02x07 - Magic for Beginners

[bunniefuu]

I'm thinking we continue
this conversation another time.

- At night? Over dinner?
- I was thinking the same thing.

How about, um, Sunday?

Ooh, I made the weekend lineup.

- It's a date.
- See you then.

- How'd you land Linda Hobbs?
- I turned on the Wallace charm

and she thinks being
seen with a dweeb will

- make her ex-boyfriend jealous.
- You have no pride.

Which brings me my next
question-- loan me 30 bucks.

You still owe me
from the fifth grade.

h*-h* money doesn't
count. Come on.

Why ask me? Ask Lisa.

- I can't. I already owe her 7,000.
- For what?

You think this hair styles itself?

Here's a thought--
why not earn the money.

I do earn the money.
Look. I'm groveling.

I'm pleading. It's not that easy.

Or trying winning the money.

Talent shows are for feebs.

- First prize is 200 bucks.
- I'm in.

What can you do?

I can drink soup
through my nose.

- Anything else?
- I can trick belch.

Shave my back without a mirror.

Edwin Mueller tried
that last year.

- It wasn't pretty.
- Who am I kidding?

My talents are freak talents.
I suck at everything else.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
I like your talents.

- Come on, belch my name.
- For 30 bucks.

Maybe you need a partner.
We could team up.

- I've got a special talent.
- Great.

I'll crab walk, you name
the state capitals.

Nope. I'm talking about
my other special talent.

Ladies and gentlemen!
I am the amazing Wyatt!

Master of the endless hanky.

Abracadabra!

Sleight of hand, you say?

An illusion, you ask?

No.

- Magic.
- Make him stop.

You there, good sir.

Care to pull my ring?

- Care to pull my finger?
- Come on, Gar. Play along.

Forget it. This is seriously lame.

What did you think?

I liked the music.

CHETT: Yoo-hoo, little brother!

[ Sucking Sound ]

Well, if it isn't
the incredible wimpini.

I love this act.
Weren't the hankies amazing?

- I can't get enough.
- Chett, we're busy.

Want to see some
real magic, Wallace?

Watch this.

Nothing here.

Nothing here.

# Ta-da da-da-da-da-da-da #
# Ta-da da-da-da-da #

Ta-da!

Disappearing allowance.

How does he do it?

Sure, you give him money.

- So, did I miss anything?
- Yeah.

- The show actually picked up there.
- You're kidding?

Wyatt, I hate to break it to
you but magic is for losers.

Wyatt, why don't you
try some of these

- really cool tricks in the back.
- Yeah, like "The Floating Skull."

- Or "The Yodeling Skull."
- There's a reason

they're in the
back of the book.

- It takes years to master them.
- Well, I know some magic.

- Maybe I can help.
- Hey, that's it!

If I had real magic powers
I could win the talent show.

Wait. That's Lisa-magic.
That doesn't require talent.

- I beg your pardon.
- Wyatt, I don't have any real talent.

Let me use Lisa. Would you
rather I snort soup?

Fine, but you'll never know
the satisfaction of

pulling a quarter out
of a young child's ear.

- I'll get over it. Lisa?
- Okey-dokey.

- [ Electric Volts Sizzling ]
- Ooh!

I feel all... tingly.

That's because you
now have magical powers.

All you have to do is look
up the right magic word

and you can do any
trick in the book.

Cool. Where should I start?

- What about this one?
- Now, that's magic!

Shalacazam!

Hey, man, watch the hair.

- [ Laughs ]
- I think I found my talent.

[ Playing Off-Key ]

[ Horn Honks ]

[ Cymbals Crash ]

These tricks are awesome.
There's no way I can lose!

We. No way we can lose.
We're a team, remember.

Right. Sure I can't talk you
out of doing those kiddie tricks?

They're not kiddie tricks,
they're classics.

Look, you worry about
you half of the show.

I'll worry about mine.
I may need some help.

What do I do?

Stand perfectly still and
let me cut your head off.

- Huh?
- Let me cut your head off.

- No!
- I say the magic word,

and your head's back
on good as new.

Be a bud. Let me cut
you head off, please?!

- Cut your own head off.
- Fine.

I don't need your stupid head.
I got something just as good.

That was certainly
a spirited tribute.

I'm sure the beatles
would be proud.

And next we have
a team of magicians:

Wyatt Donnelly
and Gary Wallace.

I don't know if you're aware,

but I'm somewhat of
a magic buff myself.

Stop by the office and
I'll show you

my collection of
Siegfried an Roy videos.

- Okey-doke.
- Whatever.

Okay, you go first,
and knock 'em dead.

[ Russian Folk Music Playing ]

I call my first trick
"The Dancing Napkin."

Dance, napkin, dance!

Thank you!

And for my next trick,
I need a shoe--

- any kind of shoe.
- Ladies and gentlemen...

The amazing Wyatt!

Now, sit back,
take a deep breath

and prepare to be blown away.

Wienie... stick.

Wienie roast!

Alla-sheem-ballah!

Oops.

[ Everyone Yelling ]

That was quite a little trick.
Perhaps for an encore

you can convince me
not to expel you.

I don't understand it.

You singe a few eyebrows,
everyone's on your case.

I'm sorry you're
disqualified from the show.

We'll be lucky if we don't
get disqualified from school.

If I'd cut your head off,
this never would have happened.

- Come on, guys.
- Sorry.

It's not just the money.
I really wanted to win.

For the first time in my life,
I have a great talent!

- Cooking wienies with your breath?
- Better than dancing napkins.

Yeah? It's harder than it looks.

I don't care if you
make a pool cover dance.

- We had a shot, and we blew it.
- Maybe you need another shot.

Huh? What's with that?

- It's your second chance.
- I'm out.

- You can't bail on Gary.
- He's the one with magic powers.

- Why does he need me?
- Good question.

Don't break up the team.
You could be great together.

Gary may have the real
magic but you've got style

and showmanship.
It's what's you need.

Okay. I'm in. Wy?

Come on, man. This is my shot.

If I could be a winner just
one night I can live

with being a no-talent
dork the rest of my life.

- Okay... partners.
- Great.

- But no costumes.
- We got to have costumes!

- GARY: But no sequins.
- Just on the hats.

Done.

- Hey, where's the book?
- Don't need it.

Got it all in here.

[ Lukewarm Applause ]

[ Drum Roll ]

Ladies and gentlemen!
I am the amazing Wyatt!

And I am Gary,
the wicked awesome!

- [ Fanfare Playing ]
- Meet our lovely assistant Lisa!

- [ Drum Roll ]
- [ Fanfare Playing ]

[ Hooting and Hollering ]

Ours is not a
traditional magic act.

Before your eyes, you will
witness these spectacular

feats of prestidigitation
handed down through the ages.

All in just 30 seconds.

WYATT: First, Gary, the
wicked awesome will perform a

- stunning display of mind reading.
- Zoe-allah!

You hate Broccoli, Rayon and
your brother's second wife.

He's right!

Unbelievable.

Next, an astounding
demonstration of...

- hypnosis.
- Shinola!

- You're a duck!
- Quack! Quack!

Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!
Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!

- Amazing.
- Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!

Finally, a card trick...
with a twist!

Pardon me, ma'am. Is that
a royal flush up your nose?

Sim-sim-ballah-bim!

How does he do it?

Thank you.

You've been a great audience.

- But wait! There's more!
- There's more?

That's right--
"The Lightning Round."

- What are you doing?
- We're on a roll.

Go with me.
I say these magic words--

- Budda-bing!
- [ Audience Screams ]

Budda-bang!

Budda-boom!

Yo! back here!

Untoasted.

Gary Wallace!
That was quite a show.

It reminded me of siegfried
and Roy's "Rhinestone Tiger Tour."

- Principal Scampi.
- You act is really coming together.

It's stylish, provocative
and, uh...

No longer a fire hazard.
I've never seen

anyone perform "The Arabian
Swordsman" with such skill.

Thanks. You know
the swordman trick?

The magician's handbook,
page 417. You know

it take some people 20 years
to master that trick?

You must be some sort
of idiot savant.

What can I say?

I'm talented.

I'm throwing a
dinner party tonight.

I'd love to have you perform.

There'd be some money
in it for you.

Gee, I don't know. This is
sort of a one-shot deal.

I'd hate to suspend such
a promising young magician

but there was a great
deal of fire damage.

- What time?
- Be there around 9:30.

And, uh, lose the hat.

Got a minute, Svengali?

Look at this! We were great!

I particularly enjoyed
the surprise lightning round

when you whacked me in
half and made Lisa disappear.

- Come on, they loved it.
- Gary, you don't get it.

- Lisa's still gone.
- She is?

Yeah! Now say the magic
word that bring her back.

- Um... sure.
- You don't remember, do you?

Don't panic. It's in the book!

We'll go to your house
and look it up.

I hope it's that easy. I got
a bad feeling about this.

- [ Tearing Noises ]
- [ Thud ]

Don't just stand there.

Get a wheelbarrow.

Okay, it's clear.

[ Grunting ]

Ease up on the choke
hold, will you?

[ Groans ]

- [ Knocking ]
- Who's that?

It's me. Open the door.
I got to take a whiz.

- You're welcome.
- [ Sighs ]

Whew. Okay,
so where's the book?

- [ Knocking ]
- CHETT: Butt-lick.

You in there?

- What's up, Chett?
- I need new tires for my jeep.

That should do it.

Chett. That's a VCR.

As soon as I sell it
it will be 15 inches

of mud-gripping
quad-traction tire.

You got a problem with that?

No problem.

[ Toliet Flushing ]

Excuse me.

Okay. Here it is.

"The vanishing vixen.
To summon those once

banished from sight say
this word once into the night."

They sure don't make this easy.
Meph-o-sto-pheles?

[ Roaring ] At last!

After 10,000 years, I'm free!
Free to take my revenge

against the pitiful human race!
[ Evil Laughter ]

That'll probably come
back to haunt us.

You must have mispronounced
the magic word. Try again.

Gary, the book! It's torched!

I may be stuck like this forever.
We may never get Lisa back.

- Scampi's got a copy.
- What?

We'll get it tonight
when we're at his house.

Problem solved.

[ Thumbing ] Do you mind?

Here's the plan.

You search the house.
I'll stall as long as I can.

- Right.
- Wait!

Am I showing?

Hold on.

There. You're golden.

And the milk has vanished!

Thank you.

How many of you enjoyed
farm-fresh eggs this morning?

Show of hands. I know I did.

In fact, I must have
swallowed a whole carton.

Wyatt, a word.

Principal Scampi.
Enjoying the show?

No. As a matter of fact...

I find it phenomenally
painful to watch.

Where's your partner?
Why aren't you doing

those show-stoppers
I saw before?

We can't do that exact same act.

We're not prepared.

Uh... our beautiful assistant,
she's home with the flu

and... we forgot
to bring the sword.

Sure you did.

Oh. What luck.

Gary, hi. Did you find it okay?

No. I searched everywhere.

I combed this place
inside the out.

I looked upstairs, downstairs,
even the attic.

- There's no sign of it.
- The bathroom?

Down the hall two doors
just past the library.

- You have a library?
- Where were you looking?

Gary, the wicked awesome
will be taking over the show.

Whatever you do, no magic.
Just stall.

Well, now I've got a real magician.

Say, how about
a repeat performance

of that spectacular
arabian swordman's trick?

Uh, sure. As soon
as Wyatt comes back.

I understand that
loyalty but let's face it--

Your partner bites and my
guests are getting restless.

Tell you what.
I'll be your assistant.

You can cut me in half.
After all, what lad could

resist the opportunity to
slice his principal in two?

Why is it never easy?

Come on. Chop away.

Principal Scampi,
I can't hack, hack, hack.

We have to build up
to that moment.

Oh, of course. Showmanship.
Carry on.

Ladies and gentlemen
you are about to witness one

of the baddest most awesome
feats of magic ever attemped.

Who has a bowl of soup?

[ Slurping ]

Ta-da!

Now for my next trick

I will fold my body
and walk like a crab.

And for my next fantastic feat
I will belch a pearl Jam Medley.

[ Guest Groaning ]

Mr. Wallace, this is not
a locker room.

I believed the mood has
been sufficiently set.

Cut me in half so we
can get on with dessert.

Let's, uh...
let's make it interesting.

Take a little off the top.

- I've got the book!
- Donnelly, what's going on?

Here's the word. Don't blow it.

- Mephostopheles?
- [ Growling ]

[ Growling ]
You dare to summon me dare?

I shall turn this soiree
into an orgy of blood!

- [ Laughing ]
- [ People Screaming ]

[ Growls ]

Ladies and gentlemen,
you've just witnessed

Gary, the demon slayer!
The latest addition to our act.

- Thank you and good night.
- That... was spectacular!

Good work, Gary,
the wicked awesome.

You got a real talent there.

Couldn't have done it
without you, Wy.

- [ Cloth Tearing ]
- [ Thumb ]

- [ Grunts ]
- The topper!

I'll get the wheelbarrow.

Mm-hmm.

Lisa, when you disappeared
where did you go?

I was transported
to a dark corner

- of the fifth astral plane.
- Wow.

- What was it like?
- A little muggy.

- LISA: So what did I miss?
- We conjured a demon.

Gary sucked soup
through his nose.

- I missed the soup trick?
- As much as I'd like to

wow you with a repeat
performance I have a date.

Have fun.

Linda, good news--
I got plenty of cash.

We can do anything.

I've got good news too.
When I told my ex-boyfriend

we were dating
he got so jealous,

we got back together
thanks to you.

Just one of my many talents.

Sim-sim-salabim.

[ Sneezes ]