02x08 - Christmas Special: The Virgin Mammy

[bunniefuu]

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to Mrs. Brown's Boys!

Now Grandad, when I give you
the signal

press the button. Alright.

Oh!

Ah. Oh such pain a woman
goes through.

But no pain is too much to
give birth to this special child.

Standby Grandad. Standby.

A child that will change the world.

A child who can..

Press it harder.

A child who can..

A child will need a buckin'
crash helmet.

Mammy, what the hell are you doing?

I'm trying to get this contraption
ready for the virgin birth.

This nativity play has
gone to your head.

Just have the baby appear in the
crib. That's what everybody else
does.

I don't want to do what
everyone else does.

I've watched these nativity plays
over the years.

The one thing they always leave
out is the actual birth. So what?

So what? We go through our lives
being told how Jesus suffered for
our sins.

Not one mention of how Mary suffered
so that Jesus could suffer.

Well not in this nativity play.

You are mad.

No. I am a mother.

Hello.

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas.
We did.

This is a special week.

It's nativity play week.

The hall is booked.
I have my script finished.

I just have to have it passed
by Fr. Damien.

He should be here by now.

Grandad. There's tea there.

Don't you catch anything in
that thing. DOORBELL..

I'll get that Mammy.
That should be Fr. Damien now.

I wasn't sure about him at first.

A bit wishy washy for my liking.

But I have to be honest.
I'm starting to take to him.

Hello Grandad.

Bless him.

Hello Mrs. Brown.
Hello Father.

Sit down Fr. Damien.
Tea? Yes please.

I'll get it Mammy.

Well, there you are. The finished
nativity script. Excellent.

Men are b*stards?

It's just a working title.

Mammy, seriously.

It was a man who wouldn't
give them a room.

And Herod was a man.

And Joseph was a man and he
never booked a room in advance.

Your mother has a point but still,
I think we'll cross it out.

No.

What are you crossing out now?

The shepherd saying, holy sh*t.
Is that a UFO?

Well what would they think it was?
Let's not do this now.

Why don't I take this home, go
through it and we can talk about
it later?

We need to think about a director.
I'm the director.

Mrs. Brown, you're in the play
and you've written the play.

I suppose, yeah.

I think we should have a different
eye on it.

I love the theatre.
I'll direct it Mammy.

You trust me, don't you?
I suppose.

That's a great idea.

We'll direct it together.

Right. I must be off.

I'll get back to you soon on this.
Do Father.

I want this nativity play to be
special. To have love and warmth.

To show just how important the
birth of every baby is.

Get up!

Right. I have to go talk
to the narrator.

Narrator. What narrator?

From the church committee.
Mrs. Nicholson. Hilary!

She's not muscling in on this.
She's very excited.

As you two have triplet
grandchildren in common,

I thought it would lend a family
feel to the whole thing.

Family feel!

I don't know what family you're
talking about, unless it's the Adams
Family.

I'll k*ll you, you b*stard.

Ah-ah!

Don't touch that Grandad.

I'm not sure if this increases
the power or decreases it.

Ah-ah!

I mean it. Don't touch
that trigger.

You could launch me, for God's sake.

Howya Cathy.

Is your mammy about, pet?
In the sitting room, in labour.

What?

Mammy, it's Winnie!
BANG..

Where's Mammy?

Mammy!

^ I told him not to touch
that f*ck' trigger.

Thanks luv.

Oh!

Are you hurt from the baby canon?

No, it's just my wrist is weak.

I used to get that when Jacko
was younger.

It's cramp. It's called w...
Winnie!

It's the Christmas episode.

MOUTHS (I'm sorry).

It's called rheumatism.

You should see Dr. Flynn about that.
There's no point.

He'd just say take paracetamol
and that's that.

What about a homeopath?
Deano?

No Mammy, a homeopathic remedy.
There's lots.

Copper bracelets for instance.
No, I tried that.

It didn't do anything for the pain.
It just turned my wrist green.

My wrist looked like the
incredible hulk's dangler.

Well have you tried magnets?

I'll try and pick you up a couple in
town today. I'd try anything, luv.

I'll see you later so.

Agnes, you see this nativity. Yeah.

Johnny the box collector and Willie
the sweeper from the market

were asking if they could be in it.

You cant just go around giving
out parts like that.

This is my play.

Please. Fine. Tell them
they can be shepherds.

But no more. I mean it. Would you
consider Sharon for the virgin?

Winnie, see them.

They're paracetamol not f***in'
morphine.

Mammy, Fr. Damien asked me to go
through some of the script.

Explain why he wants you to take
stuff out.

Take it out? It took me
ages to write that thing.

Well some of it's not on.
Like what?

Nobody ever called Joseph Joey.

And he was never in a g*ng
called the Nazareth Massive.

You're ripping my story to pieces.

Will you just trust me to go through
it and take out what's absolutely
necessary?

I trust you to do anything, son.
Thanks Mammy.

There's just one more thing.
What?

You can't use the baby canon.

But I'm after getting the feckin'
thing..

I'll go along with the birth
scene but you can't go

launching the baby Jesus
from a canon.

Look what they've done to my song,
Lord.

"Young man required to work
as mud flap.

Must be flexible and willing
to travel".

Here comes trouble.
Hiya Ma.

Have you come to give me
three wishes?

I see you brought Ali Baba with
you as well.

Don't be like that Mrs. Brown.
I might just have the answer to
all your dreams.

Not unless you have Brad Pitt, Matt
Damon and a small pony in that box.

Seriously Ma. Cathy was saying
magnets might help your rheumatism.

Show her Buster.
I already got magnets from Cathy.

Are they working?
Not really.

Well take a look at this.

Jesus, it's huge.

Yeah, it has to be to fit
around a horse's leg.

A horse? Yeah.
It's for a racehorse.

Just think Ma, if it works
for a horse..

It'll work for a cow.

Or a sheep or a goat or
a racing pigeon.

Or even you Mrs. Brown.

Right. I'll leave with you.

On the usual 30 day money back deal.
What did you say?

I mean Happy Christmas Mrs. B..
Don't even think about it.

That's what I thought you said.

One more thing. I got that
off a jockey friend of mind.

The only thing he wants in return
is to be in the nativity play.

Okay, tell him he can be a shepherd.
He'll love that.

He used to work in a newsagents.

Jesus, I think I can feel a bit
of relief from that already.

Cathy! Cathy!
What the hell!

Call Dermot, quick.
Go get him!

Right. Thanks.

Well? It needs a key and the vet
is away for the New Year.

That's a week.

Will you manage for a week?

I suppose I'll just have to cope
with one hand behind my back.

It's not funny.
It is a bit.

Your ma looks like a Swiss Army
knife.

Very good.

Dermot, what have you got me
for the donkey?

That's a zebra, not a donkey.
She has a point, luv.

How do you know it wasn't
a zebra in the bible?

He has a point, luv.

Because it says in the bible,
a donkey.

Anyway, zebras live in
Southern Africa.

Well maybe this zebra is lost.

It's the best I could do.
I might be able to get a camel.

No, no. Zebra is fine.
For God's same. A zebra is not fine.

If it comes to a choice between a
donkey in pyjamas and a donkey with
a hump, I'll take the pyjamas.

As they say, donkey is in
the eye of the beholder.

So what have you got for the
stable animals, a polar bear!

Were you looking in my bag?

Ma. Yes luv.

You have me in here as one
of the kings. No son.

I have you in as the main king.
The main king.

What am I in it Agnes?
Mary Magdalene.

That's great.

Is she in the nativity?

I thought she wasn't in the
story for years.

Just in case Winnie, stay well
in the background.

Well, well. It's all stations
go in here. Yes it is Father.

Trevor, you're the innkeeper.
Go try on your stuff.

What about me Mrs. Brown?
What Father?

What am I in the play?
Oh, I had you down as the narrator.

But you gave that part away,
didn't you.

To Hilary.

Maria luv. Is your mother coming
over for a fitting?

No Mrs. Brown. She said she
has her own costume organised.

Has she?

God knows what that'll feckin' be.

b*tch.
Who is?

Hilary. She's out there like
feckin' Cleopatra.

You never have an asp when you
need one.

It was over 2,000 years ago and the
world was in a awful state
altogether.

I didn't write this.

In the small village of Nazareth,

lived a young virgin.

Hey!

Her name was Mary.

She lived a simple life until one
night a wondrous, magical thing
happened.

An angel of the Lord appeared
to her.

> Oh sh*t. I'm on fire!

Oh wondrous being, who are you
and what do you want?

I'm burning.
What do you buckin' want?

I am the angel Michael and
I come with a message from above.

You are with child and it is
a very special child.

But this cannot be for
I am a virgin.

Hey!

You will bear this child.
A child of the Holy Spirit.

Really, I'm burning.

Thanks.

How can this be for I am..

Look Mrs. Just have the kid
and move on. It's in the script.

Curtain!

Buster, be more professional.

Mammy! Let's just move on.

Get to Bethlehem.

Where the f*ck is Bethlehem?

Get the f*ck back here.

And it came to pass that some time
later a census was called and

a pregnant Mary and her husband
Joseph had to go to the town of
Bethlehem to register.

Where's the donkey?

Winnie, f*ck off.

Where's the feckin' donkey?

Mammy, Deano's not here yet.
Can we wait?

No, the show must go on.

It was a busy time.

It was difficult to find.

Mammy, who'll play the front half?
Grandad. Put that on.

They went up the mountains
and down the mountains.

And still they could find
nowhere to stay and then

they came across an inn.

(FART)

Oh Grandad! Oh my God!

Oh look, it's an inn.

Shall we try here?

Who is it dear?

It is a man, a pregnant
woman and a half a donkey zebra.

Ah for Christ's sake.
I've had enough.

My husband is just gone
to park the donkey.

Do you have a double room?

The bridal?
No, we're going bareback.

CATHY: This is a mess.
f*ck' curtains.

One little fart.

Mammy, stop!

Just move things along.

Get the angel ready.
I don't want to do this any more.

There was no room at the inn
but there was a stable at the back,

so Mary and Joseph went there
to spend the night.

In the meantime in a field close by,
some shepherds are tending their
flock.

Baa!

When they are approached by
three kings.

We are three kings.

Higher. Mammy.
Get ready for the angel.

^ (BANG)

We're following an angel.

Oh look, there he is now.

Glorious angel, fly on and
we shall follow.

Angel! Fly on and we shall follow.

Curtain! Curtain!

The shepherds then asked the kings
if they too could come to see

this baby that was the Son of God.

The kings said, sure pal.
No bother.

Come on, it's the big birth scene.
Everybody get ready.

Maria, I thought you said the
triplets were too sick to be here.

They are. So what are we doing
for the baby Jesus?

Betty? I don't know. Your mother
said she had it sorted.

I'll go try and find a baby.

In the stable behind the inn,
with Mary surrounded by animals,

the baby was about to be born.

Oh Lord, your son is
about to be born.

He's coming.

He has arrived.

Jesus Christ.

What a wonderful name.
We shall call him that.

Curtain!

Mammy. What the hell are you
doing. Grandad!

I had to improvise.
The show must go on.

Everybody get ready for
the visit of the kings.

Mammy. What?

This is your last chance.

If anything else gets weird
I am taking over.

We will do it my way.
Weird. Don't be ridiculous.

Grandad, get into that crib.

> Hilary.

> Hilary, take it.

> Hilary. For God's sake.

Soon the angel stopped and
hovered over the stable.

And the three kings arrived.

We were led here by the glorious
angel.

Sorry Ma.

We were led here by the glorious
angel.

Ah, this is cutting the nuts off me.

We were guided by this angel
who hovers above the stable.

Ah sh*t.

To see the child Christ,
He who will unite all men

and bring peace on this earth.

Really? Uhuh.

Well here he is.

But first I must breastfeed him.

ALL: Curtain! Curtain!

Mammy. What?

Have you gone mad?
It's perfectly natural.

That's it Mammy.
You're off the set.

Excuse me. This is my show.
No Mammy. It's the family's show.

Sharon, get out there and
talk to them. And be nice.

Maria. Let's do it the
way we planned.

Planned? Betty. Get Bono
and his friends ready.

And Betty, you're the Virgin Mary.

No, I'm the Virgin Mary.
Mammy, out.

Okay everybody, places.

Everybody. Shush.

Shut up!

We hope you enjoyed the warm-up.
Now for your pleasure..

Hey! Where are you going?
Sit! Sit!

The Nativity according to
The Brown Family and friends.

♪ A spaceman came travelling
on a ship from afar.

♪ 'Twas light years of time
since his mission did start.

♪ And over a village
he halted his craft

♪ and it hung in the sky
like a star.

♪ Just like a star.
Beautiful.

Well, it's..

♪ The stranger spoke and
he said do not fear.

♪ I come from a planet
a long way form here.

♪ And I bring a message
for mankind to hear.

♪ And suddenly the sweetest
music

♪ filled the air.

♪ It went la-la-la-la
la-la-la.

♪ La-la-la-la
la-la-la.

♪ La-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la-la.

♪ Peace and good will to all men

♪ and love for the child.

♪ La-la-la-la
la-la-la-la-la-la.

I'm so sorry.

♪ Peace and good will to all men.

♪ And love for the child.

Oh Betty, you were brilliant
as the Virgin Mary.

Yeah. Did you do it from memory?

You must have a marvellous
memory, it being so long ago.

Get lost you two.

Mammy, put the kettle on!

I don't think she's in there Cathy.

Actually I haven't seen
her since we got back.

She has to be in there.

Mammy!

Mammy.

And on that night which seemed
like a very ordinary night,

a very extraordinary
thing was happening.

A young woman giving
birth to a child.

A child that would change
this world forever.

And she would cherish Him
all of His short life.

She would worry for Him,
care for Him

and follow His every footstep
through this troubled world.

And He would perform miracles,
preach to the elders of the church,

let the blind see and
the lame walk.

And all of the time,
she would simply worry.

Has he changed his underwear today.

I would've been a great Mary.