09x14 - Tiegs for Two

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in
movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Peter, I need you
to pick up
the dry cleaning.

Here's the ticket.
It's the Chinese
one over on Elm.

All right.
Well, I need my other
white shirt back anyway.

This one's getting
kind of smelly.

And if I wore another
color, I think it would
just throw people.

You only have two white shirts?

Well, I had a third one,
but it got ruined
at that wine tasting

at Michael J. Fox's house.

Hi. I'm Peter Griffin.

Now, we were going to show you
the actual scene,

but it would just
make us all sad.

So, I'm just gonna
tell you what happened.

See, he has this disease,
and it makes him shake a lot,

and what with all the shaking,
he spilled his wine
all over my shirt,

and my shirt was ruined.

So, that's what that was.

I mean, he was
very nice about it.

He said, "Send me the bill."

I mean, that's not
how he said it, but...

You know, we got there.

Anyway, I sent him the bill,
and he sent me this check,

but it's...

I don't think I'm
gonna be able to cash this.

Um... I don't... You'd think
Tracy Pollan would be

in charge of the checkbook,
you know?

'Cause I mean, what else
is she doing right now?

I don't think
he's got the leverage

to Rita Wilson her
around town anymore.

I mean, that's...

That's where it's gotten.

So... Anyway,
that's what
happened to my shirt.

I'm glad we took
the high road on this one.

What's that?

Oh, wait, now they're telling
me they do want to show it.

I really like the finish
on this Shiraz...

Son of a b*tch!
What is your problem?

Ah, damn! Which one's
the Chinese one?

That's probably it.

[SENSOR MAKES
BING-BONG SOUND]

[BING-BONG]

[BING-BONG]

[BING-BONG]

[RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING]

You stop make bing-bong!
Every bing-bong two cent!

What you want?

Yeah. I'm here to
pick up my cleaning.

Cool, look at that!

This seems like
it'd be a great
place to work.

But I...
I didn't go
to college.

That $20.

Hey, I think you
forgot my shirt.

There no shirt.

No, I know you
have my white shirt.

Can you check again?

No need check.
I no have your shirt.

Listen here, Washee-Washee,
you do have my shirt.

I no have your shirt.

You yes have my shirt!

You get out my store!
You get me shirt!

You go or
I call police!
You no dare
call police!

Oh, you want
to play game, fatso?
You big, big...



Fine! I go.
But this no over.

I take picture of Ang Lee.

Good! He do too many
white people movie anyway!

[BING-BONG]

[RAPID BING-BONGS OVERLAPPING]

You no come back, ever!

I no like you American!
And all you
American look alike!

Oh, we all look alike, do we?
Well, look who's talking!

What do you mean
we can't go
there anymore?

Who gives a crap?
We'll get a new cleaners.

They're all the same.

They are not all the same!

Peter, I have been going
to Mr. Washee-Washee
for 10 years,

and I am not finding
another dry cleaner.

He knows the way
I like my clothes,
and he's very skilled.

Now, we are gonna
invite him over for

dinner, and you are
going to apologize.

All right,
but I don't want him
scoping out our house

looking for other
things to steal.

So when he gets here,
I'm gonna blindfold him

with this dental floss.

[LAUGHING] Racial slur.

Peter, isn't there something
you'd like to say to Mr.
Washee-Washee?

[GRUMBLES] No...

Peter.

Fine! Mr. Washee-Washee,
I am sorry I was
rude at your store.

It's okay.
I accept your
bad apology.

Good. Now give me
back my shirt!
Peter!

I no have
your shirt!
You yes have my shirt!

Enough! You all banned
from my store! Bing-bong!

Great, Peter. Nice going.
This dinner was a disaster.

Eh. Clash of the Titans'
owl was worse.

So, you're from Greece?
I've always wanted

to go there.
What's it like?

[WHIRRING]

[MECHANICAL HOOTING]

I can't...
I can't understand
a word he's saying.

Yeah, I told you, Lois,
only Harry Hamlin can.

If you're gonna invite
the owl, you gotta
invite Harry Hamlin.

I will not have Harry
Hamlin in this house.


this is it, Chris.

The Mr. Sulu Show!

[TO STAR TREK THEME MUSIC]
♪ Sulu, he star of the show

♪ Other guys just
along for the ride ♪

He's got my shirt
in there, I can feel it.

All right, I'm going inside.

I knew it!

MR. WASHEE-WASHEE:
Drop it, or I blow
you head off!

Listen, Washee-Washee,
that's my shirt,

and I ain't
leaving here
without it.

That no
your shirt!
Oh, yeah?

Okay, it's not my shirt.

You break in my house,
I can k*ll you legally.

Fine, sh**t me!
But you're gonna
ruin the shirt.

Take off shirt!

Take one step closer,
and I'll k*ll
the shirt myself!

You bluff.

No! Don't hurt shirt!

Well, it seems
we're at an impasse.

How do you propose
we settle this?

We have fight.
But I pick venue.
Deal.

[VIDEO GAME MUSIC PLAYS]

ANNOUNCER: Round One.

Fight!

[SHOUTS]

[SHOUTS]

[GRUNTS]
[SHOUTS]

[SHOUTING GIBBERISH]

[GRUNTING]

[EXCLAIMING]

[SCREAM ECHOES INTO DISTANCE]

[CACKLING]

You lose!

Hi, I'm here for Peter Griffin.

Wait over there.

Not the best way to spend
a Thursday night, huh?

[SIGHS] You can say that again.

I was hoping to be
at this Democratic
Party fundraiser.

Oh, God, is
that tonight?
Ah...

You know, I promised
Barry I'd be there.

I call him "Barry,"
you probably know
him as "Barack."

Um. Yeah.
So, what are
you doing here?

I'm picking up my friend Peter.

Are you picking up a boyfriend?

No, actually.
I got arrested

for protesting
the Walmart opening.

Oh, yeah. I went to
the first part of that,

but then some fireworks went off

and I ran for
two miles straight.

[LAUGHS]

I'm Denise.

I'm Brian.

Hey, would you mind
if I asked for your number?

Who knows?
Maybe we could get
arrested together.

[LAUGHING]

Sure. I'd like that.

Number 3287.

Come on, Peter.
I'm here to take you home.

I don't know, Brian.

This is the only
world I know anymore.

Peter, you've been in
there for 15 minutes.

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, crap, he's in love again.

I know, I know.
But this time it's
for real.

You know,
I really feel
like Denise is

the girl I've
waited my whole life for.

Oh, please,
you've only known
her a week.

Besides, I thought Jillian was
the girl you waited
your whole life for.

Well, Jillian was.
But I'll never get
her back.

But Denise... I really
think there's something
special there.

Brian, you went
to one protest rally
with her.

It's hardly a date.

Oh, yeah?
You want to see?

I'll call her right now
and ask her out to dinner.

Hey, Denise? It's me.

Brian.

Brian Griffin.

Hey, listen, you know, I've had

such a great time
hanging out with you,

and I was thinking...

How about we go
on an actual date?

Uh-huh.

Sounds great! Bye.

So?

Well, guess who has
a date on Saturday?

Not me.

[SOBBING]

PETER: Put the dog out.
The dog's crying.

Can someone put...
Lois, can someone
put the dog out?

I'm trying to read!

[GROANS] What the hell?
What's the matter with you?

Did an ambulance
go by or something?

Hey, Brian... Ah, sweet!
Morning drinking!

Yeah! Party!

Peter, I'm not
getting drunk for fun.

I'm drinking because I'm sad.

Because I'm never gonna
meet the right woman.

Because I'm...
I'm going to
die old and alone.

Oh, you're Rip Torn drinking.

Listen, instead of
sitting here feeling
sorry for yourself,

why don't you take
Quagmire's class
on picking up chicks?

Quagmire teaches a class?
How come I've never heard
about this?

'Cause Quagmire forbids us
to tell you about his life.

As you may recall, he hates you.

Wouldn't help me anyway.
It's a hopeless situation.

If you ever want to
get anywhere with this girl,

you gotta ditch
that negative attitude.

You're as bad as Negatron.

Do as I command,

and we will
defeat the Autobots
once and for all!

Nope. Not going
to work.

Oh, come on.
What did we talk about?

Autobots always win.

You think Optimus
Prime's gonna be dead,
but then he's not dead.

I'm taking this from a robot
that turns into a canoe?

When there's a battle
on a gently-moving river,
you'll want me.

Now, as I said before,
I can't make you into studs.

I can only help you bring out
your "inner stud."

But there's a lot
of potential here.

Now how many of you guys think
a woman is looking
for Prince Charming?

Wrong! They're looking
for b*stards like me!

[MURMURING]

Mort, how many times
you been laid
since your wife died?

Do Muriel's clothes count?

No!

You wanna know how many times
I've been laid
since last night? 60!

Why? 'Cause I'm not trying
to be a girl's
Prince Charming.

I'm trying to be
that big mistake

they made at the bar last night.

Look, what's the first thing
you say to a woman
when you meet her?

"Pleased to meet you.
That's a handsome
scarf pin."

No! You say,
"Hi, there!

"How's your relationship
with your father?"

If she says anything
positive, move along.

Hey. Sorry I'm late.

Brian! What are
you doing here?

I'm in your class.

What? No way!

I don't want you in here!

Too bad. Here's
my class receipt.

Now teach me how to find love.

All right. Fine.

But you lick yourself
once in this class,
and you're out!

Don't look, don't look!
I spilled something.

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, time to practice
what we've learned.

You're up, Brian.
Now go hit on
that fat chick.

What? Why?
Do it or
you get an F.

[SIGHS] All right.

Excuse me. I was
just looking you over,
and I had a question.

Are those highlights in
your hair or potato chips?

Highlights!
Okay.

Hey, will you sign
this form that says
I hit on you?

Sassy!

You've got me sweating
above and below my a*s.

Let's go, lover.

Okay, what the f*ck?

I know, I know.

Quagmire told us
to dress flashy
so girls would notice us.

Oh, right, peacocking.
How's the class going?

Well, so far so good,
I guess. But tonight's
the real test.

I'm gonna try out
what I've learned on Denise.

Well, good luck.

Hey, who was that fat chick
sneaking out of
here this morning?

Oh, that was someone
I met from class. Bettina.

Ooh, that's way too
fancy a name for her.

Her name should
be "Thud" or "Oof."

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

You know, I have to admit,
Brian, I'm glad you called.

I sort of missed hanging out.

Call me The Paw.

That's what I go
by now, The Paw.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

A lot of babes here tonight.

Shut up for
a couple of minutes,
I'm gonna look around.

Brian, you're being
kind of disrespectful.

Relax, baby.

Hey, check your phone.
I sent you something.

[GASPS] Oh, my God!
Is that your...

Yeah. How'd you like to
get hit in the face with that?

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna go.

Why, you getting
more moles put on?

You know, I came here
'cause I thought

I'd made a mistake by not
giving you a chance,

but it's obvious
you're just another
typical jerk.

Denise, wait...

Hey! Oh, my God!
Two nights in a row!

Oh, hi, Bettina.

Thanks for the sex last night.

But, just so you know,
you didn't really get in.

All right, let's see
what you guys have done

to make yourselves
look like douchebags.

Mayor West, come up here.

All right, good.
Looks good.

All right, I'm a hot chick
in a club. What do you say
to me?

You're not attractive,
but I'll do you
as a favor.

[LAUGHS] Lucky for you!

Hey, Paw, you're late.

You're a son of a b*tch.

You're teaching
us all this crap
about how to get women,

and it's all a bunch of bull!

I came here 'cause
I wanted to get Denise back

and instead, you ruined my life!

These skills aren't for women
you care about, you idiot.

This course is
in getting laid,
not finding love.

So, what's the point?

If you never find love,
then it's just
meaningless sex.

How will I get
the woman of my dreams?

Only when you're ready.
And maybe not even then.

You see, women are a lot like
Saturday Night Live sketches.

Lots of them are awful,
some are decent, and a few
are pretty good.

But then there's that one...
That one woman

who's as amazingly perfect
as "Massive Head Wound Harry."

For me, that woman is
Cheryl Tiegs.

You'd never fall
for these tricks.

That's why I keep
trying to figure out

how to bring you
back into my life,

so we can make it work.

I still remember the day we met.

Hey h*! Look at the man
on the unicycle.

Look at the man
on the unicycle
with a parrot on his shoulder.

Hey h*! Put five cents
in the hat.

That's quite a skill
you've got there.

Well, ever since I got
discharged from the Navy,

I do anything I
can to make money.

I'm thinking about getting
my pilot's license.

Well, I think unicycles
are sexy.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Glenn, these past few weeks
have been amazing.

I think I'm falling
in love with you.

I know.
I feel the same way.

If this is the kind of joy
the '80s has in
store for me, I'm ready.

QUAGMIRE: But that wasn't
the case.

In fact, things went wrong
real fast.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Cheryl, don't you think
it's time for us to go now?

Why? We just got here?
I'm having a good time.

Yeah, I can tell.
You've been talking

to John Davidson
for half an hour.

Hey, Glenn, great to meet you.

John Davidson, host of
That's Incredible!

Oh, hey, John.
I like your work...
Not!

QUAGMIRE:
That was the first time
anybody ever used that.

First time, I swear to God.

Glenn, I've about had it
with your petty jealousy.

I'm starting to think
this relationship is
a mistake.

Well, maybe it is.

Wow, did you just break up
with Cheryl Tiegs?

I sure did.

What do you think
of that, folks?

That's incredible!

Someday...
Someday we'll make it right.

You shouldn't have
tried these tricks
on Denise, Brian.

But if you ask me,
she got lucky,

because now she's
dodged the b*llet

of being in a relationship
with a loser like you.

Well, you just think
you know everything,
don't you?

You're like a black
woman in hindsight.

I told you.
What did I tell you?

Didn't I tell you?
'Cause I told you.

Mmm-hmm. And when
did I tell you?

A long time ago.

And what did I say
would happen when
I told you?

Exactly what just happened.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

[STAMMERING] Are you...
Cheryl?

Hi, Glenn.

Oh, my God.

Cheryl, what are you doing here?

Well, you know,
it's been so many years,
and I was in the neighborhood,

and I thought I'd
just drop by and say hi.

My new boyfriend
I guess knows you,
and told me where you live.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Hey, Cheryl, get your fat a*s
over here before I dump you.

[LAUGHS] He's so bossy.
I love it.

Well, it was great
seeing you, Glenn.

[LAUGHING]

[LOUD POUNDING]

QUAGMIRE: Where is he?
Where's that son of a b*tch?

Whoa, whoa.
What's going on,
Quagmire?

You dirty b*stard.
I always knew you were low,

but you're nothing more than
a back-stabbing, junkyard cur.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What the hell, man?

My whole life's been
dedicated to Cheryl Tiegs!

Yeah, I know.
So what?

Your dog is dating her!

No way. You're banging
Cheryl Tiegs?

Yeah.
Oh, my God.

Light the beacons.

[FANFARE PLAYING]

Cheryl Tiegs. Nice.

I really like this restaurant.

You seem to like everything.

Brian, you're acting
a little distant.

Yeah, get whatever you want.

Oh, hey, guys,
fancy me running
into you here.

Oh, hey, Quagmire.

Listen, Brian, I've been
a real heel,

and I'd like to
make it up to you.

Oh, well, that's
very kind of you,
but there's no need.

No, no, I want to.
I want to.

In fact, you know,
since you guys
are already here,

I'd like to treat
the four of us to dinner.

Well, sure, I...
Wait, who's the fourth?

Oh, my new girlfriend.
Here she is.

Jillian?

Hi, Brian.
How are you?

Oh, he's doing great.
Isn't that right, pal?

Guy looks like
a million bucks,
all green and wrinkly, right?

Oh, get in here.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Whoa, hey, oh!

Okay, let's have dinner, huh?

So, how did you
guys get together?

He showed up at my door

and said he was
a Federal Boob Inspector.

And I was gonna
tell him to go away,
but he had a warrant.

It was a Snickers wrapper,
Brian. I held up
a Snickers wrapper.

But then he started
saying things to me

that my father might say
if he were still alive,

and I knew I liked him.

Well, I guess you
guys have gotten
pretty close, huh?

Did Quagmire ever tell
you he was obese
as a child?

Did Brian ever tell
you he once had a tick

on the back of his neck
that he couldn't
reach with his mouth,

and it swelled up
to the size of
a Ping-Pong ball?

Well, it was still
smaller than that thing

you had on your
lip for three years.

Oh, three years?
You mean like

the three years you have
left on this planet?

Oh, that's nice.

Hey, if you guys are
so close, maybe
Jillian should know

that you teach
a class in picking
up women.

And Cheryl should know
that you took that class.

Does Jillian know
you're half-Polish,
Mr. Quagglecheck?

You son of a b*tch!

[SNARLING]

Enough. Stop it,
both of you.

You obviously have
no respect for
either of us.

Yeah, you're acting all mean.

Now I'm glad you made me
face away during sex.

Brian, you've been using me.

You're right,
Cheryl, he's
just a user.

And you, Glenn.
I was always waiting
for you to grow up,

but you're still that
unicycle street performer
with a dream in his eye

and a parrot on his shoulder.

That parrot's
still alive, you know?

Those f*cking
things live forever.

Maybe you boys
will get it
together someday,

but it looks like
that's all you are.
Boys.

Yeah. Boys.

Yay, I helped.

Cheryl, wait.
Jillian.

I'm sorry.
I'll do anything, please!

Meg?
Yeah, this still
happens sometimes.

Hey.

You okay?
Yep.

Just waiting for my car.

Look, I'm sorry
I did what I did.

Cheryl's great, and
I hope someday you get
the chance to be with her.

No. I'm never gonna
get that chance again.

I blew it for good, Brian.

And you know what?
I deserve to be lonely.

I'm no saint. I dated
Jillian just to hurt you.

It's okay.

It probably wouldn't
have worked out,
like everything else.

Hey, you know, maybe
it took us stealing
each other's girls

to finally become friends.

Yeah, maybe.

Oh, hey, listen,
Cheryl actually drove me,

and I spent all my
cash in the restaurant,

even though you said you'd pay.

So, would you mind
giving me a lift home, buddy?