02x08 - Kharmarabionic Lotion

[bunniefuu]

Honey, there's an article in

Here.

It says it was written by me.

Look.

What? How bizarre.

What does it say?

Read it.

It says, "recently, a strange

Creature was spotted rambling on

The outskirts of town"

Xavier: nothing will ever

Interrupt my epic search for my

Mother, no matter how -- oh,

A possum!

Aah!

Play dead!

[ Snoring ]

I'm dead.

I'm de-- stupid idiot, I jus

Outplayed you, possum!

Oh, no, it's dead!

Oi, mate!

Crikey!

We don't "mohair" to your

Kind around here, boy!

Xavier: I've got to warn you.

If you beat me up, one day tha

Pain will come back to me

"Sexfold."

Not you, freak -- this here

Terroristic sand negroid!

Take crime!

Taste the hate!

Xavier: they "queefer" to be

Called sandfrican-americans!

I am just visiting muslim

Who come to america to learn of

Your enchanting culture.

Xavier: [ sniffs ]

Then you'll want to bathe

In our warm kindness.

But any decent american is

Going to smack your sack off for

Being a dirty arab.

If you want to experience the

Real america, you've got to

Build an artificial world -- a

Robotic amusement park full of

Android americans programmed to

Be good to you and to let you

Into their humble lives.

This is great idea.

Thousands of rich arabs would

Pay big money for it if we jus

Had high-tech-enough robots

That wouldn't at the mos

Inopportune time break down

[ Electricity crackles ]

Damn it, freak!

You blew its circuits with your

Cylindrical logic.

These droids can't handle

Baudrillardian self-awareness.

Xavier: this is a

"Simulacrock"?

We paid $1,000 a day to bea

Up mechanized arabs, but this is

The worst "touroristorrism"

Hate-crime dream vacation I

Think we've ever had!

I can't give you your money

Back, but what about this?

Xavier: karma is a boomerang,

Mate, so throw another aussie

Cosmic scrimp on fate's barbie.

He was our beloved town

Leader, our supple ship's

Captain and lo--

Xavier: people!

A man is fallen!

Man down!

He needs help!

You dark, heartless

Rubberneckers sit back in black,

Asses to asses, butts in dust,

Doing nothing all over the face

Of this place.

We're in mourning!

Have some respect.

Xavier: you should be

Grieving the death of your

Vigilance!

He's playing possum.

I can tell.

I have some bad news.

He's passed on, to a better,

More euphemistic place.

Well, let's throw together an

Impromptu funeral.

You've desecrated his memory!

Xavier: you don't know wha

He wants, but I can speak for

The dead when I say I can

Channel the dead!

I hate to brag my britches, bu

I'm a rather large medium when I

Penetrate the gray veil.

Bleed me.

Once I get this dead motormouth

Yapping through me, he won'

Stop chewing my lips off till I

Have to knock his black off and

Jack our mouths off.

I'd throw this freak out, bu

I don't want to get tooth-goo on

My suit.

Xavier: he's coming.

He's cominginside me.

"Oh, hello, people of" --

What's this town called again?

Lotion, new mexico.

Xavier: "people of earth, I

Am"

What's the dead guy's name?

Abraham lotion.

Xavier: what kind of name is

"Lotion"?

He invented lotion and

Founded this sleepy town.

We produce 70% of the nation's

Lotion.

We're a simple folk, but we ge

Free hot- and cold-running

Lotion, so we look great.

Xavier: what ifs.

"I am abe lotion, and I wan

That you taint shan't no

Mourn."

This guy's babbling exactly

Like mr. Lotion on his deathbed.

It's him!

I'd know that gibberish

Anywhere!

Xavier: "is there someone

Here wearing a black shirt?

I am, but how could he have

Known that?

He's dead.

Do you have a message for us

From the beyond?

Xavier: "course I do.

What do you think, I'm back from

The dead for my health?

A message -- it's around here

Somewhere.

Here it is.

'Keep your hands out of my

Pockets.'"

I think what he means is that we

Should follow the golden rule.

He's gone.

Grab those lats, kid.

He's back!

Hey, let's give that vessel a

Hand!

He's gone.

[ Applause ]

Please, I'm a humble servant.

I don't need the clap from you

People.

And he's back!

Come on, folks.

Give it up.

Everybody wants applause!

And he's gone forever!

But we must honor his dying

Request.

I mean, I wasn't really paying

Attention.

I was blue-toothing it during

Half his blather, but I think he

Yammered something about how

Gold rules.

You must honor him with a gold

Statue in the center of town.

We don't have the resources.

Xavier: have you no respec

For the dead?

Why don't you just piss in the

Man's face, like this?

Gold is just something we

Couldn't afford.

Xavier: well, what's that?

If you all chipped in, you could

Win your own lotto.

You'd earn enough to undo the

Indignity of the pisswich, which

That man's face just woofed,

Woofed down, down.

Ooh, ooh, hold the mayo.

The dead want us to win!

And our schools win, too!

We got to win!

I guarantee!

Mister, I run the lotion

Weekly circular.

I want to follow you around and

Get your scoop, tell your story.

Xavier: mine is the story of

A man searching far and wide,

Fat and thick and deep for his

Mother, once thought dead.

Have you seen her?

She's about yea tall and abou

Ooh big, and about mmm nice.

I have a sketch you could print.

Wow, look at him go.

Xavier: does your paper have

A missed connections section?

Take this down.

"You?

Sandy, 5-foot blonde, pretty

Drunk.

We made passing eye contac

Whilst you were giving birth to

Me.

Me?

Single, white male, thick and

Huge.

I tore you up that night.

Cocoa?"

I'm sorry?

Xavier: do you want some h*

Cocoa?

Good and fruity.

Sure.

Xavier: well, get me some,

Too.

Run it.

Leave in the part about the

Cocoa.

Sex sells.

So did any of this happen?

No.

I would have remembered

Something like that.

I don't thi--

We won!

We won the lotto!

We won the lotto!

Now we can pay tribute with the

Goldest statue ever!

Yeah!

Xavier: you haven't won!

You are one!

You have all shown nobility in

Your selfless surrender to the

Greater good.

There can be no glorious

Collective without the

Individual.

Therefore, each one of you is

Better than any other one of

You -- or the group.

Don't let anyone put their parts

Over your whole and squeeze ou

Communism.

You should each reward

Yourselves decadently for your

Lack of greed and selflessness.

Aw, come on, what are we

Gonna do?

Something stupid like cover

Ourselves in

So, then, we covered ourselves

In gold.

We deserve it.

I deserve it!

Me too!

You don't dress for the job

You want.

You dress for the job you don'

Have anymore because you go

Gold-plated.

You're only as rich as you --

Look.

Here comes the nice banker man

To tell ye how rich I is.

Xavier: what's this?

Seems to be some sort of words

On paper.

I can totally read, but I dare

You to read what it says on

Here.

Or what are you, chicken?

Moo-ca-toodle!

It says the bank is going to

Repossess this whole town and

Tear it down to build condos for

I assume "latte liberals."

Xavier: yep, that's correct.

Give up your gold or give up

Your town.

I'm not getting rid of my

Gold!

Me neither.

You can pry it from my gold,

Dead, gold --

What are we gonna do?!

Xavier: I know some people

Who would buy your town and no

Change a thing.

We'll do anything to stay

Gilded.

Xavier: even pretend to be

Robots?

Down unda!

Xavier: okay, look unalive,

People.

Here we go!

Ladies and gentlemuslims, arabs

Of all stroke, we got a "goozum"

On the loose, so keep your muzzy

Limbs inside the "tramboatel" a

All times, less you want to lose

Them on a "goozum."

I'm your tour guide, your pure

Snide with white pride, here to

Keep you alive.

And if you look to your left,

You're gonna want to turn to

Your right, where you'll see a

Robotic depiction of a typical

American town.

Only difference is these

Ameribots are double-,

Double-programmed to not hate

You, even though you're muslims.

Coming up ahead is the pride of

The city, the lotion factory,

With its famed 2-million-gallon

Silos of anti-aging cream.

And all of these people here

Are robots?

Xavier: yep.

So lifelike

It even looked like that robo

Winked at you conspiratorially.

Xavier: you can touch them

All you want, here or here.

Just don't play grab-a*s.

Psst.

Show my butt what my mouth

Means, just to be safe.

Go on.

Mingle, do whatever you wan

With them.

Snatch their grub, punch their

Bellies.

Everything is included for your

$5,000 A day except for the

Prop-prop plane ride.

That's a quarter.

Now, who needs change?

Someone answered your ad

For your mom.

I told her to meet us here.

She -- honey?

What are you doing here?

I answered an ad.

Years ago I had a son.

I never told you.

Is this your son?

Him?!

No!

Xavier: mother, is that you?

You look so different!

Give me a hug.

Get away from me.

You make me sick!

Xavier: that's what she said.

It is my mom!

Is this female ameribo

Giving you trouble?

She's to obey your orders, yes?

Don't touch me!

Xavier: sir, women here have

The freedom to do what they

Want.

It totally sucks.

Fascinating.

Where are time-honored

Oppressions to women?

Get off me!

This machine is defective.

We must destroy it!

Xavier: noo!

It's a software problem.

We'll re-reprogram her.

I don't know.

What if it is system-wide?

No hate of muslims is all we ask

For.

Xavier: okay, just to be

Safe, I'll re-reprogram all of

The ameribots to become muslims.

That's the kind of typical

American I like.

Xavier: repeat again.

Meka leka hi ala shineyho alla!

Meka leka hi ala shineyho

Alla!

Xavier: I even gold-plated

The koran.

Can't polish a turd.

They're dragging us back to the

Stone ages.

I think it's time for the

Robots to rise up against their

All-too-human masters.

[ Tires screech ]

[ All roaring ]

My wife!

Where is she?!

Xavier: you're a reporter!

Stay objective.

She would've wanted to be

Objectified.

Do your job!

Take the camera!

Yes.

Must remain objective.

Xavier: take it!

It's working!

The "arabasauruses" are

Turning back into oil!

The arab as*ault is

Metaphorical.

Oi! Oi! Oil!

We're rich!

The ameribots of lotion,

New --

[ Coughs ]

Excuse me.

New me--

[ Coughs ]

Excuse me.

New mexico, got so rich off --

Down unda!