01x07 - Kendra's Job

[bunniefuu]

[intense dance music playing]

[children giggling]

Whoo, isn't this amazing, Kendra?

The Princess Party Room is
the most popular of all the party rooms

at BJ BananaFingers.

Very exclusive. All of the dresses
are from real dead princesses.

[sighs] I know, Dad.

But your daddy got you
the best of the best

because your daddy loves you
the best of the best.

What about me?

-I said what I said, son.
-[groans]

We're not slumming it
in some duchess room or countess room.

You're my princess, so you get princess
no matter the priciness.

Thanks. It's the best room.

-[phone ringing]
-Oh, gotta take this.

What?

You tell that b*stard
if he doesn't sign the deal right now,

I'm gonna climb up his hair like Rapunzel
and punch him in the face!

Are you not having a good time?

No. This party is whack.
Wiggity, wiggity, wiggity whack.

[gasps] Three wiggities? On your birthday?

I don't like the sound of that.

You know what?
We can make a break for it, okay?

And go where?

Somewhere magical. Trust me.

Okay.

-[fanfare playing]
-Now.

I'm gonna lose a glass slipper up his a*s.

[rock music playing]

[both panting]

[woman] This way. Come on!

Over here. Run!

[gasping]

[woman] Well,
don't waste time being in awe.

Get out there.

Wiggity, wiggity, wiggity wonderful!

["Long Story Short
Main Title Theme" playing]

[music ends]

[military drumbeat playing]

[drumbeat stops]

Good morning, Fun Floor family!

[all] Good morning, Kendra.

What do all 365 days have in common? Kyle?

Um, they all end in Y?

[all snickering]

-Monica?
-Every day is someone's birthday.

That's right.
And today is Hunter's birthday.

So today is all about Hunter.

If Hunter's parents wanted
a cookie-cutter, ready-made,

one-size-fits-all, assembly-line birthday,

they could visit our friends
at Charles Entertainment Cheese.

But they come to BJ BananaFingers
for a bespoke, once-in-a-lifetime,

-magical birthday experience.
-[fireworks popping]

Here's the dossier on today's special boy.

You have 30 seconds to read,
memorize, and internalize.

Tito Tuna, what the hell
happened to your head? Bonk!

You never take
any part of your costume off

while you're on the floor. You understand?

Mm-hmm.

All right, folks.
Let's go BananaFinger some kids.

[intense dance music playing]

Girl chewing gum, three o'clock.
That better not end up on someone's shoe.

Why is there a wobbly table on my floor?

-Um, which table?
-You tell me.

-Uh, table eight.
-Good girl. Fix it.

[clears throat]

[ominous music playing]

-[woman screaming]
-Oh God.

-Hunter!
-[choking]

[Hunter grunting]

-[coughs]
-[sighs]

Did you read the one-sheet?

It clearly says
grapes must be cut in quarters.

He's 12. I thought that was a joke.

Why would I put a joke on the one-sheet?
Do I look like Bernie Mac to you?

-Uhh…
-Don't answer that!

Six years of birthdays
and we're still cutting the grapes?

I know. I never taught him to chew,
like the other dads.

Don't blame yourself.
You were always at work.

Ah-ah-ah. It's okay.
Here's what we're gonna do.

First, start cutting his grapes in thirds.

Give it time.
Then half, then whole but peeled.

Then finally, whole and unpeeled.

I'm gonna see you here next year
and we're all gonna be eating grapes.

Let's reserve your spot
before you leave today.

We love you, Kendra.

[ominous music resumes]

Jax, you home?

You would not believe the day I had.

-[groans]
-Let me guess. Someone's birthday.

-Well, I--
-Let's just eat.

Mm. It's good.

Thank you. Better than
the stuff you make on your nights.

-Nuh-uh. I make good food.
-Tilapia with cheese and olives?

-Wait. You don't like my pizza fish?
-[both laughing]

You work at a restaurant. Bring home--

You know we're not allowed
to take food off-site.

Oh my God. Kendra, I was joking.

I don't joke about my job, Jaclyn.

There's nothing funny
about working at BJ BananaFingers'

kooky-ooky, giggle-wiggle, wacky-snacky,
birthday-berserky Fun Floor.

You take work way too seriously.

I have a job,
but I still make it home on time.

That's your job.

And what is my job?

Girl, I don't have time for the games.

-You don't know what I do.
-Of course I do!

You are a megaphone person.

-I'm a hostage negotiator!
-For real?

I let a man get shot
so I could have dinner with you.

Oh my God! Is he okay?

I don't know,
because my workday ends at 6:00.

Listen! We can fix this!

You're my world.

-You're my only priority.
-[buzzing]

Hold on, I'm getting a call.
I gotta take this. It's my boss.

-Fine. Let's take work calls. Romantic.
-Veronica! How are you?

I'll do it too.

Jerry, hey.
I'd like to pull some overtime…

-Really?
-…because I'm a workaholic that doesn't…

-What?
-…care about my girlfriend.

Yes, thank you. I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, I'm on my way. How do you like it?

I was accepted into the BJ BananaFingers
management training program.

Management training?
What happened to "I'm your world"?

Yeah, I guess you're not!
This isn't gonna work. Best of luck.

What? No! We can make this work.

I was being needy.
But I can be less needy.

Like a succulent.

I gotta go to Beirut.
But let's talk when I get back.

Or not talk! Whatever's good for you.

I'll wait for your call! I believe in us!

She's a terrible negotiator.

No wonder that guy got shot.

-[military drumbeat playing]
-[all] Good morning, Kendra!

[kids cheering]

[powering down]

-[ominous music playing]
-[sighs]

[robotic voice] BananaFingers.

-[gasps] Oh!
-[mystical music playing]

Oh my God, desk chairs?
What is this, fourth grade?

My parents are getting divorced,
I wet my pants and everybody laughs at me?

Hey, Noah Wapner. Wharton '06.

Lily Cardigan. Booth '04.

Devin Whiteley. Stern '05.

Kendra Hooper.

Okay, good luck.

Hello, everyone!

You're all here because
you have the potential to succeed.

But I'll tell you right now,
most of you will not.

If we haven't met, my name's Veronica.

If you make it through my program,
you'll be set for life at this company.

But stay on my good side,

because I can send you packing
if you even look at me funny.

Okay. My lawyer's indicating that I cannot
send you packing for looking at me funny.

But still, don't look at me funny.

Just, like, as a favor to me, okay? Yeah?

Let's get into it.
What do all 365 days have in common?

Every day is someone's birthday!

[all laughing]

[Veronica] So cute!

Every day is a new opportunity
to monetize, maximize, and optimize.

Monetize, maximize, optimize.

Hey, Keyonna, I wouldn't worry about that.

They always bring in
one trainee from the floor for optics.

It's like an affirmative action thing.

This is as far as you'll get,
but you should still be so proud.

My name is Kendra.

Okay, Kendra.

You smell like pepperoni.

Oh.

Mm. Mm-hm.

[funky music playing]

And I really did have pizza in my pocket!

Oh, that is inopportune.

I don't know
if I'm cut out for management.

Maybe being on the floor is my ceiling?

Kendra, I came home for the summer
to be g*y in San Francisco,

not to build your pathetic a*s back up.

David! Please!

Fine. Let's start with this.

You tell them B-school D-bags
that they got you twisted.

We from Oakland, baby!
We don't play! Ain't that right, Saul?

Yes, yes. They've got her very twisted.

You gotta toughen up.
What did Dad always say?

"You're my favorite,
I love you more than David"?

No! You gotta be twice as good
to get half as much.

Except, you gonna be twice as good
and get twice as much.

Yes! Oh, I smell like pizza, Noah?

You look like pizza,
old crater-faced b*tch! Gotcha!

-Okay, yes, but do not say that.
-Oh, I know.

[David] You gotta hold on to that anger.

Put that anger in a pot.

Cut up some carrots and celery
and get a little angry stew going.

Slow cook that anger now.

Keep it on the back burner.
Get it good and ready.

You better keep the lid on tight!

Can I lift the lid for a second?
Get a taste? Get focused?

-Girl, don't you touch that lid.
-Damn! Can I get a sniff?

Don't you lift that lid off that anger
while it cooks! Okay?

-Ha! It's ready.
-[sniffs]

[screaming]

-[dance music playing]
-♪ It's a party ♪

♪ It's party time ♪

♪ At BJ BananaFingers
We party all the time ♪

♪ Having fun that never ends
We could be your very best friends ♪

[robotic voice] Good morning, Kendra.

The six tenets of business are…

♪ Everybody movin', and everybody groovin'
That's the BJ BananaFingers way ♪

♪ So make a wish and be yourself
It's your birthday ♪

-The ten principles of management are…
-[dinging]

The 700 maxims of power are…

[sniffing]

[dance music starts distorting]

[both straining]

-[straining continues]
-[music cuts out]

I haven't even asked a question.

But I have the answer!

There were ten in the class,
now there's six. They can't get rid of me.

-I'm like Sanjaya.
-Cool.

-Anyway, I also had a great summer--
-Lorena thinks she knows what's up,

but she doesn't understand basic P&L.
That's bush league, Lorena!

-Okay, meanwhile--
-Is there a bee?

I'm going back to school, so maybe
we can focus on my goodbye dinner.

-No doubt, David. Tonight's all about you.
-Thank you.

I hear a buzzing bee.

-Are you hearing that?
-No.

It's okay.
No bee's gonna throw me off my game.

Gotta think harder. Work smarter.
Optimize. Jazzercise. Bette Davis eyes.

Kendra, sweetheart, you work at an arcade.

-A premium family fun experience center.
-You're taking this too seriously.

I know I'm not getting career advice

from the guy who took a year off college
to work at a Gap.

I took a "gap" year.

I did not work at a Gap.
I was volunteering in Honduras.

So I misremembered. Banana Republic.

-You'll burn yourself out.
-You don't hear buzzing? Like thunder.

You better find some balance.
You need a hobby,

-or church or something.
-Church?

They're not all like Mom's church.

I found a progressive one.

Our Jesus is mixed race,
q*eer, and died of old age.

-What?
-It's something to believe in. Okay?

I believe in BJ BananaFingers.

Huh!

-Bee.
-[muffled buzzing]

[military drumbeat playing]

Pull it together, girl. Come on, Kendra.

Hoo-ah. Brrr.

Hey, boss. Everything okay?

I'm better than okay. I'm pumped.

I'm stoked. Today is Brad's birthday.

What a beautiful day to be alive.

It's Chad's birthday?

You think I don't know that?
"Brad" is my nickname for Chad.

I just wanted
to circle back about the cake?

Oh my God, Monica! Every little…

My brain is already five birthdays ahead,
and you want to circle back about a cake?

Why don't you buzz around somebody else
for a change, you buzzy, buzzy bee?

What the heck? This isn't a future cake.

Actually, Chad, this cake is
the most futuristic of all.

It represents true unknown,
because the future is what you make of it.

[gasping]

What?

Kendra, what happened at Chad's birthday?

Monica dropped the ball,
but I talked to her.

-Won't happen again.
-Hey. I'm rooting for you.

I came up from the floor just like you,
and I love seeing us win,

but I need someone who can do both jobs.
I need you to be a k*ller.

Of course! I'm a tiger shark,

a land k*ller and a sea k*ller
combined in one.

Uh-huh. We're making
our final selection soon.

Stay on top of things.

-I'm on top! I'm on top like RoboCop!
-[phone ringing]

Never stop! Chop, chop, chop!
Snap! Crackle! Pop!

Your phone is ringing.

This better not be important!

-[David] Dad had a heart attack.
-[gasping]

It's not important.

Your father is stable for now.

-We'll know more when he wakes up.
-Ugh.

-And when will that be?
-I don't know. I'll ask.

Hey, do you know
when you're gonna wake up?

He doesn't know.

Dad! You gotta wake up.
I got a lot on my plate.

I need to know your crappy heart works
so I can get out of here.

Just wake up! I know you're going to,
so just do it now so I can go to work!

Wake up! Argh!

-Clear! [yelling]
-No.

So, Asif's party isn't until 2:00 p.m.

I'll be there, but just in case,
here are my instructions.

Where are all the doctors?
Someone needs to wake him up.

We're understaffed. Today's Rosh Hashanah.

-What the hell's a Rosha-sha-sha?
-It's the Jewish New Year.

New Year? It is September.

Do I look like Boo-Boo the Fool?
Or one of your little friends?

Or your little friend Boo-Boo the Fool?
I'm about to sue this whole hospital.

Good luck finding a lawyer today.

So you conveniently leave town
right before this heart attack?

I'm starting to feel set up, David.

Yes, I gave our father
a high-cholesterol diet,

decades of career stress,
and the occasional post-scotch scotch

so his heart would explode,

and then I conveniently
went back to college as a goof.

g*y old Jesus Christ, David!

[phone buzzing]

[moaning]

It was just a panic attack.
Is all this necessary?

If I get fired, I'll win the lottery
and buy this hospital.

Time to go night-night.

-Then we'll see who's doing the firing.
-There you go, honey.

Pew, pew.

[snoring]

[groans softly]

[man] What the hell is this?

I'm supposed to have a private room!
Nurse! Nurse!

Dad? You're awake?

Kendra, what are you doing here?

I'm supposed to have a private room!

I'm good, Dad. It was just a panic attack.
How are you feeling?

Oh fine. This ain't my first heart attack.

Dad, you've got to slow down.
You're going to k*ll yourself.

Six unsuccessful heart attacks
say otherwise, baby.

Six heart attacks is not good!

No? Let me tell you
what six heart attacks got you.

-I know, Dad.
-They got you the best education.

They got you vacations
in Turks and Caicos.

They got you
a BJ BananaFingers birthday every year

while your friends smacked
street piñatas with whiffle bats.

[both] My heart attacks
are a source of pride.

Not a person on this Earth
is getting out alive,

but how many can say they pushed
themselves to the limit? [coughs]

Dad, just say, "Thank you,
Kendra, for being here for me."

Why? You're not a doctor or a nurse.
You can't help me.

When I need a race car birthday,
I'll let you know.

[phone buzzing]

-[Kendra] Ugh.
-[ominous music playing]

[Dad snoring]

Um…

Oh, uh…

Rosh Hashanah!

-What?
-Rosh Hashanah!

That's why I couldn't
come to work yesterday.

Jewish New Year.

Wait, you're Jewish?

-How are you Jewish?
-Delightfully?

But… You're Jewish! Of course.

Good. We love the Jews! [chuckles]

Oh, um, we feel neutral about the Jews.

Hope your holiday was
reflective and meaningful

and that you came up with a lot of ideas
about how to save our company money.

Not because you're Jewish.

Secular money-saving ideas.

You got it!

[panting, exhales deeply]

-Jewish, huh?
-Yep!

Fantastic. What shul do you go to?

Um, I'm between shuls right now.

Okay.

What kind of Jewish?
Reform, Conservative, Reconstructionist?

I'm a bit of all those things.

I'm like a KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut
of Jewish.

But who are your people?
Ashkenazi? Sephardic?

Obviously Ashkenazi!

-Litvak or Galitzianer?
-Clearly Litvak.

Like Litvak from Vilna
or Litvak from Vitebsk?

-What do you think?
-I'm getting Vitebsk vibes.

Mel Brooks or Albert Brooks?

Why choose?

That settles it!

You're coming to my shul for Yom Kippur.
I have an extra $400 ticket.

Oh, I couldn't.

-You couldn't come to shul on Yom Kippur?
-[tense music]

-I mean…
-You are Jewish, right?

You didn't just say that
to keep your job and stay in the program?

Because if you did…

I'll see you there!

There's an ATM across the street,
so pay me back whenever.

[rock music playing]

"Along with his sons
Ruben, Levi, Judah, Zebulun…"

Zebulun? What kind of Jedi-a*s name is…

[sighs]

Ooh. Pensions and severance!
"Vested BJ Banana Buddies are entitled--"

-[phone ringing]
-Ah!

[sniffs, coughs]

Go! Talk! Now!

Honey, are you okay?

I'm doing great!
I just gotta really know my stuff.

I think this one guy is on to me.
He's real sneaky like that.

I'm not saying that because he's Jewish!

-I didn't know he was.
-There's a lot you don't know.

-What're they teaching you at school?
-Not who's Jewish.

Now that we're talking about you,
I'd love to chat,

but I got a hot date
and I need to get ready. Bye!

I gotta tell you,
your picture does not do you justice.

And it is a good picture!

Yeah. Hey, explain to me…

I don't understand the fence
around the Torah. Is it physical or…

Whoa, okay. I'm a rabbi as a job,

but I don't need to be a rabbi
all the time.

I also like movies. I like basketball.
I love the Warriors, for instance.

-The movie or the basketball team?
-Ah-ha!

I don't have time for this.
If you don't wanna talk Jew with me,

why are you trying
to meet people on JDate?

[sighs] The fence
around the Torah is a metaphor.

Follow a stricter observance
than the Torah commands

so you don't break a rule by mistake.

Okay, but why can't folks just actually
read the rules and then follow them?

This seems like too many people can't
handle simple instructions. Am I wrong?

I love your interrogative approach.
Where did you go to day school?

Oh, I'm not really Jewish.

I just wanted to get you here
so I could ask questions.

What is an afikoman, and how do I find it?

Well, you may be surprised,
but you not being Jewish

is not necessarily a deal-breaker for me.

Oh, I'm also a full-bore g*y.

Also not a deal-breaker.

I don't know how else to say it.
Who's got ideas?

Um, if we're willing to scale back
on the BJ BananaFingers experience…

Hate it! Hate you!
Get out of my life forever.

-I regret knowing you.
-[crying]

Yeah, cry about it.
You're lucky you're cute.

What? Oh, I can't say anything?

Um, I do have an idea
that could save us some money.

Our Jermaine Jellyfish has been
an employee of this franchise

for 30 years as of next week.

If she were to retire, she'd be entitled
to a pretty massive pension.

Unless…

we fired her before next week.

That's pretty cutthroat, Kendra.

It's not personal.
Sometimes you gotta be a k*ller.

I like it.

But we can't fire anyone without cause.

[ominous music playing]

[sighs]

Hey! Jermaine Jellyfish, just wanted to
tell you what a great job you're doing.

[sighs] No, wait.

I could just use
one of those hugs too, you know?

[groans]

[buzzing]

[screaming] Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ah! Ah! Wah!

[grunts] Oh my God, Jermaine Jellyfish,
what happened?

[mystical music playing]

This way! Come on. [giggling]

[gasps]

It's you.
The princess who saved my birthday.

I didn't know
you still worked here all this time.

You have no idea what that meant to me.

For the first time in my life,
somebody saw me.

Oh.

-That's nice.
-Yeah.

[dark music playing]

But, unfortunately, it's company policy
that costumed characters

cannot remove any part of their costume
while on the floor.

What? But I--

So you're fired. Effective immediately.

-No!
-I'm so sorry. I don't make the rules.

-You don't have to do this.
-It's gonna be okay.

-You'll be okay.
-I won't be okay.

You don't have to do this!
I don't have anything except this job

and a few hundred shares of stock
in something called Lululemon.

You're making a scene,
and not a fun scene.

Gather your things.
Security will see you out.

[Jermaine crying]

-Back to work, everyone!
-[music fades out]

They all hate me.

You won't be on the floor
with them much longer anyway.

How about you and I get lunch tomorrow
to discuss your future at the company?

I can't tomorrow. It's Yom Kippur.

Oh, right. When you get back then.

Uh, Yom Kippur Tupac Shakur to you.

[congregation chanting in Hebrew]

Do you know if a guy named Noah is here?

There's probably, like, 50 Noahs in here.

These are the prayers of confession.
We're saying how we've sinned.

We have trespassed. We have betrayed.

I have trespassed. I have betrayed.

We have deceived. We have mocked.

I have deceived. I have mocked.

No, sweetie.

We. We have.

[crying softly]

We.

[chanting in Hebrew continues]

[music distorting]

[chanting continues, overlaid
with melancholy electronic music]

[music fades out]