01x09 - Keeps on Tickin'

[bunniefuu]

You... make man?

No.

Woman.

Woman.

She's alive.

Alive!

Talk about a death wish.

You gotta be nuts to do that.

No knee pads.

No wrist guards.

Nothing.

You are one serious weenie.

I am not.

They're just having fun.

They're risking their lives
and they don't even know it.

What do you say
we get out of here?

Anyone up for a
little fun in the sun?

I was thinking Mexico.

Can't.

k*ller bees in Mexico.

All right, no Mexico.

How about Jamaica?

Poisonous jellyfish.

Wussy.

Wussy.

Wussy.

Gary, talk him into it.

Only if you guarantee a beautiful
Jamaican beach bunny will have sex with me.

My powers aren't infinite, Gary.

What's eating you anyway?

Edwin Mueller got some.

Edwin?

The kid who smells
like beef jerky?

That's what that smell is.

Sitting there with that
stupid grin on his face

just cause he did the
horizontal frog dance.

No way.

He sunk the cue ball, Wy.

He downloaded his hard drive.

Edwin Mueller beat
us to the chewy center?

Yep.

How humiliating.

It's pathetic.

I'm pathetic.

I'm 15 and I still
haven't done it yet.

It's not so bad.

I mean, the average age for a male's
first sexual encounter is 19 and a half.

Hmm.

I looked it up.

I was curious.

I don't want to be average, Wy.

I want to excel.

I want sex and I want it now.

Now what's the use?

The way things are going now,
I'm never gonna bury the bone.

What a couple of lumps.

We could be off
partying, but no.

You never want to do anything fun
because you're too worried it'll k*ll you.

And you're too worried about
losing your virginity to do anything fun.

You know, you could
solve my problem.

I could solve both
your problems.

Hold out your hands.

Oops.

I keep forgetting
they come out hot.

What do we need watches for?

Oh, they're not just watches.

They're magic watches.

Wyatt, yours will show you
how long you have to live.

What does it say?

In 90 years.

Way to go.

Then you're not
gonna die for 90 years.

So next time I suggest
something fun like going

to Mexico, chill out
about the k*ller bees.

What does this one do?

Your watch tells you when
you're gonna lose your virginity.

So what does it say?

Three days.

Three days!

Three days?

See?

Looks like you've been
worrying for nothing.

Three days!

Did you hear that, Wy?

I'm finally gonna free Willy!

Unexpected air conditioner gust.

Alter trajectory.

Eight degrees.

Insufficient spittle
on suction cup.

Proceeding to lick.

Welcome to the Auburn
North Civic Arena for

the 14th Annual Monster
Truck Turbo Slaughter Jam.

Featuring over 60 bone-crushing
tons of supercharged

monster 4x4s and 20,000
gallons of butt butt butt.

Tonight, Bob Bute Raulke's
Ultra Eliminator squares

off against Lenny Lamont's
butt-sucking raptor tractor.

Armed with 3,000 fire-breathing
pounds of nitrous methane plowing power.

Nitrous. Methane.

Come on, baby.

Come on, baby.

The Gary Love Shuttle leaves
in T minus 48 hours and counting.

Heaven awaits my sex goddess.

Just show me your pretty face
and we can rocket to Nastyville.

Hi.

I'm Gary.

What do you think?

We're lost.

Hey Wy.

Hey.

Why are you so bummed?

Thanks to this stupid watch, I now know
down to the second one I'm gonna croak.

It's hard to stay happy when you're
wearing the Grim Reaper on your wrist.

Nice band, though.

Oh, miss, a word, please?

Get lost.

No problem.

I know my Lady Love's
out there somewhere.

I know what you're thinking.

I'd sure like to have sex with
this guy in about 42 hours.

What's up?

What do you wanna do for the
next 37 hours till we... knock boots?

Think about it.

Me?

You?



So where the hell is she?

I've asked out
every girl in school.

I don't know.

Maybe Lady Love transferred.







Whatever happened to manners?

Laugh, laugh.

Spit, laugh.

Spit, spit.

Slap.

That's everyone.

Have you considered
the lunch ladies?

Yep.

Came up dry.

You missed one, Gary.

That's a girl?

Yeah.

Louise Willet.

You know, sex is a big step.

Maybe I'm not ready.

Yeah.

I better wait.

Here.

You can have your watch back.

Mine, too.

I don't mean to hurt your feelings or
anything, but wearing a constant reminder

of the day you die just
isn't a whole lot of fun.

Wyatt...

You just don't get it, do you?

Get what?

I'll show you.

What are you doing?

Get me down.

Look at your watch.

Okay.

Okay.

I love the watch.

I'm sorry I ever said
you to take it back.

Let beam me out of here.

You're not looking.



Terrific.

I'm gonna live forever.

That's my point.

The watch says you're
not gonna die today.

You have 90 more years.

So get up and walk to me.

Cause that's the only way
you're getting off that plank.

Come on, you can do it.

Life's no fun if you
don't take any risks.

Come on.

Come on.

Yes...

Yes!

I did it! I did it!

I've got nothing to worry about.

I'm going to live for 90 years!

Yes.

Woohoo!

Yeah!

I am invincible!

I'm a risk-taker!

Oh, what a lucky guy I am.

Gary, hi!

You know me?

Yeah.

I sit right behind
you in homeroom.

But we've never actually talked.

Until now.

Right.

Listen... Um...

Wha....

Louise.

Louise.

Louise.

Loui-wheezy.

Wheezy.

Whee... zy.

I... I have to ask you a question.

Do you have any plans
tomorrow night around... 5 o'clock?

Oh, darn it.

I have to go to New
Mexico for a funeral.

My grandmother died.

Yes!

I mean, I'm so sorry for you.

But... you'll love New Mexico.

And so will your grandmother.

I'll be back on Tuesday.

I don't know,
but I've been told...

This loaf of bread
seems mighty old.

Lonely mustard, slice of cheese.

A chat with Joe
is aimed to please.

Listen.

I need to get my mitts on a 25 gallon
tank of pressurized nitrous methane.

What's that?

Licensed demolitions contractor?

County approved to
handle flammable materials?

Yes.

Yes, I am.

My... license number?











That's right.

I'll be there in the
morning to pick it up.

Thank you.

Suckers.

Lisa, that was amazing!

Oh!

I want to go, I want to go hang gliding.

No! No.

I want to go speed
boat racing right now!

Whoa! Slow down, tiger.

Wyatt!

I am so happy!

Why are you so happy?

I'm not afraid!

Why are you so happy?

Did you have sex
with the ugly girl?

No!

She had to go out of town!

But I finally figured
out who it's gonna be!

Who?

Melissa St. Clair.

Melissa St. Clair?

She's not in the yearbook because
she missed the photo session!

She missed the photo session?!

She missed the photo session!

I'm so excited!

See, I told you the
watches were a good idea!

Oh, they're a great idea, Lise!

I am so pumped!

I gotta do something!

Something crazy!

Good luck!

No luck required.

Melissa St. Clair?

Yeah?

Gary.

Gary Wallace.

Remember it!

Because come tomorrow
afternoon, you're gonna be

screaming it over and over
again in the throes of passion.

Oh, really?

Guaranteed.

You a virgin?

What?

It's okay if you are.

I am.

I really don't
need to know this.

I'm not a virgin by choice.

It's just that every girl I've met till now
thought I was too much of a freaky dweeb.

So what do you say we
knock it out in my place?

Don't wear anything
too complicated.

And hey, the body oil's on me.

Get it?

It's settled then.

No oils.

Damn!

Yeah, Wyatt!

Did you see that, Lisa?

I didn't hurl!

That's my Wyatt!

How about a little
alligator wrestling?

Woo!

Hey.

What are you doing here?

It's almost five.

Shouldn't you be
having sex right now?

I wish.

What happened to the sure thing?

Let's just say it
didn't work out.

Huh?

I guess you must be destined
to be with somebody else.

There is nobody else.

I looked.

I cruised the malls all morning.

Nothing.

But the watch...
- Screw the watch.

It says I got ten minutes to go.

And the way I figure it, my best hope is
in New Mexico burying her grandmother.

It must be broken.

Whoops.

I almost put on your watch.

No way.

I'm wearing mine.

No.

No.

I got yours right here, see?

Lisa inscribed it.

To Gary with love, Lisa.

To Wyatt with love, Lisa.

Wait a minute.

How'd you get my watch?

Uh-oh.

What?

You must have accidentally
put on each other's

watches when you dropped
them at the coffee house.

Wait a minute.

Does that mean I'm not
gonna have sex in ten minutes?

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh?

What does that mean, uh-oh?

I'm gonna be a
virgin for 90 years?

Then if this is my
watch, does that mean...

Say something!

You're gonna be
dead in ten minutes.

Uh-oh.



I'm not gonna get
meat for 90 long years.

Why me, God?

Why me?

Do you mind?

I'm the one dying here.

At least you don't have to wait
till you're 105 to do the deed.

Oh! Oh, that's right.

I'll never do the deed.

According to my watch, I'll
be dead in seven minutes.

I gotta stop this watch!

Wyatt, that was a gift.

Besides, breaking
the watch won't help.

Lisa, I don't mean to
complain, but I'm six

minutes away from dying
and you haven't done Jack!

I've been thinking, and I
think I've figured a way out.

Oh, come on, come on, come on!

What is it?

Well, you're not powerless here.

You still control
your own destiny.

The way I see it, all
you'd have to do is...

Huh?

Huh?

What?!

Do what?!

Lisa!

What happened to the lights?

Oh, no!

The computer!

It crashed!

There's no power! I
can't get Lisa back!

Don't you have any batteries?

No, I don't have any batteries!

Go to manual override.

It's a computer,
not a submarine!

Four minutes!

Follow me!

Gary?

Why are we hiding in the shower?

Safest place in the house.

Who ever got
k*lled in the shower?

I'm scared.

Think happy
thoughts or something.

Happy thoughts?

Yeah.

Like, the first time we met.

Remember?

No.

Sure.

Your eighth birthday party.

Your mom set up
the Slip 'N Slide.

We had ice cream cake.

Then camped outside
and played flashlight tag.

Gary, we didn't
meet until I was ten.

Oh.

You missed a great party.

I wonder who that guy was.

You don't have to stay, Gary.

No.

I want to.

You've been a good friend.

Shut up.

You're not going anywhere.

Maybe Lisa couldn't
help you, but I can.

Yeah?

You think so?

Who am I kidding?

You're a dead man.

But it's not supposed to
happen for another three minutes!

It's going to take three
whole minutes for you to die?

Ew!

Well now.

Rub-a-dub-dub.

Here's a picture guaranteed
to make Dad glow with pride.

Say adios to your shower buddy.

I blew the fuse box
juicing up my die-hard.

I'm going to need help getting my
Jeep up and running before dinner.

Plant it here... And listen up!

I'm rigging this
baby with nitro.

Zero to sixty in three seconds.

Two minutes.

Just keep your brain
planted in that seat.

Turn in the ignition
when I tell ya.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Damn.

Push in the cigarette lighter.

And don't get your
greasy fingers on the dash.

Oh my God!

This is how it happens!

I'm gonna blow up!

Whoa, whoa!

Hey!

Where do you think you're going?

Chett, you don't
understand! I am about to die!

That's right, cud boy.

If you don't get in that
Jeep, I'm gonna k*ll ya.

Oh Gary, we gotta get
out of here, it is the Jeep!

It's gonna blow!

That Jeep's not going
anywhere, and neither are you.

Chett, you don't understand.

Okay, look.

Look, I'll level with ya. See?

You see, I got this watch, this magic
watch, that tells me when I'm gonna die.

And it says I only
have... one minute to live!

How stupid do I look to you?

Don't answer that, Wallace.

He's telling the truth.

See? I got a magic watch, too.

Only mine says I won't
get sex for 90 years.

Now that I believe.

Get back in the Jeep, now!

You're running out of time.

All right, Chett, let's go.

You and me, over there.

Why there?

Because... Because the ground is a
lot harder over there, and...

it'll hurt more when I knock
you on your big ugly butt.

Oh, the schoolgirl roars.

Come on, let's
get this over with.

Kick your butt here,
kick your butt there.

Either way, it's a
boot butt banquet.

Say goodbye to daylight.

My... Jeep.

My beautiful Jeep.

Wyatt..

You're still alive.

What does the watch say?

It's changed.

It's says 86 years.

I'm gonna live!

We're gonna live!

I'm gonna live!

You're gonna live!

I'm gonna live!

You're gonna live!

I'm gonna live!

I'm gonna live, gonna live!

Okay, we have power.

She'll be back
online in just a sec.

Now that... is a man in pain.

Here she comes!

What happened?!

Wyatt, how much
time do you have left?!

It's okay, Lisa.

My checkout time came and went.

I made it!

How?

I took a risk.

I stood up to Chett
and I saved my own life.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're still alive.

But what about me?

I'm still a virgin.

Well, Gary... Take
a cue from Wyatt.

The watch showed him his
fate, but he refused to accept it.

He took action and
changed his destiny.

That's all you have to do.

Really?

Well, that and...

Don't miss this
flight to New Mexico.

Wheezy, wheezy, wheezy, wheezy.

♪ Weird science ♪

♪ Fantasy and microchips,
shootin' from the hip ♪

♪ Somethin' different,
we're makin', weird science ♪

♪ Pictures from a
magazine, bits and pieces ♪

♪ Bits and pieces, pieces, pieces, ... ♪

♪ My creation... Is it real? ♪

♪ It's my creation... I do not know ♪

♪ It's my creation ♪

♪ From my heart and from my hand ♪

♪ Why don't people
understand... My intentions? ♪