05x09 - Future Bride

[bunniefuu]

I named my Kitty after the goddess
persephone for the delightful pun.

Get it? "Purr-sephone."

[ laughing ]

Sometimes, she likes to bring me
dead mice to play with

and I don't want to hurt her
feelings so, I do.

[ sighs ]

Thank you.

[ sighs ]

I order the mousse.

S-s-so, how did your date go last night?

Kathy and the waiter hit it off.
She included herself in the tip.

She cheated on you during the date?
That actually happens?

With surprising regularity.

I hate dating.

You got kiss a lot of frogs
before you find a princess.

Why?
Where is that written?

Why can't I just go
right to the princess?

Because your princess
was off shagging the help.

[ both laugh ]

I'll get married someday, right?

Why I can't I just meet my wife now

so I can forget about
all this dating garbage?

What about the thrill of the chase?
The joy of discovery?

- Romance?
- Waste of time.

Some of us don't have to play the field.

Some of us already have
our smart bombs targeted

- on the Fortified Bunker of Love.
- Am... I the "Bunker"?

Yeah. There, I said it.

Call me an old softy but
that's the way I really feel.

What?!

And that's the way I really feel.

Now that your zapper's
warmed up, I got a wish for you:

show me the girl I'll marry.

Bring on the princess so I can kiss
all these frogs good-bye.

Here you go--
A bride-tracker.

If your future bride is anywhere
nearby this will point her out.

- That thing is cool.
- So, how's this thing work?

Just point and click.

But don't get your hopes up.

There are billions of people
out there on this planet.

Your wife could be
thousands of miles away.

Or on that stool over there.

Wow.

- I'm marrying Barbara...
- Parker.

Barbara Parker.

Barbara Parker-Donnelly.

That's my wife.

Hi.

Hi.

You've, uh...
never seen a girl before.

No, no.
I'm just savoring the moment.

- Ah.
- You might want to do the same.

[ chuckles ]
Oh, really?

And why might I want to do that?

Do you believe in predetermination?

- What?
- Think about it--

With all the billions of people in
the world what are the odds

of two people even meeting
let alone falling in love?

I believe in a higher force.

I believe in a beautiful
thing called "Destiny."

And I believe that
you're sitting on my beeper.

Thank you.

WYATT: Okay.
Okay, so explain this to me:

all those villains in Gotham City--

What do they have,
like, two policemen?

How come Batman
has to do all the work?

Or we're supposed to believe that
a flock of sewer-dwelling Penguins raised

Danny De Vito from birth and
taught him english language? Nah.

Again, I have no explanation.

Schwarzengger's supposed
to be in the next one.

Ooh! I'm there.

Do we think alike
or do we think alike?

Get out of my head!
So, um...

What am I thinking now?

You're thinking about us
going out on Saturday.

Friday, actually,
but, uh, close enough.

- Hmm...
- So, Saturday it is.

- Our second date.
- Second?

- What happened to first?
- Well, this is our first.

Oh, you're counting coffee.
Well, first date, second date...

- Like it matters.
- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
It definitely matters.

I mean,
we need to clearly define this.

I mean, after all this date
could be an anniversary someday.

Well, it's nice to see you don't
have any commitment issues.

[ chuckles ]

[ sighs ]

God!

[ chuckling ]

ANNOUNCER:
...Humberto Luna!

[ audience applauding and cheering ]

So, is this the one where the fat guy
rides his bicycle around the desk?

- Is there one where he doesn't?
- I may have to walk away a mile

to find a woman who appreciates
the genius of canal cuarente y uno.

You know,
I'm almost tempted to, uh...

Nah, it'd be crazy.

Ah!
I'm going to give it a shot.

OK... OK, aqui es...
Ya quicieron que me estacionara.

Will you get a load of this.

Small world, huh?

- That's impossible.
- So, I'm thinking:

just wedding international beer buffet
and one of those big fish molds.

Babs said the cutest thing today.

"Babs"?!
Barbara is now "Babs"?

Maybe.
I'm trying out adorable nicknames.

- What do you think of "BB"?
- Look, you can call her "BB."

And she can call you "YY"
and you can call me "Bye-bye."

There is that single-guy bitterness again.

You just don't understand
what it's like to be married.

Ah, but who does, Mr. Donnelly?
Understand marriage, that is.

The Mystique of a divine
union between two souls.

The Erotic Superglue
that binds a man ot his woman.

Not that I'm condoning
the use of Superglue in marriage

or suggesting that epoxy
and foreplay mix.

Perhaps you should take
this conversation up with your father.

Hey, guys.

It's this mustard.
That's not too spicy for you is it, lamb chop?

Promise me you'll make it like this
every day for the rest of our lives.

Oh, yeah, yeah...
the rest of our lives.

Awesome.

Oh, do you think you could
get me a glass for this... brewski?

Don't move a muscle.

- Get a wish?
- He didn't.

When did you go screwy?

Chett tinkered with Wyatt's
bride-tracker so it's points at me.

He think I don't know, the bonehead!

Why didn't you just
tell him you're onto him?

If I did,
I won't be able to t*rture him.

- Oh.
- Oh.

That was delicious, hon.

Do you think you can make me
another sandwich?

Uh... sure. You bet.

Hey-dee-ay. fiancee.

My God!
What are you doing?!

Nothing. Just took a shower.

Since we're engaged,
there's no reason to be shy.

There's nothing here
you're not going

to be on a first-name basis
with soon enough.

Well, that's true.

I guess there's no reason
you can't see me an naturel.

Ooh, la, la!

I meant "without makeup."

Aah, you don't have
to wear makeup for me.

Well, maybe a little light foundation.

Only 37 more hours
till date number two.

It's a very important milestone
in a relationship, you know?

Ooh! Ooh!
Look, look, look, there's my Barbles.

- "Barbles"?
- Just floating it out there.

Huh, and, uh,
what does they call her?

- Huh?
- You know, Trey--

the guy with tongue
rammed in Barbles' ear.

[ giggling ]

[ clearing throat ]

I think you and me an explanation.

I... overslept.

The dog ate it...
I was young, I needed the money.

- What are we talking about?
- You were flirting with that guy.

- I thought we had a date on Saturday.
- Sorry.

I guess I didn't know
we were exclusive.

But you're destined to be my wi...

wi... wild girl!

[ growling ]

Oh, well... in that case,
Saturday it is.

[ meowing ]

Walk away, my friend.
Forget about "Barbles."

So she's not exclusive.
No big.

I'm safe in the arms of destiny.

And she's safe in the arm
of Clyde Phillips.

- And Jim.
- Jim?

- And Dan.
- Dan?

- Carl.
- I don't see Carl.

Oh, he's behind Ned.

Oh, yeah.

You have got to be kidding me.
I have to train for our wedding night?

This is serious business, Mister.
Genie loving requires

a superhuman physical conditioning
an off-the-chart ability

to withstand pain
and, of course, discipline.

One slipup, and you're dead
flash-fried! Vaporized! Toast!

I am... so turned on right now.

Barbara is seeing other guys.

Why? Because she doesn't
know I'm her husband.

- To be.
- She doesn't know what a happy couple we are.

- Will be.
- I'll show her how much fun married life can be.

Ten years from now.
No. No.

Saturday.
I'm pulling out all the stops.

We're going to do every
"fun couples" thing in the book.

This book--
the guy is a genius.

It's a primer for married life.

Does this mean
I get to be your best man?

Slow down.
It's like ten years from now.

[ humming ]

[ window sliding open ]

- Wyatt?
- Wow!

Now, there's a bed-face
I could wake up to every morning.

Ready for date number two?

Wyatt, when I said 6:00,
I meant PM.

Oh, it's not early.

That early.

It's a little early.

I'll come back in an hour.

- Ready?
- Oh, yeah, I'm ready.

Bring it.

Okay.

[ screaming ]

- Ready?
- Yeah. I'm ready.

- You okay?
- [ stammering ]

Yeah... I'm fine.

Missed me!

[ screaming ]

- What are you doing?
- We're sharing.

That's what couples do.
Sharing's fun.

Here, have some of mine.

- That's fine, thank you.
- Come on, eat off my plate.

- It's cute.
- Really, Wyatt, I'm fine.

- Come on.
- Wyatt...

- stop it.
- You're missing a real treat, hon.

I really wish
you wouldn't call me "hon."

Did I do that?

This... this just feels so comfortable.

In fact, I feel like
I could do anything around you.

[ burps ]

I'm not asking for directions.

- We're not lost.
- Because I'm a guy.

Guys don't like asking for directions.
We're funny that way.

I know that drives you girls crazy.

Oh, I know that look.

Somebody's catching hell
when we get home.

So, what do you think?

Now, I know you girls
love those frilly couches

but I need to be comfortable
when I'm watching the game.

Honey, bring me a beer!

What?

Why are we looking at couches?

We're shopping.
It's a couple thing.

Okay.
I think I see the problem here.

Wyatt... we are not a couple.
This is our first date.

- This is our second date.
- That was just coffee.

It was a date!

Oh, our first fight.

Oh, let's, um... let's promise
never ot go to bed angry.

I can certainly promise you half of that.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What's wrong?
I got the rest of the day planned.

I thought we'd read
the paper together

change our answering machine
message argue about money!

Wyatt... It's over.

This was a really bad date.

I will not by seeing you again.

You mean we're breaking up?!

That's what I'm thinking.

Wait! Wait!

We can still save our marriage!
We can adopt!

A kid like this will remind us
why we fell in love--

make us grow closer--
fill in the gaps in our lives!

Don't you want to be his mommy?

[ giggling ]

Before we begin,
I want you to know

that no human
has ever been here before.

It's a genie love boudoir especially
built to withstand hot genie love.

The kind of love
that would k*ll an ordinary man.

Do you think you're ready, baby?

Oh, yeah. I'm ready.

I think I'm ready.

Oh, I'm so glad, darling.
Just promise me one thing.

- You name it.
- Be gentle with me.

A genie in the thrones of passion
can generate some serious heat.

I'm ready for hot.
I'm so ready for hot.

Good, becuase we're talking
upwards of 2,000 degrees.

[ screaming ]

Wow!
You should be totally fried.

- I didn't feel a thing.
- Oh... good.

- I guess it's time to sterilize you.
- Sterilize?

As in clean.

You've got to be germ-free
to mate with a genie.

Prepare for laser dermal penetration.

What?
[ screaming ]

Gee, hon.

Do you think you can handle this?
We could always wait.

No.
I don't want to deprive you.

Chett, you can't take any more!
Abort! Abort!

No.

Focus on the pain.

Must... consummate.

Don't worry.
That's all it takes.

Are you crazy?
You almost turned yourself

into a steamed dumpling
just to spend one night with me.

Did it really mean that much to you?

[ groaning ]

Oh, that is so sweet.

Well, nobody can say you didn't earn it.

What the heck.
Take me.

It's yours, Chett.

[ groaning ]

Men.

- What's with you?
- It's over.

She left me.
I'm only 17 years old

and I'm already looking
for wife number two.

You're still young.
You'll meet somebody else.

Who's going to want me?
I'm used goods.

Knowing the future ruined my life.

Ohh... relax.

She...

wasn't really going
to be your wife anyway.

What?!

The bride-tracker wasn't real.
It was just box with lights on it.

But... I... if Barbara was...

What about my wish?!

I chose not to grant it.

You put me through
all of that for a joke?

For a lesson.

If Barbara had been your wife
you would have ruined your entire life.

Thanks to me, you didn't.

Ain't you glad?

Come on.

Ain't you glad?

- [ muffed ]: Yes.
- Then what do you say?

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.

- Say it.
- Don't want to.

Wyatt...

Thank you, Lisa.

You're welcome, Wyatt.

Now get your whiny butt off the bed.

WYATT:
Thank you, Lisa. Thank you, Lisa.

Thank you, Lisa. Thank you, Lisa.