Blackbeard's Ghost (1968)

[bunniefuu]

[DRUM ROLL]

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[WIND HOWLING]

- Want gas, Mister?
- Yeah, fill it up.

Help yourself, will you please?
I've gotta close up.

Do you know how to get to
Blackbeard's Inn at Godolphin?

I'm going there myself.
I'll show you the way if you give me a lift.

- You're on.
- Thanks.

- Staying at the inn?
- Yep.

Mostly, old ladies live there.

Salesmen going through like to stay at
Ye Jolly Roger down in town.

Got more of a chance
to kick up their heels.

Oh, I'm not a salesman. I'm the new
track coach at Godolphin College.

Coach! I'm glad to know you.

My name's Gudger Larkin.
I'm on your track squad.

I'm captain.

Well, well.

Small world, isn't it?

Let's see now, Captain.
I'd guess you were a sprinter, huh?

Golly, no, sir.
I'm as slow as molasses in January.

[STRUGGLING]

Can you give me a hand, coach?

Yeah.

What is your event, Larkin?

- Oh, I'm the shot putter, sir.
- Shot putter?

The weight man is usually
the strongest man on the team.

Yes, sir.

That's the inn, coach.
That's Blackbeard's Inn.

Did the old pirate really build it?

Sure, he got k*lled in a battle
right out there in the bay.

I'll have to brush up on local history.

Wait till you meet the little old ladies
who run the inn.

They're all descendants of
Blackbeard's bloody crew,

and they're proud of it.

"Buccaneer bazaar tonight.
Help save Blackbeard's Inn."

What does that mean?

Some guy is trying to have
the inn torn down,

but the old ladies are putting up
a pretty good fight.

Are you sure they haven't
started to tear it down already?

It's built mostly of odds and ends,

timbers of ships that got
wrecked in the bay.

- You can park over there.
- All right.

What's that all about?

Hey, buddy...

That's Silky Seymour.
He runs the gambling around here.

I wouldn't fool with him.

What's he doing
at the old ladies' bazaar?

He bought up their mortgage
from the bank.

If the old ladies don't come
up with the loot, out they go.

This fella Seymour gets everything
he wants around here, huh?

Just about.

Ms. Jeffrey, have you seen
Ms. Stowecroft?

This gentleman has a room reservation.

She's outside in a tent, telling fortunes.

- GUDGER: Dean Wheaton.
- What is it?

Sir, I'd like you to meet
our new track coach.

Steve Walker, sir. Just arrived. I believe
I'm to report to you in the morning.

- Oh, welcome to Godolphin, Mr. Walker.
- Thank you very much, sir.

I don't want to seem negative,
but I want to be frank.

I was not in favor
of replacing our former track coach

- when he left so informally.
- Oh.

For some years now, the track team has
done little to add precious luster

to the name of Godolphin College,

so there didn't seem any point
in going on, you see.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that...

Howsoever, we have competed in the
Broxton Relays for 63 years,

so the alumni insisted on one more try.

Of course, there's not
much time before the relay,

but I hope I can restore
your confidence in the boys.

Mr. Walker, I never had any.

Well, hmm...

Before the warmth of the dean's
reception goes to my head,

I think I'll find Ms. Stowecroft
and get a room.

I've been on the road since 5:00
this morning.

Okay, coach. I'll see you tomorrow.

Gudger...

What did happen
to the other track coach?

I don't know. He got to acting real weird.

Talking to himself,
real down in the chops.

One day, he just disappeared.

Just... And he was gone.

Good night, Gudger.

Good night, Coach.

DEAN: Mr. Walker.

This is Mr. Purvis, our football coach,

whom you undoubtedly
know by reputation.

Well, I certainly do. Who doesn't?

We're fortunate in having
the services of Mr. Purvis.

He produces winning football teams,

which in turn produce large grants
and endowments from proud alumni.

Mr. Walker is the new coach
of what we refer to as the track team.

[LAUGHING]

"The track team." [CHUCKLING]

Walker, you won't last three weeks.
Take my word for it.

If you don't mind, Mr. Purvis,
I'd like to find out for myself.

PURVIS: A word of advice, friend.

At Godolphin, the name
of the game is football.

That's what makes the mare
go round, so...

Football.

Don't get any big ideas.

Wouldn't dream of it.

Come along, Mr. Purvis. I'm sure
Mr. Walker will acclimatize very quickly.

[MOCKING] Track team!

[HUMMING]

Ms. Stowecroft?

Sit down, Ishmael.

No, my name's Steve Walker,
Ms. Stowecroft.

I believe a room was arranged for me
here through the college.

You know, living accommodations?

We accommodate the living,

but who shall accommodate the dead?

Give me your hand, Ishmael.

Oh, no, no. I don't want my fortune told.

Just a room, Ms. Stowecroft.

[SCREAMING]

There's a revelation here.
Dark deeds and violence.

Things roused up that were
better left to rot.

If you'll tell me where the keys are,
Ms. Stowecroft, I'd be happy to...

Oh, there's more to the revelation.

We see good here, too.

That's good.

Happiness and content for the people
of Godolphin,

delivered from an ancient evil

and gratitude to you, Ishmael,

who have sacrificed your
own life in their delivery.

Now the light fades.

That is all.

About the room, Ms. Stowe...

- That's all.
- Yes, but I...

You may leave an honorarium
for the care and welfare of the spirits

in the bowl on your way out.

[HUMMING]

Thank you. Come again.

Hi.

Hey! What's the big idea?

Kisses $1, right?

I don't work here.

Can't you read?
I'm executive committee.

I work here.

Well now, so you do.

That is what I call a real good dollar kiss!
Plenty of value for the money.

Would you hold this a minute, please?

How would you like to try the $5 special?

Five-dollar special.

May I have my badge? Thank you.

Oh, no, no. I'm terribly sorry.
Only one to a customer.

Excuse me.

Ms. Stowecroft.
If I could get that room, please?

Oh, Ishmael, come along, please.
The auction is about to begin.

JO ANNE: Ladies and gentlemen
of Godolphin

and neighboring communities,

you all know the purpose of this bazaar.

Our good friends,
the Daughters of the Buccaneers,

took over this old ruin many years ago
and turned it into a cultural landmark.

They served tea,
cooked chicken dinners,

even turned part of it
into a boarding house.

Anything to keep it going,
but that's not enough.

Unless enough money is raised tonight,

this place, that has been
their home for so many years,

will pass into the hands of strangers.

When Ms. Stowecroft begins
to auction off

the treasured mementoes,
the fine antiques,

and the family heirlooms
that these good ladies

have so generously donated
to the cause,

I beg you to search your
hearts and to bid cheerfully,

boldly, and very, very generously.
Thank you.

Ms. Stowecroft.

Thank you, Professor Baker.

Lot number one.

A fine antique p*stol,
which has been in the immediate family

of Ms. Emily Jeffrey,

past president of the
Daughters of the Buccaneers,

for many, many years.

- Now...
- One dollar.

Oh, can't we do better than that?

Who'll give me $20?

Do I hear $20?

Oh, the gentleman
in the back just waved.

The gentleman in the back says, "$20."

Who'll give me $30?

MR. HARRISON: Thirty dollars.

- Thirty-five dollars.
- Forty.

HARRISON: Fifty dollars.

MRS. STARKEY: Sixty dollars.
HARRISON: Seventy.

Do I hear $80?

- Eighty dollars!
- One hundred dollars!

One hundred dollars bid.
Do I hear $110?

Professor Baker, how about your
nice young man in the back?

I don't think so.
He just backed into his shell.

Very well. One hundred dollars, once.

One hundred dollars, twice.

Sold! [BANG]

All right, move in.

One hundred dollars.

- Thank you.
- STOWECROFT: Lot number two.

You got taken, buddy. This is a fake.

Take my advice,
don't bid on anything else.

[STOWECROFT
CONTINUES AUCTION]

You mean the warming pan is fake, too?

That's tourist junk.

And Mr. Seymour don't like to
see you throw your money away.

This bed warmer is believed to have
been the property of Aldetha Teach,

tenth wife of our dear
Captain Blackbeard.

If you want to bid, go ahead, but
I don't think Mr. Seymour would like it.

STOWECROFT: Mrs. Starkey,
how about starting the bidding for us?

No, thanks. I... I don't think so.

How about you, Mr. Finch?

Oh... No, no, thank you.

STOWECROFT: Mr. Harrison,
you'll open the bidding for us, I know.

This p*stol is enough for me.

Will no one open the bidding
on this magnificent item?

- Five dollars!
- Well, thank you.

Ten dollars.

Mr. Virgil Purvis,
our football coach, bids $10.

Fifteen!

- Twenty dollars.
- Twenty-five.

- Thirty dollars.
- Thirty-five.

Fifty dollars.

- Fifty-five.
- Sixty.

- Sixty-five.
- Seventy.

Five.

One hundred dollars!

As we all know, Mr. Virgil Purvis,
our football coach, doesn't like to lose.

He very generously bid $100.

Just an opinion,
but I wouldn't bid anymore if I were you.

Now, why is that?

No reason.
I just don't want you to, that's all.

Oh.

STOWECROFT: One hundred
dollars twice.

Two hundred dollars!

Two hundred dollars, once!
Two hundred dollars, twice!

Sold! [BANG] To the nice
young gentleman in back.

Now we're really rolling!

- Excuse me.
- STOWECROFT: Lot number 3.

Here, we have a fascinating piece
from colonial times.

The clock in the gentleman's stomach
keeps perfect time.

New here, aren't you?

Yeah.

Just passing through?

Nope.

Might stick around a while, huh?

Might.

WOMAN: Thank you.

We'll see each other again.

Good night.

- Hi.
- Hi.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

How'd you make out?

Fine. Much better than we'd expected.
Thank you.

Good. No problem, then?

I wish that were true.

We still have another $38,000
to give Mr. Seymour

before the first of the month.

Why is Seymour so anxious
to get this property, anyway?

I'll show you on the map.

This is the island we're on.

In Blackbeard's time,
the river flowed this way.

The inn was part of the mainland.

Then, about 80 years ago,
we had this terrible flood and storm

and the river changed its course,
isolating the inn from the mainland.

As a result, nobody's ever
been able to clarify legal jurisdiction.

That's where Mr. Seymour comes in?

Sure. He can tear down the inn,
put up a casino,

and the law can't bother him.

Oh, uh...

Well, I'd like to thank you
for what you did tonight.

Without you we wouldn't
have had much of an auction.

I just kept bidding
because it made you smile.

I like that smile.

Jo Anne, aren't you...

I've been waiting to drive you home.

Excuse me. Good night.

Good night.

I'm going to put you in his room.
I'm sure he won't mind.

- He?
- Captain Blackbeard.

Oh.

This looks out to the river
and the upper bay.

The captain used to stand here
for hours with his spyglass,

studying the ships moving in and out.

He'd pick out the one he liked,

then he'd come here,

to this very table,

and with his men,
he'd plan how to seize it.

Thank you, Ms. Stowecroft.

I know how anxious you
must be to get to bed, so...

Sometimes, when he's in a bad mood,

or feeling lonely,

we hear him thumping around,

breaking glasses and bottles,

trying so hard to communicate with us.

I suppose we should be
very angry with him for all that noise,

but it isn't his fault, poor man.

Whose fault is it?

Aldetha's, of course.

Who?

Number 10.

The captain's last wife, but one.

Oh, the one your warming pan
belonged to.

Well, good...

Aldetha was a witch, you know.

She never forgave the captain
for denouncing her to the authorities.

When they were burning Aldetha
at the stake,

she put a terrible curse on him.

As the flames crept higher and higher...

She screeched her dying words,
"Edward Teach,

"sometimes known as
Captain Blackbeard,

"when you come to die,
may your body and soul

"be racked between this world
and the next,

"always to be alone.

"May this curse hold fast and true.

"May you dwell forevermore in limbo

"or until such time as there be
found in you,

"most wicked of all villains..."

[MANIACAL LAUGH]

"Some spark of human goodness."

Well, good night, Mr. Walker.
Sleep well.

The dining room will be open
for breakfast at 7:30 A.M.

Please be prompt.

[DOOR CLOSING]

[CRACKING]

Oh, no.

[SIGHING]

Two hundred bucks.

[BLOWING]

[READING] "Aldetha Teach."

So the thing did belong to her.

"Her book of spells and conjurations."

Well, now...

"A spell to turn your enemy
into a spotted toad.

"A spell to turn mercury into gold."

I wonder if there's a spell to
make a track team out of a pig's ear?

"A spell to bring to your eyes and ears

"one who is bound in limbo."

How about that? Limbo.

"Kree kruh vergo gebba kalto kree!"

[THUNDER]

[THUNDER]

Curses. Pirates. Malarky.

Blackbeard, himself, was a phony.

[CHUCKLING] He was probably some
chicken-livered little pipsqueak

that built up a reputation scaring
old women and children.

Chicken-livered pipsqueak, is it?

A remark spoke slighting like that

could raise a man's blood, now.
Could it not?

I've been on the road since 5:00
this morning. I'm just tired.

Nothing to eat.

Ms. Stowecroft gassed me up
with pirate stories.

I'm all right, I'm just tired.

[CHUCKLING] Boy, am I tired!

I don't think you're real.
I don't think that sword is real.

I'm going to walk right through it
and go to bed!

Try it, mate.

Ow.

It's real.

Who called me out?

- What?
- Who invoked me?

[STAMMERS]

Aldetha's writing.

No! Aldetha...

Aldetha done it.
"Beware," cried me shipmates.

"Sheer off.

"That girl, she be a true witch."

And I paid no heed. Oh, Aldetha.

To do that to your legal spoke husband.

Oh!

The story is Blackbeard had her burned.

Burned? I never put a taper to her.
Never!

Down in the horse latitudes,
on a dull day,

I might have keel-hauled a wife or two,

or else walked one off
the end of a plank, yes.

But I never did it for spite.

Funny thing about me,
never did it for spite.

I might have done it out of jest
to keep the spirits of me shipmates up.

Now, to real business.

- Where'd you stow it?
- What?

Your rum.

I don't drink.

Don't drink?

Ship's stores.
Have to seek succor there. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Mistress Stowecroft,
your humble servant.

Servant...

[SINGING]
A bottle of rum, no glasses are left

To drink from the bottle with you, sir

Me dee, fiddle de dee

You don't know what
you're missing, son.

She didn't see you.

- Eh?
- She didn't even hear you.

Oh, why should she?

I'm a kind of a ghost, you know.

In limbo, caught twixt this world
and the next,

beholden to that spell which
brings me to your eyes only.

You mean...

No one can see you except me?

That's about the shape of it, son.

That's why I'll be sailing
alongside of you. See?

Wheresoever thou goest,
there also will I go.

So, let's drink to that.

Are you sure you don't want
to freshen your spleen?

Let's get one thing straight!

I want nothing to do with you!

I'm...

I'm going to bed.

You can go back into the woodwork,
or wherever it is you came from.

Belay that tongue!

One thing old Blackbeard don't take
kindly to, it's them sort of insenuendos.

Come to think of it, I don't care for
the cut of your jib, neither.

If I were to lay this course,
I'd choose a companion,

a hearty companion,
with a little blood on his sleeve.

And a predilection for rum, song,
and for the occasional wench.

But what have I got? Hmm?

I've got a shindly little beanrake...

- Now, wait!
- With the shakes and the whimpers!

What do you mean?

Doesn't even want to join me in a drink!

We're stuck with one another, you and I.

The cruise may well be a long one.

You'd better make the best of it.

And I take this opportunity of
bidding you a very good night.

Hey!

Hey, wait a minute! Get off of my bed!

- Your bed?
- My bed!

My bed?

I captured it from a Portugee
trader at the sack of Cartagena!

I spitted him, clean and sweet,

against the headboard!

Don't rush me.

There it is.

There's your Portugee,
what's left of him.

If you think I'm going to
sleep on the floor...

You've got another thing coming!

Oh, well then, welcome aboard,

and drop your hook.

Devil is the man whoever said that
old Teach was inhospitable.

All I ask is to be able to get to sleep,

because I know...

Because I know when I wake up
tomorrow morning,

none of this will have ever happened.

[SNORING]

[MUMBLING]

[MUMBLING SEA CHANTEY]

[SNORING]

[SNORING]

Up! The Jolly Roger!

Wind freshening, aye, Mr. Bellamy.

- Oh!
- Hoist it again!

El Portugee, it's your daughter I'm after,

senhor, not your bed.

Oh!

Don Mendoza, we meet again.

Pick up your weapon, sir.

Ahhh!

Take my regards to the King of Spain!

Ahhh!

Ha, ha, ha.

Bellamy, oh!

[CRASH]

That's it!

That is absolutely it!

Figment of my imagination
or not, he can have his room,

he can have his bed! I don't need it!

I'm going to "Ye Jolly Roger Motel"

where the salesmen go!

Well...

Nothing like a little
fresh air to straighten you out.

For a while there, I almost
believed there was a pirate.

[GLUGGING]

Oh, no. You're back!

- Right?
- [CHUCKLES]

That be about the measure of it, lad.

I fear there's no way of being
rid of dear old Blackbeard.

Well, that's great.

That is just great!

I couldn't have an ordinary ghost
on my hands, I got a rummy!

A big, ugly, booze-soaked rummy!

Hold on there!

There be no call to put
the fuddler's name

on your new-found shipmate.

Look, lad...

I've been very lonely, see?

I'm just an old hulk
wrecked on a lee shore.

All my shipmates gone.

No one to listen to me no more.

You don't care for me,
that's plain as print.

Shut up, will ya? Shut up.

Aye, aye, sir.

[WHIMPERING]

You wouldn't have such a
thing as a handkerchief

- on your person, would you?
- I don't.

Oh, you must.

Keep your hands to yourself!

[CRYING]

No.

[WHIMPERING]

What manner of craft be this
we're cruisin' in?

What?

This craft.

- It's an automobile.
- Hey?

An automobile!

Oh, is it? Yes. Automonees.

Yes, autosomees.

Hey, sit down!

It's propelled by some animal
under the hatch, is it?

No, sit down!

What do you think you're doing?

I've a mind to have a hand at the helm.

Well, you've got another mind coming!

You're going to k*ll us, you idiot!

Take your hands off!

Or I'll bend a marlinspike
around your loaf!

I'll take the wheel.

I haven't finished my turn yet.

Wait!

- It's my turn!
- Get your hands off the wheel.

Feels like a weather helm.

I'll show her who's master!

No, no, no!

We're in the breakers, boy.

Back the main braces.
Stand by to wear ship, now!

Get your foot off of my dash.

Look out!

Ready about. Hard alee.

Avast, ya lubber!

A policeman!

Let go!

I'll give you the wheel later.

[SIREN]

You've done it now, you dumb ox!

Steer outta the whirlpool.

Man overboard!

Your driver's license, please.

Who's the popinjay?

[WHISPERING]
Will you stay out of this?

Well, Mr. Walker, I see we've been out

getting our nose wet
somewhere tonight.

It so happens, I don't drink.

What is that on the seat beside you?

It looks like a bottle of rum.

May I have it, please?

I believe you're right.
It is a bottle of rum.

Let the swab find his own rum, I say!

Will you give me this bottle and stop
making a nuisance out of yourself?

I'll take charge of that bottle,
if you don't mind.

You let go of the bottle, you idiot!

No need for epithets.

I'm only trying to do my job.

I'm afraid destruction of evidence
isn't going to help you.

Now this be the foulest crime of all,

wasting good spirits!

By thunder, this raises me blood!

No, don't do it!

There's no need for you
to get emotional about this.

You've had the fun.
Now take the consequences.

All right, I shan't harm him.

But this gentleman
needs a lesson in manners.

You're starting to come apart
at the seams.

All itchy, twitchy, talking to yourself.

BLACKBEARD: [SINGING]
Dee dum dee, diddily dydee dum

Diddily dee aye dee diddily dum

Cut it out, will ya, Blackbeard?

All right! Get out of the car!

Watch that thing!

Hey, look out!

Five ba*ls in one load, matey!

Five!

Many's the time off the Maracaibos...

I could have done with
a prime darlin' like that.

Give way, you land lubber!

Whoo hoo!

The key, you idiot!

Turn off the key!

Think you can get away
from me, do you?

Ha, ha!

[GARBLED POLICE RADIO]

[NO DIALOGUE]

Hey, lad! That be better sport

than riding a humpback whale
in a hurricane!

Ha, ha, ha!

Care for a drench, son?

It'll brighten your scan.

You're still here, huh?

Aldetha's testament, I see.

Studying some way to get rid
of poor old Blackbeard?

How'd you guess?

I have been observing thee,

and I note that you have a bent

for getting yourself into trouble.

I get into trouble?

That is really rich! Ha, ha, ha!

Who do you suppose put me here?

Do you think I like this
mortal life of yours?

There doesn't seem to be
any honest joy anymore.

Your modern life seems to
have got small.

Everything's puckered up.

You call this a four poster bed?

Oh!

I'm down.

You won't get no comfort out of that.

If Aldetha laid that spell,
you can mark it a good one,

without no loopholes.

Now wait a minute,
Mrs. Stowecroft told me that curse.

Something about you having
to dwell forever in limbo.

- Limbo.
- Something, something...

Until there be found in you
some spark of human goodness.

Ha, ha!

Aldetha was bright as brass.

She knew me like a book.

You must have done something good.

Did you ever pat a dog?

Dog? Pet it?

Yes.

No, I never did pet it.

Did you ever help an
old lady across the street?

- That's silly.
- Anything?

No.

No, we're sunk, you and me.

Dead as pork.

Might as well...

Face up to it.

The little old ladies,

the Daughters of the Buccaneers.

Your own kith and kin,
give them your treasure.

- My treasure?
- Yeah.

The one people have been
talking about for so long.

It's hidden somewhere around here,
isn't it?

Never mind.

Why should I give them my treasure?

Why, you great ape!

Because you can do some good,
help them.

In helping them,
you might help yourself.

You might break the curse.

- You thinks this, does ye?
- Yes.

If you help those ladies save their home,

they'll name schools, bridges,
and highways after you.

Can't you see it?

"Teach Park."

"Teach Highway." See?

"The Edward Teach Memorial
Free Day Nursery."

Free?

- For babies.
- Oh, for babies.

Named for me, a wicked old pirate?

For nothing more than a
few chests of doubloons

and a few strands of jewels?

You bet they will.

In spite of the fact that I've got the blood

of a thousand gallant lads

still on my hands?

Forget the blood! I'm trying to!

Look, crack loose
with the treasure, huh?

It's the only way.

It don't sound right to me.

Of course it doesn't!

How would a creep like you

know the difference
between right and wrong?

That's why the curse held on so long.

Come on.

Where's the treasure?

- I s'pose I must trust you.
- Where is it?

The treasure?

- Want to know the treasure?
- Yeah.

Where is it?

Where's the treasure?

There ain't no treasure.

There ain't... What?

No! Not a penny!

There's not a doubloon,
not a bent peseta.

That is one of the most outrageous...

People have been searching

for that treasure for over two centuries!

Poor, unfortunate souls
grubbing and digging in the dirt.

I'm not good for nothing, I'm not!

[CRYING]

Don't start crying again.

Look, you must have saved a few coins.

Something?

- I did have a treasure.
- Yeah?

- I had a big treasure.
- Yeah?

Lovely, I did.

I spent it all in one week...

Among the flesh pots and
gambling halls of Port Royal.

It was a glorious week.

You are a 100 percent total loss.

You're not even a respectable ghost!

You're a phony.

Aye?

A phony!

Oh, I've run aground.

If you ask me, the guy was stoned.

I say get rid of him!

The police report said they released
him for lack of evidence!

It says, "although the atmosphere
at the station

"reeked of cheap rum,
the test showed no trace of alcohol."

He probably figured some
way to neutralize the booze.

Science is doing stuff
like that these days.

Well, there's a corollary.

It says that Mr. Walker spoke loudly

to someone in his cell all night long.

Well, there's nothing wrong with that.

There was no one in the cell with him.

He's either stoned or nuts.

Either way, who needs it?

Professor, I left before the auction.

Did you notice any unusual behavior
in Mr. Walker?

Yes, I did.

When Silky Seymour
and his cheap hoodlums

scared everyone else,

he is the only one that
stood up like a man.

That's not fair.

If I may remind you, the Broxton relays
take place next month,

and our team needs its coach,
Mr. Walker.

I still say we ought to saw him off!

Just a minute, Mr. Purvis.

We have fielded a team
in the relays for 63 years.

We'll carry on the tradition
as best we can with Mr. Walker.

I'm sure you won't regret it.

Oh, Professor?

- Yes?
- I realize your field is child psychology,

however I'd appreciate it if
you'd keep an eye on Mr. Walker.

Oh, certainly.

It's the least I can do.

Does it strike you as odd,

that sooner or later all our
track coaches crack up?

I can understand the others,

but this one hasn't even seen the team.

Why has Fellspahr got
his fingers in his ears?

It's on account of the starter.

- You mean...
- Fellspahr's afraid of g*ns.

[g*n SHOT]

The way I figure it, we need more time

to whip these boys into shape.

You don't suppose
they'd postpone the meet?

No.

Okay, fellas. That's it for today.

Hit the showers.

Let's go, fellas! Lots of spirit!

BLACKBEARD: How fares
your day today, eh?

As if I don't have enough troubles.

For a short, wonderful while,
I thought I'd lost you.

You know where I've been?

In Godolphin town, roaming the streets
of my young manhood,

soaking myself in nostalgia.

I know, I can smell it!

As fate would have it,

I went down to a
gambling establishment,

by name, "Silky's Place."

Take off, will you? I've got a lot to do.

I overheard some natives
on this subject of gambling.

Go away! I mean it.

If there's been one passion of my life,

it's been the placing of
a gold or silver coin

upon a wager.

So, when I heard... Listen to this!

Fifty to one on the forthcoming
enterprise of your rabbits,

oh, with all that...

What?

You want to win, don't you?

I can teach you how.

- Forget it!
- Why should I?

I was a good hand at
teaching young crews.

It was no accident
that I was the finest pirate

ever to sail the Spanish main.

Or the Portuguese main,
either, for that matter.

Now, you'll ask with some impatience,

"Why was this?"

I'll tell you why.

I trained my men to win!

Win!

Always win!

By fair means or foul,
by soft words and hard deeds,

by treachery, by cunning,
by malpractice,

but always... Win.

You have the brass to ask me
to let you train my team?

I'm not doing this for myself, believe me.

I'm doing this for those
dear, sweet, old ladies.

Yes, I am.

The little lavender-scented ladies,
I like to call them,

that stagger up their
rickety staircases at night,

their lanterns held aloft,

when the light got bad for knitting,

and say to one another,
"Ellen, where is our ship?

"Of which Blackbeard is captain, and
which may never come to port at all."

Never mind the snow job!

I feel as sorry for them as you do.

Yes, I do!

That doesn't give you leave to
put your bloody paws on my team.

Stay away from those boys!

If we win, which I doubt,
we'll do it without cheating.

Without cheating? Ha, ha!

You've never lived, boy.

Go away!

Go maroon yourself somewhere!

[INDISTINCT]

You don't know what life is made of!

JO ANNE: You see?

There he goes again.

I don't know what his problem is,

but whatever it is, it's a beaut.

Your observations so far
have been inconclusive.

I can't tell if he's all keyed up
over the track meet,

or if there are outside pressures
we don't know about.

I just haven't been able
to get a close-range view.

Pity.

I am having dinner with him tonight.

He asked you to have dinner?

Not exactly. I asked him.

Do you think that's wise?

It's entirely within
my discretionary powers

as head of the committee
to welcome new faculty

and students to Godolphin college.

We don't have any such committee.

We do now.

Oh.

Oh, yes.

[BOAT BELLS]

[BOAT HORN]

Hello, Professor. Nice to see you.

Mr. Walker, we meet again.

Looks that way.

Tell you what. Let me buy you
a good lobster dinner.

Afterwards we'll drop into the back
and have a whirl at lady luck.

Thank you,

but that's not likely.

There's no harm in asking, is there?

Leon, see that my friends
get a nice table.

This way, please.

Enjoy your dinner.

- What's he doing here?
- Mr. Seymour owns this place.

I'm sorry but it's the best
restaurant in town.

Mmm.

SEYMOUR: How's the action?

- I can't tell you how I appreciate this.
- Appreciate what?

- Your suggesting dinner tonight.
- That's all right.

The committee stands
ready to advise, counsel,

and extend a helping hand
to the newcomer, at all times.

Actually, I do need
someone I can talk to.

I've had a problem
for a couple of weeks,

and I've been afraid
to talk to somebody,

because they might think I was silly.

- Please, go on.
- Thank you.

It started the night of the auction.

I sat down on the bed
to remove my shoes,

I wasn't paying much attention
to what I was doing,

and I sat right down on
that antique bed warmer.

I broke the handle right off.

- Don't let that bother you.
- No, it wasn't that.

I think I have the address

of a shop down on Main Street.

Professor, wait a minute.

- Wow!
- What's the matter?

Aren't you afraid to carry all that
around with you?

I'm taking it to the bank in the morning.

It belongs to the Daughters
of the Buccaneers.

The little old ladies and their mortgage.

I hope they're gonna make it.

Mr. Walker, this is only $900.

Unless $37,000, or a miracle,

turns up by tomorrow night,

those ladies will lose their home.

STEVE: Sorry to hear that.

Can't you borrow from the bank?

Not at the moment,

but we were talking about your problem.

Yeah, my problem.

- Mr. Walker?
- Yeah?

Are we looking for somebody?

Yes, my problem.

Your first inclination is gonna be...

[LAUGHS]

Is gonna be not to believe this.

Hear me out, please.

- Certainly.
- It was the night of the auction.

STEVE: That's when he first appeared.

Because of him,
I spent the first night in jail,

and I haven't been able
to get him off my back.

Is he here now?

No, I don't see him around now.

- But I smell him.
- Smell him?

He's got breath that would stun a horse.

He's a booze-guzzling old cutthroat,

and he's latched onto me
as his buddy-buddy.

Does he have a name?

Who does he claim to be?

Uh...

Blackbeard's ghost.

- Blackbeard's ghost?
- Yeah.

JO ANNE: How can you be sure he's
the real Blackbeard's ghost?

STEVE: He's got whiskers...

He's got a cutlass.
He's got the whole bit!

JO ANNE: That must be who
I saw you talking to today.

That's what I've been
afraid to tell anybody.

I mean, they'd think I was nuts.

Well,

I don't think anybody would think that.

You certainly do have a problem.

- I've got a problem.
- Oh, yes.

- Will you order now, sir?
- Yes, thank you.

- Madame.
- Thank you.

WAITER: Our shore dinners are
very good this evening.

STEVE: That sounds good to me,
how about you, Professor?

JO ANNE: The shore dinners
are excellent.

Fine. Two shore dinners.

Very good, sir. Would you like
our special dressing on your salad?

STEVE: That's fine.

JO ANNE: Please, go on.

I don't want to bug somebody
else with my problems.

- I want to hear.
- Okay.

You were telling me how
you met captain Blackbeard.

STEVE: Right. Where was I?

JO ANNE: You were sitting
on your antique bed warmer.

STEVE: Right.
The handle broke right off.

It turned out to be hollow.

I thought nothing of it for a moment,

then I noticed that there was
something rolled up inside.

Dusty old paper.

I thought it was gonna fall apart

right in my hands.

It gave me a funny feeling.

JO ANNE: Oh, you poor man.

STEVE: Did you hurt yourself?

WAITER: I'm so sorry.

It's just a little water.

No harm done.

- Will madame please forgive me?
- Certainly.

- Hi, Danny.
- Hi.

You just missed the first race
at Green Meadows.

BLACKBEARD: "Godolphin...

"To...

"Win."

Nine hundred dollars.

MAN: [ON TV]
They're in the starting gate now.

There's the rabbit, and they're off.

Coming past the grandstand is Pilsen,
leading the field.

Hello Baby is second,
Rainy Weather is third,

and Daddy Dumpling is fourth.

At the first turn,
it's Pilsen by two lengths,

Rainy Weather moving into second,

Hello Baby and Daddy Dumpling.

This your bet, Danny?

Why do you think I'm standing here?

I hope you know what you're doing.

Let me worry about that.

Be right back.

MAN: [ON TV] It's Hello Baby.

Mr. Seymour,

take a look at this.

- Godolphin to win? Who's the patsy?
- Danny Oley.

His money's as good as anybody else's.

What price are you making?

For an old customer,
let's make it interesting.

Say, 50 to one.

MAN: [ON TV] It's Daddy Dumpling.
Aunt Pavla is second,

Pilsen is third, Dandy Andy is fourth.

Okay, Danny.

MAN: [ON TV] It's Dandy Andy,

Aunt Pavla, Daddy Dumpling,
and Snow Queen.

At the finish, it's Snow Queen!

Winsome Lass to win in the second.

What's the matter?

You just made a bet.

Something closing in on you?

This is my bet.

Don't you remember?

You bet Godolphin $900
to win the Broxton Relay.

I bet? Come on.

I wouldn't bet on Godolphin
to start with the letter "G."

Skipping all the technical language

and getting down to the point,

I would say,

if you'll ignore him, he'll go away.

STEVE: He's not so easy to ignore.

Please, try. I know you can do it.

Sitting here with you like this,

I almost believe you're right.

I will try.

Bravo!

Just say, "Farewell, Blackbeard,

"bother me no more."

I like the sound of that,
but just in case it doesn't work,

may I call on you at any time?

Somehow, you give me
a feeling of security.

Oh, certainly.

JO ANNE: Why be the head
of a committee

unless you intend to do your job?

Oh, no.

Sorry about the ice cream.

It's quite all right,

but I think I'll skip dessert.

Just the check, please.

- Keep the change.
- Thank you.

STEVE: Shall we?

Oh, excuse me.

Good night, ma'am.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[BAND PLAYING]

How do you do, ladies and gentlemen?

Mel Willis here, and welcome
to Sports Spectacular,

coming to you this week
from Broxton Field,

home of the famous national
track and field event,

the Broxton Invitational Relays.

As you sports fans know,

there are four college teams
represented here tonight.

Three of these squads
are numbered among

the outstanding teams in the nation.

As for the fourth,

little Godolphin College
from across the river...

In the old days,

the Godolphin track squad
took a backseat to no one.

They had a great tradition,

but those good old days
seem to be gone forever.

Look at this event not as
an ordinary track meet,

but as a preparation for life.

Some of you are graduating soon.

You're gonna find the world out there

full of nothing but trouble,
frustration, and strife.

I tell you right now
that nowhere will you find

a better preparation
for that world outside,

than to be a member
of this particular track team.

All right, it's time to go,

but I want you to know,

no matter what happens
out there tonight,

in my heart,
each one of you is a champion.

Let's go!

Pardon me, Professor.

Oh, Jo Anne.

We can use all the good
wishes we can get.

I certainly do wish your team good luck.

However, that is not why I'm here.

- Oh.
- You may recall

that last night I placed
the sum of $900 in my bag,

and when I opened it this morning,

I found this in its place.

"$900 on Godolphin."

I appreciate the gesture of confidence,
but you shouldn't have done it.

Mr. Walker,
in the first place I do not bet,

and if I did, I would not embezzle funds

that have been placed
in my trust to do it.

- Well then, how did it happen?
- You were the only person

to know that I had
that money in my purse.

It's that rotten pirate.

He took the money meant
for those little old ladies.

Someone took it.

Now I remember. Your purse went off...

You don't think I did it, do you?

You can't expect me to credit that story.

That's exactly what happened!

Didn't you say you
believed in the pirate?

Not $900 worth.

Besides, I believe in him

as a metaphysical image,

not some stupid, sticky-fingered goop.

That's exactly what he is.

- Coach, it's beginning.
- I'll be right there.

I shan't bother you anymore.

I want you to know
that I understand perfectly.

Your motives were good,

even though your reasoning
was perfectly idiotic!

BLACKBEARD: [SINGING]
Oy-de-di-de-do

[HUMMING]

You regard me strangely, son.

Something amiss?

- You took that money.
- Money?

Money. Oh, the odd flimsy

I removed from the purse of
your bookish wench.

Why should that stir your ire?

Because it belongs
to the little old ladies!

You know that I replaced that
money with a piece of paper

what will bring great wealth
to them small old ladies,

money in fifty-fold.

I can't trust no one.

I'll deal with this matter personally.

How do you figure to do that?

By bringing a victory in this sport event,

which is taking place out there
this moment.

Ah ha! I told you once to keep...
Give me that rubbing alcohol!

- Dangerous move, me hearty.
- That's not to drink!

Are you trying to k*ll yourself?

A little late to think about that, isn't it?

Let's get one thing straight.

Keep your grubby paws off of my boys.

I don't know what you're
trying to do out there,

but you're not gonna do it.
My team may not win,

but whatever they do,
they're gonna do it honestly.

Come on, Coach!

We've come in last
in two events already.

Hands off. You got that?

"Come on, Coach, will ya?

"We've come in last
in two events already."

You've never been right.

All right, play it whatever way you like,

you puppy.

You'll get no help from me.

You'll come crawlin' back here, you will.

I'll bring my boot to you,

and I'll grind your mealymouthed jib
into the dirt!

I will.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's going just as I predicted.

Broxton has won the first three events,

followed by Tidewater Tech and State,

and lastly, little Godolphin College,

which has not scored a single point,

nor, in my humble opinion,
seems likely to.

ANNOUNCER: The discus throw.

L.J. Sewell of Broxton College,
the first contestant.

[CROWD CHEERS]

It looks like a new meet record!

ANNOUNCER: Sewell of
Broxton College,

210 feet, 11 inches.

Bagwell, just remember
to let go on the second turn.

Let go second turn. Right, Coach.

ANNOUNCER: Bagwell
of Godolphin College

ready on the discus throw.

How I dread this.

Let go!

ANNOUNCER: Bagwell
of Godolphin...

You know, Dean,
this whole thing bugs me.

You take the profits
made by my football boys,

then go right out and blow it

on sweat socks and stuff
for this crummy team.

Excuse me.

Would you spare me
your usual soliloquy?

JO ANNE: May I speak with you?

Certainly. Anytime.

Run along, fellas.

Professor, what can I do for you?

Well, yesterday,

I shan't explain how,

but $900 belonging to the
Daughters of the Buccaneers

was bet on Godolphin.

Say now,

so the bet was all your doing, huh?

Well, I...

I was wondering if you
would be kind enough

to cancel the bet and give us back
the money?

Professor, I'm a man of principle.

My guardian principle has always been,
a bet's a bet.

But look at those poor old ladies.

You know they have nowhere to go.

SILKY: I've been thinking about
those dear old girls,

living in that drafty inn,
working their fingers to the bone,

living from hand to mouth,

cluttering up that valuable
piece of real estate.

Do they know about this?

Of couse not.
I wouldn't dare raise false hopes.

- Then you won't give it back?
- Sweetness, what do you take me for?

Professor, you'd better hold onto this.

That may become very
valuable someday.

I know your sort.

ANNOUNCER: Ready for the start
of the mile run.

Contestants will take their positions.

BLACKBEARD: My great-great
granddaughters.

- Oh.
- [STARTER g*n]

By thunder!

There be a time for action!

Oh, ladies, Blackbeard's coming.

Up the Jolly Roger!

- Ahh!
- Oof!

Let's see where we stand now.

The mile run is in its second lap.

Leading at the moment is Broxton.

Over at the high jump,
Shockley of Godolphin.

What was that?

Unusual jumping style.

Ow!

Hey, Coach,
Shockley just cleared 6'11 "!

- Our Shockley?
- And they're trying for seven feet!

ANNOUNCER: Shockley
of Godolphin jumping.

ANNOUNCER: He clears the bar
at seven feet.

Great stuff!

We never know, do we?

It only proves that nothing is certain.

Just a moment.
Here's the final lap of the mile run.

Excuse me.

You idiot!

Come back here!

I don't need these, of course,

but just for a moment it looked like
they were running backward.

They are.

Keep going!

[BAND PLAYING]

Come join the Morris dance, lad!

'Twill raise your reedy spirits.

I'm telling you to get off this field,

- right now!
- [LAUGHTER]

If you ask me, he makes a better
pom-pom girl than a coach.

ANNOUNCER: It's Chulay of Godolphin,
ready with the javelin throw.

Stop!

Where do you think you're going?

ANNOUNCER: 270 feet, four inches
for Chulay of Godolphin.

ANNOUNCER: The shot put event,

Wilkins of Broxton College
the first contestant.

Why do you want to enter a protest?

You just won the last three events.

It wasn't us, it was...

- Look. He's at it again.
- I'm looking.

Wilkins is a little off form tonight.

That comes to five feet, 11 inches.

- Did you see that?
- Okay, he flubbed.

What's the big problem?

And now,

Gudger Larkin of Godolphin
is ready with his effort.

It's not much...

It's coming this way.

ANNOUNCER: 72 feet,
three inches,

a new shot put record for Larkin.

I have to see some sweet
old ladies about a bet.

Godolphin to win? Are you crazy?

Not yet, but the evening's still young.

Mr. Seymour!

Ooh!

Stop your babbling.

- Listen...
- We're under pressure, too!

Pressure.

ANNOUNCER: The bar is set at


First contestant, Carson of Broxton.

He's gone too far!

Nail him!

One more disturbance,
you'll be ruled off the field entirely.

Is that clear?

ANNOUNCER: Neilson
of Godolphin College

sets a new record of 17 feet,
five inches.

Go, Godolphin!

- You're never excited at a football game.
- Yeah, Godolphin!

May I tell you something?

Yeah, Godolphin! I hate football.

Yeah, Godolphin!

I've always hated football!

Go, go!

What do you think
of your old matey now?

They could hang me
for what I think of you now!

You are the lowest, most underhanded

miserable excuse for what
used to be a human being

that I've ever been connected with!

I thought I was helping you.

Helping? That's a yock for you.

You said yourself that if
I helped them old ladies,

that that would contribute
towards me own salvation.

You haven't helped anybody.

Haven't helped anybody?

I perceive now how difficult it is

to do a good deed in this...

...dirty world.

I can see now why the very
mention of your name

used to give everybody the creeps.

I'm gonna find a comfortable place

and rest there, somewhere,

and I'm going to stay out of your affairs.

That's the best news I've had in years.

I'm gonna disappear myself,
that's what I'm gonna do.

Mr. Sanctimonious Scupperlout,

sink me if I raise so much as a finger
to help you again.

I'd rather spend a winter of eternities
in limbo

than knock knees a tick longer

with a nit like you.

There, I've said it.

ANNOUNCER: The relay races
are about to begin.

Don't you see what he's trying to do?

He wants to make me
as crooked as he is,

but I've got my principles.

Where would any of us be
without our principles?

You betcha.

Godolphin,

perennial underdog for two decades,

has come back with a big bang.

Coach Walker of Godolphin,
the man of the hour.

Throwing in an attack
of dazzling new techniques,

his inspired team of star performers

is in a tie with Broxton.

Victory hangs in the balance

as we come to the final event.

The question,
what happens as Godolphin faces

Broxton's mighty relay team?

Gentlemen, take your marks.

Set.

[g*nsh*t]

Come on, Broxton! Run, you punk!

Go, Godolphin! Come on!

At the end of the first lap,

the first three runners
are closely bunched.

They pass the baton for
the start of the second lap.

It's Broxton first, Tidewater second,

State third,

and there's the Godolphin man,

laboring along in the rear.

Easy now, Coach. You're tensing up.

Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at him.

How's a dumb pirate supposed
to know what principles are?

- But I do. I shave every...
- I shave, too.

You've gotta live with yourself.

I gotta go with my principles.

- You do that.
- I will.

It's just about all over.

Middle of the second lap,

Broxton is already
half a lap ahead of Godolphin.

Do we win something for fourth place?

I'm afraid not.

You see those little old ladies up there?

I'm gonna let those little old ladies

get tossed right out on their ear.

- How's that for a principle?
- Well...

ANNOUNCER: Beginning
the third lap,

Broxton is first, followed by
Tidewater, State and Godolphin.

Who says you can't win 'em all?

Let's get out of this folk festival.

Look at Silky and his boys.

All they wanna do is squeeze
every loose nickel out of this county.

Just because I have a chance
to cut their water off

doesn't mean I have to get mixed up in it.

Don't sit there now,
you coldhearted creep!

Do something!

What are you going to do about them?

You gonna let them get pushed around
because of my principles?

You started it, finish it!

Move it!

Some day I'm going to strangle him.
Come on, hurry!

As we approach the last lap,

Broxton is leading.

He passes the baton to...

He didn't.

The Broxton anchor man
is running the last lap

with... A hot dog?

Ttidewater makes their pass.

State makes their pass, and...

I believe, yes,

the State anchor man has a bottle.

The Godolphin man who was behind

approaches the passing zone.

Go, Godolphin!

A perfect change! Larkin of Godolphin
is the only one of the four anchor men

to have completed a clean pass.

He streaks past the other contestants,

who are on their way back
to retrieve their batons!

We have a slight hang up
in the passing zone.

Dewey, of State, has got
ahold of Broxton's baton,

it's the hot dog.

Carver of Broxton has got
ahold of two batons.

No, one is snatched away
by Wilson of Tidewater!

Stop foolin' around!

Gudger Larkin has taken advantage
of the rhubarb,

and has forged almost
a third of a lap ahead.

Catch 'em!

Go!

Larkin is still in front,
but the others are hot on his heels!

Stop him!

Not that, you meathead.

Go, Godolphin!

Get up. Get up!

ANNOUNCER: The final event
is won by Godolphin.

Ahh!

Get away from me, you old bats!

We won! We won!

All 45,000 smackeroos!

Technically maybe we won,
but actually...

- Brilliant work!
- When you hear what I have to say...

What is there to say?
The scoreboard says it all!

Thank you, thank you!

Whoa!

Ha-ha-ha!

No rough stuff, old ladies.

You be nice to him.

We're so happy, Mr. Ainsworth
from the bank is coming over,

and you can give him the money.

And on the stroke of midnight, we'd like
Mr. Walker to burn the mortgage.

He's done so much for us.

Where is Mr. Walker,
who's done so much for us?

I believe he's up in his room.

- Is anything wrong?
- Excuse me.

But why go now?

The lads have triumphed,
the wager is won.

Your wench is happy.

There's enough money set aside
for the old ladies.

I fail to define your reason for leaving.

Well, don't strain your brain.

When the mortgage is consigned
to the flames tonight,

there's a very good chance

the horrible curse may be
lifted off my good self,

in which case you may be able
to settle down to a serene,

albeit somewhat dull life, without me.

Look, frizzface,

you think I can stay around
here after what happened tonight?

What am I supposed to do
for an encore?

I'm bailing out.

I'm going somewhere where I can make
a fresh start, honestly, this time.

Very well. It be no concern of mine.

I just think it may be a little early
for you to be striking your colors!

- [KNOCKING]
- Strike... Come in!

Oh. Hi.

Where are you going?

I'm leaving.

After taking my money and stirring
everything up, you're running off

and leaving us in the lurch?
No, you don't!

What are you talking about?
You got it back, didn't you?

No, I didn't.

Silky welshed on the bet.

He what?

He laughed and said
he wasn't gonna pay off.

He's throwing Miss Stowecroft and the
others out first thing in the morning.

Under normal conditions,
if I can remember such a time,

I have a sweet and a loveable nature.

You know what I think?

If I may proffer a suggestion...

Shut up!

Both of you.

Both of who?

I am tired of people thinking and
suggesting and giving me cheap advice.

What I am gonna do,
I am gonna find that happy hoodlum,

and I am gonna ring that money

out of his crooked little neck!

You can't, not in your condition.

What condition?

Anyone can see you're
hallucinating again.

You can't fight Silky and his men.

She's right.
This be a job what takes innards.

Innards?

Well, you just sit here
and contemplate yours.

I've got a job to do.

Permission to come with you, sir?

No, buddy boy.

No more of your big ideas.
I'm calling the shots.

Proud to serve under you, sir.

You mean that?

My word, sir, is the ultimate warranty.

All right, let's go!

Ah ha!

- Make ready the boarding party.
- Thank ye, admiral.

Cutlass. You might need that.

Uh-huh. What?

It's on the bed.

Oh, Steve,

you really have flipped.

Beat to quarters, drummer boy.

[DRUMS PLAYING]

[SINGING] Come cheer up my lads

'Tis to glory we steer

With heads bearing high

We will banish all fear

To honor we call

- You are free men, not sl*ves
- Free men

For who are so free
as the sons of the waves

Hearts of oak are our ships

Jolly tars are our men

We'll always be ready

Steady, boys

We'll fight and we'll conquer

Again and again

Hearts of oak

Steve!

We'll always be ready
steady, boys, steady

I'm not letting you go to that place alone.

Jolly tars are our men

We'll always be ready
steady, boys, steady

We'll fight and we'll
conquer again and again

Once more, lad. Sing out.

Don't mumble!

Come cheer up, my lads

'Tis to glory we steer

With heads bearing high
we will banish all fear

Steve, wait!

For who are so free
as the sons of the waves

Hearts of oak are our ships

Jolly tars are our men

We'll always be ready
steady, boys, steady

We'll fight and we'll conquer
again and again

Oh, you again?

We'd like to see Mr. Seymour.

Look, sister.
I'm telling you once and for all,

Mr. Seymour don't wanna see... Ugh!

[GROANING]

Come on.

Ouch!

I'll be with you in a minute.

Now, what can I do for you?

We're here to collect the money
you owe Professor Baker.

The money I owe her?

You've gotta be kidding.

You're gonna pay her
that money, or I'll...

Or what, Mr. Walker?

Or we might have to get tough.

Do I get some action, or don't I?

Mr. Walker, I have got
to admire your style.

I'll tell you what.

There's no use beating up
a guy who's the town hero tonight.

It's bad for my image.

Professor,

here's the $900
you put down on the bet.

Go ahead, take it.

Oh, no! You know very well we need the
full amount you rightfully owe us.

Professor,

if I pay you back all that loot,

then you'll give it to the old ladies,

who'll pay back the bank, right?

And bingo, there goes
my childhood dream

of running a class gambling joint
like they have out west.

I'm sorry, no dice,

but we have a very nice
roulette wheel here.

Forget this phony bet. Take the $900,

go out there and win
some money honestly.

I'll guarantee you,
you'll sleep better tonight.

Mr. Seymour.

Come up with the money,
or I'm gonna take this place apart.

Yeah?

You have exactly 15 seconds.

- What?
- Take the money, lad.

Let the wench try her luck.

Let her what?

Suppose she loses.

Sure it'll work?

Okay, we'll take it.

What! We most certainly will not take it!

Mr. Seymour has made a very
meritorious suggestion.

You know, Mr. Walker,
I don't understand you.

One minute you're a knight
in shining armor,

- and the next minute, you are a...
- Well, we all make mistakes, right?

Mr. Seymour?

Mr. Walker, it's a smart man
who knows when to crawfish.

Come along, I'll show you to a nice room

reserved for our more
valued-type customers.

But I don't know how to gamble.

This is a good place to learn.

These are friends of mine,
take good care of them.

Okay, Mr. Seymour.

Good luck, folks.

$900 worth, please.

Yes, sir.

Don't worry about a thing.
Just let me handle this.

Ha-ha. I'll take the chips, please.

Yellows are $1,

the reds are $5,

the blues are $25, the whites, $100.

Don't you have any 50-cent chips?

Not in this room.

It's 28 minutes till midnight.


We don't have time to fool around.

Are you trying to lose my $900 again?

No more bets, please.

The number is 31.

That's not my numb...

- Oh, how nice.
- Make your bets, please.

Let it ride.

No, no, you can't win that way.
Put it on one number.

Would you please just
let me do it my way.

No more bets.

Number 32. And we have...

[GASPING]

And we have $36 on number 32!

I won! I won!
I told you I had a talent for this.

Pay me! Pay me!

Good evening, folks.

- What goes on?
- You tell me.

We're doing just great. Now, let's see.

- Put 'em all on...
- Let me do it!

Have you ever played
this game before?

Then leave my chips alone
because I have a system.

What system?

Woman's intuition.

Put 'em all on one number.

Don't you understand?
Time's running out.

Spin the wheel, please.

Watch the board.

Whatever happens,
watch those chips on the board.

Ha-ha!

One more like that, and we're home.

Yeah!

STEVE: Thirty-five times 36 is...

Now, we let it ride.

- Don't fool with it. Go to the gaff.
- Gotcha.

Spin the wheel, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Everything rides on number 20.

Oh, we did it!

Number 15.

So very sorry, ma'am.

Ah ha!

Oh, thee...

JO ANNE: You know what I think?

I think this is a stupid game.

I don't understand,
something must have gone wrong.

I'll say. We lost almost everything.

Don't panic.

We've still got half of the chips.

Scurvy cheat.

STEVE: Put all the chips down.

We put all the chips we've
got left onto one number,

and it comes up, we're still in business.

Make your bets.

The only question is...

JO ANNE: What if it doesn't come up?

Don't worry.

Everything is go, all on 11.

- That's all we have.
- No more bets.

Everything goes on 11.

Relax.

We did it!

Ahh!

Ooh-whoo-whoo!

Come on. We got enough.

What? We're on a winning streak!

Think of those dear old ladies!

We could buy them warm coats,
and cars, and polo ponies.

We've gotta get out of here.

Pay up, will you?

We're in a very big hurry.

Hey, fella.

Yes, sir.

TELLER: $36,000, $37,000,

- $38,000...
- That's enough.

We thank you, the Daughters of the
Buccaneers thank you and good night.

There's still more.
Maybe we should take it for good luck!

Not yet. I just put down a new carpet.

I hear you've done very well.

Not bad.

May I see?

Please.

My, my. That's very nice indeed.

I'm very happy for you.

So, you made out alright,
you took Silky's advice, right?

Why don't you take my advice again,

and let me keep this for you.

No, you don't.

SEYMOUR: This is a lot of bread for
you to be carrying around.

This is a very dangerous neighborhood.

Okay, Professor, give me the bag.

I've been very patient with both of you,
and very civilized.

Okay, boys.

Go on over there, Jo Anne. Go on.

Make with the muscle.

All right, boys, make your play.

Oof!

P-chung.

Psh!

Missed me.

What's the matter with you?
Get up and get him!

And now for Mr. Seymour.

Steve!

Get his g*ns!

Get the g*n!

- Steve!
- sh**t him!

- sh**t him!
- P-chung!

I shot him.

Don't point that thing over here!

All ashore what's going ashore!

Come on!

Steve!

Quite nice, lad.

There's a boat down here.

Proceed, lad. I'll tidy up a bit.

Have fun.

- Oof!
- Oof!

Help! Help!

Come on,

stop fooling around!

Get him any way you can!

Got any idea who we're fighting?

It ain't "who" I'm worried
about, it's "what."

Are we winning, Mr. Seymour?

- Who's that?
- It's me, stupid.

- It's around here someplace.
- If you think that thing scares me...

Stop 'em!

Can't you give us just a little more time?

I'm sorry, ladies,

but I'm always precise in these matters.

According to the terms of this document,

unless you produce
the payment at midnight,

which is just 11 seconds from now.

Eight.

Seven. Six.

Thank you, Mr. Ainsworth.

It's a pleasure to do business with you.

Mr. Walker,

this is the moment that most
of us have been waiting for

all our lives.

Will you burn the mortgage?

Thank you very much,
but that honor's not for me.

Here comes the fella you should thank.

[BLACKBEARD SINGING]

Hello, buddy, I'm glad to see you.

Ladies, all of you repeat after me.

You, too.

Uh... Kree kruh.

Kree kruh.

- Vergo gebba.
- ALL: Vergo gebba.

- Kalto kree.
- ALL: Kalto kree.

Allow me to present
your real benefactor.

Captain Blackbeard!

My respects, ma'am.

Good ladies, your welcome
has touched me deeply.

Loathe as I am to play the gallant,

I am bound to say

that I've never beheld
a concourse of fair creatures

which has stirred me more.

Oh, yes.

Thank ye for your esteem.

You cannot know what it has been
like for a person of my disposition

to have been still of tongue,
to have no one to talk to

for two hundred accursed
and dusty years.

Yet now, my voice is heard once again.

I do thank you.

Yet stay, it is not my wish,

as a person

as generous as my good self,

to seek to take the
lion's share of the glory.

Oh, no.

This young

rooster,

my good friend,

he played a modest part

in your delivery from disaster.

- Well, I...
- Not now, son.

Our heart is too full to hear more.

Now, if I might have that vile document.

[GASPING]

Aldetha,

the time is here.

I go now.

To a distant,

and I hope, hospitable shore.

I beg of you,

take notice of this.

I, Edward Teach,

Captain,

affectionately known

as Blackbeard,

was not all bad.

Look after this boy. He needs help.

- Fare thee well, lad.
- Goodbye, captain.

We will not meet again.

Oh, uh,

beware all wenches.

[SINGING] For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

He's a jolly good fellow

And so say all of us

Share this one amongst you,
me beauties.

You know, I think I'm gonna
miss the old scoundrel.

You know something?

I loved you even when
I thought you were nuts.

Look!

[BOAT BELL RINGING]

MAN 1: Captain, proud
to see you again, sir.

MAN 2: Where have you been?

MAN 3: You're a sight for
sore eyes, you are.

BLACKBEARD: Now, you lazy swabs,
stir yourselves!

Lift anchor. Shake out the main.

Lively now or I'll carve your gizzard

and fry it for me supper!

Ha-ha-ha!

BLACKBEARD: Ha-ha-ha-ha!