05x17 - Genie Junior

[bunniefuu]

[ overdubbed in Chinese ]:

[ yelling ]

[ yelling and whimpering ]

[ overdubbed in Spanish ]

[ overdubbed in Chinese ]

Lisa, this is just... it's just great.

- It is, isn't it?
- It shouldn't end.

Who says it has to? This is
probably going to sound bizarre

but I could really see you and
me... you know... together.

Really? You mean it?

I'll tell you, Lis, I would make you
the happiest woman in the world.

I would worship you and
I'd never let go of you.

You're all I think about. You're
all I could ever ask for in a, um...

- woman.
- Yeah, right.

Lisa?
Come on, you can't leave me here.

How am I going to get home?

So you just left him in China?
He deserve it.

five seconds after we were kissing
he was checking out this geisha girl.

- You kissed him?
- Yes, I kissed him.

- On the mouth?
- Yes.

Bad Lisa!
Fooling around with Chett is bad!

He is the most immature person I know.

[ growling ] I am Walrus Man!

- I stand by my statement.
- Ow...

Tater burn.

One must transcend pain to
hear the laughter of the soul.

- Chett?
- Call me Kwai-Chang Chett.

How did you get home?

Ah, Gentle Lisa. After you
deserted me I wandered

the back roads of China lost...
alone.

As I neared death I was taken
in by an order of Shao-lin priests

who taught me the ancient ways.

- Kabobs?
- Uh, no.

So you see, Lisa... I am reborn.

Mature, wise... centered...

and ready to make an honest
commitment to the woman I... love.

Here you go.

I'm sorry. What was I saying?

You were saying good-bye.

He'll never learn. He's
genetically incapable of commitment.

Hello?
We've been trying to tell you.

You have to make him realize it.

Use magic to make Chett realize
he's not ready to settle down.

- Otherwise, he won't stop bugging you.
- It won't take much.

Just zap up some tiny
relationship problem

and watch him run away screaming.

That's a great idea.

- Chett, I'm carrying your baby.
- What?

That's a tiny relationship problem?

I was thinking more like, uh,
leaving the top off the toothpaste.

Yeah, right. Quit yanking me.

Come, you dog! Now you die!

Does this look like I'm yanking you?

What'd you do?
Swallow a coleman lantern?

That's what genie tummies look
like when we're... with child.

Look, you're not pregnant.
You can't be.

All we did was kiss.
People don't get pregnant from a kiss.

But genies can.
You see, it was three weeks

after the beaver moon
which is a highly charged time.

It just takes a tiny jolt of
electricity to make a genie pregnant.

Oh.

So I guess you're sorry you
ever got involved with me.

S-sorry? We'll be together, Lis.

- Huh?
- Huh?

I'll be a dad. This is great.

- You mean... you're not upset?
- No way.

This is the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Whoa. Did not see that coming.

Chett, think about what you're saying.

You are staring down a
double-barreled showgun--

parenthood and monogamy.

So I have to give up being a
jobless loser who collects g*ns

and lives with his folks to
spend the rest of my life

with a beautiful magic genie.
Oh, poor me.

- You mean you would've stuck by me?
- Would've?

Um, I have a confession to make.
I'm not really pregnant.

- But you got that cute little gut light.
- It's fake.

Watch, I'll make it go away.

- Uh-oh.
- What's wrong?

Why is it still glowing?

I must've put too much oomph in my zap.

I accidentally made myself pregnant.

For real.

I always dreamt of having a baby

but I never wanted to
make it all by myself.

Yeah. Zapping yourself pregnant
pretty much skips the golden part.

- Can I touch?
- Keep your meat-hooks off my kid.

Weren't you listening?
You're not the dad.

Well, I am now.

Lucky for Lisa, she's got
a real man standing by--

a proud marine who's ready
to fall on this baby grenade.

You mean you're sticking with me?
Even though it's not yours?

You betcha.

What do you think about "Clint Donnelly"?

Or if it's a girl, "Brick". We
could call her "Little Brickie."

Wow.
I was really wrong about you.

I'm sorry.

But there's no way in Hell
we're calling my baby "Brickie."

- Now, "Cletus" there's a name.
- Or if it's my boy, "Shemp."

Deal.
Maybe having a baby will by fun.

Fun? Am I the only one her

who is concerned about bringing
a living, breathing creature

into this all-too-harsh world
when none of us know

- what the hell we're doing?
- It's kicked.

It's kicked!

Ooh, ooh, ooh! Let me feel.

Fully automatic.

Nice action. Recoil's not bad.

Let's put it in the cart.
I'm heading over to baby bottles.

Right behind you.
I want in on the nipple test.

Rebel leader, alpha dog!
incoming. Roof! Roof! Roof!

[ imitating expl*si*n ]

And Donnelly eats a grenade
to save the battalion.

Rocko! My man!

- What are you doing here in baby town?
- Are you kidding?

Got to shock up.
New recruit on the way.

- The missus is a real Fertile Myrtle.
- You remember my little girl--

Patton.

Oh, she's so adorable.

Come here and give your
Uncle Chett a big hug.

Hug this.

- [ groaning ]
- [ Patton giggling ]

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Direct hit!

Hmm.

After you take a few shots in
the old tropic of capricorn chester,

- the cup becomes standard gear.
- [ groaning ]

Why don't you give
Uncle Chett a good hug?

[ retching ]

That she blows.

Relax, Chester. Kids do that.

Your kid will do that.
All part of being a dad.

All part of being a dad.
All part of being a dad.

Hey, hey, hey.

There he is now. There's the dad.

- The big, proud papa.
- Hoo-willie That's me.

Where you going?

Oh, uh... just taking my
luggage out to be cleaned.

- He's not coming back.
- Hey, guys,

is it normal for a pregnant lady
to get cravings for potpourri?

It makes my breath smell like christmas.

[ engine revving ]

Hey, where's my man going?

- Lis, you still got us.
- I want Chett.

- We'll be the best dads in history.
- Lots of expensive toys.

Nothing buys a kid's affection
like a good expensive toy.

And love. We'll do love, too.

I want Chett.

[ sighing ]

You have got the life, Mr. Pigoen.

Your lady lays an egg and
you just fly away, free as a...

- [ cooing ]
- Well, as a pigeon.

Trouble, Chester?

- Assistant Principal Scampi.
- That's "Principal Scampi" now.

Just when I thought my day
couldn't bite any more.

We're in the park, old foe--
neutral ground.

I find the great outdoors to
be a panacea for troubled souls.

My girl is pregnant... by her own hand.

[ sighs ]
Chester, Chester, Chester.

When will you learn to simply take
responsibility for your actions?

You don't understand.
I'm not ready to be a dad.

One rarely is.

You'll grow into it but don't squander
this precious gift you've been given.

- Come on.
- I always wanted to have children

of my own but I have a condition
dating back to my disco days--

studio 54, Donna Summer
a gilded dance cage and

extremely tight jordache jeans...
but I don't need to paint you a picture.

- Ouch.
- Ouch, indeed.

But I've channeled my paternal
urges into matters principalian,

helping young people reach
their full potential.

You give.
They give back to you tenfold.

Oh.

SCAMPI: Tenfold.

[ martial artists yelling ]

Hey, kids. Daddy's a little dry.

Thanks.

[ sniffs ] Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Somebody needs changing.

Much better. Thanks, kids.

Maybe you're right.

Maybe I'm right?

This is quite a moment-- The day
I got through to Chester Donnelly.

I'm... proud of you...

- son.
- Move it or lose it.

Breathe. Breathe.

Bite me. Bite me. Oh!

Lisa, your man is back-- tanned,
rested and commitment-ready.

Move, loser. We're having a baby.

- Lost your chance Kaw-Chang.
- Now? Baby now?

Yes. Oh!

Lisa, I'm so sorry I punked
out on you but don't worry.

I'm here now. I wish
I could take the pain away

- and go through this for you.
- Oh, you're such a doll.

Here you go.

[ yelling ]

Is that a load off.

What have you done?

- You're pregnant.
- There goes your boyish figure.

[ groaning ] Drugs.

I want drugs.

You're doing great, for a guy.

Of course, the pain gets a little
sharper when the contractions come.

You mean, I haven't had...?
[ screaming ]

Hello! We got an emergency here.

Hey. Hi. We need a doctor.

- My brother's having a baby!
- Hmm?

[ grunting ]

[ yelling ]

- What was that?!
- It's the contractions.

- It's making the baby zap-happy.
- [ yells ]: Get me a doctor!

I think I'm dilating.

We're running out of time.

Grab a doctor and
I'll find an empty room.

[ screaming ]

Wait!
How are we going to find him?

- [ screaming ]
- Never mind.

- [ gasping ]
- Try not to focus on the pain.

There is no pain. No pain.

[ rumbling ]

The pain is tremendous!

Uh! This is stupid.

When we find a doctor what
are we supposed to say?

We've got a pregnant guy in room
104 who's going to drop a pup?

That's why we need to
find the perfect doctor.

Someone resourceful, crafty
billiant, yet demented.

A renegade b*stard.

Ah.

[ chuckles ]

Mmm.

[ sighs ]

We have a winner.

Now, don't you be getting
too comfy there, fella.

I paid perfectly good, US legal
tender for this private boudoir.

Don't you yell at him.
I'm responsible for this.

I'm sorry, Chett. I didn't believe
you were ready for commitment.

But as you lie here squirming
in agony I'm reminded with

every anguished grunt and
tortured scream that

you've matured into a real man.

The kind of man I can have
an honest relationship with.

Why don't you crawl under the
sheets and whisper that in my ear?

- You are incredible.
- You are two twisted little horny toads.

I'm calling security.

You're having Lucifer's baby!

So, what exactly are his symptons, hmm?

Uh... distended belly.
Violent mood swings.

- Uh, tender n*pples.
- Excuse me?

Well, he is lactating.

[ snorts ]:
Sounds like your brother's pregnant.

Your words.

- [ Chett panting ]
- [ gasping ]

That's fantastic.

How do you feel, son?

Like I swallow a pack of rabid
wolverines and one raw pork chop.

Oh, I bet you do.
You're lucky you came to see me.

I'm probably the only doctor
in the world with the courage

to embrace the impossible.

Other doctors would look at
that distended bag of flesh

- and see a freak of nature.
- [ sighs ]

I see a man heavy with child
crying out for the tender

ministrations that only these...
healing hands can provide.

Looks like the baby's
inherited Lisa's magic

- and Chett's poor sense of timing.
- What do we do?

I think we should... ow!

Fire in the hole!

Look. The baby!

That's a baby!

Pure genie energy. A star child.

[ cooing ]

You did good. I'm proud of you.

Look at him... her... it.

- Our baby.
- He's not just our baby;

he belongs to the universe.
Watch.

[ crashing ]

[ thunderous roaring ]

[ "Also Spracht Zarathustra" playing ]

Cootchie-cootchie-coo.
Who's got the cute little tum-tum?

Come on, come on, big burp
for Uncle Wy-Wy.

Cletus and Fetus is an
omnipotent star-being

- with god-like cosmic awareness.
- I think she finds it reassuring.

- [ telepathically ]: dweebs.
- Idiot.

- I'm rubbering, and you're glue, pal.
- Knock it off,

you two punks or I will blast
you into sub-atomic particles.

- I think somebody needs a nap.
- Looking for a timeout, Cletus?

[ giggling ]