02x03 - We're No Pigeons/Whistle Stop Mindy/Katie Ka-Boom: The Broken Date

[bunniefuu]

[***]

ANNOUNCER:
Newsreel of the Stars.

Dateline: Hollywood, 1930.

The Warner Brothers Studio.

Here at the studio's
new Animation Department,

the artists toiled endlessly
to come up with cartoon stars,

ultimately creating
three new characters:

The Warner brothers

and their sister, Dot.

ALL:
Hello, Nurse.

Unfortunately, the Warner kids

were totally out of control.

ALL:
Boingy, boingy,
boingy, boingy.

The trio ran amok
throughout the studio...

until their capture.

The Warners' films,

which made absolutely no sense,

were locked away
in the studio vault,

never to be released.

As for the Warners themselves,

they were locked away
in the studio water tower,

also never to be released.

Publicly, the studio
has disavowed any knowledge

of the Warners' existence

to this very day,

when the Warners escaped.

[***]

[***]

ALL:
* It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh
Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH:
* Come join
The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL:
* Just for fun we run around
The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower
Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose
And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* We've got wisecracks
By the stacks *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule
The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em
With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped
We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play
Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna
In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Here's the show's name-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

ANNOUNCER:
It's Mime Time.

[***]

Today on Mime Time:

Swimming in an imaginary ocean.

The end.

MAN:
* When the birds
Hit the street *

* Looking for food to eat *

* That's Goodfeathers *
* That's Goodfeathers *

* When I'm cooin' at you
And you're cooin' at me *

* That's Goodfeathers *

* Take no guff
'Cause they're tough *

* Strut their stuff
No cream puffs *

* That's Goodfeathers *

[***]

[***]

SQUIT:
As far back as I can remember,
the city was dangerous,

especially at night.

Wise guys who've never even
seen the light of day

stalk the meanstreets.

[ALL GASP]

[ALL SCREAM]

At night,
everybody's on the prowl

for unsuspecting victims.

Like us pigeons.

[OWL SQUAWKS,
GOODFEATHERS SCREAM]

Ow! Oh! What is that, a rope?

We're gettin' hogtied.

My toe! Ratatouille!

Hoot! Heh-heh!

First time pigeon hunting

and I bag three
big, fat, juicy ones. Heh-heh!

Hey, you are pigeons,
aren't you?

I hate to admit it,
but I, uh, never saw one before.

Pigeons?
What pigeons?

Are you a pigeon?
What? Who, me?

No.
You a pigeon?

Last time I looked. Ooh!

We're no pigeons.

No? Well,
what are you?

We're, uh, macaroni birds.

Yeah, that's what we are.

Well, you, uh,
macaroni birds

know what a pigeon
looks like?

Yeah, sure.
Forget about it.

Pigeons dipsy-doodle around
on pointy toes.

They got, uh,
stubby molars.

Some got antlers
up top. Bip, bip, bip.

You can't miss 'em.
Oh, yeah.

Hey, thanks for setting me
straight, macaroni birds.

See you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Bada-bing, we fooled
that fledgling,

you know what I'm saying?
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Heh!

I don't know,
Goodfeathers.

It doesn't seem right lying
to an egg-fresh owl.

Sometimes you gotta
act fraudulent

to survive, Squit.

Lies'll get you
in the end.

Oh. Whatever you say,
Pinocchio.

[WHISTLES]
Hey, yo! I got one. I got one.

[LAUGHING]

That's a skunk.
It is?

Yeah, you can always
ID a skunk

by his bushy body
and white stripes.

And it has two glands
near the inferior extremity

of the alimentary canal
which secretes

an extremely offensive-smelling
fluid.

Ah, Squit,
Squit.

Don't do that, Squit.
Hey, uh...

Oh, Squit.

[***]

P-yew,
that's cheesy.

Phew!

Toe jam fettuccine.

We will be stenchified
for 32 weeks.

Awww.
I thought that was a pigeon.

Hey, you sure
you ain't pigeons?

I'm telling ya,
we're macaroni birds.

Look, you see a crusty animal
with a dangly neck thing

hanging down like one of them
c*ck-a-doodlers,

and maybe a dorsal fin coming
outta the side of his head?

Ba-da-boom, that's a pigeon.

Go on, get one.

You can't miss 'em.

[LAUGHTER]

That's some gullible
baby birdette.

[CHUCKLING]
PIPSQUEAK: Hey, macaroni birds.

Oh, no.
Hey, I got one.

Got crusty skin
and everything.

That's no pigeon.

That's a sewer gator.
It is?

Put it back.
Stuff it in the hole.

BOTH:
Put it back.

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTS]

Awww,
I messed up again.

Hey, you swear
you're not pigeons?

I swear
on my mama's lasagna.

Listen, owl,
for the last time,

pigeons are, uh,
big, real big.

They got whiskers
thick as my head

pokin' out of their skulls.

They got noses all over,

and their torsos
are bloated out with appendages.

Ohhh.

I think
I seen one of them.

You did?
Yeah.

Hey, thanks,
macaroni birds.

[LAUGHING]

How dumb
can you get?

[***]

[ALL GRUNT]

Okay, this time I got one.
[PIGEONS GRUNTING]

Found him hanging
around the zoo.

Ungh!

[TRUMPETING]

Man, oh, man. He pulled in
a pachyderm over here.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Come on out of the pigeon,
macaroni birds,

and we'll eat him.

BOBBY:
This ain't no pigeon.

SQUIT:
It's an elephant.

It is?
PESTO: Yeah, yeah.

Only elephants
got vacuum-cleaner schnozes.

[SNEEZES]

Aw, gee, I keep messing up.
Okay, tell me again:

What's a pigeon look like,
huh? Come on, tell me.

No matter what,
I'll get one.

That's it. I give up.

Hey, I'm a pigeon.

You? No,
you're a macaroni bird.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.

You want the truth?
I'm a pigeon.

Yeah, yeah.
We're all pigeons.

We tried to fool ya.
Sorry, kid.

We Goodfeathers are usually
on the up-and-up.

Goodfeathers?
You are Goodfeathers?

Yeah,
we're Goodfeathers.

Hoot! Hey, we're not allowed
to hunt Goodfeathers

on account of all the owls
in the city

made a deal with the Godpigeon.
See ya.

[CHUCKLES]

Bada-bing, what do you know
about that?

[GIGGLES]
We're a protected species.

I knew you'd come clean,
Pesto,

'cause
you are honorable.

What you mean by that?
I said, you're honorable.

I am honorable?
What are you saying?

I'm some tubby
Supreme Court justice

here to peruse
your legal briefs?

Is that what you're saying?
No, I'm not saying that.

You're saying
that I am honorable.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm
saying.

That's it.
Here comes the judge!

I'll give you honorable
with a gavel upside the head.

Take that and that.
I got your legal brief.

Hey, yo,
what is this?

Hey, coo it, owl.
You can't hunt us.

We're Goodfeathers.

Hey, you lied about being
macaroni birds.

You're probably lying about
being Goodfeathers too.

PESTO:
Ow, ouch, that hurts.
My brains are bouncing.

BOBBY:
Oh, man, oh, man.
I'm getting skinned over here.

SQUIT:
I told you lies would get us
in the end. Ow!

[***]

ANNOUNCER:
It's Mime Time.

[***]

Today on Mime Time:

Walking an imaginary dog.

[***]

[BARKING, GROWLING]

The end.

[***]

MINDY:
Buttons!

Oh, Buttons.

[CRASH]

[GIGGLES]

Silly puppy.

[***]

[***]

[SNORING]

MOTHER:
Now, Mindy,
I want you to stay right here,

and play with your choo-choo
whistle.

Mommy has a bad headache
from hearing it.

[WHISTLE BLOWS, MOTHER YELPS]

No, Mindy,

darling.

Now, Buttons...
Hmm?

...don't you let Mindy get
her nice, clean clothes dirty.

And, Mindy,
keep your hands clean.

Okay, lady.

Not lady. Mom.

Okay, lady,
I love you. Bye-bye.

MOTHER:
This is a test.

This is only a test.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Choo-choo,
Mindy train.

Wheee!

[SNORING]

[LAUGHING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHIMPERS]

[SQUEALS]

[WHIMPERING]

[LAUGHS]

Buttons jump high.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Oooooh.

Big whistle.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Big whistle.

Wheeeee!

Bye-bye, Buttons.

[GRUNTS]

Funny Buttons.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[WHIMPERING]

Ooh, shiny.

[BUTTONS YELPING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Whistle.

Dirty hands.

[***]

[WHIMPERING]

Hands dirty.

Here, honey,
let me help.

Water.

Water.

[SCREAMS]

A water rat.

[BUTTONS HOWLS]

Hi, Mr. Man,
what you doing?

Getting ready
to let all the passengers off.

Why?
We're coming into the station.

Why?
So the engine can turn around.

Why?
For the return trip.

Now skedaddle.

Okay, I love you.
Bye-bye.

[***]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

[EXHALES]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

[YELPS]

Woo-weeeee!

[WHIMPERING]

Wooooo.

Tick-tocks.

[GIGGLES]

CONDUCTOR:
All aboard.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]
Big whistle.

[GASPS]

MINDY:
Wheeeee!

[WHINING HAPPILY]

MOTHER:
Buttons, what did I tell you?

Just look
at Mindy's clothes.

No biscuit for you,
Mr. Irresponsible.

[COOING HAPPILY]

[YELPING]

[LAUGHS]

Silly Buttons.

ANNOUNCER:
It's Mime Time.

[***]

Today on Mime Time:

Driving an imaginary car.

The end.

[PHONE RINGING]

* She's Katie Ka-Boom *

* Katie Ka-Boom *

* She lives in a house
With a garden in bloom *

* Her family knows
That anytime soon *

* Their little lady Katie
Goes ka-boom *

[***]

MOM:
Katie.

Katie, darling.

Vrooom.

I'm right here,
Mother.

What time will Jared
be picking you up for your date?

Seven o'clock,
and it's not a date.

We're just seeing a movie
and having pizza after.

My mistake.
Vroom, vroom.

[***]

I trust you'll be home
at a-a proper hour, princess?

Pfff.

Okay, Daddy.
I won't be late.

[TICKING]

[GASPS]

Argh, he's late.

I've been stood up.

Oh, sound the alert!
Sound the alert!

Man the battle stations!

[BLARING]

[BEEPING]

I've been stood up.

I've been stood up.

I've been stood up!

Vroom-- Oh!

[ROARS]

Mommy.

Calm down, Katie.

You're overreacting.

[GHASTLY VOICE]
I am not overreacting, Mom.

I'm a teenager.

Listen to your mother, Katie.
She loves you.

You always take her side.

[GASPS]

It's hormonal.
She can't help it.

[KATIE ROARS]

Leave my hormones out of this.

[ROARS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Katie.
Sorry I'm late.

Late?
I hardly noticed.

* Her family knows *

* That anytime soon *

It's only
a teenage phase.

It'll pass.
Someday.

* Their little lady Katie *

* Goes ka-boom *

[***]

ANNOUNCER:
It's Mime Time.

[***]

Today on Mime Time:

Pitching in an imaginary
baseball game.

The end.

[***]

Gee, Yakko,
I'm confused.

What else is new?

No, I mean
about today's show.

What was the moral of the story?

Good question,
Wakko.

And to learn the answer,
let's consult

the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality,
turn, turn, turn.

Tell us the lesson
that we should learn.

Moral number two.

And the moral
of today's story is:

Don't spit in public.

Of course, it all makes
perfect sense now.

Thanks for clearing
that up.

My pleasure.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[ALL YELP]

[***]

[***]

[SNIFFS]

Did somebody step in something?

ALL:
Ewww.