(alarm sounding)
(countdown numbers beep)
(quick instrumental pop)
-(phones ringing in distance)
-(alert note rings over P.A.)
BOSS (over P.A. system):
AJ, come to my office, please.
Ope!
AJ, you've always been
one of our best performers.
We'd love to promote you
to technical consultant.
Yes.
I-I mean, I'm flattered,
but yes.
Uh, sorry, I mean no.
I always get
those mixed up.
But why, why, why do you insist
on staying entry-level?
Don't you want to get
more out of life?
A desk, like this desk,
made of real oak wood?
Nah. Right now everything
is just perfect for me.
I wake up at 8:30
and make myself
buttered toast
with cinnamon and sugar.
It's great.
Then I bike to work,
which is also great
'cause and I get to wave hello
to the coffee kiosk lady.
(light dramatic theme playing)
Work is good--
I like that it's easy
and my heart rate stays
pretty low all day.
Then I eat supper with either
my married friends or my dad.
After that, I go home
and watch YouTuub videos
with my dogs until all three
of us fall asleep.
Sounds pretty good.
Oh, my favorite part
is when I go to the dog park
with Diddy and Biff.
I mean, it's kind of
just an open field
so it gets
really windy there,
but it is so nice.
(sighs)
So, you're not ready
to take over
the family business.
Well, what can I say,
I'm content.
Weeks, months, years--
I'm happy
to just let them spread by
like whipped butter.
I understand, son.
Thanks, Poppy-Pop.
See you at supper.
(door opens, closes)
(light dramatic theme playing)
(dogs barking in distance)
(wind howling)
(grunts)
(dial-up Internet
screeching and warbling)
What the W...?
What is--
What is going on?
Whoa-whoa-whoa! No dogs
allowed in the blog park.
But-- But what?
Dit-dit-dit! Just take it up
with the mayor, Bubbo.
(blower whirring)
AJ:
I'm just so confused!
Nobody even blogs anymore.
2004 called,
they want their blogging back.
You know what, AJ,
I think you should walk
right up
to the mayor's office,
kick down the door,
and tell her exactly
what you just said.
They don't even open
till 8 tomorrow.
Well, then I think you
should do all of that
at exactly 8:00 a.m. tomorrow.
I...
think I will.
(upbeat theme playing)
(door beeps)
(man exclaims)
Mayor!
Me mayor.
My father, who bless the stars
is still with us,
told me to walk up
to your office,
kick down your door,
and tell you
exactly what I just said.
"I'm so confused!
2004 called, they want
their blogging back."
Ah, you've seen my pet project,
the Blog Park.
Ever since 2004, I've been
fighting, fishing, scrapping,
scraping, and sapping
to make it happen.
Until finally,
the funding came through.
Wait, but--
And to your criticism,
"nobody blogs anymore,"
heh, well, it's
a little short-sighted.
Technology is cyclical,
like fashion.
That's why I always wear
one bell bottom and one JNCO.
What about skinny jeans?
Acid wash?
Need I say much more?
Much more? What a chore!
I abhor what you've done
to the outdoor I care for.
Before
I leave through that door,
I must implore:
this means w*r,
you cultural carnivore!
Don't be such bore,
you walking saddlesore.
Maybe when you have the floor,
when you are may-or,
the choice of what to do
with that land will be yours.
(scoffs)
And don't forget things,
comma, your.
(grunting)
(door opens)
(upbeat thematic flourish)
Stewp's on!
Oh boy, a dish
of your patented stew soup!
More stuff floating in it
than a soup, less than a stew.
Just the way
you like it, buddy.
Just what I need
after what's been,
honestly,
a stinky couple of days.
(dog whimpers)
But you know what?
(slurps)
What?
I may be sad
about the dog park,
but as long
the rest of my perfect life
stays in place,
I think everything will be A-OK.
Well, we've got
some bad news.
-(leg thumps table)
-Uh, I mean good news!
-(leg thumps table)
-Uh, bad news!
Excuse us for a minute.
Are you sure
we should tell him?
What choice do we have?
It's happening tomorrow.
You're right.
The happening
can't un-happen,
whether we tell AJ
it's happening or not.
Shall we?
Let's shall.
Listen, sport.
There's something
we got to tell you.
(slurps)
We're moving
to San Antonio.
Texas.
I know it's
a lot of spit to take,
but Danny got hired
at a fancier architecture firm
and I got hired
at a schmancier design firm.
Those are our jobs.
Yeah, it's gonna be hard
to leave our home,
but...
AJ, are you okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
Go away. I understand.
There's no need
to cry CG tears.
We can still have
our suppers over computer.
But what about the stewp?
We'll ship it
to you.
Media mail.
You're worth it.
Thank you. Thank you.
Ah, thank you guys so much.
You're my best friends.
It's great.
Whew. What a day!
But it's like the Bible says:
It's important to stay calm
and keep things in perspective.
Isaiah 11:16.
Now let's watch
some YouTuub videos
and fall asleep.
-(cat whimpers)
-(alert sound clangs)
(lively dramatic theme playing)
(groans)
(rooster crows)
(birds chirping)
(glass shatters)
Hey AJ, you hear about
the buttered toast recall?
What am I supposed to eat
for breakfast now?
Don't worry, we've got materials
for this situation.
(shell cracks)
(yolk bubbles)
(yolk bubbles through straw)
(police siren blares)
(heartbeat thumping)
(gasps)
I'm real sorry to hear
about your heart rate, son.
But we're strapped
around here
and need to raise
the workload 4%.
I just don't know
what to do.
Ever since my dog park got gone,
everything's fallen apart.
Up is down,
down is up,
and I'm sad.
I know how you feel.
You do?
But...you're not me.
Yes, but I once found myself
in a similar situation.
I was about your age...
(whistle blows in distance)
After years of happily coaching
high school football,
I suddenly felt...empty.
Adrift.
Not correct.
My heart...
wasn't in it anymore.
But who was I to be now, then?
I wandered the town in a daze.
(car tires screeching)
I ended up
on the top of a hill.
The beautiful plains of Fargo
lay before me at magic hour.
I realized
what I wanted to do.
(cat screeches)
And I've been doing this
ever since.
Happy.
So you're saying
I need to become mayor myself
and get my dog park back
at all costs?
I'm saying you need
to find your own way.
So please, go.
Take as much time
as you need.
Your job will be here
when you're ready.
Wow, because I'm your son?
No, because you're
the main character.
(upbeat theme playing)
(door closes)
(theme music fades)
(phone ringing in distance)
(upbeat theme playing)
(exhales)
Me mayor.
-(alert beeps)
-Ope!
It's time for supper
with Morgan and Danny!
-(ticking)
-Wait, wrong watch.
Ha, there it is.
(dog whimpers)
So then I was talking to my dad
and, bless his heart,
he said the only way
to get my perfect life back
is becoming mayor!
Whoa! How do you suppose
Mayor became mayor?
She said she fought, fished,
scrapped, scraped, and sapped.
Sounds like you gotta do
all those things, in order.
Yep, sounds like.
-(slurping)
-THOMAS: Hey, what do
you think you're doing?
I'm just talking to my friends,
Morgan and Danny.
They moved out days ago.
Huh?
They no longer
live here anymore.
Hmm.
This is where me
and my family live now.
What?
Which means it is inappropriate
for you to be in this house!
Hmph.
Because your friends
no longer live here!
Huh?
It's okay,
we'll see ourselves out.
MORGAN:
Bye, AJ!
Okay, so the first thing
is "fighting."
How am I supposed to show
that I'm better
at fighting than the mayor?
I don't really want
to fight her...
THOMAS:
The mayor? Of course not.
History lesson time.
Anybody who follows
local events...
knows the mayor beat
Luciano Lorimar in the ring
as part
of her election campaign.
-(boxing bell rings)
-AJ: Well!
You really didn't know this?
It was all over the news.
I believe I was playing
Mario Kart Double Dash
on Gamecube at the time.
Well, here's
a veet turn for ya.
She won by utilizing
the mythical
Carmello Elbow technique.
How could I, me,
AJ learn that kinda tech?
No worry.
I've got a wrestling ring
in my backyard.
-(boxing bell rings)
-AJ: Wow!
I love how there's a photo
of your current backyard
in this old book.
-You rock!
-Thanks.
I'll meet you there.
(dramatic flourish plays)
All right, first:
a simple reflex check.
How'd I do?
Not bad.
It's a good sign
your head didn't fly off.
Now you do me.
Need I say much more?
(neck cracking)
How'd you get so good
at fighting, anyway?
That's...
a story for another time.
(bird screeches)
What time?
3:30 p.m., central.
That's a story
I'll only answer
at 3:30 p.m. central.
Oh, well, thanks
for telling me twice
so I don't forget.
Uh, when are we gonna learn
the, uhh...
(Biff barks)
...Carmen Sandiego technique?
Not yet.
We got to train
your physical form,
and rigorously.
Let's begin.
(dramatic theme playing)
WOMAN: To master
the Carmello Elbow technique
you must become...
(echoing)
your elbow.
Bend your mind.
Bend your soul.
Bend your elbow.
Pain.
Fear.
Uncertainty.
They all bend.
WOMAN:
WOMAN:
WOMAN:
(whispers)
Elbow.
Elbow.
Elbow.
(grunts)
Whaddya think?
I think
you'd make more progress
if you'd stop
changing clothes
and tearing days off
the calendar.
(dramatic flourish plays)
But it's not bad
for a first day.
(studio audience laughing)
(studio audience
applauding)
Hey, we have
this reserved for 6:30.
BOTH:
Oh, sorry.
Could you clean
all that up please?
Well, that was pretty fun.
I guess I'll go home
and get some rest.
AJ, you're gonna need
to really commit
if you want to beat Luciano
and become mayor.
So you're saying I should
take my work home with me.
No, I'm saying you got to bring
your home to your work.
So you're saying to make
my work my home, within me.
I'm saying, take
your you home, to your work.
(light dramatic theme playing)
And that's the story
of how I got my new bed.
What happens after that?
I feel like
we're gonna need more.
It feels like we're only
in act two at this point.
Really, you want more?
Don't you think
it's getting kinda tiresome?
We're already sitting here--
the least you could do
is justify our investment.
I'm trying
to reserve my judgment
till I experience
the final work.
Oh. Well, that... is... great!
Uh, because there's a lot more,
and it actually only gets
more compelling!
(laughing)
I was just bluffing!
(clears throat)
(all coughing)
All right.
And several weeks later...
(dogs squeaking)
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I know what you're thinking.
Why haven't
we watched YouTuub lately?
Where's
the buttered toast?
It's really sad to me too,
but I'm working really hard
to get it all back.
I'm not
just gonna start watching
something other than YouTuub
or eating buttered,
like, bagels?
That's cute.
See, that's why I'm the human
and you're the dogs.
I know what's best.
Well,
today's your big day.
Yep.
After tons of training,
I'm finally ready
to perform...
Oh, no.
Today is the big fight.
-It's right now.
-Wha--?
-What?
-(crowd cheering)
(vuvuzela blows)
What...?
(stunned gasps)
Right here?
In my bed?
In this ecoboddy?
Okay, yeah, I'm really sorry,
we were trying to connect up,
him and I,
and his schedule
and our schedule,
and we were trying
to coordinate,
and he had this thing
with his aunt,
but he's really only available
right here, right now.
Mm. I will defeat
Luciano Lorimar
whenever he shows up.
About that.
(gasps)
Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait.
So you trained me
this whole time
to beat...you?
(watch alert beeps)
It's not that simple.
(dramatic theme playing)
LUCIANO: I was born
to a hard-working family
who owned 600 acres
of farmland.
We grew
a simple crop: hazelnuts.
My strict parents started me
young scything the fields.
They worked me to the bone,
preventing me
from seeing other kids
or even going to school.
Father had
the only education I needed...
or so they said.
But dog gone it,
those were good times.
My family was close,
especially me and my dad.
I grew to understand
he loved me, in his way.
Over time,
I began to love him back.
Then something happened
that none of us
could have predicted:
the rise of sweetened
hazelnut cocoa spreads.
Suddenly we went
from a humble bumper crop
to an unstoppable behemoth.
Soon we traded in
our little cabin for a mansion
bigger than anything
I'd ever seen.
We had everything
we ever wanted.
I ate truffled caviar
every night,
and slept in a bed
the size of a giraffe.
However, my father,
through all this success,
retreated into himself.
He grew sick in the mind,
refusing to leave his study.
One night I tried to help him.
I wanted so desperately
to tell him it was okay,
to thank him for being tough
on me back then.
But...
(ominous theme playing)
That was the last time
I saw any of them.
With nothing but three
hazelnuts in my pocket,
I hopped the trains
until I ended up here in Fargo.
Away from my family,
away from my hazelnuts,
I had no idea how to be.
I wandered the town in a daze.
(police siren roaring
in distance)
Realizing my surprising
elbow strength,
which surely came
from my years behind a scythe,
was all I had.
I decided to open
an community gym
in my backyard.
Needing funds
to finish construction,
I took a handshake deal
with the mayor:
take the fall
in a highly-publicized battle,
and she'd provide me
with everything I needed:
house, wife, kids.
As I hit the ground,
it felt...
familiar.
Everything finally made sense
in that moment.
Ever since,
I've been chasing that high.
But no opponent
was ever strong enough...
...until now.
Okay, well,
that's a pretty long story
but it does sound like
it is that simple.
MAN (in distance):
You coulda nutshelled it!
Nutshell...
Let's rumble, AJ.
Don't forget
what this is for.
What it's for...
(rock theme playing)
Very well.
(whistles)
Play ball!
Come on, AJ.
Do it.
I...
I...
You've trained
for this moment!
(weak grunting)
Punish me!
(weak grunts)
Aw, yeah,
that's the good stuff.
Yum.
AJ wins!
(crowd cheering)
Mayor,
you're gonna want to see this.
You were right
to bring this to me.
(scoffs) How else
would I have known
that d*ck Tracy
infiltrated
the Lunarian base
in Antarctica.
AIDE:
No, sorry. The other side.
Oh, that's much more notable.
SUIT AIDE 1 and 2:
Mayor.
Keep an eye
on this so-called AJ.
BOTH:
Yes, Mayor.
-AJ: Well, that's fighting down.
-(dial-up Internet warbling)
Guess we got to go
with fishing next.
All right, what do I need
for fishing?
(clicking tongue)
Boat?
(warbling, then chime)
Boat.
(dramatic flourish plays)
Boat?
Boat.
SEASTAB: Aye. The mayor
campaigned with gusto,
but only managed to catch
the second biggest fish
in this here briny basin.
That's lucky.
But if you're to catch it,
it'll take strength,
honor, courage, valor,
guts, confidence, glory,
fortitude, integrity,
nerve, pluck,
and maybe
if there's time, moxie, heh.
Well, don't worry,
Captain uh...
-Seastab.
-Ah, Captain Seastab.
I learned a lot of that
in my last thing, so...
Perfect!
So here we sit!
Here we fish...
for as long as it takes.
As long as it takes.
(both cackling)
(woofing)
(howling)
SUIT AIDE 1:
Heat signature detected.
Closing in on target.
Smoke 'em.
Is this...?
Captain, is that...?
It's a fish!
(laughing)
Keep pullin'!
Yank on, boy!
Yank on!
-Oh, no.
-AJ: What?
We've danger
coming leeward!
Hide!
Greetings.
Happy banyan,
officers.
We're looking for a guy
that looks like this guy.
Very dangerous type.
Have you seen him?
Don't see much
from this skipjack these days.
Just me
and these open freshed waters.
Hey, show some respect,
look him in the eye
when he talks to you.
I can look ye in the eye,
but fair warning.
I've seen things.
These eyes contain
multitudes of memories.
Dreams and nightmares,
and nightmares of nightmares,
of scenes seen in many times,
in many worlds.
These eyes will change ye,
and ye'll never be the same!
(maniacal laugh)
He's clean.
Over and out.
The coast is clear.
Phew, that was a close one!
What's with the giant coat?
What coat?
(owl hooting)
AJ: What a beautiful night
this is.
What do you see when you look
up at the stars?
I see...
an old friend.
(dings)
SEASTAB:
Sea-date...
present day.
We've been aboard
this vessel so long,
my beard
has grown its own beard.
Still no sign of the longest
fish, but we shan't give up.
I can smell it
getting nearer.
(sniffs)
-(cell phone ringing)
-Oh!
Ope! Uh, do you have
a computer I could use?
-Yes.
-(computer phone ringing)
AJ, it's been ages!
Hey, Morgo.
Hey, Dango. What's new?
Well, we have a son now.
Meet AJ Jr.
Named after his godfather.
Hi, AJ. I'm AJ.
How's it going?
(baby gurgles)
Holy moly!
Seastab, help!
Reel, me boy!
Reel, reel in!
I'm trying!
My apologies, but this fish
is simply not large.
(scoffs)
Well, that's dumb!
(groans)
AJ...
I'm starting
to see myself in you.
That's cool, right?
(sighs)
Let me tell you a story.
SEASTAB:
Before I was Captain Seastab,
I was Francis Bishop,
family man.
I lived a pleasant, simple life
catching fish by day
and catching kisses
from my family by night.
But somehow,
the happiness became...
routine.
I started to become...
snappish.
I once had looked at
my fellow seamen with kindness,
but now I saw them
as competition.
Why did they catch
more fish than me?
I deserved more fish,
bigger fish, than them.
It consumed me.
Suddenly, it wasn't enough
to be a seaman.
I had to be the best seaman,
or nothing.
The darkness in me grew
and grew...
I wandered the town in a daze.
Nothing was enough.
A hole in me heart
manifested in front of me.
I just kept fishing.
I just kept fishing.
I just kept fishing.
I just kept fishing.
I didn't know where I was
or how much time had passed,
but suddenly
I saw everything with clarity.
My primal human instinct
for more had destroyed my life.
I could never see
my family again.
To this day,
I don't know if I'm in reality
or an endless
Sisyphean hell.
Wow, seems like you learned
a great lesson.
Do you think it...
might be relevant to you
in any way?
Not that I can think of.
(scoffs)
It's probably nothing.
(suspenseful theme playing)
Hot sauce!
Phew!
I think
this is the big one!
Yes, but at what cost?
Oh, wow, what a scoop!
Lookit the size
of that pesce!
Surely that's larger
than the mayor's, I'd say!
Ey, swim off,
this is my scoop!
Hey, what can I say,
news travels fast,
fast enough for two papes!
They both have
basically the same headline.
Yes, I suppose
news travels fast.
Evidently, enough
for two papes.
Well, I say patooie!
-(spits)
-(dings)
You two aides knew
there was still a big honker
in that lake,
and you didn't stop
that AJ from catching it.
-So sorry, Miss Mayor.
-I swear we tried.
We just couldn't clock him,
Miss Mayor.
For those of us
keeping track,
he is a mere
three steps away
from taking my mayor seat.
Scrapping, scraping,
and sapping.
This is
your last chance, aides.
I want him off
the chess board, understand?
Show me!
Uh, which one is AJ?
Don't ask
stupid questions.
Yes, you got it!
Yes, yes, yes!
BOTH AIDES:
Yahoo!
Wa-wa-wa-hoo!
-BOTH AIDES: Yippee!
-Wahoo!
-Yip-yipee!
-Yipee!
ALL THREE:
Wahoo!
-Yipee!
-Ya-yahoo!
Ya-yahoo!
SUIT AIDE 1:
Wahhh!
(rooster crows)
(yawns)
Oh, man.
I slept
like a chess piece.
All right, pups,
just three things left.
"Scrapping," "scraping,"
"sapping."
Heh. Thank you.
Hey, so those next two,
I'm not really sure
what to do there.
They sound pretty similar.
Mmm.
"Scrapping and scraping"?
They're meant
to be different, right?
SUIT AIDE 1:
Hey.
(ominous theme plays)
You're AJ, correct?
We saw you
in the newspapers.
We're big fans,
and not bad guy.
-May we?
-Ah, bonjour.
We're here to help with
the next steps in your journey.
Scrapping and scraping, both.
That sounds
awfully convenient.
What kind of qualifications
do you have?
Have you read our shirts?
Well, how about that!
Welcome to the team!
Let's make some magic happen.
Now that the pleasantries
are out of the way, shall we?
Let's shall.
(dramatic theme playing)
AJ:
Man, this is gonna be great.
This is exactly what I need.
Knocking out two
with one, pshh, easy.
Huh?
Sorry, I couldn't hear you
over the sound of me
polishing my g*n.
Polishing your g*n?!
Oh, sorry, I meant to say...
sloshing my gum.
I was distracted
by polishing my g*n.
Polishing your g*n?!
Nope, sorry, I meant to say...
polishing...my gu--
I mean
not polishing my g*n.
AJ:
Is she polishing a g*n?
AJ: You know what,
guys, it's funny.
I think
this is the first time
I've just been able
to sit back, take a breather
throughout this whole thing.
Isn't that weird?
I don't know, I've just--
I've been so focused
on just, you know,
getting my dog park back.
(sighs)
It's curious.
I like it.
I like just dedicating
all my time to one goal.
I like having a purpose.
(sighs) Sorry, I'm kinda
rambling a little bit.
I just feel really
at ease right now, you know?
Yeah, thanks again, guys.
It's so cool
to just be out here,
alive, jammin' out with ya.
-Kneel here.
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
(grunts)
It's really cool
that you blindfolded me too,
it's like a little vacation
for me.
I don't even know
how long it's been.
(scoffs) It's so close though,
I can taste it.
Mm. Once I'm mayor,
everything's gonna be great.
Guys, you, uh, you scrappin'
and scrapin' out there okay?
Uh, is this good trembling
I'm feeling?
I can't do it!
Phew, thank God!
I was seriously
about to stop you.
I don't wanna be doing this!
Wait a second...
You're those suit people!
-You are bad guy!
-Whoa, AJ.
It's a bit more complicated
than that.
You see, the words
you just said,
well, they spoke volumes.
Hit us to the core.
Put things in sharp relief.
Completely rocked
our worldview.
It was like...
seeing The Matrix (1999)
for the first time.
Love that video.
You know, AJ...
I think we should tell you
how we ended up here.
I too think we should tell you
how we ended up here.
(dramatic theme playing)
SUIT AIDES 1 and 2:
I had an ordinary childhood
on a farm outside Fargo.
You could say
I was a normal kid,
even an uninteresting one.
I tended to hover
around the background,
unacknowledged by others.
This lead me
to be a weak-willed type,
so I was quick
to fall into a bad crowd
as I grew older.
It wasn't long before I got
into trouble and ended up...
-in military academy.
-in Catholic school.
BOTH:
Against all odds, I flourished.
Sorry,
could I stop you a second?
Did you guys ever wander
the town in a daze
for like a little bit, or...?
-I don't-- I think maybe?
-I guess I don't remember.
Huh. Okay, okay.
BOTH: Anyway, after graduating
with near perfect marks,
I applied for an assistant gig
with the mayor.
And I found
unexpected camaraderie
in my first
real friend...
-...him.
-...her.
BOTH: We spent so many
late nights working there,
but it didn't even matter
because we had so much fun.
And then one day,
hot out of nowhere,
like a bat out of hell,
it happened.
What on earth?
Was this allowed?
It felt like
we had invented it.
So, apparently what
we did is called "kissing."
So there's precedent!
And I'm not seeing anything
in here
that says it's ill*gal.
Goodness, gracious.
Should...
Should we do it again?
Yes, I believe
we should.
In fact, I think we'll do it
every day from here on out.
Hooray!
BOTH:
Life progressed as usual,
but...different.
We kept doing
the mayor's bidding,
but something had changed.
SUIT AIDE 2:
Y'know, I thought I enjoyed
having structure in my life,
but I'm realizing I just liked
being told what to do.
SUIT AIDE 1:
It felt freeing
to give control
to someone else,
like there was less chaos
in this life.
-SUIT AIDE 1: But...
-SUIT AIDE 2: ...it wasn't real.
SUIT AIDE 2:
From now on, the only person
I want telling me
what to do is...
BOTH:
...you.
Hearing you speak
about your feelings, AJ,
I realized we have
so much in common.
Yeah, you're just
another people, like us.
With your own struggles
and needs.
And thinking
about it now,
you may not deserve
to die
for wanting
your dog park back.
You were gonna k*ll me?!
Whoa, "gonna"
is a strong word.
I think the important thing is
that we didn't.
Hey, I agree.
Let's pivot to what
we're "gonna" do now, huh?
You put that in my words
and now I'm calm.
But this puts
dog park plans in flux!
Hey, what am I gonna do
about scraping and scrapping?
Unless you just lied
about working for the mayor,
and you're actually fully
licensed scrapers and scrappers?
Oh, no,
we are definitely licensed.
It was part of
our mayoral aide training.
Well, that--
That feels pretty specific.
Well, that might feel like
it seems pretty specific,
but the mayor
has to beef up her resume
and make it
roll off the tongue.
"Fighting, fishing, scrapping,
scraping, and sapping"?
Now, that sounds good.
That sounds like something
that could sustain us
through the second act
of a movie.
Well, "sustain"
is kind of a strong word.
(church bells ringing)
I now pronounce you
the best scrapper
and scraper in town.
You may kiss
the bride.
-(crowd applauding)
-("The Wedding March" playing)
(cans clanging)
Uh, you two wouldn't
be able to do this
for the "sapping" part,
would you?
Nah, you're gonna have
to do that one up for real.
Ope, here's my stop.
(woman clears throat)
We have some documents
at our place
that might help.
SUIT AIDE 1:
Here it is.
Well, it looks like
the mayor found out
we're on AJ's side now.
(rock theme playing)
Ahhh, that's the stuff!
You! Aides! Bad!
Betrayers! Bad!
Whew, well, I'm glad she didn't
say anything about me.
And you, AJ,
the bespectacled demon
who has conspired
to take everything from me.
You are more bad than bad.
And you're certainly
not "so bad it's good,"
as I get no ironic pleasure
from you whatsoever.
You, AJ, are atrocious!
Atrocious, maybe,
but at least
I wasn't just on fire.
(gasps)
That's a low blow.
Listen. Mayor.
There's still a chance
to end this rivalry.
Just give me
my dog park back
and it'll all be over.
(laughing)
Okay. Okay, now that
was "so bad it's good."
That was so charming
it's like outsider art.
No, I don't think
I'll be giving away
my Blog Park anytime soon.
(scoffs) And I will be ending
this rivalry...
tomorrow,
at the Fargo Sapfest.
I'll sap the sh*t out of you
and then this'll all be over.
Heh. Bye-bye.
Don't take this
the wrong way,
but don't you have
your own place?
No time for that.
(sniffs)
Sapping tomorrow.
(yawns)
It all comes down to...
this.
Hush little AJ
Don't say a blurb
Tomorrow's gonna be
The final word
And if that word
Is to be good
Tomorrow drain
Much sap from wood
And if that wood
Be pine or birch
Tomorrow is eastern
Orthodox church.
What?
I couldn't think
of a good rhyme.
Besides,
he's asleep.
Good point.
He won't remember.
Let's go to bed, too.
AJ: I will never forget
that bad rhyme
as long as I draw breath.
SUIT AIDE 2:
Well, AJ, how do you feel?
Yeah, pretty good,
except for I have no idea
how to sap a tree, so...
That's okay,
there are a bunch of tutorials
on YouTuub, see?
MAN (on video):
What's up, guys?
It looks like this year
is gonna be a great year
for the Taps and Tubes
community.
I'm SapperFlash45,
and this video is a tutorial
to take you through
the best ways
to sap your trees
with all the latest
announced taps.
If you want the full
sap tutorials
with no ad breaks,
don't forget
to become
a Super Sap supporter--
which leads us
to this video's sponsor:
Legends of Railguns.
This is a free to download,
free to play,
mobile tower defense game.
And if you sign up now
with the code "TreeSapper,"
you can get
20 free cyber diamonds!
(dramatic theme playing)
SUIT AIDE 1:
Welcome sap fans
and enthusiasts
of the AJ/Mayor rivalry alike
to this year's
Fargo Sapfest!
(crowd cheering)
As you all know, our sappers
will have five minutes
to sap as much sap
as possible.
Whoever saps
the most sap...
By volume,
not by weight...
...will be the winner
of today's Sapfest,
and by ancient Fargo law,
our mayor.
(crowd cheering)
In this corner,
you know her, you fear her,
the bodacious bringer
of our burgeoning blog park...
The mayor!
(rock theme playing)
(cheering)
And in this corner,
the sultan of brown hair,
the kaiser of glasses,
the baron of ordinary build...
AJ!
(light dramatic theme playing)
SUIT AIDE 1:
All right, fellas,
I want a good clean fight.
That is speaking morally,
of course we all expect
to get very dirty physically.
Audience, please apply
the sap-guards we provided.
And may the best mayor win.
(loud pop)
(lively theme playing)
First blood!
But of course,
one tree won't cut it.
No, sir, nor no, ma'am.
(growls)
(growls)
It's neck and neck!
Ahhh!
Well said, and I agree.
You might as well
give up now.
Why?
Because I want you to.
And I'm tired.
Well, that's too bad,
because I've got
a secret weapon.
-What's that?
-This!
(crowd gasps)
Oh, no! Is that allowed?
There ain't nothing
in the rulebook
that says no pushing.
Wow, that seems like
a pretty big
oversight, honestly.
This is the worst Sapfest
since '93.
(light dramatic theme playing)
Don't give up.
It's your time,
little seaswab.
I believe in you, son.
BOTH AIDES:
Just one last push, slugger.
Hey, I'm you.
Well, after seeing
ghostly visages
of people who are mostly
a few hundred yards away,
AJ is back on his feet
and out for blood-- I mean sap.
SUIT AIDE 1: While he was
on the ground, the mayor got
all the remaining
trees except one.
It's a dead heat
and a dead lock.
Whoever gets the most sap from
this tree will be the new mayor.
I can hardly keep
my a*s alive!
Drip for me! Drip!
Come on, come on!
Momma needs a new pair
of still being the mayor!
(Mayor giddily laughs)
I guess it was all for naught,
you pathetic waste of life!
(laughs) Why don't you go
f*cking die,
you worm, you nothing!
Jeez.
AJ:
Come on, think, think.
Is there anything I can do
to even the scales?
Anything I've learned
during my journey
that might be useful? Huh...
God, it makes my elbow itch
just thinking about it.
Wait...elbow!
(wood cracking)
Yeah, that's my elbow.
That's my son.
(rumbling)
-She's gonna blow!
-Take cover!
(dramatic theme playing)
AJ wins!
And he is the winner!
(crowd cheering)
Sorry,
but town law dictates
that you must now give up
your mayor seat
and accept the 2nd place prize
of a hundred million dollars.
BOTH:
Three cheers for our new mayor!
Hip-hip, AJ!
Hip-hip, AJ!
Hip-hip, AJ!
Hip-hip, AJ!
(upbeat theme playing)
-BOTH: Mayor.
-Please, call me Mayor.
Would you like to see
today's mayorialy reports?
Your mayorialy
buttered toast, sir?
Aides, aides, please.
You've worked enough.
I insist
you take a vacation.
Here, I got you
Hawaii tickets.
Wow. Thanks, Mayor AJ.
But what
are you gonna do?
Well, something
I've been wanting
to do for a long time.
(light dramatic theme playing)
(dog barking)
Excuse me, ma'am,
what year is it?
What a funny question,
Mayor AJ.
Why, it's 2039 of course!
(action theme playing)
It's been 15 years.
(police siren blaring
in distance)
No!
(scoffs)
Me old! Me scared!
(glass shatters)
Oh, Papa!
What of Papa?
Pop-- Oh, Papa!
You're all right.
Not exactly, son.
I have some bad news.
That's right,
I've gotten into
custom stone etching
and engraving.
Take a close look.
That doesn't seem
like bad news.
Sorry,
I meant good news.
I always get
those two mixed up.
Oh, Dad,
you gotta help me!
I can't find my pups!
Well, when I've
not paid attention to someone
for 15 years, I usually
look them up on social media.
How to social media!
Normally, I'd cozy up
at the ol' blog park
and social media
on one of their rigs,
but since
that's not an option,
I suppose
you could use the library.
To the library I go.
Just in case.
And that is the story of
how I ended up at the library.
(children cheering
and applauding)
(keyboard clacking)
(Internet warbling,
then chimes)
Huh.
Dang, they went to college.
I got what I needed,
but this would be
a lot better in open-air.
MAYOR:
What did I tell ya?
Gah! Mayor!
Why aren't you
15 years older like me?
Because we saw
each other last week.
Well, why aren't you
still trying to k*ll me?
Ha ha ha!
Oh, AJ.
After it was all done,
I realized I was substituting
having a goal for being
a fully formed person.
And you left all those people
behind in the process.
We're not so not similar,
you and I.
AJ, I want to help you.
You're saying you want
to team up,
like Sandman and Venom
in Spider-Man 3 (2007)?
I've never seen that video.
(light dramatic theme playing)
Diddy? Biff? Diddy? Biff?
AJ, look!
(knocking on door)
Come in.
I'm here, my babies!
You just missed them.
Zuh-whuh?
They're headed
to the airport
to study abroad
in Prague this semester.
No. Nooo!
(AJ sobbing)
Uh, you don't
recognize me?
I dunno,
you're some dumb kid
with stupid brown hair
and four gorgeous eyes.
Oh. AJ, I'm your godson,
AJ Jr.
Oh, my God!
Why do you look like me
instead of Danny or Morgan?
Well, I styled myself off
of vintage Polaroids of you.
Heh. I thought
you were cool, but...
you left Diddy and Biff
all alone for so long.
They were without
a father figure for years.
In other words,
I plan to eventually get around
to changing
my physical appearance
to something
more like my parents.
Maybe after finals...
No, please!
I want to make it right!
He wants
to make it right.
Thanks
for the backup, Mayor.
Okay, but you've
only got one chance.
May I?
Learned this
from my grand-god-dad.
(rattling)
If you hurry, you'll catch them
before their flight.
Hey, AJ Jr.
I'm a sorry.
You are?
Yes, I am one sorry.
(light dramatic theme playing)
Those aren't my dogs,
that's just two hot dogs.
I assumed we were talking about
two hot dogs this whole time.
What? Does that mean
you think dog parks
are for hot d--
You know what, never mind.
We don't have time for this,
we'll unpack that later!
Tickets please?
(gasps) Oh.
Carry on.
(phone beeps)
Mom, the mayors were here.
No, I didn't.
No. Is Dad still alive?
Hey, don't forget
your shoes.
(sighs)
Darn George W. Bush.
Not my president.
(digital beep)
There they are!
Ah, dang,
we're too late.
(sighs)
AJ, look closer.
(whimpering)
Diddy, Biff!
I barely recognized you!
Oh, man, guys.
Age has just ravaged
your little cherubic faces.
Heh.
But I'm one to talk, right?
(laughs)
Oh. But I have some good news.
We got our dog park back!
You guys don't have
to go to Prague after all.
So, just come with me
and everything will just be
right back to how it was.
Backpack?
Backpack?
AJ JR.: They're not going back
to your pack.
What? Why not?
I just did everything to get
our lives back, and I'm here.
Sure, you're here now.
But you didn't do
everything.
You missed everything.
AJ JR.: You just remember
the happy times.
And sure,
there were lots of happy times.
You loved them
and they loved you.
Like you,
they were incensed
when the dog park
was taken away.
They were happy to support you
in your quest to get it back.
That is, at first they were.
Slowly, you started
to focus more
on your goal
than anything else.
You became a stranger.
So what else
were they to do now, then?
They couldn't
wait around forever.
In the dark of night,
they decided
to find their own way.
AJ: Uh, except
maybe they didn't have to,
because I love 'em
so mu--
You know, I realized
I love 'em so much.
AJ JR.:
AJ, what are you doing?
AJ:
Just hear me out here.
Let's say, uh, I gave up
the whole thing
and, uh, Vinme is just as good.
It was all fine now
and then, you know, uh,
who needs buttered toast?
We've got bagels,
and actually,
it turns out
that bagels are a better value
than toast.
More calories, more filling.
A nice, hearty meal.
And I mean, sure,
there was a blog park,
but, heh, come on,
it's not such a big deal,
I mean, right?
There's actually
quite a lot of places
you can take a dog
that are, you know,
basically just as good.
I mean, look at how happy
we actually are.
Everything was, uh...
And everything was just great.
Then, you know,
Diddy and Biff
never did meet AJ Jr.--
Well, okay,
they probably did meet 'em
at some point,
but, like,
they didn't have to go
or leave
or anything like that.
It was all chill.
And I did a great job
understanding
everybody's emotions.
AJ JR.:
AJ, what are you doing?
Oh, hey, AJ Jr.
In here,
I didn't make the mistake
of ignoring everybody.
So I'm just gonna stick
with this, I think.
AJ JR.:
I'm not sure--
AJ, Diddy and Biff
were all happy
with all the replacements
to our routines
and everything went back
to normal.
Danny and Morgan decided
to move back to Fargo
and live with Luciano
because
they all love me so much.
Stewp's on.
(slow rock theme playing)
(both laughing)
AJ: The mayor and I
sorted it all out.
Turns out, well,
we actually have
a lot in common.
(keyboard clacking)
And we thought,
hey, why not
just combine
the two park ideas, hmm?
I came up with the name.
Pretty clever, right?
"Blog Bark."
-It's pretty clever.
-Right?
You might be wondering
about liabilities,
like people
with allergies.
Easy solution...
HAZMAT MAN:
Hey, what's that over there?
What...?
I dunno, I'm nearsighted.
AJ: We were all really happy
and we got older.
But getting older was okay
because we were all happy.
It was a long
and satisfying life
filled with love and loafs.
(heart monitor beeping)
Once I passed,
Diddy and Biff would be free
to do whatever they'd like:
go to college
or whatever it was.
They could be happy...
and I could finally rest.
So happy that I didn't die!
AJ JR.:
AJ.
AJ JR.:
AJ, listen to me.
I never died.
I just kept living
on and on.
That was a long time ago
It was some time ago
No regrets, no mistakes.
AJ JR.:
AJ, snap out of it!
What? What?
Hello? What?
They're gone.
No! No, they're not!
Look!
(wind howls)
Look closer.
(wind howls)
Oh...
They had
to catch plane.
Ohh...
Listen, it's not that
you can't reconnect with them,
it's just that you can't
reconnect with them at, like,
the exact moment
it suddenly
became important to you.
Ohh...
You can catch up later,
over computer.
Ohh-ver-computer.
Yeah, or when
they come back for Christmas.
Everybody comes back
for Christmas.
Oh, holy night.
You know, your solipsistic
fantasy was sort of messed up,
but there were
some good ideas in there.
Oh?
Like, why don't you and Mayor
share the park?
BOTH:
Hmm...
We do like each other now.
-We do, don't we?
-Mmm.
(dogs barking)
(slow rock theme playing)
What a scoop!
First adversaries
and now compadres!
Ey, kinda like us!
BOTH:
Ha ha! Ha ha!
Ha ha!
You know,
Mayor, I think
that you should have
your mayor job back.
Here.
I appreciate it,
but no thanks.
I've had my time in the seat--
I was mayor for 20 years.
You have.
Long time. You're right.
I just think now is the moment
for new leadership, you know?
But who,
who, who can do it?
(car horn honks)
So, what did we miss?
BOTH: Our first act
as mayors is to insist
that you finally
take a moment to catch up
with everybody you left behind
during this whole adventure.
'kay.
Hey. I'm sorry
I went so far.
I still have a lot
of growing to do, but...
If you'd let me,
I'd like to be
part of your life again.
Thanks for listening,
and again, I sure am sorry.
I'm not the same
coffee kiosk lady.
Think about how long
it's been.
Oh.
Yeah, that makes sense.
AJ, is that you?
I run the coffee kiosk now.
(gasps)
Uh, hey, uh, so do you have,
like, a name?
I've been calling you Mayor
this whole time.
I think I did...once.
But I don't remember.
Well, that's no good.
Everyone needs a name.
Even former mayors.
It's not too late,
why don't you give it a shot.
Okay, sure.
What the hay.
I think
I'll call myself...
Air.
I love it!
So what are
you gonna do now, Air?
You know,
I've always secretly dreamt
of being
a technical consultant.
But how do you break in
to such a competitive industry?
Need you say much more.
(dramatic theme playing)
You're hired.
I've been waiting
for this day...for so long.
(gentle piano theme playing)
Why, is it Christmastime
already?
Thank you, Lord.
(upbeat theme playing)
(lively chattering)
(keyboard clacking)
It's good seeing
these computers are on
way out here
in winter's time.
Yeah, that's cool.
Are you okay,
little lamprey?
You seem
distracted.
Yeah, I guess.
I just...
You know,
I just hope they come.
You're sure they got
the invitations, right?
Yes. You sent them
Media Mail-- with tracking.
Yeah, yeah, you're right.
Maybe I'll just close
my eyes until...
(dog barks)
Room for four more?
(gasps)
(whispers)
Thank you for forgiving me.
So, AJ,
what have you been up to?
I don't know,
just taking it easy, I guess.
Trying to kinda savor my time
like a nice chewy steak.
AJ: But hey,
what are we waiting for?
Let's party!
(all three laughing)
AJ: Yay!
AJ: Whee!
(upbeat theme stops)
(ominous theme playing)
(birds squawking)
(dogs barking)
(dial-up Internet
screeching and warbling)
(gasps)
I'm the military school guy.
Huh?!
You know,
from the Suit Aide flashback!
(hard rock theme playing)
(gasps)
(gasps)
DEMON LORD KROGLOCH:
AJ!
It is I,
Demon Lord Krogloch.
I have risen
to destroy Fargo
and summon my army
of haunted skeletons
to annihilate you!
Wha--? What's happening?
Oh, geez!
(car alarms sounding)
My favorite grocery store!
My favorite movie store!
This is AJ,
calling all air units.
We gotta light this guy up.
(air raid alarm roaring)
BIG DOGGIE: Don't worry, AJ,
we're gonna light this guy up.
Big Doggie to Snow Hornet:
verify target.
SNOW HORNET:
Target verified, Big Doggie.
(Stinger laughs)
I'm gonna be poundin'
a couple of cold ones
after this.
That the only thing
you're gonna be pounding,
Stinger?
No, I'm sorry, Snow Hornet.
Did you want an invitation?
Cut the chatter.
Let's light this guy up.
Whoo-hoo!
Roll herd! Horns up!
(roars)
Watch the hands, guys!
(automatic g*nf*re)
(roars)
(roars)
Oh, yeah!
(alarm beeping)
-Stinger?
-What is it, Snow Hornet?
You've been a good friend.
-(roars)
-(screams)
-Snow Hornet!
-Snow Hornet!
Big Doggie,
launch the black scorpions.
(grunts)
Come on...
Big Doggie, get out of there!
He's got shock powers!
(grunting)
Big Doggie...
Stinger, bone mace tail, 9:00
No!
(screams)
(car horns blare)
Oh, no,
my favorite butter burger store.
AJ, check this out.
Rise, my midnight children.
(Demon Lord Krogloch laughing)
(roaring)
Ope!
You're gonna
need this, son.
Why would you want
to destroy little ol' us?
Because we claim this lot
as the Krogloch Park!
That doesn't even rhyme!
Rhyme this, puny mortals!
(rock theme playing)
AJ:
Everything I've gone through,
everything I've learned,
it all makes sense now.
It all comes down to this!
(yells)
(grunting with strikes)
(both yelling)
(Rebecca Singer's??
"My Hill to Die On" playing)
Call it an obsession
But I call it a calling
I'm flying
I'm falling
I know that I'm right
Call it something special
It's the chance
Of a lifetime
It's my day
In the sunshine
It's my moment to fight
Every bone in my body
To the tips of my hair
Every part of me's
Electric with care
Every second
I can feel the pull
Of the thrill
Of the climb
To the peak
To the peak
To the peak
Of my hill to die on
Calling in a favor
We can reach it together
In the heat of the fever
I'll make you a believer
Nothing could be better
Than the top
Of that mountain
Where there's fame
and there's glory
In the power of story
You and I can make it
I'll be holding your hand
Sweet luck that somehow
You understand my love
Or how
Your bright eyes sparkle
With the thrill
Of the climb
To the peak
To the peak
To the peak
Of that hill to die on
Looking at the scenery
Is making me dizzy
The atmosphere is thin
Did I win, my love
And how
your bright eyes sparkle
With the thrill
of the climb
Oh, my beautiful friend
I would do it again
For all the time in my life
And the air in my lungs
I would try, but now I
I think I don't want to die
And as I feel the thrill
Of the pull of the hill
Eyes shut, heart catches
Are you here with me still?
My rock, my joy
My world
My shoulder to cry on
On the peak
On the peak
On the peak
Of my hill to die on
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