05x16 - Night of the Swingin' Steves

[bunniefuu]

[ sighing ]

Thanks, Steve.
I had a wonderful time.

Well, the night is still young.

- Come in for a nightcap?
- Okay.

- Cool pad!
- Thanks, doll.

It comes with all the extras.

[ gasping ]

[ gasping ]

[ jazzy music playing ]

- Highball?
- Well... maybe just a teeny one.

Okay.

You know, I'm really glad we got
a chance to meet each other.

I don't usually do
the whole dating thing

but when you came up to me in
the Java Man, it was like you knew me.

I mean, I did go there often.

[ purring ]

Groovin' and movin'.

Neat lava lamps.

No! Don't touch those!

Uh... Sorry, sugar.

Those belong... to my mother.

To the hippest chick I know.

And I know chicks.

[ glasses shatter ]

Dance?

[ '60s doo-wop ballad plays ]

- I've never met a cat like you, Steve.
- [ gulps ]

I think you may be the one.

Dig it!

[ shuddering ]

Steve?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, baby.

Let's groove!

Steve?

What's going on?

Steve?

Steve?

The mission has failed, Steve.

Who are you?
What have you done with Steve?

You? I remember you.

You're the aliens that kidnapped me.

We've traveled through many
galaxies and seen many candidates,

but you, Lisa, you are the one
we've chosen to be our new queen!

Huh?

Our race is dying out.
We need a female to reproduce with.

[ gulps ]

Look, get it through your lumpy
butt-heads "no" means no!

I'm not interested in being your queen!
Now, what did you do with my date?

Well, uh, actually...
[ chuckles ]

- Steve was one of us.
- What?

[ slurping ]

By carefully analying
your popular culture

we were able to
create the perfect date.

Dig it.

A male of the species so sexually
desirable no female could resist him.

Let's do the monkey till our cheeks sing.

Unfortunately,
he was unable to to withstand

the sheer erotic power of
your genie mating overtures.

[ growling ]

Unit seven, return to the vat.

The vat? I can dig it.

Catch you later, baby.

- I'm out of here.
- Oh, no! Please don't.

We realize we came on too strong
last time but give us another chance!

Here...
Think of the children!

They need a mother.

- Are those your alien embryos?
- Coochie-coochie-coochie-coochie.

Do they come ripping out of
your stomach when they're born?

- Well, uh... a little.
- I got to go.

No, wait! No, wait! Don't.

Um... we could be friends.
Go to the mall...

uh... talk on the phone, you know?

- Do stuff?
- Well...

Thanks. So...

- [ chuckling ]
- We can give you a call?

Why don't I call you?

[ aliens groaning ]

[ moaning ]

[ groaning ]

What's happened?!

[ groaning ]

Lisa!

What's going on?!

[ Wyatt whimpering ]

ALIEN LEADER:
Easy does it.

Ow!

Whoops!

- Let me do it.
- No. Let me.

Back off! I've got it.

WYATT:
Lisa!

Whoops!

[ screaming ]

What's going on?

Lisa, hey... we just, uh...

Dropped in to see what you were up to.

It's 3:00 in the morning!

- What are you doing here?
- Okay, you got us.

We were going to abduct his brain
and send him to the Organ Farms

of Talos IV so you could spend
some more free time with us.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

That's kind of sweet.

Lisa!

[ sighing ]

I knew this wouldn't work out.
I can't see you guys anymore.

But I-I thought
we were going ot be friends.

Friends don't send their friend's
friends to Alien Organ Farms, pal!

Steve, it's over. Go.

Okay. We'll go.
But this isn't over yet.

You still destined to be queen.

Resistance is futile, baby.

You will be assimilated.

[ chuckling ]

Enough is enough!

- I've got ot red rid of these jerks.
- Ow.

Yeah. These guys don't seem like
they're going to take "no" for an answer.

There's only one man I know who
can deal with extraterrestrials.

I've been waiting
my whole life for somone like you;

evidence that
the paranormal does exist.

Of course, you realize
I have to erase your memory.

What a shame.
Nothing to remember you by.

Except this.

I know he can help.
I've got to find him.

Uh... hello? Agent Scolder?

Scolder is no more.
I am Bagwa Ramaan Rashneesh.

O... kay.

Are those hot coals?

How come you're not getting burned?

As long as I maintain my concentration
pain has no meaning for me.

By focusing inward, I am
able to seek the truth

without the distractions
of the physical world.

So the truth is in there?

You...

W... w-whoa!

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

[ panting ]

I couldn't let anyone know I was
magic genie so I wiped your brain.

I knew it.
I tried everything to tap

those respressed memories:
hypnotic regression,

mind-altering fungi repeated blows
to the head with a javanese painstick.

But now I see what
I tried so hard to remember.

Oh...

- Well, anyway--
- I need your help.

I'm having trouble with extraterrestrials.

Extraterrestrials?

You mean you've made contact?
You've actually made contact?

Contact?
They've been all over me.

Well, what did they look like?
Gray skin?

Large heads?
Black, almond-shaped eyes?

Not exactly.

They...

The deep lacerations across
the chest indicate a sharp

multi-pronged weapon--
possibly a garden weasel.

[ phone rings ]

Molly.

It's me.

Scolder, where have you been?

Dredging up some old memories.

Still chasing aliens, Scolder?
You need a hobby.

I'll try collecting beer cans.

- That's a joke, Molly.
- Ah.

I found
what you've been looking for:

- proof.
- Let me see it.

- Then I'll show it to you.
- Then I'll believe it.

- Okay.
- Fine.

Good.

How did your hair grow back so fast?

- A trick the monks taught.
- Excuse me.

You do-- Do I know you?

Although there's no point
in me telling you

since you wouldn't believe me anyway.
So, your aliens live in Casa Mermuda?

You guys have to help me
get rid of them.

Get rid of them?
Since I was eight and my terrier,

Mr. Yaps, was abducted
I've dedicated my life

to the search for cosmic truths.

Believe me, the only cosmic truth these
guys know is how to stuff a wild bikini.

I'm out of here.

Incredible.

After all my years of searching,
questing, seeking the truth

here I am, face-to-face
with a superior alien intelligence.

- Is that a wonderbra?
- Scolder, this is absurd.

Even you can't be fooled by these
ludicrous Halloween costumes.

Find the zipper, babe.

Molly, how can you still not believe

when the proof is sitting
right here in front of you?

Maybe because the proof is
trying to see down my blouse.

Ow!

You've kissed Lisa, right?

Did you get any tongue?

[ panting ]
At least tell me this--

Do you plan to colonize our world?

- You know it, baby!
- [ chuckling mischievously ]

You were right,
those guys are jerks.

- Told you.
- I can't believe

I've dedicated my life to the search
for extraterrestrial horndogs.

So how do we get rid of them?

Well, I have an idea.

It's a bit unorthodox, but, uh...

Spill it, G-Man.

All right,
if I were to pose as your,

uh, boyfriend the Steves might see
that you were spoken for and back off.

It would simply be a ruse,
of course

until the aliens got
the message and left.

Of course.

Do you think we can pull it off?

Well, I did work undercover
in a cult of hermaphrodite

telemarketers for six months
without beindetected.

Another little trick
the monks taught me.

♪ How lucky can one guy be? ♪

♪ I kissed her, and she kissed me ♪

♪ Like the fella once said ♪

♪ Ain't that a kick it the head? ♪

♪ The room was completely black ♪

♪ I hugged her,
and she hugged me back ♪

♪ Like the sailor said, quote ♪

♪ "Ain't that a hole in the boat" ♪

♪ My head keeps spinnin' ♪

♪ I go to sleep and keep grinnin' ♪

♪ If this is just the beginnin' ♪

♪ My life is gonna be bea-utiful ♪

♪ I've sunshine enough to spread ♪

♪ It's just like the fella said ♪

♪ Tell me quick ♪

♪ Ain't it a kick ♪

♪ In the head. ♪

Oh, Steve, she took the human
to our special place.

That's it!

I've had it!

This tiny-brained interloper
must be destroyed.

MAN:
I couldn't agree more.

Who are you?

A friend.

Like you, I find Agent Scolder
to be an unusually persistent

irritant to my agenda.

It would bring me great pleasure
to see him terminated.

You and us, buddy.
We'd love to take a whack at Mr. Suave-O.

I have the solution
that should satisfy us both.

[ chuckles nervously ]:
Uh, Lisa.

Hardly.

Yikes, it's a T-5000.

One of the deadliest shape-shifting
assassins in the galaxy.

Call me Todd.

Well.
Looks like your plan worked.

I haven't seen those
pink-headed buttinskis for days.

Well, we can't be absolutely
sure that they won't come back.

It's true.

Maybe you should stick around...
...a little longer.

- Just a case.
- Well, yeah.

[ cell phone rings ]

This better be good.

MOLLY:
I found something you should see.

Meet me at the aliens' apartment
right away.

- SCOLDER: I'm busy right now.
- You're with her, aren't you?

Molly...
you're not jealous, are you?

Hardly.
Still, I am a woman.

As such, I'm aware of weaknesses
concerning mysterious blondes.

Now put your hormones
on ice and get over here.

- What is it?
- I've got to go.

Molly's found something
at the aliens' apartment.

Later on, I'm going to check out
some unexplained cattle mutilations.

- If you want to tag along...
- It's a date.

[ exhales deeply ]

Molly?

Anybody here?

[ woman clears throat ]

Hello, Scolder.

Molly, what's going me?
You said you had something to show me?

I do.

[ beeps ]

[ sighs ]

Nice outfit.
J. Edgar Hoover collection?

Come on, Scolder.
Let's get nasty.

And then I floated right out of my bed.

Explain that.
Spontaneous noctural levitation.

Perfectly normal for a boy your age.

So, Lis...
Where's your new boyfriend?

Agent Scolder isn't my boyfriend.

Wait a second.

I thought he was with you.

I've been observing
the freak brothers all afternoon.

You didn't ask Scolder to meet
you at the Steves' place?

- No.
- We've got to warn Scolder!

Come on, Scolder.

Something besides aliens
must smoke your bacon.

I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable
discussing my bacon with you, Molly.

What do you say we...
jump on the griddle?

Careful.

You'll bruise the gin.

[ grunts ]

Looking for this?

[ clicks ]

Looking for these?

Yike.

Oops.

Whup his two-cheeked butt!
[ laughs ]

[ grunting ]

Look out for little Stevie!

- Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!
- Oh, geez!

Whoa...! Ah...!

- Oh, my God!
- [ frantic grunting ]

This explains a lot.

Step aside, Tex.

Oh...

Head rush.

Huh!

Ow!

- STEVE: Oh, nice leg action...
- Huh?

You... are... under... arrest.

Yeah!

Oh...

- Are you all right?
- I am now.

Thank God. Nice work.

- Are you okay?
- Fine.

Despite this murderous
alien's shape-shifting ability

- I knew it wasn't the real Molly.
- How?

He was too feminine.

Oh, yeah, the alluring lingerie.
Seductive bedroom eyes.

The convincing pillow talk.

I was far too aroused
for it to have been Molly.

Okay, that's it!

For years, I followed you
on your wild goose chases!

Yow know what?!
You know what, Scolder?!

- It's all crap!
- What are you talking about?

All those long lonely stakeouts...

The smell of stale coffee and
microwave burritos on your breath.

I wanted you, Scolder... bad.

But you never gave me
a second glance.

I'm a woman, damn it!

Are you ever.

Say, have you ever
considered a career change?

- Like being a queen, for instance?
- Yeah, a queen.

- MOLLY: You're on.
- Yes!

Sorry, Lisa, but there's
something about a gal

who can punch out a T-5000
and still smell as fresh

as the Brine Pools of Meepus-5.
[ sniffing ]

Let's go, hot stuff.

So, uh...

Still up for checking out
those cattle mutilations?

I've packed a cheeky little bordeaux.

You know, Molly may smell like
the Brine Pools of Meepus-5...

But I'll take a girl
who knows what wine goes

with cattle mutilations any day.

Shall we?

♪ I thought love was only
true in the fairy tales ♪

- ♪ And for someone else... ♪
- Go, baby, go!

♪ ...but not for me ♪

♪ Her love was out to get me ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ That's the way it seemed ♪

♪ Disappointment haunted
all my dreams... ♪