[phone line ringing]
- [video call connects]
- [Koa] Mom?
Yeah?
[Koa] I'm just looking
for this...
[Chris] Oh, yeah.
[Koa] ...notebook with
the brown cover.
[Chris] His notebook
with the brown cover on it,
we seem to not be able
to find it.
It's in that basket.
It's cardboard.
It's not a brown cover.
- [Koa] Find it.
- Okay, can you find it?
[Koa] Yeah.
[Chris] Let's see.
[Aurlie Athan]
As experts and psychologists,
we have long known
that becoming a mother
is a catalyst
for radical change.
[director] So, ready and action.
One, two.
[reporter] Kimmy Fasani up next,
a household name
in snowboarding.
She's got an unbelievable story.
[Athan] Motherhood
is a confrontation
with both life and death.
It's one of the few experiences
where you understand
what it takes to bring life
into this world,
and also the preciousness
of that life.
And you might even encounter
a death-defying experience
along the way.
But the culture and the science
has remained silent
on this for so long.
It's the biggest story
never told.
[introspective music]
[wind whistling]
[wind howling]
These ideas really started
in the identity development
theories of our foremothers,
many of whom were actually
psychologists and theorists
who became mothers
and then finally used the tools
of their own science to explain
what was going on for them.
And they talked about this idea
of an identity change,
a "me" change.
That doesn't happen overnight.
[vacuum whirring]
[barking]
[Kimmy Fasani] Typical me,
I already have an email drafted,
and it's basically
fill-in-the-blanks,
like a Mad Lib, you know?
All Chris had to do was put in
the name and what happened.
The doctor yesterday warned me,
she's like, "You know, you might
have a higher than normal
pain tolerance because of
everything you've been through."
- So, like...
- [woman on phone] Definitely.
[laughs] So, like,
don't wait too long.
[fire crackling]
[soft music playing on stereo]
When I became pregnant,
I was at the highest peak
I'd ever got to in snowboarding,
a passion that I had
developed a career from.
It says, "Get ready.
It's time to get
your hospital bag
and documents ready.
It'd be the perfect time
to go to the hospital."
What I had seen happen
to women before me
was that as soon as
they chose to become moms,
they all of a sudden
were no longer...
a professional
snowboarder anymore.
I think it's a boy.
[Kimmy] But I knew I wanted
to start a family,
and I had no intention
of slowing down.
[gentle music]
[Judy Fasani]
This is June 7th, 1988.
It's supposed to be summer.
It is summer.
But summer in the mountains
sometimes has lots of snow.
Kimmy's trying to get
the trampoline all uncovered.
Smart girl.
[Kimmy] My mom had
the strongest work ethic I know.
She was a single mom,
and she was an OR nurse.
She worked full-time.
[Judy] I had to dig Kimmy's snow
clothes out of the back room.
Rough year for gardening.
[Kimmy] We lived in a cabin
at the highest place
you could live in Truckee.
We were always
inundated by snow.
If the school bus got stuck,
she would walk outside
with her can of ashes
from our fireplace and put it
under the school bus tires.
She had this ability
to do anything.
[Judy] There's our wood
in the yard for the winter.
We can still see the neighbors.
[Kimmy] My mom had me
when she was 39 years old,
and that was about 40 years ago.
She was never married
to my dad, who struggled with alcoholism.
He was a loving man,
and yet he had
a toxic lifestyle.
My mom was doing
everything on her own,
and so she raised me
to be very independent.
[Judy] Pump!
[Kimmy] She had
a meditation practice,
which I didn't
really understand,
but I knew to be still with her.
[Kimmy in video]
Merry Christmas.
- We're cooking breakfast.
- Merry Christmas!
[Kimmy] I wasn't just her
daughter, I was her partner.
We were each other's soulmates.
And she was kind of
a ski bum at heart,
so when I asked her if I could
learn how to snowboard,
she decided to
let me have a try.
[Judy] Well, here comes Kimmy.
She's just learning
to use this board.
[Kimmy] I'll never forget
that feeling,
stepping onto that snowboard,
trying something new
that not even my mom
knew how to do.
Snowboarding was the first time
I realized my own desire.
There was something there
that I needed.
When I had just
graduated eighth grade,
my dad got diagnosed
with cancer.
And within just a few months,
he was gone.
[somber music]
Snowboarding broke me away
from that pain of loss.
[Judy] Come on, baby.
[woman] All right! Whoo!
[announcer]
And here comes Kimmy Fasani!
- [crowd cheering]
- This girl rips!
[Kimmy] It just made me happy.
[Judy] So, Kimmy, what's
the, uh, game plan for today?
Game plan?
I have a lot of homework,
but probably not gonna do it.
[man in video] Yeah, Kimmy!
[Kimmy] I moved to Mammoth.
All the pros lived here.
I wanted to pursue
professional snowboarding.
- [laughing]
- [man] Now hold it up.
[Kimmy] And I got sponsors,
and I started traveling
and filming.
[man] Kimmy at the lift
in three...
[Kimmy] It was a dream job.
["Selfish Soul" by
Sudan Archives playing]
Time I feed my selfish soul
Whoo!
- [man in video] Hell yeah!
- [Judy] Hi, honey, it's just me.
I was just reading about you
last night.
You are absolutely amazing.
[Kimmy] The whole lifestyle
of snowboarding
is what makes it so addicting.
You're living your passion,
you're outdoors,
you're riding with your friends.
Doesn't get better than that.
- Arrr! Arrr!
- [all laughing]
We decided to host
a pirate theme party
for an opening
of a new snowboard movie.
[partygoers laughing,
chattering]
Hello, mate.
[Chris Benchetler]
I was a skier.
My brother was a snowboarder.
And we worked at
the ice cream parlor in town.
It was the perfect job.
Opened at three o'clock,
and you could shred all day.
Kimmy came in and she's like,
"Are you Peter's brother?"
And I said, "Yeah."
And she said, "I heard
you lost your father.
I lost my father.
If you ever wanna talk..."
My dad died of cancer as well.
Kimmy was the first person
I had opened up with.
We connected on a deep level
pretty immediately.
Hey! I love you.
- [Kimmy] You love me?
- Yeah, Kim.
[gasps]
[Kimmy] Chris and I fell in love
the first time we met.
She opened my eyes
to the depth of a human.
Her mom was
very reluctant of me.
I was underage. Kimmy was 19.
She's like, "Are you kidding me?
Have you asked his mom?"
[Kimmy] We were both on
this journey to be the best
that we could be in our sport.
[Chris] She's always been
so driven and so powerful.
Yeah, Kimmy!
[Kimmy]
I earned a spot in Alaska,
the biggest playground
that you can snowboard in.
And I just felt like
I had come home to myself.
[Chris] I started bringing
my art into my skiing.
[Kimmy] We were both
hitting our peak.
They did these double backflips
together, which is amazing.
I don't want no struggles,
I don't want no fears
I don't want no struggles,
I don't want no fears
I don't want no struggles,
I don't want no...
[Chris] Kimmy, you just
landed a double backflip.
[Kimmy] That's so sick!
[reporter] Look at the video
out of Mammoth,
just right on the edge.
Time I embrace
my self and soul
Time I feed my selfish soul
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Look how far we've come!
There was always
a new limit to push.
We were never content.
[Chris] Kimmy and I were just
ships passing in the night.
"I'll meet you at this airport
for a kiss."
[Kimmy] We were free.
[camera shutter clicks]
[announcer] And your Women's
Rider of the Year is...
Kimmy Fasani!
[cheering, applause]
I want to dedicate
this award to my mom.
She couldn't be here tonight.
I love her so much.
She introduced me
to the mountains.
And I would have never
found snowboarding
if it wasn't for her support.
So, thank you, Judy!
[cheering, applause]
And yet there was
so much contradiction
at that point in my life.
Because a month
before that award,
my mom was diagnosed with
a really aggressive cancer.
[heartbeat thudding]
[Judy on recording] Pure joy...
is pure observation.
[Kimmy] She always asked me
if I was happy.
And as long as I said yes,
she never revisited it.
But I knew that she wanted
to watch me become a mom.
[heartbeat thudding continues]
[Judy on recording] Pure joy...
is total acceptance.
[Kimmy] I wanted that too.
But there was never a good time.
[Kimmy crying softly]
And it wasn't until she got sick
that I realized...
I'm gonna walk this path
of being a mom without her.
[gentle music]
You gave your mom
a hard time today.
Yeah.
Are you always gonna
give me a hard time?
- Hi.
- I got my wish.
I'm so happy
to finally meet you.
Ten months later.
Hi.
I see you.
[Koa fussing]
[wailing]
What's wrong?
[Koa fussing softly]
I was so full of love,
and I had
a beautiful birth plan.
But when I went in
for my C-section,
I remember being scared,
and for the first time
in a long time,
felt completely out of control.
The doctor just gave me the okay
to resume my normal
activity level.
Back out in the mountains
in Mammoth.
Feels so good to move again.
We wanted to be those people.
Our child didn't slow us down.
No matter how exhausted we were,
we just wanted to keep
our life the same.
[wind gusting]
You still awake back there?
We're just out wandering
in the woods.
[Kimmy] Koa,
you're almost ten months old.
[Chris] Dang.
Entering into 2019 winter.
Getting this dude ready
for the cold weather in Japan.
There are complications
of being a professional athlete.
Contracts are annual.
There's injury clauses in them.
You are on your own,
you're self-employed.
It is up to you to perform...
and not f*ck it up.
Is this possible with a child?
[Kimmy] All of my contracts
were up when I was pregnant.
And there was no protection
for pregnancy.
You were able to be terminated.
[Donna Carpenter]
Kimmy and I have become friends
over the years, and I got this
kind of formal text from her.
I remember calling her, and
she couldn't quite spit it out.
All of a sudden I was like, "Oh
my God, Kimmy, you're pregnant."
There was no policy.
But I said,
"Kimmy, let's pioneer this.
Let's see what this looks like."
[camera shutter clicks]
[Kimmy] I was gonna
do it differently.
I thought that
women can do it all.
[interviewer]
Do you still think that?
[laughs]
[upbeat music]
Hello.
[Athan]
There's a missing nomenclature
for the transition
to motherhood.
Media, unfortunately,
has sort of flattened it.
But this is about being
invited into our depth.
[Bellenbaum] Adolescence
gets a name, gets a label.
When we hear the word,
we automatically think
of just how complicated
and difficult it is
to move through that period
in a young person's life.
[Amber Thornton] For mothers, we
expect that they'd have a baby,
spend time with the baby,
and then go back
to the same thing.
Here's your six-week checkup,
and, on your own.
[Nicole Bolden]
You grew a human.
We forget the magnificence
of that, the grandeur of that.
We're not the same.
Matrescence is the developmental
process of becoming a mother.
It's going to affect and change
many, many areas of your life
that make you human,
biologically, neurologically,
relationally,
socially, existentially.
You go through something
akin to puberty.
It's a very disorienting time.
[Kimmy] I was really excited to
get back out into the mountains.
I had a nanny
that could travel with me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
The resort closes,
I think, at 3:45,
so I shouldn't be
more than 4:00.
But I think I painted it to be
a lot more simple than it was.
Okay, should we have them
lock the house?
[Chris]
Koa and Bridgette are here.
Oh, sorry. Yeah.
Come on, brain.
In the boot room,
I stupidly left my pump.
Stupid.
[Catherine Birndorf] There are
all these different aspects
of it that
contribute to the storm.
[Athan] Your brain is being
bathed in a lot of hormones.
[wind whistling]
It's starting to bring
tremendous neuroplasticity.
Your mind is changing.
[Bellenbaum] There's
a million things going on
in your mind all the time.
You're thrust into an extended
period of sleep deprivation.
And so it absolutely
contributes to this concept
that in some ways we kind of
joke about mom brain,
but what's really going on are
all of these enormous shifts.
[Birndorf] Women are sold
a bill of goods
that it's easy, natural,
blissful, perfect.
You'll get this,
everyone's done it before you,
don't worry about it.
And that's just not how it is.
[Koa crying]
[Kimmy] Baby has
another tooth coming in.
'Cause he's uncomfortable.
The non-dream-feed
totally backfired.
He normally can
do the dream-feed
and he's immediately out,
and then I can go to sleep.
So instead he woke up,
and he was up for an hour,
and wouldn't settle.
But I think it's because
I've been pumping so much
that my milk isn't...
When he has it,
it's not as hearty,
because I've been,
like, eliminating it
throughout the day.
And so I think
it's a combination
of him being hungry,
and it was just a bad night
to try to stop dream-feeding.
It's always something, though.
Definitely.
[Koa crying]
Is he standing or laying?
[Koa fussing]
[Koa grunting]
[director on radio]
All right, Kimmy, we're ready.
Whoa!
[Koa grunting]
[Kimmy shouts]
[Kimmy] That didn't work.
- [Koa screams]
- [Kimmy screams]
Do you think I'll be okay
if I'm not home for an hour?
[Bridgette on phone] Okay.
- Hi, Koa.
- [Koa crying]
I know, I know, I'm sorry,
I shouldn't have seen you.
- Okay, bye.
- [Bridgette] Bye.
Oh, I should just go home.
[Koa crying]
- [Koa crying]
- Hey, Koa. Come here, come here.
Yeah, what's going on?
- [Chris] He's like, I heard...
- What's going on?
[Koa crying]
[Bridgette & Chris
chattering indistinctly]
Yeah, yeah.
I love you.
[Kimmy] My body is doing things
that I've never
had it do before.
I haven't slept through
the night in ten months.
Not once.
Every morning
I wake up around 4:00,
and I would've
already been up, like,
two or three times
during the night.
From the moment I wake up,
I never really have time to
think about anything for myself.
Hot. Hot.
Koa won't take
a bottle that well,
and so it's a cycle
of trying to figure out
when to feed and pump.
[pump whirs]
He'll go down for his first nap
around 7:00 in the morning,
and then I get geared up
to go out there.
But my body is disconnected.
I don't feel like myself.
[Thornton] That first few weeks
back to work,
for that mom who might
be separating from her child
for the very first time,
what space is made for her
to grieve even that loss?
[gentle music]
There's these
opposing forces of...
who you were before,
but then also new motherhood.
[Kimmy] Just feeling stressed.
[Chris] I don't know
how to cure your anxiety
if you won't tell me
what you want me to do.
I don't think there's
any way to cure this.
It's just a new reality.
A lot of women want to kind of
get back to their old body.
They feel attached to maybe
who they were in the past.
But estrogen, progesterone drop.
And estrogen is really important
for things like muscle mass,
strength, coordination.
[Birndorf] Those of us
who are perfectionistic
or type A's struggle the most,
because somehow
you're gonna get it right.
Like, you can do motherhood
like you did your job.
You're super competent at that,
and you're gonna do it
right here, too. Ehh!
Hard hit.
[Bellenbaum]
This experience comes with
an enormous amount of joy.
These moments that
you can't even describe.
Like,
they're full-body experiences.
[Koa coos]
There's also an enormous
amount of grieving.
I miss my sense of control,
I miss my flexibility,
I miss my spontaneity,
I miss me.
We can feel two completely
different feelings,
we can have two completely
different thoughts,
or ten, all at the same time.
[Kimmy] We've had to give up a
lot of what makes us who we are.
Personally, it's taken
so much away from me.
I'm dealing with a different
body. I'm not as strong.
I just don't trust that
if I wasn't breastfeeding,
it wouldn't even be an issue.
I don't know if I'm willing
to sacrifice that.
Like, I want to be out there,
but he comes first.
It's not making it easier
on our relationship.
I want you to be productive.
Then it's like,
I have a career, too.
So even if I pump
away from home,
I have to have a milk supply
when I get home.
It's like you just
don't understand.
I do understand.
I just feel like
I have to give up.
[sighing]
[Chris] I'm trying to encourage
her as much as I can,
trying to make sure Koa
is priority number one,
but at the same time,
we're paying to be here,
we have our filmer here,
we have a lot of responsibility,
and I need to continue
doing my job.
[cameraperson over radio]
Three, two, one...
Go back up and do it again.
[Chris]
I know she doesn't mean it
when she doesn't wanna
snowboard anymore.
I just can't read
what she really wants,
and I don't think
she knows what she wants.
And then we have
a whole new dynamic
with having a nanny here,
and the reality is is Kimmy's
had some really tough times
as a child with a caregiver,
and so she's been terrified
to leave Koa with anyone.
- [Koa crying]
- I love you so much.
I love you,
I love you, I love you.
Yeah. Sorry, Koa!
[Koa continues crying]
[Bridgette cooing]
[pensive music]
[Bolden] So much happens
that no one can see.
So many things are brought up
that you try to avoid.
Our children are our mirrors,
and so anything you didn't
deal with before,
you're gonna eventually have
to deal with it with your child.
[singing]
[man] Is that all?
[Kimmy] My family was
supposed to be my safe place,
but one specific person
was dangerous.
My first memory with him
was at a family gathering.
[Judy] I feel
I have to take advantage
of being able to do this
while somebody's watching Kimmy.
[Kimmy] He had me hold his hand
and walk down a hallway,
left the door cracked,
and I sat in his lap
and read a book.
But what was happening
wasn't reading.
He was molesting kids.
And it happened to me.
[young Kimmy giggling]
[Judy] Spent the whole
morning in the pool.
[Kimmy] It went on for at least
five years in different ways.
My mom would ask me if anything
had ever happened with him,
but I always said no.
[Bellenbaum]
Once we become a mother,
we bring all of these ghosts
into the nursery with us.
Even if I make sense
of that experience
and heal from that experience,
that all comes rushing back in.
[Koa wailing]
I am incredibly afraid
that the same thing
is gonna happen to him or her.
It's nearly impossible.
[Birndorf] When we look at women
who have got money or fame
or beauty or whatever it is...
There's, like, three ounces
of milk in the fridge.
[Birndorf] ...it's sort of
natural to think, "Well,
they must have it all together."
But we're all fair game.
You can't buy
your way out of it.
[Kimmy] I was having such
deep levels of anxiety.
I was losing myself.
[Bolden] You can't
do your work well
if you're trying
to protect your child.
All day,
you're not trusting yourself,
you're not feeling supported.
So you're no longer
working off skill,
you're working off emotion.
That's always dangerous.
[tense music]
[Chris on phone]
How'd you break it?
[Kimmy] I hit a tree
with my hand.
I was doing
a big turn for a photo.
It's going to be okay,
but I have to go home
to get surgery.
So now this begins
the process of me and Koa
getting home
with my wrist broken.
[chuckling] What are you doing?
I was relieved.
[chuckling] Pulling my hair.
It bought me
a little bit of time.
It's also the second anniversary
of my mom's passing,
and so the irony of it
is pretty unbelievable.
When I hit the tree with my hand
and when that all happened,
it was basically the exact time
that she passed away.
So for some reason
I got a smack on the wrist.
[soft guitar music]
I always saw my mom as
somebody who could do it all.
She never made me feel like
she was stressed or overwhelmed.
Not having her...
I have nobody to talk to about
all this that I'm feeling.
When she was passing away,
she said, "Are you sure
you've asked me everything
you want to ask me?"
If I could give her
a list now...
[Athan]
When we lose the elder mothers,
we lose that transmission
of wisdom.
We're in a capitalist,
individualistic culture.
It disperses us.
That's the problem with
motherhood in Western society.
It's too isolating.
Our family members
and our friends
are scattered far and wide.
In order for the mother
to give to her young,
she needs to be held too.
But who's holding the mother?
[music fades]
- [Chris] Hey, bubba.
- Want Dada?
Yeah. It's time for bed, huh?
Ooh, hi.
- What's your daddy doing?
- New garage.
Look, we're mounting skis.
That's a binding.
This is the cap
to the wood glue.
You like caps.
This is an Allen wrench.
Yeah, it's pretty neat.
We don't eat it. [chuckling]
[Kimmy] I got a call from
my team manager at Burton
for a spring photo sh**t,
and it was gonna be
the most ambitious trip
that I had ever said yes to.
Chris was coming with me...
- [Chris] Nicely done.
- To be with Koa.
That was gonna make me feel
so much more confident
in the mountains.
I wanted to try again.
But immediately, I felt like
I had made the wrong decision.
[wind whistling]
It's gonna be
a bit aggressive, I think.
We're in the Arctic.
- It's cold.
- And we have a baby.
- We like the cold.
- I was expecting to see,
like, a big old boat.
Hmm, not so much.
Hopefully we brought
enough clothes for him.
Did we bring enough
clothes for you?
The captain said,
"We've never had a 13-month-old
on the boat, but you're
welcome to bring him."
[wind howling]
Just wondering if we got
a little bit over our heads.
We maxed out the boat, so
every ounce of space is taken.
They're like,
"Just pack really light."
You can't do that with a baby.
- [Koa crying]
- [wind whistling]
Maybe I should just
get back on a flight.
Should I get back on a flight?
[wailing]
Should I send Chris
back on the flight?
[Koa screeches]
[Chris] The boat was
smaller than we expected.
We were in tight quarters,
[overlapping chatter]
surrounded by the Arctic Ocean
with a child that
just learned how to walk.
Plus, it's 24 hours of sunlight,
14 hours north of the most
north city in Norway.
What happened?
How are we gonna do this?
[seabirds squawking]
What do you see? Ice.
Yeah, it's potato.
Turns out you don't like potato.
I've tried to feed it
to you many times.
Do you like blueberries?
So excited. It looks really fun.
[Chris]
You are one hungry child.
What else can I feed you?
We're running out
of options here, kiddo.
Have you given him a pouch?
There's lots of pouches.
There's oatmeal.
This guy.
Doesn't know
what to feed our child.
- [Chris blowing raspberry]
- [Koa cooing]
One of the first lines
while we're in Norway...
Let me just set the stage.
I remember hiking this line.
It was first thing
in the morning,
and I had to go to the bathroom.
We get to this
little safety spot,
and I tell the crew,
"I'll meet you guys at the top."
What they didn't know is that
I had already sh*t my pants.
Not a contained sh*t.
It was down my leggings.
It was... a mess.
And all I could
keep thinking was,
"I still have to f*cking make it
to the top, ride back down,
somehow clean my pants," because
I only have one pair of pants.
So I'm, like, using baby wipes.
I'm, like,
cleaning this stuff out.
I'm trying
to cover it up in snow.
They're like, "You good?"
I'm so good.
[Chris] What's your funny story?
I cannot put it on camera.
I have to tell you
something so gnarly.
- Babe.
- [Chris] Mid-mountain deuce.
- [laughing]
- It was awesome.
I'm proud. I was proud of Kimmy.
We don't talk about anything
that goes on down there.
Leaking, pooping,
bowel function, prolapse.
All these things are not sexy.
But they're common, and
we need to be more compassionate
and patient with ourselves
when it comes to healing.
[interviewer]
It can only go up from there.
No, it only goes down.
["Different Today"
by Yeah Yeah Yeahs playing]
Oh, how the world
keeps on spinning
It goes spinning
out of control
How the world
keeps on spinning
It goes spinning
out of control
How the world
keeps on spinning
It goes spinning
out of control
How the world
keeps on spinning
It goes spinning, yeah
[Kimmy] Oh, my gosh.
Look at that fresh bread.
Koa, you pop that open for me,
little buster?
[overlapping chatter]
[Chris] Come here, dude.
- [Koa cooing]
- Yeah.
We had a really cozy bed
for him in the bathroom,
and he slept, like, 12 hours.
You must just feel like he's
still in the belly or something.
The swaying and
the rocking of the boat.
This is the first time in
his whole life that he had slept
through the night
and slept that long.
I think we're gonna be okay.
[Chris] Mom doesn't
know I'm sneaking out.
We have some code words.
Gary needs an ice cream.
[Dean] Gary needs an ice cream.
- [Koa exclaiming]
- [chuckling]
[Kimmy] Not having any
connection to the outside world,
it just makes it
really easy to be here.
I have a journal
that I've sat down out here
to start writing in it,
and my pen died.
And I was like, "Okay. I guess
it's just time to just chill."
[Birndorf] Working jobs
and having kids,
there is a feeling like,
"I'm trying to do
both these things at the same
time, and I'm failing at both."
But I just think
it's a setup and a trap.
You can't do everything well.
Time is finite.
If you've only got an hour with
your kid every day, be there.
Where's the tiger?
- There.
- Those are penguins.
[Birndorf] People think that
happiness is a destination,
but joy, happiness,
those are moments of time.
- [laughing]
- [Koa cooing]
It goes spinning, yeah
[giggling]
[Chris] That was probably
the closest we'll ever get
to the old adage that
"It takes a village."
Here she goes!
Hello, my little love.
You were saying "Mom"
the whole way down,
and she gets here,
and you don't get excited?
- Hey, monkey!
- "Hi, Mama!"
- [shutter clicking]
- [man] Flat light, you know.
[Koa crying]
[all laughing]
Mama's boy.
That's what I need.
I just need more of that.
Just had to take
coming to the Arctic.
[chuckling]
As soon as I got service,
I had this overwhelming
amount of messages.
There was a huge
conversation happening
about how protections
for maternity were changing.
[pensive music]
Alysia Montao wrote
an op-ed about an inequality
in pregnancy with
track and field athletes.
In response, Donna came
forward that she was changing
all women's contracts at Burton
to include maternity care.
[Donna]
I was so grateful to Kimmy.
She forced us
to confront this issue.
You cannot underestimate
the power of a role model.
A young woman has to see
herself, and the next generation
is going to have the example
of Kimmy Fasani.
[Chris] "This has been
the biggest year of learning
and adapting and slowing
down in my life," Mama says.
You got water on Mama's story.
- [Koa babbling]
- Oops.
[Kimmy] My intention
was never to be a pioneer.
We're gonna go snowboarding!
- [Koa babbling] No!
- [Kimmy] You don't want to?
We're gonna go meet
all the other little kids.
You wanna go meet
all the little kids?
[Koa crying]
- I promise you'll have fun...
- [Koa screaming]
Wait, hold on.
[Koa wailing]
We're almost there.
[Koa crying]
All of a sudden, I'm changing
women's snowboarding.
Everybody thinks
I'm doing it all.
[Koa crying]
But in the real world...
[Koa crying]
Do you wanna help
make this stop?
Every day is a challenge.
I'm not superwoman.
[sighs]
[Athan] The biggest healing
that was given to adolescents
was to tell them,
"You can become anything
you want when you grow up.
For mothers, we've been given
a close-ended process.
You need to become this mother.
[Bellenbaum] No human can live
up to this procured expectation
that society
has formulated for us.
And so what ends up happening is
we feel so bad about ourselves.
"Should I be doing this?
Who am I?
Is it okay that
I'm this person?"
We lose our core.
[Thornton] Your definition
of yourself starts to change.
Your perspective starts
to shift, and many people
don't understand how
encompassing it can be.
[Athan] We usually silence
around things
that are complicated,
uncomfortable.
And silencing around
motherhood is very commonplace,
because what you want
to talk about is the hard stuff.
But if you were to speak up...
we might wonder if you're okay.
Look, that's a nine.
That's a nine.
I'll ski for a little bit,
and then I'll fly out to Denver.
Yeah, I have an art show
on the 28th.
[man] Do you think you'll
be able to fit all that in?
[Chris] Yeah, we can
make anything work,
but it's a completely
separate job,
- and it's so much work for me.
- One, two, three.
[man] Well,
we need to find some time...
Green light.
Run, run, run, run, run!
Now that Koa was a little
more independent,
there was a little bit
more freedom for me.
I had an opportunity to be
on a couple trips that winter,
and one of them
was back in Alaska.
And I was
looking forward to that.
You wanna go back to Daddy?
[Chris] At the same time,
I was presented
with the biggest project
of my career by far,
and I had to jump on it.
[shutter clicking]
This is all just,
like, coming at me full speed,
and so I'm just trying
to make everything happen.
[man, over phone] The project
keeps growing, and growing
- and growing. Yeah.
- Yes, exactly.
"Generally, how it works,
is when the sun is out,
it's daytime, and we do stuff.
The rest of the time is night."
Chris has so many
moving parts right now.
I just feel like
he's stretched really thin.
Chris was planning a film,
and it was taking him
across the world.
I would never want to be the one
that says, "You cannot do this."
I get it, but we were not
on the same path.
[Koa, crying] Yeah.
[Kimmy] I was being put
in the position of,
"This is what you do."
- Let me get your water.
- Water!
Mama has a sore throat,
so she doesn't want you to drink
out of my water,
but you can have this.
[crying]
Soup!
- You want soup right now?
- Yeah.
- Do you want tea instead?
- Yeah.
- [Kimmy] You want some tea?
- Soup. Soup.
- I'm sorry.
- [Kimmy] You're saying sorry?
- No!
- No?
Months went by.
[Koa giggling]
[Kimmy] I was just waiting.
[Koa babbling]
- You want to read it now?
- No.
Okay, I'll hold that.
- No, Mama.
- Do you want me to move?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
But there was so much joy,
because I was home with Koa...
Woo! Wow!
And it felt
isolating, and lonely.
Your hands are cold. We should
probably go in soon, okay?
Confusing, really.
[Chris, over phone] So I made
it here pretty quick.
[Kimmy] I wanted that freedom,
that freedom
that I saw Chris have.
I was envious of his freedom.
[soft guitar music]
[Thornton] Women and mothers
carry a much higher mental load.
Even couples who have
the best intentions
on splitting things equally
slip into these same patterns.
Society just puts a lot
more parental expectation
on women and mothers.
[Athan] The self-sacrificing
mother is a trope
that is also problematic.
You're supposed to do it
in a masochistic way,
and enjoy it the whole time.
It's actually a grief process.
That time of me,
mine, I, that's done.
I need to start making moves.
Watch a movie.
No, you're not watching a movie.
[screaming] Watch a movie!
- That's not a very nice voice.
- [man on phone] Hello?
Mama's trying to work, too.
Would you like an apple?
- Please.
- Thank you, Koa.
Can I have a big kiss?
That was so sweet.
[giggling]
[Kimmy] I see Chris
just nonstop,
moving, going,
always saying yes.
[Chris laughing]
[Chris] It frustrates her
that I can't say no.
What she doesn't understand
is how much
I actually do say no to.
I have to head out of town,
so I don't have all day, but...
She wants me to throw
my phone out the window, but...
This is me...
Through this whole process,
I wanted it to be
an experiential thing.
And it's always been me.
[Bolden] The first three years
of having a child
is the hardest on any couple.
You're in a stressful
time like no other.
[Zhang] What should happen
is that stress gets processed.
It gets moved.
In the wild,
animals shake their bodies.
They move.
But if you don't do that,
it's more of like a shutdown.
You're just dissociated
as a way to cope.
For many women, postpartum
depression is the thing
that they're not realizing
that they're experiencing.
I wouldn't be
who I am without what I do.
You know, I... I don't just
snowboard because it's cool.
I snowboard
because it's what I love.
It's also the thing that helps
me deal with hard moments.
So, going to Alaska
is something that...
the last time I was there
was when my mom died,
and it was so healing.
[Koa babbling]
[Chris] Hi!
- Dada.
- Muah!
Here's where Dada was.
I flew all the way right here,
and you live right here.
See how far I traveled?
[Kimmy] It's really hard
to find the balance between
two people that are super
passionate about what they do.
Or if one person really does
have to give all of that up.
If you had any suggestions
on how you want to see
February line up, or...
And I know you can't
create plans. That's...
[Chris] Well, what are
we working towards, like...?
[Kimmy] I'm just
trying to see... Okay, so...
And it's just asking ourselves,
are we happy?
I'm just trying to make a plan
so that I have an answer.
Anything I say isn't what
you want to hear, so...
- [Kimmy] You're such a jerk.
- How am I such a jerk?
I'm playing devil's advocate.
It always blows up
into everything,
you know, like, our whole...
life together.
We throw the word around...
the divorce word,
and I'm dealing with
so much of my own,
and becoming a father.
Everything feels...
Is it yummy?
Personal.
[Kimmy] How hard are
we willing to push...
in our own directions?
And what's going to break first?
[smart system voice] Pardon?
Delete Chris's phone.
- [smart system voice] Pardon?
- Whatever. Just leave it.
- Chris's phone.
- [smart system voice] Pardon?
[Koa babbling]
[Kimmy] I needed
to be back on my board,
so that I could be
a better mother.
I was going
to take Koa on a trip,
and I leaned into
having a nanny.
That was my option.
And yet, I still doubted
that my child would be okay
- in somebody else's care.
- [Koa giggling]
[wind whooshing]
I left Koa and our nanny, so
that I could film with the crew.
As soon as I walked back
into the room,
Koa is really pale,
and pretty lethargic.
I take him in to a clinic.
The nurse is like,
"If he doesn't pee
by the end of the night,
take him
to the emergency room."
He doesn't pee.
And I get to the emergency room,
and a woman looks at me
blank in the face and says,
"We have to get your child
out of here immediately.
He is extremely sick."
Mama. Mama.
Mama.
- [Kimmy] It's okay.
- Mama, no.
- Mama.
- [Kimmy] Koa has kidney failure.
[somber music]
Chris jumped on the first
flight he could,
and they started
dialysis on Koa,
just hoping that his body
would go into self-rescue.
[Chris] It felt like we were
going to lose our child.
[Koa coughing]
[Chris] I just detached
from anything else.
[Kimmy]
All the busyness stopped.
We never meant
to jeopardize him.
To think that I'm trying
to go snowboarding,
and my kid almost dies.
I would've never
forgiven myself.
[nurse] Come on,
keep holding it.
[Chris] It was a reminder
to what is important in life.
- That goes right there.
- That does go right there.
[Kimmy] It was three weeks
that we were
in the hospital with Koa,
and we got really lucky.
The dialysis worked.
They feel like it was
a link to bacteria
like E. coli, or salmonella.
And Koa was able to recover.
[Chris] How about this?
Koa.
[Kimmy] Whoa!
Oh, man, how many do you see?
Oh, that was a good one.
- One, two, three.
- [Chris] Pop, pop, pop.
- [Chris] I'm gonna get ya!
- [Koa screaming]
[Chris] I'm gonna get ya!
[all laughing]
[Chris growling]
- Did we get him?
- Yeah.
- Did he get you?
- Yeah.
- Should we go hide?
- Boo!
- Can you say boo?
- Boo.
Boo!
[Chris imitating
an engine thrumming]
[Bellenbaum] Motherhood
is so rife
with "shoulds"
and "supposed tos".
Convincing ourselves
that we should
and are supposed to be showing
up in all these different ways.
Where's Mama and Dada going?
Working.
- We're going to go working?
- Yeah.
Where are we going?
Is it a place called Alaska?
Alaska.
I'll see you in Reno.
Drive safe.
I love you so much.
[Bellenbaum] But a lot
of the pressures that we feel,
we do put on ourself.
Watermelon, obviously.
He'll be psyched.
It was already hard enough
for me to leave,
but it was
the end of the season.
So, I really wanted
to try one last time,
and at that time, it wasn't
safe for Koa to travel.
Just stay up on hand-washing,
with this
whole coronavirus thing.
[woman] Mammoth is closed
until further notice.
[Kimmy] They just closed
the Canada border, too.
[woman] It's crazy,
crazy in town, but...
Yeah.
It's a long way home.
I have to trust her.
- I do trust her.
- If you feel 100%.
Of course,
I can't say I feel 100%.
I'm trying to let go of it,
because there's nothing
I can do.
I need to do my job.
I keep bailing on my job.
And I have to be here.
I want to be here.
I want you to be here.
That's why I'm trying
to figure it out myself,
of getting out of here.
[Kimmy] I'm very grateful
that Chris is going home.
Dada.
And I am choosing
to stay in Alaska.
It's a tug-of-w*r
with your heart.
Oh!
[Chris] Zoom!
The general consensus
within our group
is that everyone's gonna stay.
I feel like I'm being pulled,
but I can't tell which
way I'm being pulled.
I love you.
[Koa] I love you, too.
[Kimmy] You're supposed
to leave that side of you
when you show up
in the mountains.
[majestic music]
Selfishly, I want to be here,
and I want to snowboard.
The other selfish part of me
really wants to be home,
in Mammoth,
with my son, and Chris.
And if we're all together,
it's like,
that's all that matters.
[Birndorf] There's a
multiple-lane highway
in your head, the minute
you become a parent.
You have to find a way
to make peace
with what your choices are.
And that sounds a hell
of a lot easier than it is.
[Chris, on phone] I don't
think you'll get stuck forever.
I know. And that's what's hard.
It's like, I don't want
to be sitting here, selfish.
It's almost like
forcing that choice
of family first,
which, obviously, is first.
[somber music]
[sighs heavily]
I'm home, and we're gonna be
on lockdown.
There's a stay-at-home
ordinance happening
in Mammoth, for a while.
They're saying, like, confine,
isolate yourself for two weeks.
So we'll have a lot of family
time between now and then.
[Kimmy]
Can I take a photo of you?
[Koa] Can't do it.
I think you just did it.
- Can you show me again?
- I don't know.
Can you slip into your bindings?
Can we try to get
your straps on?
Yeah.
Hi, buddy.
[gentle music]
- [Koa] Yeah!
- Oh, stomp it.
Yeah.
[Chris] Oh!
Four-week old.
Trying to go take a couple runs.
It's still proving to be
quite the balancing act.
I'm gonna have my snorkel on.
It used to always be about,
like, first chair.
Now it's just,
can I get out of the house?
Can I get out of the house?
[Chris] Do you think you can
get out of the house?
[Kimmy] There was a rekindling
with Chris and I.
- There was a healing.
- [both laughing]
We were spending the most time
we had ever spent together.
Hey, Mommy, yeah.
[Chris] We found peace and joy,
and all these wonderful
things happened.
[Koa] Puzzles.
I'm gonna do a puzzle.
Can you give Zeppelin
a big kiss?
Mm!
Can you just give him
a nose snuggy?
[Koa giggles] Snuggles.
[Kimmy] We didn't have plans
on the horizon.
We got 13, five.
[Kimmy] It felt so right.
Powder day.
10:30.
Babies, they know when
their mom leaves the house.
So, I wouldn't be surprised
if I get a call soon.
But at least I know
this time around.
Now it's just more cherished
to be able to get one run.
One run feels like a million.
[gentle music]
[Athan] Matrescence, while the
starting point might be clear,
the end point isn't clear.
It happens again,
and again, with every child.
It may last a lifetime.
[laughing]
[Athan] And so we bring in
the image of the spiral,
meaning we might return
to the same ground,
but on a different level.
[Kimmy] It's almost like
we're back in the same place,
but totally different people.
If we learned all of that
in three years,
what are we going to learn now?
[Chris] Mom, look out!
- Snow ball attack!
- [Kimmy] Oh, no!
Oh, no!
They've identified
this blanket term
of inflammatory breast cancer,
but now they're gonna...
see what hormones attach to it,
and then that's going
to identify the exact type.
- [Chris] Mm-hmm.
- [Kimmy sighs]
It's just not what we were...
set up for this season.
It was small,
right on the edge of my chest,
and I associated
the lump in my breast
to clogged milk ducts.
It never even crossed my mind.
[pump whirring]
I remember doing a self-check,
feeling that lump,
and then moving into
my armpit, and stopping.
There was a pea-sized,
rock-hard nodule.
[slow, acoustic guitar
instrumental]
That was Saturday.
Monday at 9 a.m.,
I saw a breast specialist.
The doctor said, "You have
inflammatory breast cancer.
Stop breastfeeding immediately."
[babbling]
[Kimmy] This type of cancer
is really aggressive.
[Chris] You like that? Mm!
[Kimmy] You're gonna have to be
in chemo as fast as possible.
All I wanted was a pause button.
A silver car!
- Red car! Red car!
- Red... nice one.
[Koa] Silver car! Silver truck!
You already can't handle
the amount of sh*t
you have to do,
so why not add on
that you have to move again?
Not using that this year.
[clattering]
[Chris] She did all
of the right things.
She's healthy,
she takes care of her body.
I wish it were me in her place.
She's given my life
value and purpose.
Yeah, Koa asked specifically
that we bring those.
[laughs]
[Chris] I would be devastated
to lose my partner.
Can you tell me what's wrong?
I just don't want her
to be gone.
[Chris] But I just wish
nothing more than
that our children get
their mother.
This was actually a bag
of pens that my mom had.
For some reason,
she had, like, a million.
So any time I need a new pen,
I just come down,
and see what she had.
But I haven't even had time
to go through and, like...
separate myself from her life.
Now I'm trying to separate
myself from my own life.
When my mom was diagnosed,
she knew all the facts.
I mean, only 2.4% of
breast cancers are inflammatory.
This is not something that I see
even once a year. This is...
[Kimmy] She had witnessed enough
people going through chemo...
and she knew
what she was going to do.
I watched my mom
go through this.
I watched my dad
go through this.
And it's just so hard to imagine
that I'm doing this now.
It makes me sad.
It makes me sad for my boys.
[doctor] So what I can do
is put you on Wednesday,
which is December 1st,
does that work for you?
Um, Wednesday.
[doctor] Would you be able
to come to our...
My mom told me that she was
taking the end-of-life drugs...
and my whole world
just collapsed.
I packed my bags...
drove through a blizzard...
and it was once again
just her and I.
Embarking on this journey
of end-of-life.
- It's go time.
- [Chris] Yeah, farewell.
[Kimmy] It's gonna be
a lot lighter.
[laughing]
Don't get 'em mixed up
with the good hair.
- [woman laughing]
- Oh!
- Whoa!
- [laughing]
You do look wonderful.
[Kimmy] Did you know that
every living thing
is made up of tiny little
guys called cells?
They make hearts pump,
lungs breathe.
[Zepplin laughing]
[Chris] He's coming
to the cancer party!
He's coming to the cancer party!
But every once in a while,
one of the cells forgets
what its job is.
And since it doesn't know
what else to do,
it decides to have a...
- [Zepplin babbling]
- party!
Before long, it's a big party.
[waves crashing]
[gentle, somber music]
[nurse] Okay, so I'm going
to spray you a lot today, Kimmy.
And then going forward, if you
don't wanna watch...
["Bad Kingdom" by May The Muse
and Robot Koch]
Here it ends
No one's gonna shed a tear
No need to shout
Just to stand the silence
[Kimmy] That's where
the medicine went into Mama.
Isn't that cool?
Do you have a hole there now?
Yeah, see?
Well spent time
In the early morning's haze
You sit and wait
Watching full glasses
through blank eyes
This is not what you wanted
We have to go get Mommy on
the airplane before she's late.
How do we shut
the cancer party down? How?
Well, I have to keep
going to the doctor.
This is not what you wanted
- [sobbing]
- It's okay.
I just got out
of the shower, and...
I'm losing my hair.
[Chris] How are you feeling?
- [Kimmy] Okay.
- [Zepplin grunting]
You want what?
You're trying to get
Koa's spoon, I know.
[Zepplin crying]
What? Okay. Oh look,
he's sharing. Oh, thanks.
He'll give it back soon.
[Athan] Parenting in the best
of times, it's a challenge.
There's just not a lot of room
for things to go wrong.
[Thornton]
Sometimes you're just like,
I'm just gonna go through
the day and try to survive.
[Koa] Mommy!
[Bolden] But then, that
emotional connection to a child
is life-sustaining.
Your hair is so prickly.
[Bellenbaum]
Your bandwidth is stretched.
Real motherhood is all of the
feelings, all of the thoughts.
This is not what you wanted
We're washing all this 'cause
Zeppy's sick, so we're gonna...
Mommy can't get sick,
so this is a big deal.
- Ask me to do stuff.
- How... How would I ask you?
What do you mean,
you don't know how to ask me?
Mom, I thought we were going
to that market.
Yeah, I would love to.
I'm just stressed out.
- I don't know.
- [Zepplin screaming]
This is not a hard issue.
Excuse me? I want that, too!
- [Zepplin sobbing]
- Nobody wants to help me.
When I ask for some help...
- This is t*rture.
- [Koa screaming joyfully]
- Just f*cking take me.
- [boys screaming joyfully]
Mommy! Mommy!
[Kimmy shouting in pain]
Hey, Mom, just...
I'm just wanting you
to hold my feet.
I understand, honey,
it just really hurts
when you kick my tummy.
[utensils clattering]
[music slows down]
Ah!
[Zepplin babbling]
Do you want to help me
make some food?
- No.
- No.
[Koa giggling]
Leg rest.
[giggling]
Do you think I should
climb up that tree?
I mean, do you want to?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
[Kimmy] During those last days
with my mom,
neither of us could sleep well.
So, we would go
watch the sun rise.
We would talk,
we would share stories.
Isn't that cool?
It was like being a kid again.
We had no schedule.
All we knew is that
we wanted to be together.
And I asked my mom,
"How am I gonna know when
you come back to visit me?"
She's like, "Oh, honey, I'm
gonna be ringing bells so loud."
So cool!
And then, it was just time.
[solemn acoustic guitar
instrumental]
On the morning my mom died,
she was meditating.
She did not want to die in pain.
She wanted to die
on a joyous night...
Whoa!
[Kimmy]
after watching X Games.
With her closest friends
and family around.
Oh, he's taking the stuff.
[Kimmy] She wasn't scared.
Yeah! Whoa!
[Kimmy] She was ready.
I was not ready.
[Young Kimmy in video]
Come on, Mommy.
[Judy] Okay, I gotta get
my skates on still.
I just want to take
your picture a little bit.
[Kimmy] I remember holding her
wrist, and feeling her pulse.
If I said, "I love you,"
her pulse would get stronger.
And I said,
"It's okay to let go."
It would get fainter.
Thank you, Mom.
[Judy] You're welcome.
[Kimmy] And I felt like
I was in this...
synchronicity with her.
[somber music]
And she let go.
[Athan] The mother,
though in body
she may not be here...
she is very much internalized,
and we're talking
to her the whole time.
We will live on in our own
children in the same way.
With each generation,
I consider it a baton pass.
Not like, "Here, you take it,"
but more like, "This is as far
as I can get.
Now you take it
a little bit further."
[soft instrumental]
[Judy] Pure joy...
is pure observation.
Pure joy...
is mindful balance.
He doesn't mind. [laughs]
[Judy] Pure joy
is total acceptance.
Pure joy
is peaceful completeness.
Pure joy is loving kindness.
Pure joy is right here,
right now.
Cheers.
[giggling]
Balance on one foot.
[giggling]
[gong dinging]
[cheering, applause]
[Judy] Such a beautiful day.
Yeah!
[Koa laughing]
[Judy] The sun's coming up.
The world's
turning pretty quickly.
[Kimmy] We're surfing.
Do you see your Daddy?
[Kimmy]
Most people thought I was crazy
when I said I was going back to
a competitive snowboard event.
I'd just finished
treatment, but...
I wanted to feel like myself.
[Chris] What's your favorite
thing about Mommy?
- Cuddling!
- Cuddling!
[giggling]
[Chris] How about you?
Do you want to say,
"I love my Mommy?"
Ta-da!
[Chris] There you go.
I love you guys.
I miss you.
[Chris] We love you, dear.
[Kimmy] I'm still not sold that
I am capable of being
a pro snowboarder and a mom.
But I believe we can do...
more than we think we can.
- Good morning.
- Morning.
[man] Hey.
[Kimmy] Regardless of when
I leave my kids,
I feel uncomfortable.
But it's a feeling
I've learned how to sit with.
And I want my kids
to bear witness to passion.
I want them to be able
to ground themselves
in whatever makes them happy.
[hum of excited chatter]
- [woman] Right here?
- [woman 2] I think so.
[director] Ready, full.
Take full.
Welcome to the 2023
Natural Selection Tour.
And we got 12 of the world's
best snowboarders
that are going
to take to this course.
[announcer] Incredible!
Alaska is always that place
that really puts riders
to the test,
both mentally and physically.
[hopeful music]
[Athan] When
I was being trained,
I was very interested in women
who survived cancers.
If you survive
a death-defying experience,
you're confronted
with your mortality.
And you start to have
a real reorientation,
a real mind change.
[announcer]
Kimmy Fasani up next,
a household name
in snowboarding.
And this incredibly
talented rider
is beginning a new chapter
in her career.
[announcer 2] Moms don't get
the credit that they deserve.
[announcer] Talk about
real-world inspiration.
[announcer 3] I spoke with
Kimmy before, and she was
asking herself, "Am I ready?"
Am I physically ready
to get back at this?
And her ultimate thought
was, are we ever really ready?
[Athan] We were curious whether
that change would happen
with not only death-defying
experiences,
but life-affirming experiences.
Like having children.
Whether that's through
adoption, surrogacy, step-parenting,
a child can come into our life
in many different ways.
And when I started
talking to parents,
I heard the same story
of this both-and experience,
tension of the opposites,
the deep grief,
the loss of the previous life
as they knew it.
But also, this transformation.
They were getting deeper,
and wider,
and better as humans.
We gotta cheer her on.
It's live.
Here goes Mama.
[joyful music]
I don't think I'll be
the best version of myself
until the day I die.
[announcer] Look at that angle.
Oh, my gosh, that is so gnarly.
[announcer 3] Kimmy Fasani,
in her element right now.
[announcer] Whoa,
that was absolutely massive.
[Athan] This process
of giving the self over...
to symbolic death and rebirth,
is the adventure.
It's heroic.
[announcer] It's one of
the most incredible comebacks
in snowboarding history.
[Kimmy] Oh, my God,
that was so fun!
Holy sh*t.
I mean, sugar.
[sighs]
- [children laughing distantly]
- [Chris] Ha! Got it! Ha! Ha!
[Kimmy] Here, get me! Get me!
[Chris] Yeah, that might even...
- [giggling]
- Aah! Get it!
[Chris] Oh! Oh, no!
- I got it!
- Slam! Great, kiddo!
[windchimes ringing melodically]
[all laughing]
[windchimes grow louder]
["Butterfly"
by Lily Meola plays]
All of the time that
we took for granted
Thinking tomorrow's
just another day
Sun on your face
with the windows open
I never got
the chance to say
I know your wings
are getting heavy
You can let go
when you're ready
To fly
Fly
I know we'll meet between
heaven and the sky
I...
I'll try
I'm gonna try to find
the good after goodbye
Butterfly
You come down to visit
your favorite flower
Catching the wind
in the light of day
You keep sending me
bittersweet reminders
Signs you're never
really far away
You know
I will always need you
I feel better when
I see you
Fly
Fly
I know we'll meet between
heaven and the sky
I...
I'll try
I'm gonna try to find
the good after goodbye
Butterfly
Butterfly
Fly
'Til next time
Butterfly
Butterfly
Fly
'Til next time
Butterfly
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Butterfly in a Blizzard (2025)
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