Daffy Duck's Quackbusters (1988)

[bunniefuu]

DAFFY:

''And then, Nose-man takes the ax...

...and chops his way into the city's

inner sanctum.''

And then what? Then what?

Ah! Here it is. Nose-man says:

''This place is malodorous.

Chock full of malignancies.''

Gads, this comic's a real page-turner.

lt's slopping over with gripping suspense.

Let's see now, let's see. Nosey says:

''Do my nostrils detect

the overpowering stench...

...of a prehistoric monster?''

He turns around and--

[GASPS]

Smogzilla.

''Story continued in Hideous Tales

lssue Number 1 77.''

Gee, that's nice.

''Story continued in Hideous Tales 1 77''?

Where is it? Where is it?

lt's a veritable collector's item.

-Quick, you're on in five seconds.

-What? Who? Where? Huh?

[BUZZlNG]

[GRO ANlNG]

Gee, tough audience.

[WHEEZES]

[SlNGlNG SCALES]

Hm.

[SCATTlNG]

Say, this stuff works great.

Take it, Ghoulie.

[PlANO PLAYlNG]

[SlNGlNG] They're drenched in blood

Or caked with mud

You yell and scream

When one of them arrives

There is no denying

Monsters lead such interesting lives

They live in ooze

They've paid their dues

No brothers, sisters

Moms or dads or wives

Honest, I'm not lying

Monsters lead such interesting lives

When you see them

Coming down the street

You better not have weights

Tied to your feet

They'll steal your heart

Tear you apart

Limb from limb

On a whim they'll suck your brains

And eat your remains

They'll slice you up

With little forks and knives

They're never merry

They're oh so scary

Monsters lead such interesting lives

They're independent fellas

They don't live nine-to-fives

Monsters lead such interesting lives

[CHEERlNG]

Thank you. Thank you.

So are you folks enjoying yourselves?

Hi, Frankie. How's the missus?

[HlSSES]

Look, it's mummy dearest.

Still all wrapped up in yourself, l see.

[CHUCKLES]

And-- Whoa, it appears

we have a celebrity in our midst.

That 22-ton terror of Tokyo town...

...that towering colossus

of scaly reptilian bulk.

Of course, l'm talking about--

Throw a spot on him, would you, fellas?

Smogzilla!

So, Smog baby,

leveled any major cities lately?

You know, folks,

Smogzilla's just like any unemployed actor.

Except that when he pounds

the pavement...

...it registers a 10 on the Richter scale.

[GROWLS]

Aw. What's the matter?

The public not buying

those cheap special effects anymore?

[DAFFY SCREAMlNG]

Whew. A dream. lt was all a dream.

Heh-heh-heh. Smogzilla.

You was expecting

maybe Calvin Coolidge?

DAFFY:

Right this way, folks. Right this way.

It's a bargain at any price.

Step right up and get yourself

a brand-new DeLorean.

No household should be without one.

Just $60,000

in three easy weekly installments.

Yes, sir,

these little babies are selling like hotcakes.

Plus, there's a free six-pack

of ice-cold Billy Beer with every purchase.

They're sturdy, they're dependable,

they're factory fresh.

They're-- They're-- Hm.

Slightly used. They're--

[DOG BARKS]

Sticky Glue.

So strong it can suspend this cow

from an iron girder.

[MOOS]

And so easy to use.

Just place between the thumb

and forefinger...

...gently squeeze, and--

And it really sticks.

Like that there.

[MOOS]

[DOOR KNOCKS]

l represent the Excelsior Appliance

and Appurtenance Company...

...with a complete line

of household appliances and appurt--

[STUTTERS]

-ls the lady of the house in?

MAN: No!

DAFFY: Here you are, folks.

Step right up. Step right up.

My company has authorized me to offer,

at slashed prices...

...this complete line of laugh provokers.

The little gem flower squirter.

Now, don't crowd. Don't crowd.

Well, isn't anybody gonna crowd?

Anybody?

How about a Joe Miller joke book?

Laughs galore.

Ajax rib-tickler, ma'am.

Amuse your boyfriend.

lt's used like a--

lt's nice.

Special price

on Chicken lnspector badge, sir.

lt's only 1 3 cents.

Amuse your friends

with a 200-volt electric hand buzzer.

lt's shocking.

MAN [ON TV] : We interrupt this program for

the latest news on the health of tycoon...

...and financier, J.P. Cubish.

Special bulletin. J.P. Cubish,

the multimillionaire, is in a critical condition.

The ailing buzz-saw baron,

who has not laughed in 50 years...

...has been quoted saying

he'd give a million dollars...

...for one good laugh

before he passes on.

Suffering succotash,

what am l waiting for?

l'll make that old sad sack

bust a seam laughing.

Hmm. lmposing-looking pile.

Yes?

Your troubles are over, Jeeves.

Lead me to your stricken master.

Be gone.

-Can't go in, huh?

-No.

Oh, well, no hard feelings. Shake.

[YELLS]

Cigarette?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you can see him. You can see him.

Right this way.

And that's just a sample.

Just a sample, Ruggles,

of what l can do for your master.

-Through here, sir.

-Thank you, boy.

[SPLASHES]

Watch that first step, Meadows.

lt's a dilly.

[HUMS]

l was a bit dusty.

Zenith Little Giant Wall-Scaler.

[GARBLED]

What did you do to my teeth? What--?

[CRASHES]

[CRASHES]

[DOOR BUZZES]

[SWlSHES]

Pop!

[lMlTATES DRAlNlNG SOUND]

-Skol.

-Skol.

[GROWLS]

[DAFFY YELPlNG]

Gulp.

Gulp.

Whoops! How are things in Glocca Mora?

Once and for all, l'm going to--

Not so fast, my man Godfrey.

lt becomes increasingly apparent

that l'm not wanted around here.

Are we to assume that there is anything

significant in this attitude of yours?

That A, a butler might not want his master

to recover his good health?

-But l--

-That B...

...said butler should endeavor

to remove from the premises...

...the only person capable of restoring

said health to said master?

No, no.

Where were you

the night of April the 1 6th?

l-- l--

A likely story.

l see it all now.

You and the upstairs maid.

''Do the old boy in,'' you said.

''Elderberry wine and old lace,'' you said.

Then, ''The quick getaway,'' you said.

Rio de Janeiro, tropical nights, romance,

and a heavy bank account.

-No. No.

-Yes. Yes.

But you weren't smart enough, John,

alias Johnnie.

Alias Jack.

Alias Jackie.

What's Humphrey Bogart got

that l ain't got?

But l-- But you--

But just to show you l'm not all copper...

...l'm gonna give you

a 1 0-minute head start.

-But l--

-Don't try to fight me now.

Hurry, they're on your trail!

Run! Out this way!

[SCREAMS]

And stay on the straight and narrow.

Now to business. Lace your corset, J.P.

Here l come.

Mm-hm. Hmm.

Don't worry, gramps.

We'll have you fixed up in a jiffy.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHlNG]

What's that for, bub?

l haven't even started yet.

What's the matter?

You see anything green?

Any flies on me?

''And to my beloved mascot,

Daffy Duck...

...who has given me much solace

in my final days...

...l leave the bulk

of my financial assets...

...with the provision...

...that Daffy use the money

to exemplify the highest spirit...

...of American free enterprise...

...and display honesty

in all business affairs.''

[GlGGLES]

Whoo-hoo! Success at last.

[SlNGlNG ''l'M lN THE MONEY'']

Ah. Upward mobility.

The smell of it.

Gads, that Cubish. What a rube.

[CHANTlNG]

Honesty in business affairs.

Honesty in business affairs.

How corny can you get?

l mean, what's he gonna do?

He can't take it with him.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

CUBlSH:

Oh, no?

[CUBlSH CACKLES]

Cubish.

What? No.

Cut it out, would you?

CUBlSH: You must use the money

for good in the world.

Yeah, use it for good.

Strange that you should mention that.

My very intention.

You took the words

right out of my mouth.

You must provide a service

to the community.

Yup. Uh-huh. Sure, sure.

Community service.

lt's the American way.

Sheesh. What a hypocrite. What a gyp.

Community service, huh?

l'll give him community service.

l'll see to it that ingrate ghosts

are wiped from the face of the Earth.

l'll rid the world of disgusting

ectoplasmic slime like J.P. Cubish.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Nice ectoplasmic slime like J.P. Cubish.

Whew.

Quite artistic, if l do say so myself.

Things are really looking up.

Nice new office, appropriate decor...

...and me, set to embark

on a potentially lucrative business endeavor.

[SNlFFS AND GAGS]

Yup, the supernatural

is a wide-open field.

There are crackpots out there who think

they've seen a spook or something.

lt's supply and demand.

They supply the ghosts

and l demand the money.

All of which is safely ensconced herein.

Sixteen million, 1 7....

Twenty-six, 27.

Okay, it's all here.

What's left of it, anyway.

Now all l need is some underlings

to boss around.

After all,

somebody's gotta do the dirty work.

Which reminds me,

where is that stupid rabbit?

He was supposed to be here an hour ago.

Thinks he's such a big star.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Not again. Eek!

What'd l say? What'd l say?

l know, l know.

lt was what l said about the rabbit, right?

Well, l take it back. He's a swell rabbit.

He'll be a valued and trusted associate.

All right, all right,

l'll make him vice president.

Cubish! l'll get you yet!

Well, seeing is believing.

''Daffy Duck, paranormalist.''

That's right. Paranormalist.

We'll be a pair of paranormalists. Get it?

Perhaps you were wondering

why l called you here today.

Well, actually,

l was just in the neighborhood, and l--

You couldn't wait to lend your support

to my little crusade against the undead.

l tell you,

it's a crisis of epidemic proportions.

All these vampires, zombies

and men from Mars traipsing about.

The streets aren't safe.

Something's got to be done about it.

Okay, okay, but why me?

lt's your civic responsibility.

The public will listen to you.

A veritable paragon of wholesome

family entertainment. Eck.

Gee, l don't know.

This was supposed to be my vacation,

and--

Vacation, did you say?

We offer marvelous travel opportunities.

Palm Springs?

Well, close to it anyway.

How's the Bermuda Triangle?

We'll see what we can do.

Hmm. He looks cool-headed enough.

Time to test his mettle

under honest-to-goodness field conditions.

l'll give him the treatment.

[GROWLlNG]

Gasp.

-So is it a deal?

-Sure, sure. Just call me if you need me.

And by the way,

you never looked lovelier.

Heh-heh-heh. l love these novelty

accoutrements. They're a riot at parties.

But l wonder if that rabbit

will be able to cut the mustard.

Perhaps he needs a little backup.

Now for some creative recruitment

tactics.

Porky Pig, huh?

Well, you couldn't ask for a better pigeon

than that.

And then there are the numerous

fringe benefits...

...such as our generous

employee insurance policies.

You may rest assured

that if anything happens to you...

...l'll be well taken care of.

-So are you in?

-Oh, why, yes, Mr. Duck.

l would dearly love to join forces

with your brave band of a para--

Of ghost exterminators.

-Do you think you have what it takes?

-Oh, yes, sir.

l'll give him the acid test.

Oh, and one more thing.

Anyone that works with me

should never get me riled.

Oh, and why not?

Because l'm a split personality.

That's why not. l'm two people in one.

A schiz-- A schizophreniac.

When people are nice to me,

l'm sweet, gentle and loving.

[lN FRENCH ACCENT]

Hello, baby. Nice, fat little butterball.

Oh, heh, heh, now, stop.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] But when some wise

guy starts pushing me around, look out.

l turn into a hideous monster.

[PANTlNG]

[GROWLS]

[CRASHlNG]

Get the idea, buster?

l do. l do. lndeed, l do.

And l'll be real nice and kind

and gentle to you.

[DAFFY SCREAMS]

[STAMMERlNG]

[LAUGHlNG]

Oh, brother. Have l got this chump going.

What a knucklehead...

...falling for that split-personality

monster gag.

That treacherous trickster.

PORKY:

l'll show him who's a knucklehead.

l'll give him a dose of his own medicine.

l hope l look scary enough.

[LAUGHS]

Well, l think l'll go

scare some more daylights...

...out of the little butterball.

[PANTS]

Suffering catfish.

l didn't realize l was that hideous.

[PORKY PANTS]

l'm not.

[SCREAMS]

PORKY: Heh-heh-heh.

Gosh, what a scaredy-cat.

Anybody who'd be scared

of a masquerade costume...

...is a craven little coward.

[SCREAMS]

Take it easy, fat stuff.

l was just testing you.

Good news. You got the job.

[CRASHES]

You passed with flying colors.

You are too kind.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Hello.

Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig...

...paranormalists at large.

Porky Pig speaking.

Yes. Why, yes, we do.

[PHONE RlNGS]

We'd be happy to send you

our free brochure.

Daffy Duck's the name,

the supernatural's my game.

What's that?

You say the Loch Ness monster...

...is living in your Jacuzzi?

Well, call Roto-Rooter.

Crank call.

All l can say is, never underestimate

the power of the media.

The phone's been ringing off the hook

ever since we started advertising on TV.

What the--? Now, how did he get in here?

How many times do l have to tell you?

No pets in the office.

Why don't you ever listen to me?

You got wax in your ears? l--

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Ooh.

Eeps!

l've heard of deflation,

but this is preposterous.

Cease. Desist.

Wait, l get you.

l gotta be nicer to my sl*ve labor, right?

Chubby over there.

l thought so. Say no more.

l'll treat him with kid gloves.

Sorry, Snuggles.

l didn't mean to startle you.

l may be in the chips...

...but l don't forget the little people

l've stepped on along the way.

l'll give you a raise. Two raises.

Bonuses galore. l'll-- Oops!

Okay, that's it. Get out of here.

Why, l ought to--

What a sweet little fellow we are.

But my, don't we look peaked?

Sort of wan and sallow-like.

How thoughtless of me to have left you

cooped up in this stuffy old office.

[PURRS]

There now.

Here's a nice spacious window ledge

for you to stretch out on.

[COOlNG]

Pardon me, Your Eminence.

l have some pap--

Some correspondence for you to sign.

Quiet. Our commercial's coming on.

MAN [ON TV] :

--and your entire family.

Hello, folks.

I don't know about you, but as for me,

there's nothing more upsetting...

...than having a bunch of unwelcome ghosts

and ghouls clanking around the house.

Did you ever have

one of those mornings...

...when you wake up to a whole series

of unexplainable phenomena?

Hey. Hey, hey, what's up, doc? What--?

Ahh!

What's going on around here?

Where did--? Ahh!

Where am l, anyway? Yeek!

If you've ever had this problem--

And who hasn't?

--just call Daffy Duck,

Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig...

...paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated...

...vampires evaporated

and monsters remonstrated.

Just call 555-5925.

Remember, that's the same

as dialing 555-KWAK.

A masterpiece.

Even better the 47th time you see it.

But too bad the rabbit

had to overact so much.

[GUFFAWS]

[COOlNG]

Just being a pussycat

is a constant hazard.

Whew.

They still haven't perfected flying.

l thought l saw a pussycat.

l'd better hide

or that bad old pussycat gonna get me.

[GUFFAWS]

No use hiding, bird.

l know you're around here somewhere.

You bad old pussycat.

[GUFFAWlNG]

Open up. Open up, l say.

Open this door or l'll knock it down.

[CRASHES]

l'll jump. l've got a choice? Ahh!

Fly! Fly faster!

Fly harder! Fly! Fly!

He's a k*ller! Help! Save me!

Ahh! Ahh!

Save me! He's a k*ller! Help!

Ha! l gotcha.

And just to make sure you don't get out

and that goon don't get in...

...l'm locking the door

and tossing the key out the window.

There.

And now, for that Tweety sandwich

l've been dreaming of.

Stop squirming.

l can't stand a sore loser.

Now for a little seasoning.

There's cloves...

...Tabasco sauce...

...mustard.

What? No ketchup?

Well, l guess l'll just have to eat you

without ketch--

Help! Open the door!

Help! l'm locked in with a k*ller!

Ahh! Help! Help! Ahh! Ahh!

Help!

Help! Save me! Ahh! Ahh!

Save me! He's a k*ller! Help!

Sylvester.

Most outrageous exhibition

of wanton cowardice.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Shameful.

Yeah, shameful.

Sylvester, now, where have you been?

What's gotten into you?

He's a complete basket case.

One word.

Rhinoceros?

Quasimodo?

Monster.

Why, that's just a little old canary bird

fluttering in the breeze.

You yellow dog of a cowardly Sylvester,

you.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Now, Sylvester, come on off of there.

Yes, yes?

-Hmm. Yes.

-You ought to be declawed...

...you silly ninny, you.

Okay, that's it. You're done. Fired.

Pink-slipped without pay.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

How's about you and your darling pet...

...taking a little excursion...

...to the resort town of Dry Gulch.

There's something screwy

going on down there.

Terror in the tumbleweeds,

that sort of thing.

Never fear.

My eagle eye will be ever alert

to anything out of the ordinar-- Ordinar--

To anything unusual.

Gosh, Sylvester, isn't it wonderful?

An all-expense-paid vacation.

Hey, easy on the expenses, Jack.

And take that panicky feline with you.

Come along now,

you pusillanimous pussycat, you.

Well, Sylvester, here we are.

Dry Gulch, our first assignment.

Golly, l've always wanted to be--

Go out West.

Haven't you, Sylvester?

lt's so quaint and picturesque.

l don't think

we're ever going to find any gho--

Poltergeists out here.

Dry Gulch Hotel. How opportune.

l hope they're not full up.

Come on, Sylvester. l'm afraid

we'll just have to wake somebody up.

What the--?

Sylvester.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Now, come on. Get down from there.

l ought to clobber you.

Come on, you great yellow cat, you.

What now?

Brother, the things l have to put up with

with this idiotic cat.

lt's just a little teeny harmless spider,

you shameless craven, you.

Now, come on. l'm sleepy.

l'll just ring for the night clerk.

l guess they're all asleep.

So l think we'd better just sign the register

and look up a room for ourselves.

We'll straighten the whole thing out

in the morning.

All right, what's the big idea pushing me?

Oh, don't be such an idiot.

What are you, a schizophre--?

A schizophre--?

A manic-depressive or something?

[GUNFlRE]

Sylvester.

What are you trying to do,

wake everybody in the house?

Of all the screwball ideas.

Fighting with stuffed animals.

Heh-heh-heh. Weren't we lucky

to find an unoccupied suite, Sylvester?

Now, let's go to sleep.

You'll feel a lot better in the morning.

Psychopathic old p*ssy cat, you.

What--? l can't breathe.

What's going--? Hey, hey, hey.

Sylvester...

...what are you doing with that rope?

And that razor?

[PORKY MUMBLlNG]

That settles it. Out you go.

Out, out, out!

What--? Get off of me. Get out of here.

What's the big idea?

What are you up to now, Sylvester?

Sylvester,

you come out of there this instant.

Well?

Oh, cut it out.

Of all the nonsense.

l guess the only way you'll be safe

from the bogeyman...

...is to sleep here with me.

You poltroon of a chicken cat, you.

Mice.

[GUNFlRE]

Tell me, Sylvester,

is there any insanity in your family?

[PORKY YAWNS]

What a lovely morning.

This really is a restful place.

You know, l think we'll just stay here

for a week or 10 days...

...and get really rested up.

[PORKY SlNGlNG

''HOME ON THE RANGE'']

[BANG]

[MAN READlNG ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Yow! Yipes! Yow! Yay!

Bothered by monsters?

Not to worry.

Our highly-skilled professional staff...

...is equipped to handle

any supernatural emergency...

...using only

the most advanced techniques.

My associate shall now demonstrate.

My stars.

Where did you ever get

that awful hairdo?

lt doesn't become you at all.

Here, for goodness' sake. Let me fix it up.

Look how stringy and messy it is.

What a shame.

Such an interesting monster too.

My stars, if an interesting monster

can't have an interesting hairdo...

...then l don't know

what things are coming to.

ln my business,

you meet so many interesting people.

Bobby pins, please.

But the most interesting ones

are the monsters.

Oh, dear, that'll never stay.

We'll just have to have a permanent.

Now, l've gotta give an interesting old lady

a manicure...

...but l'll be back before you're done.

So, folks, call Daffy Duck,

Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig...

...paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated...

...vampires evaporated

and monsters remonstrated.

Just call 555-5925.

Remember, that's the same

as dialing 555-KWAK.

Daffy Duck, anything for a buck.

Mr. Duck, l seem to be having trouble

with my kitchen appliances.

Listen, lady, this ain't no electrician's.

Well, it isn't quite that kind of trouble.

Your ad says paranormal expert, and--

Oh, l get it. Monsters in the microwave,

bats in the blender, that sort of thing.

No problem.

Just slip into something out of this world

and l'll be right over.

[RlNGS]

A damsel in distress,

and in a swanky part of town.

Okay, so where's the fire?

lt's in the oven, l presume.

Whoops. My mistake.

Nothing a little U*i-Off couldn't fix.

Must be the frost-free kind. Whew.

l could use some liquid refreshment.

Say, lady,

where do you keep your glasses?

They're in the cupboard.

Hmm. lt's getting a little crowded

in here.

What say we mosey on

into someplace a little more cozy-like...

...and talk things over.

So you have these Tupperware parties

often?

[GROWLS ]

[COUGHS]

Oh, Daffy, you're so witty.

Yes, l am witty at that.

How very perceptive of you to notice.

Oh, Daffy, l'm so scared.

And it's so comforting to have

a short, dark, handsome duck...

...like you to protect me.

You will help me, won't you?

Sure, sweetums. lt's in the bag.

With a little cooperation

and the proper setting...

...we could hold hands

and have a seance.

Handy things, these seances.

Gosh, l don't know my own strength.

Come on down to Papa, baby.

[lN SlNG-SONG VOlCE] Oh! Big, strong

Daffy-waffy gonna protect little itty-bitty me?

Oh, brother,

not another schizophrenic dame.

Hey, Sybil,

any more like you in the family?

Could you send back

that older sister of yours?

[SHRlEKS AND MO ANS]

Ou-yay upid-stay erk-jay.

And l thought French

was a romantic language.

Mary had a little lamb...

...but l ate it.

[lN GERMAN ACCENT]

So tell me, mein fraulein...

...when did you start hearing

these voices?

Was it something in your childhood,

perhaps?

Buried deep in your subconscious mind?

Search your memory.

You're blocking.

[SHRlEKlNG]

This is a little over my head.

[lN NORMAL VOlCE] Here we are.

How to Exorcise. Just the ticket.

lf this doesn't get her, nothing will.

''One and two and three and four.

One and two and three and--''

Whoops.

My error.

Here it is. The real McCoy.

''Of utmost importance

in the exorcism of spirits...

...is to keep them amused.''

Keep them amused, huh? l'll slay them.

A guy came up to me,

said he hadn't had a bite in weeks...

...so l bit him.

Howdy, stranger.

Just flew in from another world, huh?

l'll bet your arms are tired.

Hmm. They don't seem all that amused.

Maybe it's a culture gap.

l'll try something a little closer to home.

Did you hear the one about the girl

who didn't pay her exorcist bill?

Her soul got repossessed.

What? Who? Huh?

Why, l feel like my old self again.

Nothing to it, really,

for one of my sophisticated wit.

Uh-oh.

[GlGGLES]

That tickles.

Oh, my hero.

Y'all come back now, you hear?

[DAFFY LAUGHlNG]

Whew. What a fiasco.

House calls are definitely hazardous

to my health.

Cubish.

Let's see what my nemesis has been up to

in my absence.

Yow!

The money supply is dwindling.

l'm down to my last million.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Yes, please, anything.

Porky Pig reporting for duty,

O noble leader.

Oh, it's you. So, what's the story?

Any ghouls in them there hills?

Sorry, sir. A perfectly uneventful trip.

Except for this terrible headache.

l guess l'm not used to

the brisk desert climate.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, there's something screwy going on

around there, buddy.

l've been getting lots of calls

about suspicious-like activity.

Why don't you head on down

to the Superstition Mountains...

...and do some more snooping?

You're bound to find some rich nut

who's superstitious enough...

...to pay us royally for our services.

Boldly go where no pig has gone before.

Great news, Sylvester.

We're off to the Superstition Mountains.

Bills, bills, bills.

lt's positively stultifying.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

But l don't mind paying them.

Nice bills, good bills.

Can't get enough of them.

Some rich sucker for the supernatural

better materialize soon.

[PHONE RlNGS]

Daffy Duck, paranormalist par excellence.

WOMAN: Hello,

this is a person-to-person collect call...

...to Mr. Daffy Duck

from outer Transylvania.

Go ahead, please.

MAN 1 :

I want to bite your neck.

MAN 2: No, no. Don't drive that

wooden stake through my heart.

[CACKLlNG AND GRO ANS]

Transylvania? Yuck!

What a gruesome assignation.

But still, somebody's gotta go there.

l can't afford to leave any stone

unturned.

Ah. l got it. l'll stick the nasty job

on that underemployed rabbit.

After all, l did promise him

travel opportunities and--

-Go ahead, it's your quarter.

-Guess what, pal?

l pulled a few strings, sliced through

some bureaucratic red tape, and--

You mean l get to go to Palm Springs?

Well, not to Palm Springs exactly,

but someplace even balmier.

Scenic Transylvania,

tourist spot of the Western world.

l hear it's simply breathtaking

this time of year.

Just call me when you get there

and we'll map out your strategy.

Oh! Wow, what a belt.

These Transylvanian hardwoods

ain't too soft.

Who is that delicious young creature,

Emily?

Uh-oh. Good morning, ladies-- Lady.

Could you direct me

to the nearest telephone?

Doesn't he look sweet and crunchy,

Agatha?

Oh, well, never mind.

l'll just check at that motel over there.

Boy, they don't make places like this

anymore.

Be a wonderful place for a vacation.

[RlNGS]

Sorry to disturb you, sir.

l'd like to use your telephone.

-l know it's late, but--

BLOODCOUNT: Oh, no, it's never too late.

-Come in.

BUGS: Yeah, well...

...you see, l just wanna call my partner

in the U.S.A...

...to tell him l've arrived

in your charming country.

Boy, keen-looking lobby they got here.

Telephones, telephones.

Why do hotels

always hide the telephone...

...booths.

Oh, yeah. You must be the head waiter.

Count Bloodcount, at your service, sir.

Yeah. Well, look, Con,

about those telephones.

Telephones? Telephones?

Oh, yes. Right this way.

Say, nice little place

you've got here, doc.

lnteresting decor. Homey, comfortable.

Nice recreational facilities.

Nothing like family portraits

to brighten up a place, l always say.

BLOODCOUNT:

This is your room.

Yeah, sure, doc, but l don't want a room.

l just want a telephone.

Rest first. Telephone tomorrow.

Rest is good for the blood.

[YAWNS]

Well, l am a little fatigued.

Goodbye, little friend.

l mean, good night.

Asleep yet?

Nope.

Well, ring if you need anything.

Cyanide or like that.

Same old problem.

l just can't sleep in a strange bed

no matter how nice the place is.

Hey, that's what l need,

something to read.

Mm. ''Magic Words and Phrases.''

Sounds interesting. Yeah.

Uh.... ''Magic can be performed

either by potions...

...or by the use of magic words

and phrases.

Among the most powerful of these...

...is the word aba-- Abracadabra. ''

Yeah. Oh, sure it is. Sick humor.

''lt is to laugh magic words--''

Golly, what big mosquitoes

they do have around here.

Hold still, you little devil. There.

''Another highly useful magic word

is hocus-pocus. ''

-Anyone we know, Agatha?

-No.

Splendid-looking specimen, though.

Boy, l hope the restaurant's still open.

l haven't eaten since l left Cucamonga.

[HUMMlNG]

[SlNGlNG]

Abracadabra

Another one.

They ought to screen this place.

[COUGHlNG]

[BUGS HUMMlNG]

[SlNGlNG]

Hocus-pocus

l am a vampire.

Oh, yeah? Well, abracadabra.

l'm an umpire.

Hocus-pocus.

l'm a bat.

Okay, l'm a bat too.

Abracadabra.

BLOODCOUNT: You wouldn't hit

a bat with glasses on, would you?

Hocus-pocus.

Now l crush you.

Abracadabra.

[MUFFLED]

Hocus-pocus.

Abracadabra.

BLOODCOUNT:

Hocus-pocus.

Abracadabra.

Abraca-pocus.

Pocus-cadabra.

Newport News.

Wow, l can do better than that.

Walla Walla, Washington.

Oh, girls.

Emily, look. lt's our little friend.

Look, Emily.

lsn't it romantic?

l always said,

four heads are better than one.

Well, a telephone at last.

Hello, operator?

Could you please connect me with a certain

Mr. Daffy Duck in New York City, U.S.A.?

[HUMMlNG]

[SlNGlNG]

Abraca-pocus

So, what's the bad word?

Anything inexplicable

to write home about?

No, nothing special.

But l did manage

to bring together two lovely couples...

...who have a lot in common.

What do you think we're running here,

a matrimonial agency?

Just like that rabbit.

The company's crashing down around me

and he gets sentimental.

Let's see, now. Let's see. Form A, 62-B.

l can deduct 30 thou because of

my winning personality, but wait.

According to schedule 77...

...since l was born in a month

with an R in it...

...l can write off this, subtract that,

carry the one and--

These new simplified tax forms

are driving me nuts.

Setbacks, setbacks.

[CUBlSH LAUGHS]

Ah. l got it. l'll claim my deceased

Uncle Robespierre Duck as a dependent.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

What the lRS don't know

won't hurt them.

Nothing simpler

than a little juggling of the books.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

Oh, come on, l like to juggle books.

lt's good, clean, harmless fun.

See? Juggling.

lt's my hobby.

[PHONE RlNGlNG]

-Uh, hello?

-Himalayas.

A giant monster running amok,

ruining tourist trade.

Come quick. Help!

[SCREAMlNG]

The Himalayas. Duty calls.

l'll hop down there,

make short order of this Bigfoot thing...

...and they'll generously reward me

with Tibetan beads and trinkets.

But, you know,

giant monsters aren't exactly my forte.

l could use a front man

to take some of the lumps.

Hmm. Sounds to me like another

menial task for that dumb bunny.

Transylvania, Transylvania.

Where is that stupid number?

[PHONE RlNGlNG]

-Yes?

-Hello, Bugs? Daffy here.

How's about a nice executive junket to--?

No, not Palm Springs.

To the rugged Himalayas.

Seems the local yokels have a problem

with some giant.

Must be some kind

of a native superstition.

Here we are, the Himalayas.

What a way for a duck to travel:

underground.

Crimenetlies, it's cold.

Good thing l packed my winter wardrobe.

l don't see any giant.

Hey, come to think of it,

l don't even see any Himalayans.

You know, if we just reroute

through Albuquerque...

...we could probably hit Palm Springs

by this afternoon.

You and your one-track mind.

First things first, buster.

There's still the little matter of this giant

to take care of.

Guess l'll backtrack a bit.

l must have missed something

on the way.

All right,

what's holding up the works?

What's all the--?

Ahh!

Oh, what a cute little pink bunny rabbit.

Just what l always wanted.

My own little bunny rabbit.

l will name him George

and l will hug him...

...and pet him and squeeze him.

l'm not a bunny rabbit.

MONSTER:

And pat him and pet him and--

You're hurting me. Put me down, please.

MONSTER:

And rub him and caress him and--

l ain't no bunny rabbit!

Not a bunny rabbit, George?

Then how come you have long ears?

-How come?

-Long ears?

Those aren't ears. Those are sleeves.

So now put me down, please, huh?

Oh, George, you were naughty

to pretend you was a bunny rabbit.

l will punish you good.

Bad old George.

Look, doc,

l know where there's a real bunny rabbit.

A very cuddly and a fuzzy rabbit.

And then, after a carrot burger

and a malt in Albuquerque--

Oh, Bugsy. Bugsy, buddy.

Oh, hi. What's up, duck?

Come here, old pal.

My own little bunny rabbit.

Hey, an abominable snowman.

l will name him George

and l will hug him and--

Oh, sure. l know l'm a louse.

But l'm a live louse.

MONSTER:

And l will give him security.

And l will keep him warm

like a mother hen...

...so he will never feel rejected

or lack for love.

Poor old Bugs.

But anyway you look at it,

it's better he should suffer.

After all, it was me or him,

and obviously, it couldn't be me.

lt's a simple matter of logic.

l'm not like other people.

l can't stand pain. lt hurts me.

Okay, Abom, here's your bunny rabbit.

A bunny rabbit, George?

-Bunny rabbit? Me?

-Yes, you, doc.

Very funny. Ha, ha. Very droll.

Hey, Shorty...

...what do you consider to be the

distinguishing characteristics of a rabbit?

Uh.... Distinguishing character--

Yeah, yeah.

What makes a rabbit look like a rabbit?

Why, the long ears.

And whom around here has long ears?

Sorry to have to do this to you, bud.

Eh. Don't give it a second thought.

Oh, boy. Just what l always wanted,

my own little bunny rabbit.

They really do make a charming couple.

MONSTER:

Pet him and squeeze him and rub him...

...and stroke his bill

and rub his pretty feathers.

Hey. Wait a minute.

Bunny rabbits

don't have feathers and bills.

l know. l know.

There goes your bunny rabbit.

Hey, George.

Wait.

h*, h*!

Look out, bunny rabbit. This l gotta see.

And l searched and l searched.

Whew. lt's hot.

But l never caught up

with my little bunny rabbit.

Gee, that's tough, Mr. Adomin-abable.

And now l'll never--

Gosh, it's hot.

--never see my bunny rabbit again.

Don't give up hope, yet, doc.

lf you love him, he'll come back.

Well, here l am.

m*ssacre started yet? Fireworks gone off?

Balloon gone up?

Oh, boy. A bunny rabbit.

Just what l always wanted.

l will name him George.

And l will hug him and squeeze him

and pet him and pat him and--

Hey.

Hey, what do you know? He melted.

He really was a snowman.

Abominable, that is.

[MAN READlNG ON-SCREEN TEXT]

Ahh! Eek!

Still bothered by monsters?

Don't despair.

Our company offers a fine line

of magic potions and unguents.

Guaranteed to rid the home

of your supernatural pests.

Whoops. Here they come.

BUGS:

Mm. Not bad.

[GROWLS]

So, folks, call Daffy Duck,

Bugs Bunny and Porky Pig...

...paranormalists at large.

Spooks spooked, goblins gobbled,

UFOs KO'd, aliens alienated...

...vampires evaporated

and monsters remonstrated.

Daffy Duck, ace paranormalist,

at your service.

MAN:

Hello? Hello, Mr. Duck?

l wanna report an elephant

in my birdbath.

l beg your pardon, sir.

You say there's an elephant

in your birdbath?

Uh-oh. An obvious nutcase.

So there's an elephant in your birdbath.

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, how does he fit in it, sir?

Yeah. l see.

The elephant in your birdbath

is only 5 and a quarter inches tall.

Definitely non compos mentis.

Better summon the authorities.

No, no. You wait right there, sir.

Somebody will be coming

to call on you very shortly.

-Now, what was that address again?

-1 1 2 North Highland.

Yeah, that's right. Please, hurry.

[CHlTTERlNG]

[DOOR KNOCKS]

Steady, now, lad. Easy does it.

But l did.

l did see an elephant in my birdbath.

Sure, sure, l know.

l keep a giraffe in mine.

[SHRlEKS]

[BANG]

[TRUMPETS]

You're late.

He always used to be pink.

And Mother used to scold me

when l was only 3.

She'd say, ''Dolores, you're not seeing

little lavender men in the sugar bowl.''

But l did, doctor.

And then when l went to nursery school,

my teacher, Mrs. Swanson--

She was a synthetic blond.

Well, Mrs. Swanson used to spank me,

spank me hard, even with--

l think it all began when Father

refused to take me to the circus.

l was a fragile child of 6.

Say, this teensy-elephant thing

has spread like wildfire.

Right up my alley.

A golden opportunity to go on TV

and placate the citizenry.

lt can't fail.

l'll soothe their troubled brows...

...and be showered with goodies

by a grateful populace.

Good evening, l'm Zed Toppel,

and this is Frightline.

Tonight, the miniature elephant.

ls it real, or is it merely a figment

of our overactive imaginations?

A product of our troubled times.

Our guest is the noted metaphysician,

Mr. Daffy Duck...

...who may be able to shed some light

on this otherwise dark corner...

-...of our national obsession with--

-Yeah, sure. Thank you, Zed.

Folks, this so-called miniature elephant

couldn't possibly exist.

Now, l can accept something plausible.

Ghosts? Okay. Vampires? Fine.

-But itsy-bitsy elephants? That's silly.

ZED: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

That's just stupid. That's not even--

[TRUMPETS]

Yike!

[LAUGHlNG]

The insult. The ignominiousness.

Publicly disgraced

on a coast-to-coast hookup.

Wait a minute. l can still get out of this.

lt's that TV station. l'll sue them.

lt's their fault.

No, wait. l was simply misinformed.

lt's my advisor, that pig.

The perfect patsy.

Nobody will believe him.

He's a nincompoop.

Yeah, that's it. lt was his fault. Yeah.

Who's to know? What the hay?

There's nothing wrong with

a little dishonesty in business affairs.

What am l saying?

l'm finished.

Strapped. Kaput.

[DOOR KNOCKlNG]

Ah-ha. lt's the door. Opportunity knocks.

[LAUGHlNG]

Telegram for Mr. Daffy Duck.

From the Cheapskate Savings and Loan.

[SlNGlNG] We're sorry but we must confess

Your rent's not paid, you're in a mess

lt's amazing.

Vacate to a new address

You can't stay here

You're dispossessed

Good evening, friends

lt's unbelievable.

MAN:

Heads up, moving men.

But honest and truly,

the check's in the mail.

MAN:

Sorry, Mac.

[DOOR RATTLES]

Now what?

One thing's for sure.

l got nowhere else to go but up.

[RUMBLlNG]

[SCREAMS]

Too bad. Too bad.

So much trouble in the world today.

Hey, garcon.

How about another carrot juice

on the rocks?

lsn't this wonderful, Sylvester?

Camping way out here

in the middle of nowhere.

So peaceful and quiet.

[HOWLS]

[BARKS]

Hey. What--?

Relinquish me,

you foul, gibbering feline, you.

That's just a little old scraggily coyote

baying at the moon.

You yellow dog of a cowardly cat, you.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

DAFFY: Come and get them, folks.

Come and get them while they last.

Trick spiders, plastic blobs,

ghost goop, garlic wreathes...

...and other miscellaneous

supernatural knickknacks.

Well, how's about these simply adorable

windup dolls?

-Just $ 1 apiece.

MAN: Why, yes, l'll take one of those.

You will? Really?

Gee, thanks.

Cubish!