01x07 - Bloodcorn

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: just how deep does my

Soul go?

Does my --

Xavier, this is your special

Day!

Today you will finally be

Recognized for the grea

Achievements you've made as the

World's number-one guardian

Angel!

Xavier: please.

I don't do it for the accolades.

Here's the orphan whose life

You saved!

Oh. Well

This is the priest you rescued!

That's the wino who mouthed

My bottom!

We're all dead!

[ Clears throat ]

You haven't saved any of us.

Well, he's about to, uh

Save this baby!

Xavier: [ thinking ] I have

To do my laundry.

[ Glass shattering ]

Uh-oh.

I've fallen asleep on my

Dream catcher again.

Judging by the amount of dream

Goo, it was some powerful stuff.

Dreams -- they're the hurricanes

That wash the soul filth from

The superdome of our night mind.

I know people out there are

Dreaming for my cleansing rain

To rinse away all sufferage.

I dream hard of helping people.

Oh, yeah. Helping people

[ Strained ] helping people

[ Groaning ]

Oh, god.

Oh, gonna pop

[ Echoing ] pop, pop, pop

People!

There's a lady being r*ped!

A man is raping a lady!

And this lady is named

Mother earth.

And the man

Feel that beef right there.

She is man.

Hey, you, shut up.

Shut up, freak!

Yeah, yeah.

Shut up!

Yeah!

The earth ain't fleeting in her

Plentiful bounties!

sh**t!

I ought to punch his

Vacation-raping face from here

To the local bus station.

What you ought to do is take

Care of that frisky wife of

Yours.

You're right!

You're embarrassing me, honey!

Young one, we must care for

Our mother earth, for she is the

Brain of the universe.

Come.

Tune in to the wavelength of our

Global consciousness.

Xavier: if the earth is a

Brain, does it have dreams

[ Echoing ] dreams, dreams,

Dreams, dreams

[ Laughter ]

Hey.

Beats workin'!

"Darfur doodle" will be righ

Black!

Xavier: tv -- the devil's

Dream box.

Yeah. Tvreally rots your nud.

Whoopsie doodle!

There was a mix-up at the cookie

Factory!

We made the cookies way too big,

And the chocolate chips

B-b-b-b-blue?!

Xavier: my god!

No one deserves a mix-up tha

Bad.

I've got to help those poor

b*stards.

Clumso the cookie chef really

Popped a b*ner into these yummy

Snacks!

Blue chocolate whoopsie doodles!

Available for a limited time

Only!

Xavier: damn you, clumso!

How many times am I going to

Have to clean up your messes?!

For this is my destiny

Uh-oh!

Now there was a factory mix-up!

We accidentally mixed up the

Cookie factory with the tampon

Factory!

Now our cookies absorb up to

2 Pints of flavor!

Yummy!

And the light floral scent keeps

Me feeling fresh all day!

These blue-chocolate-chip

Tampons are goo-ably, chewably

Huge!

So huge, it hurts!

Just slice and insert!

They make it safe to wear

White pants, and they're nice

And huge!

I gobble them while they

Gobble my filth.

What do I care?

It's my time

For my yummy -- period.

Exclamation point!

Xavier: question mark.

If left in mouth more than

Three days, cookies may cause

Toxic shock.

Xavier: two factory screw-ups

In one town!

[ Sniffs ]

Something smells fishy, and I

Intend to get to the bottom of

This barrel.

[ Echoing ] it is my destiny.

Huh.

Everything looks prettier on tv.

I heard about your tragic

Mix-ups, and I'm here to help.

Sir, this is private

Property.

The company has a policy of no

Cottoning to freaks 'round these

Parts.

Xavier: you've obviously go

Something to hide.

Maybe you're doing damage to

This beautiful ecosystem.

Well, I'm gonna go above your

Head and find out.

What's that, mother earth?

You say this factory is

Poisoning you?

And you need my help?

What's that?

You want me to repeat everything

You say?

What?

Sure.

I'd love to hear a joke.

Who's there?

Banana who?

Banana who? Banana

Banana who?!

Orange-na whom?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughs ] I am pretty glad.

I'm gonna let you go.

Okay. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. Bye.

It's been good times,

Dream catcher.

That takes care of tha

Nightmare.

[ Creaking ]

[ Alarm buzzing ]

I just did a solid in the creek,

Everyone.

No need to thank me.

What you talkin' 'bout,

Freak?

We all just lost our jobs!

That was the last job in

Town.

Now my poor family will have to

Live off my farm.

It not mu--

Xavier: I'm on a helping

Roll, and I'd be glad to do a

Solid all over your family.

We've been through enough.

Hey.

You're that freak who warned us

About the fleetingness of

Earth's plentiful bounties.

Xavier: well, I'm a good

Farmhand, and I don't need

Much -- just five hots and a co

And a queen-size lazy-bread bed.

And a flat-screen itv.

And a wi-fi hotspot.

And a breakfast nook.

A sauna, a conversation nook,

Some of them crazy cookies.

Orange you glad I didn't say

"Banana"?

[ Laughs ]

We're in a drought.

I can give you a plate of

Weevils every day.

Xavier: deal.

[ Thinking ] sucker.

I would have settled for every

Other day.

[ Rooster crows ]

Daddy!

Xavier: at least this brutal

Drought hasn't taken your poor

Grandma.

That's my daughter.

She 14.

Xavier: [ thinking ] ooh.

Nice and legal.

We don't got much, but we can

Let you stay in the dust room.

Xavier: [ sneezes ]

Why don't you just leave, skip

Town, and abandon your family?

I was born in this house, and

I'll die in this house -- both

Of starvation.

We been working this land for

Six generations.

This whole land used to be as

Fertile as a nicaraguan sl*t.

Xavier: this crop looks

Strong.

It's all dust corn -- flaky

As a filipino granny in a

Pyramid scheme.

If we don't get rain soon, we

Might have to tighten our belts

Tighter than a jew in a --

Oh, sh**t.

One of my boys got hold of my

Belt!

Aw, he's just showing off for

Company.

Folks are even starved for

Attention 'round here.

Xavier: feel my bicep.

Grab that man meat.

We know the lord will

Provide.

And if our lot is to shrivel and

Die, well, then he'll provide

That.

Oh, if we only had rain!

Xavier: rain -- it's jus

God's tears.

I know a shamanic navajo rain

Dance that hasn't just blown

Minds, it's blown ducts --

Tear ducts.

I'm willing to try any

Precipitation boogie you got.

Xavier: hey-ya-h*-oh,

Hey-ya-oh -- oh, shucks.

I forgot it.

But we can jog my memory with

The lakota memory-jogging dance.

Just show me how.

Xavier: hey-ya-hoo --

Ican't remember the

Memory-jogging dance.

I know -- the irony is rich.

So all we have to do is the

Iroquois irony-melting dance,

And we'll be golden.

Do you remember that one?

Xavier: of course.

This noodle is a steel cage.

But only god can do that dance,

And it has to be raining.

That's the irony part.

Damn this circular logic!

Just do it, weirdo!

Just do your dance!

[ Shotgun c*ck ]

Xavier: not at me!

God has to do that dance.

Dance, god! Dance!

We made you up, and we can take

You down!

It's working!

Wait. This 'tain't rain.

Xavier: it's god's blood.

Papa! You shot god!

[ Shrieking ]

What have I done?

Xavier: so you admit it is

Your fault.

You k*ll off the corn mutants.

I'll stay back and protect the

Womenfolk.

Oh.

Society's about to end, girl,

And it's up to us to star

Repopulating the planet.

I suppose.

Xavier: really?

Ugh! Aah!

I just repopulated my pants.

Wait. "Pop." That's it!

Time for a snack attack!

Pop 'em, papa! Pop 'em!

Xavier: got 'em!

I'm a crop stopper!

Spread the word 'round

Town -- there's blood popcorn

For everyone!

I'll order a movie!

Xavier: better put a hold on

The movie.

The trees are clear-cutting all

Of downtown!

Nature is out to make us pay

For our sins against the earth!

Nature is aliveand it's

Angry!

Xavier: I know what to do.

Hop on.

I can't look!

Aah!

Hand cramp!

You better take over.

I'll do my best to try.

[ Siren wails ]

[ Tires screech ]

So, what's your plan?

Xavier: I think we should,

Uh, you know, uh

Pack all the maxi bites in

The smokestack?

Xavier: don't just stand

There.

Chop, chop my plan into action.

We've only got one shot to plug

Up god's drippy heaven crevice.

Hey, godsteress --

Suck on this!

[ g*n c*ck ]

Xavier: it stuck!

I did it!

I stopped god's heavy flow, and

Her cycle of madness is over.

At least for this month.

I guess dreams do come true.

So god is a lady.

I know because I got her sopping

Wet, and then I gave god's junk

Her just desserts.

Someone's gonna have to mop up

All this booty sauce.

Booty sauce?

Yes.

You see, son, god is a woman.

And every woman has a special

Hole that's the source of all

Life.

It's called the booty hole.

Really?

Xavier: yep.

You can read all about it on my

Blog.

I got to ramble on.

You can find your own way home.

[ Clock ticking ]

[ Echoing ] whoopsie doodle!