05x08 - Bee in There

[bunniefuu]

Since the dawn of creation
it is the male of the species

who asserts himself
as protector of the clan.

He stands ready to face
the imminent onslaught

of his oncoming rivals.

His nostrils flare.

He fires.

Victory!

The clan lives to see
another sunrise.

There you go, sweetie.

You're up, ace.

You're going down, clown.

Do over! Do over.

It slipped.

Hit the showers.
My turn.

If it's any consolation
you did better than I expected.

It's-it's not my fault.
It's not my fault.

Then whose fault is it?

I blame Dad.

LISA:
You blame your dad?

Explain to me how he's responsible
for you being a spaz?

It's a father's job
to teach his kid stuff.

But did my dad ever teach
me to throw a baseball?

No. He was too busy
being a corporate bigwig.

- I mean, just look at him.
- Fax me the contracts.

I'll get back to you in a minute.
Hold on, I'm getting another call.

You know,
Wyatt's got something there.

Why should we be blamed
for our own shortcomings?

I blame my dad, too.

He's a cold, distant,
self-centered man.

- Just look at him.
- [ Whinnying ]

So he taught me to ride his back.

How does that help me get girls?

- It doesn't, that's how.
- What's the problem?

Just go play catch with your dads.

It's too late now.

It should have happened
when we were kids.

- I could zap you into jocks.
- Your magic always wears off.

- We need something more reliable.
- No offense taken.

Oh, wait!
I got a great idea.

Okay, now stay
with me on this.

What if we went back in time
to when we were kids.

- I can do that.
- But you zap us into our dad's bodies.

Then Gary and I as our dads
teach us our younger selves

how to throw a baseball.
Got it?

Yeah, like in Quantum Leap.

Sounds like sloppy wishing
to me but whatever.

It worked.
I'm in my dad's body.

Oh, boy.

Wyatt, am I wearing a dress?

Yes.

Wyatt, am I wearing pumps?

- Yes.
- Wyatt, what's wrong with this picture?

The pumps don't match the belt?

You're a riot, Alice.

Hey, guys...
Gary, why are you wearing a dress?

'Cause I'm my mom.

Oops. Did I do that?

- I did that, didn't I?
- Let me fix it.

No, no, magic.
I'm just grateful I'm still human.

This is ridiculous.
Let me crank up my zapper.

- I'll give it another shot.
- No, no, then you might really screw things up.

Look, I'm my dad
and Gary's his mom.

Close enough.
Let's go find little Gary and little Wyatt.

Some thanks.

I did transport you back in time
and put you in your parent's bodies.

That's pretty impressive,
if you ask me.

Sloppy wishers.

Okay, now go like this.

Great.
Now go show your mom.

[ Cackling ]

Hey, Dad.
Mrs. Wallace.

Can I have a couple
of friends over?

I promise I won't touch
your stereo.

Uh, sure.

Oh, and uh...

Get a haircut clean your room
and clean your brother's room.

- Clean Wyatt's room?
- Yeah, and uh...

While you're at it start referring
to your brother as Mr. Wyatt

the greatest little brother
in the whole world.

Huh?

- Say it.
- Uh, Mr. Wyatt

the greatest little brother
in the whole world.

- Hi, Chett.
- Hey, Sis.

I mean, Mr. Wyatt,
the greatest little brother

in the whole world.

Gary: Hey, I forgot what
a little porker you were.

I wasn't fat.
I was husky.

Are you kidding?

For crying out loud look at you.
You were a planet with feet.

Oh, yeah?
I had a slow metabolism.

You would have eaten your feet
if you could have reached them.

I'll k*ll you!

You want a piece
of the action, huh?

- Huh, fat boy?
- I got your fat boy right here.

Uh, honey?
Uh...

Thanks, Emily.

Hey, Al, that is quite the little
back-cr*cker you married there.

I am so loose.

Dad, can we go?
I got to tink.

Geez, Gary, again?
You just went.

All right, let's go.
Emily, you coming?

Uh, yes, dear.

- Butterball.
- Puddles.

Okay, Wyatt, I'm going to
teach you how to throw a ball.

It may not seem like a
big deal now but trust me,

it's your ticket to meeting babes.

I don't want babes.
I want a nutty-buddy.

We're going to play catch.
It's as simple as that.

So take the mitt off your head
and catch the stupid ball.

Come on, Gary.
What do you say

to going outside with your mom
and playing some catch?

No.

Come on, just you and me
chucking the ball around.

No.

Al.

Talk to your son.

Get him out of the house
away from the TV.

Play some catch with him.

You know, that's a great idea.
Turn off the TV for a change.

It's time for a little
father-son bonding.

Get out in the fresh air,
hitting the old horsehide.

- What do you say, son?
- No.

Okey-doke.

Hey.

- Is that Miami Vice?
- Yep.

Gary, this is a complete disaster.
I forgot I can't throw.

- How's it going there?
- Not good.

I forgot what a waste-case I was.
My hobbies were TV and peeing.

You can't survive
without magic for ten minutes.

Well, it sure looks
like you need magic now.

Maybe if you beg.

I'm talking about serious
down-on-your-knees begging.

I might consider...

Why don't we sign the boys up
for little league?

- Great idea.
- Pick me up.

Hey, I wasn't done taunting.

What are they up to?

Come on, boy,
we're going for a ride.

No.

There should be a little league
sign-up sheet by the rec office.

Okay, let's hurry.

This bra's like a
medieval t*rture device.

I can't believe what women endure
to contort their bodies

into pleasing shapes for
the unwelcome gaze of men.

Guys are staring?

I still turn heads.

If the bra hurts so much,
just take it off.

You've obviously
never taken off a bra.

It's not that easy.
I'll need your help.

You know, I used to dream
about the first time

a woman would ask me
to take off her bra.

Somehow I imagined the moment
a little differently.

Wyatt, get in here and
take this bad boy off of me.

They got to be
around here someplace.

I can't hold it anymore, Dad.
I got to tink.

Oh, all right.
Here, go in here.

EMILY:
You've got to twist real hard.

WAYNE:
Hike your dress up on your head.

- EMILY: That's it.
- WAYNE: You got it.

[ Contented sigh ]
That feels good.

At last.
You're a natural, my friend.

My first bra.

Hi.

Al?

- Emily?
- It's not what you think.

I can explain. No, I can't--

But Wayne can, I hope.
Tell him, Wayne.

Uh, well...
Al, basically, um...

In a nutshell I was helping Emily
remove her... her bra

here in the porta potti
because when we were

strolling by recently she, uh...

- Okay, I'm going to back up here.
- There was a bee in my bra.

That's right.
That's right.

And she needed to get out
of this thing fast.

Believe me, that she was riled.

So with no concern for
my own personal safety

I jumped in there and
ripped off her bra...

Here you go.

Enough with the lies.
This is hanky-panky plain and simple.

You can keep the bra
and the woman that goes in it.

Did you zip up?

Perfect-- right now
my dad's listening

to country music in some dive
telling Roy the bartender

how I done him wrong.

It's not like I'm all kicked up
about being the "other man."

Try being the "other woman."

And what do we say
when he does show up?

Are we sticking with
the "bee in the bra" story?

We have to.

I think I know a way to sell it.
We show him your bee sting.

What bee sting?

Okay, when I hit the hive,
they're going to be mad.

Ready?

Is a man ever truly ready
to put a bee in his bra?

Do it for your folks, Gar.
Do it for your folks.

- Let her fly.
- Yeah, right.

[ Glass breaking ]

I detect a slight flaw
in our brilliant plan.

So, word is you guys need a bee.

Meet my friend.
His name is Buzzy,

he's a drone and someday
he hopes to meet the queen.

Be gentle, Buzzy.

Oh, it's not that easy.

You mocked my magic,
so now you must pay.

First you have to wear
the bad hairdos of forgiveness

for one week
and eat this clump of dirt.

Fine.

Do it your way.

Okay, okay...

The honey attracts the bees
they sting your boob.

Bada-bing-- hard evidence
in a soft place.

And we don't have to eat dirt.

Now undo your blouse.

Ooh!

It's cold. Whoo...

Oh, it's cold...

Good lord!

Kids, upstairs now.

Uh, M-Mom... Marcia...

- Didn't hear you come in.
- Naturally.

You seem to have had
your hands full.

Uh... There is a funny
explanation for this.

- I got a bee sting.
- Sh-she's allergic.

Wayne was applying lifesaving
aloe vera to the sting.

- That's honey.
- Right...

honey makes...
the pain go away.

Well, then dip me in honey...
because I hurt all over!

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, boy.

[ Crying ]

[ Crying ]

[ Screams ]

[ Screaming continues ]

Yeah, your radiator's cracked.

Don't worry,
I'll give you a free tow.

- I know the owner.
- [ Crying ]: Thanks, Al.

- Ah, don't cry.
- [ Whimpering ]

Wayne doesn't know what he's got.

Heck, you're the prettiest gal
on the block.

- Everybody say so.
- Everybody?

Emily doesn't know
what she's got, Al.

Well... uh...

Let's hook her up
and, uh, move out, okay?

Say, Al...
can I buy you dinner?

LISA: Ah, yes, the bad hairdos
for forgiveness.

All right, then,
you've earned a little magic.

Here.

Bad idea.

When my dad drinks,
he's all hands.

It's gullible juice.

One sip and they'll believe
anything you tell them.

Even that ridiculous bee story.

Better make it a double.

[ Rock music playing ]

What's going on?

Oh, sh**t.

I forgot I told Chett he could
have a couple of friends over.

Look, we've got to find my mom.

- Let's split up, okay?
- Right.

Uh-oh, busted.

Dad...

I can explain this.
I invited a couple friends over.

Things got a little out of hand...

And I have no idea how the hole
in the bathroom wall got there.

I don't care about the party.
Where's your mother?

You really don't care
about the party?

No.

- Could I have a jeep?
- Yeah, yeah, sure.

Oh, by the way, really cool hair...
if you're some kind of freak.

Great party, huh?

Um... your slip is showing.

Is that what that is?

- I got to tink.
- You just went.

- I want a moonpie.
- No peeing. No eating.

We're going to learn
how to throw a baseball.

You stink.

I can't find my mom anywhere.
We're both dead.

Where's the gullible juice?

Uh... oh, I know exactly
where I left it.

Don't go anywhere.

Oh... thanks, Al.

You know, that jolly meal
did cheer me up a bit.

Yeah, it always picks me up.

Trouble is, they're for kids.

I got to eat, like, eight of them.
[ Laughs ]

Want to come in for coffee?

You got instant?

[ Giggling ]

Uh... Marcia, Al!

What are you doing here?

I can't believe this.

Our marriage is falling apart
and you two are having a party?

Dad!

Um, I mean... Sweetums.

Don't "sweetums" me.

I swear we can
clear everything up...

After you two have a drink.
Care for a snort?

- It's empty.
- It's empty?

Throwing a ball can be fun.

Watch.

Oops.

[ Yelling ]

Ahh!

- Bees!
- Bees!

It was the biggest bee I ever saw!
No more bees, bras or bullpucky.

This was no ordinary bee.

This was one of those k*ller bees
that came across the border from...

- Canada. They're...
- Snow bees!

And they migrate South
looking for warm weather.

That's why it flew into my bra.

It was seeking the warmth
of my bosom.

- Give me a break.
- It's true.

I've heard of k*ller snow bees.

Uh, yeah, they crossed
the border from Canada.

And they fly into bras to stay warm.

Gullible juice?

GARY:
They spiked the punch.

I don't know what is in that punch
but you've all clearly

- had too much of it.
- Maybe it's not so improbable.

If these kids have all heard
of snow bees

then their story must be true.

Twenty teenagers can't be wrong...

Ten or twelve, maybe--
but twenty!

Whoo-hoo!
Hey, sorry I ever doubted you, em.

Give me a squeeze.

Bees!

Marcia, Marcia, don't go!

I would never do anything
to hurt you-- never!

I want to believe you,
but your story's preposterous.

The idea of k*ller snow bees
migrating down from Canada

for the express purpose
of flying into women's bras

to seek warmth?
I-it's bullpucky.

- I'm sorry.
- Goodbye.

Bees!

Bees!

Snow bees!

Oh, it's in my bra!
It's in my bra! Oh!

Oh... Oh!

Oh, I'm stung! I'm stung!

Oh! Ow! Oh, oh...

Oh... oh...

Say... you know, that does
make it feel a lot better.

- Thanks, Al.
- Oh, it's just instinct.

You know, when I saw that
snow bee going for your bra

I knew I had to get
my hands in there fast.

Ahem.

I think a couple
of apologies are in order.

- Don't push it.
- No, Emily's right.

I do owe you both an apology.
I didn't trust you, Wayne.

I'm sorry-- I should have.

But now I'm willing to believe
anything you have to tell me.

You can start with the hair.

Well, we never did learn
how to throw a baseball.

Yeah, but we saved
our parents' marriages.

And without any magical
help from Lisa.

We're good.

So good.

Good going, Buzzy.
I owe you one.

Okay, okay, I'll introduce you.
Her name is Elizabeth

but she likes to be called
"Queenie."