01x02 - A Fish Called Walter

[bunniefuu]

For centuries, scientists

have conjectured

that certain people are predisposed

to criminal behaviour.

In 1876, Cesare Lombroso

claimed to have found evidence

that some people

were born offenders.

He believed the criminal gene

could be passed on

and those that inherited it

were recognisable

by their physical characteristics.

One might wonder if Lombroso

had been drinking too much Lambrusco

when he developed his theory.

SOLITARY COUGH

LIVELY CHATTER

But what if one might

recognise a culprit

by the heaviness of his brow,

his receding hairline,

or maybe just

his unfeasibly large ears?

In truth, criminality

is much harder to discern.

Any one of us could be

harbouring murderess intent,

no matter how benign

our outward projection.

As long as I outrun you,

you b*stard!

It is only when our neighbour turns

out to be a serial k*ller

that we realise it.

Hello.

Poison may lurk in the most

innocuous of vessels.

I

SPLUTTERS AND GASPS

THUD,

GUESTS GASP

Your task this week is to write an

essay on the nature of a criminal.

Unexplained death,

50-something male,

almost instant, apparently.

Anything more?

Chief librarian at the university,

say his chapter's closed (!)

Half a dozen witnesses

in the immediate vicinity.

We're taking preliminary statements.

There are more than

a 100 names on this guest list.

We need contact

details for all of them.

We're going as quick as we can.

You can add another

20 staff to that number.

Got this list

from the head of catering.

Any chance it's just a heart attack?

Poisoning more likely.

Carbon dioxide in the Champagne

makes it work much faster.

Cheap and nasty Cava by the smell

of it, but the effect is the same.

He should have stuck to beer.

There are two glasses.

We'll test both.

The waitress we spoke to got

the glass from the service table.

If it is poison, anyone in the room

could have put it in the glass.

And anyone could have drunk it.

It's going to be a long night.

WHISPERING: Desperate Dan

seems delighted by the prospect.

You're such a b*tch, Martin.

You fancy him?

Oh, he fancies you, obviously.

Oh, right.

I don't blame him.

FRIDGE HUMS

MELLOW MUSIC PLAYS,

FRIDGE BUZZES

BANGING

MUSIC: 'L'appuntamento'

by Ornella Vanoni

I'm glad you finally noticed

the notice board.

Is there something on it

worth noticing?

It's a cliche, I know,

but beneath this lacquered veneer

Hm. Might I inquire,

in your wildest dreams,

what do you think the lifetime

of a refrigerator might be?

An IQ of a squillion,

but he needs help to buy a fridge.

I may appear to be

an ice queen, Professor,

but that doesn't make me

an expert in white goods.

BTW and FYI,

there are two visitors

from her majesty's constabulary

in your office.

TAPPING

Leave it, Dan.

SINGLE TAP

I really couldn't stop them.

'DS Donckers. Detective.'

You've made yourselves comfortable,

I see.

We're here about

the m*rder of Nigel Wiggins.

Detective Chief Inspector Brand

suggested the two of you

were acquainted.

Oh, yes, Mr Wiggins.

If ever there was a book

one could judge by its cover.

That's our problem.

No wife, no kids,

no friends, no hobbies,

definitely no scandals.

Just books.

We believe that whoever poisoned him

may have intended another target.

A reasonable assumption.

Thank you, Miss Snares.

I'm sure the Feng Shui

is fully restored by now.

There were a 115 guests

and 20 staff.

We've taken preliminary statements.

The trouble is any of them

could have put poison in the glass

and we have no idea who

the intended victim was.

We're looking at days,

maybe weeks of interviews.

If there's any psychological

insight that you can offer us,

Professor, that might help us

narrow the field would be

You appear to have retained

a meagre portion

of what you were taught here,

Detective Sergeant,

let me refresh your memory.

Poison is infrequently used

to commit m*rder,

it's the cause of death

in just under one half

of one percent of all homicides.

Perhaps more pertinent

to your inquiry,

women are seven times

more likely than men to select it

as the means to affect a fatality.

I hope that's of some use.

That could certainly help

reduce our list a little.

Ah, Mrs Claudine Froggatt.

You know her?

She works at the university,

one of many superfluous jobsworths

in the property

and accommodation office.

But not, in your opinion,

the type to commit a m*rder?

Are you of the opinion there's such

a thing as a murderess type?

No, I just wondered

if you thought she might be capable.

Who knows what any of us

are capable of in extremis.

Miss Snares, would you kindly

show the detectives out?

Of course, Professor.

As you know, I'm not one

to trade in tittle tattle,

but the word at the Departmental

Personal Assistant's

Lunch Club on Thursday

was that Mrs Froggatt has cause

for a certain amount

of righteous indignation.

With Mr Wiggins the librarian?

Goodness, no, with her husband,

the rather female-friendly

Mr Froggatt.

I see.

Hell hath no fury.

This one is long overdue, you know?

Toxicology have confirmed

it's cyanide.

There was a trace

in only one of the glasses.

There's every chance Wiggins

wasn't the intended target though.

We're working through

a list of attendees.

There's nothing for it but leg work.

I've asked Lisa and Dan

to see if Professor Tempest

might be able to narrow the field,

such a great help

to us on the r*pe case.

I think it might even be an idea

to put him on a retainer.

Something to think about, maybe.

Mrs Froggatt.

Oh, Professor Tempest.

May I offer my commiserations.

Oh, that's terribly kind of you.

Yes, what an awful shock,

poor Mr Wiggins.

I was referring to your husband,

and the reports that have reached me

of his infidelity.

I beg your pardon?

SONG: 'Orphee Aux Enfers: Can-Can'

Perhaps I was being

a little indelicate.

Perhaps.

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

My apologies,

I was under the impression

it was the talk

of the corridors.

It is?

MUSIC RESTARTS

If it has reached me,

then apparently so.

Well, I don't know what

business it is of yours.

Or anyone else's, for that matter.

When the officers

bring you in for questioning,

may I recommend you do not

conceal the unfortunate matter

of your husband and his dalliance.

Bring me in?

I imagine they will predominantly

be looking at female suspects

who may have had a motivate to wish

harm on someone attending the event.

FINAL MUSICAL FLOURISH,

FEMALE ORGASMIC GASP

MUSIC: 'Non Dimenticar'

by Flo Sandon's

Non dimenticar che t'h* ♪

Voluto tanto bene ♪

FRANTIC BANGING

T'h* saputo amar ♪

Non dimenticar ♪

Jasper, darling.

FADED: # Un sol ricordo

T'appartiene #

Don't crouch there like a Cossack,

it's bad for your posture.

Non gettario ancor ♪

Fuori dal tuo cuor. ♪

What are you doing here, Mother?

What?

What are you doing here?

I'm visiting the studio.

Now that you've

decided to move back in,

I thought I might also

take up residence once again.

Hm. And what do you want with me?

Sorry?

And what do you want with me?

I merely wish to ask when we can

expect this charade to be over.

How long do you plan to hole

yourself up in this catacomb?

Indefinitely!

Don't be ridiculous, Jasper,

this place is not good for you.

BANGS WINDOW

Not good!

Sharper than a serpent's tooth,

is to have a thankless child.

King Lear.

DOG YAPS

What's the hurry?

Mrs Froggatt's here, voluntarily.

Here you go, Mrs Froggatt.

Oh, thank you.

This my colleague, DS Donckers.

Hi.

Hello.

You were telling me,

your husband works long hours?

Yes, he's Chief Planning Officer

for the council

and Acting Treasurer

for the Museum's Board of Trustees.

Busy man.

Yes.

He always has been.

But recently it's non-stop.

He's

he's away evenings, weekends

I've barely seen him.

And that made you suspicious?

I-I found a credit card receipt

for a hotel room.

Stansted Mountfitchet of all places.

He just left it in his pocket

..like he didn't even care

if he were to get caught.

SHE SNIFFLES

SHE SIGHS

Thank you.

EXHALES

But there's something else.

Far worse

than the credit card receipt.

OMINOUS MUSIC

KNOCK AT DOOR

Good afternoon, Mr Froggatt.

Please, take a seat.

We're looking at the possibility

the glass of poisoned fizz,

at the reception,

was meant for you.

Whatever gives you that idea?

We received information about a man

who came to your house a while ago

and made threats to your safety.

Who told you that?

Your wife.

My wife?

She came to the station

to tell us in person.

She also told us you're having

an extra-marital affair.

Irate husband perhaps?

SIRENS IN DISTANCE

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

Hey, hey, give it a chance, love.

You heard what he said.

They're discovering

new treatments all the time.

TEXT ALER

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry,

I've got to go.

Be back later, I promise.

SOLEMN STRING MUSIC

KNOCK AT DOOR

Can I come in?

Please.

So, Froggatt claims he can't

remember any specific threat.

According to him,

you piss of a lot of people

when working in planning

for the council,

but I don't understand

Mrs Froggatt volunteering

so much information

about her husband.

I may have played a part in that.

In what way?

I merely suggested

she unburden herself to you.

So you think she attempted

to m*rder her husband, then?

How ridiculous.

Mrs Froggatt is obviously innocent.

Then why have me waste my time

interviewing her today?

Who says you wasted your time?

MUSIC: 'Il Mondo'

by Jimmy Fontana

No, stanotte amore ♪

Non h* piu pensato ha te ♪

h* aperto gli occhi ♪

Per guardare intorno a me ♪

E intorno ha me Girava ♪

Il mondo come sempre ♪

Gira, il mondo gira ♪

Nello spazio senza fine ♪

Con gli amori appena nati ♪

Con gli amori gia finiti ♪

Con la gioia e col dolore ♪

Della gente come me ♪

Oh mondo ♪

Soltanto adesso io ti guardo ♪

Funny place to meet.

SCUFFLE

Il mondo ♪

MAN GASPS

- Non si e fermat ♪

- MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

THUD

CHURCH BELLS RING

My doctor's prescriptions

are easier to decode than this.

I don't have bad handwriting.

I've just got my own font.

Morning. Have we ID'd him?

Jonathan Fell?

Yes, we did.

The phone was by his side,

keys were in his pocket,

driving licence and wallet

were in the car and this.

Uniform have been to the house,

nobody's in,

but the neighbours say they spend

a lot of time at the hospital

their daughter is being treated

for leukaemia.

Poor sod. Anything to suggest

it's not suicide?

He was still wearing his glasses.

And that's what that got to do

with the price of tea in China?

Maybe nothing, it's just

It's just what?

It's just this stat I remember

from one of my criminology lectures.

More than 90% of victims

remove their spectacles

before k*lling themselves.

Here we go again.

Hey guys, look at this.

There might be something

on the edge over there,

maybe a heel mark.

It's not exactly distinctive.

Let's make sure

we lift a proper print off of it.

That's something

concrete for us to work with.

No pun intended.

Not some crackpot statistic

from insufferable

Professor Know-It-All.

What's the occasion?

It's my birthday.

Oh, I wish I'd known,

I would have got you something.

Is he in?

BRISK KNOCK,

DOOR OPENS

Right.

Dig out the departmental

credit card

and get onto Lastminute.com.

MUSIC: 'Bambino'

by Dalida

Les yeux battus la mine triste

et les joues blêmes ♪

Did you know you can

buy cyanide on the dark web?

£15 sterling for 50 grams.

That seems surprisingly cheap.

You need approximately 0.15 grams

to k*ll an adult so 333 corpses,

give or take, for a mere 15 quid.

INCREDULOUS SCOFF

You're a trustee of the museum

aren't you?

Not for several years now.

Were you ever acquainted with

the treasurer, a Mr Roland Froggatt?

A preening popinjay.

But a generous donor to fundraising

appeals on the museum's behalf.

Well, he bought his way to whatever

status he currently enjoys.

I've been looking into

the library's affairs.

It would appear that a member

of the faculty has returned

a large number of periodicals

in the last 24 hours.

Interesting.

RECORD SKIPS

Some of which would have been

returned more than a decade ago.

RECORD CONTINUES SKIPPING

Given the sad demise of Mr Wiggins,

which, one assumes,

in no way motivated the return,

I'm proposing a moratorium

on outstanding fines.

RECORD CORRECTS ITSELF

Generous.

And in return for that generosity,

I wonder if,

on behalf of your mother,

I might speak to you about

your return to the family home.

No, you absolutely may not.

Well, that's all sorted, then.

We're trying to understand

how your husband died, Mrs Fell.

SHE SOBS

We have to look

at all possibilities.

Were you worried at all

about his mental state

the last time you spoke to him?

SOBS

Would you prefer it

if we saved the questions for later?

SOBS

PHONE VIBRATES

Yes, your largest bouquet of roses,

please.

Red.

Message, yes.

The message should read

"Sorry."

I'm surprised you came.

How's Desmond?

Derrick is fine, thank you.

How's your mother?

Good.

I gather you have a proposition.

I do.

How would you feel

about joining the team

as an advisor

on an ad-hoc basis?

We have some great talent here.

Lisa has amazing potential.

Dan is very solid and Paul

is extremely capable, he's just

Not much cop.

I was going to say he's dealing

with some personal issues.

So I understand.

The fact is we're very stretched

here at the moment,

dealing with the poisoning,

and there are questions

now being raised about the suicide.

We could really do with your help.

I'll certainly give it some thought.

Great, wonderful news.

Would you mind sitting in

on an interview with me now?

It's something I'd like

to spare Paul.

Hmm.

John was an optimist.

I never could understand

how he remained so positive.

Positive, optimistic people do not

generally commit suicide, Mrs Fell.

I suppose not.

Which suggests there may be

an alternative explanation

for his untimely demise.

m*rder?

An accident, more likely,

but since you mention it,

did you know that four out of five

murderers

are known to their victims?

In 72% of cases,

it's their long-term partner.

Are you suggesting that?

No, no, of course not.

'I'm suggesting there's

a high probability

'that you know whoever k*lled

your husband, Mrs Fell,

'if he was m*rder*d.'

'Jonathan got on with everyone.'

Your daughter's very ill.

Her chances of recovery are slim.

Jasper.

I'm so sorry.

It would make anyone angry.

She won't die. She can't die.

Your husband was angry too.

Jasper

He had every right to be.

MUFFLED: We don't need his help.

We're managing perfectly well

without him.

I understand what you're saying

but it's just as an advisor.

I'm not interested

in undermining you.

Don't hide behind the job

as an excuse.

We don't need his help.

He has an absolutely forensic brain.

I think we can all learn from him.

We're working perfectly well

without him.

Look

It's not a reflection on you.

No.

No, it's a reflection on you.

Eurgh.

Excuse me.

Apologies accepted.

Enjoy your Irish coffee.

I beg your pardon?

What did you say?

What did you say?!

It's a screw-top.

You buy screw-tops

because Mummy hides the corkscrews.

Mind your own business.

Can I grab you for a debrief,

both of you?

The Fells made a complaint

to the council

because they believed

Field Rose Homes

knew the site was contaminated

before building on it.

So what did the council do?

Nothing. Permits and paperwork

all supposedly held up.

The Fells have been preparing

legal action ever since.

Mr Fell working two jobs

to cover their legal costs.

Maybe Field Rose Homes were worried

the Fells were on to something.

Worried enough to push him

off a building.

Seems unlikely they would stage it

at one of their own developments.

What's the latest on the poisoning?

Back at square one. We've got

nothing on either Froggatt.

No, hang on. Froggatt works at the

council in the planning department.

Precisely so.

Mr Froggatt is responsible

for testing all building sites

for contamination

before planning permission

can be granted.

When Mr Fell discovered his

own house was built on toxic land,

he confronted Mr Froggatt

at his home and threatened him.

And shortly afterwards,

someone attempted to m*rder Froggatt

at the museum.

I do not believe in coincidence.

There's not a shred of physical

evidence to connect these two cases.

We've got this footprint.

And Mr Fell's belongings

are being examined for forensics.

We should have the results soon.

All right. Donckers, Winters,

dig into the Froggatts again.

DS Donckers?

This may prove useful the next time

you speak to Mr Froggatt.

It's a long list of numbers.

It's a long list of donations,

Detective.

Made on a council worker's salary.

Mrs Froggatt?

Sorry.

Do you recognise this man?

Yes. That's the man

who threatened Roland.

Thank you.

Hey, Martin, what's up?

'Well, we just found

some fingerprints

'from a third party

on Mr Fell's phone.

'Guess who they belong to.'

This report, signed by you,

finds no evidence of contamination

on a site where Field Rose Homes

went on to build 120 homes.

Yep, that would seem to be

the case.

Did they bribe you to say that,

Mr Froggatt?

I don't know

what you're talking about.

Do you know a Mr Jonathan Fell?

Can't say I do.

Your wife has identified Mr Fell as

the man who threatened you at home.

Like I said,

get a lot of complaints.

He and his wife bought

one of the new homes on that site.

They had the soil tested

independently.

Let me read it to you.

"There is significant indication

"of a ginormous shitload of

poisonous crap

"all over this hellhole."

It doesn't say that.

But that what it boils down to.

You know perfectly well

it used to house a zinc factory.

The Fells' daughter

is being treated for leukaemia.

Chances are her illness

is connected to the pollution.

We found evidence

on Mr Fell's laptop.

He purchased 50 grams of cyanide

through an ill*gal website.

The same poison that k*lled

Nigel Wiggins at the reception.

Did you return the favour?

Don't be ridiculous.

You weren't present

when Mr Fell died?

Could be anybody's footprint.

Look again, around the edges.

You don't tend to find

exquisitely hand-stitched loafers

on building sites.

You can come in now.

Doesn't prove anything.

But it's enough to get us

a court order

to find out where the money

came from

to fund your passion

for fancy Italian footwear

and for making donations

to the museum

with your swanky chums.

You realised Wiggins wasn't

the intended victim, didn't you?

Could you take your shoes off,

please, sir? No.

When you learned you might have

been the intended target,

you guessed who'd done it.

Your shoe, please, sir.

Was it your idea

to meet at the building site?

Funny place to meet.

Took a bit of a risk, didn't you,

meeting up with a man

who just attempted to m*rder you?

It's going to be quite something,

don't you think?

Perhaps you figured

he wouldn't have the nerve

to try anything face-to-face.

Someone like me could never afford

to live somewhere like this.

Oh, but you could.

Did you tempt him up there

with a proposition, Mr Froggatt?

Just drop the case

and I'll sign over the deeds.

You can shove your blood money.

It's not for you, it's for her.

In a few years,

when she's recovered.

Forget it.

Everything you just said

..recorded.

I think you lashed out in a panic.

Give me the phone.

YELLS

THUD

DOG BARKS

So much of a panic, in fact,

after you erased everything

you forgot to wipe your fingerprints

off Mr Fell's phone.

It was an accident.

I thought everyone would assume

he committed suicide

..because of his daughter.

Right.

Let's get pissed.

What's up?

Doesn't it bother you that

we've got no eyewitness accounts

of Mr Fell at the museum that night?

So?

There were a 130 people present

and no-one saw him

and that thing the Professor said

about poison being

an infrequent means of m*rder.

There's something vengeful about it.

Exactly.

But everyone said

he's such a decent person, Mr Fell.

What were we saying about the pub?

It's a bit early, isn't it?

Ne me quitte pas ♪

Il faut oublier

Tout peut s'oublier ♪

Qui s'enfuit déjà ♪

Oublier le temps des malentendus ♪

Et le temps perdu

- À savoir comment ♪

- What did you say?!

Oublier ces heures ♪

DISTORTED: What did you say?!

SONG DISTORTS

Ne me quitte pas ♪

Here's to k*lling two birds

with one stone.

I promise I won't take advantage

of you if you get sh*t-faced again.

Not everything is about you, Dan.

Wow, I'm glad you decided

to come to the pub (!)

PHONE CHIMES

Sorry, I've got to take this.

Don't mind me.

Hello.

No, I'm in a pub.

Are you all right?

All finished, love?

No, our dinner date is tomorrow.

Are you sure you're OK?

Of course, darling. It's just

I thought I could smell some gas

in here,

so I've opened some of the windows

just in case.

All right, OK, hang on,

I'll be right there.

Sorry, I have to go.

Got competition, have I?

You have to be a contender

for there to be competition, Dan.

125, 130.

Thank you.

I'll be in a bit late tomorrow.

Mr Tucker? DS Donckers.

Yeah, I remember.

I'm afraid I'm pretty busy.

Two minutes, that's all.

Unless you'd rather I got

on the phone

to Her Majesty's Revenue

and Customs?

OK, OK. Two minutes.

MUSIC: 'Vai Tu Sei Libero' by Dalida

SONG DISTORTS

Sir?

Excuse me.

Is everything OK?

Can I help you?

I'm looking for Lena Fell.

Are you a relative?

Family friend.

Room 116.

Which way is that?

Just follow the yellow dots.

Mrs Fell?

I'd like to be left alone,

if you don't mind.

I will not stay long.

My father died when I was seven.

I was raised by my mother.

If Lena pulls through,

she'll need her mother too.

A mother who is not burdened

by her conscience.

Why should I be worried

about my conscience?

Because our conscience

is our foundation.

Once contaminated

it can destroy everything.

Come with me.

"Come with me"?

I'm not your dog.

Listen, I'll call you back, yeah?

Cheers.

Jonathan Fell didn't k*ll

Nigel Wiggins.

It's been bothering me.

He wasn't on the guest list

and he wasn't on the list of staff

supplied by the catering company.

So he slipped in unnoticed?

And left before we arrived.

I've been having another friendly

chat with the catering manager.

Turns out there are another

three people in attendance

we haven't accounted for.

They were off the books,

cash in hand, all women.

I was able to get the full list.

23 staff all in the building

at the time of the m*rder,

and look who's on it.

You can't imagine how it feels.

I should have protected her.

How can you protect your child

against something can't even see?

So the two of you

decided to k*ll Froggatt?

Not Jonathan.

He was furious.

Heartbroken.

But still hopeful.

'I was researching alternative

therapies for Lena.

'A lot of very desperate people

swear by the use of Vitamin B17.'

It's a natural form of cyanide.

And then once you start looking

well, you can buy pretty much

anything on the internet.

And when the package arrived, it was

simply a case of delivering it.

I've been doing cash-in-hand stuff,

birthdays, wedding, christenings,

and one of the firms I worked for

was hired to work at the reception.

I wasn't sure I could go through

with it.

But then I heard him boasting

..about how much money he'd donated.

For a bloody book.

And everyone was praising him,

telling him how generous he was.

And my Lena's lying sick

in the hospital.

That made my blood boil.

But then

..someone took the glass before

I had a chance to give it to him,

and there was nothing I could do.

PEOPLE GASP

I know that scum had m*rder*d

my husband

..but I couldn't say anything, could

I, because then you'd arrest me,

and Lena would be on her own?

What's gonna happen to my baby?

She is certainly being

taken care of, Mrs Fell.

You don't have to worry.

SNIFFS

Poor little fish.

I have studied your papers

with the closest attention

and I have to say not a single one

shows the slightest sign

of clarity, insight or intelligence.

Instead, I propose to read

an extract

on the nature of a criminal

by a former student,

who happens to be in possession

of a first-class mind.

"Criminality and brutality

are not an inevitable inheritance

"from our bestial forebears.

"Each of us is capable of cruelty,

but many of us

"most, indeed,

do not succumb to that urge.

"Despite poverty or provocation,

society is not lawless.

"Only the worst give in

to base instincts,

"be it greed or covetousness

or lust.

"The mind of the m*rder*r

is formed in increments.

"It takes shape when someone

decides to walk that dark path

"..yet others

with far greater reason turn away."

You knew, didn't you?

You didn't want Mrs Fell

on your conscience

..for Lena to be left

without a mother.

Professor, if that is the case,

I ask you to consider

DCI Brand's proposition.

I could learn a lot from you.

I was under the impression

I'd already accepted.

Hmm.

I do not believe

we have been acquainted.

"Walter's the name.

How are you doing?"

Dream, dream, dream, dream ♪

When I want you in my arms ♪

When I want you

And all your charms ♪

Whenever I want you ♪

All I have to do is dream ♪

Dream, dream, dream ♪