01x01 - Yoshi's Bar Mitzvah

[bunniefuu]

[pleasant accordion music playing]

-[music fades out]
-[woman] Do you know where we're going?

-[girl] Yoshi, knock it off.
-[man] Take second exit after exit.

"Second exit after exit?"
What could that possibly--

So that's a no. We're lost.
I'm an orphan and we're lost.

Grief is perplexing,

but I don't think one of
the perplexing parts should be directions.

We wouldn't need directions
if you'd followed the hearse.

[man] He was weaving all over.

Was he trying to get us k*lled?
More business for the hearses.

Mom! Tell Yoshi to cut it out.

Elliott, I'm bereaved.

-Kids, can you not, for one day?
-"Kids"?

-What kids?
-There's bereavement happening.

Yoshi's pinching me.
I should suffer in silence?

Yes, that is what today is about.
We are all suffering in silence.

-Yoshi, your sister is not a Bop It!
-[cackles]

It was a lovely service.

For someone. I don't know
who the rabbi was talking about.

He does a lot of eulogies.
He must work off a template--

A template? I'm sorry.
But you go to a shul for 50 years,

I think you're entitled to something
more bespoke than a Mad Libs.

You're not wrong.

Excuse me for suggesting
a professional rabbi

put some elbow grease
into the last words on my mother.

There's our hearse! Or is it that hearse?

Just pick one.
They're going to the same place.

At least now Bubbe
can be with Grandpa again.

Avi, there's no "with."
There's no "again." It's over.

-Jews don't believe in Heaven.
-Oh.

-I think what your mother means…
-I said what I mean.

…is that for Jews,
we focus on this life. Hm?

You don't live a good,
meaningful life for some reward later.

You live a good, meaningful life
so that you live a good, meaningful life.

Is that it? You'd think Jews
could have negotiated a better deal.

[laughs sardonically]

[girl grunting] Ow!

Yoshi, I swear to God,
this is why Jews don't go to Heaven!

[“Long Story Short
Main Title Theme” playing]

[music ends]

Okay, not this part.

Almost.

There. There. Did you hear it?

Um, what am I supposed to be hearing?

He's singing about this girl
when he was young. He's remembering.

They had fun. They had money.
They had a son, called him Sonny.

-And then. the next line…
-Uh-huh.

Sonny gets married and moves away.

All right.

Sonny gets married and moves away?
He was just born! How did he…

It's because that's time, right?

Like, one moment, you're young, free,

next thing you know,
Sonny gets married and moves away.

Oh! Okay. Yeah.
I just never thought about it that way.

But you, uh, you know the song?

No. I guess that's why
I never thought about it that way.

Okay, uh, your turn. Go.

Oh, I don't know if I listen to music
the same way you do.

I was just gonna play you a song
from Les Mis and not talk the whole time.

Oh. Oh no.

We need to break up immediately.

Ugh. Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

-Huh.
-Too bad.

I was so excited for the bar mitzvah,
I've never been to one.

[sighs dramatically]
You did come all this way.

[groans]

Okay, let's stay together.

At least through the weekend.

[gentle music playing]

Is it weird I came to meet
your family this weekend?

Should we've picked a more low-key time?

[woman, excitedly] Oh my God!

My family doesn't really do low-key.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
Say it back.

-I love you.
-This is your girlfriend? Gorgeous.

You're too good for him.
Dump him immediately.

-She's joking.
-Of course, I'm joking!

No one's too good for my Avi…

-She's joking.
-I am not joking.

He has self-esteem issues
but he's a wonderful boy.

I don't have self-esteem issues.

So you have self-esteem issues!
It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Are you gonna
introduce your mother? Naomi.

-Hi, I'm Jen.
-"Jennifer, this is my mother, Naomi."

Is that so difficult?
I'm sorry my son is so rude.

-I don't know who raised him.
-Can I take your bag… bags?

-Oh, thank you, Mr. Schwooper.
-The kids are Schwooper.

We're Cooper and Schwartz.

-Right, of course. Mr. Schwartz.
-I'm Cooper.

-Mr. Coop--
-Just Elliott is fine.

We don't stand on ceremony.

I used to tell the kids,
"Ceremony is like your sister's windpipe."

[grunts]

-"We don't stand on it." Lot of bags.
-Oh.

[humorous drumbeat]

Oh, hi. Yoshi, right?

Why was your plane so late?

I got in two hours ago and had to wait.
Mom and Dad wouldn't make a separate trip.

What are we, a shuttle service?

The plane was gonna be on time,

but I told them to go slower
because I wanted you to suffer.

Classic first-born behavior.

-You must be Shira. I've heard so much--
-So you're like an actress?

Is that why you're so… Oooh.

-Well--
-She was just in All My Sons.

-She was incredible.
-Ooh, give us a taste!

-Mom!
-Just a taste.

Give us one son. We don't need all.

She's not giving you
a taste of Arthur Miller.

-He was Jewish, Arthur Miller.
-What does that--

I think he still is.

Plus, he was married to Marilyn Monroe.

-Uh…
-[Elliot] Shira.

You tossed your bags in here diagonal.

Excuse me for not anticipating Avi's
girlfriend bringing a whole safari set.

-Oh. Sorry, I didn't mean--
-We need to start over.

Yoshi, make yourself useful, yeah?

You do a mean parking meter, but God
gave you legs, God gave you arms.

-I can help grab--
-Ah, ah, ah.

I won't allow it. You're our guest.

I guess they don't teach you
how to pack light in acting class.

-I'm joking.
-Ha…

-But it's a hard life, no, acting?
-Look what happened to Marilyn Monroe.

She married Arthur Miller.

-I'm just an acting major.
-An acting major, Mom.

-She's not marrying Arthur Miller.
-This is taking up a lot of space.

That's the emergency kit.
Flares, fire extinguisher.

Does your car catch on fire a lot?

-Probably because of the flares.
-It's for emergencies.

We don't need that.

-We can't leave it.
-Your pride won't allow it?

The airport won't.
Can't just leave garbage.

So you admit the kit is garbage.

Have it your way.

It's not my way!
You're in charge of this project.

I'm just saying, what if the emergency
is you need more room

because your son's girlfriend is smuggling
bowling ba*ls across state lines?

We're having fun.

But what will you do
after college for money?

Jen is a smart girl, she'll figure it out.

Smart and gorgeous. I take it back.
You're definitely too good for my son.

-Uh…
-Okay!

With this traffic, we're gonna
miss the whole bar mitzvah.

With this traffic,
we're gonna miss the Moshiach.

Listen, I have to apologize.

Not for anything so far,
I stand by all of it,

but this weekend,
I will be very preoccupied.

-It is my last son's bar mitzvah.
-[dramatic music rising]

We have family in from all over.

I can't give you the full attention
you're used to. Blame Avi.

I don't know
why he's bringing you home now,

but if you came any other weekend,
you would get my complete, absolute focus.

[music ends]

[bell ringing]

See, you understand
why I brought you this weekend.

I understand.

[gentle music playing]

Don't linger with the bags!
This is not a locker room.

And hurry back.

-I need your help with the salad.
-Can I help?

Yes, by taking your bags
and getting out of the kitchen.

You don't have to ask me twice.

[suitcase thumping]

Oh, before I go, I brought something.

Oh, it's lovely.
I have to find something to put in it,

which is more work on the busiest day
of my life, but it's lovely.

My parents taught me
never show up empty-handed.

So she shows up empty-vased.

-Um…
-You wanted help with the salad?

-Yes, but first, find this a home.
-What is it?

-[Naomi] A vase. What's it look like?
-Doesn't look like our vases.

-I'm sorry. It's the wrong--
-It's a new kind of vase, okay?

Jennifer picked it.
She thought we needed new vases.

-No, no, I--
-I guess I'll put it on the table.

-Fine. It's done.
-I didn't mean the vase to--

It's done, I said.
Shira's putting it on the table.

We don't need to spend more time
worrying about your very thoughtful gift.

So who's gonna be at this thing tonight?

Well, Shabbos dinner is just for family
and out-of-town guests.

-I'm grateful to be included.
-Why wouldn't you be?

You're an out-of-town vase.
I mean an empty vase.

I mean an out-of-town vase.
I'm sorry, I'm thinking about empty vases.

Not because of your marvelous gift.
Unrelated vase thoughts.

Uh-huh.

I'm gonna go help with the…

Jennifer, please don't bother.
You've done enough.

So… the Feldsteins aren't coming?

Not tonight, but they'll be
at the bar mitzvah tomorrow.

Will Baby be there?

Is Baby a Feldstein?

Ah-da-da! That's the fleishig sponge!

-Huh?
-Those are dairy dishes. You can't mix--

-Oh, sorry.
-You can't put--

Not a big deal, but those were
my grandmother's dishes.

-You just made them not kosher.
-I did?

I can't explain all the laws!

You didn't mean to,
but they're ruined forever.

Hey, is everything okay?
What happened to your bag?

-Oh.
-Avi, too many people in the kitchen now.

-We can go.
-Visit for a minute.

Don't let him rush you,

-just because you treyfed the dishes.
-She probably wants to freshen up.

She can speak for herself, Avi.

You don't need to speak for her.
And she wants to stay and chat.

Did you seriously invite Baby Feldstein
to Yoshi's Bar Mitzvah?

We've known Paul and Inez
before you were born.

We're not not inviting them because
you're fighting with their daughter.

Baby and I are not in a fight. We're in
a "I hate her and she's dead to me."

Baby Feldstein was Shira's best friend.

She was my best friend.

-I said "was."
-What happened?

She's a liar, is what happened.
Plus, she sucks.

And no offense to Paul and Inez,
but they did a bad job raising her.

And she's not even really a baby.
She's my age. Even her name is a lie.

Shira, you don't even need to talk to her.

There'll be 100 people there,
even Jennifer,

and she doesn't even know Yoshi.

How'd it look if we told the Feldsteins,
"Your daughter can't come,

we need room for Avi's girlfriend
who doesn't know from sponges"?

-I'm sorry?
-Mom?

Of course, we're happy to have you,
I'm just saying.

What, no flowers?

[nostalgic guitar playing]

[music fades out]

Wow, wow, wow!

[chuckles] Too much?

Just the right amount.

Can I ask you, like,
a stupid girlfriend question?

There are no stupid girlfriend questions.
Only stupid girlfriends.

[chuckles]

Your family, do they think I'm bad?

What, because of the dishes?
No, they're just busting your chops.

Well, they seem very critical
about all of the things I am doing

and the ways that I am.

Oh, no, no, that's…
No, they're teasing you.

They're saying you're one of us now,
so we can tease each other.

It's a good thing. They like you.

What would they do if they didn't like me?

-They would also tease you.
-Uh-huh.

Like all families.

Right.

Also, your mom
keeps calling me Jennifer.

Which is fine, and you're fine with it?

You want me to talk to her.

Uh-huh, but otherwise
you're having an okay time?

I'm having a wonderful time.

[Naomi] Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

Mm-hm.

I mean, it's a start, yeah?

It's a great start, and I'm glad
you did it so I don't have to.

Think it's fair to put
Uncle Barry near the kids?

Think it's fair to put
Uncle Barry near anybody?

It's perfect, I love you,
just a few adjustments.

[sing-songy] Mm-mm-mmm.

Yes, yes, no.

-Hey, Mom.
-Ah!

-You scared me! You're so handsome!
-Do you have a moment?

I have no moments.
This seating arrangement is a crime.

The Rosenbergs never did anything
as bad as this, and they got the chair.

-Talk about seating arrangements.
-Ha!

For you, I have
all the moments in the world.

Mm, no.

[humorous drumbeat]

Oh, hey there. Are you excited
about tomorrow? Big day, huh?

Oh. [chuckles]

Um…

So Jen is having a wonderful time…

What is it? She's miserable?
Hates us? Hates me?

I can't help it
if she's decided she hates me, Avi.

-No, wonderful time!
-I was so kind about that vase.

What did she say?

She didn't say anything.
I am just making an observation--

Here's something to observe.

You brought her home at a time
you knew would be emotional for me.

Yoshi is about to become a man.

The last of my children
is no longer a child.

-I am childless.
-You're not childless.

I see all these names,
and you know what stands out?

The names I don't see
of the people who are dead.

Right. So, hey, speaking of names,

and this is such a small thing,

uh, my girlfriend's name is Jen.

Jennifer, yes, I know.

Right, but with a little less "ifer."
Just Jen.

What kind of name is "Just Jen"?

The name of my girlfriend
that she got named by her parents.

-Avi, I am trying my best.
-I know you are.

-Not my fault she has a difficult name.
-It's actually so un-difficult.

Sorry I upset your girlfriend.

If I could change myself to make
you happy, you don't think I would?

-All I want's for my children to be happy.
-Hey, no, Mom. We are!

She's having a wonderful time.
"Wonderful" is her word.

I didn't… It's, it's my fault.
Forget I said anything.

Think Grandma's going to be okay
this close to the vent?

Forget it. People can sit
wherever they want. The world is chaos.

Why should I get a night
where things are nice for once?

[upbeat klezmer music playing]

Aunt Carol and Aunt Susan,
my mom's sisters.

They'll spend all weekend
bitching to each other.

Uncle Arnie and Aunt Elaine,
he's in real estate, she makes sculptures.

-[Barry laughing loudly]
-Mom's Uncle Barry.

We were on the tarmac for an hour
because the airport had a b*mb scare.

Turns out some putz left a box
of road flares on the curb.

Look at him sucking up the oxygen
like this weekend is for him.

"Is not a schnook entitled to a schmooze
at his great-nephew's simcha?"

"You laugh, but a schnook is entitled."

-Just glad Cousin Moishe's not here.
-Well, the night is young.

[glass dinging]

Everyone, I'd like to make a toast.

-And the freeway! Don't get me started…
-[shushing]

I was just getting started!

I'm so glad so many of you
could come from so far away.

I want to acknowledge
there's a new person here.

Avi's girlfriend, Jen.

-Oh. Ahem.
-[dramatic stinger]

Hi.

If you haven't met Jen yet,
let me be the first to tell you,

Jen's marvelous.

-What did you say to her?
-I think she really likes you.

I had to give her special mention
because I know she loves the spotlight

because she's an actress.

-[man] An actress, wow.
-[all exclaiming]

[camera clicks, winding]

But now, for the man of the hour,
where's Yoshi?

Hm?

Yoshi, where did you get that cookie?

Can you act like a person
for once in your…

[chuckles awkwardly]
You're always skipping ahead. My Yoshi.

That is a good metaphor.

I haven't finished my c*ck,
Yoshi's at dessert.

Just yesterday, we were
taking him home from the hospital,

and already he's a man.

It's like that line from Fiddler,
I'll never forget the lyric.

"I'm not the one who got older,
but somehow…"

Uh… [scoffs]

-You know, "To life."
-L'chaim!

No, I was quoting the play!

Sorry, premature l'chaim.

My point is it happened so fast.

Before we know it, the bar mitzvah will be
over and Yoshi will be up in the chair.

-['Hava Nagila" playing]
-[laughing]

-[man] Very good.
-[happily] Quit it!

[cheering]

[woman] Elliott, lift!

[all laughing and chattering]

[indistinct]

Now I know it's my first time,
but Yoshi did a really good job, right?

-Actually, yeah.
-He k*lled it. This food is bad.

His speech was so sophisticated.

How is a 13-year-old
so wise about the Holocaust?

That is because of his bar mitzvah tutor,
Mr. Leibowitz. He is a survivor.

-Like from the Destiny's Child song.
-Oh…

-Shira, Avi, mazel tov.
-Oh. [chuckles]

Hey, this is my girlfriend, Jen.

Uh, Paul and Inez Feldstein,
old friends of my parents.

We've heard so much about you.
Naomi just adores you.

-She does?
-Where's Baby?

Oh, Baby couldn't make it.

She couldn't make it.

Midterms.

Oh, I also have midterms,

but I still made it my beeswax
to be at Yoshi's bar mitzvah.

Well, you're his sister.

You don't have to make excuses for Baby.

We all know she has
screwed-up priorities and no loyalty.

No offense, I know she's your daughter.

We'll tell her you said hello.

Do you believe that?

-Why're you mad? You didn't wanna see her.
-Not the point.

She RSVP'd "yes."

So, would you rather she was here?

Of course not!
But how could she do this to Yoshi?

-He'll be devastated.
-Where is Yoshi?

Today, I am a man.

[inhaling deeply, coughing]

Schwooper, today you are the man.

Is it just me, or am I awesome
at bar mitzvahing?

Dude, your davening was on point!

I was peeping Mr. Leibowitz.
He was kvellin' like a felon.

[laughing] Hey, Danny,
this doesn't make us bad Jews, does it?

Please. Like Maimonides never got high?

But at my bar mitzvah?

I mean, you don't think we're
gonna get in trouble, like, with God?

[laughing] Yoshi! Wait, tell me
you don't still believe in God.

-No!
-What are you, six?

No, of course not. Not "God" God,
but like, you know, the idea of God.

-What?
-Like a God energy?

There is no energy, man.
There's no God! There's nothing.

-[faint religious chanting]
-But I just read from the Torah.

I learned all these prayers.

I… I gave a speech. If there's no God,
what was the point of any of this?

You know what's really dumb?
Baby actually got me these earrings,

and I wore them tonight as,
like, a peace offering, you know?

But now she's not here
and I'm wearing these like an idiot.

Why do you even care?
You haven't talked to Baby in a year.

The Holocaust happened 60 years ago.
I guess we should stop caring about that.

-Yikes.
-Or do you need Yoshi's speech again?

Girl friendships can be so intense.

Yes, they can be. You see that, Avi?
That's empathy. Thank you, Jen.

Avi, can you find your brother?
It's almost time for the candle ceremony.

-You don't know where he is?
-He wandered off with Danny Wegbreit.

-Oh God.
-Oh my God.

So everyone's been lying to me.
I spent half a year studying for a lie.

And a sweet party.

I could've spent time doing something
real, like Dance Dance Revolution.

Then I could impress Rachel Chu.

Rachel Chu wouldn't suddenly like you if
you were good at Dance Dance Revolution.

Honestly think it could get me
halfway with Rachel Chu.

-[Avi] There you are.
-Inconspicuous!

Hey, it's a big day, you're having fun.

I get it.
But it's time to light the candles.

-Why, though? What is the point?
-What's the point of anything?

So Mom doesn't have a conniption fit.
Let's go.

[disconcerting traditional music playing]

[microphone feedback]

[clears throat] So here we are,
and we are, uh, lighting…

[sing-songy] …candles!

So it's, um, 13 of them,
and each one will get lit on fire.

And they are tall candles.
Too tall, maybe.

[clearing throat]

For the fourth candle,
my best friend, Danny Wegbreit.

Danny, get on up here.

-["Jerusalem, Jerusalem" playing]
-Wazzup?!

And while he's doing it, let me just
tell you about the first three candles,

which maybe I should have done
before the fourth one, obviously.

Okay, the first candle is Mom and Dad.

The reason we're all here.

Have a bar mitzvah, they said.
We'll do the "Cha-Cha Slide."

-It's not at all a big lie.
-Okay.

We'll "Cha-Cha Slide" after.
What's the lie?

And the other two
of the first three, right,

is my sister, Shira,
and brother, Avi. What a team.

Whoo!

Both went through this.
Could've given me a heads-up.

-We're almost done, yeah?
-Nine more.

[shouting] Nine more?

[chuckles] Okay, let's roll through.

Number five, you know her,
you love her. It's my grandma.

-[whistling]
-[scattered applause]

Number eight is camp friends.

Felt essential to include
when we were sending invitations.

Now it's many months later and it's like,
"Ha-ha, who are you people?"

Number 12, my bar mitzvah tutor,
Mr. Leibowitz.

Lived through the worst horror imaginable.

Now spends his time
teaching kids how to pray to God

because clearly that works.

-What's wrong with you?
-I said it works!

Okay, let's close things out.

Lucky number 13,

uh, someone new to our family
but already very dear,

-my brother's girlfriend, Jen.
-Huh?

[Yoshi] "Parentheses,
ask Avi what Jen's last name is."

Nu? And what about my late wife, Sylvia?
She doesn't get a candle?

Uncle Barry, we're sorry.
We ran out of candles, okay?

You ran out?

Aunt Sylvia isn't here.
May she rest in peace.

All the more reason to honor her!
I could have lit a candle in her memory.

We couldn't give everyone a candle.
Decisions were made. Sue us.

Your Aunt Sylvia was like
a second mother to you. Shame!

[man] Sit down, Barry!

I will not sit down!
Instead you give a candle to what?

The new girlfriend?

[dramatic "Hava Nagila"]

Tell me, did "Jen Last-Name"
give up her young adulthood

to help raise her brothers
and sisters in a tenement?

Did you, Jen?

Barry, it wasn't a tenement.

Their father was a furrier.
They had a very nice apartment.

For a family of seven,
it was a tenement practically.

-I didn't get a candle. Sit down!
-Light the candle, Jen.

Don't you light that candle!
That's my wife's candle!

You see this check?
This was to be in your honor, Yoshi.

One hundred and eight dollars to the ADL.

But now this is what
I think of your candles!

-No!
-That doesn't hurt us. It hurts the ADL.

It's worth it to make a point.
The ADL would be on my side here.

Light the candle.

I don't know if I should.

Don't be ridiculous.

Careful!

-[Jen] Oh!
-[all exclaiming]

-[Naomi] Oh no!
-Fire!

Okay, I've got this.

There's a fire extinguisher
in the emergency kit… Oh.

-[exciting "Hava Nagila" playing]
-[screaming]

Okay. God is real and he is pissed!

-[Barry shouting]
-Oh.

[growling]

[music distorts]

-[both grunt]
-[exciting music continues]

-Let her light it!
-[Barry] Off, vilde khaye!

[both grunting]

Sylvia's dead! Jen is alive!

[both panting]

Can you be gracious
for once in your miserable life?

Hey, are you okay?

This is the craziest thing I've ever seen.

-I've seen worse.
-[music ends]

[both sighing]

It's when we're with family
I miss her the most.

If we lit a candle for everybody I miss,
we would be here for days.

Okay, who's ready for "Cha-Cha Slide"?
Where is that DJ?

What are we paying him for? Come on!

[gentle music playing]

-So they're kind of a lot, huh?
-Kind of.

I guess I could have warned you better.

But when it's your family,
you almost don't notice it.

Yeah, I can see
how one would almost not notice it.

In any case, you were amazing.

And for whatever it's worth,
I do think they really like you.

-Yeah?
-They gave you a candle.

That's not nothing.
Aunt Sylvia didn't even get a candle.

Did Aunt Sylvia not get a candle?
I must have missed that.

And for whatever it's worth,
I really like you.

Do you want to listen to a song from
Les Mis and not talk the whole time?

Okay, I'm in.

["The Obvious Child"
by Paul Simon playing]

♪ I am remembering a girl
When I was young ♪

♪ We had a lot of fun
We had a lot of money ♪

♪ We had a little son
And we thought we'd call him Sonny ♪

♪ Sonny gets married and moves away ♪

♪ Sonny has a baby and bills to pay ♪

♪ Sonny gets sunnier
Day by day by day by day ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Well, I've been waking up at sunrise ♪

♪ I've been following the light
Across my room ♪

♪ I watch the night
Receive the room of my day ♪

♪ Some people say
The sky is just the sky ♪

♪ But I say
Why deny the obvious child? ♪

♪ Why deny the obvious child? ♪

[music fades out]