01x08 - Poconos

[bunniefuu]

The cicadas buzzed as Mama
Tess scrubbed my shoulders.

I watched the dirty water
run over cuts and scrapes

on my weary ebony skin.

I thought of the scars
on Mama Tess's back-"

Okay, David.

Why don't we stop there?

What? I just started.

I know I just...

I'm not sure
it's appropriate for you

to be writing in the voice
of a young sl*ve girl.

But I did a ton of research.

I've been working
on this for months.

I'm sorry,

I just don't think this
is your story to tell.

I mean...I wouldn't
play her in the movie.

Alright, why don't we
stop here for the day?

Oh, and some exciting news,

Yael Golding will be
attending next week's reading.

Yael Golding!?

She's like my favorite
living author!

And now I've got nothing!

Oh, Robert Louis Stevenson wrote

Jekyll and Hyde in three days.

I'm sure you'll come
up with something.

Ugh.

[construction sounds]

Gah!

Yo, looks like they're
finally replacing the uh...

the infrastructure pipes.

-You excited?
-No.

I've got three days to write
a masterpiece from scratch

but it's impossible
with all this racket!

You know David,

if you're looking for a

nice quiet place to work,

my Uncle Kenny's actually
got a nice little cabin

up in the Poconos.

You're totally welcome to
go up there for the weekend.

Oh, thanks, but I just
wouldn't want to,

you know, impose
on your Uncle...

Nah it's all good don't
worry about it he's dead.

Ah. I'm s-- what?

I'm telling you you're
gonna love this place dude.

It's nice and secluded,

you got the pine
trees everywhere,

you got the rustic charm....

And it's not like some Hoagies

"Deliverance"
type thing up there?

Nah, nah, nah my inbred cousins,

they live in the Pine Barrens.

Ah.

[adventure music]

Ugh.

Hm...not too shabby, Mark...

Alright. Here we go...
just let it flow.

[Tammy and Mark outside]
Oh this place is cute, Mark!

What with the logs and all,

-I love it.
-I know! It's classic, right?

You've gotta be kidding me...

[♪♪♪♪♪]

♪ Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory. ♪

♪ Until them
robots came along. ♪

♪ And now
there is no job for me ♪

♪ But I get 3,000
bucks a month ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI

♪ Now we're
Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not
sound like much. ♪

♪ But we're
still gonna try ♪

♪ We're just
Universal Basic Guys ♪

Yo that spot right there is
where the gerbil exploded!

- Oh...

Oh man we got so
many memories here.

I can't wait for you guys to
experience all the traditions.

Ooh maybe we can
go snowshoeing...

Okay well hold on there's like
a whole itinerary here Tam.

Yo Jinglebells!

You finish your book?

I've been here thirty minutes...

I didn't realize you
were also gonna be here.

Ah you know it baby!

So you excited for the classic
Mark Hoagies Poconos Weekend?

What? No. I came here to write.

Exactly.

We're gonna give you
a ton of material.

We're a buncha goofballs.

-Yeah that's not what I-
-Ah don't worry, David.

We'll be out of your
hair and on the slopes.

Ah okay,

so you're gonna be
skiing the whole weekend?

I'll be skiing.

Mark and Hank are
going sledding.

Uh, snow tubing!
Totally different.

Come on. Snow tubing is just
for people who can't ski.

Woah woah woah.

I know how to ski, okay.

I just prefer snow tubing.

Mark gets a little insecure that
his wife does black diamonds

while he's on the bunny slopes.

Aw that's ridiculous.

Snow tubing is a Hoagies
Poconos tradition!

Okay great.

Well Darren and I
are going skiing,

maybe get some hot chocolate...

Mom, I said I don't
want to go skiing.

Hell yeah. Team
tubing. Let's go Dar!

Uh...no I'm not tubing either.

Oh come on Darren.
What kid doesn't want to go

super fast down a mountain

in an inner tube?

Do you like consciously
make an effort

to not know anything about me?

- Please go Darren.

[loud game]

Oooh you're an ugly one.
You're an ugly one.

Come and get it.
Ooh, eat it!

Yeah you like that!?
Bee-yotch!

Fricken skiing elitist
Tammy wants to belittle

a time-honored Hoagies
tradition like snow tubing?

Pfft, wait until we tell her
we did a double black diamond.

Uh...you sure about this Mark?

Uh yes, Hank.

If anything this
is probably safer.

I mean you're in
an inflated tube.

You're basically riding an
airbag down the mountain.

Excuse me?

- What's up chief?

No inner tubes
on the ski slopes.

Okay well that's discrimination.

How is that discrimination?

The mountain is for everyone,

it shouldn't matter what
equipment we choose to love,

we all share the same gravity.

- Enough.

If we hit a tree,
do we not bleed?

Can I get security to
the top of Pine Run?

Hank! Go go go go go!!!

Here we go duuuuuude.

Cancel that.
Can I get the coroner

to the bottom of Pine Run?

[relaxing music]

[sigh]
Mmm.

[crash!]

Oh my god! The hell!?

Nailed it.

[loud game]

Yes?

Uh, would you mind
putting headphones on?

Why?

Well, it's a little
hard to write with you

blasting this active sh**ter
game or whatever this is.

It's a zombie game, David.

Well can't you play
Sudoku or something?

Thank you.

[sigh]

[voices downstairs]
No Tammy!

[voices downstairs]]
What it is, is discrimination.

We should be filing a
lawsuit against them!

No! Come onnnn.

Stupid idea to come
here, so stupid.

Hey, there David.

You wanna play
some games with us?

No.

What happened to ski tubing?

Oh,

Shaun White Hoagies over
there got us banned.

Well maybe there's another
mountain that's like...

open all night.

Nah. Storm's already started.

Wait... storm!?

Oh no.

No! Ughhhh.

Okay,

let the Board Game
Olympics begin!

Hank, hit it.

[loud air horn]

Do I have to do this?

Darren you know, I was
really hoping to make

one of those viral videos where
the stepdad surprises the kid

with adoption papers but first

I'm gonna need you to at least
try and make an effort here.

I'm going upstairs.

Oh c'mon, Dar.

Why don't we play
something together.

I don't want to play
with you guys.

You just end up
arguing the whole time.

Oh that's not true.
We're having fun!

Right, Mark?


it's time for our first event:

Extreme Ball Blasters.

That's not a board game.
That's a toy.

What are you talking about!?
It's a game and there's a board.

You just sh**t metal
ba*ls at each other! -See?

Alright alright fine, okay.
We'll skip to the second event:

Wienerland.

Oh hell yeah.

Oh come on.
That game is all luck.

Ooh that's not true, Tam.
You gotta know all the colors.

Why can't we just play
a mature board game,

like Scrabble here?

Tam nobody here plays that.
That's like decoration.

Yeah right.
You're just saying that

'cause I'm gonna
mop the floor with yous.

Where's all the letter tiles?

Oh Hank flushed them down
the toilet years ago.

Why on Earth would
you do that Hank?

Oh I was trying to send a
message to the Ninja Turtles.

Uh huh...

Well there's gotta be some
good board games somewhere.

I'm gonna check the cellar.

I wouldn't do that, Tam.

What do you mean? Why not?

It's just...you know...we...

we don't really
go in the cellar.

It's kind of a house rule.

Since when do you
care about rules?

Well there's just
certain important rules

that we respect and one
of them is, you know:

we do “not ” go in
the creepy cellar.

Are you scared of the cellar?

Oh get outta here.
That's ridiculous.

-Afraid of the cellar--
-Oh my god. You are.

You so are.

Well I'm going down there.

[door creaks]

[scary music]

"Witch Trials."

Oooh. Baby.

Look what I found. Hehehe.

Absolutely not.

Hard no!

Ooh that's the forbidden game.

- The forbidden game?

Uncle Kenny was very clear:

we're not allowed to play that.

You do realize
you're adults now.

Okay I gotta be honest, Tam.

You're really throwing
off the vibes here.

I'm trying to show
you and Darren

my most cherished
family traditions

and you're just
fully going rogue.

Mark, not everyone has
fun the same way you do.

God forbid we do
something I wanna do.

Oh boy. Here we go.

Uh, what's goin on?

What the hell?

Woah.

Woah there.

Welcome... to the witch trials!

-What?
-Oh my God.

Welp. Great job, Tam.

Now we've got a fricken
Jumanji situation.

Yo,

is this like some sort
of immersive AR thing?

Nah nah Dar,
this is an old-school,

classic magical game.

You see back in the old days,

if you wanted to have
an immersive experience,

you had to play a
magical forbidden game.

Uh, did you know this
was gonna happen?

Pfft I mean I had an idea...

Why didn't you say something!?

Tammy, it's a creepy game

in my creepy uncle's
creepy cellar.

The hell did you think
was gonna happen?

Not this!?

Well, you should have
stuck to the itinerary.

Your attention, please
as I explain the rules.

You have one simple objective.

These four women are
on trial for witchcraft.

Your team must decide
which...is the witch!

I mean I think I've got
a pretty good idea here.

You're going down, Tam.

Hah, no chance.

You forget I got a
PhD in true crime.

In order to determine
who the witch is

you'll need to question
various townspeople.

Ugh! Skip. Skip.

Is there a skip button?

Knock it off, will ya?

You only get five
questions per turn,

so consult with
your teammates...

Okay and I'm out.

Oh come on, Dar.

The guy said it's a
team strategy game.

We can't agree on anything.

It's hopeless.

Therefore, I forfeit. Ah!

There's no quitting in
a game of life or death.

MWUHAHAHAH!

Life or death!?

[bang, bang!]

Uh...Mark? Are we
expecting someone?

Hank, get the door, please.

Hello, there. I live next door,
I thought I'd pop on over,

see if you wanted me
to plow your driveway.

Ooooh. Are you playing one of
Kenny's magical games!?

I always wanted to play
but he'd never let me.

Oh, well you should come play.

Oh thanks!

What's the game?

It's real easy.
You just gotta like

figure out which one's
the witch or something.

Oh...I bet it's the black girl.

Okay, that's a little r*cist.

Is that your
official accusation?

Eh, sure.

Incorrect!

Arrrrrghhhhhhh!

Yo, what?

Oh. My. God.

He's...

he's gonna respawn, right?

Shouldn't have
skipped the rules.

Only the Jury Foreman can
make official accusations.

Who's the jury foreman?

You!

Okay I'll admit.

Got Darren in the
old timey wig there.

That's pretty funny.

Mark! We need to
take this seriously!

Don't look at me,
I mean you're the one

who haaaad to play the
fricken forbidden game.

I warned you dude.

Ugh.

Woah...

uh..okay.
Are you a ghost?

Am I having a stroke?

Is this like a Shining thing?

No.
I just want to explore a bit

before I get sucked back
into the game again.

Okay...so I am hallucinating.

Oh man.

I have such a low
reishi tolerance.

So why aren't you out
there playing the game?

Well I have to write a novella
from scratch in three days

which is why I came up
here in the first place,

so I could be alone

and of course the
fricken idiot brigade

just shows up and I can't focus.

Why is God so mean to me?!

Sounds rough.

Ugh. You don't even
know the half of it.

Anyway, what's your deal?

I'm a sl*ve.

Oh.

Uh,

sorry to hear that...

So you're a writer?

I actually taught
myself how to read.

That's why everyone in the
village thinks I'm a witch.

Interesting...

you know,
I'd actually be curious

to get your thoughts
on something...

I think you're gonna like it.

Okay, big money,
big money no whammies.

Boom!

You may ask the
reverend five questions.

Okay. Watch and learn.

Hun, remember, we're a team.

How we doin' pal?

Fine.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Three questions remaining.

Stop wasting questions!

Okay level with me here, Father.

Yo she's a witch, right?

Probably.

Boom. There it is.

He could be lying!

You're not lying to me,
are you pal?

No.
I'm a man of god.

Great, Tam.
Now I look like a jerk.

One more question.

Mark! Consult with
your teammates.

Trust me Tam,

she's gotta be the
witch. I mean the warts,

the big nose. Look at that.

That's like a classic
witch right there okay?

I'd like to solve the puzzle!

Stop rushing.

We just watched a
guy burn to death.

Well, maybe he'd be alive

if we played Ball
Blasters, okay? Just sayin'.

Would you just ask him if
he's seen anything suspicious.

Tammy, you know,

you've already hijacked
our classic Poconos weekend

and now you won't even
let me do my turn.

I will ask the questions,
thank you very much.

Father, let me ask you. Uh...

you seen anything
suspicious, or?

Indeed.

I witnessed Eleanor over there
in the parish kitchen

sprinkling eye of newt
into a cauldron.

Okay now that's a twist.

You got the fricken
lizard eyeballs?

Yo that's a classic witch thing.
It's gotta be the nun.

[sniffs]

Mark,
this ain't newt eyes.

It's mustard seed.

That's what they used
to call it back in the day.

I mean witches eat
mustard too, Tam.

I'm gonna be honest, David.

I can't even make
it through this.

What? Why not!?
I did tons of research!

Did you get to the part
about Osnaburg fabric?

I did yeah.
That's definitely what we wear.

Yes indeed.

So, would you say
it's authentic?

I guess.

Haha! I did it!

Suck it, writers group!

Edith?

Okay, Mr. Blacksmith,

have you ever seen any of these
girls doing anything strange?

Indeed.

The other day I saw
Agnes behind the stables,

kissing... a girl.

Ohhh boy, that chick's
definitely the witch.

Kissing girls?
I mean that's “Classic ”

sexy witch stuff right there.

It's just like that
movie with Bette Midler

where they all make out.

What version of Hocus
Pocus did you watch?

I don't know what that is.

Three questions remaining.

Ugh, Mark!

Would you stop
messin' up my turn?

Okay, Mr. Blacksmith,

have you ever seen Margaret
do anything strange?

Never seen anything myself,

but you know she's
always in a rotten mood.

Yelling at her husband
and what not.

[cackling]

Ohh yeah,
that's a witch alright!

Can you tell me more
about Margaret's husband?

Oh, he's a real piece of work.

Always running off doing
crazy things with his brother,

the village idiot.
Heard he commandeered a horse

and tried to make it do some
sort of backflip maneuver.

Said it was his
"signature move."

Guy sounds pretty cool actually.

Yeah.

Did this husband of hers
ever check with his wife

before he did these things?

Nope.

That was your final question.

Dammit, Tam.

Hell yeah. Fourteen.

You have rolled a 12.

You have 60 seconds
to question the Baker.

Oooh what's that?
Some kind of witch goo?

Ooh good catch, dude.

It's dough.

Oh my god. Hank! C'mon.

So you're telling me
that blob right there

is gonna become bread?

Yes.

Man. How far in the
future do you live?

Actually this game takes
place 300 years in the past.

Whoa.
Now that's a twist.

Two questions remaining.

Hank,
let's work as a team here.

Okay.
What should I ask?

You should ask about the spell
Agnes cast on my bread.

Oh. Okay uh...

so what kind of spell did
Agnes cast on your bread?

One day I caught her
speaking in tongues.

And it turned out she turned
all my bread into crackers!

Uh, witch alert!

We're dead.

It's time to make
your final accusation.

You have two minutes
to deliberate.

The foreman makes
the final decision.

Choose carefully...

or die!

Muahahaha!

Oh no.

Oh there you are! Um...

Can you just do
me a quick favor?

Can I just get a quick
video of you saying

that you found my novel
like super authentic

and powerful or whatever?

Okay go.

Uh...

Wait what the hell?

Why aren't you
showing up on here?!

Damnit!

I forgot you're just a fricken
figment of my imagination.

Ugh.
Ugh. I'm screwed.

I'm screwed!!!

Alright team listen up,

so they're obviously
all witches. We agree.

Let's do this.
We're ready.

Mark, no.

Tam You gotta trust
me on this one.

I got great witch-dar.

When I watched Wizard of Oz
for the first time,

I knew exactly
who the witch was.

I called it right off the bat.

Uh her name was
"The Wicked Witch of the West."

Yeah but also the socks.

I mean come on. Tam,
I know witches. Okay,

I got witches in my family!

Mark I think it's pretty obvious

that the whole point
of this game is that

there are No Real Witches!

It was just a bunch of
ignorant, fearful people

making baseless accusations.

So how do you square
that with the fact that

all these women are
obviously witches!?

They're not witches!

Eleanor was just making mustard
and Agnes is g*y.

Yeah, but what about
the bread spell?

Speaking in tongues?
Turning bread into crackers?

She's Jewish, Hank.

Time's almost up.

Tam, how are you gonna tell me

that the fricken one with
the warts is not a witch?

I mean look, she's a classic
fricken witch right there.

Oh come on.
She's obviously not a witch!

She's just frustrated with
her husband's reckless antics.

Oh come on Tam
that's ridiculous.

Stop! Stop!

I'm sick of you both
arguing all the time.

Thirty seconds remaining...

Darren, now's not the
time to get into this--

No. It's exactly the
time to get into this

because if you would both would
just listen to each other,

you could figure it out.

I'm actually an
excellent listener.

I listen very long-form
podcasts occasionally.

You think they're
literally all witches

when Mom clearly showed
you the evidence was bad.

Exactly.
None of 'em are witches.

Tell 'em Dar.

No. You're wrong, mom.

What are you talking about!?
You said it yourself.

There's no witches.
There's no magic!

Except there is magic!

It's literally a magical game.

Which means it was
made by a witch.



-3...
-I'm ready to make my

-2...
-my final accusation:

-1...
-the witch is...

“Margaret! ”

-Oh jeez...
-Woah.

What?! No!
Dar what are you doing--

That is...

correct!

Margaret?
The classic witch?

Uh...who would make
a game that stupid!

It was made by Hoagies!

The game can definately
be that stupid.

Oh my god.
- Oh yeah?

How about that?

That's my great
great Aunt Margaret.

Yeah, apparently she was
a witch or something.

Mom, you were so busy

trying to figure
everything out yourself,

you weren't listening
when Mark literally said

he had witches in his family.

Huh.

Yo. Looks like
we got a regular

Encyclopedia Brown over here.

Well done, children.

Why in the hell
would you make a game

that could k*ll
your descendants?

The game was meant
to keep curious,

naughty little children
out of my workshop.

Luckily, you're a good team...

well except for
that guy over there.

Alright, well,

back to the spirit world we go!

[cackling!]

Go birds!

I've got nothing!

I have a once-in-a-
lifetime chance

to impress Yael fricken Golding

and I've got nothing!

Argh!
Maybe Andrea is right.

I'm not a writer!

I should just go back
to being a stupid lawyer

and stop this charade.

I don't even like writing!!

Uh, you okay, David?

Maybe you're putting too
much pressure on yourself.

Stop trying to write the
next great American novel

and just write something fun.

Fun?

What does that even mean?

I don't know.
Stop trying to impress people

and think of something
that gets you excited.

And then just let it rip.

Oh my god,

did you see that?

His head freakin' exploded!

Hell yeah!

Edith?

Hehe, yo, we did it!

Well Tam, I gotta say,

that game was actually
pretty fricken awesome.

Thanks, hun.

I guess when we
listen to each other

we make a pretty good team.

Hey, we do make a pretty
good team right...

wink wink...

You know,

I've got an idea
for a new classic

Hoagies Poconos weekend activity
if you know what I mean...

Ooh Wienerland?

You could say that.

Oh god,
maybe I prefer you guys

not listening to each other.

Oh, Mark! This is so crazy!

Yeah!

I can't believe we're doing this
in the bed Uncle Kenny died in.

Think of something
that gets you excited.

Let it rip.

Uh-huh!

[fast typing]

Yes, yes.

I mean I do got
witches in my family

you know what I mean?

Mark, I gotta say these
are actually pretty good.

Yo I know right?
Yeah the cheesesteak pancakes,

those are a classic
Poconos Weekend tradition.

Yo, there he is! You finish?

Hahahaha.
Yes, Mark.

So did we inspire any ideas?

Oh yes.

Very much so.

Awesome dude.

Oh and Darren,
got a little surprise for you.

Uh...what are you doing Mark?

Why don't you call me Dad.

I'm gonna be your
Dad now, buddy.

Nah...I'm good.

Love you too, son!
He's getting emotional.

Didn't want it on
camera, you know.

And now I'd like to
welcome up...David!

Yo let's go, Jinglebells!

Let it rip, baby!
Let's go!

The sharp smell of
pine filled my nostrils

as I drove up the
winding mountain

towards the estate.

On the radio, the news
warned of a virus,

infecting the brains of people
in the Philadelphia area.

He grunted in his stupid accent:

"Guys Day. Guys Day!
That's classic."

I ripped the three-thousand
dollar crossbow from his hands

and RAT-TAT-TAT,

lit him up like Boathouse Row.

Oh, god.

I jammed the frozen hot
dogs through his eyes

and into his hollow skull.

...I admired their rotting
corpses on the spiked fence

while I sipped my tea

and basked in the silence.

It's horrible. Just awful.

Incredible, David.
That was great!

Yeah, you like that?

Nailed it, dude.

Let's get out of here.