02x07 - Going Normal

[bunniefuu]

Xavier: it is scribbled in

The stars -- my infinite oath to

Help

[ Echoing ] help.

You hear that?

Sounds like a weak feebling's

Sad yowl for help

[ Echoing ] help.

It's coming from over there.

Oh, no.

These meager victim-cicles need

The heat of my release.

My chance to french-touch a

Woman.

[ Slurps ]

[ Gasps ]

Don't panic!

I'll save you!

[ Gags ]

What the hell are you doing?

Xavier: I rescued you from

Icy demise!

All your life are belong to me.

We aren't supposed to be

Thawed till science can cure us.

We all have terminal diseases.

Xavier: ew!

If you can't stand the body

Heat, then stay out of the

Freezer of fate.

You can't refreeze meat.

We've only got hours to live.

Xavier: then I'll make ye

Live a thousand lifetimes in

Your final moments.

That's the spirit!

You've ruined everything!

Xavier: you jive turkeys

Wouldn't know gratitude if I

Broke into this room and

Caused your death.

Not saying "thank you" is

"De-frosting" on "de-cake."

Now I'll never get to meet my

Great-great-granddaughter and

Fall in love, you sicko!

Xavier: you know, it takes

Fewer muscles to say "thank you"

Than it does to die.

All: freak! Freak! Freak!

I pledge to devote my every

Atom to serving ice-cold

Vengeance.

Xavier: [ whimpering ]

Young one, if I told you it's

Time for you to follow your

Lifequest away from me forever,

Would you leave for good?

Young xavier: of course!

Congratulations.

This will help you wipe away all

Suffering.

Young xavier: I pledge to

Devote my every atom to serving

Ice-hot justice.

Xavier: that's it! I give up!

I sacrificed everything, even

Your lives, for you people, and

What do I get?

I never wanted to be an

Outsider.

[ Echoing ] I'm going normal!

No going back now.

I'll just fit in, take on a

Normal life, meet a nice job,

Hold down a well-paying family!

Goodbye forever, old self.

Okay, you look normal.

Now just act normal.

Clutch the dark purple hairs of

The galloping orangutan of

Normalicy and ride, n*gga, ride!

I'm ready. Interview away.

Well, your résumé is pretty

Persuasive.

How do you feel about the

Corporate culture in general?

Xavier: normal -- my feelings

On that are just normal and

Typical, because I'm what you

People call a normal.

Huh, impressive.

You got a fresh approach to

Being normal.

You think outside the box.

Xavier: what box?!

Man of action.

Let me guess.

You were a linebacker in college

Like me.

I think we got our boy to

Replace

Meet the new ryan.

It's his first day.

Good to know you, new ry.

Me and the guys were jus

Cracking wise about freaks.

What's your opinion on the

Subject?

Xavier: oh, I feel exactly

How you feel about it.

Ooh, looks like someone's

Gunning for your job, peterson.

A new big d*ck just swung

Into town.

Yeah?

Let's see how he hangs in the

Big meeting.

We're up poop creek in a turd

Canoe with a dookie paddle

That's got feces smeared on the

Part where you put your hand.

[ Laughter ]

Shut up!

Our main factory is spewing

ill*gal amounts of pollution.

Should we pay to upgrade or

Move the plant overseas?

New ryan, you've been awfully

Quiet.

Xavier: well, that's 'cause

I'm so normal.

Yeah, when I see freaks, I jus

Want to sh**t 'em and dump 'em

In a filthy ditch.

I like it.

We just hook chutes up to our

Smokestacks and dump it off,

Ditch our filth in china.

Outsource our pollution, jobs

Stay here.

I bet we can even charge the

Chings for the sludge.

They'll make something out of

It.

Good work, new ryan, but we've

Got a new problem.

The theft of office supplies is

Making us hemorrhage money.

We lost $3.8 million in stolen

Staplers this month alone!

What do we do?

Xavier: I'm just a normal.

No strange secrets hidden

Beneath my facade, okay?

He's right.

We need to see beneath.

You're saying we should replace

Our florescent bulbs with x-ray

Bulbs, and we'll find the

Sticky-fingered culprits in a

Jim-jam-jif.

[ g*nshots ]

[ Clicking ]

Our home-appliance division is

On the verge of bankruptcy.

Work your magic!

What do you got?

Xavier: I keep trying to tell

You I'm just a normal.

Quit singling me out like a

Freak.

I think I get what he's

Saying.

He means we just got to take

Wild leaps in interpreting his

Mundane statements, then come up

With our own ideas.

Like, um

Putting pheromones on our

Appliances?

Brilliant, new ryan.

Yes, if we extract the same

Glandular excretions tha

Stimulate affection in our

Designer-fragrance division and

Apply it to our appliances, our

Products will be irresistible --

Smell-bliminal scent-vertising.

Thanks for turning this place

Around, new ryan.

Xavier: you've thunked me!

So, who you headed home to --

Wife, kids?

Xavier: a pepperbird came

And took away all I care about.

Single, huh?

That's abnormal.

Xavier: abnormal?

No!

Old ryan left a wife and two

Kids behind.

She's lonely, too.

You should meet her.

I'll set it up.

Hi. These are lovely.

Xavier: listen, before we go

Out to dinner, I think it's time

Little tara and I had the talk.

Her body is going through some

Confusing changes.

But her name is cindy.

I don't think tha--

Cindy looks up to me so much.

Sweetie, I know this is a scary

Time.

Have you noticed blood in your

Panties?

[ Crying ]

Xavier: don't worry.

Your panties will be bloody soon

Enough.

Our little one's got the big

D-jealousy.

This is all happening so fas

And so inaccurately.

Xavier: I don't think it's

Too much to ask to have dinner

Ready for me when I get home

From work.

But I thought we were going

Out.

Well, I suppose I could make a

Pot roast.

Xavier: I think you'll find

That wednesday is meatloaf

Night.

So, where should we go for

Vacation this year -- the

Regular thing or something more

Normal?

I don't know.

This is all so sudden.

I haven't even had time to

Grieve for ryan.

Xavier: don't worry.

You can grieve tonight -- in

Bed.

Yep, had the old lady pretty we

Last night.

Up to her cankles in tears.

[ Laughter ]

Okay, for some reason, we go

A huge surplus of cheap

Ching chong hot dogs.

We'd make a k*lling if we could

Sell these ching dogs.

I know!

Let's do something normal.

Come on, peterson.

That's old paradigm.

It was new ryan's idea.

He said he had a solution tha

Would blow you away.

Oh, yeah?

Come on, golden boy.

What do you know about moving

Hot dogs?

Xavier: I know I was moving

My hot dog in and out of

Peterson's wife's buns las

Night.

My wife is dead.

Xavier: I never said it was

Consensual.

Don't worry.

I used "condiments."

She enjoyed it with "relish."

Her mouth passed "mustard."

I could hardly "ketchup" to her

vag*na!

I stayed up all night doing

Research.

Every year, americans eat enough

Hot dogs to go to the moon and

Back.

And --

Xavier: [ scoffs ]

Prove it.

Wait. Peterson, shut up!

New ryan, say that again.

Xavier: peterson, shut up.

It's brilliant!

We'll prove it.

We'll make a hot-dog chain to

The moon.

It'll be the greatest marketing

Stunt of all time.

You did it again, new ryan.

Pack your bags, peterson.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Xavier: me home!

I brought you hot dogs from

Work!

Yay!

Yay!

Honey, we need to talk.

I didn't know you had a thing

For blondes.

Xavier: what?! No!

Peterson must be behind this.

Those photos are doctored!

Doctored?

What kind of medical procedure

Is this?

Xavier: open-heart tea bag?

Well I regret opening my

Heart to your tea bag of lies.

I want you out!

Xavier: let me at least say

Goodbye to the kids.

You'll never talk to the kids

Again!

Xavier: you should know I

Faked all the impotence.

I could've consummated the

Marriage, and I still intend to.

Sleep tight tonight.

Please take me back.

I have nowhere to go.

Say, bub, you looking for an

Apartment?

Don't bother.

It's a women's-only building.

Xavier: well --

[ Clears throat ]

[ High-pitched voice ] well,

It's the only place available in

The city, so we'll take it.

Welcome!

And tonight a bunch of us girls

Are getting together.

Turns out the local

Men's only club club doesn'

Allow women, so we're all gonna

Infiltrate undercover -- see

What they're hiding.

On behalf of the

Men's only club club, I'd like

To welcome our new members.

Hey.

Tonight, in our commitmen

To understand and honor all

Points of view, we're going to

Disguise ourselves like

Overweight black women to expand

Our perspective and give dignity

To all heritages.

Give me some lemonade.

Give me some lemonade.

[ Indistinct talking ]

Xavier: get me some toe pie!

Excuse me, girlfriends.

Say, sugar child, you look like

Y'all had a bad day.

I lost my job, and my wife is

Dead, and I just --

Xavier: honey, big

Jawanamamafire -- she gonna make

It all okay.

[ Slurps ]

That was amazing.

I think we actually made cheese.

Xavier: well, guess what.

That wasn't cheese!

You're g*y now.

You're totally not normal.

This never would have

Happened if wasn't for

New ry-ry.

Xavier: that reminds me, I'm

Late for work.

Good thing I have my makeup

Case.

Xavier: sorry I'm late,

Everybody.

This black lady made me eat a

Bunch of cheese.

New ryan, get in my office

To -- hey, you look ripped.

Xavier: no, I just los

300 Pounds -- my virginity.

I want to talk to you abou

This plan you dropped off.

I love it!

Devil dogmier's the best masco

A hot-dog company could ask for.

It's bizarre. It's memorable.

And I love that you volunteered

To wear the costume yourself.

Xavier: but how did you know

That -- who could have --

Put on the costume and ge

Out there for the linking.

Xavier: no.

It seems abnormal.

I might get called a freak.

There's a whole crowd of kids

Waiting.

I could get peterson to take

The glory.

Xavier: I'll do it, but only

To see my kids again.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Introducing the hotties

Doggiest mascot of all time,

Devil dogmier!

Xavier: kids, it's

New new daddy, kids!

Remember?

You know what to do with

Devil dogmier, kids.

Punch him and call him "freak"!

All: freak! Freak! Freak!

Freak! Freak! Freak!

Xavier: who is this shadowy

Figure shoving my old sad fate

Into my new face?

I told you I'd commit every

Atom to my vengeance.

Xavier: peterson, you no

Longer wield power over me if I

Accept myself.

People, I'm not really a freak!

You see, I am

He's a big hot white man!

Xavier: no.

He's a fat black woman!

Xavier: no, honey child!

He's a woman pretending to be

A man!

Xavier: no.

He's a man pretending to be a

Woman!

Xavier: no.

He's a man! He's a man!

Xavier: no.

I am a woman!

Xavier: ooh.

He's a freak! He's a freak!

Xavier: no, I'm your freak.

I shall never again be untrue

To myself again, as I've

Learned --

Hey, they're linking the

Hot-dog chain to the moon!

Xavier: much like a chain of

Hot dogs links to the earth, I

Reconnect my vow to help all in

Need.

They linked it!

Oh!

It made the earth stop rotating

Around the sun!

We can no longer rely on the

Sun's life-sustaining heat!

Xavier: it may not be wha

You normals call "normal" or

"Cool"

Now ice is creeping down the

Hot-dog chain!

The cruel tide of frost is upon

Us!

Xavier: I'll be vigilant in

My fiery pursuit of awareness of

All imbruing trouble.

I will notice calamity and take

Drastic action, even in times

When it would be delightfully

Ironic or coincidental to no

Take any action at all!

Oh, no!

It's the opposite of global

Warming -- moonular freezing!

Well, everything's perfectly

Preserved.

Science will find a cure for

This in 1,000 years.

I'll be needing that back.

Oh, a pepperbird!

[ Sneezes ]

Oh, maybe give it 2,000 years.

Your television just shattered!