.

They loved to gleefully romp
about the meadow.

ALL:
* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

[ALL PANTING]

I don't know about you guys,
but I'm romped out.

Really?
I got at least another

nine or 10 good romps
left in me.

Me too.

Not me.

I'm gonna go pick flowers

in the forbidden meadow.

BOTH:
The forbidden meadow?

Need I remind you,
sister sibling,

that to get
to the forbidden meadow

you have to cross the bridge
where the--

[GULPS]
--troll lives.

[PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC]

All right, Wakko,
we got the point.

[CRASH, MAN SCREAMS]

[MAN GROANING]

Way to go.

That's the fourth assistant
director you've hit this week.

See ya. I'll be in the forbidden
meadow if you need me.

But what about the--

[GULPS]
--troll?

[PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC]

Enough!

He won't bother me.

BOTH:
* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Tall and dark
And really handsome *

* The hunk from Oopoomeema's
Real dumb *

* And when he strolls
Each one he strolls by goes *

[SPLUTTERING]

[HUMMING]

[BELCHES]

Goats give me such gas.

[DOT HUMMING]

Sounds like dessert.

[SCREAMS]

Blah, blah, blah!

Who does your hair,
sweetie?

Uh, I do.

Look at those split ends.

What kind of shampoo do you use?

Ground-up toad.

Oh, no, no, no.

Toad's for dry hair.

You should use
a nice pH-balanced henna.

Well, bye-bye.

[GROWLING]

Blah!
I'm gonna eat you.

Why do you wanna do that?

'Cause I'm a troll!

[PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC]

You don't wanna eat me.

I'm just
a little skinny thing.

I know. Eat my brothers.

They're way meatier than I am.

They should be coming over
the bridge any minute now.

Please?

Hm...

Okay,
I'll eat your brothers.

You can go.

Thank you.

Good luck with your hair!

NARRATOR:
Psst, Yakko, Wakko.

We're on.

BOTH:
* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Romp, romp, romp... *
[GROANS]

* Romp, romp-- *

Where are you going?

Ah, my bottom's all sore
from romping.

I'm gonna go pick flowers
with Dot.

Fine,
don't worry about me.

I'll find someone
to romp with.

[WHISTLES]

I love cartoons.

And...

ALL:
* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* We're tiny, we're toony *

* We're all a little... *

Ah, I'm sick of that song.

* It's time for Animaniacs
And-- *

[YELLS]

Blah, blah, blah!

What happened to your hair?

Wait a minute.

I know, you're a troll!

[PLAYING OMINOUS MUSIC]

Well,
somebody had to do it.

I'm gonna eat you. Blah!

You can't eat me, Mr. Troll.

I'm under contract.

Warner Bros. would be
very upset with you.

They'd sue your pants off.

Ow! Ooh.

Go on through.

Thank you.

Oh, anyway,
you should eat my brother.

He's way meatier than I am.

[ALL GROANING]

Come on, one more romp.

I'll even get in front
this time.

Well, it was nice
while it lasted.

[***]

Come on.

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

Blah! I'm gonna eat you!

* Romp, romp, romp, romp, romp
Hey! *

NARRATOR:
And so Yakko
joined his siblings

to pick flowers
in the forbidden meadow.

The end.

[***]

ALL:
Good night, everybody!

[***]

ANNOUNCER:
And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Roses are Red."

Roses are red, violets are blue

That's what they say
But it just isn't true

Roses are red
And apples are too

But violets are violet
Violets aren't blue

An orange is orange
But Greenland's not green

A pinky's not pink
So what does it mean?

To call something blue
When it's not, we defile it

But, ah, what the heck
It's hard to rhyme violet

ANNOUNCER:
This has been another visit
to Dot's Poetry Corner.

[***]

[IMITATING ENGINE]

MINDY:
Go, cart, go.

Everything okay out here,
honey?

Hi, lady.

Call me "Mom."

If you need me
I'll be inside

drafting a PTA resolution
against negligent mothers.

Okay, lady.
I love you, bye-bye.

She knows I'm "Mommy."
One day she'll call me that.

Buttons,
I want you to watch Mindy.

And don't dig any more holes
in my flower bed.

I've just planted mums.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

Well, that seems tight.

[GASPS]

Wanna drive clown car.

[GRUNTING]

Whee!

[LAUGHING]

[GASPS]

[BARKING]

[BARKING]

[SQUEALING]

[SCREAMS]

MINDY:
Whee!

Clown car!

[WHIMPERING]

Hi, Buttons,
doggy-head.

[GROANS]

[THUD]

[LAUGHING]

MINDY:
Clown car, clown car!

Clown car, clown car.

Clown car!

ANNOUNCER [OVER PA]:
Gentlemen, start your engines.

[ENGINES REVVING]

Clown car.

[SCREAMS]

Whee! Fun.

Whew.

[YELPS]

[SIGHS]

[HOWLING]

Funny puppy.

[SHEEP BLEATING]

MINDY:
Stop, clown car!

Stop, clown car!

Stop!

[SIREN WAILING]

[AIR HISSING]

[DRILL WHIRRING]

Hee-hee!
Silly Buttons.

MAN:
All clear!

Hi, Mr. Man.
What you doing?

Cleaning an oil filter.

Why?
'Cause it's dirty.

Why?

It's got oil all over it.

Why?

It's a car thing, kid.

Now, look out.
I gotta get to work.

Okay, I love you.
Bye-bye.

Clown car.

Does this gas station
give coupons?

Ha-ha. A jest,
grace under pressure.

Hemingway would love me.

I have to potty.

Clown car.

Change this tire.
It's a dog.

Oops, sorry.

[DRILL WHIRRING]

[GRUNTING]

[YELPS]

All clear!

MINDY:
Happy clown.

[***]

Hey!

MINDY:
Vroom! Vroom!

Buttons.

[YELPS]

Buttons.

[LAUGHING]

[WHIMPERING]

Doggy no see.

[***]

Whee!

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Dirty doggy.

[SPITTING]

Buttons, I told you
not to dig holes.

Bad dog, bad.

Look at this old piece of junk
you've dug up!

Bad, bad dog!

[***]

[***]

[PHONE RINGS]

HOWIE [OVER RADIO]:
Hello, you're
on The Howie Turn Show.

MAN:
Uh, yeah, Howie?

That's my name,
don't wear it out.

And turn down your radio,
you goofball.

And I'm a robin.
You're on the air.

Am I on the air?
Oh, all right.

I just wanted to say
that I think you guys are great

and I love your show.

Oh, really? Well, look,
call someone who cares!

[BELCHES]
[LAUGHING]

Ha-ha.
I love it when youse burp.

And, sir, I love it
when I hang up on you.

He was giving you
a compliment, Howie.

I'm the number one media
personality in the world, Robin.

Like I need compliments
from these people?

[BELCHES]
[RINGS]

Next caller.
You're on the air.

WOMAN:
Howie? I listen to you
and Robin every morning.

You're like my best friends.

Oh, that's so sweet,
thank you.

Hey, lady.
Here's some advice.

If we're your best friends,
then get a life!

Ha-ha-ha!
That's so great, Howie.

I love this job.

You're incorrigible, Howie.

Don't you ever get pangs
of conscience?

Hm. Truthfully...

No! Ha-ha-ha!

All right, very good.
Next loser, I mean caller.

You're on the air.
YAKKO: Hello?

Yeah, you're on the air.
What do you want already?

Uh, we don't think
you should be so nasty

to your callers.

Ooh,
you don't, don't you?

Uh-uh. Maybe you should try
to be a little nicer.

Ooh, be a little nicer?
Now, wait, wait.

Let me get this straight now.

You're telling me,
Howie Turn, what to do?

Well, why don't you come here
and say that, you loser!

Ha!
We're here.

[YELLS]

Who are you?

BOTH:
We're the Warner brothers.

And the Warner sister.

And you must be Howie Turn.

That's me,
you're lookin' at him.

Nice wig you got there.

Does Cher know
you're borrowing it?

[LAUGHS]

What are you snickering at?

It made me laugh.

She obviously
has good taste.

Would you mind telling me
what you are doing in my studio?

You told us
to come here.

They got you there, Howie.

Hey, Robin,
whose side are you on?

Ours I hope.

[BOTH SMOOCHING]

All right, enough.

I want you kids
out of here now!

You're messing up my show!

Hey, your show was messed up
way before we got here.

Ooh, very funny.
Who writes your material?

They do.

Look, why don't you just go
and bother Rush Limbaugh?

"We're afraid
he might eat us."

[LAUGHS]

Stop laughing at them.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Ooh, I like her.

Are you challenging me?

No.

All right,
you little paint smears.

Stick around.

I'll show you
why my show is number one.

All right, listen up,
America.

If you've just tuned in,
I've got three kids in here

that think they're funnier
than the great Howie Turn.

You know what I say to that?

[BELCHES]
That's not a burp.

Oh, no?
Nope.

[BELCHES]

[CRASHING]

That's a burp.

[LAUGHING]

What kind of fool
do you take me for?

Ooh, ooh!
I know, I know.

Let me answer,
okay? Come on.

Ooh, yeah, these kids think
they're really cute.

I can't help it
if I'm cute.

[SPITTING]

He's got gingivitis.

I am Howie Turn,
I'm a big star.

I'm a household name!

So is the Mr. Ty-D-Bol Man.
Are you related?

Well, that's pretty funny
coming from a kid

who looks like
a demented monkey.

BOTH:
Oh.

You know,
you could talk

your head off all day
and never miss it.

Oh, yeah?
Well, is that your face

or did you block a kick?

Too bad the closest
you'll ever come

to a brainstorm
is a light drizzle.

There's a train leaving
in a few minutes.

Why don't
you be under it?

You know,
you'd make a fortune

renting your head out
as a balloon.

Oh--? Oh, yeah?
Well, I-- I guess

you're one
of those mighty brains.

Mighty empty.

Last time
I saw a mouth that big

it had a fish hook in it.

You're
a little shorty...shorty!

Oh, yeah?

You couldn't
even count to 20

without taking off
your shoes.

You're
a little big-eared kid.

You've got a great face
for radio.

You're a--
You're a-a noony-head.

I know you are,
but what am I?

You're a--
A, uh...

Watch out!
Duck and cover, duck and cover.

A, uh, uh...

[YELLING]

[BABBLING]

Well, sibs, he's finally
starting to make sense.

Our job here is done.

But let this be a lesson to all,

for wherever there is belching--

DOT & WAKKO:
We'll be there.

Wherever there is stupidity--

DOT & WAKKO:
We'll be there.

Wherever there is candy--

We'll be there
a lot quicker!

[***]

[***]

ANNOUNCER:
And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"The Poem That I Wrote."

This is the poem that I wrote

These are the words

That are in the poem
That I wrote

This is the mouth
That's saying the words

That are in the poem
That I wrote

This is the person
Who has the mouth

That's saying the words that
Are in the poem that l wrote

This is the audience
That would do anything

To shut up the person

Who has the mouth
That's saying the words

That are in the poem
That I wrote.

This is the TV show
That tortures an audience

Until they would do anything

To shut up the person
Who has the...

ANNOUNCER:
This has been another visit
to Dot's Poetry Corner.

[***]

It's that time again.

To make Stove Top stuffing
instead of potatoes?

No. It's time to learn
the day's lesson.

And to find out
what it is,

we turn
to the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality,
turn, turn, turn.

Tell us the lesson
that we should learn.

Moral number two.

And the moral
of today's story is:

"Don't be a fool,
stay in school."

I'm speechless.

Pat, I'd like
to buy a vowel.

Wrong wheel.

Oh, sorry.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALL:
Yikes!

[***]

[***]

[APPLAUSE]

ANNOUNCER:
Hey, Warner brothers
and the Warner sister,

you've just completed
another great show.

What are you gonna do now?

We're going to...

the bathroom.