05x10 - Stalag 16

[bunniefuu]

Educator of the decade?

Me?

Oh, sweet baby James!

Mr. Scampi, we'd love to get
a sound bite for the evening news.

The news!
Yes, yes, of course.

I'd like to express my gratitude
for this rare honor--

Iowa hog growers
educator of the decade.

[ Grunting softly ]

You work... tirelessly...

Thanklessly...

And think
nobody's paying attention...

And then something like this
comes along...

Soo-eee!

Very nice.
Very nice, sir.

- So, Mr. Frehley...
- Oh, please, you call me Ace.

You got it... Ace.

When can I expect
my lifetime supply of bacon?

Oh, about the same time pigs fly.

[ Chortling ]

That... voice.

You're not really Ace Frehley.

- Chester!
- You've been stung.

[ Cackling ]

[ Continues laughing ]

Chester!

What did you do
to my living room?

- It's the holodeck you asked for.
- Holodeck?

Yuppers. It's a total immersive
V.R. Experience.

Just pick your favorite fantasy
and it all comes to life in that chamber.

Check out the brochure.

"Battle space aliens.
"Capture Al Capone.

Escape from Stalag 16."

Hop in for the ride of your life.

It doesn't look safe.

Put a rat in it first
and see what happens.

- Excuse me?
- Put a rat in it.

Come back here.

[ Yelling ]

Uh-oh.

I want an apology!

You... strangle like a girl.

WYATT:
What's happening to them?

They're enjoying the
wonders of my holodeck.

"Escape from Stalag 16."

Lisa... get us out of here.
This isn't funny.

Unless I miss my guess
we're in the middle of a

World w*r II P.O.W. Camp.

God is punishing me for
raising a hand to a student

and the blind panic should
be kicking in just... about...

Now! [ Yelling ]

Stop, Scampi!

[ g*nshots ]

[ Both yelling ]

WYATT:
Get them out of there, Lisa.

They can't actually leave
until the program runs its course

and the scenario won't end until
they actually escape from the camp.

- Couldn't we just pull the plug?
- Bad idea.

That would melt their brains.

Cooler.

You really want to walk these
new fish to the cooler?

If you ask me they ain't
worth the Shoe Leather.

What do you offer me?

Pack of smokes...
Belgian chocolate

and the capper...

"Home of the Little Corporal."

Oh. You Americans
with your libertine ways.

Ach.

Come on, you mugs before
schmitty changes his mind.

Oh!

[ French accent ]:
Sergeant Scampi!

Colonel Donnelly.
Welcome to Stalag 16.

I'm a colonel? Bitchin'.

I am Lieutenant Pommefritte
the tunnel man.

You give me two nights
and a bent spoon

I will provide an escape
tunnel a mile long.

The earth, she is my woman.

Sergeant Manfredi you
have already met, eh?

Yeah, I'm the Scrounger.

I get you anything
you want for a price--

Uh, Hooch, movie star pinups,
Hungarian crushed velvet curtains...

I've got a catalog somewhere here.

This is Garner,
our demolitions expert.

GUARD:
Everyone outside! Raus!

Raus! Raus!

Whoo.

Guten tag, mein herren.

[ Chuckling ]

I am Kommandant Liebdich,
which in the German tongue

means "love you"
and I do love you,

each and every one of you.
My prisoners are my children.

Oh, yes.
But if you misbehave

then my guards will have to
spank you with their machine g*ns.

[ Laughing ]
Jawohl, Herr Butt-Skank.

[ Laughter ]

What is this "Butt-Skank"?

Who has said this "Butt-Skank"?

Hmm?!

If I do not receive an answer
there will be

no scary goblin masks permitted
this Halloween.

Well, it wasn't me.
It was Donnelly.

- [ Grunting ]
- Come on, fellas, we all heard him.

Nobody likes a tattletale.
To the cooler!

It's just a little smoke.
Perfectly normal.

- It's venting.
- Admit it, it's a death trap.

I'd like to point out
that it's still running.

Okay, a fully
functioning deathtrap.

I built this baby rock solid.


coursing through it

and not even a flutter.


a 110-volt household outlet?

[ Sputtering ]

LISA: Well, it was working
perfectly fine

- until you guys came home.
- [ Both whimpering ]

See?
Superior craftsmanship.

The reserve power
system just kicked in.

Or... something.

[ Dogs barking ]

All lights out!

Raus! Schnell!

[ Whispering ]:
It's all clear.

As I was saying the escape
tunnels will be finished shortly.

Soon, mes amis, we will break
the heady nectar of freedom.

Ha!

So...

How's that escape going, guys?

You got room for one more?

Uh...

Well, normally, I would say yes
but, uh, there's only room

in the escape tunnels for...

Well, all of us except you.

I think I understand
what's going on here.

Chester... a word.

What?

The boys and me are
planning an escape here.

And I don't want to be left behind.

The other dogfaces...
they seem to have...

accepted you.

Why should I help you?

All you ever did for me
was give me detentions

confiscate my penthouses and
get me in trouble with my parents.

I am not responsible for you
breaking the rules, Chester.

You kicked me out of Farber
and got me sent to military school.

You know what that was like?

One time the upperclassmen
made me walk through the quad...

Holding a live goldfish
in my butt-cheeks.

[ Laughs ]
But the last laugh's on you, Scamps.

'Cause military school prepared
me for situations like this.

Now you're trapped in my world.

Guard:
All clear!

- Cheese it!
- You better find a bunk.

That's my bunk.

Not there.

[ Snoring ]

Cooler!

We're losing backup power fast.

You're saying when it hits zero
Chett and Scampi are dead men?

Yeah, well... technically.

Well, then you've got to zap
in there and help them escape.

Me?
Get inside that thing?

Not likely.

Okay, okay. Touch nothing.

LISA [ German accent ]:
On your feet, soldier!

[ Groans ]

I am Field Marshall Wisenhiemer.

I have letters of transit
for two of your prisoners.

Their names are
Donnelly and Scampi.

But th-these letters
of transit are in English.

It is in secret code,
you cowardly dog!

Most clever, Herr Wisenhiemer.

Ouch.

Oops.

Your hair seems to be
a bit beyond regulation length.

Of course, rank has
its privileges, nicht wahr?

It is bouncin' and behavin'.
[ Giggles ]

Thank you. Thank you?

Hah! Thank you?!

Us German guys
never say "thank you"!

You are a fake German guy!
Guards!

You are very good,
Wisenhiemer...

But no disguise can escape
these eagle eyeballs of mine.

Take this man to the cooler!

Hm!

Well, so much for
operation "genie drop."

- What now?
- We have to take steps.

If the power keeps dropping
in 20 minutes

we'll have some brain
melts on rye.

We're going to have to go in.

How do we know we're going
to get back out in one piece?

We'll have to take that chance.

Wait...
I just thought of something.

I saw this once on Poltergeist.

We'll throw this in first
and see if it comes back okay.

Whoo!

So, where's it come out?

[ Uncertain mutter ]

Huh?

Hey, you do some nice
work on these passports.

I also do permission slips
report cards and drug tests.

Merde.

The g*ons have discovered
the escape tunnel in the latrine.

- How?
- Someone left the seat up.

Okay.
The escape tunnel's out.

There's got to be another way
out of this rat-hole.

We could use the
second escape tunnel.

[ Grunts ]
She's no good to us.

There's a second escape tunnel?

The escape tunnel she is located
in the Kommandant's office.

There's got to be a way
to get men in there.

We need a distraction.

The Kommandant--
does he have any weaknesses?

No. His will is iron.

Unless you count his unholy obsession
with female German shot-putters.

Ach... lose Miss May.

You have served me well.
[ Sniffing ]

But now it is time to say
hello to the delicate Miss June.

Whoa! Wow-das-wow-wow.
[ Smooch ]

If only there was
a female shot-putter

- we could use as a decoy.
- [ Laughs ]

Good luck, mon ami.

There are no women
within 500 kilometers of here.

One of us will have
to throw on a dress

and seduce the Kommandant.

Ah, but who?
This mission is extremely dangereuse.

Listen up, everybody!

I got something to say!
Now, I'm a patriotic American.

Therefore, I request...
No-- demand...

Inclusion in any and
all future escape plans.

Do I make myself clear?!

You know, there is one job
that we need handled.

Great. I'm your man.

- Not for long.
- [ Restrained laughter ]

[ Chuckling ]

Those Katzenjammer kids...
They are always getting into Dutch.

[ Throat clearing ]

[ Higher-pitched throat clearing ]

Mein gott.
Guten tag, mein herr.

Ausgezeichnet.

Und, Fraulein,
in the '36 Olympics

did you put your shot for
the red, white, and black?

The... '36 Olympics?

That was quite a workout.

I had to throw the shot put...
Really far.

Never mind that.
How far...

Will you go?

Would you give this naughty
soldier boy a good spanking?

Ooh, I love it when
my buns get cherry red.

Well, uh... let's not...
let's not... rush things.

Have another glass of wine.

You don't have to get
me drunk, you know.

I am... easy.

Ooh!

Jiminy.

The Germans sure can hold
their sodium penathol.

Aren't you the least bit sleepy?

Wine does not make me sleepy,
only frisky.

I am seeing double,
but I am feeling single.

- You look so tense.
- Ja, ja, ja.

How about a nice
shoulder massage?

Ah, ja, that is the sweet spot.

The Kommandant's not going down.

We've got to abort the escape.

And do what?
Abandon Scampi?

That man's putting his tail
on the line for you guys.

We're backing him up.
The escape continues.

That's an order, sergeant!

No more with this stalling
now make me the loving.

And now I will be sleepy.

[ Snoring ]

Willikers.
That was a close one.

Hey, Fritzie,
I got another joke for you.

What do you call the fuhrer
buried up to his neck in sand?

Not enough sand.
I hear nothing. I hear nothing.

How do you get a one-armed
fuhrer out of a tree?

Wave to him.

I will give you
a thrashing now!

Dummkopf.

Fell for the old belt-attached-to-
the-welcome mat trick.

Scampi: Hey, fellas.
A little help here!

- Shh!
- Shh!

Sorry. We can't risk
waking that ratzi schnook.

Get him off me.
Get him off me!

If you leave me I'll be shot.

Fear not, mon ami.

Word of your heroic sacrifice
will sweep through Paris

like a wildfire children will sing
of your courage

grandmothers will light candles in
your memory and beautiful women

will want to sleep with me
just because I knew you.

Merci, mon ami.

It's no use. He's hanging
on like an ugly girlfriend.

Go, Chester. Save yourself.

- You mean that, don't you?
- Of course I do.

What principal wouldn't give
his life for a former student?

You're not going to die
here, Scampi. Not today.

You're going to live
a nice, long life.

And every minute of that life
you're going to know

that I saw you with lipstick, heels
and a 200-pound

pile of Sauerkraut wrapped
around your legs.

You will die... now.

Frauleins first.

Game called on account
of unconsciousness.

What about this scenario?
"Polynesian Paradise."

Is that a volcano?

Yeah, but it stays dormant
as long as they toss

in a virgin every once in a while.

Okay, here's a quiet one--
"Amish Barnraising."

I don't like the looks
of that pitchfork.

[ Both whistling "When Johnny
Comes Marching Home" ]

Hey, shouldn't we wipe
Scampi's memory?

Ooh, I almost forgot.

Where am I?

Can't remember.

Ace Frehley.
I remember Ace Frehley.

Ace. Pigs. Bacon.

Shame.

Uh-oh.

[ Yelling ]

No!

[ Alarm sounds ]

I remember this.

Chester, this time you
get to be the woman.