01x19 - Goldilocks

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

Can we have a story, Dad?

Okay. How about Goldilocks?

[both] Yeah!

Can you make it funny?

Yeah, righto. [clears throat]

Okay, once upon a time,
there were three bears--

Daddy Bear, Mama Bear
and Baby Bear.

Mama Bear had
made some porridge,

and in a really clear voice,
she said,

"Look, everyone, it's hot, okay?
Wait till it's cooled down!"

But no one was listening.

Baby Bear was on a screen watch
or something,

and Daddy Bear was
reading about the footy.

So, next minute,
Baby Bear eats some porridge,

and he's like, "Ow! It's too hot!
Oh, my tongue!"

And Mama Bear's all like,
"What did I just say?

I told you,
wait till it's cooled down."

"You didn't say that!"

"I did. You weren't listening!
You were on that watch again."

"No, I wasn't."

"No one ever listens to me around here!"

Then Daddy Bear eats some porridge,

and he's like, "Gah, it's hot!"

And Mama Bear's like,
"Are you kidding me?

Are... you... kidding me?"

"Oww!" says Daddy Bear,

and he's running his tongue
under the tap,

and Mama Bear's
getting stuck into him,

and Daddy Bear's like,
"Calm down, Tanya."

And Baby Bear's like,
"Stop it! Stop fighting!"

Anyway, this went on all morning
until Mum stormed out

and Dad ran after her going,
"I'm sorry, baby! Come back!"

And Baby Bear went as well.

So, they were all gone for a walk,

and then Goldilocks walks up,

'cause she's heard the racket a mile away.

She looks in the window,
she sees the porridge,

and she's like,
"Ooh, that looks good!"

And then, instead of going
and getting a job

and working hard
and saving up some money

and buying some oats
and making her own porridge,

you know what she does?

-[both] Yes.
-I'll tell you what she does.

She breaks and enters
into the three bears' house

and starts stealing their porridge!

So?

She's a dirty porridge thief,

and we're all just meant
to be okay with this.

-Bandit!
-Fine.

So, this criminal, Goldilocks,

is munching away,
when the door bursts open,

and it's Mama Bear,
and she's shouting,

"I'm going to stay with my sisters!"

And Daddy Bear's all like,

"Look, Tanya,
we can figure this out."

And Baby Bear's all like,
"Stop fighting!"

And then suddenly, boom!

They clock Goldilocks
at the kitchen table

eating their porridge.

Well, Mama Bear hits the roof.

She's like, "Gerald,
be a man for once in your life!

Do something!"
And Gerald's all like,

"What's going on here?
Who are you?"

And Goldilocks does this
sort of like karate move. Hyah!

And goes,
"I'm your worst nightmare."

Daddy Bear backs down,
but Mama Bear steps up

and cracks her neck and is like,
"Bring it on, blondie."

So, this huge karate fight starts.

Everyone's kung-fuing and karateing,

and Baby Bear's at the back
just lobbing in ninja stars.

Mama Bear's ninja kicks are too high,

and Daddy Bear's
ninja kicks are too low.

So, Goldilocks is winning, you know.
She's a bit of a hard nut.

She's got the Bear family on the ropes,

but Baby Bear's like, "Hang on.

Why are we doing karate and stuff?

We're bears. We got claws!"

And Mama Bear's like,
"Ah, yeah, good one, Baby Bear."

So, they start going old school,
claws out, bear style.

And Goldilocks is like,
"I'm outta here!"

And she's like pssshh,
through the window,

hits the floor, and starts running.
"Ahh!"

Whoo! The bears cheer,
and they're all high-fiving

and going,
"Yeah! Good one, Baby Bear."

And Mama Bear's
all over Daddy Bear, going,

"Ah, you were awesome, Gerald,
like really manly and heroic."

And he's like,
"Oh, yeah, thanks, babe.

You were good, too."
And you know what?

They decided that houses
and porridge and clothes

and the ways of man
really wasn't for them anymore,

so they sold the house
and moved into the forest

and ate berries and salmon
for the rest of their lives

and lived happily ever after.
The end.

-[both] Again!
-No!

[closing theme music playing]