03x26 - Mammy's Mickey

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown
Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown
Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Oh, hello.
Come in, come in, come in!

Well, it's a new year
and a new start...

CHUCKLES WRYLY

I don't know what it is,

but I'm feeling very positive
about this year.

People are just bursting to go.
Yeah.

There's an excitement in the air.

People want to run, drive, fly,

well, wherever they want,
and who can blame them?

I made my New Year's resolution
at midnight.

Yeah. I got a lift home by a jockey.

He said, "I think I'm a bit small
for you. I said,

"No, you're just the right height."

I...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

My...my... Stop. Stop!

My... My New Year's resolution
was I gave up alcohol.

Longest seven minutes
of my bucking life.

I got so drunk after it,

I threw up at the front door

all over the cat.

Bleurgh!

The cat went, "Meow...!"

I'm thinking, "I don't remember
bucking eating HIM."

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, Winnie, and Happy New Year.

Is it but?

WINNIE SIGHS

What?

Is it a happy new year?

Here's the mother of sorrows.

I mean, everyone's going around
saying, "It's a new year, hurrah,"

but nothing's changed for me, Agnes.

Look, Winnie, as the great Greek

philo, philo-soffler, erm,

Pele...Dumont...

Pele said,

"If you want to change,
fly over the cuckoo's nest."

What? Look, it doesn't really
translate that well from

the Portuguese,
but basically what it means is,

if you're sitting round
thinking about

"Oh, what will I do with me life?"

get up off your arse
and do something about it.

You're right, Agnes.
I need to do something. Exactly.

Where would I get a self-help book?

Winnie, if I told you that,

it would defeat the purpose.

CHUCKLES

You're right, sorry.

Father McBride says I don't do
enough around the parish.

What does he want you to do?
I don't know.

I mean, last week alone I blessed
the new fire engine at the station

AND heard confessions on
three different days.

Oh, here, you won't believe what
I heard about Tina Pippin.

What did she tell you? Trevor!

You wouldn't want me to break the
seal of confession. Of course not.

Good.

Has she been stealing again?

No. She's pregnant.

I heard that.
No-one knows who the father is.

I do.

No. Don't tell me. It's not right.

You're right. Mum's the word.

Joey from the garage?

IMITATES WRONG ANSWER BUZZER

Good. Anyway, it's private.

Even Tina's guaranteed
the seal of confession.

Absolutely.

There was a m*rder in the flats
last night.

A man was beaten to death
with a fish.

Really? Who would do that?

They think it was Jack the Kipper.

That's a good one!

Tommy Kelly's the father.
It has to be him.

Nope.

Gerry Jones.

No way! But he's married.

I know. #
Dun dun-dun, duh duh! #

A good start would be to get
a new skill.

A new skill? Yes.

I don't have any old skills.

Yes, you do, Winnie.

For God's sake,
don't be putting yourself down.

Well, like what?

Well, I've seen you're very agile.

I've seen you doing those splits
over the candle

at the Christmas party.

I don't know how you did that.

Did you ever find that candle?

No.

No.

And you're good at the, er,
the, er...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It is I, Mother.

Good morrow, Mrs McGoogan.

Get out of me way, son!

I have a life to live!

What the hell is going on there?

Winnie's woke.

So, who are you supposed to be?

Seriously? Who'd you think?

I don't know.

Guess.

I don't bucking know.

Have a guess.

Kim Kardashian.

No. Shakespeare.

Oh! I'm promoting

the Finglas Shakespeare Festival.
Starts next week.

Ah, hello there, Shakespeare.

See?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How are yous?

Oh, good Puck.

Language, Mammy!

No, no, no. It's Buster.

He's Puck.

Oh, right. Very nice, Buster.

Thanks, Cathy.

So, Dermot, what's the motto
of the festival this year?

Ssss.

I hope there's no Ss in it

cos you know
the way your lisp goes.

I don't have a lisp.

What?

Shades of the Bard.

"Come see Shakespeare's sonnets,
soliloquys and serenades

"performed shuperbly
in St Saviour'sh,

"Saturday and Sunday."

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

PHONE RINGS

I'll get that.

Sorry, Trevor.

Hey, Trev. Welcome home.

Hey, I didn't even hear you come
in last night!

Yeah. The flight was late
getting in.

Hello? How do-do-do?

Hello, Lilly!

How's everybody in Liverpool?

So, Buster,
do you know any Shakespeare?

I do, Cathy.

CLEARS THROAT

Toby or not Toby.

That is the restroom.

The weather is no good.

Surfing the spring

and the Red Arrows to perform.

End scene.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What is it, Mammy?
Who was on the phone?

Your Aunt Lilly in Liverpool.

Lilly the pink? Yes.

Uncle Mickey's after
getting out of prison.

He's on the ferry on his way here.

You're kidding me.

Oh, no, not Uncle Mickey.

Who's Uncle Mickey?

I thought he was doing five years
for, you know, the scam.

We all did.

Seriously, who's Uncle Mickey?

Who's going to tell Grandad
his brother Mickey is out of prison?

Who's going to tell him that
he's coming HERE? I'll tell him,

if someone would tell me
who Uncle Mickey is.

Have you ever heard
of the Railroad k*ller?

Yeah.

Well, it's not him. Oh, right.

This is not going to end well.

We just want to have
a little chat with you, Grandad.

I'm dying, aren't I?

That's it, I'm dying.

No, no.

It's not about that, Grandad.

Yes, you will die,
but not today, unfortunately.

Ugh. Mammy, please.

It's GOOD news, Grandad.

Well, that depends.

Mammy, it IS good news.

Well, yeah.

What is it?

Your brother, Mickey,
he's out of prison.

Yes! That's great news!

Oh, I've been praying for that.

Really, Grandad -
you've been praying?

Well, no, not really.

Oh, I need to make arrangements

to get over to Liverpool
and see him.

You needn't bother.
He's on his way here to Dublin,

he'll be here tomorrow.

Of course he's coming home.

He needs to see his big brother.

He needs something, as usual.

Every time that man shakes...

..shakes my hand...

..I always feel like he's pumping
money out of me purse.

You never liked Mickey,

and you have this idea
that he's a bad egg.

Well, Agnes, you're wrong.

Well, you know what they say,
Grandad.

If it walks like a duck
and smells like a duck,

it's probably Mickey Brown.

Yeah.

Where you going?

I'm going up to get the spare room
ready for Mickey.

I did not say he could stay here.
Mammy, please. Stop.

Fine. Get the room ready.

Yes!

Mammy, I know Uncle Mickey has been
difficult in the past.

Difficult? Mr Charmer.

He's a good for nothing,

layabout, lying conman,

and the person he's conned most
in life is your grandfather.

I'll go help Grandad get
the room ready.

You know, people change, Mammy.

Everyone deserves a second chance.

I agree.

But Mickey Brown is on his tenth
second chance.

Agnes?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I've found me thing.

Oh, good. Well, when you scratch it,
make sure you don't do any damage.

Me thing. The thing that's
going to help me be the change.

What is it?

Skydiving.

They say it's going to be
the thrill of me life.

Yeah. Do you know what else they say
about skydiving?

If at first you don't succeed,

no bucking refunds.

APPLAUSE

Ah, thanks very much, Sharon.

Here, I believe Mickey Brown
is out of jail, and coming home.

So I hear.
That's great. I like Mickey.

So I hear.

Thanks, Sharon.

Thanks.

All right, Barbara.

Here, Mrs Brown, when are Rory
and Dino coming back from China?

I don't know, love, why?

Wash & Blow has been closed all
year and I need to do some work.

I know. Look, Barbara,
leave it with me all right?

I'll TickeyTockey the boys tonight

and see what's happening.

You'll be putting up two of them
tomorrow night.

Yes. I heard the news. I'm looking
forward to seeing your brother.

Ah, he's a real gentleman.

He's a b*stard.

I can't believe Uncle Mickey has
the cheek to come back here.

Last time he conned Grandad
out of 500 quid.

Grandad says it was an investment.

Investment? Yeah, sure it was.

Well, all investments carry a risk.
Maybe it wasn't HIS fault.

That man never took responsibility
for anything in his life.

Responsibility comes in many forms.

Ha. Says the man who ran off to
the missions,

leaving his brothers
with all the problems.

What's that supposed to mean?

Hey, you two. Don't be getting
into that stuff here.

What do you mean, THAT stuff?

Well... Nothing. Doesn't matter.

Well, this stuff has obviously been
discussed before,

so I'll leave yous to it.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Seriously, Dermo,
who is Uncle Mickey?

Shut up, Buster.

Kilimanjaro.

Who?

Not "who", Mammy, "what".

Kilimanjaro is a mountain in Africa.

That's right, Cathy,
and I'm going to climb it.

Pfft!

Winnie, you can't climb up
the stairs on a bucking bus.

True. What's this about?

Well, I want to change
the trajectory of me life.

Well, you pulled that one
out of your arse.

"Three tips to change your life."

Three tips? Yeah. What are they?

Well, one,
"be careful not to put yourself

"in a situation
where you are disappointed."

Don't have sex.

"Don't exaggerate problems -

"not everything is
as big as you'd expect."

Oh, that's the fecking truth.

Don't have sex.

"And be relaxed.

"Don't be afraid
to have a good laugh."

Well, you won't get a better laugh
than having sex.

Who wrote that shite?!

You did.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Who wrote that shite?!

I did.

It's Cathy's self-help book.

Oh, it's very good advice.

How is the book selling, Cathy?

All right.

AGNES CHUCKLES

It's a very narrow market.

Oh, very narrow, yeah.

Just Winnie.

Winnie, all you need to do is
build up your self-confidence.

Yeah.
You might not climb Kilimanjaro

but you need to feel like you could
do if you wanted to. Exactly.

You see, mine
is an old-fashioned marriage.

What did you do,
jump over the broom?

Oh. Jacko is the type of man
that believes

a woman's place is in the kitchen.

Well, any man who thinks that

should remember
where the bucking knives are kept.

Cathy, do you have
my Credit Union book?

Yeah. I must get it off you.

You've never asked for it. Why now?

I'd like to look and see how I'm
doing. It's not a crime, is it?

No. Right,
I'll leave it out for you.

Thank you.

I've been with the Credit Union
ten years now.

They're great. They are.
I remember the day I joined.

I think Buster Brady was
the head of the queue.

You think?

Well, it was somebody wearing
a balaclava.

ALL: It was Buster!

Ah, Grandad, it's good to see you up
and in good form.

Look, I'm sorry
if I upset you last night.

You! Mickey Brown!

Hello, Agnes. Long time, no see.

Not long enough.

You're looking great.

I'm just getting a cup of tea
for my brother.

Will I get you a cup?
No, thank you. I'll make my own tea.

Gotta look after my brother.

Ugh! Ugh.

What's that smell?

Oh, yes, I know it.

It's a rat.

Hiya, Agnes. Great news.

Yeah, yeah. Hiya, Winnie. I have it.

There's a fella down the shops
says he works in the zoo,

said he can arrange for me

to put me head in a tiger's mouth.

Yeah, that's nice. So I thought
about it and thought,

"Feck it, I'm going to do it."

Yeah, that's nice.
Right, so see you later.

Yeah, bye, bye, bye, bye.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes.

It's a gold mine in South Africa.

Now, NOBODY knows about this,

so the deal I've got is
I put in 5,000,

and in two months
I get back a million.

THUD!

Wow! That's a great deal.

I wouldn't mind a slice of that.

Ooh, I don't know
if it's too late already.

But I could check if you'd like?

Yeah.

Hiya, Mammy. Hiya, Cathy.

You on your own?
Just me and Win...

Where's Winnie? Oh, that's right,

Winnie's gone to the zoo.

Winnie's gone to the fecking zoo!

Winnie! Winnie!

Damien, this is my Uncle Mickey.

Hello.

Hello, Father.
Delighted to meet you.

You two catching up?

Yeah. It's great.

Yes, it is.

What's up?

Please don't get annoyed, Trevor,
but shaking hands with your uncle?

I feel like I just shook hands
with the devil.

Don't be judgmental.

No, of course not.

Now, you have to promise me
you'll stay calm.

I will.

Father Damien...

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

I thought you said you needed us

to come over,
that it was an emergency?

Well, in many ways it is.
Sit down and let's talk.

I'm supposed to play for
the darts team in Foley's.

I'd better ring and cancel.

What's Foley's number?



Well done, Buster.

I done a memory course. When?

I forget.

Sit down.
Sorry, lads, but I have to call.

RINGING TONE

I'm their best player,

and most popular.

Hello, Sharon?

The was Dermot Brown.
He won't be coming.

CHEERING

Now, Trevor,

you have something
you want to say to Mark?

Mark. I'm sorry.

I never gave any thought

that I was leaving you
to keep the family going.

Dermo, you'll be next.

You've been a wonderful big brother
to all of us, and I owe you so much.

And Dermo...

Buster, stop.
He'll get to me in a minute.

I don't know how to explain it.

I felt the call to serve the Lord
and I just went.

Dermo,

you're gonna be next.

Shush, Buster! Give him a chance!

You're right.

It was selfish of me and, again,
I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Trevor,

I appreciate the apology
but the truth be told,

had you stayed here,

I would've went to England.

I never would have met Betty.

She's been the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Well, that was just beautiful.

Come here.

Can I buy you both a pint?

Yeah, sure.

Dermo...

What?

If it wasn't for you,

your mammy wouldn't be able
to run this family.

They didn't say it...

..but they know it.

Do you want tea?

Do you want a hug?

AUDIENCE: Aw.

APPLAUSE

Come on,
I might still make the darts match.

No, Dermo, take your time.

The team want a chance to win
just at least once.

Now, you're tired.

We can talk about all of this
tomorrow.

Off to bed.

SIGHS

Goodnight, now, Agnes.

What's this?

What's what?

That seems
like a nice juicy envelope.

What's that for?

That's for you,
if you play your cards right.

Really? What do I have to do?

Go. Now. Tonight.

I'll tell Grandad tomorrow
you had some emergency.

But you go and don't come back,
and that's yours.

I need... 5,000 euro, I know.

So, deal or no deal?

I'll miss the old b*stard.

No, you won't.

You're right, I won't.

So?

Deal. I'll just go get my things.

See you later, alligator.

BOOING

Oh, for feck's sake.

How are you, Agnes?
Hi, Winnie. You want tea?

Ah, no, thanks, love. Oh,

that was a close thing
with that tiger today.

I can still see those stripes
and I shudder.

OK. Winnie, it was not a close thing
today, and the reason

it wasn't a close thing today is
because that was not a tiger,

it was a zebra.

And your head
wouldn't fit in his mouth.

You know,

from Kilimanjaro to skydiving,

to....

I don't care what you say,
that was a tiger.

You have been against everything

I've suggested I do
to change me life.

Because I don't want you to change.

I think you're fine
just the way you are.

Well, I don't have to change
if I don't want to.

No, you don't. But I could do
all of those things if I wanted to.

Yes, you could.

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

I'll see YOU tomorrow.

I love you. I love YOU.

Goodnight. Goodnight!

APPLAUSE

Well, that was a busy day.

Just looking back at the year,
you know.

Captain Kirk went to space.

Yeah, in the big dildo.

Up and down in ten minutes.

My husband could do that.

And see that Star Trek,

when they go, "Boldly go where
no man has been before"?

And then when they get there,
there's somebody there.

Never got that.

KNOCK AT DOOR

It's open, Barbara, come on.

How are ye, Mrs Brown? How are ye,
Barbara? Thanks for coming over.

Barbara, I've good news
and bad news.

Oh? Go on.

Rory and Dino will not be coming
back from China soon.

They've decided to adopt.

Oh, my God! A boy or a girl?

A Vietnamese pig.

So, that's the good news?

That's the bad news.

The good news is

they want you to run the salon.

You're the boss, Barbara.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That's fantastic! Yes, it is.

I've so many ideas! Right, you can
email them. Like changing the colour

scheme to yellow. Yeah, oh, love to,
yeah. But not yellow-yellow,

kind of mixed daffodil and sunrise
yellow. The towels could be yellow.

Oh, yeah. And the chairs
could be yellow.

Yeah. And the curtains
could be yellow.

And you could buck off.

Her family colour must be yellow.

Oh, hello, Grandad. Uh...

Mickey's not in his room. I know.

He said he had some kind of
emergency. He had to slip away.

Hmm. Probably something to do
with his gold mine in South Africa.

Probably.

Hmm. You see? You WERE wrong.

He never took a penny off me.
Nothing.

People change, you know. I know.

I think I'm owed an apology.

I-I...

Uh-h-h-h...

I'm sorry.

I hope you apologised to him too.

I did, yeah.

Look, Grandad, go in and sit down
and make yourself comfortable.

I'll bring you in a cup of tea.
Good, good.

All right, Grandad? Oh, yes.

Hiya, Mammy.

Oh, Trevor, good man.
Hello, Father Damien.

Trevor, bring that in to your
grandad. Oh, and his biscuits.

Here, I'll take them.

Oh, thank you, Father Damien.

Hey, Ma. Hello, son.

Just on me way to work,
dropped in to see you're OK.

I'm fine.
Uncle Mickey left last night.

Yeah, I know.
Terrible what happened to him.

Why, what happened?

On his way to the airport,

he was mugged. No!

Yeah. You have to be careful
out there.

Oh, my God.

Right, Buster, let's go.

Oh, and, er...

Here you go.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What's this?

I don't know,

but it has your name on it.
I'll see you.



"Less 10% finder's fee
to Buster Brady."

Trevor, did YOU know about this?

Damien, you wouldn't want me
to break the seal of confession,

would you? See you, Mammy.

I'll see you, son.

Well...

Well, well.

It all works out
the way it's supposed to.

It always does.

Brothers, huh?

You know, every boy
and every man that has a brother

will admit that they don't
tell each other often enough

how much they love each other.

Oh, my boys are easy-going
at the best of times,

but see if something threatens
their sister, Cathy,

or their sprightly

and oddly attractive mother,

they're like wolves.

I'm glad that Mark and Trevor
have made up,

and, you know, Buster and Dermot was
a prime example that you don't have

to be from the same mother
to be brothers.

You just have to be

in prison.

You know, I suppose, in a way,
that's what me and Winnie are.

Brothers.

Brothers in arms.

God, somebody should make
a song out of that.

Goodnight.

# Say hello to the queen
of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all
She wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet
she'll never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown
Agnes... #

Goodnight!
# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #