04x06 - Private Eyes

[bunniefuu]

I can't tell, but I've been seen with
Farrah.

I've never been with anything less than a
man.

So fine.

I've been on fire with Sally Field.

Gone fast with a girl named Bo.

But somehow they just don't end up as
mine.

It's a death defying life I lead.

I take my chances.

I die for living in the movies and TV.

But the hardest thing I ever do is meeting
ladies.

Kiss some of the guy while I'm bandaging
my knee.

They'd

rep for such a star.

I've

never spent much time in school,
but I've taught ladies plenty.

It's true, I hire my body out for pay.

Hey, hey.

I've gotten burned over Cheryl Teague's
blowin' up for Rocky Welch.

But when I wind up in the hay,
it's only me.

Hey, hey.

Hey, hey.

I might jump an open drawbridge or Tarzan
from a vine.

Cause I'm the unknown stuntman that makes
Eastwood look so fine.

This is ridiculous.

I'm calling my agent.

Farrah, you're gonna have to...

You're gonna have the audience jumping
right out of their seat.

Oh, they'll be jumping all right.

Right out of the exits.

Face it, this movie is a total
embarrassment.

And believe me, honey, I do not embarrass
easily.

That's what I love about you, baby.

You're such a great little kidder.

I am not kidding, Jason.

Either you do something about this script
or I am out of here.

Now, where's the telephone?

Must have 80 pounds of asbestos under that
coat.

Phenomenal, Colt.

Hot stuff.

You made a perfect monster.

Just trying to be myself.

No, you really have me scared.

I wish I could say the same thing for our
leading lady.

She's been bad rapping this picture ever
since she came on the set this morning.

Preston, dear, don't worry about the
money.

The bank and the IRS
are fighting over which one

of them is going to take
our house away from us.

I'd say that that's cause for some alarm.

Well, I... I had intended to keep this
secret.

It's a surprise until tomorrow,
but... Keep what a surprise?

Happy birthday, dear.

Fifteen thousand dollars?

That's only the down payment.

We get sixty thousand in all.

Katherine, what is this all about?

A motion picture studio has rented our
house.

They're going to make a movie here.

Are you mad?

What?

Inviting people to this house?

Well, it'll only be for five days.

Oh, dear, and we do need the money so
badly.

I thought...

You thought you could let an
army of movie people march in

and out of here without letting
our secret be discovered?

They won't find out.

Katherine, if any intruder set foot in
this house, blood will flow once more.

I thought you said this was a horror
classic.

Gag me with a point of thick.

Harvey, you are supposed to be helping my
career, not sabotaging it.

Yeah, well, who had time to read the
script?

I mean, all I do is hiss and drool for 120
pages.

Now, listen, sweetheart.

I knock bad movies.

I do not star in them.

Look, I don't care what the contract says.

You have got to get me out of it.

Listen, Harvey, maybe I was reacting just
a bit hastily.

Let me get right back to you.

Uh-huh.

Bye.

Who is the hunk hiding under all that
asbestos?

Colt Shaver.

The best stuntman in the business.

He holds the record for a high fall.

Don't just stand there and introduce me.

Uh, Colt, I thought you would like to meet
our leading lady.

Colt Shavers, this is Elvira.

Big as life.

A real pleasure.

Oh, no, the pleasure is all mine.

You will forgive me.

Normally, I meet a man before I barbecue
him.

Yeah, well, here I am.

Well done.

I will see.

Mr. Clammer, there is a lady on the phone.

She says there is a problem with the
company filming at her house.

Terrific.

Well, uh, Miss Elvira, I would like you to
meet my associates.

Jody Banks and, uh, Hallie Munson.

Hi.

Uh, Jody is going to be doubling you
tomorrow in stunts.

Oh, gee, that doesn't give you much time
to work on your figure.

What is that supposed to mean?

Uh, Jody, maybe we had better go over the
next stunt.

No, Colt.

You and I have a lot in common.

Uh, just being in this movie means we both
must like to live dangerously.

I mean, you could get k*lled in the fall.

I could get k*lled by the reviews.

Well, at least you know he won't die of
boredom.

Not as long as you're around.

You won't see me complaining.

I could use a little vacation.

Unfortunately, it will be a permanent one.

You're firing me?

I prefer to think of it as an act of
mercy.

Look at you.

You have the soul of a poet...
and the mind of a genius.

And you're nothing but a caretaker.

You're completely insane.

Exactly.

And with a little diligence...
the same could be true for you.

Finding a new location at this late date
is out of the question.

The house is in your name.

We have your signature on the agreement.

I'm afraid there's nothing more to
discuss.

Mr. Clemmons... if you come
here against my husband's wishes...

I won't be responsible for any
consequences.

Mr.

Clemmons... you can take your trucks and
your people... and turn them right around.

Why don't we just step inside and talk
about it?

Don't come any closer.

Couldn't ask for a better place to sh**t a
horror movie, could you?

I don't know.

I don't like the idea of spending
Halloween in a place like this.

Would be the ghosts, would it?

This place is supposed to be haunted.

Sensational.

I could use a good scare.

What time's Colt supposed to get here?

Well, he said he'd leave right after he
finished that second unit stunt...

so he ought to be able to make it before


Mr. Dover... your wife has given me full
legal authorization to sh**t in your home.

Now, if we have to start looking for a new
location at this late date...

it's gonna cost us hundreds and thousands
of dollars.

And you can be sure the studio will sue
you for every penny of the loss.

Is that not correct?

Call it what you like.

The last thing you want to do is strong
-arm the guy.

What this calls for is a little good old
-fashioned diplomacy.

How do I get involved?

Take your money, Kramer, and go.

Wait a minute.

Howie Munson, Mr. Dover.

I'm glad to meet you.

Look, I know exactly what you're thinking.

You're thinking that a herd of buffaloes is
gonna stampede through your living room.

..

and they're gonna destroy everything in
their path, right?

Get this man away from me.

Well, nothing could be further from the
truth.

The fact is that we hire people
whose only job is to make

sure that everything is
left just the way we find it.

Stop.

Your antiques are gonna be better than
new.

May the hounds of hell drive you to doom.

Don't worry about your pets, Mr. Doville.

May the demons of purgatory pluck out your
eyes.

Now, now, now, wait a minute.

You can't talk to me like that.

May you, uh... may... uh...

May you turn into a goblin on All Hallows'
Eve.

Oh!

You are cursed forever!

You shouldn't have cursed him so horribly.

What, you want to talk horribly?

What about the things he has in store for
me?

Yes, I'll... I'll try my best to make him
revoke the curse.

Don't bother.

I don't believe in any of this nonsense.

Oh, you poor, poor dear and so young.

But, Mrs. Doville, uh, tell him that if
he'll revoke, so will I.

Very well, I'll try my best.

It's a good thing looks can't k*ll.

Well, I do.

Gee.

Murray, keep your hands off me.

All of them.

Just a little joke.

Yeah, where'd you get your sense of humor?

A funeral parlor?

The, uh, butler will show you the rooms.

This way, please.

That's not a butler.

That's a brick wall with tails.

Hey, what's up there?

The stairs lead to the East Wing.

I'd like to see that.

Nobody's permitted into the East Wing.

Nobody.

Yes, sir?

Hey, whatever you say is okay by me?

You made it.

Uh, just barely.

There's a road washed out behind me.

Really?

Hey, if you want to take a shower,
it's in there.

Huh, no thanks.

I just had one.

You got tomorrow's call sheet?

Right there on the dresser.

Ah, 6 a.m.

call.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Just the actor I'm doubling for the next
five days is Anthony Marcus.

What's so bad about that?

He thinks it's Douglas Fairbanks.

He's convinced he doesn't need a stuntman.

Yeah, one of those.

Yeah, he wrote the book.

Well, look at it this way.

Just that much less sweat for you.

Yeah, and a lot less money.

When Jason told me I
would be bunking with a

stuntperson, I thought
he was talking about Colt.

Well, sorry to disappoint you.

Look, darling, why don't you just do the
decent thing and switch rooms with him?

If that's the decent thing, what do you
call what you have in mind?

Uh, I think there's a French word for it.

Um, aren't you going to put on a
nightgown?

This is my nightgown.

Yeah?

Yes.

Who knows?

Maybe I'll get lucky
and Colt will call Mommy

for a glass of water in
the middle of the night.

He's such a little boy at heart.

Huh.

What's that you're reading?

Curses, Spells, and Hexes.

I found it on the shelf.

Oh, that's good thinking.

Now you can find out what's going to
happen to you now that you're cursed.

Yeah, that's not funny.

Come on, kid, you don't believe all this
stuff, do you?

It says right here that a goblin is an
evil spirit that takes on a life-worth.

After it's dead.

Oh, no, no, please.

I pressed him off on that insomnia,
especially when he was upset.

Was he upset last night?

Yes, and it's all my fault.

I was the one who
gave those movie people

permission to come
here, and he was furious.

You're sure there was no foul play?

Well, those stairs were always a hazard,
though.

This was a horrible, horrible accident.

Oh, that poor lady.

This is a heck of a time for her to be
surrounded by strangers.

I wish we could just all go and leave her
in peace.

You don't think that curse of mine could
have been responsible, do you?

Nah, nah, of course not.

If I need anything else, I'll give you a
call.

I'm really sorry about this.

If there's anything I can do...

Oh, there is one thing you could do.

Could you please tell the coroner that I'm
obliged to honor my husband's long

-standing wish of immediate burial in case
of death?

I'll take care of it.

Thank you.

Mrs.

Deauville, my deepest condolences.

Thank you.

I do hope you'll understand we have to
press on with our business.

Of course.

I'll try not to trouble you with
trivialities.

But I do have to tell you that we'll be
moving some things in the basement tomorrow.

My husband never allowed anyone into the
basement.

We store very fragile antiques there.

I promise we'll be very careful.

Oh, and by the way, if it seems like we're
busting up the furniture in the windows,

they're only breakaway replicas we've had
made.

Drop it a quarter inch.

You got it.

Colt Seavers, you son of a g*n.

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm stunt coordinator on the film.

I'm, uh, doubling you.

Me?

Oh, you must be in the final stunt.

I mean, all the way through the picture.

Well, that's absurd.

Unless you have a
different script than I do,

there's nothing here
I can't handle myself.

Well, I'd take that up with the director.

Yeah.

Oh, you must be my leading man.

Anthony Marcus, at your service.

You lucky lady.

I know.

Stick around.

I want you to double him in the love
scenes, too.

That was my husband's favorite mirror.

I'm really sorry.

I'll pay for it.

Yes.

I fear that you will.

Yeah,

well, it'd been a
lot better if I'd hit a

breakaway candelabra
instead of the real one.

What are you talking about?

It can't be the real one.

We switched it for the stunt.

Somebody must have switched him back at
the last minute.

Right under our noses?

That can't be possible.

All right, first team.

Unless Colt really was wrestling with a
phantom.

That wasn't bad, Colt, but you really
ought to save yourself for the rough stuff.

I could have walked through that stunt
with one hand tied behind my back.

Maybe I should have tried it that way.

Jody, have you seen my knee pads?

Yeah, they're downstairs.

Do you want me to go get them?

Yeah.

Jody, be careful.

Howie, do you know what night tonight is?

Yeah, it's October 31st.

All Hallows' Eve.

Exactly.

It's Halloween.

We're in a haunted house.

The owner just died
mysteriously, and Colt just

got hurt because candelabras
were walking around.

Yeah.

Don't make things any worse.

Oh, how are you feeling?

Oh, it was a lovely ceremony.

We laid him to rest in the family plot
just beyond the gate.

At least he'll always be close by.

Well, I'm glad.

What's she doing here?

You must get out of here.

Cut!

This is Dovah.

What's the matter?

I just saw him.

Saw who?

Preston.

My husband.

I still feel like it's Dovah.

I can see why you're
upset, but why don't you

let us set you up with
a nice room in town?

Don't patronize me.

I know I buried my husband.

I also know that I just now saw him on the
balcony.

He must have come back because he blames
all of you for his death.

Now, if you stay, I am afraid for your
lives.

Please.

Please.

Arms.

Grab me.

I don't know how to say this.

I'm afraid of that.

What?

I saw who those arms belonged to.

It was Preston Dovah.

There must be a
logical explanation for

everything that's been
going on in this house.

Yeah, of course there is.

But I'm trying to figure out how Jody saw
Dovah.

Or thought she did.

I mean, it's one thing to have an open
mind about paranormal phenomena,

and it's another thing altogether to be
seeing ghosts around every corner.

I heard something at the door.

I don't hear anything.

You're standing here.

The thing's cold.

Trick or treat.

I forgot I was Halloween.

I'll get some candy.

Hurry.

A little wet, huh, kid?

Yeah.

Cut!

Drink!

Hey, not bad, kid.

With a little magnification on the lens,
no one will even know it wasn't me.

You were wonderful.

Oh, thanks.

I knew you'd fall for me sooner or later.

I could have done that.

You know what I like about you,
Tony?

There's not an honest bone in your body.

You don't find that every day.

Who's the most drop-dead gorgeous one of
all?

Oh, why, thank you.

You're not so bad yourself.

Look out, Colt Seavers.

Elvira is on the prowl.

Sorry, I'll get some more in the morning.

Elvira?

It was Preston Deauville.

I saw him again.

Who?

I'm not crazy.

It was Preston Deauville.

I saw him.

He was squeezing my hand with all his
might.

That's not possible.

He's dead.

It was Preston Deauville.

I'm telling you, he's alive.

.

I swear, Mrs. Deauville, it was your
husband.

You don't have to convince me,
young lady.

I told all of you that I saw his ghost
myself.

Preston considered his home sacred,
don't you see?

He has come back to drive you all out.

Mrs. Deauville, did you actually see the
body of your husband before the burial?

Well, no.

The funeral home sent his body over in the
casket.

I'd like to make sure that you see...

Look, what Gorgeous here is trying to say
is what's on all our minds.

We just want to make sure your late
husband is still late.

Get it?

Well, I guess if that's the only way
you're going to be convinced, I...

When would you want to do it?

Within the next hour.

Picking up graves by
the light of the moon in

the middle of a rainstorm
on Halloween night?

A man after my own heart.

Must it be so soon?

I took the liberty of contacting the local
coroner.

Now, he only has jurisdiction over the
body for 24 hours.

If we wait past midnight, it becomes a
state matter.

Then it could take days and lots of red
tape.

Poor Preston.

Poor Preston?

Come on, honey, at least he's all nice and
dry down there.

He'll probably get soaked.

I don't

believe that we're doing this.

You're not getting cold feet, are you?

You could chance I have pain with him.

Nonsense.

We're all acting like a bunch of sissies.

Unless I miss my bet, we're about to open
a very empty coffin.

Yeah, well, a century ago, they sent men
to the gallows for robbing graves.

There's even an old
story that he who disturbs

the rest of the dead
never finds peace again.

Keep jabbering, Howie, and you're gonna
wake up every corpse in this graveyard.

You can open it up now, Doctor.

Go ahead.

You're the coroner.

So what?

I've never done anything like this before.

You think we have?

Go ahead, kid.

Must

have been wrong.

It certainly couldn't have been him.

No, we were not wrong.

Well,

Jody, you can see for yourself.

He's dead.

Stop being a tabby.

I want to make sure it doesn't happen
again.

What do you suggest we do, Colt?

Burn incense?

Enchant prayers?

I suggest we go back to our rooms and lock
our doors.

Don't open it for anyone unless you know
it's one of the rest of us.

Yeah.

Uh, listen, Colt.

It might be a good idea if you and Jody
switched rooms.

I mean, that way, each one of us has a
big, strong man to protect us.

What about me?

Sorry, Tony.

You'll just have to fend for yourself.

I mean, there's just not enough big,
strong men to go around.

Let's go.

We can bury him in the morning and stop
training.

Oh, I never met a ghost yet who wasn't a
lingerie freak.

You didn't do all this?

Well, I look like a slob.

Look, Colt, we both
know that this whole

ghost schtick was just
a ploy to get me alone.

Finally, I believe in the supernatural.

Oh.

Well, which will you have, the couch or
the bed?

Whichever you choose, gorgeous.

You romantic devil, you.

I just thought I'd make you feel a little
safer.

I say it's for me.

Did you hear that?

Maybe we'd better check that out.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Colt said to stay put.

You're not afraid of a little noise,
are you?

No, I'm not afraid of a little noise.

What's making the noise that's got me
worried.

I've got this eerie feeling I've seen all
this before.

Like in every film Lon Chaney Jr. has ever
made.

Ah, you can do it.

I

wonder what it would take to scare you.

Hmm, I don't know.

Losing your phone number might do it.

You know, the whole east wing was off
limits.

I wonder why.

We better check the basement.

The basement?

Well, the sound was coming from below.

We're on the bottom floor.

There's nowhere else it could have come
from.

That

organ music's creepy.

Especially when no one's playing the
organ.

Somebody lives here.

Somebody lives here.

It's kept away from the outside world.

But who?

Perhaps a very ugly chambermaid.

It's obvious it's somebody that the
Deauvilles didn't want us to meet.

Hey, what you got there?

Some kind of scrapbook.

I think we just found our ghost.

Looks like Preston Deauville has an
identical twin brother, Andrew.

Now the only question is, which one did we
dig up and which brother's still alive?

Wait here.

Where are you going?

Just wait here.

Ow.

Boy,

this thing's been moved.

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Ah!

Oh, it was the most horrible thing I've
ever felt.

It was like that skeleton was trying to
embrace me.

Oh, be grateful, honey.

I've had some like that still breathing.

You didn't see or hear anything
downstairs?

Eh, there was somebody in that basement
already.

I was following what sounded like
footsteps when Jody screamed.

He probably got away in the commotion.

It's our job to lure him back to the third
dimension.

Round up everybody.

Tell them he's in the living room
downstairs in ten minutes.

Okay.

Hey, come on.

Uh, Colt, do you mind telling me how you
intend to trap a ghost?

Elvira, you and I will have to have a
little talk.

Oh, you romantic devil, you.

When Preston and I moved
into this house, we heard stories

about awful things which
are said to have occurred here.

Of course, we took it all with a grain of
salt.

So you have no idea who that skeleton down
there is?

No, Mr. Manson.

As far as I know, he could have been
anybody.

Well, it's not a he.

It's a she.

I can tell by the structure of the pelvic
bone.

And not a he.

It's a young woman at that.

What's the point of getting everybody down
here, Colt?

It's going to be light in an hour and
nobody here has had any sleep.

Don't ask me.

It was Elvira's idea.

Mrs. Deauville, you said that
you and your husband had an

agreement that you would try
to bring him back from the dead.

What are you getting at?

I'd like to do that right here,
right now.

A séance?

Ridiculous, isn't it?

Well, it's the only way we'll ever get the
answers to our questions.

Any more of where this came from?

Yes, there's some more in the pantry.

Colt, don't you think you've had enough?

If I've had enough, how come I'm still
thirsty?

Mr. Seavers?

Mr. Seavers?

Mr. Colt, Seavers seems to have had too
much to drink.

I was unable to wake him.

Why don't you take his chair, James?

Are you sure you know how to do this?

Eh, nothing to it.

I know the séance scene from
Return of the... Whaling Dead by Heart.

Everyone, place your hands upon the table.

Watch it, honey.

That's a $40 manicure.

Now clear your minds of everything.

Even sex.

We call upon the restless spirits from the
world beyond.

We beckon to those on the other side to
narrow the breach...

so that our loved one might cross the
bridge...

the boundary which separates him from us.

We ask that the Prince of Darkness unfurl
his grasp...

that the forces of evil grant a safe
passage...

that you may grace our presence,
if only in spirit.

Preston Deauville, we summon
you from your grave... into our midst.

Preston?

Are you there?

If you are here, give us a sign.

A sign, Preston?

Is that you, Preston?

No!

I don't understand.

If it's not you, Preston...

who are you?

You know who I am.

Who's Andrew?

Andrew?

I don't know.

I don't know.

What's he talking about?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Tell them how my mother died.

It's not true.

It's not true.

How he failed.

He fell down the shoulder.

Preston made me.

He got the idea of k*lling you.

So everyone believed Preston died.

So we could collect the insurance money
and save the harbors.

I didn't mean to do this.

I'll send you back to the grave.

I k*lled you once and I will do it again.

Oh, go back to the grave.

You better head back with me, Mr. Dupin.

Never.

Colton, I can understand
how finding that old

newspaper article put
you on to the twin brother.

But how did you know that
it was the twin that came

back and k*lled Preston and
not the other way around?

Well, one of the things they
mentioned in that article was

that the brothers were identical
in every way except one.

Preston was a southpaw and his brother was
right-handed.

So what does that tell you?

Well, when I noticed the bruising on your
hand from where he had gripped it,

his left hand left a much larger bruise on
the right.

Hey, that's pretty nifty.

You might say that Dovio made a grave
error.

Oh, quiet.

I'm on it.

And now, the mistress
of the dark, the queen of

evil, Satan's best girl,
the one and only Elvira.

Hello, darling.

I guess you didn't have anything to do on
a Saturday night either.

Well, don't despair when you see the
performances in tonight's feature.

You'll realize that there are those even
less fortunate than you.

Ah!

Great glamour.

Yeah, nice.

I

like you better in person.

Just shut up and watch, okay?

Before I inflict these movies upon you,
I want to dedicate it to some very special

people who made my upcoming movie,
the clip of which you just saw.

A real pleasure to work on, believe me.

Now, I'd like to pay tribute to the folks
who take more abuse than anyone.

These people do the
real dirty work behind the

scenes and rarely get
to share in the spotlight.

Oh, Elvira, you didn't have to do this.

That's right, ladies and germs.

I'm talking about the unsung hero of show
business, the personal agent.