Gnome Mobile, The (1967)

[bunniefuu]

Get this on the twix,
will you, Nell?

Chicken feed, Ralph I've said it once
I've said it a hundred times

I know, D.J.
Now, about Seattle...

Don't miss the meeting on the 23rd

I called the airport, Mr. Mulrooney
The Boston plane is on time

Then I'd better be going
Can't keep these people waiting

How about the Henderson deal?

Wire them two million five
Take it or leave it

I wonder if you'd okay this, D.J.

Not another electronics company, Paul
[Snaps Fingers]

We can pick it up for a song And since
we've gone into plastics so heavily...

Plastic, toys, electronics
What next?

There's one thing you young fellas
seem to forget

We are in the lumber business

We started out in lumber
and lumber is still number one

Of course, D.J.

But if it'll make you happy,
go ahead and buy it

Well, thank you, sir

- Oh, not that one, Gregg The Rolls
- The Rolls? Right, sir

May I have your undivided attention
for 30 seconds, D.J.?

- Yes, Ralph
- I can't emphasize enough

the success of the Seattle deal
depends on your being there

I'll do my best to make it, but in case
I miss, you've got all the facts

That's not good enough They don't
want me or Logan or Winkler

They've been promised D.J. Mulrooney

They want that 50,000 acres of timber
Now, that's our bait

- And don't you forget it
- Of course

But if you're not in Seattle,
the whole deal goes down the drain

I'll be there, Ralph
Now, will you please stop worrying?

Ah, there she is

As beautiful as the day
I first brought her home

Remember? We had just put together
that Sagatuck lumber deal

And all the profits went right into
this car I remember perfectly

Yeah Well, that was in the days
when I only had one million

Still had to impress people

- I'll be doing my own driving, Gregg
- Yes, sir

Special occasion I'm meeting
some very important people

You've only got a half an hour
to get to the airport

Don't worry I'll make it
I always do, don't I?

Five minutes early Why don't you run
your planes on time?

It was the tail wind, Mr. Mulrooney

Well, it's very important that
I should be here to meet them

- We're very sorry
- Where are they? Where are they? Where...

Grandfather!

- Hi, Grandfather
- Hi, Rodney

My goodness, but you've grown
And, Elizabeth...

Well, you look more like your mother
every time I see you

- How is she?
- Fine She told me to give you her love

- And Dad said he'll bring you
champagne from Paris
- Good

That's the sort
of a son-in-law I like

Oh, how were these passengers?
Well behaved, I hope

The perfect travelers It was
a pleasure to have them with us

- Good-bye, Elizabeth
- Good-bye

Good-bye, Rodney

Where are we going, Grandfather?

Oh, I thought maybe we'd head up
the Redwood Highway

I used to take your mother there
when she was your age

Then we'll follow our noses
on up to Seattle

Seattle?
Can we go on the yacht?

I've got a new one now


Does 25 knots,
if she's pushed

- Oh, boy!
- Cost nearly a million dollars

Well, how come
if you're so rich

you drive a funny
old car like this?

"Funny old car"?

I tell you, young man, this is a fine
car You won't find its like anymore

- Well, it's certainly a pretty car
- Yes, but how fast does it go?

Oh, fast enough
to get us there

When I get a car,
it's going to be a Maserati

Oh, Rodney, you're always
talking so big

Oh, there's no harm
in that, son

When I was a young lad in Ireland, I always
dreamt of owning myself a jaunting car

Ajaunting car?
Never heard of that make

Well, Rodney, my boy,
it was the Maserati of its time

Real cool Hot stuff
One horsepower

- One horsepower?
- Yes, sir

[music] In me jaunting car
me jaunting car [music]

[music]joggin' along
in me jaunting car [music]

[music] I'm the handsomest sight by far [music]

[music]Joggin' along in me jaunting car

[Whistles, Honks Horn]

[music] Oh, the seats are leather
and face to face [music]

[music] The wheels go round
at a merry pace [music]

[music] And given a horse
that loves to race [music]

[music] I'll bet I could win
the steeplechase [music]

[music] In me jaunting car
me jaunting car [music]

[music]joggin' along in me jaunting car [music]

[music] I'm the handsomest sight by far [music]

[music]joggin' along in me jaunting car [music]

[Whistles, Honks Horn]

[music] I called on
Jennifer Jane Magee [music]

[music] To come along on a jaunt with me [music]

[music] Traveling merrily near and far [music]

[music]She fell in love

[music] With me jaunting car [music]

[music] In me jaunting car
me jaunting car [music]

[music]joggin' along in me jaunting car [music]

[music] I'm the handsomest sight by far [music]

[music]joggin' along in me jaunting car [music]

[music] In me jaunting car
me jaunting car [music]

[music]joggin' along
in me jaunting car [music]

[music] I'm the handsomest sight by far [music]

[music]joggin' along in me jaunting car [music]

- Lunchtime
- Great

Where's the restaurant?

Right here I thought it'd be fun to have
our first meal together in the open air

- Look, Rodney
- "Mulrooney Grove"

Grandfather, are these
wonderful trees all yours?

Every single one of them
Mine, yours, everybody's

What did you do, buy 'em?

All that sign means is

that I had the privilege of seeing
that they'll always be here

- just for people to look at?
- Exactly

My, they're big

Must've taken
a long time to grow

Four thousand years
for some of them

Tuna Ham

So beautiful
Like being in fairyland

Don't go too far away now

Rodney's hungry, and there might not
be anything left when you get back

- Having trouble, son?
- No peanut butter and jelly

Oh, dig down They're probably
down near the bottom

You know, she...
she could be the one

I wouldn't if I were you
Don't do it

Well, of all of'em I've seen,
she's the one I think I could trust

- You can't trust any of them
- That's right That's right

- But I have to talk to someone
- [Owl] Talk to me

- Anytime
- [BlueJay] And us

Just as much as you like

Well, I have talked to you,
all of you

And there's not one of you
can help me with my problem

- Don't do it, Jasper
- [Owl] Only mean trouble

- What trouble?
- Gnome hunters, that's what

Gnome hunters,
all over the place

Our woods will be full of'em And none
of'em can keep their mouths shut

Blab, blab, blab

- No peace for any of us anymore
- No peace at all No peace at all

My mind's made up

[Screams]

I, uh, didn't mean to frighten you

Oh, you didn't

Yeah, but I'll bet you're
surprised to see a gnome

Oh, not really

I was just thinking what a lovely place
this is for gnomes

Are there many of you living here?

Well, that's... that's my problem

If it weren't for that, I wouldn't be
showing myself to a doo-deen

A "doo-deen"?

Well, that's what we
call you big people

Am I the first doo-deen
you've ever spoken to?

Yeah, yeah All my friends
advised against it, but...

Well, I had to talk to someone

Well, if I'm the first doo-deen
you've ever spoken to

how is it you speak
such good English?

Uh, English?

The language we've been talking

Well, now, don't that beat all

And here I've been wondering how come
you spoke such good Gnomish

And me father'd no more'n than
took his eyes off the leprechaun

for less time than it takes to say
"Seanny O'Shannon's shillelagh"

when, whoosh, the little creature up
and disappeared on him

You don't really believe in that
silly stuff, do you, Grandfather?

- Why not?
- There's still no peanut butter

- Oh, they probably got the labels mixed
- [Elizabeth] Grandfather!

Grandfather, please,
you've got to come quickly

- I promised him we'd be right back
- Promised who?

- The gnome The gnome!
- The what?

And he's got
a simply awful problem

Oh, not just a gnome, but a gnome with
a problem Now, that is something

- Hey, I found one
- Good

But, Grandfather,
he's waiting to talk to you

- To me? But why me?
- Because I told him

if anyone could help him
with his problem, it was you

- You've got to come He's waiting
- Well, come on, Rodney

We've got to go talk to a gnome

Now, Elizabeth, on the possibility
this little fellow isn't there...

- He'll be there
- About six inches high, I imagine

- Taller than that
- Little yellow cap
and buckles on his shoes?

His hat was green,
and I didn't notice any buckles

I don't understand that
In all the stories about leprechauns...

I didn't say he was a leprechaun
He said he was a gnome

Oh, a gnome
Well, that's different

That's the place
I'm here! I've brought him!

Yoo-hoo! Jasper!

- His name's Jasper
- Oh?

- Jasper!
- Jasper!

- Jasper!
- Jasper!

- Jasper!
- Jasper!

The girl, all right,
I maybe could go along

But how about him?

You ever seen
a fiercer-lookin' critter?

He, uh...

He does look awful shifty
about the eyes

Jasper! Jasper!

Maybe this is the wrong place
Forests can fool you

But, Grandfather,
this was the place

Well, it could be the little lep...
gnome had second thoughts

on seeing me, I mean

Now, a little girl, that's one thing,
but an old curmudgeon like myself...

- [Crying]
- And it could be in her imagination too

I didn't imagine him!
I did see him!

Of course you saw a gnome, darlin'

But not with these eyes
These up here

That's where all the little folks live

Like gnomes, elves, leprechauns,
whatever you want to call them

But, Grandfather, honest,
I talked to him Jasper!

Jasper!

They're making her into a fool,
and all on account of me

Come on, darling
We best be getting back

Now, you must be
really hungry by now

But he was right there
He was right there

I can't let it end like this
Hey, you!

- She did too see a gnome!
- Who said that?

- I think it's him
- Uh-oh Now you've done it

Come on out and show yourself

Don't do it, Jasper Don't do it

What kind of a trick is that
to play on a little girl?

- Come on, darling
- Oh, Grandfather

Hold on, you!

- Jasper!
- Seanny O'Shannon's shillelagh

There, Grandfather, you see?

Why

yes

A gnome
You see him, Rodney?

I still think it's
Elizabeth's imagination

Jasper, this is my brother Rodney
and my grandfather

Glad to see you, Jasper
Say hello to him, Rodney

- Hi
- [Jasper] Is this
the wizard you spoke of?

The one with all the solutions?

So you're the gnome
with the problem

Tell him what you told me

Well, instead of that, since seeing
is believing with you doo-deens

follow me

Come on!

Well, there's my problem

My old grandpa just lies there

a-growin' more "see-throughish"
with every passin' hour

What's making him
so see-throughish?

Well, I'm not an authority on gnomes

but if they're anything like
leprechauns, they live on and on

- But only if they want to
- You mean they just fade away?

Jasper, have you any idea what
made him lose his will to live?

Grandpa's given up all hope

of ever seeing me married
and having young'uns of my own

Why is that?

Well, Grandpa and me, we're,
uh, we're the last of the gnomes

There's no gnome maidens
for me to marry up with

Well, now, that is a serious problem

Jasper

Jasper boy, is that you I hear?

It is, Grandpa

I'm, uh... I'm talking with some friends

[Grandpa]
Oh, that's nice

That's nice I'm happy for ya

They're, uh, doo-deen friends

Mm, good Good
Now, go away... Doo-deens?

Now, Grandpa, before you get
your dander up, they mean to help us

Help from doo-deens?
You gone plumb out of your senses?

It's doo-deens that's been
the cause of all our troubles

I know that, Grandpa Only
these big'uns are, well, different

There ain't no such a thing
as a different doo-deen

That's why, in all my 900 years

I've never let one of'em so
much as lay an eye on my boot

- Now, Grandpa, if I may...
- Not one step further, doo-deen

Ailin' I may be

but not enough to let you get ahold
of me without puttin' up a fight

- My grandfather just wanted to help
- Help?

Sayin' you could help,
why would you wanna?

Because you've got a problem, and my
grandfather is good at solving problems

Well, you don't say

Jasper told me that there
are rumors about gnomes

living in other forests

Ah, idle cluckin' of gossipy animals

And Grandfather's got a wonderful car,
and he'll drive you anywhere

- Won't you, Grandfather?
- Now, just a minute, darlin'

- And what about the yacht?
- Oh, please, Grandfather

Well, dear, I do have
to be in Seattle

[Grandpa]
Supposin'I was to go with ya?

I hear tell how you big ones
treat free things in the forest

How ya put 'em in cages
and sell 'em as curiosities

Exhibit 'em to other doo-deens

Oh, we'd never do that,
would we, Grandfather?

We'll give you our most solemn word

we won't even mention
your existence to another soul

Nobody'd believe us anyway

[Jasper]
It's our only chance, Grandpa

What do you say?

Well, not that I got any hopes
of findin' gnomes, mind you

but you do got somewhat of an honorable
look about your eyes, so...

Yahoo!
We're going! Yahoo!

Oh, Grandfather, you're wonderful

Yippee!

We're going!

Well, if I may coin a phrase

he's jumpin' out of the frying pan
into the fire

Yes, sir Smack into the fire

[music] [Whistling]

[music] The gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Sooner or later
we feel that we'll [music]

[music]Find where they are
with the gnome-mobile

[music] In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Sooner or later
we feel that we'll [music]

[music] Find where they are
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[Whistles, Honks Horn]

[music] As we ride along
through the countryside [music]

[music] We're keeping
our peepers open wide [music]

[music] Looking to find
where she may hide [music]

[music] The beautiful gnome
for Jasper’s bride

[music]In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile

[music] We're hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Sooner or later we feel that we'll [music]

[music]Find where she is
in the gnome-mobile

[music] Oh, the gnome-mobile
is a grand machine [music]

[music] The like of which
I have never seen [music]

[music] But you're going too fast
you big doo-deen [music]

[music] When I look where I'm going
that's where I've been

[music] In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile [music]

[music] We're hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Sooner or later
we feel that we'll [music]

[music] Find where they roam
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile [music]

[music] We're hunting for gnomes
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Sooner or later
we feel that we'll [music]

[music] Find where they roam
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] [Whistles]

Well, I must say,
Jasper was right for once

- You doo-deens are different
- Thanks, Grandpa

You don't have to keep calling me
Grandpa The name's Knobby

Knobby, just call me D.J.
Everyone does

D.J. Don't come much shorter than that
[Laughing]

Grandfather, where do we start
this gnome-hunting?

Well, I figure the most likely place
would be a virgin forest

Now, I happen to know of a 50,000-acre
patch of timber

that's never been touched by...
by doo-deens

- Is it very far?
- [D. J] Oh, we can't make it tonight

We'll have to stop over somewhere
But we'll make it easy in the morning

Jasper, what happened
to all the other gnomes?

Well, I was, uh, too little
to remember much about it

But I've heard it said that
they migrated, a lot of'em

'Tweren't that at all

Well, what about all the fern seeds
failin' and the food gettin' scarce?

- Why, I heard that...
- I don't care what you "heared"

I'm tellin' ya I was there

It was the choppin' down of the trees
that made the gnomes disappear

I remember it
like it was yesterday

Everything was
so pleasant and peaceful

Everybody mindin'
their own business

Then all of a sudden, "Timber!"

Trees started
a-comin'down, a-fallin'.

And a-crashin' like giants,
they came down

It was "timber" on the right
and "timber" on the left

And the gnomes
a-panickin' and a-runnin'

and a-fallin' down and
a-bumpin' into each other

And comin' right behind 'em
all the time was the big axes

a-slashin' and a-cuttin'
and, "Timber!"

Grandpa, I remember the...

You remember nothin'
You weren't no bigger'n that

I grabbed you in my arms
and started to run

And right behind me
I hear, "Timber!"

And I looked back
over my shoulder

and here come one of those giants
fallin' right at me

- How did you escape?
- I didn't It landed right on me

Did it k*ll you?

No I ducked down
a rabbit hole

But I was under that there tree
for 40 days and 40 nights

And when I finally
dug myself out

there were dead trees everywhere
and nary a gnome in sight

- How awful
- Oh, the carnage

And them infernal axe swingers

They wouldn't give up
They kept a-comin' and a-comin'

And the worst of'em all
was that Mulrooney outfit

- Mulrooney?
- But, Grandfather...

Shh! Don't interrupt
while he's talking

I never seen the blackguard
himself face-to-face

but I seen them henchmen
of his often enough

a-slashin'and a-cuttin'
and a-destroyin'.

"Mulrooney's Marauders,"
we called 'em

Now, just a minute

It so happens
that my grandfather is...

In complete accord
with you, Knobby

Any vandal who cuts down trees
indiscriminately ought to be...

Well, he ought to be
taken out and horsewhipped

Yes, sir
Thoroughly horsewhipped

Well, here we are Everything secure
in the gnome department?

Oh, please get down, Knobby

You don't want
the other doo-deens to see you

Packin' us in here like we was
a couple of sandwiches

And me, at my age

I'll take this Thanks

Hey, you You can't park
that thing there

I won't be staying long,
my good man

The name is Quaxton of
Quaxton's Academy of Fantastic Freaks

Brilliant show
Don't miss it

[music] [Rock On Radio]

Hello, sport

Well, you look like
an intelligent patron of the arts

Here

Accept these free tickets
with my compliments

A rare opportunity to enlarge
the experience and broaden the mind

Two bedrooms and a sitting room
in one of the cottages?

Oh, you are the lucky one, sir
There's one left

Oh! [Screams]

I'm very sorry, sir, but dogs
are not allowed in the hotel

- But they're not dogs
- They're geese
- [Knobby] Geese?

Shh Grandpa, Grandpa, shh

- [Muffled Yells]
- And very well trained too

I'm very sorry, sir, but the rule
is unbreakable No pets of any kind

Who said anything about pets?

These geese happen to be
investments Business investments

Royal Abyssinian geese

And very rare

You do not seem
to understand, sir

This hotel does not permit
any animals of any kind whatsoev...

[Gasps]
Oh, Mr. Mulrooney

- Oh, I am so...
- [Knobby] Mulrooney!

- The marauder himself
We've been trapped
- Shh

Let me out of here!
[Screaming]

Grandpa, be quiet

[Muffled Screams]

[music] [Loud Music]

Here Show Mr. Mulrooney
to his room

[Yelling Continues]

A little action, please
Quick, quick, quick

You unlock this thing
Let me out of here

Pardon me, sir Are those voices
coming from there?

Correct A peculiar trait
of Abyssinian geese

They make sounds
just like people

[Knobby]
You hear me? Answer me

[music] [Continues]

[Knobby Shouting]

That's fine Thank you
Thank you Set it down

- Thank you, sir
- That's all right

Whew!

All right, Rodney
You can turn off the music now

We've been trapped Let me out of here
Let me out Let me out

Grandpa, be quiet

- You connivin', double-dealin' doo-deen
- Now, Grandpa, settle yourself down

How can I settle myself down

when I find myself travelin' in
the very company of me own worst enemy?

Knobby, that is not so

Unscrupulous, lyin' prevaricator

Gettin' us to leave our Redwood
sanctuary under false pretenses

Oh, but he's a schemin' one

- He did it for you
- We'd rather be in Seattle

Oh, don't give me none your druthers,
ya... ya Mulrooney-in-the-makin'

[D. J] All right, Knobby
Enough of this yelling now

You want to arouse
the whole neighborhood?

Grandpa, even sayin'
what you're sayin's true...

Of course it's true

Are you insinuatin'your
own grandfather's a liar?

No, Grandpa I'm only askin'ya to give
Mr. Mulrooney a chance to explain

I ain't listenin'to nothin'more
that one's got to say

Mulrooney
Lyin', cheatin', schemin'...

Knobby Knobby
Calm down now and listen a minute

I'm only trying to help

Ah, no, you don't, Mulrooney
I fell for that line afore

Now, I'm a little different
from a lot of other lumbermen

You can say that again
You're the worst

- You want to find gnomes, don't you?
- Not with you, I don't

Knobby, supposing, just
for the sake of argument

that everything you say
about me is true?

- Ah, then you admit it
- I do not admit anything

I'm only saying that even if
it were true, that's all in the past

Yesterday Let's talk about tomorrow

[Knobby]
Whose tomorrow? Yours?

No Yours, you rock-headed
little mule, and Jasper's

Now, we're doing everything
we can to help you

And I told you I don't want nothin'
to do with no help from you

Grandpa, please, just try to hear
Mr. Mulrooney out Try to trust him

I rather trust a predatory vulture
with a hungry eye

and an empty belly

All right, Knobby, I've had it
I've tried everything

even humbled myself in the hope
that you'd see the light

And hope is all you've got left, you
stubborn old donkey This is the end

Tomorrow morning, first light of day,
we're going back to the Redwoods

And we're gonna drop you off
and be free of you

And from that moment on, as far as
I'm concerned, you never even existed

And that goes for me too

[Elizabeth]
But, Grandfather...

Now, I'm gonna get the car serviced, and
I don't want to waste a minute tomorrow

- Can I come with you?
- Yes, come on

Without a doubt, the most
exasperating, ornery gnome I ever met

Then do we go right on
to Seattle, Grandfather?

And the yacht
And the sooner the better, son

- Where's the nearest service station?
- Turn right

two blocks, at the corner
of Elm and Grange

Thank you

[Man On TV]
Here in nature's kingdom

dwell the regal giants
of the forest

the great sequoias,
monarchs of all they survey

Pictures, Grandpa,
from right out in the air

Well, take a look
It'll make you feel better

I ain't gonna feel better
till I get out of here

Older than written history itself,
they tower above their surroundings

Look It's the Redwoods

Yet, in man's scheme of things,
these great trees have practical use

as well as aesthetic value

Well, what do you know?
My Redwoods

From these forests,
selected trees are taken

And when the lumberjack's cry
of "timber" echoes through the woods...

[Grandpa Yelling]

Them bloody blackhearted
blackguard doo-deens!

- [Grandpa Yelling]
- Timber! And another giant comes down

to serve the needs of mankind

- Settle down, Grandpa
- [Click]

Shh Now, calm yourself

[Ringing]

Hello Yes

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you,
miss, but there's been an accident

A bad accident

Oh, no Not grandfather

I'm afraid so It's your
grandfather's Rolls-Royce

Is he hurt?

- Well, he can't talk to you right now
- But where is he?

- Where did it happen?
- At the corner of Elm and Grange

And he wants you
to come right away

I'll be right there

- They don't make 'em like this anymore
- You're right there, sir

These new jobs are all right
on the highway

but you take a car like this,
it's built to go places

Yes, sir That'll be 620, sir
Out of 10

Keep the change It's nice to talk
to a man who appreciates cars

- Yes, sir Thank you, sir
- [Tires Screech]

- Grandfather, you're all right!
- Of course we're all right

They said there'd been an accident,
that you and Rodney were hurt

- Who told you?
- Someone on the telephone

In the car, quickly

Watch out, sir!

Yeah All right
Thank you

Only what I expected
Nobody in the hotel saw anything

Why don't you call the police?

No, not the police Tell the police,
and the papers would be full of it

That's just what we promised
Knobby wouldn't happen

This is a job
for my own security staff

I can trust my own team,
and that's just what we need now

Operator, would you get me
person-to-person San Francisco,

Mr. Ralph Yarby?

- How am I doing, Doc?
- Sound as a dollar

- [Woman] Mulrooney Medical
- I only hope D.J. checks out as well

- If I can ever get him up here
- Oh, yes He's here

Mr. Yarby, it's for you
D.J.'s on the line

D.J.?

D.J., where are you? We've been
trying to reach you for...

Ralph, they're gone Missing

- Gone? Not...
- That's right

- Kidnapped
- Well, have you notified the police yet?

Ralph-boy, they're the last ones
in the world I want to call now

Good thinking, D.J.

The press get a hold of this
and the kidnappers get scared

and the children have had it

Who said anything about children?
Now, listen, Ralph

this is gonna be hard for someone like you
to accept, but you've got to believe me

- Do you understand?
- Well, I always understand, D.J.

Well, it's the gnomes
who have been kidnapped

The gnomes

Uh, D.J., something seems to have
gone wrong with the phone

Would you mind
repeating that last?

Can you hear me now?

You're coming through clear now

I said a pair of gnomes
Little people

Now, there's not
a minute to lose

I want you to put our security people
on this right away And I mean right now!

Security
Uh, right now Right away

And remember, nobody's to know about
this besides our own people

or there's no telling
what might happen

You couldn't be more right, D.J.

Look Where are you right now?

Cedar Creek Lodge

Right I'll fly up there
and meet you there tonight

All right Good-bye
Get me security

This isn't a case for security

What D.J. needs now
is a psychiatrist

- You think he's lost his marbles?
- I'll get in touch with Conrad Ramsey

He's got a place not far from there

An old estate he's turned
into a private sanitarium

D.J. will never sit still
for a psychiatrist

Suppose he thinks he's meeting
a private detective?

An expert with a great organization
for handling cases such as this

Well, yes
Yes, I think that might work

[Barking]

I still wish you'd brought a couple
of our own security men along

Our men are good, D.J.

but as you just said, this is a special
case, and it needs a special man

But this Ramsey guy, has he handled
cases like this before?

One after another

Funny I never heard of him

Good evening, gentlemen
Welcome to Five Oaks

Thanks
Quite a place you've got here

You know, this Ramsey
must do all right

This layout makes Brinks and Pinkerton
look like a couple of pikers

In all honesty, D.J., you can't even
put them in the same category

Now, don't say
it can't be done

Yarby tells me that you often work
on cases like mine

- Oh, yes, Mr. Mulrooney All the time
- Locating lost gnomes?

Well, gnomes, no

But we have uncovered
some strange things in our time

- Very well, then
- Now, getting back to the little men

You say you first saw them
in the Redwoods?

That's right We took them
as far as Cedar Creek with us

And that's where
they were kidnapped

- Where they disappeared, you mean
- I said they were kidnapped

- and I mean kidnapped!
- Yes, yes, yes

Now, during the trip, did anybody else see
them besides you and your grandchildren?

Someone else had to see them, of course,
or how would they have gotten kidnapped?

Well, that's a good question

Yes, and that's one that you have
to find the answer to

Everything
you've said thus far

leads me to believe
that you did see gnomes

Of course I saw them!
What do you think I'm doing here?

But not with these eyes
With those up here

That is where all the little people,
the gnomes, the gremlins

or whatever you like
to call them live

[Buzzing]

Ralph, this guy thinks I'm nuts

- Now, D.J., just calm...
- I say he thinks I'm nuts!

- He thinks that I'm nuts!
- Not "nuts, '"Mr. Mulrooney

Just, shall we say, over fatigued

What is this, Ramsey?
Who are these fellas?

Uh, my assistants

- Would you come with me, please?
- Yarby, what have you done?

Yarby, you double-crosser I ought to
break you in a dozen pieces!

Let go of me, you th*gs
Let go of me Yarby, you're fired!

Why are you doing this to me?
[Shouting, Indistinct]

[TV: g*nshots, Shouting]

Don't you think it's about time
for bed, children?

We'll wait up for grandfather

Well, he's liable to be tied up
for a long time

[Phone Rings]

Hello Grandfather?

Oh It's for you

Thank you, Rodney
I'll take it in the bedroom

Wait just a minute
You can hang up now, Rodney

Thank you

[Whispering]
Rodney, that is not nice

Mr. Yarby, am I glad
to hear from you

- How are the children?
- Fine Only...

Well, I'm sure
they suspect something

Oh, I was afraid they might
Are you free to talk?

- Yes
- Well, uh

here's the way things
shape up from here

It's much worse
than we thought

D.J. got violent

- Oh, how awful
- He's going to be here for quite some time

Dr Ramsey's fixed up a room
for me next to D.J.'s

So, if you want me for anything,
at least for the next couple of days

you can call me
at this number

Uh, Ramsey's Five Oaks

Klondike-5-3-1-1-1

Room 302 Got it?

- Got it
- Fine

Thank you, Mr. Yarby
Good-bye

Gee, it must be getting late

- I'm bushed
- Me too

Guess we might just
as well get to bed

That does sound like
a good idea, doesn't it?

- Good night
- Good night, Rodney

- Good night
- Good night, Elizabeth

They've got Grandfather locked up
They think he's nuts

But they can't Not grandfather
What are you doing?

We're going to rescue him

But we don't know
where this Five Oaks is

It's down the road
I saw it as we came in

Come on

- Do you really think we should?
- Sure Why not?

But you haven't got a license

Of course not
I'm too young to have a license

And what if you get caught?

Look, it's Grandfather's car,
isn't it?

And we're taking it
to him, aren't we?

And it is an emergency, isn't it?

[Engine Starts]

You'll have to help
Get down by the pedals

Push that one down

Now, let it up

Well, let's try another gear

[Gear Grinding]

Get ready to stop

Now

What are you taking those for?

To make sure that
I'm ready for anything

You stay here
Grandfather and I'll be back soon

How will you be able
to find Grandfather's room?

- I mean, you can’t just ask
- I won't have to

I know it's on the third floor
I'll just listen

No one's got a snore like Grandfather

[Snoring Loudly]

[Mumbling]

How is he?
Is he all right?

Relax, Mr. Yarby
He's sleeping like a baby Listen

[Snoring]

[Door Opens, Shuts]

[Barking]

[Barking]

- Quiet, boy It's nothing
- [Barking]

[Snoring]

[Snoring]

[Snoring]

[Whispering]
Grandfather Psst

Grandfather

Grandfather

Rodney

Why, you little rascal

[Door Rattling]

[Snoring]

[Snoring Loudly]

[Snoring Continues]

I don't sound that bad, do I?

- Well, let's start snoring off this bar
- [Both Snoring]

[Snoring, Saw Grinding]

[Snoring, Grinding Continue]

There

[Snoring]

Now, then, in the old days

I used to bend a bar
twice this size

[Snoring]

I'll get it on the next exhale

It's not scary as long
as you don't look down

Young man, I was climbing trees and
topping them out before you were born

- This is the difficult part
- Won't worry an old high-climber like me

You just be very careful

Oh, sure

Timber!

[Crash]

Grandfather, you hurt?

Nope, son
It's the old Mulrooney luck

Fall in a glasshouse and come up
smelling like a petunia

Let's get out of here

- [Alarm Blaring]
- What happened? What's wrong?

- He's gone
- D.J.! Oh, no!

- [Alarm Continues]
- Faster, Grandfather Faster

I'm going as fast as I can

There he is!

Come on!

After him, Duke

Up here in the tree!

Watch out, Grandfather!

Hurry, Grandfather

D.J., come back!
Come back!

Help me

You shouldn't have done it, D.J.

- Anybody on our tail?
- Nobody in sight, Grandfather

- [Elizabeth] What do we do now?
- Can't say, darlin'

But one thing's for sure
Whatever it is, we do it alone

Sure can't count on
that Mulrooney team

Next question is,
who could've seen the gnomes?

The desk clerk?

- I doubt it
- Maybe the bellboy

I know The fellow with
the fantastic freaks

Fantastic freaks?

He was in the lobby putting up posters
and he gave me these

Uh-huh

"Quaxton's Fantastic Freaks"

Highway 175

South of Homerville, huh?

Rodney, my boy, you've just hit on
a very possible possibility

[D. J]
Here it is

[Rodney]
It sure is a crummy-looking place

[Elizabeth]
Oh, I do hope they're all right

You two wait here
This shouldn't take long

Quaxton!

- Hold it, you
- What's happenin', Char...

Breakin' and enterin',
it looks like to me

- Breaking and entering?
- Look Five Oaks

Five Oaks? Ain't that some kind of
a nuthouse or something?

Mister, I'm perfectly sane,
and I can explain all this

Get on the phone, Etta Call the cops
I'll keep the loony covered

Wait a minute You tell me where I can
find this fella Quaxton, I'll be on my way

- Go on, Etta Call the cops
- Grab 'em, men!

Reach, mister

All right, you two I don't care
whether you believe me or not

- I want to know where this Quaxton is
- He's gettin' violent

You doggone right I am
And there's no time to argue

- Two lives are at stake
- Two lives?

And I'm warning you, if you hold anything
back and anything happens to those two...

to those two lives... I'll see to it that
both of you are arrested as accomplices

Look, mister,
we only work for Quaxton

Oh, Etta,
you don't believe this loony?

Well, I don't know whether I do or not

But I'd believe almost anything
about Horatio Quaxton

- And that phone call
- Be quiet

- Quaxton's up to something,
and you know it
- Be quiet

- What phone call?
- Oh, five, six hours ago

- He said to run things till he got back
- Etta!

- Got back from where?
- Well, his mountain cabin, probably

- I told you to keep quiet
- Mountain cabin? Where is it?

Oh, somewhere around Homerville
A little road called, uh, Old Willow

But-But we ain't sure he's there,
mind ya But he could be

Well, in case
we don't find him there

and you hear from him again

there's double that in it for you

[Car Starts]

Oh, Charlie, look!

"I owe you $5,000 D.J. Mulrooney"

Huh! Told you he was tetched

[Chuckling]

Fill 'er up

Hold it a minute

How much money you kids got?

[Coins Jangling]

Thirty-five, thirty-six thirty-seven...
Thirty-nine cents

- How about you, Elizabeth?
- [Coins Jangling]

Um, a quarter and two nickels

Better make it two gallons

A man named Quaxton
has a cabin around here

- Do you know where it is?
- Nope

- Do you know him?
- Nope

Well, I know he has a place here

Well, that puts you one up on me,
don't it?

Well, how about the Old Willow Road?
Do you know where that is?

- Yep
- Well, where?

About two dirt roads back

- Thanks
- That's 72 cents

Here's 74
Keep the change

Last of the big spenders

[Clattering]

[Knobby] Oh, why'd I ever
leave my Redwoods?

This is all my fault, Jasper

[Jasper] Grandpa, I'll get you
out of here, I promise

If I'd had sense enough to stay where
I belonged, we'd never be in this mess

- It's no use, Jasper
- Now, Grandpa, we'll get out of here

but we gotta do it
before he gets back

Don't bother about me

I'm only a burden to you

- I'm too old
- No, Grandpa

Ending up cooped up like this...

Oh!

Come on, Grandpa

[Groaning]

Oh, me poor legs

I can't even climb out of here,
let alone escape

You leave that to me

Maybe if you go
with that Quaxton fella...

be in his show like he said...
you'd make out

Never

- I would spit on a doo-deen
like that Quaxton
- [Yells]

Well, maybe so
[Coughs]

Do as you like

Me, I'm wanting to fade away
and call it quits

Oh, that's enough of
that kind of talk, Grandpa

Come on
We're getting out of here

Supposin' we do escape?

What good's it gonna do us?

We're the last of the gnomes,
you and me

This is the...
it's the end of the line

Grandpa, look There's a beautiful
forest down the road a piece

Now, you'll feel more yourself

- when we get you back
where you belong Now...
- [Car Approaching]

Quick! That's him!

I keep telling you, boy,
I'm too old

[Grunts] Here we are, gents...
gnome burgers

Hey, you sneaky little weasel!
Come back here!

Keep going, Grandpa! Keep going!
I'll catch up with you later!

Oh, no, you won't

Oh, no, you don't!

Oh, now, look, little fella

You and me have
great things ahead of us

Great things!
Oh, you have no idea

[Laughs]
I got idea enough

Oh, now, don't be like that

[Chuckles]
Well, well, aren't you

the lively little fellow though, huh?

Which is more than can be said
for your old grandpa

Oh, but never mind him

Don't you see? We don't have to
cut him in on this

It's just you and me
and $ 1 million

One whole cool million dollars

- waiting for us to come and pick it up
- Uh-uh

Stand back, Quaxton
I'm warning you

Come one step closer
and I'll sh**t

Oh, come on now, little fella
I'm not trying to hurt you

Besides, the g*n
isn't even loaded

[Hammer Clicks]

See? What did I tell you?

Now, you should, uh, should
learn to listen to me

- once in a while
- [Hammer Clicks]

Now, you shouldn't
have done that, little friend

You just might have hurt me

Fact is,
you might have k*lled me!

All right, Quaxton,
care to try again?

[Grunts]

Ow!

I've got you

Now, my little fish...

Ah!
[Snickering]

Oh, back you come

Ooh!

[Chuckling, Giggling]

[Quaxton] I'm warning you
Don't make me mad

When I get mad, I get dangerous,
and I'll wring your neck if I have to

Now remember, young fella

I can make just as much money
with a stuffed gnome

So from now on, I think you better
play it my way, huh?

I mean it This is your last chance

I'm through being nice, kid

Now, you hold still
or I'll break you in pieces

Jasper!
Are you all right?

Yeah, but Grandpa's gone and I'm...

I'm worried about him
He's wanting to fade away

- You skunk!
- Now, now, now, take it...

- You low-down, unmitigated scoundrel!
- Mr. Mulrooney

- let's watch our language
in front of the children
- You unscrupulous doo-deen!

Now, now, now, now, please! Watch it
I wasn't trying to hurt him

Honest I wasn't I was only trying
to make a little deal

Wait just a minute!
He's my gnome

You said you wanted
nothing more to do with him

- Where's Knobby?
- There's a forest down the road

I said I'd meet him there

Now, look, Mr. Mulrooney
You're a businessman

I have a proposition to make
to you on a good thing

Listen, you're missing a...
You're missing a bet!

There's a fortune in it
for all of us!

Mulrooney!

[Moaning]

[Sobbing]

Have you seen anything of an old gaffer
and a couple of kids

- in a Rolls-Royce?
- Rolls-Royce? Like that one?

Yes, like that one
Hey, that's it!

What are we waiting for?
After 'em!

- [Tires Screeching]
- Hey!

[Clanking]

- [Clanking]
- Oh, no! [Groans]

[Mumbling]

- [Clanking Continues]
- [Moaning]

[Moaning]

Grandpa, there's
somebody tailing us

Anybody we know?

- It's Mr. Yarby
- Mr. Yarby? Well, well, well

[Tires Squealing]

Keep out of sight, Jasper

All right, Mr. Mulrooney

But why, Grandfather?
Why not stop and let them see him?

That would prove
you weren't crazy

Not on your life, honey

It'll be a cold day in the tropics
when D.J. Mulrooney

does anything just to prove to Ralph
Yarby that he's got all his marbles

Faster, man, faster

Yes, Mr. Yarby

- They're gaining on us!
- Oh, no!

They won't for long
Let's see how well they keep up

when the going gets rough

[Tires Squealing]

[Tires Squealing]

Jasper, I thought I told you
to keep out of sight

I'm trying to, Mr. Mulrooney

[Groaning]

- Look where you're going, man!
- I can't see the road for the trees!

Don't stop, stupid
Get going! Get going!

Get that hood closed
We can't see where we're going

I know, Mr. Yarby, but how?

Give her the gas!
Full speed ahead!

I said ahead!
Put on the brakes!

Maybe you'd care to try

They're with us again

Well, let's see
how they are on cornering

Hold tight, everybody!

Whee! I take it all back,
Grandfather

This is some car!

[Yelling]

Just some fenders
Nothing to worry about

[Nervous Laugh]

Turn! Turn! Turn!

Mr. Yarby, would you
care to drive?

Aah!

What did we lose now?

Only the rear wheels

Look out, Ralph!

[Crashing]

They don't make 'em
like they used to, huh, Ralph?

Grandpa!

- Grandpa!
- [D. J] Knobby!

- [Children] Knobby!
- Yoo-hoo!

- Knobby!
- Where are you? Knobby!

- Where are you?
- Knobby!

Grandpa!

Grandpa, show yourself!

- Knobby!
- Grandpa!

You don't think
he's faded away?

Oh, no! Knobby!

- Knobby!
- Where are you?

- [Knobby] Yahoo! Yahoo!
- Shh!

- I think I hear something
- Yahoo!

Yippee!

Yahoo! Yahoo! Yippee!

- Grandpa, what's happened?
What's got into you?
- Mulrooney, you were right

- We ain't the only gnomes in the world
- Yippee!

- Rufus?
- Yes?

Come on out and meet
my doo-deen friends

Oh, yes, well, any friend of Knobby's
is a friend of ours

- Hello, doo-deens Welcome
- Well, thank you

- It's nice to be here
- Hi

And is this the young one who would
like to meet some other gnomes?

Yes, sir l-I sure would

[Chuckling]
Well, all right

My boy, if you were afraid that you
were the last of the gnomes, take heart

[Laughs] There's lots of us...
and here's the proof

You needn't ever
be lonesome again

Something ailin' you, boy?

Ain't you glad to find more gnomes?

Well, yeah, Grandpa

only, uh, uh...

Well, what about the, uh, uh...

- Well, you know what I mean
- All right, out with it!

- What do you mean?
- Knobby...

I think what the boy's trying to say is,
"Are there any girl gnomes?"

[Laughs] Well, of course
How stupid of me

Rufus here has more girl gnomes than
he knows what to do with Right, Rufus?

Oh, you know I have
My goodness Have I got girls!

I've got big girls... you know,
I really mean big ones

And little girls You want a little one?
I've got medium-sized ones

Have I got girls
I've got some that...

I'll show you Girls?

Girls!
Come on out, girls!

The eligible gnome is here

[Shouting, Giggling]

Stop this! Hold it!

Now, don't lose your heads, girls
Back there Back there

Go Line up Line up, now

[Chattering]

Girls are so silly

- Don't you think so?
- No

Which one do you like,
Grandfather?

- Well, now, it's kind of hard to say
- I like them all

Well, don't stand there
like a stump, boy

Ya come looking for a bride
Get going

Go on, go on
This is no time to be bashful

[Knobby]
Go ahead, boy! Go ahead!

That one's Poppy

And the next, that's Petunia

Named after a flower, you know

That's Heather,
and that one is Morning Glory

That's a lovely name
[Chuckles]

Oh, Jasper, that's Snapdragon

By the way, she's my niece, Jasper

She's the one I think he'll like,
you know, my niece

[Laughing] Yeah, she's the one
I think you'll like

Oh, that next one...
that's Buttercup

That's Daisy Daisy

That's a pretty name

Isn't it? He must be getting old

And-And Thistle Down

And that's Primrose

And there's Dewdrop
[Laughs] Dewdrop

How pretty, that... Azalea

And that's Pearblossom

"Pearblossom" That's two words
made into one, you know

And last but not least,
poor Violet there

A bit bashful, I'm afraid

Uh, hi

Well, come on, boy If that's the one,
go ahead and take her

[Rufus]
Oh, no, you don't

And why not?
He's picked the one he wants

The one he wants?
Oh, my goodness

It's not the male
that picks his mate

It's the "she-male"
that picks the date

It'll all end out all right
It's the oldest law in nature

- I never heard such nonsense
- What are you talking about, Knobby?

You know that whenever we have
a bumper crop of females

we like to give every maiden a chance

You mean he's stuck
with whoever picks him?

Now you're getting it

Prepare the eligible gnome!

[Chattering, Laughing]

[Laughing]

What are they doing to Jasper?

Oh, just a little complication

You know, I thought of it myself

- It makes for a little more fun
- "Fun"?

[Chattering]

[D. J Laughs]

- A greased gnome
- A what?

It's like a greased pig chase
back in Ireland

The one who catches him
gets to keep him

It's not very romantic, is it?

Form your circle!

All right, girls, you all know
the rules

You've got to hang on to your gnome
for a count of seven

Is that clear?

On your mark

Get set

- Go!
- [Horn Blares]

[Clamoring]

Aw, keep quiet!

Run for it, Jasper!
Head for the tall timber!

[Chattering, Laughing]

[Knobby] Watch it, boy!
They're tricky!

For a man to win this game, he's got
to have eyes in the back of his head

- Ow!
- Oh!
- Oh!

What's happening?
Where's Jasper?

He's escaped Hey, look!

Psst! Violet! Catch me!

Good girl, Snapdragon!

How'd you like
that snappy catch, Knobby?

[Shouting, Chattering]

- Whoops!
- [Both Laughing]

Get in there, Violet!
It's anybody's gnome!

Catch me
Now's your chance

Well, hurry up
Grab me before it's too late

- Now, girl, now!
- Go on! Go ahead!

- [Chattering, Shouting]
- [Knobby] Grab him!

Oh, no! Did you ever see
such a backward female?

[Girls Clamoring]

Atta girl!

Reminds me of the time
I was chasing this greased pig...

Plumb disgusting! There ain't
gonna be much left of the boy

when whoever
gets him, gets him

[Whistles]

Dodge 'em, son!
Dodge em!

Look below you, boy!
Below you!

Come on, Violet!
Get in there! Get in there!

Jasper!

- She's got him!
- Hold on! Oh, hold on!

How do you like that, you old coot?

Hang on, Violet
You've got your gnome

- Start counting
- One

two

- three...
- Faster!

Stop interrupting me
You know I always get flustered

when I get, uh, stuttered...
when I get stuttered...

I mean, I get...
Look what you've...

F-F-F-Four

f-f-five

s... What comes after five?

- Six!
- Oh

- S-S-Six...
- Seven!

Oh!

- Oh, no
- There he is

Violet!

[Knobby]
She got him!

- Who's got him?
- Well, start counting

One, two

three

four

five, six

seven!

It's Violet!
It's Violet!

- It's Violet!
- It's Violet

Violet is the official winner

By the power and authority

vested in me by
the Gnomish Council of Elders

I now pronounce you
gnome and wife

Well, go ahead, boy
Kiss her Kiss her

Do I have to do
everything for you?

[Murmuring, Laughing]

Folks Folks!

May I have your attention, please?

To honor this memorable occasion

sort of as a wedding present

I am deeding to the gnomes


[Murmuring]

To be yours for eternity...
and even longer

Any and all
young married couples

who want to come along
and start a new colony...

there's a gnome-mobile
leaving immediately

Three cheers
for D.J. Mulrooney!

- Hip, hip...
- [Together] Hooray!

- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!

- Hip, hip...
- Hooray!

[music] In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile [music]

[music] We're rolling along
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Oh what a wonderful way
to feel [music]

[music] Rolling along
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music]In years to come
I can guarantee

[music] A dozen grandchildren
at your knee [music]

[music] And everyone of'em
proud to claim [music]

[music] Mulrooney is
me middle name [music]

[music] In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile [music]

[music] We're rolling along
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Oh, what a wonderful way to feel [music]

[music] Rolling along
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] In the gnome-mobile
The gnome-mobile [music]

[music] We're rolling along
in the gnome-mobile [music]

[music] Oh, what a wonderful way to feel [music]

[music]Rolling along
in the gnome-mobile

[music][Whistling]

[music] [Whistling Continues]

{{{the end}}}