04x05 - Mammy's Mare

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
some strong language.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Come on, Mammy.

Oh, good God, Cathy.

I have been getting
Christmas dinners

since Jesus was in kindergarten.

I've never been to so many shops.

Me legs think I've lost my mind!

It pays to shop around, Mammy!

Pays who? Dr Flynn - not me!

Cost a fortune.

And it was embarrassing.

Embarrassing how?

Asking the butcher,

"Was the turkey humanely k*lled?"

How can you humanely k*ll something?

The clue's in the question -
"k*lled"!

There's always a way
to do things humanely.

Oh, yes. "Hello, Mr Turkey.
Come over here."

MRS BROWN GOBBLES

"Oh, look at that!"

Doof-doof-doof-doof!

Bump!

"Gobble, gobble, dinner's ready!"

I'm not even going to dignify that
with a comment.

Well, I hope you got
everything you need.

No, I still need goose fat
for the roast potatoes.

Oh, let's k*ll a goose as well!

Humane, my arse!

DOORBELL

I'll get it.

That might be a humane goose,
willing to donate his fat!

DOORBELL

Hello there.

Oh, and a very merry Christmas.

Ah, Christmas-time.

A time when young children dream

and adults, well, they go mad.

And you only have to say the word
"cranberry" and turkeys get nervous.

SHE CHUCKLES

Look at all this.

Cathy insists on getting
Christmas dinner.

Humane this, organic that.

She couldn't boil an egg
two weeks ago!

Even if she could, she'd want it

straight from the chicken's arse!

MUSIC: Silent Night

Nope.

Go on.

OK!

AUDIENCE: Awww!

Who was at the door?
Buster Brady.

Oh, watching "Love Actually" again?

Yep!

How are yous?

Hello, Mark.

Hello, Betty.

Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Cathy.

Now, here, I hope you two weren't
traipsing around in the cold

looking for a present for me.

We weren't! Because I don't want
anything. Do you hear me?

We hear you.

We just wanted to show you this.

Oh! That's beautiful! It's lovely.

We saw it in the shop, and Betty
said, "I know who'd love that."

MRS BROWN CHUCKLES KNOWINGLY

Do you think Mrs McGoogan
will like it?

Winnie? You bought Winnie a present?
Aye.

She'll love it.

I hope so.
Yeah, I'm sure she will.

But don't go getting me anything
now, do you hear me?

We won't. Right, Mark, let's go.

Aye. See yous later. You're very
thoughtful to think of Winnie.

VERY thoughtful.

"You think
Mrs McGoogan'll like this?!"

Do you have to make so much noise?

No.

But now that I know it annoys you,
I will.

HE GRUMBLES

You just drift off to sleep, there,
Grandad.

And if you see a bright light,
run to it.

HE SCOFFS

Hey, Mammy.

Hello, son. Hello, Father Damien.

Hello, Mrs Brown.

Tea, Damien?
Oh, yes, please, Trevor.

Sorting out your Christmas tree
decorations, Mrs Brown?

Actually, Father,
I'm looking for a horse.

So that's a horsebox?

A horsebox!

You're looking for what?

Me rocking horse
Christmas decoration.

I remember that on your tree
last year.

A rubbishy little rocking horse
with a leg missing and one ear.

It was a smelly thing.

That my deceased father carved
with his own bare hands!

Trevor, I'll skip the tea.

Are you sure?
Absolutely positive.

What are you up to, Trevor?

Oh, I'm helping Damien with his
sermon for the blessing of the crib.

Oh.

It must be very difficult, Father,
every Christmas,

to come up with new stuff.

Will you be there, Mrs Brown,
at the blessing?

Oh, no, no. I can't stand
the smell of that incest.

It's called... Ah, Damien, don't.

You know, my Christmas
won't be the same

without me daddy's rocking horse.
AUDIENCE: Aww!

That's life, Mrs Brown.
Things don't always work out.

Sure Joseph and Mary couldn't
find a room in the inn.

They should have known better.

Hotels are always busy at Christmas.

I don't think hotels...
Come on, Damien, we're out of here.

God bless you, Mrs Brown.

Yeah, yeah. We come in peace,
sh**t to k*ll.

You there, Agnes?

Yes, Winnie. Pour out a cup o' tea,
I'll be in there in a second.

Are you finished making noise?

Maybe I can sleep now.

Go to the light, Grandad!

Go to the li-i-ght!

I want tea.

Yeah, to go.

You look addled. What's up?

Ah, nothing.

I can't find me rocking horse
decoration for the tree.

Oh, that shitty little thing
with one leg and one ear?

AUDIENCE: Ohhhh!

That my father carved
on Christmas Eve,

even though he was bleary-eyed
from the lack of sleep.

Oh, is that why he left a leg short?

No, Winnie, the leg short

was wear and tear over 35 years.

What have YOU got
that's ever lasted that long?

Two pairs o' knickers.

Here. Bring that in to Grandad.

Right.

I know I sound like I'm obsessed
about that ornament,

but it means something to me.

My children have been hanging that
on the Christmas tree, oh,

since they were that height.

Hello, Mrs Brown!

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

Well, if it isn't the poster boy
for birth control.

Where's Dermot?

He's coming.

Hello-o-o, Cathy!

Do I turn you on?!

Shut up, Buster!

I have a bone to pick with you.

Oh, happy days, Cathy.

Because I have a bone
for you to pick.

Not in the mood, Buster.
It's Christmas week.

Where the hell is
our Christmas tree?

Oh, it should be coming tomorrow.
It's coming from Australia.

Why Australia?

Cos that's what it said
in the script.

I-I-I meant to say Austria.

Feckin' spell-check!

I need it up as soon as possible.

Tomorrow, right?

Yeah, right, tomorrow.

Hey, Ma. Hello, son.

My... Jesus, if it isn't
the Incredible Hulk!

What's g*ybo's Gym?

g*ybo's Gym? Yes!

It's a good question!

Got gluttony?

Get down to g*ybo's Gym,

whether your glutes are gangly,
you're gloomy or gargantuan,

g*ybo gets YOU good to go!

g*ybo's Gym.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Open 24/7, except Mondays...

..and Wednesdays!

Gobshite.

Uh-oh!

How did THAT get there?

Don't even think about it!

Cathy, a lady cannot refuse
a kiss under the mistletoe.

Now, pucker up and lay it on me.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoa!

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Well, Agnes,
how did the shopping go?

The shopping?
Well, I'll tell you now, Winnie,

crucifixion would
have been less painful.

Ah, is Cathy still determined
to cook Christmas dinner?

Oh, it's a banquet now.
She's talking about a buckin' menu!

Ah, fair play to her, Agnes.

I mean, you've got to admire
her confidence.

Winnie, it'll be a disaster.
You mark my words.

Cathy just wants to make
Christmas special.

It's not the Last Supper, Winnie.

Mind you, with her cooking,
it buckin' might be!

WINNIE TITTERS

I often wonder
was she worth the stretch marks?

Oh, how are you, Dermot?

Hey, Winnie. You're back.

Yeah, Ma. I forgot to ask you.

I need a lend of 100 quid.

Oh, dear me, hang on a second.

I'll just pull it out of thin air.

There you go. Now, there you go.

Mammy, the bank machine
swallowed me card.

I still have to pick up the food
for the Christmas dinner.

Cathy has enough food
to feed an army.

Why don't you come over here
for dinner?

Sounds good.

Maria invited Mrs Nicholson,
so we'll have her with us.

Hundred quid, is that what you
wanted, 100 quid?!

100, is it 100?
Oh, Ma, that's disgusting!

Them pickpockets
aren't getting my money

unless I get something out of it,
as well!

BOING!

What did I feckin' do with it?

RUBBER CHICKEN SQUAWKS

Hold on, hold on...

10, 20, 30...

Here!

There you go.

AUDIENCE GROANS

That's only 80!

Well, that's all I have on me.

Unless you'd like me to dip
into me safety deposit box!

No!

Here, son.

COINS JINGLE

There. Put your hand out.

Here. There's 20 there, love.

Thanks, Mrs McGoogan.

RUBBER CHICKEN SQUAWKS

I tell you, that's some bra
to be able to hold all that weight.

What?!

I'm saying, your bra...

I'm not wearing one!

Oh, my God.
It's freezing out there.

Sharon gave me a Christmas punch
to take the edge off.

I wouldn't mind giving you
a couple of punches, meself!

Thanks, Sharon, thank you.

SHE CHUCKLES

Who's that?

I don't know.

Hello, there.

Who are you?

I'm Agnes. Who the f*ck are you?

I'm...

Uhhh.

I'm... Maureen.

And you? Damien.

I'm your son, Mother?

Ah, yes!

AUDIENCE: Awww!
This is your mother?

Oh.

Maureen, this is Mammy.

And are you my son, too?

No, no, Maureen, no. He's mine.

MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

But, listen, I can let you
have Dermot if you're stuck!

Heh-heh!

Come on, Mother. Let's get you home.

The Big Man's coming this week.

Is he? Remember? Santa Claus?

We talked about Christmas presents.

Oh, yes. Santa Claus!

Yeah. Goodnight.

Maureen has Alzheimer's, Mammy.

You could've said something
before now.

Damien took her
out of the nursing home

so they could be together
for Christmas.

Oh, God bless her.

I was thinking about inviting them
over for a drink at some stage.

Absolutely.
We'd be delighted to have them.

Ah, thanks, Mammy.

That was really nice, Mrs Brown.

And you think you have problems,
hmm?

Father Damien was telling us

how much his mother
always loved Christmas,

being surrounded by family.

Well, that's what
it's all about, Barbara.

And now it's just the two of them.

Sad, really, isn't it?

Yeah, it IS sad.

Mammy, I'm going to sh**t home.

Buster's putting up the tree,
and I want to keep an eye on him.

OK, love, I'll follow you.

And Cathy?

Is there room for two more
at the Christmas table?

Father Damien and his mammy?

Yes.

And here was me thinking
you'd turned into a complete...

..Grinch.

Mm-hm. Yes, Mammy.

And I'm going to cook
the best Christmas dinner ever.

MRS BROWN CHUCKLES

That's nice!

Take a good, hard look, now, Buster.

You'll know the problem
when you see it.

I followed all the steps, Mrs Brown.

Yeah. And you still don't see
the problem?

Is it a bit crooked?

It's upside-buckin'-down!

It's SUPPOSED to be upside down!

It's Australian!

Don't give me that crap.

Ah!

Ha-ha! Heh-heh!

You gobshite.

Nice one, Mammy. What?

Yeah. Looks fantastic!

Really? It's upside down!

Yeah.

Granny,
anyone can have an ordinary tree.

But you've gone for one
that reflects your artistic side.

I love it.

Really? Yeah. Really.

Reflecting your artistic side is
extra.

Feck off, Buster. OK.

Well, you know, I did have
an uncle who was an artist.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, Leonardo da...

..McNamara.

Really, Dad? Oh, yeah.

Con artist.

I buckin' heard that!

Do you need help over there? No!
Well, just to let you know,

I'm ready to row in if you need me.

I'm fine.
Stubborn as a mule, you are.

Oh, and who could I possibly have
inherited that from?

Your father!

You're every bit of him,

including the moustache.

Ouch!

Now what?
I burnt meself on the bloody oven.

Here, let me get it. I can do it.

Move!

Be careful. It's really hot.

"Oh, be careful. It's really hot."

How do you not burn yourself?

Cathy, my hands are like leather
at this stage.

f*ck!

OK.

What's next?

Oww!

Here, there's burn spray in there.
Go and use it.

Buster, what do you want? Happy
Christmas to you, too, Mrs Brown.

Oh, sorry, happy Christmas.
Now what do you want?

Ah, just dropping something off
for Cathy.

Did you get it, Buster?
The other thing. I did.

What other thing?
For the roast potatoes?

Oh, you're not back to this shite
again, are you?

Let it go, Mammy.

60 years cooking roast potatoes, and
I've never used goose fat! Never!

Well, I'M cooking this year,
and I'm using it, all right?

HONKING AND FLAPPING

What the hell is that?

Sounds to me like a goose!

It is.

Cathy, you said you wanted
a fat goose.

Oh, Jesus!

SHE HOOTS WITH LAUGHTER

What?!

I said I wanted goose fat!

Potato, tomato!

MRS BROWN CACKLES

Buster, get that goose out of here!

He has a name, you know.

It's Philip.

Change of plan, lads.
Take him back to the park.

SQUA-AWK!

MRS BROWN CLEARS HER THROAT

Don't say a word, Mammy.

I know how to peel a potato. Are you
sure? Because that's not really

the way you're supposed to do it.

You're supposed to peel away from
you. That way, you won't...

OUCH!

..cut yourself. That was your fault!

MY fault?! How?!
You distracted me!

Is it bleeding? Yeah, a little bit.

Here,
there's plasters under the sink.

CATHY HUFFS

Oh...

Look, Mammy, tomorrow is going
to be a very special day,

and I want everything to be perfect.

Now, I know you mean well,

and watching me preparing dinner is
hard for you,

but you have to let me do it
on my own.

I understand.

Seriously, you peeled the potatoes!

Cathy, it's muscle memory.
I can't buckin' help meself!

Mammy, please leave.

I did the carrots, as well.

Oh, Jesus!

Out! I'm going, I'm going.
Out of the kitchen. All of you. Out!

Out!

Agnes, I'd love a cuppa.

Oh, put the kettle on, there.
Are you sure Cathy won't mind?

Not at all!
She'll be delighted to see you.

GET OUT!

Ah, Jeez!

Well, thanks for that, Agnes!

Is it Cathy's first time
cooking Christmas dinner?

It's Cathy's first time
to cook any buckin' dinner!

POTS CLATTER AND BANG

Oh, Jesus!

Lovely what Father Damien said
about his mother at the blessing.

I wasn't there. Me neither.

Oh?

So what did he say?

Father Damien talked
about his Christmases as a child

and how his mother had created
such wonderful memories for him.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

The best present you can give
someone is a memory.

You're absolutely right, Birdie.
True.

I remember one Christmas
creeping down the stairs

to find a big bunny rabbit
holding a chocolate egg!

Maybe that was Easter.

In your house, Winnie, it could have
been buckin' Halloween!

MUSIC: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing

Oh, my goodness!

Is it OK?

OK? It's magnificent!

So, Mammy. Yes, love?

Would you do your gravy?

Well, if you insist...

REFRAIN FROM "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS

Cathy, I don't know how you did it,
but everything was perfect.

Especially my gravy!

Really was, Cathy. Really?

Damien, is your mother all right?

Are you joking me?
She's loving this.

It's just great being around people,
Mrs Brown.

Last Christmas, the two of us just
sat in the nursing home for the day.

Oh, that can't have been easy.

Our house was always full
at Christmas, wasn't it, Mammy?

There'd be singing and dancing.

Well, Mark is bringing
his guitar along later.

We'll get a sing-song going, Father.

Maureen,
you might give us a song later.

Song.

I doubt it, Mrs Brown.
Mammy hasn't sang in years.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Merry Christmas, son.
Let's get this party started.

Now you're talking! Happy Christmas,
all. Happy Christmas, Mark.

Happy Christmas, Granny.

Oh, thank you, Bono.
Happy Christmas to you.

Do you want your present now?
You're going to love it.

Well...
Not yet, Bono. You'll give it away.

Happy Christmas, everybody!
Happy Christmas, Buster.

Well, Blister, I see Santa Claus's
already been.

I wanted a REAL tattoo.

This is just crappy henna.

Listen, the thing about that one is

you can have a different tattoo
tomorrow.

You see, son?

Grandad loves tattoos.

No. Get away!

Come here, son. Come here.

Go on.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Father Damien,
your Mammy didn't eat very much.

She doesn't have
much of an appetite these days.

And besides, she's having
far too much fun in there.

NEEDLE BUZZES

Please, Dad. Can we do the presents
now for Granny?

Go on, then. Yes!

OK, everybody,
Dad says we can do the presents.

Come on, everyone. Into the kitchen.

Here, Maureen.

You have a little nap there.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Oh, now. Look at this.

Oh-h*-h*.

Thank you, Maria.

It's a cardigan.

Will you let her open it?

She knows what it is.

We get her a cardigan every year.

She'd be disappointed
if we got her anything else.

No, I wouldn't, Dermot.

Oh, look at that.
It's absolutely beautiful.

Yeah, it's lovely.

You're very welcome, Mrs Brown.

What's this here?

Oh, now, Buster?

Just a little something
from meself and Blister.

Thank you, Blister.

Before I go any further, Mammy,

Bono's going to burst if he doesn't
give you his present now.

Oh, OK!

I really hope you like it, Granny.
Happy Christmas.

Thank you, son.

And you know what?

It's off to a good start.

It's really well packaged.

Oh...my God.

AUDIENCE: Aww.

It was Dad's idea.

You done all the work on it, son.

He spent hours on it, Ma.

It's as fresh as the day I got it.

Dad told me
how much it meant to you.

It meant the world to me.
Tell him the story, Ma.

Well,
when I was a young girl, I...

I asked Santa Claus
for a rocking horse.

And my daddy said that...

..it'd be too awkward for Santa
to put it on the sleigh.

I cried my eyes out.

Oh!

There's me mascara!

It gets worse.

But then, on Christmas Eve,

he gave me this.

My own rocking horse.

And he told me that some day

there'll be a real rocking horse
under the tree for me.

Hmm.

I fell off this one twice!

MRS BROWN SNIFFS AND SOBS

Sorry for making you cry, Granny.

No, you didn't make me cry, love.

Not yet. But you're going to.

What? In here, Mammy.

Come on, everyone.

What the hell is this?

AUDIENCE GASPS

Happy Christmas, Mammy.

APPLAUSE

You... You made this?
Oh, not just me, Ma.

Cathy and Trevor
done all the painting

after Dermot spent hours
sanding it down.

I got a really bad splinter, Ma.

It's not about you, Dermot!

I...

I-I...

I-I'm... Speechless?

Speech... Yeah.

After all these years.

Now, do you understand why I wanted
everything to be perfect?

Your daddy helped.

Cathy, you will NOT make me cry.

And, Mammy?

He didn't break his promise.

MRS BROWN SOBS

# On Christmas Day, yeah! #

Nice one, Trevor.

Right, who's singing the next one?
What about Mrs Brown?

Now, here, Birdie,
it's your first Christmas with us.

You sing. Sing Away In A Manger.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Mark, give us a C.

# Away in a manger

# No crib for a bed

# The little Lord Jesus

# Lay down his sweet head

# The stars in the bright sky

# Looked down where he lay

# The little Lord Jesus
asleep on the hay. #

That was lovely, Birdie.

CHORUS OF APPROVAL

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

OK, who's bringing it home?
Come on. Who's next? Anybody?

WINNIE: No, I don't know the words.

Aw. All right, well,
we'll call it a day at that, so.

THEY GROAN

# Be near me, Lord Jesus

# I ask thee to stay

# Close by me for ever

# And love me, I pray

# Bless all the dear children

# In thy tender care

# And take us to Heaven
to live with thee there. #

I was wrong about Christmas.

It's not a hassle.

Maybe you have to run around town
looking for that

something special
for someone special.

SHE CHUCKLES

The thing is, if they can feel
your love in their heart,

then, they know they're worth it.

And if you can feel their love
in your heart....

..then you know you're worth it.

I know I'm worth it...

..cos I have a buckin' horse!

SHE CACKLES

Look at me, Daddy!

Yeehah!

Goodnight!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Say hello
to the queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all
she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let
life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown... #

Merry Christmas!

# Our Mrs Brown. #

THROATY CACKLE