01x03 - The Rat to Bear Arms

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sh

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Born in the USA I was born in the USA

now born in the USA I was born

Springstein am I right am I right

Springsteen boy he's the best I've eaten

every one of his records anyway if

you're playing raw concert can I play

two what I'm Felix I know I know Felix

the rat but hey after 300 kids I was

lucky mom and dad gave me a diaper much

less a name hey you want me to help you

clean up I ain't busy or nothing listen

you got any coffee Felix just answer

slowly

what are you doing here jamet sent me

Jam's the greatest him and meia Pals he

wants you to come outside they're

planing some kind of big ra each strike

group should have a guy watching me in

case we got trouble I'm going to be

right over here on the podium with the

president and the king and when he

starts up with that our to great nation

slock that's where we hit the buffet

tables over here what's going on get

throwing a barbecue for some Middle East

Big Shots a barbecue dude ribs ribs no

kidding can I come check this out muggle

Drew up an attack plane we're going to

raid in broad daylight what about the

cats that's the point it's foolproof can

I come jam it huh huh see the only way

for them to get out is through this here

door and I'm going to be watching it

every second I love ribs can I please

huh Felix tell yeah sure sure p boys

let's kick some

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but where's that guy from Felix c town

someplace we let him sh**t dice with us

he brings good stuff and he always loses

step is catching up

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here yo F we having rib for dinner how

about

you hey jam it when we get to the Rose

Garden can I hang with you I ain't never

seen a real king before huh jamet can I

can I do me a favor will you bring up

the rear that's it all the way in the

back yeah yeah sure whatever you say

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pal Butthead has anybody been through

this since the exterminators were here

was the difference they ain't here now I

don't know it just feels creepy I'll be

quiet you're such an old way sometimes J

it feels creepy grow up please get a

little more hair on your

chest look at all of

them when the hell did this happen when

the exterminators were here shut up

looks like we're taking a different

route we'll just backtrack down to the

basement no we

won't whoops it's over we're

meat look at him he's just standing

there sure of course he thinks he has us

they like to play with you before they

snuff you what do you mean he thinks he

has us where are we supposed

to body when I give the word fake to the

left I'm going to pop these two traps

behind me then stay right on my

table we're going up the middle through

that you got another idea hear me right

on my tail damn

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it

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no

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sucker I can't believe you you were

amazing G great death all right

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oh

no

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fix don't be man okay pal i' run up to R

just like you told

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me damn it I can't

move get away from me let me go jam it

no I think get you P he's dead

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already

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anybody want to say a few

words

um I didn't know Felix that well in fact

I didn't know him at all

but well he seemed real nice and

well if I got to know him I I bet I

would have missed

him for in that sleep of death would

Dreams May Come when we have shuffled

off this Mortal coil must give us pause

didn't Hamlet say that not me I think we

should all take a moment to reflect on

how we treat one another I mean life is

so fragile that ah shut up well it's

true I mean why can't we be nicer to

each other does that include the cats

too would you like us to be nice to the

kids jam it what they're pukes big fat

scubby flea bags they have been here 2

months already and what have we done

about it their cats wear rats they're

big we're not what are we supposed to do

we can invite them over listen to a few

records we're supposed to get them

before they get us ma it is called

survival or the fittest somehow I am

going to nail those two cruds and I will

be wearing this when I

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do

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how's it going little

kidy oh fine

thanks hey this isn't the

cafeteria no kidding we got to switch

Vents and take the back route it's safer

this way Secret Service agents how can

you tell normal people don't aim that

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good freaking cats we might as well get

used to them they're not going anywhere

yeah yeah it just kicks me off they can

put a man on the moon but they can't

figure out a way for us to get rid it

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what is

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it jam it

wait Jam

itl outside left Eckles 18-footer good

from out front Adell Eckles with eight

you sure he didn't say where he was

going positive he just ran out the door

I don't like this he's never missed the

ball game

before a buzz off they're up by 16 I've

never seen you worried about your son

before you know you're

right I'm going to bed I must be coming

down with something yo Max I might have

figured out a way to get

even I'm Jim I'm the

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NRA careful what Daddy stolen where the

heck did you get a g*n in the atct I was

up there once and I saw it sitting in a

fancy box it was a gift to President

Johnson from some guy named Jed

goova

you're going to use this on the cats

aren't

you now jamet wait we've got to talk

about this tell you what let me plug

them first and then we'll talk about it

all you

want

that's do it now and later now just hang

on everybody come on we should try and

keep our heads about this I mean there

are other ways we can deal with a cat

yeah like what well how about if we hung

a bell around his neck how about if we

drilled him how about if we blew his

freaking brains out

yeah stop stop

it listen to yourselves you sound like a

l*nch m*b Max is right we need to be

calm and rational Trixie talk to him he

listens to you okay waste the sucker

yeah I waste them yeah right ma no more

hiding behind walles no more getting

knocked around are we men or are we mice

we're mice yeah but we're mice with a

g*n K the cat k*ll the cat k*ll the cat

k*ll the cat k*ll the cat k*ll the cat

k*ll well that was fun they're all crazy

wait a minute this thing's been sitting

in the attic for years maybe it doesn't

work guess there's only one way to find

out have you ever fired a g*n before why

do I look like I know what I'm

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doing

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M we quit doing that

sorry and in Washington the White House

announced that agreement has been

reached on an extensive arms package

that will supply weapons to several

nations in the Persian Gulf region

Administration officials are said to be

quote very pleased with the deal which

will be wrapped up

tomorrow everybody ready yeah

let's see what this baby can do check it

out Have g*n Will

Travel is this cool is this the best now

we can take it anywhere yeah we can move

behind the wall from vent to vent

they'll never know where it is boys we

attack your

dog

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everything

yo what's up homie Mo what is this

nightmare on B Street what happened to

our hole oh your hole's still there it's

just you

ain't hey it's my favorite fuzzy shove

it 12 eyes what' you bring us here for

Mo oh we had to talk and since we don't

seem to be welcome in your neighborhood

fine you want to talk talk fast and we

hear you got a g*n home yeah what about

it but what you going to use it for

stuff he wants to sh**t cats then you

going to get rid of it what's it to you

hey man it's a lot and we don't have a

g*n why should you have a g*n he's right

jamm it isn't fair we all have to live

down here what are you do you win it's

for defensive purposes only dipstick you

think I'd ever want to use it on some

worthless stinking piece of scum like

you I don't know about y'all but I feel

a lot better now I'm out of here well

don't make us get one our own home go

ahead then I'll just get another one an

even bigger

one fine cuz we know where we can get us

a 9 mm fine cuz then we'll get a 38 yeah

well then we'll get a 44 then we get a

357 what comes out the 357 what's the

difference

hurry they went upstairs what they

spotted the cats in the Green Room Jamma

got everybody together and they took the

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g*n the sit

ducks

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jam

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it shh I little busy right now jam it

get off that thing and put it back you e

it put it

back listen to me you stupid

jerk you are talking to a guy with a g*n

you know yeah which you shouldn't be

using they're cats they're supposed to

chase us and we're supposed to run you

can't just sh**t one you'd be messing

with nature so what everybody else does

and I am doing this for all of us that's

a Croc you're doing it because you think

you k*lled

Felix you don't know what you're talking

about you told him to go to the back of

the line and he got caught but it just

would have been somebody else don't you

I said get out of here you little run

you're full of it you hear me no I'm not

you don't want to pull that trigger any

more than I

do Battle Stations

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boys

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what are you doing we have to go

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around

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hey wake up wake

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up get up you jerk come

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on look out out he's got a

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g*n

how do you stop this thing you're the

g*n expert Mr secretary has anyone

involved in this arms deal taking into

consideration the history of conflict in

that particular region of the world of

course we have you seem to be suggesting

that this Administration would provide

weapons to just about

any and in Washington security Personnel

were at a loss to explain a bizarre

incident at the White House where

earlier today the Sultan of brunai was

struck in the face with a chocolate

cream pie the episode took place moments

after the ruler signed a multi-billion

dollar arms agreement with the United

States your first gunfight I am so proud

shut up M thank

you hi look I know you're mad I'll move

out if you want but I was doing what I

thought was right

thanks for not sh**ting the cats yeah

well I was about to only somebody must

have shoved me yeah so what happened to

the g*n we had a ditch it after we ran

into the Secretary of Defense but if I

ever find another one that cat's toast

you got it then they'll just get a

bigger cat then you'll get a bigger g*n

then the roaches will get a bigger g*n

it'll just go on and on jam it it's not

the answer yeah yeah

give py chance save the

whales maybe we could drop a bowling

ball on his head I found this in one of

the mouse traps upstairs I just figured

since Felix is is kind of small for

you it's all mangled goes with your

tail so what do we do with

this

you ready

yeah hey you think they cleaned up all

those cakes and stuff it's worth a stop

can I come Jared huh huh c d can I I

love pies huh

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please