04x04 - Autonomy

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Family Law

- What's going on?
- If you don't get out now, I'll have

the police charge you with as*ault.

And good luck to the next sucker who

has to defend himself
against your imagination.

I messed up.

You'll never get that time back, but I

promise I will do everything
I can to make it right.

I've been in discussions with
Marcus Peterson about a merger.

Sorry, what?

Since you're my partner, I
wanted to bring you into the loop.

I should have been in the loop before
you two even had a discussion.

What's wrong?

Do your neighbors
keep their liquor bottles in

the toilet tank as well?

My friends bet me 50 bucks I couldn't

- talk to the cutest guy in this place.
- I'm pregnant.

- But you're not actually gonna...
- Yes, I'm keeping it.

But don't worry, I don't
expect anything from you.

I just thought, morally
speaking, I should let you know.

Goodbye.

Dude, ever heard of a condom?

We used one.

At least, I think we did.

I can't believe you got your
one-night stand pregnant.

You are incapable of
having a sexual encounter

without turning it into a
long, drawn-out downer.

That's not true.

Oh, I'm having a no-strings-attached affair

with a chef until her
boyfriend gets back to town.

Cut to you, Chase, moping for a year

and Martyr M seeing their wedding.

What's that got to do with this?

Now it's, oh, this is
gonna be my sl*t era.

Cut to I'm having a
baby with a stranger.

It's not my fault Jude wants to keep it.

Wait, the baby mama is that chick who

- mackdaddied you at the bar?
- Yeah.

Dude, you got played.

She's trying to lock you down.
Tell me you ordered a DNA test.

Of course I did.

There's no way this baby is yours.

You're right.

- There's no way.
- Think about it.

There's no one to date in this city.

Either my standards
have gotten higher or the

men have gotten worse.

I thought you were sleeping at Ben's.

We, uh, we broke up.

Abby, no.

What did you do?

What did I do?

Well, you have a very
aggressive personality.

Look, the women in our family are stubborn,

but trust me, you won't
do better than Ben.

So I say this with love, fix it.

Unfortunately, this can't be fixed.

Good morning.

Morning.

So last night was
unexpected, but nice, very.

No, I'll get her.

Don't forget to use the
special diaper cream.

You're doing it again.

Sorry, working on it.

This booth is bringing
me right back, Robert.

How many all-nighters do we pull here?

When you were a wee
articling student at my firm.

Cramming for court.

Blitzed on bottomless coffee.

It's been way too long.

How's retirement?

I don't recommend it.

I gave it a test drive
myself a few months ago.

Didn't agree with me either.

Are you still in your Point Grey house?

I am.

Although it's felt pretty
cavernous since Anna passed.

- She was an incredible woman.
- Yeah.

- Knew how to throw a party.
- Oh, I know.

Now I hear you're back with Joanne.

Her, I remember, quite a looker.

She's even more beautiful
now if that's possible.

Although things didn't work out with us.

I'm sorry to hear that.

- How's the firm?
- Doing well.

Lots of changes.
Daniel's a partner now.

Good for him.

He's a decent lawyer, but he's silly and

lacks respect for the
shoulders on which he stands.

I can one-up you.

My son... has hired
a lawyer to strong-arm

me into handing
over power of attorney.

Buffer, that's terrible.

Let me represent you.

I-I-I don't need help.

Of course not, but a
professional buffer could

save your relationship with your son.

Ahhh, not sure there's anything to save.

But, uh, yes, it's okay.

Stick your hands in the corners of the

fitted sheet, holding it lengthways.

Then bring your hands together.

And the right corner
goes over the left one.

So do I...?

This is really hard to learn.

Once you do, it's just
like riding a bicycle.

But I don't know how to ride a bicycle.

How's the trial
roommate situation going?

BOTH: Great.

- How's it really going?
- Honestly, surprisingly well.

He's following all my rules.

- Your 9 a.m. is in the boardroom.
- Thanks.

Hello, Theo. I'm Abigail Bianchi.
How can I help you today?

- I'd like to get a divorce.
- You've come to the right place.

You and your spouse are
claiming irreconcilable differences?

My marriage was destroyed by Jezebel.

- So adultery?
- No, not a mistress.

My mother-in-law.

My husband always prioritized
his relationship with his mother.

Monica's a monster, but he's too blinded by

Oedipal love to see it.

Your ex has certainly
done well for himself.

He created a video
conferencing platform that took off.

- Before or after you got married?
- Before.

Do you have a list of assets
acquired during the marriage?

Oliver took care of
all the business-y stuff.

- I took care of the home.
- We'll request financial disclosure.

That won't be a problem.

We never fought about money,
or sex, or dishes, or anything...

but Monica.

You must think it's crazy to end a
relationship over one thing.

Not if it's a deal-breaker.

Speak to you soon.

Cecil, can you get Portia Ifa's office to

send over the financials
for Kip V. Hatcher?

Yeah, totally.

- Hey, do you have a minute?
- Yeah.

I found Ben's secret
vodka stash last night.

I ended it.

I hate that I had to, but...

I'm too scared.

If you don't put on your own oxygen

mask first, you're not helping anyone.

I just thought he was it.

[SOBS]

What's going on with you?

Had my first radio segment
at the Phoenix tomorrow.

You'll knock it out of the park.

Also, Maggie and I had sex.

Maggie who abducted your baby?

I think we're getting back together.

- Cool origin story.
- What's a cool origin story?

She's pregnant.

- Who?
- Exactly.

She was a one-night stand.

She has a pet rat.

She says it's mine. Not the rat that...

Wait, are you saying
you got her pregnant?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- You brought it up.

I have a partner's meeting.
I need to focus.

Oh, that's the last item on the agenda.

So, meeting adjourned.

Is there something else?

We still need to discuss the other thing.

Jerry, would you mind giving
us a moment to speak privately?

Of course.

I've had time to think about the
merger, these are my terms.

No... no... no.

We can discuss this in the future... No.

Okay.

I'm ready to move
forward with the discussion.

Daniel, you cannot tell anybody about this.

Not Abigail, not Jerry,
not that pasty lawyer

you play with on the beach.

We don't...

My lips are sealed.

I reviewed Mr. Hatcher's financials.

Somehow our client's
tech tycoon husband is cash

poor with no assets.

- Smells fishy.
- So, catch the fish?

- So, you want me to...?
- Track the money, Cecil.

Ah, got it.

Put a big sign on my door
that says, gone fishing.

Well, if I had a door,
that is... I would...

Yeah.

Your client's bid for POA is preposterous.

Robert has the sharpest
mind of anyone I know.

No one is questioning
Robert's mental competence.

Obviously, you are a legend.

However, Mr. Jennings
feels that his father would

do better in an assisted living facility.

I bet he does.

Dad, that old house would be a lot

for anyone to handle alone.

I am capable of running my own household.

The gutters are clogged.

There's an inch of dust on everything.

The only thing in the fridge is a

row of expired condiments.

The good news is these
problems can be outsourced.

I have a wonderful
housekeeper, and I recently

learned about a meal delivery
service called Dine Dispatch.

I have tried all of that.

My father turned the cleaner away and told

the Meals on Wheels
woman she was trespassing.

That's hospital food for people
that can't take care of themselves.

Dad, I don't mean you any harm.

Please, would you just
trust that I'm trying to help?

No.

I'm not leaving my house
unless it's in a coffin.

So the trick is, you get
right inside of the sheet.

Why are you all sitting
around playing charades

like children in the middle of a workday?

It's called a lunch break.

When, I started out,
people didn't take breaks.

Yes, before those pesky
labor laws were created.

And the concept of work-life balance.

When I was an articling
student, Robert Jennings

would call his office at 11 p.m.

to see who was still there.

Better brew some more coffee.

Gramps is gearing up for a good old

walk to school uphill both
ways in the snow story.

Enough with the old jokes.

Did none of you learn
to respect your elders?

I honestly don't know why I had children.

I've given you everything and
get nothing but insults in return.

Kids earn investments
on a payback plan, Harry.

Tell my family that.

Literally, the only reason
my grandmother had children

was so she had someone to take care

of her when she was older.

My parents changed my
diapers and I'll change theirs.

I would change your diaper, Dad, if that
makes you feel any better.

I'll wear a noose
before I wear a diaper.

Oh, can we get that in writing?

For the record, this right here is why

I won't commit to a retirement date.

I fear you would just sit around all

day making snotty jokes and
eating fruity miniature yogurts.

Miss Bianchi... I caught a big one.

You know those missing assets?

We found them.

Monica.

How is this for a radio sign-off?

"Feelings aren't facts"

Or "The best way out is through."

- Like... or...
- DNA results are in.

Ahhhh...

Baby's mine.

Oh, I feel dizzy.

- Ahhh...
- Take some deep breaths. Come, sit down.

What are you going to do?

I'm going to draft a... contract
giving Jude sole parenting.

- And child support, obviously.
- That's exactly what I did.

But when Harmony was
born, I changed my mind.

This is different.

You and Maggie were married
and actively planning a family.

All I know about Jude is
she eats cheesies in bed.

- So it's an accident.
- Maybe a happy accident.

- I'm not father material.
- How do you know?

This might surprise
you, but I can be a little...

- individually focused.
- You mean selfish?

- I don't know if that's the word.
- Oh, it is.

But Daniel, when you see your child in

front of you, something just switches on.

I don't want to mess this kid up

like Dad messed us up.

I'm the only one Dad actively
parented, and I'm the least messed up.

Let's maybe put a pin in that.

Just don't rush your decision.

And above all, be kind to yourself.

Did you just test
drive a sign off on me?

Oh.

"Be kind to yourself."

Has Nico been hounding you
about this school trip to France?

The kid who's never made it through a

sleepover without
calling to be picked up is

adamant he's ready for
a semester in Europe.

And we have to entertain the idea, right?

Well, we're not monsters.

Of course we'll humor him.

The parent information
session's tonight at six.

- Rock, paper, scissors?
- Oh, it's okay.

I'll take one for the team and represent.

I got nothing else going on.

- Thank you.
- Hm.

Incoming ex-father-in-law.
I will take that as my cue.

Uh-huh.

I just ran into Ben.

Apparently, you two are no
longer dating. What did you do?

Why do both my parents
assume the breakup was my fault?

I don't know what you were thinking.

Ben was a massive upgrade
from that little firefighter.

To be honest, a serious
step up from Frank.

Well, Ben's single
now, if you're interested.

Ready?

- You ready?
- OK.

Come on.

I took the competency
test of my own volition.

Andrew is already in place
for POA when I'm ready.

How is Associate Chief
Judge for Pete's sake?

It's absurd on many levels.

Ah... a little trick my
mentor taught me.

Thank you.

This historical accounting
proves that over the course

of their marriage, Mr. Hatcher
fraudulently diverted funds

to his mother.

Luxury homes, cars, designer clothes.

This is money and
property that otherwise would

have remained in the conjugal family.

Mr. Hatcher has been
hiding millions from my

client behind mommy's skirt.

- Thank you, Your Honor.
- Ms. Aoife.

I call Mr. Hatcher to the stand.

I didn't tell Theo about
the purchases because

my mom was such a point of contention

in our marriage.

I didn't want to rock the boat.

Mr. Hatcher, will you explain to the court

why you purchased your
mother such extravagant gifts?

Because I owe her everything.

Growing up, it was just the two of us.

My mother was my only friend when I
was a... moody teenager.

She gave me the startup
money for my company.

She's been a shoulder to cry on during

this entire... painful separation.

I literally owe my mother my life.

Your Honor, my client was never trying to

hide his assets from his husband.

He was simply trying
to show his appreciation

to the woman who
sacrificed everything for him.

I asked the court, is it a crime

to love your mother?

Well, on that touching, if saccharine
note, we'll adjourn for the day.

My father wears dirty
clothes because the washing

machine is in the basement.

With his declining mobility,
the stairs have become

a serious hazard.

He forgets to feed himself.

Given the circumstances,
we ask the court to

extend its exercise of
parents patriae jurisdiction to

declare the defendant as per
the appendix D amendment.

Counsel, kindly stop dropping
glossary terms like you're

writing an in-class essay.

Your Honor, the
plaintiff's grab for power of

attorney is ageism at its worst.

The documents submitted into
evidence overwhelmingly show my

client is compus mentis.

Mr. Jennings is acting like
an overprotective helicopter

parent who won't let his child climb the

monkey bars lest he
fall and get a scratch.

Honorable Judge Jennings,
despite being bone density challenged

at 82, may climb his own stairs all
day long if he so chooses.

Because if a freshman here wants to play

the glossary game, the
Adult Guardianship Act states

that adults are entitled to the right to

refuse all assistance as long as one poses

no risk to others.

That was a master class, Mr. Svensson.
Seriously chills.

But, um, uh, the, uh, about the no

risk to others part, um, I'd actually like

to call, uh, Donna Hayward to the stand.

Mrs. Hayward, did you
converse with your neighbor,

Robert Jennings, on October the 11th?

- I did.
- Would you give the court context?

Robert was backing up his car and drove

over the property line into our driveway.

He ran over our daughter's tricycle.

She had been riding it moments earlier.

That must have been terrifying.

It was, especially since he's
not supposed to be driving.

Would you please, uh, clarify
that last statement for the court?

Robert told me six months ago that his

license had been revoked.

Your Honor, may I
request a short recess?

- Granted.
- Thank you.

- Robert, are you okay?
- No.

- Oh...
- [THUDS]

Robert.

Dad?

I can't believe that after 10 years of

setting my own dreams aside to be a

supportive house husband,
I might get next to nothing.

Fight isn't over, Theo.

Get a room.

Instructions are to double
the dose for the first three days.

I heard, I heard.

The ER doctor told me this was one

of the worst bladder
infections he's ever seen.

No wonder you blacked out.

Why didn't you seek medical attention?

I knew he'd hold it against me.

Andrew is really worried about you.

I don't want him anywhere near me.

You're lucky it didn't
migrate to your kidneys.

These last few years have
been... a rude awakening.

Don't take your youth for granted, Harry.

I'm nearly 70.

Well, nothing will make your 70s seem more

appealing than your 80s.

Don't waste a moment.

Why did you take your
car out without a license?

I needed milk.

I'm not depending on other people for every

little thing, and I was doing okay until...

that showed up in my mailbox,
robbing me of my freedom.

Wait, that letter arrived in the mail?

- May I?
- Ha! Be my guest.

Robert, this letter is a fake.

Hi, sorry, I just finished
cleaning the rat cage.

Exposure to animal feces
can be toxic to fetuses.

That's cat poo.
Rat poo is totally fine.

Now, do you mind if I eat while we talk?

Aren't you gonna wash your hands?

Sorry, I haven't eaten all day.

- It's almost seven.
- I know, but I had to pull an

all-nighter to hit a deadline.

How long has it been
since you last slept?

Two days.

Do you know how much
sugar is in a single can of soda?

- Sugar is natural.
- So is cocaine.

Okay, let's do this paperwork.

Um, I think my assistant
printed off the wrong document.

The students will visit
Versailles, explore the home

of Hugo's Hunchback,
and roam the beaches of

Normandy to see where Allied
soldiers fought for our freedom.

The trip last year to
Barthelona was a huge success.

The kids came home from Barthelona with a

newfound confidence and global mindset.

Most of the students have even kept in

touch with their Barthelona host families.

Do the parents at the back
have anything they'd like to share?

I can't believe I have to shill chocolate

covered almonds, even
though my son is almost

certainly not going on this trip.

How can you rob your son of this

experience after hearing about Barthelona?

Well, obviously, Barthelona
was a trip for the ages.

But my kid can't remember to bring his

agenda home from his dad's.

It's hard to imagine
entrusting him with a passport.

My daughter also suffers from
binder amnesia on switch days.

- I'm Abby, by the way.
- Kieran.

Sorry, I'm ravenous.

No, that was very long and tediouth.

I can tell. These are
going to be addictive.

Yeah, they are.

And at 15 bucks a pop,
that's an expensive habit.

But it's for a good cauth.

As a person who prefers cinema rooted in

realism, I have to say I appreciated the

world-building of Lord
of the Rings last night.

See? I told you you'd like it.

Step right up and get your
chocolate-covered almonds.

Chocolaty, almondy, and
overpriced. Today only.

Uh, no thank you.

I'm surprised you're not tempted.

Well, you know, Winston
doesn't like sweets in the house.

Or coats on the back of chairs.

- Sounds intense.
- No, no.

Winston's just a real... rule lover.

Yeah.

Your Honor, Mr. Jennings
Jr. admits he forged

this letter, fraudulently revoking
his father's driver's license.

Objection... uh... Irrelevant
to this power of attorney case?

- Sustained.
- Okay.

With all due respect, the
plaintiff's actions speak

to his character, which is relevant.

Go on.

Mr. Jennings is asking the court to grant

him decision-making
power, but clearly this proves

he has poor decision-making skills.

He illegally took away
his father's right to drive.

What other rights might he take away if
given power of attorney?

Your Honor, I did that for the safety

of everyone on the road.

My father almost ran over a child.

- Sorry, Dad.
- Sit down, Mr. Jennings.

There's a process on how to handle these

things, and this isn't it.

Shame on you for
undermining your father with

this devious little maneuver.

But all I can rule on is the
matter of power of attorney.

Robert, you know I hold
you in the highest esteem.

And with all the respect and admiration in

the world, I believe
that despite his foolish

misstep, your son has
your best interests at heart.

I hereby grant his order
for power of attorney.

She was sweet, deprived,
stuffing her face with

chips, elbow deep in rodent dung.

- So you didn't give her the paperwork?
- No.

Because you want to be a
part of the baby's life now?

If I'm not, she might k*ll it.

Either of you like to
purchase some ethically

sourced, lightly roasted
almonds covered in a thick

layer of organic milk cacao?

You're lawyering wrong if
you need a candy side hustle.

I'm fundraising for Nico's school.

- How much is it?
- Fifteen bucks a box.

Oh, that's steep.

You're lawyering wrong
if you can't afford fifteen

dollars for your nephew's education.

Unless you don't care about
the future of the children.

Of course I care about
the future of the children.

Fine, I'll buy a box of wax candy.

I'm in for three, but I'll
have to settle up later.

I'm off to do my first call-in show.

- Wish me luck.
- Good luck, Luce.

Break a leg.

I don't carry cash.

Good luck talking to your mom, Alex.

You've got Kelly online too.

Hi, Kelly.

Hello, Lucy.

Congratulations on your new gig.

Thank you.

Uh, how can I help you today, Kelly?

I was in a relationship with a woman

who claimed she wanted something serious.

I made our house a home, protected her

from the toxic people
in her life, booked

us a vacation when she was overworked.

But at the first hiccup
in the relationship,

she abruptly broke
up with me and illegally

tried to evict me.

When I refused to leave, she ambushed me

with her attorney father
who threatened to sabotage

my career if I didn't leave immediately.

That's a lot to unpack here.

Do you have a question?

I'm just trying to make
sense of it all, Lucy.

Well, the first thing I'd say is it's

important to remember
that there are two sides

to every story.

Are you saying you don't believe me?

- No, that's not...
- Because that sounds a

- lot like victim blaming.
- Should I pull the plug?

First of all, I would
never blame a victim.

However, a relationship
involves two people, so it's

difficult to dissect with
only one of you here.

As an exercise, I invite you to adopt

your ex-girlfriend's point of view.

- Sound good, Kelly?
- Sure.

If she were here, would she say that

she felt protected by you?

As an example, would she say that there

was a betrayal of trust that came to

light that precipitated
that abrupt breakup?

It appears we've lost Kelly.

Kelly, if you can hear
me, be kind to yourself.

We have Corey on the line.

Hi, Corey.

Bravo, Lucy.

Well done.

You were brilliant.

But also, oh my god, that was insane.

Are you okay?

Honestly, I'm great.

How'd it go?

Well, there was some big surprises.

Nice of you to tune in.

I'm gonna listen online later, I promise.

I'm just trying to figure out how to

save my client from a doomed
day in divorce court first.

- Why is it doomed?
- It's sad, actually.

It seems like a solid
relationship, except my

client's husband is under
his mother's thumb, like

serious Norman Bates vibes.

Enmeshment is almost
always a marriage k*ller.

- Why?
- Mom and son were

probably always codependent.
Son gets married.

Mom's fear of losing her
surrogate spouse spikes,

tightens her grip,
interferes to the point where

son has no autonomy,
then uses her influence

to alienate the affection from her son to

her spouse so she can
have son all to herself again.

And this is why you've got a radio show.

Alienation of affection.

Are you seriously running with this?



It's an oldie but a goodie.

It's an abolished legal argument.

May I beg the court's indulgence?

You already set up the monitor.

Mr. Hatcher, could you
give the court context

for this photo?

That's Theo and me on
our honeymoon in Sayulita.

And this photo?

A Valentine's dinner at Coquette.

And this one?

Theo receiving his
PhD after four long years

in a grueling dissertation process.

It was a big deal.

There is nothing more
torturous than sitting through

somebody else's family
slideshow, Miss Bianchi.

What's your point?

My point is there's a bigger picture in

the dissolution of this marriage.

May I draw the court's attention to Mrs.

Hatcher crashing her son
and son-in-law's honeymoon.

Mrs. Hatcher inviting herself to
their romantic Valentine's dinner.

Mr. Kipp's commencement ceremony.

In Mr. Hatcher's own words, a big deal.

And yet he didn't take this photo.

In fact, he missed his husband's
commencement ceremony entirely.

Why?

Because Mrs. Hatcher called
with a conveniently timed

and imaginary crisis.

My vertigo came back. That is a crisis.

I'll have order in my court.

With a little more
context, these photos tell

the story of a mother who was so

threatened by her son's
marriage, she intentionally alienated

his affection, directly causing
my client pain and suffering.

Oh, so now I'm on trial.

You might be if you keep this up.

Andrew, I'm here to see
how your father's holding up.

Well, I appreciate that,
but dad's gone AWOL.

What do you mean he's AWOL?

I came to pick him up to tour

some retirement homes and he's gone.

I will never forgive myself if
something happens to him.

- Robert will be fine.
- Will he? He's 82 years old.

He's fragile.

Why is he fighting this so hard?

Assisted living is a tough pill to swallow.

Well, we wouldn't have to go this route

if he would just accept some help.

I have no idea where he is.

- I need to call the police...
- Hold off for a bit.

Please.

I am so sorry again about yesterday.

What are you apologizing for?

I was unprofessional.

On the contrary, you were a total pro.

Seriously, watching you
navigate your a*usive ex while

she stalked you on air
solidified your badassery.

She definitely created a false narrative.

- Luce, she's unhinged.
- Heh-heh.

If anyone needs to apologize, it's me.

She never should have made it through.

On the bright side,
the data came back...

and the numbers were awesome.

First of all, I'd like to thank Miss

Bianchi for her entertaining
argument pulled from the scrolls.

- Kudos on the big swing.
- Court favors the brave.

And it's not the quote.

Glad you got to stretch
your personal injury

legs, but third-party emotional
damages won't fly in family court.

I see no evidence that
contradicts Mr. Hatcher's

statements that his
gifts to his mother were

given in good faith.

All right, hang on with all
the looks each other. I'm not done.

Miss Bianchi's slide
show did convince me that

Mrs. Hatcher is exercising undue influence.

I find that the properties were put into

Monica Hatcher's name fraudulently.

She has no legal right to them.

Mr. Kipp is entitled to half of all
the marital assets.

Seriously, Abby, I can't even.

You're a courtroom queen.

Well, I got you the baseline
divorce settlement, Theo. That's it.

No, you validated my experience.

I didn't know that's what
I needed until I got it.

You think there's any
hope for you and Oliver?

I think I have to accept the fact

that he's damaged and I can't fix him.

I'm through with mama's boys.

Recovered mama's boys, though.

I'm glad I found you.

I am not bunking down with
a bunch of drooling cabbages.

I want to file an appeal.

I'm advising against it.

We won't win, which you already know.

Do you remember how you used to keep

a scoreboard of all the lawyers' wins in

the staff lounge?

I should thank you.
Your workplace ethos served me well.

So much of my ego was
wrapped up in those wins.

However, as I've grown
older, I've realized not

all wins belong on the scoreboard.

As much as I complain about Daniel, I've

learned from watching him work that if you

are willing to relinquish
some control, brave some

vulnerability, and trust
that both sides are working

towards a common goal,
sometimes you actually get

more of what you want.

- I see what you're doing.
- I talked to Andrew.

He says if you agree to downsize, accept

all home care visits,
stop haranguing the poor

Meals on Wheels
volunteer, you can continue to

live an independent life.

Harry, I am sorry, but I cannot stomach

that Meals on Wheels woman.

I'm going to need you to teach me

how this Dine Dispatch thing works.

Okay.

You'll never guess how
I salvaged Kip versus...

Why are you reading that?

Shut the door.

I'm expecting a child.

Congratulations?

I didn't know you were seeing anyone.

No, I'm not. And yet, we're pregnant.

Well, she's pregnant.

You are reading an 80s guide to mom

-shaming while binge-eating candy.

I would appreciate your discretion.

I would like to share the
news with Dad myself.

Sure, if you stop micromanaging me.

Deal.

And if you buy 40 boxes of
chocolate-covered almonds.

- 30.
- 38.

Fine.

- How are you feeling?
- Unprepared.

You've never been unprepared
for anything in your life, Daniel.

In fact, all of your
annoying qualities make

you oddly suited for parenthood.

I mean, you already
carry Craig on your chest.

Right.

Having a baby is just like having a dog.

You make it so hard to be on your side.

I just put the kettle on.
Do you want some tea?

Sure, thanks.

Okay.

Oh, it felt so good to wake up
all together the other day.

It did, but before you go any further,

I should tell you I'm seeing someone.

It's early days, but I'm
excited to see where it goes.

Okay, well, thanks for letting me know.

I'm happy for you.

Thanks.

- How did the show go?
- It was good.

Yeah, of course it was.

I'm proud of you.

So, I'll pick the munchkin
up in the morning around 8.

Perfect.

You know how much I hate losing, but

between you and me, Judge Gill's ruling was

a blessing in disguise.

His ego was ruining his life.

Well, one of the most important things I

learned in sobriety was
leaving my ego at the door.

I'll never be the first to tell you,

I muck it up all the time.

I think you're doing all right.

The challenge is to learn that
life lesson before it's too late.

You want to watch the second
Lord of the Rings tonight?

I think I'm too tired.

Oh, no.

Are you not sleeping well in the foldout?

- No, no. The couch is super comfy.
- So why are you so tired?

Maybe just having to wake up
early to abide by your morning rules.

What morning rules?

Just like how you want
the fitted sheet folded.

Okay.

Takes me half an hour to get the

silk edges tucked into
the little elastic pockets.

And how you want me to towel dry

the shower walls after every use.

But by the time I'm done drying everything,

I'm so sweaty, I need another shower.

And then you ask me to leave the

apartment for 15 minutes
every morning, and it's

almost right after I pour myself a big

bowl of Cheerios, and I get back and

the Cheerios is soggy, and I know it's

not my apartment, but honestly, it is very

confusing to be told to walk around the

block at random intervals.

I have parka precess.

Winston, are you dying?

No, I'm poop shy.

You should have just said that.

You can stay in the apartment when I

go to the washroom.

No, it's a good excuse
to get my steps in.

Oh, thank God.

Can I just roll up the
fitted sheet though?

If you stuff it in the cupboard where

I can't see it, uneven
edges make my eye twitch.

Deal.

Mr. Frodo, here we come.

I've sold 48 boxes of chocolate almonds so

other people's kids can stuff
themselves full of croissants.

You're a real philanthropist now.

Since I've already invested
all this humanitarian aid,

I'm wondering if we should just send Nico

on the trip.

Are you serious?

I don't want to coddle him just because

he's young for his age.

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

I have to fly to Paris to retrieve

him in the middle of the trip?

Okay.

Yeah, let's toss this
kid out of the nest.

Nico takes Paris.

Great, okay.

I'll tell Madame Gale.

I'm so glad we've
gotten to this place, Abby.

We're k*lling it with the co-parenting.

We really are.

Good thing, since it sounds like we might

be working together soon too.

What do you mean?

Well, because of the merger.

What... merger?