02x05 - The Unnatural

[bunniefuu]

Hey, here comes Marty again.

You know, I love this part of the day.

George, I need you to sign for this package.

Where's the package?

Oh, boy.

You know what's really funny?

He doesn't know he retired three years ago.

Hey, what are you doing?

Well, I'm still trying to find my dad.

So I'm gonna run an ad in all the newspapers

up in Northern California.

What do you think?

I lost my father as a boy. Mother told me he was dead.

Found out he's alive. I'm now seeking to reunite with him.

Manny Lopez, 5'10", Latino male, mid-50s,

will pay for any information leading to contact.

Hey, take a little advice from somebody

who's written more than his fair share of personal ads.

They charge you by the word.

You can say the same thing with a lot less.

Just get rid of this, this, this, this, this,

this, and this.

this. Now read it to me. Boy seeking Latino male. We'll pay for contact. Well, at least it grabs you.

Yeah, but where? What are you doing? Trying to track my father down through the personals.

Here, let me help you, okay? Write this. Ungrateful son seeks to ruin mother's life by opening up

old wounds. If you like to watch

beautiful sunsets and middle-aged

women suffer, call now.

Excuse me, George.

Hey, Coach. What are you doing down here?

I'm really sorry to bother you at work like this,

but can I talk to you for a minute?

Yeah, sure, man. Come on in.

Where you been, by the way? I haven't seen you

at the last couple of Little League games.

Oh, man, since I got promoted to manager, I gotta work

on weekends. Hey, how's Bobby Jr.

doing out there? He's still leading the league in home runs.

Listen, I was on my way to practice.

and I wanted to come by and talk to you about your little slugger.

Now, you know, we got that big game against the Pirates coming up, George,

and everybody's going to have to give 110%.

You know, my kid's going to be pitching,

and it'd be just great, George, if your kid could call in sick.

What?

Come on, George, you got to know, man, Max, well, he sucks.

Hey, let's not end up taking shots at each other's kids

because I don't want to say anything about your little fatty

that I might regret.

Well, you know, my son gets on base.

Because he thinks it's a marshmallow.

George, come on, now, Max has not had one hit.

It's not that we don't want Max to come,

it's just that, well, we don't want him in the game,

and they got that damn every kid has to play rule.

Yeah, it's horrible, isn't it?

Bunch of kids out there running around trying to have fun.

Ugh, it makes me sick.

All right, listen, if it helps,

maybe I could sort of, uh, sweeten the pot for you.

What would you say to frozen Omaha steaks for a year?

You'd actually buy me steaks for a year

just to keep my son out of the game?

Oh, my God, no. All the parents are chipping in.

I-I can go as high as lobster.

Well, since I can't throw all the other parents

out of my office, why don't I just start with you?

Oh, hey, George, now, come on. It's your call.

But I just want you to know that even that kid

with the heart murmur, he's, uh, calling in sick.

And he can bunt.

Hey, that wasn't a bump. The bump bounced off his oxygen tank.

Hey, Max. How was baseball practice?

It was great. The coach gave me a new position.

Yeah? What's that?

I'm snack captain.

He's baking brownies for tomorrow's practice.

And I get to serve them, too.

Holy crap.

Listen, why don't you go get your gear?

We'll go to the batting cage, take a few cuts.

Okay, but we gotta finish the brownies first.

We're making them into circles

and putting white frosting on them

so they look like baseballs.

Holy crap!

Max, go get your gear.

Okay.

What's going on?

Max's little league coach came down to my work.

All the parents think Max is so bad,

they tried to bribe me to keep him out of the next game.

Those stuck-up jerks!

My son is not bad.

I went to his last game.

I cheered for our little number nine.

No, he's number six.

Oh, man, then he really sucks.

Well, you know what?

It doesn't matter how good he is.

That is not the point.

As long as he's having fun,

then, you know, he should be able to play.

You know what?

This is my fault.

I missed some of his games.

I haven't been practicing with him the way I should,

but all that ends right now.

Can you believe some of these little league parents?

They get so obsessed with winning, they're out of control.

Max, get your bat and your butt down here!

Let's go, man! Hustle, hustle, hustle!

I'm ready, Dad.

Come on, son, let's go.

Mom, I know it's early, but can you take the brownies out?

I don't want them dry for the guys.

Okay.

Dry for the guys. Holy crap!

Wait. I want to show you something real quick on my good things shelf.

What's our wedding picture doing on my good things shelf?

Anyway, you see this, Paul?

I caught it at the 1978 All-Star game

It ricocheted off Rooney's head and put him in the hospital

It's my lucky ball

Cool

After the game, I got assigned by four of the greatest guys ever to play baseball

Rod Carew, seven-time batting champion

Joe Morgan, two-time National League MVP

Jim Palmer, Three Cy Youngs, and 1978 All-Star MVP

and my favorite Dodger, Steve Garvey.

I wish I had some bobblehead toys.

Hey, man, they're not toys.

They're lifelike replicas of world-class athletes

whose heads just happened to bobble.

Okay, I can see the difference.

And you know what made these guys great, Max,

is that they stood out.

And that's what I want you to understand, son.

It's about being better than the next guy.

But you said it was about teamwork.

Yeah, man, because your mom was around.

I'm not part of a greater machine?

No.

What about what you said about sportsmanship?

Aw, man, forget that, too. It's all about you.

Do you want to get a hit Friday or what?

I want to get a hit, Dad.

I don't care about sportsmanship.

It's all about me!

That's my boy!

All my friends know the lowrider

The lowrider is a little higher

Remember what I said.

Keep your elbow up.

Okay, good cut, good cut.

Just keep your eyes open next time.

Okay, choke up on the bat a little bit.

Okay, keep your feet apart.

Man, just hit the damn ball, man!

Hit it!

Ernie, put in some more quarters.

Hey, why don't we just pitch the quarters to him?

That way, when he misses, we'll still have the money.

Ernie.

Okay, let me show you how it's done, son.

Okay, that's what you were doing.

Hope you saw that,

because that's the last time I'm going to show it to you.

Oh!

That's what I'm talking about!

Somebody brought the big lumber!

Ernie, hit pause for me.

Hey, you know, your dad and I were pretty good back in the day.

They used to call us Batman and Ernie.

Because he was pretty good with a bat,

and, well, as you know, my name's Ernie.

You're really good, Dad.

Max, when I was a boy, baseball was everything to me.

My dad wasn't around, my mom worked.

Baseball was like my family.

Except for the strike in 72, the lockout in 73,

the lockout in 76, the strike in 80,

the strike in 81, the strike in 85,

the lockout in 90, and the strike in 94,

baseball has always been there for me.

That's a good story, Dad

How long are we gonna do this?

All night if we have to

The big game is day after tomorrow

We're gonna stay here till you get this

Do you want it that bad?

I want it

I just can't hit it

I don't wanna hear can't

We're Mexican

Not Mexicants

Come on

Thank you

Attention, batters.

Family Fun World will be closing in ten minutes.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, I mean, I...

I can't believe it's closing.

How come every time I babysit, your dad hides the beer?

There's all this dark stuff in Mr. Needle's ears.

Yeah? Does it smell bad?

Oh.

Oh, it does.

What does that mean?

Oh, it just means that I can still trick you

into smelling things.

Does this taste funny?

Carmen, I can't hit this way.

Pitch to me.

Max, what are you doing?

This is a ball from the shelf

where Dad keeps his dolls.

They're not dolls.

Max, they're dolls.

Dad has tea parties with them when we go to bed.

Another lump of sugar, Mr. Garvey?

Dad said I gotta practice for tomorrow's game.

I thought his lucky ball might help me get a hit.

You know what? You better play with another ball.

I don't have another ball.

I lost some more on the roof.

Can you climb up on the roof and get me one down?

Why, when you have a perfectly good one right here.

Come on, let's go. Let's go. Let's try it, Max.

Here we go.

Whoa-h*!

Hey, I got a hit.

It really is a lucky ball.

Give it up, Mr. Needles.

Mr. Needles?

No, don't chew it!

Don't, Max. No.

Don't ever try to take something out of a dog.

of a dog's mouth.

You see this scar?

This is what my mom did to me when I tried to take something out of a dog's mouth.

Mr. Needles, come on, that's Dad's ball.

Oh, he's gonna k*ll me.

It's gonna be a sad tea party tonight.

Hurry up, Grandma!

I know there's at least one baseball up there.

Dad's gonna be home any minute.

Oh, God, it's like a frisbee graveyard up here.

Uh-oh.

Did you get it?

Uh, Max, did you ever find that little gerbil that ran away?

No. Why?

No reason.

Freedom's not so sweet, is it, Mr. Nibbles?

Hurry up, Grandma!

Oh, hey, hey, I got one.

I got Dad's ball back.

Sort of.

All right, now look, all we got to do

is copy the autographs onto the new ball.

Cormen, you forge the best. You do it.

Hey, you're pretty good at this.

Hey, did George Clooney really sign

that McDonald's napkin you gave me for my birthday?

Yes, and I can get a note from Brad Pitt saying he did.

I hear a car. Here, go, go, go.

Max, what are you doing?

Nothing

Is that my autographed baseball?

I was just looking at it

Max, you know you're not supposed to touch it

This baseball is very important to me

It was signed by Steve Gravy

It's Garby

In Carmen's handwriting it says Gravy

Okay, where's my baseball?

Dad, did I tell you I got an A on my spelling test?

Hey, congratulations. Where's my baseball?

Oh, no.

It's okay, George.

You can still read all the names through the saliva.

Ooh, there's a tooth.

I was practicing like you said,

and Mr. Needles got it and wouldn't give it back.

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm really sorry.

Max, I don't want to hear it. Just go to your room.

But you said I had to get a hit tomorrow.

I didn't want to disappoint you.

Max, I can't even talk to you right now, man.

Just go to your room.

George, it was an accident.

I don't care how it happened.

He knows how important that baseball is to me.

Honey, we can get you another baseball.

But you got to know the only reason he took it

was because you're being so hard on him to practice.

He should be grateful that he has a dad to push him.

I spent hours alone throwing a ball against a garage door.

Nobody cared if I was good or bad.

At least I'm there for him.

Is that what this is about?

You're trying to make up for what your dad didn't do for you?

In a way, yeah.

You know, the first time I made a home run, it felt so great

until I looked up in the stands and realized there was nobody there for me.

And when I got to home plate, the coach said,

that's my boy.

And I cried.

And then when I got to the dugout, the other team's coach said,

you're in the wrong dugout, son.

And I cried some more.

All I'm saying is it hurts not to have a father.

It also hurts to disappoint your father.

Hey, Lopez, look alive.

Who said that?

I did.

Come here. We want to talk to you.

Man, you guys can talk?

Joe, Rod, Steve, Jim.

I haven't seen you guys since you signed my ball.

Remember that day?

Yeah, sure.

You were the kid with the pen and the ball.

I wish I could high-five right now.

You know, George, you're going a little nuts over this ball thing.

Andy's right, George. You're pushing Max way too hard.

It's your own fault.

Hey, I get that from my wife, man. I don't need it from my bobbleheads.

Okay, even if I did push him too hard, that's what a dad's supposed to do.

Otherwise, he'll never be a good player.

Weren't you guys pushed?

Yeah, but we really loved the game.

Does Max even like baseball?

Sure he does.

Well, he likes baking brownies in the shape of baseballs.

Hey, that's how I started.

I've been in a lot of dreams, George.

Yours, Benny's, Angie's.

But I've never been in Max's.

We talked to Barry Bonds, A-Rod, Sammy Sosa, nothing.

Max doesn't dream about baseball.

You're kidding.

You're on deck, George.

Guys, I think I can handle the dream from here.

Get up, George. Get up.

Come on, George.

Get up, get up, get up.

Get up, George.

Get up, yeah.

Get up, George. Get up.

Get up.

I gotta talk to Max.

Stop dreaming about Jim Palmer.

Max, you up?

I couldn't sleep.

I want to talk to you.

I'm sorry about the baseball, Dad.

I feel so bad.

I'll pay you back.

Max, I don't want you to worry about the baseball.

It's not important anymore.

You're what's really important to me.

More important than Carmen?

Watch me.

Carmen is just as important to me as you are.

Have you ever said that to Carmen?

Watch me.

No.

Listen, I want to ask you, do you even like baseball?

It's okay.

Max, you can tell me the truth. I don't care if you play baseball. I don't care if you play any sport.

Then I don't want to play anymore. I just want to hang out with my friends and have fun.

Can I call and sit for tomorrow's game?

Sure you can. I'll call Coach Bobby for you.

And we're gonna celebrate with a steak dinner.

Dad, can I have my own Good Things shelf?

Yes.

Hey, I know what could go up there.

Where's that macaroni picture frame I made for you?

Oh, that's in the back of my Good Things closet.

Come downstairs. I wanna show you something.

What's my wedding picture doing up there?

Now the ball's a different good thing.

And every time I see it, I think of you.

Hey, what's that glass golf ball?

Touch it and I'll k*ll you.

Hope you saw that,

because that's the last time I'm going to show it to you.

Frank!

The ball's way up here!

What?

Hope you saw that,

because that's the last time I'm gonna show it to you.

Dude, how tall do you think I am, man?