02x04 - The Eligible Arky

[bunniefuu]

Good evening,
Eligible Arky Nation.

I'm Quail Eegan.

Thanks to the recent
permission slip ban,

I've added billions
to my fortune.

So I decided to buy this network

and make myself the host
of my favorite TV show:

The Eligible Arky!

For anyone tuning in
for the first time,

The Eligible Arky is a show

where a single archaeologist
looks for love.

And trust me, this is
our most dramatic season yet,

filled to the brim
with watercooler moments.

So let's meet
this season's Eligible Arky.

We recently paid him

a surprise visit
to deliver the news.

What in the seven hells
is this?!

Rip Digman,
I'm here to let you know

you are the next Eligible Arky.

Oh, my God! What is that?

Once his team found out,
they were overjoyed.

- I'm gonna be the Eligible Arky!
- What's that?

- Hmm.
- That's a bad idea.

I've been telling Rip forever
that he should date again,

but he was always hung up
on his dead wife.

Then it turned out he was trying
to bring her back to life.

Then he sort of did,
but she was possessed

by the Antichrist.

Then she died again
in a volcano.

I'm getting sick of his excuses.

We think it's time for him

to get back out there
and smash some strange.

g*dd*mn.

Rip's elegant exterior is
a reflection

of the beauty within.

Just like my sweetheart
Cornelia.

In fact,

she reminds me
a lot of Rip. A lot!

I mean, I do want Rip
to be happy,

but these shows are
exploitative and toxic.

Great.
Now, can you take that again

and say the exact
opposite thing?

I'm excited for Rip.

Perfect.

Ow! Don't squeeze so tight.

This mud tastes awful.

You don't have to eat it.

I don't understand the rules!

This is The Eligible Arky.

♪ I know that you're
the one, oh-oh...♪

After visiting Rip's--
and I say this respectfully--

disgusting home,

it was time to meet the ladies.

Rip, are you ready to meet


Because the bulldozer

that brings the contestants
to the Passion Palace

is pulling up now.

- Watch it.
- Ow!

Wow, what a crop.

Uh, that one's hurt.

I'm very picky about
what I display in museums,

but I have no standards
when it comes to men.

I'm listening.

- I'm a snakes expert.
- A sexpert for snakes?

That's interesting
because I've been trying to get

some of my snakes
to mate more creatively.

Love life's gotten
a little stale.

Lot of missionary.

Oh, no, no.
Not a snake sexpert.

A snakes expert.

- Oh, that's disappointing.
- Look, I brought one.

It's a brand-new species

I recently discovered.

Ooh! That's a nice lean longy.

I haven't decided
on a name yet for it.

I was thinking it could be-- Ow!

Oh, Ow is nice.

Little trendy
these days, though.

No, I am in pain.

This snake just bit me.
Mother...

I have been very single
for ten years.

So maybe the next artifact
you blow dust off can be

my p*ssy?

Oh, wow.
Is she allowed to say that?

After meeting the contestants,

Rip still had his doubts.

And for the first time
in Eligible Arky history,

our leading man was thinking
of going home early.

Saltine, can you pick me up?

Everyone here is so blunt
and sexually aggressive.

It's positively Eszterhas-ian.

Rip, I had more reservations
than anyone about this show,

but you've only been there
four hours,

and this is the ninth time
you've called me.

But I don't like them!

Give 'em a chance, Rip t*tties.

Ugh, all right, fine.

You know I can't say no to you
when you use the nickname.

I will open my heart to love

and let down
my emotional guardrails!

♪ Yeah. ♪

Ooh!

Ha! You tripped.

Hi, Rip, I'm Parisha.

I heard you like carbon dating,
which is crazy

because that's my job.

I'm so good at it,
I can just eyeball something

and tell you how old it is.

For example,
the director of this show is 71.

Look away!

Wow!

Anyway, just to get ahead of it,

I once dressed
as something offensive

for Halloween.

- Oh, no. What?
- The price of eggs.

Wha...?

That's so funny. Holy sh*t!

What?

I'm always getting
friend-zoned by guys.

But I'm hoping Rip
will boyfriend-zone me.

- How's it going?
- Surprisingly well.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think I might be open
to moving on from Bella.

That's interesting to hear

because I have
some shocking news.

Rip Digman,

meet the final contestant
here to win your heart.

Bella Torres.

Hi, Rip.

Wow. Let's go see if he's dead.

Coming up next
on The Eligible Arky...

I quit the show.

Did you ever see The Artist?

♪ I know that you're
the one, oh-oh.♪

- I have some shocking news.
- Hi, Rip.

Bella? You're alive?

How? I threw you into a volcano!

- Well...
- Allow me to explain.

When you threw Bella
into the volcano,

what you didn't realize
is that Zane

and Buddy-Bot were waiting
at the bottom with a big net.

Wait, where'd you get
this footage?

You had a camera there?

It's actually
a recreation we made

using the latest

in photorealistic
computer animation technology.

Wow! It looks like real people.

Zane brought her back
to my lab, where we discovered

that although she was comatose,

she was no longer possessed
by the Antichrist.

Over the next several months,
we nursed her back to health.

And that's when I had one
of my most brilliant ideas yet:

we could reunite you

live on television
in a watercooler moment

for the ages.

Okay, well, great.
I quit the show.

- I just want to be with Bella.
- Yeah, same here.

Well, actually,
neither of you can leave.

Unless you want to be sued
for breach of contract.

My contract with Quail says
I have to do the show

or he'll charge me
for my medical expenses,

and they're like $200 million,

which even for me is a little--
how do you say--

no, thank you.

Now it's time for you two
to get reacquainted.

We'll give you complete privacy

except for all the cameras
and sound guys.

I just can't believe
this is real.

Do you remember anything
about being the Antichrist?

No, the last thing I remember,
it was 2011.

Did you ever see The Artist?

Sure did. And, uh, yeah,
it lived up to the hype.

And then some.

I knew it! So cool.
I'll rent the DVD.

So, what have I missed?
What digs have you been on?

I know you found
the Greenstone Heart, right?

Truth be told,
I pretty much didn't work at all

for about 12 years.

I only recently
got back in the game.

And I'd be lying if I said
it was going especially well.

Oh.

I've got
a new assistant, though.

She's a nerd
who kind of grinds my gears.

In fact, sometimes
I wish I could just

wring her little neck

like the proverbial
chickens of yore!

Wow.

Everything's so strange.

To be honest,
I barely recognized you.

You look very... different.

Right, yeah.

I suppose,
once the grief set in,

I completely let myself go,

both physically and emotionally.

Huh.

But I still look
exactly the same.

Well, that's because
I kept your corpse frozen

in my basement
for all those years.

Yep, I'd spend days just staring
at your dead, frozen body.

And sometimes I'd even kiss
the ice you were encased in.

With tongue, just how I assumed

you would want me to
in that exact scenario.

Oh, my God.
Did people know about that?

Nope. I lied to everyone.

We even had
a closed-casket funeral for you

so I could secretly
replace your body

with the corpse of a big old hog
I accidentally hit

with my car when I was
driving drunk one night.

Sooey! Oh, yeah.

Your mom brought flowers
to the grave

of that nasty oinker every week.

The old kook.

Hey, Bella, what's the matter?

Did someone say
something upsetting to you

before I told you that
hilarious story about the hog?

It's just... I don't know.

You don't seem
like the same Rip I remember.

Hey, look, I get it,
plagued by grief and whatnot.

But this was bound to be
awkward at first.

I'm sure once we get out there

and start arkying
together again,

the chemistry will reignite.

We're soulmates, right?
Nothing can change that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But before that, it's time
for our first shovel ceremony.

Only three of these women
will move to the next round.

So, Rip, who do you choose?

Bella...

- ...do you dig me?
- Yes.

- Say you dig him.
- Ugh.

I... dig you.

All right. And, uh, Parisha

and, uh, Ximena, you're in, too.

That means the rest of you
can go home.

This place is a prison.

And now it's time
for our first competition:

The Sensual Ascension.

Welcome to Germany,

the most romantic country
in the world.

The pair that makes it

to the peak
of Mount Efficiencystein

in the shortest amount of time

gets treated to a sunset
dinner date of soft tacos.

There's more than one way
to get up there,

so it's up to each couple
to find the best path

for their skill set.

Rip and Parisha,

you're up first.

On your marks, get set, go!

Well, I guess this must be
a letdown for you,

since my wife's
on the show now and, obviously,

I want only to be with her.

Hey, I get it.
Don't worry. Jump!

Thanks
for understanding. Vine!

Hope you don't mind
if I hum a little jazz

while we're swinging.

♪ Riddle dee
diddle dee doop bowdee ♪

Aw, hell yeah.
I love that tune!

♪ Dee dibble dee doo doo doo ♪

♪ Skiddily skiddily
skiddily skiddily ♪

♪ Dip dop doo. ♪

Parisha truly has the golden
pipes of a platonic friend.

Ooh, careful. That branch is...



It may not hold your weight.

Ah, well. Then after you, madam.

Aw.

- All right.
- Hey, cool.

Done in a time
of two hours, 33 minutes.

Next up, Rip and Ximena.

Go.

I smell something.

Ever since she was bitten

by that snake,
Ximena seems to be

transforming
into a human-serpent hybrid.

And I really
like that about her.

Supper!

What you just did right there is
every man's dream.

What's happening to me?

I think I'm falling in love.

- Done.
- Nice.

No! No, no, no, no, no.

And finally, Rip and Bella.

- Go.
- Follow me.

Those tacos are as good as mine.

Uh...

- Wait!
- What? What is it?

It's just, that bridge,
it's awful rickety, right?

Let's, uh,
take it slow and steady.

Left. Right. Not too fast.

The tortoise did beat
the hare, after all,

if Aesop is to be believed.

And I am firmly
in the camp of: he should.

We can cut through here.
It's a shortcut.

Hold on. Don't know if any
of these plants are poisonous.

I've got an app
that'll identify 'em.

After all,
we don't want you succumbing

to the effects
of a deadly neurotoxin again,

do we, dear?

Okay, we can still make up
the time if we leap that chasm.

Couldn't we just take
the long way around, though?

And hold hands all the while?

That'll add hours.
And I want those soft tacos.

What's with you?

I'm just trying
to keep you safe.

Well, you're
being overprotective.

The Rip I knew believed in me

and wasn't afraid
to let me take chances.

That's still me.

- Then we jump on three.
- Uh, okay.

- One. Two.
- No!

Whip and yank!

I'm sorry, okay?

Let's just take
the long and safe route.

Who knows? It might even be fun.

Not so fast.

Don't want you to hurt yourself.

Let me just score
the ribbon here.

Lest it snag on one
of your many perfect features,

my recently returned sweet.

- Did we win?
- Clearly you did not.

The winner
of the dinner date is Parisha.

Yay.

Okay.
Bella, you want to join us?

Rip, she won the date.
I'm not gonna intrude.

Actually, I just decided
you have to go.

A real-life love triangle?

Talk about a watercooler moment.

Coming up on The Eligible Arky,
the most shocking moment

in the history of television.

♪ I know that you're
the one, oh-oh.♪

♪ I know that
you're the one, oh-oh.♪

Welcome back. I have a special
surprise for you three.

You're going
to be serenaded by a band

I only recently discovered...

The Watingos.

Oh, is this a popular band
these days?

No, I've actually
never heard of them.

They always get obscure bands
on this show

and then act like everyone
should know who they are.

♪ Tonight we gotta
fall in love ♪

♪ I hear it's great
to be in love...♪

Wow. They're amazing.

Really? That's actually
not my experience of them.

♪ If your dad wants,
he can borrow my car...♪

Dinner is served. Enjoy.

Man, these tacos are soft.

- I can't wait to try one.
- Hang on.

Parisha, would you mind
taste-testing Bella's taco

to ensure it's not poisonous?

- Or worse, hard.
- On it.

Oh, my God.

What troubles you,
mine ever-bride?

This whole experience
has been a disaster.

You're nothing
like the Rip I remember.

You're neurotic,
you're out of shape,

there's clearly some severe
emotional stuff going on.

I mean, you froze my body.

Pish-posh. I mean, sure,
I'm a little worse for wear,

but I'm still the same old Rip.

Down to my signature outfit
that's unique to me alone.

Okay, so if you're
the same old Rip,

then where the hell
is the Greenstone Heart?

Oh, uh...

Come on, Rip.
If you haven't changed,

you'd have the Heart by now.

We talked about it for years.

- So where is it?
- Well...

Sorry to interrupt, uh,
what is the Greenstone Heart?

And, again,
so sorry to interrupt.

For many moons, arkies have
sought the Greenstone Heart,

a treasure hidden deep within

the most booby-trapped
temple on Earth:

Sincuidado.

No arky has made it out alive.
It's a literal death trap.

But the Rip I knew had been
studying Sincuidado for years

and was preparing to become the
first arky ever to conquer it.

Yeah, I guess
I kind of gave up on that.

And that's what breaks my heart.

Your confidence and ambition
is what I loved about you.

♪ Got your mama's eyes ♪

♪ And your daddy's lips ♪

♪ Your daddy's hair
and your daddy's lids...♪

Will you guys shut the f*ck up?!

And that's another thing.

The old Rip would have
worshipped The Watingos.

You've lost your joy.

I know, but it's not my fault.

I thought you were dead, and it
completely ruined me, okay?

♪ Date night,
date night, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Tell your dad that job
we talked about is done...♪

You're not the same Rip
I fell in love with.

You're broken and haunted,
a shell of who you were.

I'm sorry, Rip.
I don't feel it anymore.

It's over.

Bella, no, wait.
I love The Watingos.

Watch, I'm dancing.

♪ It's so cool we have
the same size shoe.♪

- Aw. I'm so sorry, Rip.
- Damn it.

If I'd just found
that frickin' Greenstone Heart,

everything would have been fine
and Bella would still love me.

But I didn't.
And now I got to eat

all these soft tacos by myself.

Mm.

Oh, man, these are effin' good.

The meat is so soft and tender.

When mixed with the sauce
and shredded lettuce,

it makes the tortilla the
exact right sogginess.

The time has come
for another shovel ceremony.

Hey, Rip, sorry to barge in,
but Parisha's gone missing.

She left this letter.

"Dear Rip,
although I've fallen for you--

"and not just literally,
ha-ha, remember that?--

"I realize now,
your heart belongs to Bella.

"I only want
what's best for you,

"so I'm off to find
the Greenstone Heart

so I can give it to you
and you can win her back."

Oh, my God,
she'll surely perish,

and likely
in a grotesque manner.

I knew then what I had to do.

So I was off to Sincuidado.

My assistant Saltine
is back at my headquarters

with all the research
I'd done on Sincuidado,

so she can help
guide me through it.

All right, Saltine.
It's go time.

Okay, Rip, the first thing
you need to look for is...

the Hall of Darts.

Just follow
my instructions exactly.

Flip. Pirouette! Lunge! Plié!

Uh, Saltine,
you could have just said

do Baryshnikov's dance
choreography from Don Quixote.

You're totally right.
Realized that after you did it.

Anyways, next is...
the Snapping Turtle Tomb.

The only way to calm them
is by playing

a perfect 4/4 beat
on the shells.

Ugh, this is so boring.

Why don't I add
a little swing to it?

You see, Buddy Rich would do
a little something like this.

Rip, no, just the 4/4 beat!

Ugh, fine.

They're asleep,
you're in the clear. Go.

f*cking basic-a*s turtles
and their pop sensibility.

Next up
is the Chamber of Silence.

You have to cross
through the entire room

without making a sound.

By the way, there's only
one piece of iguana jerky

left in the house.
If it's okay for me to snarf it,

don't say anything
for the next three seconds.

Three, two, one.

- Thanks, Rip.
- Damn it!

I was saving that!

I twisted one of my two ankles.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow.

Ow.

Ow. And... ow.

Hey. Sorry.

Parisha, you're alive.

Man, I'm honestly impressed
you made it this far.

Thanks. Still kinda screwed up
here at the end, though.

No worries if not,
but can you save my life?

In fact, I cannot.

I twisted one of my two ankles
in the coolest way possible:

adult male frustration rage.

I'm sorry. There's no way
I can jump that far.

But I can.

- Bella?
- Parisha, I'm coming to get you.

Oh... Uh...

No! It's too far.

We can come up
with some other plan.

Rip, I can make it. Trust me.

Fine, but if you fall
to your death,

and I mean this, don't expect me
to freeze you again

- and bury another hog.
- Okay.

Wow, that was some leap.

Now, what do you say we grab
this Heart and get out of here?

Damn it, rookie mistake.
Come on.

Will Rip
choose Bella or Parisha?

That's still
what this show is about.

Find out next
on the most shocking conclusion

in the history
of The Eligible Arky.

Oh, God,
we're definitely gonna die.

♪ I know that you're
the one, oh-oh.♪

Bella!

Hey, you know what? My ankle's
feeling a little better.

Probably just the adrenaline
and I'm doing long-term damage,

but I choose to live
in the present. Jump!

- Hyah!
- Roll!

Power slide!

Yeehaw!

- Hyah, whip!
- Hyah, machete!

Look, we're almost out.

Uh-oh!

Looks like that giant scorpion
hasn't had his java yet.

- Any ideas?
- Hyah, machete!

Damn it!

Hyah, whip! No.

- We're gonna die!
- It's every man for himself.

Oh, sh*t, I wasn't
expecting that.

Well... Ugh.

Sorry to interrupt,
but that column

looks to be about 575 years old,

which means its weak spot
is right... here.

Hyah, carbon dating!

- Holy hell.
- That was da b*mb dot com.

- Ugh, no.
- What? What?

- Don't say that.
- Ugh, whatever.

- Talk to the hand.
- Oh, my God.

Do you have any idea
how lame you sound

when you use outdated lingo?

I don't mean to be
a mutton shunter,

but every time
you open your saucebox,

you sound
like an ill-made foozler.

Sorry to interrupt,
but I agree. -

Welcome
to the final shovel ceremony,

where Rip Digman will decide
between Bella, Parisha,

and fan favorite Ximena.

I was once a woman.

Of course you were.
Now, Rip,

who will you choose?

The last few days
have taught me a lot.

It was awesome to get back out
there in the field with Bella

and get our arky chemistry back.

But just because
we can be great friends

needn't mean we be great lovers

who satisfy each other's
perverted fantasies,

like my favorite: man on top.

Rip, please.

The point is,
I can see now that, although

you are the same Bella
I fell in love with...

I'm not the same Rip
you fell in love with,

and your feelings have changed.

Thusly 'tis time
we both move on.

Thank you
for understanding, Rip.

So, with that in mind,
I'd like to offer this shovel...

to Bella still.

Would you marry me
again, sweetie?

I'm nothing without you!

Ugh, no.

Okay. Had to give it a shot.

Still so emotionally tied
to you.

Frankly, went through
hot hell about it

for, like, over a decade, so...
tough one to swallow.

In any case, oh, Parisha,

shall we set
a carbon date, my dear?

Aw, Rip, that's so nice.

And it did feel like
we had a spark.

But for the sake of my own
self-respect, I have to say no.

Yeah, that makes sense,
I did not treat you well.

Well, this was a fat bust.

Quail, can I get a new batch
of ladies up in here?

- No.
- Why not?

The Gremlins got a new batch.

What the f*ck does that
have to do with anything?

I don't know, man,
I'm falling apart.

Oh, Lord, will Cupid's arrow
ever strike me again?

Or shall I forever
walk the earth a lonely soul,

forsaken by all those for whom

my lustful heart beats
most ardently?

Wow. Devastating.

And now it's time to announce

our next
Eligible Arkyette... Ximena.

What?! Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God,

oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God. Aah!

♪ I know that
you're the one, oh-oh.♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I know that you're the one ♪

♪ I know that you're the one,
whoa-oh ♪

♪ I say, I say. ♪

Chirp.

♪ MTV. ♪