05x04 - Easy Rider Mammy

[bunniefuu]

Previously... Your mother was
in a car accident this afternoon.

Oh, my God, is she all right?

She has no injuries.

She was lucky.
Luckier than the pedestrian.

She's been taken to hospital,
unconscious.

And now you have to tell
the injured woman's family.

Mark, about that...

STEADY BEEPING

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid

I'm going to have to turn
the machine off.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

CONTINUOUS BEEP

MRS BROWN CACKLES

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown
Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown
Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

She's gone.

AUDIENCE GROANS

GROANS

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Mammy! She's alive!

ALL EXCLAIM

CHEERING

Yes, I-I think I got her back!

Your mother was never
in any danger.

The tests showed that,
at the worst,

we could expect a herniated disc,

affected in the nucleus pulposus
and the lumbar vertebra.

Exactly.

But you said you had
to switch off the machine.

That's the coffee machine,

it makes
the most horrendous noise.

Touch that coffee machine,
Dr Jekyll,

and you'll be dealing
with Mrs Hyde

and the fists of fury.

Where am I? You're in the hospital,
Mrs Brown.

What? Why? What happened?

AUDIENCE: Ohh...

Right, well, I'm off.

Take me home, Sharon.

I'm driving.

Now, get me out of this stuff
and get me home.

Not so fast, Mrs Brown,
doctor's orders -

you need to stay in overnight
for observation.

She's right, Mammy.

Er, Cathy, would you mind staying
and doing some paperwork?

But the rest of you have to go,
she needs rest.

We got such a fright, Mammy.

Really?

Everybody was even starting
to talk

about their happy memories
of Mammy.

So, what were yours?

What?

Your happy memories.

Oh, they were...

Yeah?

Well, you know...

Go on, yeah.

That time we went...

Er, Cathy, would you mind doing
that paperwork now?

Oh, I'm on my way.

She's so good.

I don't remember

any buckin' happy times with her.

Mrs Brown will be home soon.

I'll bet you're looking forward
to it.

Yeah, I can't wait, Father.

CHUCKLES

Gobshite.

Grandad is so excited
about Agnes coming home.

Really?

Yes. I'm a bit excited myself.

HORN TOOTS

That's them. She's here.

DERMOT: Come on, Mammy,
slowly does it.

MRS BROWN: I'm going slow.

Just get your leg over there.

That's not the first time
you've done THAT.

Shut up, you.
Here, let me help you.

Get your hand off my arse! Sorry.

I got Mammy a mobility scooter.

She's embarrassed about using it

so don't make a big deal about it,
OK?

Keep her coming,
keep her coming...

Keep her coming.

Left a bit, left a bit.
That's it. Keep...

LOUD CRASH

MEOW!

Hold it there!

Back her up, back her up!

REVERSING ALARM

OK, straighten.

OK, slowly,

just put your hand
on the accelerator.

Slowly, that's it.

Come on, come, OK.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

Jesus, Jesus!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

SOFTLY: I'm home!

I'm not happy about
this scooter thing, Dermot.

Look at me, Dermot, I'm driving!

You're doing great, Ma.

This is fantastic.

I'm going to pimp me ride.

Please be careful, Mammy.

Cathy, look at me, I'm free!

Does she need a licence
for that thing?

No! Should she not at least be
wearing a helmet, Dermot?

Will you relax? She's fine.

Yeah, Cathy, relax, will you?

You're k*lling me buzz.

Cathy, that scooter has all
the latest safety technology.

It's almost uncrashable.

CRASH!

MRS BROWN WAILS

You all heard me - I said "almost".

I'm fine! I'm fine!

I'm telling you, Dermot,
she has no control

over that thing.

WHIRRING

It's an accident
waiting to happen.

Somebody is going to get...
I need to talk to youse all.

Jesus, Mammy!

LAUGHTER
REVERSING ALARM

Youse have all been very kind.

And I thank you.

Now, I think my recovery's
going to be a short one.

Oh...

But I can't do very much
so I'm going to need a lot of help.

With the house, you know.

And with Grandad.

Well, Ma,
it's great to have you back.

But I have to get into work.

Lift, Cathy?

Yeah, us too.
Come on, Buster, let's go.

Dermo, what about the surprise?

Oh, yeah,
we got you a surprise, Ma.

Really? What is it?

You'll see. Come on, Buster.

Goodbye now, Father.

Right.

Before I leave, Mrs Brown,
I'm delighted to tell you

that the church council
of volunteers

have decided to appoint
a home help to you

until you're mobile again.

Oh, thank you, Father,
cos I can't do very much.

I understand.

Take your time recovering.

Oh, and we've a special section
at Mass for mobility scooters.

Oh, that's nice.

AUDIENCE: Ohh!

Oh, a cup of tea.

Hi, Agnes!

Oh...

Is that you, Winnie?

Agnes, what are you doing, love?

Winnie, I've been here
for half an hour.

Oh, Jesus.

I tried to get over
to the teapot,

but I can't get back.

Nonsense, Agnes,
come on, let me help you.

Thanks, Winnie.

You're supposed to be
taking it easy.

I don't want to be a burden
to anyone.

It's all my fault.
Oh, now, now.

Yeah, yeah, you...

Look, I'll see you later, love.
See you, Winnie.

Winnie, would you put me bin out
on your way out?

Oh, Agnes, that's very heavy.

Yeah, I wouldn't ask you,
except it's...

..your fault.

CACKLES

What's this?

The President's Kama Sutra...?

Hey...

GASPS

Hello.

Listen to this.

"Feeling the warmth
of his breath on my neck

"caused me to melt.

"His hand moved gently over...
my quivering stomach.

"While his fingers
playfully tugged at my...

"..ear lobe"?

Feck's sake.

"He looked me in the eyes...

"..and whispered..."

GRUFF VOICE: Agnes?

Yes, Mr President?

Agnes!What the feck do you want?!

My hairbrush got tangled.

Can't you see I'm busy
over here getting f*ndled?

CATHY: Mammy,
did you take my book again?

N-No.

Stay where you are,
party's over.

I can't find it anywhere!

Well, I'll have a look for it.

GRUNTS

Luc hasn't got it, no,

Ewen hasn't got it.

Wait a minute...

Ewen!

You baldy...

No, none of the cameramen have it.

Though I think,
from listening to me,

they do have an erection.

CRASH!

Oh, Cathy, here it is
in the...in the kitchen.

Thanks, Mammy!

No problem.

I'll never get to finish
this buckin' book.

Hiya, Agnes.

Hello, girls! Hi, Agnes.

Where youse off to?

Down the village,

to get you a "sorry" card.

Winnie, enough is enough.

I forgive you.

Well, how else can I tell you
how sorry I am?

Try cash.

CHUCKLING

Anyway, Birdie wants to go
and have a coffee.

Here, I'll get you a coffee here,
I'll make...

Oh, no, no, Agnes.

Wash & Blow got a fancy new
coffee machine installed

and they're complimentary.

You can't just walk in off
the street and get a coffee.

Want a bet?

She's been going there
all week, Agnes.

Here, what's this?

Oh, Winnie, it's a book
about a KGB agent, right,

who's trying to seduce
the President's wife.

Oh...!Now, as it turns out,

the President's wife is
a bit of a bike anyway.

I'll stop you there, Agnes,
that does nothing for me, love.

Well, it does for me, I tell ya.

That book is a real knee-knocker.

If I could feel me knees
after me spinal injury.

Jesus, Mammy, Grandad's badly in
need of a haircut.

I know, he's like
Gandalf the Grey in there.

You dirty b*tch!

Are you all right there?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Can I borrow this?

No, I'm only halfway through
the feckin' thing.

And I'm not even finished it.

That's my novel
for our book club, Mammy.

DREAMLIKE MUSICAL FLOURISH

Barbara!

How are you, Mrs Brown?
Hello, Barbara.

I don't have you booked in
for today.

No, no, it's not me,
it's Grandad needs a trim.

No, Mrs Brown.

He wrecked the salon last year
trying to escape.

I promise you, he'll be on his best
behaviour this year. Won't you?

Yeah, yeah.

I promise, when we leave here,
the place is gonna be spotless.

OK.

Come on, then, Grandad.

Thank you, Barbara.

Help yourselves to coffee, ladies.

I'm first!

Agnes, darling!

Oh, shite.

Hello, Hidily.
Hello, Maria, love.

Hello, Mrs Brown. Great news.

The church volunteers have
approved you for a home help

two days a week.
Is that Wednesday and Friday?

Well, actually Monday
and Thursday suit me best.

AUDIENCE: Ohh...!

Suits YOU? Mm.

Yes. I'm it, I'm your home aid.

Aren't you lucky?

You're so good
for volunteering, Mother.

Isn't she, Mrs Brown?

Yes, I was just thinking that...

That's nice.

Excuse me, Mrs Brown.
Mother, I won't be long, I just

want to have a word with Barbara
before we go to the shops.

Oh, you take as long as you like,
Maria,

I'll just be sitting here

catching up with my favourite
home-help client

and a beautiful lady.

That's a lovely thing to say,
Hilliary, thank you very much.

I was talking
about the President's wife.

I walked into that one, didn't I?

You really did.

Morning, all!

Hello, Father Damien.
What brings you in?

You know me, Mrs Brown,
just doing the Lord's work.

The usual, Father? Please, Birdie.

Mocha frappuccino.

Ooh! Could I get one of those?
But with an extra shot.

From a r*fle.

Hidily, it's not Starbucks.

I've got a mocha frappuccino here

for Demon.

Thank you, Birdie.

Well, what's this, Father?

Oh, I have to proofread
the parish newsletter

before it goes to print.
This will be the final edition.

What the devil
are you babbling about?

It's gotten too expensive
to produce.

But, to be honest,
my heart isn't in it -

I don't think anyone even reads
the newsletter any more.

I do. I look forward to it
every week.

CLATTERING

Grandad!

Grandad!

Mrs Brown, Grandad escaped - again.

I saw. I'm on me way, hang on.

Sorry, excuse me,

sorry, sorry.

REVERSING ALARM

Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Oh, shite!

Oh, sorry, Winnie,
sorry, sorry.

I don't know what's wrong
with this feckin' thing.

APPLAUSE

Barbara!

I found this outside.

Waste not, want not, love.

REVERSING ALARM

I've been thinking
about that newsletter all day.

Me too. Me too.

Nope.

Father Damien, sit down.

Father, you really have to keep
the newsletter going.

I'm afraid I can't.

But how are we going to know
what's happening in the parish?

You could come to Mass.

CACKLES

Father, this is no time
for jokes. Seriously!

Agnes is right.

Parochial communication is
essential for the betterment

and elaboration
of a community's consciousness.

As a member of the community,
I need to be kept in the loop.

That's what I said.

Yeah, but I said it
in buckin' English.

Father, you must do everything
in your power

to keep that newsletter going.

I want to, but I just can't see

how to make it
financially viable.

You could sell advertisements
to local business,

that'd help pay for the printing.

Oh, excellent, Agnes.

And to improve readership,

you should ask somebody local
to write

some interesting articles
that would keep people interested.

That's a great idea.

Yes. Er, somebody
the community looks up to.

Exactly. It would need to be someone
of importance,

someone who has
interesting things to say...

All right, I'll do it.

Thank you, Mrs Brown.

Oh, now, hold on a moment, Father!

I'll start approaching
local businesses.

No, no, no, no, Father,
hold on a second!

Seriously?!

Gobshite.

INTERNALLY: "I gazed
in astonishment.

"It was so much larger
than my husband's.

"Reaching out
with a trembling hand,

"I grasped hold
of his massive...

"..nose"?!

I know, Father,

I was expecting c*ck as well.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How is she, Dr Flynn?

CRACK!

Er, progressing nicely.
Nothing to worry about.

Oh, Cathy,

I've got a lovely bottle of red
for tonight.

Really? I can't wait.

Why? What's tonight? Book club.

It's my turn to host.

Oh, spare me now.

Cup of tea, Father? No, thank you,
Mrs Brown.

DOOR CLOSES

I just called in

to collect your article
for the parish newsletter.

I haven't even started it, Father.

We need something, Mrs Brown,
and soon.

The printers are waiting,

and I've already lined up
four advertisers.

I can't think of anything to write.

How about a diary

on your day-to-day life
living in Finglas?

No, we more or less have that
covered

in the TV series.

Hey, Ma, what about writing

about the dangers
of mobility scooters?

Shut up!

I know what I'll write.

I'll write about the tradesmen
in Finglas

who can't shut the buck up.

Ha-ha.

Well, you've carte blanche,
Mrs Brown.

I beg your pardon?

I mean you can write
whatever you like.

I'm sure you'll come up
with something - you always do.

Thanks very much, Father.

You've been no buckin' help.

All right, Agnes,

I've made the bed,
I've vacuumed the hall,

the stairs, the landing,
I've washed out the bath

and I've unblocked
the downstairs loo.

So, I think that's everything.

That's it. Yes.

Except for, um,

the washing.

OK. Where is it?

It's in the utility room
in the back.

Right.

WAILS: Oh, for goodness' sake!

Oh... Oh...!

CACKLES

Now, Hidily, don't go mad
with the ironing,

just don't iron the tea towels.

How many tea towels are there?

Two.

Goodbye, Hilliary. Thank you very
much, you're very kind.

Mr President, I'm back!

You don't mind me hosting
book club here, Mammy, do you?

I couldn't give a shite,

but I'll take that book off you
when you finish it.

You can have it now.
I finished it earlier.

Oh, lovely,
that's my evening sorted.

You're really enjoying it,
aren't ya?

Oh, er, I love the way
the author builds the suspense

but without rushing, you know,

and the evocative prose he uses

and the thought-provoking themes.

Wow, Mammy.

And there's loads of hooring
in it, I love that.

You'd love book club, you know.

Cathy,
I don't need to read a book

or join the club
to make friends.

Well, there's always
plenty of scandal.

Really? Yeah, Mammy,

and you do love
a bit of scandal.

Well...

Yeah, I do, Yes, I do.

Oh, Mammy!

We've got a surprise for you.

Ta-da!

Where's me chair?

This is your new chair, Mrs Brown.

I don't want a new chair,
Buster Brady.

Well, Ma, you will like this one.

I got it second hand
but it's working fine.

I hate it.

WHIRRING

I love it.

There you go. Thanks, pet.

Sugar, Agnes?

REVERSING ALARM

Writer's block, they call it.

Mm.

REVERSING ALARM

Lovely.

No biscuits, Agnes? No?

REVERSING ALARM

And then Cathy told me
about the book club.

Mm-hm?

CHUCKLES

REVERSING ALARM

That's when it struck me.

I'm going to write
a gossip column.

Do you know? I'd read that, Agnes.

Everybody would.
Isn't Cathy very good,

letting you into her book club
to get all the goss?

No, no, I'm not telling Cathy.

No, I'm going to go undercover.

Like Boris Dildenski.

Who's he?

He's the spy in the book.

Oh...
He walks in the shadows,

and he travels the world silently.

Oh...And he uses a wire
to gather information.

What's a wire?

In the spy business, we call it

a bug.

And where would you get
one of those, Agnes?

I don't know. Mm...

But I think I know somebody
who might.

Buster Brady.

Buster?

Hello.

Call me Karlos with a K.

Why a K?

Cos I'm a special agent, get it?

No.

Special K.

I need a listening device
to secretly record people.

I have just the thing.

A 4K digital microphone,
made in Mexico,

the hub of the tech industry.

Is it discreet? Nobody'll suspect
a thing, Mrs Brown.

Don't call me Mrs Brown.

Call me...Marietta.

Nobody'll suspect a thing, Marietta.

It's hidden in the rim of a hat.

CLATTERING

Hello.

Is this it?

No, it's rubbish,
just put it in the other bin.

PANTS

And, silently,
she vanished into the night.

CACKLES QUIETLY

REVERSING ALARM

LOUD CRASH

DOG BARKS

QUIET CHATTER

You all right, Mammy?

Si, senorita!

Are we going to talk about the hat?

What hat?

Oh!

I saw this in Vogue,

they're going to be
all the rage this season.

Testes, one, two,

testing, uno, dos,
uno, dos, tres.

Right, are we starting or what?

Yes.

So, what's everyone's opinion
of the book this week?

Well, I thought it was...

Terrible. A tedious read
that failed to capture my interest

or deliver any meaningful substance.

Yeah, it was muck,
but in a good way.

Were we all reading the same book?

I thought it was fabulous.

Yeah, but Mrs Brown, did you buy
into the relationship

between the two protagonists?

Yes! You know, he was handsome,

she was horny. Works for me.

Seriously, Mammy, at one stage
they made love in a coal shed.

Who does that?

Yes.

Me and your father, Cathy.

Every Tuesday night
after the darts.

She's kidding.

I'm not kidding.

How do you think
your father got the black lung?

OK, let's get back to it.
The President's Kama Sutra.

Well, it was a piece of trash,

not worth the paper
it was written on, too dirty.

What's it called again?

Hilliary, I saw you reading it,
you were loving it.

Well, I gave it every chance.

Seriously, the book,
what's it called?

Father Damien, you loved it.

And what about you, Dr Flynn?

Oh, well, yes, I-I do take
Mrs Nicholson's point but...

Well, that's that, then.

Review over.

We've only just started.

So, did you hear the rumour?

Scratch that.

What, what, what, what rumour?

Well, one of the local policemen is

moonlighting as a stripper.

AUDIENCE MEMBERS WOLF WHISTLE

- No!
- I wouldn't mind booking HIM!

Hold on, Sharon.

COUGHS

Testes, one, two.

- Say that again.
- I wouldn't mind booking HIM.

Yes, I've heard
you like a man in a uniform.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, for God's sake.

REVERSING ALARM

Nothing, it's just a rumour.

Can youse all not talk
at the same time?

I'm not on wheel...

No, well, I am on wheels.

I-I can't be
in two places at one time.

Now, look,
just for clarity, Maria,

you were talking about
Garda Fergusson, am I right?

Well... I heard a very salacious
story at my surgery the other day.

Hold it!

BEEPING

MOTOR SLOWS AND STOPS

Feck's sake.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Mrs Brown!

You're walking!

Oh, my God, I can walk!

I can walk!

It's a miracle!

It's a "miracaley"!

It's a miracle.

Amazing!

Oh, my God.

I don't have to clean!

I cured her! Again!

That's nice.

# Cucaracha, cucaracha

# La-la la-la la-la-la. #

I can't believe
you let us believe you were...

Let you believe?!

I was in pain 24/7.

I don't know
how I didn't give up.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

Well, you're all right now.

So, we can get rid
of that scooter.

You can get rid of the scooter
but I'm keeping me chair.

WHIRRING

CRUNCH!
MECHANISM ROARS

Argh!

Ah!

Oh...

Who has the TV remote?

Ugh...

Put on the football, Dermot.

And what would the world be like
without the odd miracle, eh?

Believe it or not,
when I crashed into that table,

it fixed me back!

CACKLES

Oh, I didn't do the gossip column.

No, I did a review of this.

Huge readership. Huge!

You know, my mother used to say,

"People who listen to gossip

"will eventually hear bad
about themselves."

Mm.

Did I tell you
about Father Damien

and the dead sheep?

No, I shouldn't.

Goodnight.

# Say hello
to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all
she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching
all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never
let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown
Agnes... #

Goodnight!

# That's Mrs Brown
Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

MRS BROWN CACKLES