01x09 - Honoring Naomi Schwartz

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music playing]

She bit someone? Hannah?

-With her mouth?
-He was fine.

-It happens all the time.
-Yeesh. Hannibal the Cannibal.

We're not calling her a cannibal.
She wanted to play by herself.

Can you blame her?

She never learned different because
you didn't give her brothers or sisters.

Yeah, I guess not, Mom.

You know, if I were the mother of
the Haim girls, I would be so proud.

I'm sorry, the what girls?

The Haim girls.
The sisters who are in a band.

-The band Haim?
-You know them?

Do you? You say "the Haim girls"
like they're a family at the shul.

They are Jewish.

I know, but they just go by Haim.

-Not, "I saw Mrs. Haim with the girls."
-It's nice that they make music together.

They're sisters
and they make a career as a family.

Mrs. Haim must be very proud.

Do you want me and Shira and Yoshi
to start a band? Is that what you're--

You don't play.
What would you be, the manager?

-Right.
-You did play piano for a bit,

-but you quit before you got good.
-Well, I was seven, so.

You wanna get good, you can't quit.

If I were a better mother,
maybe you'd understand that.

I'm sorry I quit piano when I was seven,

so I couldn't be in a band
with my brother and sister

so you'd be proud of us
like the mother of the girls in Haim?

"Of course I'm proud of you anyway.
I'm proud of all of my children."

So if you know it, why should I say it?

["Long Story Short
Main Title Theme" playing]

[music ends]

I can't believe
I have to go to this party for my mom.

Everyone's gonna make these dumb speeches,
and she's gonna keep looking at me like,

"Did you hear that? Did you hear
how much people like me?"

"How come you don't like me like that?
You're a bad daughter, that's why."

Oh! Keep talking about your mom.
That's super hot for me.

Sorry. Forget about my mom.

-[Naomi] Shira! Why is your door locked?
-Oh.

-Coming!
-We don't lock doors in this house.

-What if there was a boy in here?
-Sorry, Ms. Schwartz.

Not your fault, Baby.

We love having you over.
I always wanted more girls.

When you're here, it's like Little Women!

Little Women is four women.

Well, with your extra personalities,
it's like eight women.

Mom, what do you want?

Pick up your brother from the airport.
Take your other brother with you.

Here's your dress from the dry cleaners.

Try not to stain it
between now and tonight.

-You're messy because you take big bites.
-Okay, Mom. Thank you.

-Your feedback's appreciated. Bye.
-You're using a spoon, not shoveling coal.

[groaning]

I like you in a dress.

"You look pretty when you try, Shira."

-Oh my God, stop.
-[laughing]

You do look pretty, though.

Oh. Mmm.

I can't believe your parents
are doing this same night as prom.

I mean, it's not like
we'd go to prom anyway though, right?

-Right.
-Oh my God, the theme? Barf.

-They're trying to be respectful.
-"A night to never forget,

and never forget 9/11."

-Could you imagine going to that?
-Yeah, I've imagined it.

I was gonna tell you,
I think I'm going to go to that.

-What? But you can't.
-To see how lame it is.

You're going to my mom's thing.

So the thing is,
I guess I'm not going to your mom's thing?

Why would you want to go to prom?

Most people wanna go to prom.
I think that's kind of normal.

Yeah, but you and I aren't normal.

I'm kind of normal.

Besides, if we don't go,
the t*rrorists win.

Uh…

Is it weird that we haven't talked about…

-I don't think it's weird.
-Okay, but what are we?

Are we having a conversation right now?

-No.
-Because I think what's so cool about us

-is that we don't have conversations.
-Of course. Just--

-But if you really want that…
-I don't if it--

Just wait until after prom.

I don't wanna have
a rough conversation before prom--

Why will the conversation be rough?

…a night I'll never forget,
while also never forgetting 9/11.

Sure, yeah, that's all really cool.

Baby, we love you,
but it's not a youth hostel.

Shira, airport, now.

[tires screeching]

Why is the JCC
even doing this thing for Mom?

Because they think Mom is a big deal!

No, it's because they think
Mom has rich friends

-who'll pay a lot for a cheap dinner.
-Maybe it's both.

Think it's gonna be weird for Mom

to be the center of attention
for once in her life?

I don't know how she'll pull focus
to make things about her

when the evening is already all about her.

I'm sure Mom will rise to the occasion.

I can't believe
she made me fly in for this.

I'm gonna miss my class
on subjective idealism.

If I'm not there, it doesn't exist.

-I'm missing prom.
-You wanna go to prom?

-I could! You don't know.
-[horn honking]

[tires screeching]

I just hope everyone isn't still mad at me
about the Passover candy.

-The what?
-Oh gosh, you didn't hear?

-It was all anyone could talk about.
-[mystical music playing]

I took Passover candy orders
for youth group

because I wanted to win this ball-in-cup.

Sold candy to every Jew
in Mountain View and beyond.

But then, the candy, it came late.

I'm laughing it up with my ball-in-cup.

Everyone's calling Mom and Dad,
"Hey, where's my candy?"

"Tell Yoshi I didn't get my candy."
I'm just a salesman,

I'm not in charge of distribution!

Yoshi, no one cares about that.

Well, it was a whole thing.

Guys, what are we doing tonight
for our speech?

You're the writer. You have ideas.

I'm not a writer. I have a blog,
which I barely even update.

You'd know if you read
Schwoop, There It Is.

What if we did a Mad Libs toast?

We did one for Danny
at his 10th birthday, and it k*lled.

Yeah, I don't know. This event
might have a more discerning crowd.

-Let's do it. It'll be easy.
-Know what? You had me at easy.

[classy jazz music playing]

Oh, there's a giant picture of me.

I'm mortified, but also very honored.

And look at that beautiful banner!

It's too much,
but if it helps raise money…

And the lighting is just a little off.

Uh-oh, Mom's personality is starting.

I'm going to go get ready backstage.

Cousin Moishe's not gonna
be here tonight, is he?

-I think he might be.
-[chuckling]

Is he gonna say anything crazy?

You never know with Cousin Moishe.

Is that little Yoshi?

Hi, Uncle Barry.

I flew from Las Vegas, Nevada
to see you specifically.

-Oh.
-And I see you've arrived on time,

and not two weeks late
like my Passover candy.

Oh, you remember.

[Barry] Picture it.

I get invited to the Cohens. The Cohens!

So I say, "Marvin, Kathleen,
I will bring the candy."

Oh no.

Kathleen says,
"But I'm making a flourless torte."

I tell Kathleen, "Forget your torte!
I'm going to have candy."

Oh, you shouldn't
have said that to Kathleen.

Now, imagine me, the fool,
waiting around for this candy.

I say to the Cohens, "Don't worry.
Yoshi's going to bring us candy."

I wait. It's 3:00, 4:00.

-No candy!
-[gulps]

-5:00, 6:00!
-No candy?

-No candy.
-Oh no.

-You made me a liar to the Cohens, Yoshi.
-I'm so sorry.

And then, two weeks later, it arrives.

You brought it from Las Vegas?

What else should I do?
Eat it when it's not Passover?

Why don't you eat it?

-[gulping]
-[upbeat big band music playing]

We'll finish this conversation later.

There's more?

[music ends]

Welcome, welcome, everyone.

We are here tonight to honor
my incredible wife, Naomi Schwartz,

for her 20 years of service to the JCC.

I was very nervous about hosting tonight.

Anyone who's ever had to do something
for Naomi can relate to this feeling.

I'd better not screw this up.

-Ha! No, you better not.
-[all laughing]

Why are people laughing?
This is like a hostage video.

But the good news is I have help.

Please welcome Cousin Moishe.

Oh my God. Cousin Moishe's here?

I can't believe he brought Cousin Moishe.

Woof, ugly crowd.

Moishe, you can't say that.

What? Is that not kosher?

[laughing] He's from the old country.

Tonight, we're celebrating Naomi and
raising money for a new computer lab.

So dig deep…

As deep as his hand is in my tuchus.

-[audience laughing]
-Moishe, there are children here.

And now our children would like to
start off the evening with a little toast.

-Let's give them a hand.
-[crowd applauding]

Ow, ow, oy, my punim.

When we were asked
to give a toast for Mom, we thought,

"What could we possibly say
that wouldn't embarrass her?"

You can embarrass me a little. It's okay.

Luckily for us,
we have the Toast-O-Matic 9000.

Beep, boop, beep, boop.

Okay, so first I need a noun.

-Stegosaurus.
-Beep, boop.

-Verb.
-Discombobulate.

"Weird Al" Yankovic.

Pineapple. Surf. Fart!

[robotic voice] Inserting
"fart" into database.

Okay, we're gonna let
the Toast-O-Matic 9000

process these inputs,

and we'll come back with the results
at the end of the night.

Ooh. I can't wait
to hear how that turns out.

Eh, tell me about it.

I haven't been this excited since
I wound up in the washing machine

with Naomi's brassiere.

Moishe!

What? Is that not kosher?

[crowd applauding]

What is this voice?
It's like Shtetl Dracula.

Next up is Karen Getelman,
and she organized this entire evening.

So let's give her a round of applause.

Thank you, everyone.
I'm a bit nervous about tonight.

You're doing great so far. A-minus.

Whenever I have a question about
how to do something, I always ask,

"What would Naomi do?"

-You don't have to ask, she tells you.
-[chuckles]

Naomi is all about the details.

Anyone who's been to her house knows
you better not forget to use a coaster.

We've all heard the story about
the Avi stain on the coffee table.

[all laughing, applauding]

Even more impressive,

Naomi got the furniture store
to replace that table.

If only she could help me
return my mother-in-law.

[chuckling] I'm kidding, Joanna.

Oh. [laughing]

So Mom harassed a store
into replacing a table, that's the lesson?

Well, Avi, you gotta be assertive
to get what you want.

[bell dings]

You gotta be assertive
to get what you want.

Well, I think it's a nice story. Ah! No!

[growling softly]

[mystical music playing]

[crowd applauding]

What the heck?

That's my Naomi.
She does not take no for an answer.

She certainly didn't with me,
if you catch my drift.

-Moishe!
-What, is that…

[all] Not kosher?!

"Didn't take no for an answer"?
What is Cousin Moishe's "drift"?

-I'm going to prom.
-Going to prom?

To not take no for an answer.
The puppet's right.

No, you can't leave.

Who am I going to make
my bitchy little comments to?

Ugh. Can you believe that, Yoshi?
[scoffs] Yoshi?

[suspenseful music playing]

[growling softly]

[groans]

[exhales]

Ah! Stop it! No! No! Who is this?

It's me, man.

Danny?! I think my Uncle Barry
is going to disappear me or something.

Dude, you gotta relax.

Look what I stole from the bar.

Whoa.

I got Tchardonnee, Merlotte, Peanut Grego!

-Hope you're not allergic to peanuts!
-No, I can have legumes.

All right! Let's crack open a cold one!

That's what my dad says every morning.

-Nice.
-Wow, it's really in there.

[straining]

All right, let's keep the night moving.

It was moving fine
until you started yapping again.

I haven't seen a crowd this dead
since the pogrom at my wedding.

Moishe, please.

Hey, you're not, um…
You're not carding, are you?

Well, clearly I don't need to because
no one under 21 would ask me like that.

Wait a minute.
Are you the Toast-O-Matic 9000?

Beep-boop, I am.

The Mad Libs. Always kills.

-[chuckles] Seen it before?
-I work a lot of these events.

Always someone who quotes the dictionary,

someone who tells a story
that's way too sexual for the room.

You could honestly play bingo
with the speeches.

Wanna play bingo with the speeches?

Maybe. What do I win?

I, uh… I can make you a mix CD.

I'm kind of a music guy, you know.
I, um, I do a blog, so.

Ooh, a blog. Well, if you win,
I'll make you the best drink of your life.

You are 21, right?

When you get to be my age,
you stop keeping track.

Mmm.

Welcome to the stage Mr. Trank Johnson.

Okay, I think this guy
is going to burst into song.

I met Naomi in prison doing art therapy
with the Big Mommy/Little Son program.

I was part of a white power g*ng
at the time,

but that didn't stop Mommy Naomi
from encouraging my work with pastels.

Is "Mom encouraged a skinhead"
one of your speech cliches?

If it happens one more time,
I'll add it to the list.

Naomi saw the good in me,
even when I didn't.

So to honor her,

I got my old swastika tattoo covered
with something even better.

[all gasping]

Oh my God. Trank, you didn't!

That is a big tattoo…

of your mom's face.

Ah, that's a shame.

Now he can't be buried
in a Jewish cemetery.

♪ Naomi, you are my angel ♪

Whoa, I was right.
Bet you didn't see that coming.

I can't live down a stain,
but she sees the good in a n*zi?

So you did "n*zi" that coming?

["Butterfly" by Crazy Town playing]

Baby, I'm sorry. I was weird.

But, like, I can be normal.

And I think it'd be cool

if instead of just being friends,
we were, like, friends.

Because I feel things about you,
and you feel them about me.

When we feel things this strongly,
we should not take "no" for an answer.

♪ Come, my lady, come-come, my lady
You're my butterfly, sugar baby ♪

Okay.

♪ Come, my lady, come-come, my lady
You're my butterfly, sugar baby ♪

What? No.

What?

No.

No, no. No!

-No, no!
-Huh?

[grunting]

[grunting]

-Oh no.
-[camera clicks]

Ow!

Oh, this is a sad day for America.

[sobbing] Naomi introduced me
to my husband.

[sobbing] Naomi gave me
the confidence to leave my husband!

[speaking Norwegian] Jeg er
så glad i deg, Naomi.

Jeg elsker deg så høyt!

-What'd she say?
-I don't know.

You don't know Norwegian?

I neither know Norwegian
nor knew my mother knows Norwegian.

[laughing uproariously]

[straining]

What are you doing?

-You're making it worse. Stop flailing.
-Stop kissing Justin Durango.

[Baby grunts]

It's none of your business
who I'm kissing.

We agreed there were no rules.

But the unspoken rule was that
we wouldn't betray each other.

I'm not betraying you.

-No?
-No rules!

Okay, 'cause we've been best friends
for, like, all my life.

We hook up, and when
we're not hooking up, we're spooning,

your hair in my face, the scent of
your Glow by Jennifer Lopez perfume.

-What does that have to--
-Never mind.

I thought we were friends.

We are friends.
And I'm also friends with Justin Durango.

-And sometimes I kiss him.
-Sometimes?

Yeah, like sometimes I kiss you.
I like to kiss people. It's fun.

What does Justin Durango have
that I don't?

Nothing! That's the point!

There's nothing going on up here,

so we don't have to have
conversations like this.

Besides, it's not like you and I
could ever really be together anyway.

Why not?

Our lives are changing. I'm changing.

Even the Little Women grew up
and moved on from each other.

Maybe it's like that.
You're Jo, and I'm Meg.

Ah. Ugh!

Oh my God, you think you're Meg?

Of the Little Women?
Yeah, I'm probably Meg.

You're obviously Amy.

Amy? Why am I Amy?
Do you even know me at all?

Do you know you at all?
What are we even talking about?

Well, if I'm Amy, then you're Beth.

Beth? You already said I'm Jo.

Changed my mind, you're being
a whiny little Beth right now.

You're saying that
'cause I said you're Amy.

Which honestly is such an Amy move.

And besides, how do you not understand
that Amy is better than Meg?

Why would you want to be Meg?

Fine! Who cares? I don't care!

[gasping]

Tonight is not about me and you, okay?

I don't know how you take prom,

which is supposed to be about all of us,
as well as the victims of 9/11,

and somehow make it all about yourself.

Classic Shira.

You know what? This is done.

No, it's not.
Because this was never anything.

[all laughing]

-Ah!
-[all grumbling]

[growling]

[orchestral music playing]

And now we have a video message from
Naomi's big sisters, Susan and Carol.

Sisters? Oh, so now there's three women
who are too good for you.

Now you're gonna hear
about the real Naomi Schwartz.

No way they'll be nice.

Hi, Naomi. We have to keep it short.

We don't know how
to change the battery on this.

Told you look at the manual.

For this I drove to Teaneck
to get berated by my little sister.

-It wasn't for the weather.
-"Berated," she says.

This is berating, I guess,
if you live in Woodstock!

Can we please get it together, for Naomi?

Naomi, we only know you
as our baby sister,

but you are actually the big sister
to this whole community.

-Oh my God, I'm gonna cry.
-Even though we'll always see you

-as our little noodge…
-Stop it.

…we are so proud. What is the blinking?

I told you, it's the batter--

-[static buzzes]
-[crowd applauding]

Why not do a second take?

I guess even your mean aunts
like your mom.

Seems the only one
who doesn't like her is you.

I swear! That's the first time
they've ever been nice.

It worked!

I knew smashing it in the sink
would get the wine out!

That's why they call it "getting smashed."

Danny, I'm not sure about this.
There is a lot of broken glass.

-[pounding on door]
-Someone's in here!

-[Barry] Yoshi, is that you?
-Uh…

[bad Scottish accent] Argh, no!
It's me, Shrek. I'm with me donkey friend.

Quick, do the Donkey voice.

Uh…

[Barry] Gah! Son of a…

Oh gosh, all right. Danny,
give me some of that liquid courage.

I know what I have to do.

Naomi was my social worker
when I was in high school.

She was transferring me
from my parents' house to a foster home.

I told her I wasn't ready to go in yet,
so she took me to McDonald's.

And we just talked.
Actually, I talked. She just listened.

Just listened? Mom?

And when all the food was gone
and there was nothing left to say,

Naomi just sat in the car with me
until I was ready.

And now I'm studying music at Juilliard.
Naomi told me not to miss class for this,

but I said, "No way,
you mean too much to me."

Wow, that's crazy, because
she made me miss class for this.

-Juilliard, there it is.
-Huh?

[chuckles] Oh yeah.

So, what's going to be on my mix CD?

Oh, I don't know. Sorry, I just…

I can't believe she did all that stuff.

Sounds like an incredible mom.

She does sound like one.
I just got a different version of her.

Speaking of sounds,
what do you listen to?

-Why didn't I get that Mom?
-Okay, so we're still…

How come all these people did but not me?

[Naomi] Oh no. No, no, no.

Yeah, I don't know, man.

[somber music playing]

Before I bring my kids back up,
I would like to say a few words.

Naomi, you are the spark of my world.

Knowing you has made me better.

So, Juilliard?

I started playing piano at seven.

-I never gave up.
-Hmm.

As the black ribbon of time
unspools before us…

-We get it, you love her, all right.
-[all laughing]

Gee, I wish I loved my wife that much.

[high-pitched] What did you say?

Miriam? I thought you was in the shower.

Oh my God, it's Cousin Miriam!

I'll show you what's not kosher!

Take this and this!

What happened to you?

I don't know, I was stressed, 'cause
Uncle Barry was, like, up my a*s.

But Danny was like, "Hey, man."
And I was like, "Cool."

Yeesh. You got to sober up, buddy.
Why don't you eat something?

Oh, I ate something, all right.

-Okay, and what happened to you?
-We don't have to talk about it.

I don't need to make everything about me.
Tonight's about Mom.

Kids, why don't you come back up here?

[clears throat] Hello again, everyone.
Beep-bop-boop-bop.

Uh, it's interesting to hear
what Naomi is to so many people,

because to us, she's just Mom.

But I guess to other people,
she's some kind of "'Weird Al' Yankovic."

I just wish everyone
could have a "stegosaurus"

like the one I heard about tonight.

One who supports and encourages and

"discombobulates."

She really gives people
a lot of "pineapples,"

which is surprising, because
we don't have a lot of pineapples at home.

It really makes you, um…

-"surf."
-[all chuckling]

Anyway, I guess
what I'm trying to say is, we…

"fart" you, Mom.

-[crowd laughing, applauding]
-[sobbing]

Oh, sweetheart.

And I have an announcement.

I ate the Passover candies.

I did it in the bathroom,
and they were bad.

Now I'm even with all of you.

[clapping slowly]

[Naomi] Okay.

Thank you for all those beautiful words.
Thank you all.

I can't tell you what this means to me,
and to the JCC.

And thank you
to Cousin Moishe for hosting.

You look so handsome on stage.

[crowd chanting] Kiss!

I couldn't. He's married!

Come here, Naomi. Give me a big smooch.

Moishe, enough!

That is my wife,
and you will not disrespect her.

Oh! [impressed chuckling]

You know, kids,
there were a lot of nice things tonight,

but my favorite was the toast you gave.

It was so clever and creative,

and I love that you all did it together.

Why would Mom say that?

Ours was clearly the worst of all of them.

I thought we did okay.

You weren't there.

There were so many people
who really know Mom and love her,

and meanwhile, we're doing our shtick

like an emotionally constipated
Yakko, Wakko, and Dot.

-Okay, Wakko. Well--
-Obviously, I'm Yakko.

She's probably just
trying to make us feel guilty.

We should have said the thing
that's her favorite.

But instead, we threw together
this half-assed routine

that made it seem like
we don't even know her at all.

Maybe we don't know her.

Well, whose fault is that?
We know the Naomi that she is with us.

Maybe we're right and they're wrong.

Guys, guys, guys.
Guys, you guys. You guys.

She said she loved it.

Why do you gotta turn it
into a whole 'vestigation?

We're funny. "Stegosaurus."

Ha! Great stuff.

You think that because you're 11
and drunk right now,

-but one day--
-I deserve more credit.

It was my idea to do the Mad Libs.
Plus, I'm the one who came up with "fart."

[chuckles] Good night.

[sighs]

[shouting in bad Scottish accent]
Oh! Donkey, I'm gonna Shrek!

-[Shira] All right, here we go.
-[Avi] Oh my God.

-Yoshi, are you okay?
-[retching]

-[Shira] It's like a rainbow.
-Oh.

[Yoshi] Why did I eat all that candy?

Should we--

Elliott, they're
taking care of each other.

-It's wonderful.
-[Shira] Careful.

Let's go to bed.

And bring Cousin Moishe. He can watch.

["Jerusalem" by Dan Bern playing]

♪ When I tell you that I love you
Don't test my love ♪

♪ Accept my love
Don't test my love ♪

♪ 'Cause maybe I don't love you
All that much ♪

♪ Don't ask what kind of music
I'm gonna play tonight ♪

♪ Just stay awhile
Hear for yourself awhile ♪

♪ And if you must put me in a box
Make sure it's a big box ♪

♪ With lots of windows
And a door to walk through ♪

♪ And a nice high chimney ♪

♪ So we can burn burn burn
Everything that we don't like ♪

♪ And watch the ashes
Fly up to Heaven ♪

♪ Maybe all the way to India
I'd like that ♪

[music fades out]