Ebony & Ivory (2024)

[bunniefuu]

[waves lapping]

[seagulls crying]

[upbeat music]

[seagull crying]

[waves lapping]

[seagulls crying]

[seagulls crying]

[brakes squeaking]

[door slams]

So, how was your journey?

Very, very, very, very long.

It was a very, very,

very, very long journey.

Let there be absolutely

no doubt about that.

[Paul laughs]

Oh, funny, is it?

Yes, it's funny!

[footsteps]

[sniffs]

This is one of my famous

hot cups of tea that say,

'Welcome to my

Scottish Cottage'.

'Scottish Cottage?'

[gulping]

sh*t and f*ck! sh*t and f*ck!

How's the hot cup of tea?

Not bad. Not great.

What kind of hot

cup of tea is it?

It's called Lapsang Souchong.

Oh yeah.

I know that tea.

It's the smoky tea.

It's possibly the smokiest

tea out there.

I mean, am I right about that?

Oh yes you are.

She's a smoky brew.

Give her an inhalation.

Don't mind if I do.

[sniffs]

Do you like it?

It's got a very

distinct flavour.

Smell like pee pee.

Tastes like pee pee.

Is that what they say?

That's not cheap, mate.

That's an expensive brew.

And I steeped it for exactly

the right amount of time.

You're sounding

pretty ungrateful there.

Maybe you want

to take that back?

Take what back?

Take what you said back.

Back where?

You what?

I never take anything back.

Not usually anyway.

But okay, I'll take that back.

Only because I just arrived

and I want everything here

to go smoothly...

If you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

Well, I mean I kind of do know

what you mean.

I'm just trying to talk

like you. In riddles.

I don't talk in riddles.

I just talk like me.

I'll talk like me

and you talk like you.

You don't have to tell me

to talk like me.

I am me.

I've always been me.

Anyway, it's dinner time.

Oh, it's chow time, is it?

It's time to do

the munchy-munchy.

And how exactly do I find

the dining room

when I've never set foot in

this Scottish Cottage before?

[chair creaking]

[in German accent] We have ways

of getting you

into the dining room

for the veggie casserole, mate.

[strange music]

[chair scrapes]

Hey, hey! That tickles!

Yeah, it kinda does, right?

I hooked my fingers

in your armpits.

I was wondering if that

was your fingers.

Yes, it's me fingers.

[music fades out]

[clock ticking]

[cutlery clinking]

Well?

What was that that we ate?

Exactly. And I mean exactly.

It was a vegetarian ready-meal.

A vegetarian ready-meal?

The wife has a range

of vegetarian foods.

We just had one of them.

You and me.

I grabbed it out of the freezer.

Are you actually a vegetarian?

I'm a proper veggie, mate.

Ah. And you know what I am?

No. What are you?

I'm a sometimes-atarian.

[atmospheric music]

Oh, okay.

That sounds exotic.

So-a, sometimes-a

I eat-a the meat-a.

And sometimes-a I eat-a

the sausage-a.

So, sometimes-a you eat-a

the sausage-a?

It's a possibility-a?

No-a. I-a don't-a eat-a

of the sausage-a.

It's-a not-a a possibility-a.

It's gone awfully quiet.

[mysterious music]

Come on.

What's this all about,

you travelling all the way here?

You came here by car.

You came here by plane.

I did NOT come here by plane!

You came a long, long,

long, long way.

That has to mean somethin'.

[floorboards creaking]

So, what's this all about?

Oh, we'll get to that.

Aren't you pleased to see me?

If you're pleased to see me,

then you'll build a real

log fire in here

and warm up this

Scottish Cottage

for the two dirty great

big musical legends

who are gathered here

right now, right here

in this most especially

Scottish Cottage!

Okay, here we come.

We've got a roaring log fire

right now.

Here we come, mate!

Slide me one more

of your fizzy beers.

This is another Wee Billy's

Big Wee Fizzy Beer.

[cork pops]

[bottle clunks]

[slurping]

[smacks lips]

This is the Green Man.

[mysterious music]

[slurping, gulping]

Aah.

Go upstairs.

Make yourself comfortable.

Have a bubble bath.

I'll get the fire crackling.

See you in a few momentitos.

Momentitos?

It's...too...hot!

sh*t and f*ck! sh*t and f*ck!

[light-hearted music]

I'm going to pour you

a Wee Billy's Big Wee

Frisky Whisky.

Here you go, mate.

This whisky is from

the actual Mull of Kintyre.

[glugging and gulping]

Aaaah!

You're meant to sip it, mate.

You ever been on a journey

so long

that your thirst became

truly biblical in its enormity?

You what?

Fill me up immediately

and no half measures!

[light-hearted music]

Here you go, mate.

Numero dos!

[slurping and glugging]

Aaah!

Hey, you know

what I was thinkin'?

What exactly were you thinkin'?

I was thinking we could have

a bit of a doobie woobie.

A bit of a what?

A bit of a doobie woobie.

Just a little tug.

Come on.

Just a little tug?

Just a little tug!

Of a doobie woobie?

A little tug of a doobie

and a little tug of a woobie

while we're at it!

I mean, I did travel a long,

long, long, long way

to get here.

And a man needs to relax.

A man has to relax.

THE man has to relax.

'The' man?

THE man.

THE myth.

THE legend.

THE man?

THE myth?

THE legend?

Who's that?

Me!

Even I need to relax sometimes.

Even you?

Even me.

And how exactly

will even you relax?

Maybe the specific way

that even I need to relax

is with the help

of what's his name.

Yes. And what is his name?

[heavy electronic music]

You just told me his name.

So, what is his name?

What is his name?

I'll give you a clue.

His initials are D.W.

His initials are D.W.

Yes, he has two names.

One begins with D.

The other begins with W.

D.W.

Hmm.

Come on. Think about it.

Okay. D.W.

[whistles] Come on, mate.

D.W. D.W...

That's it. Come on, mate.

[whistles]

Can you give me a clue as to

what his name might be?

His second name is Woobie.

Second name Woobie...

First name something.

Give me a clue.

His first name rhymes

with his second name.

So his first name rhymes

with his second name?

His first name rhymes

with his second name,

and I'm afraid I'm gonna

need an answer.

So his first name

rhymes with Woobie...

That is correct.

Is it Hoobie?

Hoobie Woobie?

No.

Boobie?

What about-a Boobie?

Boobie?

That's a bit rude!

Boobies!

[imitates motorboating]

No. Not boobies. No way, mate.

Then it has to be Soobie!

No, wait.

Toobie! Toobie Woobie.

You ever heard of him?

No.

Is it really Voobie?

Voobie Woobie?

His entire name therefore

must be Voobie Woobie!

No. It really isn't Voobie.

It's not one of those

double names, is it,

like Woobie Woobie?

No.

It's X-oobie!

X-oobie with an X!

No. No, it's not X-oobie.

It's Zoobie, with a zee,

or a Zed as you might say.

Zoobie Woobie.

Done. Finito. Capeesh?

No. You're way off.

sh*t and f*ck! sh*t and f*ck!

It begins with the fourth letter

of the alphabet.

Something-oobie Woobie.

The fourth letter.

It begins with the fourth letter

of the alphabet.

So, it's not A...

No.

It's not B.

No.

It's not C.

No.

So then it must be...

So... Hang on.

Wait! You wait right there!

I need to relax with the help

of Doobie Woobie!

Yes!

I need to relax

with the help of Doobie Woobie!

Yes!

[imitates motorboating]

I need to relax with the help

of Doobie Woobie!

Yes, you do!

Oh yes, I do.

Hell yeah you do!

Hell yeah, I do!

Bow down motherfunkers

to the man who needs to relax

with the help of an altogether

top-of-the-range

smooth-sucking paper-wrapped

tobacco and marijuana treat

that goes by the name of...

Let's all say this together...

BOTH: Doobie Woobie!

Okay, right.

I shall arrange for you to meet

Doobie Woobie

himself immediately.

And I shall retrieve

Doobie Woobie

from my little Doobie Woobie

Furry Box.

What, I find myself

asking myself,

is a little Doobie Woobie

Furry Box?

[lid clunks]

Weave your magic spell, Satan.

[lighter clicks]

[exhales]

Here it comes.

[suspenseful music]

[lighter clicks]

I want to know all about

the vegetarian ready meals.

It's what the wife does now.

Or what she will do

in the future.

She will launch...

...a wide range...

...of entirely...

...vegetarian...

...ready meals.

[exhales]

Yum yums.

I believe vegetarian ready meals

cause chronic constipation.

[exhales]

Yeah. She's really into these

vegetarian ready meals.

I think she's even making some

that work only in the microwave.

I don't believe in microwaves.

I believe microwaves make

chronic constipation worse.

[exhales] Did you wonder

where the wife was

when you got here?

Maybe you thought

you'd see her here?

Why? Where the hell is she?

I'm talking about the wife.

[exhale echoes]

She's gone to Fakenham

in Norfolk with the kids

to do some taste testing

on the entire range

of vegetarian ready meals

And what specifically are these

vegetarian ready meal options?

Do you want me to name them?

Yes. I want you to name

them all for me.

Do you really want me

to name them all?

Oh yes, I do.

I want you to name

them all for me.

You know what?

I could try to do it in the form

of a song.

Oh, you can sing, can you?

According to some people,

I'm not so bad.

I can even sing in tune.

I'll be the judge of that.

I'm going to sing it a capella.

It's really written for

the voice and the guitar,

but I think I can make it work

for you here right now

without the guitar.

[exhales]

If anyone can make it work,

I can.

[giggles]

We've got vegetarian sausages.

We've got vegetarian bacon.

We've got vegetarian

square ba*ls.

We've got vegetarian tubes.

We've got nug-nug-

nug-nug-nuggets.

Oh wait, did you say nuggets?

Yeah, yeah, I did. Yes.

So you do have nuggets?

Yes, we do-do-do!

Nuggets made from vegetables,

yes, it's true-true-true!

Have we got golden nuggets?

Yes, we do! Nuggets of gold.

These nuggets are breaded!

They look like gold!

Nuggets of gold!

Golden nuggets of vegetables.

Golden nuggets of vegetables.

Golden nuggets, nuggets of gold.

Golden nuggets of vegetables,

yes, riding on a nugget train.

These golden nuggets

go choo-choo-choo!

Nuggets made of vegetables.

Vegetarian through and through!

Baby, oh my baby,

that's what we do.

Let me guide you

through the world

of vegetarian ready meals,

baby girl.

As I hold you tightly in my

big old veggie-weggie arms!

Hey guys!

Don't forget

the vegetarian schnitzels!

[ominous music]

[upbeat music]

[chomping]

That's it, mate.

That's all the nuggets.

We've had the lot.

You're joking.

Really?

No more veggie nuggets?

f*ck!

You're joking!

Please tell me you're joking.

I am not joking.

Actually, I am joking.

I've got one more nugget.

And it's in my pocket.

And I'm going to roll it down

the Nugget Slide.

The nugget is in my pocket,

and I'm going to roll it down

the Nugget Slide.

Here is the nugget.

The nugget's going

straight into your mouth

after it's been down

the Nugget Slide.

I'm going to send

the nugget down now.

[nugget sliding]

[chewing, crunching]

[gentle music]

Mm! Yum yum!

[chewing and chomping]

[chewing and chomping]

[exhaling]

Why did you come here?

[exhaling]

I told you, didn't I?

No, you didn't.

You know why I came here!

No, I don't.

Why do you think I'm here?

I've absolutely no idea.

I am here because we are both

musical legends!

[exhaling]

I'm slightly confused.

You mean you came all this way

in a little rowing boat

because we're both

musical legends?

Musical legends help each other

to make music

as only musical legends can make

when musical legends decide

to make music together

as only musical legends can do.

[exhaling]

You're talking

in riddles again, mate.

I am here to help you,

musically.

I am here to help you become

a true musical legend!

You what?

You what?

You what?

You what?

You what?

You what?

[exhaling]

I don't need any help being

a true musical legend, mate.

Not from you or anyone.

Hello, it's me. The cute one.

The one the girls go mad for!

No, I don't need any help being

a true musical legend, mate.

Maybe YOU need some help

being a true musical legend.

You think I need help

being a true musical legend?

Oooh. I don't know.

But maybe you doooo.

I write every note myself,

and I play every

instrument myself!

I can even make sexy sounds

on the trombone

which is a highly

unsexy instrument.

I don't need anyone else!

And I certainly don't need you!

So why did you come here

if you don't need me?

I came here because you need me!

I don't need you, mate.

To be honest, I'm not even

that mad on your music.

It's kind of cheesy.

And that says something

coming from me.

[imitates motorboating]

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.

Do you think that's funny?

You think my music's cheesy?

[exhaling]

If your music was a pizza,

you can forget about it being

a four-cheese pizza.

It would be at least

a five-cheese pizza.

In fact, you can forget that.

It's not even

a six-cheese pizza,

or even a seven-cheese pizza.

We'd be well into double figures

as we watched you make

the world's first

twelve-cheese pizza.

Your music is extra cheesy mate,

like my feet.

If you don't believe me,

you can give them a sniff.

[sniffing]

Watch out, or I may have

to lunge for your neck!

You don't lunge

for my neck, mate.

Not when you're staying

at my Scottish Cottage!

Then don't make me smell

your cheese-y feet!

Oh. I'm just trying

to lighten the mood.

Have a bit of fun.

Well, don't!

Oh. I'm not allowed

to have a bit of fun?

No!

Not unless you want me

to lunge for your neck!

I told you.

You don't lunge for my neck

when you're staying

at my Scottish Cottage!

Do not ever tell me what to do!

It's time for me to lunge.

On the count of three.

One, two, three, lunge!

Uh!

[Paul choking, Stevie grunting]

[Paul choking, Stevie grunting]

[light-hearted music]

[thudding]

[Paul choking, Stevie grunting]

I am the gripper!

[Paul grunting]

[Paul grunting]

[Paul grunting]

Feel my grip!

[Paul grunting]

I grip, then I rip!

On the count of three,

I shall lunge for you

just as you once lunged for me.

[grunting and groaning]

[Stevie grunting]

One, two, three, lunge!

Ah! Ah, ah, sh*t!

Ah, ah, sh*t! [grunting]

[thud]

[grunting]

[grunting]

Have you had enough?

Never!

Do you want more?

Yeah, I do actually.

Have you had enough, you w*nk*r?

I think I've had enough now.

[Paul grunts]

Okay. I'm going to bed.

Yeah, you go to bed.

I am. I'm going to bed.

And you're just gonna

leave me here?

I most certainly am.

So how exactly am I going

to find my own way to bed?

You'll have to work that one out

on your own, mate.

He thinks I can't find my own

way to my own bed.

I am finding my own way

to my own bed very easily.

I feel paranoid and insecure.

My head is spinning

around and around.

I have what is commonly

referred to as 'the spins'.

I do not normally smoke

this substance,

even though I am sure

this substance

in this case

is completely natural.

It is Scottish.

It is Scottish!

It is from Scotland.

[heavy breathing]

[heavy breathing]

[mysterious music swells]

It's okay.

I remember feeling like this.

It can happen.

Oh, it can happen alright.

It will pass.

It has to pass.

Do not be afraid.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

You are so far from alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most...

...definitely...

...definitely...

...not...

...not...

...alone.

You are most...

...definitely not...

...alone!

You are...

...most...

...definitely...

...not...

...alone.

[music swells]

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

You are most definitely

not alone.

[crowing]

You are most definitely

not alone.

[c*ck crowing]

[cow mooing]

Surprise, surprise.

I'm making us a vegetarian

breakfast, mate.

[fork clanking]

sh*t and f*ck! sh*t and f*ck!

[chair scrapes]

I had a strange vision

last night.

A strange vision, yeah?

Like what?

I was speaking to my parents.

About having the spins.

You know the spins?

When you smoke

too much marijuana

and you feel like your head

is rotating round and round?

Oh, I know the spins alright.

I used to smoke a lot

of marijuana with the guys.

We'd wake up and get

absolutely high

as a bunch of garden gnomes.

I still do smoke a bit

of marijuana

to be honest with you.

If we're being really,

really, really honest,

we were smoking it last night,

were we not?

We were, we were.

But yes, I had

this strange vision.

Oh, you did, did you?

I did.

I saw my parents in this vision.

Except my parents looked like me

and my parents spoke like me

and my parents were me.

And me.

That sounds pretty trippy, mate.

I had the spins.

And my parents arrived

in a strange vision.

And they were telling me

that everything would be okay.

And that I was not alone.

And then when I woke up,

I was not alone.

I truly was not alone.

What are you getting at?

Were you in my bed with me?

sh*t and f*ck! sh*t and f*ck!

sh*t and f*ck!

[whimsical music]

Okay, let's see what

we got here.

So, going clockwise

around the plate,

you have veggie

schnitzy witzies,

that's my word for vegetarian

schnitzels,

you have veggie tubes

which are a British thing

and they're fantastically

delicious vegetarian tubes.

You have some

veggie square ba*ls

which are what you might call

vegetarian ba*ls,

except these ones are square.

You have two veggie surprises

which are also vegetarian,

hence the word 'veggie'.

And trust me,

the taste is a surprise

because you never knew

anything could be

that desperately delicious.

You have the finest

of all veggie foods

going on in and around

your plate.

And then of course,

here we come,

get ready for the classics.

You have veggie sausages

by the wife,

veggie bacon by the wife,

which is also breaded,

which is very unusual for bacon

whether veggie

or non-veggie bacon.

You will find yourself

also in the possession

of a couple of breaded

garlic mushrooms

by the wife, also vegetarian,

but bear in mind,

everything here is breaded

'cause that's how we like it.

And finally, we've got some

tomato ketchup.

I like to call him Tommy K.

And brown sauce,

which is a real breakfast

classic in the British Isles.

People are squirting tomato

and brown sauces

non-stop up and down the entire

length of the British Isles.

You can't squirt

these ones though.

You've got to hit the bottom,

and you've got to hit

the botty hard.

Know what I mean?

All this breaded breakfast talk

is making my mouth water.

[mouth squelches]

[sniffing]

This doesn't smell like

my regular breakfast.

Is this actually a breakfast?

Is this actually what you have

for breakfast every morning?

The most important meal

of the day?

[imitates motorboating]

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

[crunching & chewing]

[crunching & chewing]

[crunching & chewing]

All this breaded food

can make a man thirsty.

Hm.

[crunching & chewing]

That's why I poured you

a Wee Billy's Big Wee

Fruity Squash.

And what exactly

is a glass of squash?

It's a delicious drink.

It's fruity.

It's not juice.

But you'll be thanking me

after you try it.

[gulping]

That's one serious fruity glass

of Wee Billy's

Big Wee Fruity Squash.

We like it firm and fruity

round here.

[exhales like horse]

[exhales like horse]

[upbeat music]

PAUL: Okay.

There's one sheep

in the field today.

One white, woolly sheep

and it is staring

directly at us.

To be perfectly honest,

I've only ever seen

one sheep here.

One white, woolly sheep.

It is this sheep.

This is the only sheep

I've ever seen here.

I've never seen

another sheep here.

Only this sheep.

And this sheep

is staring directly at us.

[poignant music]

PAUL: Let's go.

[bleating]

[bleating]

[vibrant music]

[Paul bleating]

[Stevie bleating]

[Paul bleating]

[Stevie bleating]

[Paul and Stevie bleating]

[Paul and Stevie bleating]

[seagulls crying]

[gasps]

[music slows]

[mysterious music]

[seagull crying]

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[door shuts]

[engine humming]

[brakes squealing]

[handbrake clunks]

[door shuts]

[door shuts]

[music fades out]

[groaning]

[eerie music]

[sheets rustling]

Aah!

[cabinet thuds]

Uh...ah!

[pillow thuds]

[sheets rustling]

[groaning]

I shall leave the patient

so that the patient

may find healing in sleep.

No, wait.

Even though my voice

is rather weak,

this is very important.

Please listen to me.

I am listening to you, mate.

I feel there is something

I need.

I need a brown coloured drink

made with real cocoa.

Yes, I need a hot chocolate

drink made with real cocoa.

And I want marshmallows

floating on top of it.

And I would adore

some whipped cream

on top of the marshmallows.

And on top of the marshmallows,

I would love some

chocolate sprinkles.

Okay.

Please cycle to the shop

so that we have enough

cocoa powder and marshmallows

and whipped cream and chocolate

sprinkles and cow's milk.

You do have a bicycle,

do you not?

I do have a bicycle.

Please go on your bicycle.

Purchase said items.

Yeah, okay.

Then you will be able to make

the healing beverage I require.

[groaning]

Okay.

I nearly drowned today.

Yes.

I nearly died today.

Yes.

Go. Go now.

Go immediately.

I must go.

You must go.

I must go.

Please go.

I am going, mate.

Bye bye. For now.

Bye bye. For now.

Hot choccy...

with all the accoutrements.

Mm.

[vibrant music]

[seagulls crying]

[imitates motorboating]

[sign squeaking]

[tin lip clanks]

[spoon clinks]

[cream squirting]

[chocolate grating]

[owl hooting]

[eerie music]

I shall hand over a hot

chocolate to the patient.

Is it constructed as discussed?

It is.

And you purchased

all five mandatory ingredients

at the local shop?

I got them all.

How unexpected.

And what are the five

mandatory ingredients?

Let's make sure we're speaking

the same chocco language here.

As it was agreed,

I got cocoa powder,

I got marshmallows,

I got whipping cream,

and I then whipped

the cream myself.

I mean it's whizzy cream.

You whizz it out of the can,

if I'm honest.

I couldn't get ready-made

chocolate sprinkles,

so I used a miniature

cheese grater

that the wife got

in a Christmas cr*cker,

and I used this miniature

cheese grater

to grate dark chocolate

on top of the drink

to make homemade

chocolate sprinkles.

[growling]

[still growling]

Oh, okay.

I kind of was looking forward

to store-bought,

ready-made chocolate sprinkles.

You're on the Mull of Kintyre,

mate.

This isn't Hollywood.

[growling]

I am aware of that.

Hand me my beverage.

[slurping and gulping]

Mmm.

[Stevie slurping]

There's a thirsty boy.

[gulping]

I feel better already.

But now I need another

hot choccy, thank you.

[cream squirting]

[playful music]

[chocolate grating]

[gulps]

Yes, that was delicious.

And now you're gonna do

something special

for the patient.

It is something my mother always

did for me as a child.

It involves the patient's feet.

Can you guess what it is?

I'm not sucking your toes, mate.

I draw the line at that.

No! You are not sucking my toes!

No-one here is sucking

on anybody else's toes!

But if you lean in close,

you will find exactly what it is

that you must do

for the patient.

I want you to stroke

the patient's feet.

Lightly stroke them.

Soft, light foot strokies.

Yes, I want foot strokies.

And I want them now.

And I want them to be

very soft and light

and luxuriously relaxing.

Who doesn't love

a nice foot strokie?

Okay. Only because

you nearly drowned.

Yes. I nearly died.

Come on. Foot strokies.

Okay. Foot strokies. I get it.

Foot strokies, please.

[mysterious music]

Oh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

PAUL: Ooh...

PAUL: Ooh, ooh, ooh...

Oooh...

Oooh, oooh, oooh.

Oooh, oooh, oooh.

Am I doing a good job?

[Paul garbling]

[Paul garbling]

[Paul garbling]

Mmm.

The patient shall fall into

a deep, deep slumber.

Weeeee...

Mmm...

The patient shall

soon feel better.

Then we can look at the sheep.

We can look at the sheep.

The sheep.

The sheep.

Baaaah.

Baaaah.

Baaaah.

Baaaah.

The sheep.

The sheep.

PAUL: The sheep.

The sheep.

PAUL: The sheep.

The sheep.

PAUL: Baaaah.

Baaaaah.

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaaah!

Baaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaah!

You what, mate?

I was having a dream.

But I can't remember

what it was about.

How can we forget

our dreams so quickly?

And why?

Why do we?

It's been a long day, mate.

Yes. It's been a long

and terrible day.

Which is why I am thinking,

what could be wonderful?

And then I just realised.

It could be wonderful

to have one more

of your signature hot chocolates

with real cocoa

and some marshmallows

and whipped cream and chocolate

sprinkles and cow's milk.

Then I can feel

fully recuperated.

You sure you're not drinking

too much hot chocolate, mate?

And while you're at it,

maybe you're also

eating too many marshmallows?

[growling]

I am neither drinking

too much hot chocolate,

nor am I eating

too many marshmallows.

And don't forget

the chocolate sprinkles!

I need to be pampered.

I did nearly drown today,

as we both know.

Or maybe someone

attempted to k*ll me!

[growling]

No more foot strokies!

You know I already made you two

of my signature hot choccies!

I cycled to the shop to get

all the ingredients too!

Yes! And you attempted

to k*ll me earlier!

Hey! I didn't know

you can't swim!

[panting frantically]

Listen to me, boy.

I came to this Scottish

Cottage for a special reason.

To collaborate with you.

Because I'm a musical legend.

Because I figured

you needed some help!

Turns out, you are so insanely

jealous of me and my talent,

like how I can play every

instrument under the sun,

that you try to k*ll me

in the Scottish sea!

Do you realise

who you're speaking to?

It's me.

Look at me.

The cute one.

The one the girls go mad for.

Realise who you're speaking to.

[growling]

How dare you!

You come to my Scottish Cottage

and insult me and claim

I tried to k*ll you.

You're the only adult

I've ever met that can't swim.

And I'm the only musical genius

in this Scottish Cottage.

[roaring]

Forget musical legend!

I'm talking genius!

It's time for you to pack

your crappy handbag crapbag

and sling your hook, mate!

I'm not leaving!

Not until you apologise

for attempted m*rder!

I'm not apologising

for nothing, mate!

Apology requested!

Apology denied!

I need hot choccy!

I want hot choccy!

Need hot choccy!

Want hot choccy!

Need hot choccy!

Want hot choccy!

I looked in the attic.

I looked downstairs.

No hot choccy anywhere.

f*cking w*nk*r!

I'm going!

I looked in the street.

I looked in the yard.

Finding hot choccy

never seemed so hard!

[dramatic music swells]

[music fades out]

[fridge door slams]

[panting]

[tray clanking]

[packets thudding]

[panting]

[door creaks open]

[door slams]

[vibrant music]

Hey. I'm hungry too.

I'm coming in

and I'm telling you now.

Don't you dare come in.

This is a private veggie feast

for residents.

Resistance is utterly

and absolutely pointless.

There is nothing you can do

about my forced entry.

I shall enter on the count

of three. One...

[tray rattling]

Two...

[tray rattling and clanging]

Three!

[tray rattling]

Enter!

[tray rattling]

Oh, we're grilling, are we?

The veggie feast on this grill

tray is all mine.

I disagree.

You can disagree all you like.

Facts are facts.

I'm gonna lunge for your veggie

feast on the count of three.

One, two, three, lunge!

[grunting and grappling]

This is my veggie feast.

Get your own veggie feast.

Get on a bike

and go to the local shop

like I did.

[grunting and grappling]

[grunting]

Hang on, sorry.

Actually, the shop's closed.

You're too late.

And it's my bike.

And you're not allowed

to use it!

[grunting]

[crunching, chewing]

Mm. This is one delicious

veggie sausage.

I love the golden breadcrumbs

that are covering

every single bite I take.

I love veggie munching!

[crunching]

I wanna do some veggie munching!

[growling]

Okay!

You asked for it!

[growling]

First you shall experience

the veggie sausage!

[crunching]

[chewing]

You like that?

[crunching, chewing]

Yeah, I do actually.

But now I want to dress up

like a ghost from yesteryear.

[crunching, chewing]

[thunder rumbling]

[mysterious music]

Zham Zham!

Zham Zham!

Zham Zham!

Zham Zham!

Zham Zham!

Zham Zham!

Zham Zham!

[exhaling]

[exhaling]

[exhaling]

[coughing]

Zham Zham!

Zham Zham!

[thunder rumbling]

[music fades out]

[birds chirping]

[slow footsteps]

[vibrant music]

Baaaaah!

Baaaaah!

Baaaaah!

Baaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

Ebony!

Ivory!

Ebony!

Ivory!

PAUL SHEEP: Ebony!

STEVIE SHEEP: Ivory!

Ebony!

Ivory!

Ebony!

Ivory!

Ebony!

Ivorrrrrrrrrrrrry!

Ebonyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Ivorrryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Ebonyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

[splashing]

...yyyyyy!

Ivorrryyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

[splashing]

[splashing and plopping]

...yyyyyyyy!

[wind gusting]

Baaaaaaah!

Baaaaaaah!

[crunching, chewing]

[euphoric choral music]

[gentle music]

We have seen a sign.

We have been presented

with a sign.

We've had our struggles

with each other.

We've had our struggles

with each other, it's true.

But we needed struggle

to find harmony.

We truly have found harmony.

I've never felt this comfortable

with anyone.

Yes, I agree.

Even though we've been through

some very hard times,

I now feel completely

comfortable with you.

I feel like we're completely

in perfect synchronicity.

Almost like twins.

You know that thing

that twins have

when they can finish

each other's sentences.

I think we have that.

We definitely do.

I wanted to finish your sentence

then actually,

but when you said finish

each other's sentences,

I knew what you were going

to say.

It felt too obvious to finish

each other's sentences

when you were talking

about finishing

each other's sentences.

Do you know what I mean?

Of course I know what you mean.

Of course you do.

It's funny.

I don't wanna leave.

Even though I'd be hard

pressed to say

I've had the best of times here,

I wouldn't change

any of it for the world.

Not for the world.

And also, let me tell you...

You're the first person

I've ever told this to

because you're the only

person here.

I think something truly special

will come out of our time

together here.

Oh, that's for sure.

Something truly special

will come out of it.

Something magical.

Something radical.

We can change

the way people think.

Yes. We can.

We have the power.

The power to change

the way people think.

We do.

Because we can do it

in the form of a song.

We can change people's minds

with a song.

Just a simple song.

Just a simple song.

We are in perfect harmony.

We are in perfect harmony.

[imitates motorboating]

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

Hey, how did you know I do that?

Oh, people are always

talking about it.

In a good way?

[birds chirping]

[vibrant music]

[engine humming]

[imitates motorboating]

[laughing]

[seagulls crying]

[music fades]

[vibrant music]