01x04 - Shira Can't Cook

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music playing]

[brakes screech]

[sighs]

[groans, mutters] Oh God, okay.

[sighs loudly]

Um…

Hm. [sniffles]

[chuckles]

I'm sorry, I normally don't do this.

-No need to start now.
-But this is the express lane, so…

Uh-huh.

It's 12 items or less, so…

I've got around… 12 items.

Sure.

Just, it's not,
"Around 12 items or less," is it?

[laughing] Are you kidding me?

Did I miss the part that says,
"12 or less, or more? Up to you."

Maybe you missed where it says,
"Mind your own business."

-I'm in a hurry.
-Oh, you're in a hurry.

I am making
pomegranate chicken for 20 people.

Some of us have actual
Rosh Hashanah meals to cook.

I see you volunteered
for apples and honey duty.

-Ooh. Don't throw your back out.
-I was delegated apples and honey.

-My mom doesn't trust me in the kitchen.
-Don't take your mommy issues out on me.

For your information, my mom is right
to not trust me in the kitchen,

so that's not even
what my mommy issues are about.

Don't assume you know my deal 'cause
I'm buying the correct number of items.

I'm not assuming anything.
You're announcing your whole deal.

But congratulations on getting invited
to a Rosh Hashanah dinner.

-Shana Tova, by the way.
-How do you know I'm not hosting?

-Shana Tova to you.
-I think the line's moving.

-We're in the middle of a conversation!
-Can you chill out for one second?

Are you Jewish?

What? You keeping a list?
Hot Black Jews in the Oakland area?

Um… [chuckling] No.

Maybe you should make a list
of hot white Jews.

Huh. I don't know if you're Jew enough
for the hot Jews list.

That honey bear doesn't have a hechsher.

-[gasps]
-[dramatic drums]

-I see why your mom doesn't trust you.
-Damn it!

Save my place in line?

No.

Yeah, that's fair.

["Long Story Short
Main Title Theme" playing]

[music ends]

[sprinklers spraying]

Ugh. These frames are terrible.

I look like Benjamin Franklin.

You mean you look like 100 bucks?

That's a bad amount of money to look like.

-[boy] Those are my talons!
-[playful music playing]

Vultures don't change clothes.

Yes, they do. They shed their feathers
and grow new ones.

That's snakes. [grunts]

Walter.

Okay, Ben. No crust and no yolks.

[dog panting]

Oh no! I lost Ben.

I guess we can just give
this very specifically prepared sandwich

to The Undeniable Isadora Duncan.

Okay, let's go. Sweatshirts.

I'll wear a sweatshirt
if you let me watch one Papa Troll.

Oh, Walter. You know
our internet doesn't get Papa Troll.

-Ugh!
-Did music class get moved to Monday?

I can take them.
You have the franchise meeting.

No! That's Friday.
Monday's the entertainment meeting,

-and you know Noah won't do his damn job.
-I gotcha.

Good. I have to cut
the animatronics budget in half.

I can't imagine a BJ BananaFingers
without BJ's Barnacle Bandstand.

That clam can really rap.

[silence]

Why isn't anyone yelling?

-Oh!
-Have you lost your damn minds?

Don't put sunscreen
on The Undeniable Isadora Duncan!

-I don't want her to get cancer.
-I do!

Should we skip this thing?
I like Lekh L'kha better anyway.

Lekh, Lekh, Lekh…

That's like a cat with a hairball.

I thought we wanted our kids
to get a Jewish education.

Yeah, but hairball school's


Altman Academy is literally on the way
to CVS where they sell sunscreen,

which we'll need because
Walter is now eating all of ours. Walter!

[heartwarming piano music playing]

It's squirrel brains!

-Ben, look!
-[both] Walter, can we not today?

[boys giggling]

Okay, garden. This place is fancy.

For 30 grand a year,
we could buy our own farm.

So Altman is too expensive,
but Lekh L'kha is too far?

Hey. Are you a vulture?

And half cheetah, and half sorcerer!
I'm really fast at spells.

-[sh**ting noises]
-Oh! And look at this sunflower.

-Hello, Mr. Sunflower.
-Hi.

[gasping] A talking sunflower.

[both laughing]

-It was me.
-No, it was Benjamin.

Pablo Luna, Head of Child Wellness,
and don't blame me for the title.

Shira Schwooper, Kendra Hooper,

and Walter and Benjamin Hooper-Schwooper.

Super-duper.
I know picking a school is a big decision,

but I believe we've created
an environment that shepherds

kind, creative, well-adjusted humans.

And math, I promise. They also learn math.

-Would you like to see the school?
-Yeah.

[kids giggling]

[uplifting music playing]

[boys laughing]

[kids chatting happily]

[dragon roars]

-[kids screaming]
-[boys laughing]

[teacher] Hm-hm!

[elephant trumpets]

-[grunts]
-[gasps]

[crowd cheering]

Yes! Whoo!

[Pablo] So that's pretty much the tour.

Anything we didn't cover?

No, we covered quite a lot.

Great. So the application
is on our website.

Make sure you get it in early.

We usually get about 80 applications,
and we have around 12 slots this year.

Around 12, or 12?

Oh, excuse me.
I have other families to welcome,

but see you at
the prospective parents potluck?

Pardon? A potluck?

It's just a chance for us
to get to know your family.

It's all on the website, but no pressure.

Wow, triplets!

We have a problem.
I'm in love with this place.

I wish I could go here.
Like, not as a kid. Starting now.

We have to show up to that potluck.

Okay. Altman Academy.

Calendar. Potluck sign-up.

Verify email. Accept, accept, accept.

"Click only the pictures of bisexuals"?

How am I supposed to…
Oh, definitely this guy, right?

Where are your glasses?

It says "Click the bicycles."

Oh, I'm in. I'm in.

There's a sign-up thing. Okay.
"Veggie side," "savory dip," "napkins."

Can we do napkins?

Can we do napkins?

They only have 12 slots.

-We want two!
-But "napkin" says we're busy.

-We have full-time jobs. We don't need--
-We need to impress these people.

Shira, we're a l*sbian couple
with biracial Jewish sons.

We're impressive enough.

Are you kidding, Kendra? Look around.
It's like frickin' Bridgerton over here.

[fancy orchestral music plays]

-I'm signing up for entree.
-Shira.

They have to admit the entree people.
The entree people are go-getters.

-I know you're busy. I'll handle it.
-You're going to cook?

[handles click]

-Walter.
-Benjamin.

[giggling]

So the whole bat mitzvah
was monster-themed.

They gave out Dracula teeth,
and the fruit punch looked like blood.

And there was a guy in a King Kong suit.

A human-sized King Kong?

I know. That's just a gorilla.

Ugh. So cringe.

You saying "cringe" is cringe.

Is Sarah, like, into monster movies?

No! She likes unboxing videos.

A better bat mitzvah theme
would have been "unboxing videos."

No, a better theme
would have been "bat mitzvah."

That's already a theme. You don't need
to add another thing on top of it.

It's like an ice cream-themed
baked potato.

It's a lot of money to spend

just to tell your daughter,
"We don't know you."

That was not a bat mitzvah party
with a monster theme.

What you attended was a monster party
featuring a subtle mist of bat mitzvah.

Oh, I wasn't there.
I just looked at the pictures online.

Wait, you didn't go?

Sarah and I aren't really friends anymore.

No? Since when?

Bus.

[phone buzzing]

Hey, who died?

[Shira] Uh… Still Mom.

I'm trying to remember
that sort of good casserole Mom made.

I have to bring an entree to a potluck.

Maybe it was a mushroom casserole?

She made mushroom knishes.
I don't wanna deal with the dough.

Right, the knishes. She always complained
about how hard they were to make.

And we said, "Why make them
if they make you so miserable?"

"They're good knishes, Shira."

"What, I should make something easy?
Only the best for my children."

"For you, I suffer."

[Shira] Yeah, so forgive me,
I don't want to make the hard knishes.

It sucks that I can't just call her.

When she died, I knew
there'd be no more big moments,

but I wasn't ready for all the small stuff
I'd no longer have access to.

I can't just google,
"What was my mom's easiest recipe?"

If only there was something like wikiFeet,

but not just for famous people,
and not just for feet.

What about zucchini kugel?
It was easy and everyone loved it.

Yoshi ate so much he threw up.

Yeah, then he moved the rug
to cover it up.

Took a month to figure out
what that smell was.

But it was good kugel, right?

-It was. Do you have a food processor?
-I think you have our food processor.

Oh yeah, I think Jen has it.

Avi! That thing costs us, like, 400 bucks.

I'm sorry, I must have been distracted
by the devastation of my failed marriage

when I was packing kitchen appliances.

Big oops on your part.

Jen would have good ideas for you though.

She and Mom used to bond over cooking.

Mom and Jen bonded?

[sputtering] Broccoli casserole!

Mom made it when we got invited
to dinner last minute. Ah?

-Yes!
-There you go, Avi.

"When you're invited
'cause someone better canceled,

you make broccoli casserole."

Think Mom would judge me
for making something so easy?

Yes, but… look,
she's not here, so… [clicks tongue]

If she wanted to judge you,
she shouldn't have died.

Yeah, okay. I gotta go.

Hey.

You know?

Yeah, I know. You too.

[melancholy clarinet playing]

[moaning]

-Can you see my screen?
-Our brand…

-Am I sharing my screen?
-Focus up, people.

If we can't square these budgets,
we're talking hundreds of layoffs.

Noah, do you have the numbers
on Alvin Orangutan's Fettuccine expl*si*n?

-Noah, I'm not hearing numbers.
-[doorbell ringing]

Uh, one sec.

[straining]

We're making knishes!

-[Isadora barking]
-Uh… Ah!

We?

I'm making my mom's knishes.

They're a big hit. Very impressive.

Knishes say,
"You k'need us in your k'nindergarten."

K'nan't we just get a pizza from Costco?

Costco pizza? This is our boys' education
we're talking about.

I don't think people pay attention
to who brings what to a potluck.

I remember what everybody brings
and judge them about it for years.

I'm still mad about the time Matt and
Cheng showed up with sangria and no cups?

How are we supposed to drink,
Matt and Cheng?

Straight from the bowl? Like dogs?

Okay, but a homemade
savory pastry sounds ambitious

for someone who can't scramble an egg.

I can scramble an egg.

Our smoke detectors
are just too sensitive.

You sure you're up to this?

I've got this.
Mom made knishes all the time.

It couldn't have been that hard.

-Mommy, Ben's hogging the knife!
-Share with your brother, Benjamin.

Okay, let's go do magnet blocks.
Uh, where did you get chocolate?

Mmm… Nature?

-[moaning]
-[barking]

Okay, I know, The Undeniable
Isadora Duncan, we'll go out in a sec.

Just everybody, just… What?

I did all the same stuff.

Why is mine different? Ah!

Okay, no, no, no!

Look, Noah, the claw machines
are not the problem.

Seems like your whack-a-mole issues
keep popping up.

-Give it back!
-I need it!

This onion is insane.
It's like attacking me.

I'm going to dead you!

Walter, we don't dead people.
Can you play something together?

We could play
watching Papa Troll together.

I'll ask Internet.

Still no.

-[crying]
-We need a new Internet!

Life is bad!

-[Shira] Just passing through.
-What?

I have to pop by Jen's real quick
to get my Mix-a-Lot.

I'm mashing when I should be blending.

I mean, can you believe it? Classic Shira.

She's a lot, but we love her, that Shira!

You are not driving
all the way to Santa Rosa.

Why not borrow a blender
from the neighbor?

Chris? No. He's so chatty.

If I act neighborly,
he'll be popping by for sugar,

inviting us to crack a Cabernet
like a pervert.

Hey, Shira, you are not leaving me
with these kids at bath time.

[Siri] I'm sorry, I didn't quite get that.

I said, "Hey, Shira!"

Fine, yeah, screw the potluck.

We'll find a school easier to get into
and it'll be easy for them.

Would that be so awful?

That would be so awful.

Now I need to go and come back
before the dough goes sour.

Dough doesn't sour.

What about sourdough, Kendra?

Yeah, that's right. Checkmate.

Go get your blender.

But while you're at Jen's,

you might want to also get
her divorce lawyer.

It's back here somewhere.

How's the wine biz?

Oh, booming.


-Ah, found it!
-Thanks.

Hey, did… did you and my mom
used to bond over cooking?

Oh, I don't know if I'd say "bond."

I'd compliment her cooking,

but then she thought
I was really interested,

because her own children
didn't compliment her, which…

is something she mentioned to me
quite a lot.

Can't believe Mom's being passive-
aggressive to me from beyond the grave.

That's real dedication.

-Hey, now. There's a compliment.
-[door opening]

Stop. Who is this beautiful, amazing,
brilliant, fascinating, fabulous dynamo?

Could it be Hannah?

Aunt Shira.
I didn't know you were coming over.

How's my little talented, gorgeous genius?
Are you still in Model UN?

Yeah, but I got Montenegro.

Oh, little Montenegro.
They're lucky to have you.

Oh, um, Hannah,
uh, did you pass that resolution?

Mom, I have to study.

[sighs]

Daughters are hard.

[tense music playing]

We still haven't cut enough losses
to keep the Miami franchise open.

-[clattering]
-[Benjamin] That was my acid nest!

Boys. Boys. Boys!

I need 30 minutes.

Just 30 minutes.

[long, shuddering groan]

-I'm putting on Papa Troll.
-[both gasp]

Our internet doesn't get Papa Troll.

I'm going to do some hacking
so you can watch it just once.

-Ben! Write it down.
-Eight-six-seven-five-three-oh-nine.

Eight, six, seven,
a hundred, a million-hundred.

God forgive me.

♪ Papa Troll, Papa Troll
He rides around on water ♪

♪ Papa Troll, Papa Troll
Has a wife, and son, and daughter ♪

♪ And another daughter and two more sons
And a brother-in-law ♪

♪ We're a family
And we assist each other in law ♪

[groaning]

[Shira] Kendra?

What is that noise?

That is the noise of
you said, "I can handle it!"

But I don't know what you think
"I" and "can" and "handle it" mean,

because I have spent every moment
of this week doing my full-time job

while trying to stop our screaming
children from catching on literal fire,

chopping off their fingers so you could
do your little Top Chef cosplay,

when you knew from the beginning
I didn't have the time,

and now, on top of all that,
I had to put on Papa Troll!

-[gasping dramatically]
-Don't you gasp at me!

I should be gasping at you!

But I don't have a spare moment!
I have no spare moments for gasping!

Okay, first of all, I am very sorry.

I'm bad and you're great.

Also, I love you.

And also-also, I did it. It's over.

Hm.

Hey, Shira? This is really good.

[Siri] I'm sorry. I didn't quite get that.

I said it's good!

-Really?
-Yeah, really. Try it.

-Hm.
-[soft, anticipatory music playing]

Hm.

Hmm.

[scoffs]

What are you doing?

It's off.

What?

Stop that. Stop, stop, stop.
No, no, no. What are you doing?

Don't waste them!

Drop the knish! Shira, put it down!
Down, Shira! Bad Shira!

Shira! Why? What's…
What is wrong with them?

[sniffs] Hm.

They're not my mom's.

[water sloshing]

[Walter] Papa Troll!

I'm solving water crimes!

I need Mom's recipe.
I wish I could just call her.

Of course, she wouldn't pick up.

Then she'd send me a passive-aggressive
"Saw you called" text.

Then I'd text, "Can you talk?"

She'd text back,
"I'm very busy, but for you, always,"

and then still not answer when I called.

Then she'd call me
and leave a long voicemail

about an article in Hadassah Magazine.
In short--

Oh, don't do that. You can't say
"In short" after already going long.

We need to get into this school.
I have to get them right.

[sighs] Okay.
Where is your mother's recipe?

[Elliott] Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Nope.

Hmm.

Do I want big savings
on my next yogurt purchase?

Well, I don't not want big savings
on my next yogurt purchase.

[ringing]

Shira, is everything okay?

Yeah, fine. Do you know
where Mom's recipe book is?

[both] Grandpa!

Hey! Come here, you. Oh no. Wow, so big.

-You could've texted me the recipe.
-I'm no good with phones.

I tried to take a picture, and it made me
drive from Mountain View

to spend a day with my grandchildren!

Tell us a math joke.

Here's one.

When I see you boys,
I'm like the mathematical constant, pi.

I love you so much, it's irrational.

[boys laugh hysterically]

You're a pie?

[Shira] My mom had to
improve every recipe.

"Substitute schmaltz for lard,
bake in big Pyrex."

Her macaroni salad
was from Martha Stewart Living?

That's goyim food.

Macaroni's Italian.
The Chinese invented pasta.

-Make the knish.
-All this for a potluck?

You know Costco sells those big pizzas.

Ben says he won't wear shin guards!

Thanks for taking them, Elliott.
You're a lifesaver.

Happy to. What do I need to know?

I'll show you how to use booster seats.

The game's in
the northwest corner of Magnolia Park.

Park on Piedmont,
where they do the rapid tests.

Gotcha. This is all at Piedmont Park.

Oh no, Magnolia Park.

The northwest corner.
That's where the lilac team's playing.

-I'll look for the kids in purple.
-No, the purple team is older kids.

-Look for kids in lilac.
-I'll look for kids in lilac.

And you'll need to download
the league app to check in.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

Dad, you sure you're up for this?

Piece of cake. You said Northwest Park?

I'll… I'll go with you.

Hundreds of jobs are on the line,

but I could do my meeting
from a public park

full of maniacal, screeching children.

[awkwardly] Power move?

[loud cheering]

Considering the long-term revenue
that carousels render--

[man] What was that
about the marinara vendor?

No. We're not changing the marinara.

Change the marinara?

-No, no, no. We won't change.
-Hello? You're cutting out--

Mama! Mama! I found a dead crow!

Oh God. Hello? Are you there?
Am I there? Can you see me?

These orange slices
are probably for everyone, right?

-Ugh!


-[crowd groaning]
-[Ben crying]

-[Elliott] Oh, boy.
-[Kendra] Ben!

Benny, are you okay, baby?

They'll have to amputate.

What's amputate?

It's when the Kaiser chops off your leg
if you're a France guy.

-Walter, stop that.
-[crying]

It'll bruise, but you'll be okay. Promise.

Want to finish the game?

[whimpering]

There's a dead crow near the goal.
Want to step on it?

Yes.

Sorry I wasn't more of a help.
My boys never did sports.

Avi and Yoshi were more indoor cats.

Soccer's tough.

This is usually Shira's thing, but…

she is occupied.

I remember those knishes.

Naomi had a hard time with them too.

All right, here we go.

Knish.

Shira loved them though.

And she was not always
such an easy customer, believe it or not.

Yeah, no, I believe that.

Okay, okay, okay.
"Simmer potato. Drain." Yeah. Yeah.

So when Naomi
found something Shira would eat,

that's what Naomi made.

I did this. "Heat oil, divide dough."
This is exactly what I did.

Did it ever get easier for Naomi?

[Shira] Are you kidding me?
I already did this.

No, she used to
complain about it every time.

[grumbling]

[Elliott] But, you know,
I think that was part of it too.

You know, you do something hard

so they know that you love them.

[groaning] Oh God…

No.

Oh.

[sighs]

[sniffles]

[chuckles softly]

[Isadora yipping]

Mommy! Mommy!
Mama said we can watch Papa Troll!

I did not say that.
Change out of your uniforms, please.

Ben, we have the code.

[sighs deeply]

Should I ask?

Hm.

And?

It's garlicky.

Like, so garlicky.

Hm.

They're just like Mom's.

[gentle music playing]

[Kendra chuckling]

[both sigh contentedly]

You must be exhausted.

Yeah.

Thank you for this week. [kisses]

I don't know what happened.

It's not a straight line.

Right.

[groaning] But we should
clean the kitchen before we…

[snoring]

…fall asleep.

[heartwarming music playing]

[sighs]

[Isadora growling]

[gasping]

-[dramatic stinger]
-[gasps]

No. No, The Undeniable Isadora Duncan.

Don't eat that. It has garlic. Ah!

Down, The Undeniable Isadora Duncan. No!

Ah! Come on.

Ugh. [gasping]

Oh no.

[inhales sharply] Oh.

Shira, you better…

[sighs deeply]

Okay.

All right.

[breathing deeply]

[groaning]

-How come you're walking so slow, Mama?
-Did you sleep all right?

Uh, yeah.

Wait, it's inside?

Are they trying to give us all COVID?
No way. Forget it.

We're not going to the picnic?

-We're not going to this school.
-Are you serious?

They can't prioritize safety at one event,

and we're supposed to trust them
with our children every day?

Nuh-uh.
We're going to the hairball school.

[laughing bitterly]

Okay!

[character on TV] That's the last time
you sabotage the regatta

with a lot of ricotta.

So every crime happens near water?

How else are they going to get there?

Can we get pizza?

-Eat your knish.
-No.

Your mother made it with love.

[shouting] I want pizza!

["Baby" by Sipper is playing]

♪ I don't believe in anything ♪

♪ But I'll believe in you ♪

♪ And I know it's all a game
And make-believe ♪

♪ But this one feels more true ♪

[vocalizing]

[music fades out]