08x09 - Whip-Its and Emotionally Attuned Babies

[bunniefuu]

I need some advice.

About what?

Doesn't matter, just go.

Never play poker with a man

named after a city.

Where were you 25 years ago

when Toledo Tony cleaned me out?

You know, it helps

if you're more specific
about these things.

Okay, fine. There is something
that's been driving me crazy

forever, and I haven't
complained about it because,

you know, healthy,
bigger, better person.

But my husband owns a bar
and I'm a recovering alcoholic.

And here's
his non-alcoholic drink menu:

coffee, water
and lemonade from a powder.

And yes, that's
a real menu.

He actually printed that up.

So here's what I need
to know from you:

why doesn't he love me?

Evel Knievel

couldn't make the leap
you just did.

It's not a leap.

Why can't he
put some thought into it?

Why don't you put some thought
into it?

Why don't youput
some thought into it?

You're a creative person,

you certainly have some
experience with drinking,

why don't you come up
with something

and see if he'll
put it on the menu?

Well, when you decide
to give up therapy,

might I suggest
Girl Scouts leader?

Someday, I'm gonna write
a paper on you.

But not until
I'm ready to be famous.

You're cranky. Does that mean

you're still not
having sex with anyone?

I have a person
I speak to about these things,

and it's not you.

Wait. You have a therapist?

All therapists have therapists.

So if you have a therapist
and your therapist

has a therapist and
that therapist has a therapist,

that means everybody
in the world has a therapist,

and that means that
I will be someone's therapist,

so you should
really be paying me.

How am I the one
who's still single?

[scoffs] I knew it.

♪

I've got carrot, beet,turmeric for Jill.

Oh, that's me.

Trevor?

Hey, Jill.

Oh, God, why now?

Hey!

Oh, pardon my appearance.

I just... I just ran five miles.

Oh, what a coinky-dink--
I just ran six.

Really? Did a professionalmakeup artist run alongside you?

Oh! [laughs]

Oh, aren't you sweet?

So how you been?

Good, good. Yeah, in fact,

I was thinking
about you last week.

Do tell.

Well, my allergies flared up.

And, uh, it was just
a lot of sneezing.

[sniffles]

Really moist.

And the Kleenex box cover
that you gave me,

uh, really turned it
into a positive experience.

Oh, and here I thought
the only people

would be using that
was your patients.

No, my nose
is constantly running.

I ruin a lot of sleeves.

Hey, how about
we change the subject?

Kale smoothiewith lady boost for Trevor?

Subject changed.

I'm low in iron and folic acid.

Why should you gals
have all the fun, huh?

[laughs]

Well, your secret's
safe with me.

It's funny, 'cause I'm usually
the one keeping the secrets.

[short chuckle]
'Cause of my work.

Oh, you must have
some good ones.

Oh, I really do.

[laughs]

Oh, you want me to tell you.

No, I can't do that.

Although I would be way more fun
at parties if I could.

[both laugh]

Oh.

Well, I should get going.

I was just about to say that.

Sure you were.No, no, no, really.

I-I say that all the time.

Here, allow me.

It's the other push.

There's that ladyboost kicking in.

Just don't burst
into tears on me.

Okay, mocktail number one.

This one has cold brew coffee,
a little maple syrup,

vanilla bean
and grated cinnamon.

That sounds great.

Oh, wait, wait.

Oh, I love that sound.

Remember whip-its?

Neither do I--
they k*ll a lot of brain cells.

Bonnie, this is terrific.

I like it.

Okay, that's a thumbs up
on Sunday Funday.

Mm-hmm.

Next we have the Sparkly Pony.

Ooh!

Smells a little weird.

Awfully picky for someone

who used to drink toilet wine.

Please note the edible glitter
on the rim.

Hmm.

Mmm!

I love it.

So do I, but I'm much too manly
to admit it.

Yeah, you are.

You got a little glitter
on your lip.

[whoops]
Two for two.

This one... I call

the Wishbone.

Taste it before I tell you
what's in it,

but I'm pretty sure
this is the home run.

[chuckles]

What the hell?

That is nasty!
[gags]

Maybe I put in
too much turkey broth.

What?!

It's a riff on Thanksgiving.

There's broth, cranberry juice,

sage and muddled pumpkin.

I think you've got
a muddled pumpkin.

[laughs]If you don't
fly close to the sun,

you'll never get there.

Well, you're two-thirds
of a whacked-out genius,

'cause those are great.

Seriously, keep going and
we'll have a whole menu.

You mean it?Yeah, just nothing else
meat-based.

Aw, so that's a no
on the bacon gimlet.

Actually, I'd like to try that.

It's called the Piglet.

Make it right now.

This is nice.

We never have lunch,
just the two of us.

It is nice.

I have a problem.

I had a feeling.

You know how sometimes
you think you shouldn't

do something,
but the universe is

telling you that you should?

Isn't it smarter
just to listen to the universe?

How about you listen
to what's in your heart?

Yeah, well,
my heart says it wants me

to go out
with Bonnie's therapist.

Your heart is out of its mind.

Didn't Bonnie make it very clear

that she's not comfortable
with that?

Yeah, but I ran into him
at my juice place the other day,

and he was sweaty
and kind of goofy,

but for some reason,
I can't stop thinking about him.

I had a BLT yesterday
I can't stop thinking about.

Doesn't mean I should date it.

Taylor, what do you think?

I think Bonnie needs a therapist
more than you need a man.

Now would you two order already?

Bonnie Plunkett
is ruining my life.

How so this week?

Keeping in mind that our session
is only 90 minutes.

The planets have aligned for me

in a way they never have before.

A lovely, sophisticated,
kind, generous woman

has taken a liking to me,
but I can't pursue it

because she's Bonnie's friend.

It's a clear ethical violation.

But she's so hot!

You didn't mention "hot."

But no.

But no one like her has ever
been attracted to me before.

She was definitely
head cheerleader.

My only friend
was a gifted ten-year-old

taking a bunch of AP classes.

You're angry.

He was my only friend.

I wasn't his.

I mean because you feel
like you don't have choices.

I don't.

But you do.

You could choose to take this
as a positive affirmation

of your appeal
to the fairer sex and move on.

Or you can choose
the cheerleader,

quit your job
and blow your life up.

You know I'm not gonna do that.

And why is that?

Because I really care
about my work

and the people that I treat.

Including Bonnie Plunkett.

Which is why you're choosing
not to date her friend.

As long as Bonnie's
your patient,

it's completely off the table.

She's gonna be
my patient forever.

We all have one of those.

[Trevor chuckling]

Hey!

Adam put the new drinks
on the menu right away.

And people love them.
They're a hit.

And that makes me feel like
people love me and I'm a hit.

And you know who I have
to thank for that?

Me.

I'm the one who said I need
to find a new purpose in life.

God, I felt so stuck

when I first came here,
and now I'm so productive.

I'm so happy for you, Bonnie.

Well, hang onto
your happiness hat,

'cause you may be out
$35 a week.

What?

I don't think I need
therapy anymore.

Go on.

I'm serious-- I just needed
a little confidence.

And now there's
nothing stopping me.

I can feel in my bones
my career is on the way.

And I'm gonna grab it
and have a meteoric rise.

And, you know, Adam is
gonna be so proud of me

when they're bottling
my mocktails

and selling them
in supermarkets.

Until he starts resenting me
for outshining him,

which is ridiculous
because I've done nothing

but show up for him and his bar,

but now that I make more money
than he does, I'm the enemy?

Because I'll just be reminding
him of his personal failures.

And he won't be able to take it,
so he'll leave.

And without him,
I'm lost and alone

and I'll never be happy again.

I think I need
to come twice a week.

How's Thursday?

Can't do Thursday.

Spinach, cucumber,
cayenne pepper.

And, no,
I did not just have one.

[panting]:
Jill.

What?

Twice in one week.

What are the odds?

I minored in statistics--
they're very low.

Ah, well, we got to stop bumping
into each other like this.

[laughing]:
We really do. Goodbye.

Wait, you just got here.

I left my wallet at home.

Well, I can spot you.

Oh, no, no.

They barely respect me here
as it is.

If a woman pays
for my lady boost, I'm finished.

Goodbye.

This is a fire code violation.

Isn't he so hot?

You look great-- why
are you so dressed up?

I was told to expect
a Sex and the Cityvibe.

You know, it's still just a
bar with barrels for tables.

Look at us.

Out at a bar,
martini glasses in hand,

but we're not drinking,
so we won't wake up tomorrow

with soul-crushing regret

or our mug shots
on the news.

[laughs]Who needs another round?

I do.

I don't have five hands.
Tammy, help me out.

Mm, sure, I love waitressing
on my night off.

I'm gonna hit
the ladies' room.

This little piglet has to go
"wee, wee, wee." [chuckles]

You know,
like the toe thing for kids.

We got it, sweetheart.

Hey. Real quick,
while Bonnie's not here,

um, I ran into Trevor again,
accidentally on purpose.

Well, which one was it?

Accidentally for him,
on purpose for me.

[chuckling]

Oh, save the judgy face.

He blew me off.

Oh, regardless, Jill.

You're just trying to see
how close you can get

to doing something wrong
without doing something wrong.

And you know what I call that?

Doing something wrong.

Adam says these are
on the house,

but I disagree,
so you can give me

your money directly.

Why is everything
always about you?

What's your problem?

I finally found
a guy I want to be with,

and you won't let me.

Well, unless it's my husband,

I don't know
what you're talking about.

[scoffs]
I don't want your husband.

I want your therapist.

Oh.
You sure you
don't want Adam?

I mean, no offense
to Trevor.

He's cute in a "won't you be
my neighbor" kind of way.

If you want to go out
with Trevor,

go out with him.

But you said he's off-limits.

Yeah, but that was
before I knew you were doodling,

"Mrs. Jill...

whatever-his-last-name-is"
in your notebook.

You don't know
your therapist's last name?

I barely know your last name.

The point is, if you don't like

where I stand on something,
ask me again the next day.

Thanks to menopause,
I will have either forgotten

or changed my mind.

You mean it?

Of course I do.
You're my friend.

I want what's best for you.

That's very generousof you.It is.

BT dubs, everybody
at this table owes me $8.50,

and I haven't heard
my Venmo ding.

[sighs]

You were right.

I don't like to read.

[door opens]

[grunts]

Hey, babe.
Hey.

You and the ladies
seemed to have fun tonight.

By the way, were you
the one who left a note

in the tip jar that said,
"Comb your hair"?

What? No. [chuckles]

But now that
a complete stranger said it,

why not give it a try?

Anyway, it was cool
having you guys there.

Yeah, we might make
"not-drinking" at your bar

a regular Tuesday thing.

I love it when you're happy.

I am.

Mwah.

Although...Oh, boy.

Jill said something to me
that didn't bother me

at the time, but I'm starting
to realize it enrages me.

She wants to date Trevor.

That's weird.

Right?

My best friend and
my therapist are gonna be

talking about me during sex.

[stammers] You really think
that's gonna happen?

I talk about me during sex.
Why wouldn't they?

Aren't you jumping the g*n
a little bit?

They haven't even gone
on a date yet.

Well, things don't have
to actually happen

for me to be upset about them.

That's why I stopped
telling you about my dreams.

Why don't you call Jill

and find a way
to work it out together?

That sounds rational.

Probably why it feels wrong.

Can we be done?

Sure.

But seriously...

put a comb through
your hair every once in a while.

♪

♪

[takes deep breath]

Oh, no.

Now I'm "not-drinking" alone.

Hey, do you know if he's in
there with a patient right now?

Sorry.

You look like that neighbor
who knows what's going on.

He has appointments
at 11:00, 1:00 and 4:00.

Thank you. [chuckles]

[doorbell rings]

Jill. [chuckles]

This is a...
What are you... What...

Hi. [chuckles nervously]

Um, you didn't come by
the juice place this morning,

so I... I brought you a kale
smoothie with a lady boost.

[chuckles] Wow.

I have a folic acid deficiency.

[chuckles]

Well, this is
a very thoughtful gesture.

[both laughing]

Mmm!

[chuckles]:
Whoa, a lot of ginger.

Ah. [chuckles][clears throat]

Okay, confession time.

I like you.

Whew.

I've never been the first one
to say that before.

[chuckles]
Congratulations.

I'm flattered.

[chuckles]

Red-hot flattered.

[both chuckling]

But...

I cannot like you back.

"Cannot" or "do not"?

Because I talked to Bonnie,

she gave us
a big ole green light.

Yay for Bonnie.

[both laugh]

But I still can't be interested.

See, now, that was
a weird way to say that.

Your 1:00 will be here soon.

I know what time it is.

Actually, she's right, come on.

[clears throat]

Oh, boy. [sighs]

[whispers]:
Be strong.

Why can't you be interested
in me?

Because your friend is
my patient,

and that would be unethical.

Well, is there a scenario
where we just don't tell anybody

and it makes it
that much hotter?

Oh, how I've pondered
that very question.

Mm. Unfortunately,
all roads lead to no.

So you're saying
you've pondered me?

My ego wants to believe

that you find me irresistible.

But...

my shrink-y sense
tells me

that there's almost definitely
something else going on here.

Yeah, what's going on is
I'm used to getting what I want,

and I don't know
what's happening.

Interesting, and
this is a situation

where you've been told
you can't have what you want.

First by Bonnie
and then by me.

So...?

So everyone has moments
where they want something

that they can't have.

[sighs]:
Everyone.

The question is, why?

How do you characterize
your relationships with men?

Well, they start out great...Mm-hmm.

and usually end in disaster.

That could stem
from a fractured relationship

with a parent.

How are things
with you and your father?

Not good.

Tell me more.

Oh, it's not much to tell.

Just your basic
"Mom kills herself,

Dad wants nothing to do
with you anymore" situation.

Jill, that sounds
incredibly painful.

It is.

So what do you think, dinner?

I think your feelings
have my face on them,

but they have nothing
to do with me.

How are you doing this
so quickly?

I would slow it down
if you were paying me.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

Well, if we can't date, then...

...can you be my therapist?

Not as long
as I'm treating Bonnie.

God, why do you guys have
so many rules?

It's not like
you're real doctors.

I'm gonna tell myself that has
nothing to do with me, either.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

Have you just left
my therapist's bed?

Did you talk about me
during the deed?

No.

Trevor and I will
not be getting married

and having adorable,
emotionally attuned babies.

What happened?

Well, long story short,

he chose his relationship
with you over me.

He did?

Wow.

[chuckles]: I have to admit,
I'm a little relieved.

I thought you were okay with it.

Well, who knows with me?
I'm all over the place.

Poor Adam.

No, he deserves it.

Why don't we order
some mocktails and talk about

all the many ways
life finds to disappoint us.

Here's one: mocktails.

They're starting to scare me.

What do you mean?

Back when I was drinking,

sometimes just knowing
I was about to have a drink

gave me as much relief
as actually having one.

Mm. I get that.

Just putting
a bottle of Dom on ice

used to make me feel
all safe and warm.[groans]

We drank so differently.

But, yeah, last night
I was making a mocktail at home,

and I got the sense
like the cavalry was coming.

It felt so good.

And that felt dangerous.

How lame am I?

I can't even handle
pretend drinking.

Oh, honey, you got to do
whatever you got to do

to protect your sobriety.

You know, if something
brings you closer to a drink,

whatever that is,
you shouldn't do it.

It's why I can't eat olives
or go to Dollywood.

That's a shame.

Dolly Parton is
a national treasure.

Mm-hmm.
Hey, Arlo.

Hey, Bonnie. Can I get
you guys something?

Club soda, no ice,
no lime, no nothing.

And I will have
a Sparkly Pony, please.

What? It doesn't bring me
closer to a drink.

So, it turns out
the list of things

I can't drink
continues to get longer.

Can't have c*ck.

Can't have mocktails.

Can't have milk.

I mean, I can,
but it becomes unpleasant

for the people around me.

I am impressed.

You saw what was happening and
you did what you needed to do

to take care of yourself.

You were in your own corner.

I was.

And you know who I saw there?

A guy named Trevor...

...Wells? Really?

Huh, people at Ellis Island
clearly got bored.

Really, Plunkett,
you want to go there?

Well, anyway,
thank you.

You could have chosen Jill,
but you chose me.

My job is to take care of you,
and I take that very seriously.

I know, but there were
a lot of people in my life

who had that job and
most of them pooped the futon.

But you were there for me,

and my respect for you is
up to here.

And for what it's worth,

Jill would've been lucky
to have you.

You're a catch.

Thank you.

And did you say futon
because you know I sleep on one?

This just in.
Now you're here.