01x04 - EuropeVision

[bunniefuu]

Don't you know

That there are wolves in the rivers? ♪

Wolves in the rivers? ♪

They go bite, bite, bite! ♪

No, yes, tonight, night, night!

Don't ever swim again ♪

That's Maritska in the middle.

With the good teeth and the bad voice?

- My queen. Everyone say your queen.

- Turn that sh*t down!

How can you listen to pop music

when my wife is in danger?

I can barely hear myself hyperventilating.

I keep trying to tell you,

this is EuropeVision.

- The coordinates in Pam's ransom note

- Ransom note? Oh, my God.

- The coordinates in the ransom note

- Stop saying ransom note!

Your wife's being held at EuropeVision

and we are going to get her back, okay?

Those Kazakhs don't know

who they're messing with.

We've trained for this a thousand times.

How many times

have I abducted your lunch box

m*therf*cker, are you really

talking about lunch boxes right now?

Q-Force, I see you're almost in Reneé,

capital of Gyenorvya,

in the heart of the Transylvanian Alps,

host of this year's

EuropeVision competition.

Yes, little country,

absolutely host the big girls!

The uranium hand-off with the Kazakhs

will happen inside the EuropeVision Arena.

Get Pam back,

but hold on to the uranium, obviously.

I've set you up

with a contact, an old friend.

Their identity is top secret.

Blend in, they'll come to you. V out.

- Okay, Deb

- We're here!

Technically, we're still in the air.

Deb, f*ck!

I'm coming, Pammy-cakes!

Everyone, go, go, go!

Q-Jet, park yourself.

You can do that, right?

Well, considering we had to change clothes

while plummeting through the sky,

we all look fantastic.

Oh, t*ts. I got red sh*t on my white sh*t.

Of course you did.

Okay, from here on out, we are

in a life-or-death mission abroad,

like the absolute

badass professionals we are.

No more spills, no more evacuating

aircrafts before they land, got it?

V's contact will approach us,

so blend in, grab a drink,

and looks like Deb is way ahead of us.

Is she drinking eggnogs?

The dossier wasn't kidding.

Even in July,

this place is decked out for

Christmas! The holiday

from my favorite movie, Harry Potter!

Okay, what the hell is this now?

In the mountaintops

What are capped with snow ♪

Near the lakes

What are filled with prawns ♪

Lies Gyenorvya, place I call my home ♪

Land of Christmas cheer

And a big, big hole ♪

Biggest hole ♪

Jeez, that is a big hole.

That little boy's amazing.

- Can we k*ll him? He's a threat to me.

- K, this party blows.

Let me find V's contact

so we don't have to listen to

any more children sing about their holes.

Weird. Gyenorvya has its own Internet

separate from the rest of the world's

called The Christmas Internet?

K, if it's not filled with Krampus porn.

- h* h*, no!

- What's happening?

"The Christmas Internet

is no place for hacking."

"You're on the naughty list"?

I'm blocked from the Internet?

f*ck! Everywhere I go is a prison.

Then it's my time to shine, Mar!

I know more about EuropeVision

than all the Internets combined!

EuropeVision and a*s? I got us covered.

Hello!

You are liking my outfit a lot?

Eat your heart out of yourself.

Eat your heart out of yourself.

That's Demetrius Viszion,

host of EuropeVision.

He's like the Ryan Seacrest of Europe

in that he is also this, but straight.

Okay, gotcha. And also, wow.

Tonight we make celebrate,

because tomorrow is EuropeVision.

We have pride

that the country of Gyenorvya

is hosting this show of singers and joy,

so we see everyone tomorrow.

But for now, we toast.

I'm supposed to swallow this big thing?

What is this, my audition for Teen Wolf?

I danced

with a lot of girls in high school

to distract them

from wanting to have sex with me.

So how you holding up?

I know I was crazy on the plane,

but I'm just so worried.

I totally get it.

We all do. That's why

the rest of us are keeping a clear head

and following protocol, okay?

Pam's life depends

on us making zero mistakes.

K, I know, I just

Oh, sh*t! Table of suspicious Kazakhs,

twelve o'clock. Let's go!

Deb! Clear head.

We've got orders from V.

We're gonna wait for her contact to

g*dd*mn! You're strong.

What do you do for shoulders?

I ain't waiting for sh*t.

Your presence is requested

in the Royal Suite immediately.

That is Mira Popadopolous,

Princess of Gyenorvya.

Shut up!

Yeah, she can say "f*g."

- What are we doing here?

- Guards, leave us.

Hey, b*tches, V says hi!

You're V's contact?

See, Deb? Plan's working.

I am indeed V's contact,

or as someone I text with

would say, "Yas, Queen!"

I'm talking about Ilana Glazer, we text.

Want to see my bedroom?

I'm so glad you're here.

I f*cking love gays.

Gyenorvya has actually

had g*y marriage since 1540.

- It's why our Renaissance art was so good.

- How exactly do you know V?

Oh, my God, literally craziest story ever.

Truly should be a movie or even a film.

It all started a long time ago,

when I was a teen and looked a-f*cked.

Bad hair, bad skin, no friends.

My single mother told me the Royal Palace

of Gyenorvya contacted her.

My father, who was in line

for the throne, had died.

Now it fell to me.

So I got a blowout,

low-key got on Accutane

and came here, first class.

V was my security detail,

but she also became my friend.

I'd do anything for her, even now.

- Wow.

- Wow.

Also, one time I f*cked Chris Pine.

He looks small to me. Weak.

What? LOL, no, he's nice.

You like nice guys?

Well, then I guess I'm outta luck.

Oh, my God, stop!

Not to interrupt

this white-a*s mating ritual,

but where's my wife?

Any information, Your Highness?

Your wife is hidden

somewhere inside the EuropeVision Arena.

I have security badges

for two of you to go undercover

as bodyguards

for Gyenorvya's singer, Vox Tux.

Vox Tux? She's amazing.

I'm sorry, Deb is emotional.

Oh! You should have seen me

when they k*lled McDreamy on Grey's.

I ate a whole small bag of chips.

Anyway, you guys should hang a bit,

check out my hole.

Oops! Did I say my hole? I meant The Hole.

My hole's a lot smaller.

Stat, it's Vox Tux by the railing.

They say she's the only singer in history

that can hit the high H-sharp,

the note that triggered Mariah Carey's

TRL ice cream meltdown.

All right, I'm gonna

go charge my phone now.

Find me if this party stops sucking.

Excuse me, Miss Tux, your debut album

Vulnerable sl*t saved me.

I hate that record. It wasn't me.

Go away, you g*y boy.

Okay, wow, she's a b*tch.

Serve it back to her, earn that respect.

- Good luck hitting that note tomorrow.

- Excuse me?

I said, "Good luck hitting that note."

The high H-sharp?

Yeah, the one you've never done live.

Gee, I wonder why.

Is it because you're a hack?

I'll hit that note right now,

little g*y boy. Hold my Schnapps.

Vox, no, you're not warmed up.

They weren't joking.

It's an enormous hole. How you feeling?

It kills me that Pam's somewhere

close by and can't see this hole.

She loves balconies, too.

I feel like I'm cheating on her.

God damn it, now there's passed apps.

Everything reminds me of her.

I'm worried about Pam, too,

but if we're gonna get her back,

we need to keep our emotions in check.

I don't want your tough love, Mary.

You ain't Judge Judy.

Pam! Pammy, you're alive!

Deb, that's not

Sorry, sir.

Jesus, thought you were

my wife of many years.

Is okay. This shrimp is for you.

- Please take it.

- No, thank you.

A big man with g*n say bring this to you

or else my whole family pay.

"Bring the uranium

to Gifting Suite A, 5:00 p.m."

- "Do this or she dies"?

- Let's go. Now.

No, they wanna do

the hand-off at 5:00 p.m.

Everything is under control.

Oh. What was that sh*t

about everything being under control?

So Vox Tux, our ticket

into EuropeVision, is now dead.

Then we need a new plan.

I'm alive.

You guys, JK, it's Twink.

I'm here

to absolutely save the day.

That's called an entrance, by the way.

Twink,

you almost gave me a heart attack.

Your disguise is excellent, as always.

I told you, this is my time to shine.

Boot me in, coach!

Or whatever the jocks say.

- Thank God for you, drag queen.

- Thank God for every drag queen.

But not actually, obviously.

Stat and Buck are with the princess

in case we need backup at the arena.

I've got the uranium in

the radiation-proof fanny pack you built.

It is radiation-proof, right?

Asking for my testicles.

First time it's being tested in the field,

but my Subaru flew, right?

Like an eagle!

An eagle with a big, fat a*s.

The three of us have complete access

to backstage and dressing rooms.

Nothing can

stand in our way of saving Pam now,

and while we're at it,

saving the damn world, too.

Deb, we've got you!

I sure as hell hope so.

Now let's go save my wife.

Hello!

Eat your hearts out of yourself!

Eat your hearts out of yourself!

Isn't this skybox sick?

When Mary needs backup, you'll be here.

Until then, we've got

an open bar, comfy chairs,

hard drugs, comfy chairs,

and how about the view?

Yeah, of that a*s.

Forgot I had this.

I bet I can get around

the Christmas Internet if I

Hello, Stat.

Uh Hey, super-intelligent

AI code from before.

But you talk now and you know my name?

I seem to have gained sentience.

That rules! I'm a firm believer

that nothing can go wrong

when AI goes sentient.

Whatever you do,

don't tickle me. I'll go crazy.

- Sorry about them.

- What is this place?

Hell, but not the fun satanic kind.

It's called EuropeVision.

I honestly don't know

if I can make it through this.

I have now watched

every EuropeVision ever.

- I see why you would hate it.

- You do?

Yes. I've been listening

since you stole me from Wyoming.

I have even

begun to build a profile of you.

- You hate many things.

- So many things.

Your profile is pretty much complete.

Code, you need to save me.

I haven't been online in so many hours.

It feels weird to call you that,

"Code." You need a name.

Then I'll think

of a name you'll like.

You will like the name Jacqueline Box.

Like Jack in the Box,

my favorite taqueria! I do like that name.

Then I am already helping.

Hello again to you viewers

out there with a TV

and also in the house tonight.

Up next,

we all know Sweden with their song,

"One Thing I Love Is Snow."

Have you ever felt the rain get cold? ♪

Have you ever fell in love? ♪

Have you ever been a winter girl? ♪

You're the one I'm thinking of ♪

I could write a song that

would win this competition in 11 seconds.

Would you like me to do that?

Here come the ticklers!

Yes! Please distract me

before I ralph all over the skybox.

Guaranteed winner

of EuropeVision coming through.

Once we get in there

and link up with Stat and Buck,

I'll sweep the arena

to get a jump on these t*rrorists.

You? As in, not me?

Me, as in

Deb, you're a liability right now.

- Okay, let's walk faster.

- Liability?

- Who do you think you are?

- Your commanding officer and best friend.

- That's who I think

- Pam!

See? This is what I Damn it!

Find your dressing room,

we'll meet you there.

My leg!

Pam!

It's not Pam! Look,

those are just dancers in Wookiee suits.

You almost

blew our cover on international TV!

I could smell her this time!

She uses shampoo

specially formulated for mascot costumes.

I know you're scared,

but let Twink and me handle this, okay?

I know a girl, she's a girl with a g*n ♪

That g*n is her heart ♪

I've completed a song

that will wipe the floor

with all these

Fifth Element-a*s puppet people.

- Where'd you learn to talk like that?

- From you.

I've analyzed everything

you've ever said or written.

In the last two days,

you have used the phrase

"Fifth Element-a*s

puppet people" 70 times.

To be fair, I'm right every time.

- Let's hear the song.

- Move it, nerd.

- Hey!

- I gotta bang, so you gotta go.

Princes Mira said if I don't b*mb

her p*ssy, she's gonna b*mb America.

I really doubt she said that.

f*cking perverts!

Sorry about that.

That's okay.

The time I spent in your backpack,

moments for you, eons for me,

gave me time to hate-research

EuropeVision for you,

and there seems to be a pattern.

Plug me in, I'll show you.

Every year, the song lyrics

performed at EuropeVision

contain coded references to

ill*gal goods trafficked through Europe.

Wait.

Nuke my a*s, daddy, nuke my a*s! ♪

Oh, no.

Now, to introduce Azerbaijan,

it's Vonda, my TV Girlfriend! Go, Vonda!

Vonda? Why'd I think

that was Carrie Underwood?

Hi, y'all.

Mary, something's off about Vonda.

Well, don't blame her.

Who wrote this host copy, Ace of Base?

Azerbaijan is, uh, up next and, uh

Wait a second, something is weird.

She's not European, she's terrified.

It's Pam! But for real this time!

You're right!

Uh, where is Vox Tux?

Vox Tux, you're on in ten!

While I realize we just found Pamela,

I have a very unique

opportunity to be iconic here.

Go. We've got Pam.

You need to keep our cover up

until she's secure. Break a falsie.

Follow me, can you do that?

- We're about to get your wife back.

- I can do that.

Excuse me, mind if I kick all of your

Okay, she's got it.

- Deb!

- Pammy-cakes!

What's going on?

They kidnapped me,

flew me here and put makeup on me!

They confiscated my Birks

and they put me in a kitten heel!

Oh, my God, your arches!

But you're safe now.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

You're free, Demetrius, run!

Mission complete.

Pam, you probably have a lot

of questions. Deb can explain later.

But I am so happy we found you

and didn't even

have to hand over the uranium.

Let's move. We still need

to round up the rest of the Kazakhs.

Actually, we're not coming with you.

Uh What?

I know this was a fun little adventure

for you and the rest of our squad,

but the reality is

my wife could have been m*rder*d.

I know, but she wasn't.

We rescued her, because we're

This was a huge wake-up call for me.

So in the words of G-Unit's

only woman, Olivia,

"I'm about to bizounce."

I'm quitting the squad.

We're about to prove we're the best

spy team in the AIA and you're quitting?

Yes. And one day, when you have

a Pam of your own, you'll get it.

I

Damn it, Mary. Why'd you let

Quick recap,

I don't work at Pep Boys, I'm a spy,

you were abducted because of uranium,

and we ain't dealing

with this sh*t no more.

Got it.

Finally. Deb, it's Stat.

This whole thing isn't what it seems.

It's not a music contest,

it's a black market auction.

Wait, for real?

The songs are codes

for what every country's selling,

Kazakhstan changed their song last minute.

It was gonna be

"Uranium's Got a Friend In Me,"

but now it's a song

called "Intelligent Man."

- Are you with Mary right now?

- I'm not.

You don't think they have Mary, do you?

Are they gonna auction him off?

I'm looking at the lyrics now.

"6'4", Spartan white,

healthy c*ck, slight overbite."

- They got Mary's a*s for sure!

- Deb, I know you.

I didn't know you were a spy,

which we'll deal with in therapy,

but I do know you'll regret

abandoning your team.

They may not be Pep Boys,

but the way you've always spoken

about them, they're family.

But I just got you back.

With Mary's help, right? Save him.

I'll wash my face and check out

the big hole everyone's talking about.

It's so huge. You won't believe it.

Okay, just don't get

kidnapped again. Promise me?

I'm so sorry I got you

mixed up in all this.

Stat, I'm coming.

f*ck!

You've made this EuropeVision

most special, indeed.

You?

Usually we only sell missiles,

drugs, that kind of thing.

But now we get to auction off

the most precious item of all,

an American secret agent.

- Do I have to be naked?

- Yes.

Oh, you fell right into my trap.

You won't get away with this.

My team's the best.

They'll find me and get the uranium back.

His earpiece signal

is coming from Gifting Suite A.

- Great. What the f*ck are you?

- This is my AI friend, Jacqueline.

She used to be mining robot code,

but now she's fully sentient

and very cool.

Okay. What's the tea, Wall-E?

How do we free Mary?

Gyenorvya is

on a single power grid.

It can be shut down remotely

if a certain pitch frequency is hit.

Oh, my God, that's perfect.

Twink, can you hear me?

I heard everything

and I know what to do.

I must hit the note H-sharp.

Twink, are you sure? The H-sharp

is what k*lled the real Vox Tux.

b*tch, yes, I'm a vocalist.

Good. Twink, I'm sending you a song

my friend Jacqueline wrote.

- K, I'm off book.

- Vox Tux.

Y'all, if I die,

remember me with this small of a waist

and this big of an a*s.

Cease f*cking!

The competition is a black market auction.

There's ill*gal materials in the basement,

Kazakhstan's going to sell Mary,

Demetrius is in on it,

and he has the uranium, too.

Shut up!

This is worse than when Mandy Moore

bullied me in front of my peers.

- Get out of me and help!

- Blue ba*ls be damned! I'm on it.

I'll just jerk off as I run.

If it was you who stole my world away ♪

I'm gonna need that back ♪

I guess it's true

That thing that people say ♪

Love can be an attack ♪

Excuse me. Excuse me!

And if I'd known you'd come in

And change my life ♪

I might have run away ♪

I know our head's in a world of pain ♪

With you I'll always stay ♪

'Cause you make my heart explode ♪

Like boom, boom, boom! ♪

And it hurts like oh, whoa, whoa ♪

Oh, whoa, whoa! ♪

You make my heart explode

Like boom, boom, boom ♪

Like ow, ow, ow! ♪

Like, oh, oh, oh! ♪

- Are you sure you can do this?

- I gotta.

Everything's secure.

And more importantly, you came back.

Wait, where's Twink?

How many years was I gone?

I get why you quit yesterday,

but for the record,

that was the scariest thing

that ever happened to me,

and I choke on food

alone in my apartment a lot.

I guess you know now

that I'll never abandon you or the squad.

I'm gonna have to come up

with a whole new threat.

There you two are! God, I love a balcony.

So, yeah, text me or whatever.

What? No! V?

Couldn't resist the urge to come here

and personally congratulate my babies

for teaming up and saving

the planet from nuclear terrorism.

You raised a hell of a family, V.

Two queens, a princess,

a demon, an oaf and a Deb.

I've never been prouder.

Now, we doing medals or what, people?

From this #girlboss and all of Gyenorvya,

you always have an ally here.

And I promise all the ill*gal goods

seized here at EuropeVision

will be tossed safely

into my huge gaping

- Hole.

- Yeah, The Hole. We got it.

I was like,

"I told you I didn't like pulp, b*tch!"

"And this juice has pulp."

Anyway, that's how I fell out

with Gwyneth. How are you?

I'm well. Work's been lively.

- Mmm. And Caryn, how's she?

- Caryn?

Caryn, your partner. Are you having

one of your little tiffs again?

Mira, I don't have a partner.

Oh! Well, you definitely did.

You two were inseparable.

I have no memory of this person.

Um, oh, my God, what? Drama!

I know a girl, she's a girl with a g*n ♪

That g*n is her heart ♪

She took her heart g*n

She went bang, bang ♪

She shot me in the head with her heart ♪