01x05 - WeHo Confidential

[bunniefuu]

Even out in the open, I ♪

Even out in the open

I'll wanna sail, sail, sail away ♪

Walking through foreign life ♪

Walking out looking all right ♪

Pulling my strings, shoveling my way ♪

Uh, can we do another round?

Wow. That's your fifth Bloody Mary.

Hey, my team just got back from

our first international design mission

and I've earned some fun.

How are you not drunk?

It takes a lot. I was born

with a crazy amount of red blood cells.

The doctor said my blood's so thick

my type is Jell-O positive.

Benji, your friends rule.

Why don't we do this more often?

We do, but your schedules are crazy.

Yeah, Steve's a bit of an early riser.

Uh, yeah, you insisted

we do this brunch at 9:00.

We have two hours to k*ll

before our next brunch.

You know, we should re-commit

to more post-noon socializing.

Strangely enough, an old friend

invited me to a party today. Should we go?

Do you know Chasten Barkley?

Uh, yeah, his parties are infamous.

You're friends with a billionaire?

Well, when I first moved to WeHo,

we were inseparable,

but I haven't talked to him in

Wow, a decade. Are the parties fun?

Eh. Not really our vibe. Ours is more,

"Let's get high and watch Chicago."

Theirs is more like,

"Let's bleach our teeth and our assholes."

Um, Steve, are you sure about this party?

You don't have to impress me.

I'm not sure it's your scene.

But it used to be. I've been unplugged

from my amazing community for too long.

It's time to plug back in

and show up for old friends, you know?

Oh, there's one now. Hey, Twink!

Oh, hey, girl! That's my job daddy.

Right? Anyway, don't let me

keep you from your hollandaise.

- Just having a union meeting over here.

- Drag queens have a union?

You've lived in WeHo so long

and yet you know so little.

IDP Local 69 reps drag queens,

singing telegrams,

and weirdly, the guy in the firehouse

who makes the chili.

The secret ingredient is dignity.

Wow, this is not what I expected.

When I knew him, he was a pale temp

with a carpeted sublet.

Remind me, what's the name of his company?

- Honestly?

- Yeah.

No, his company is called "Honestly?"

With a question mark.

They make sustainable beauty products

that are unsustainable on my salary.

Oh, my God. Steve!

Wow! Chasten, I barely recognized you.

You look great.

Oh, this is my boyfriend, Benji.

Fun. So rude, but can I borrow you

for a second? We have to catch up.

Bevin, why don't you

hit the carving station?

The beef is naturally lean,

just like Steve.

Chasten, this is the nicest house

I've ever seen,

but can I ask,

why do you have two telescopes?

Ask Chris Pine

why he has two outdoor showers.

Call me Aerosmith

'cause I don't wanna miss a thing.

Tequila soda?

Sorry, I cannot get over your glow up.

Your skin is shimmering.

Oh, stop it. It's boring.

Exercise, diet, plasma from an orphan.

Who cares? You haven't changed a bit.

I'm so glad you came because I need

a favor. Patrick, headphones up.

I need your help.

My assistant, Patrick, has gone missing.

No, that's Patrick #6.

Patrick #5 has disappeared and I'm scared.

But Chasten, I'm an interior designer.

Unless Patrick is lost

in a poorly laid-out great room,

I don't think I can help. I mean, why me?

Oh, simple, because you're a spy.

What? How do you

Honey, back in 2011,

all we did was go out,

b*tch about work

and slurp pitchers of Skinnygirl margs.

Once in a while, you blacked out.

I was supposed to be

saving the world. Pew pew!

But then I told my James Bond school

that I'm g*y and now I'm James Nobody!

I love you!

- Yeah, I was skipping dinner a lot.

- But you and I looked out for each other.

It's lonely for young gays

like Patrick now,

especially if what

they really wanna do is act.

- Thank God we never wanted that.

- Thank God.

I went to the WeHo sheriff,

but they're dragging their feet

and I don't know where else to turn.

Can you get them to take this seriously?

We're only as strong as our community.

If we don't have

each other's backs, who will?

Chasten, you're right.

We were all Patricks once.

What's the point of saving the world

if I can't help out in my own backyard?

This Patrick

will give you all our files.

Steve, if anyone can save

the better Patrick, it's you.

I know Gyenorvya was

an eye-opening experience for all of us.

It's always a lot for couples

when one gets kidnapped

and the other reveals they're a spy.

It's one of the most common reasons

for divorce. How are you two holding up?

When Pam was taken,

I felt just like when our dog, Blanche,

threw up on my road atlas. Totally lost.

Learning about Deb's real job

has been scary,

but I believe together,

two people can get through anything.

You got a partner, V?

Why the f*ck would you ask me

about my partner? What do you know?

I I just meant, are you single?

Uh, sorry, V. Pam's a child psychologist

and she just can't help but ask questions.

Well, today isn't about me.

You two are here because a civilian knows

about one of my agent's secret identity.

Deb, unless Pam can prove

the Agency can trust her, you're out.

Look, I'm not trying

to be overly hard on anyone.

I, too, know what it's like to get

a bombshell about your partner.

One that turns your life upside down.

Are you talking about us, or the person

in that photo you're holding?

You want to talk about it?

I'm no therapist,

but I feel like when people say stuff

while they're holding a photo,

it's usually about the photo.

Let's begin the testing!

- Another gin and diet tonic, no ice.

- Anthony?

Benji? Wow. Also, it's Antoni now.

Like the smart one on q*eer Eye.

Where have you been?

I haven't seen you forever.

- We're all worried about you.

- Don't be, I'm k*lling it.

Last night at 3:00 a.m., a stranger

gave me an audition for Skinny Justice,

so that job's basically mine.

Do you know Chasten Barkley?

Nah, I sneak in to stuff like this

for the drugs and silverware.

There you are. So sorry.

Chasten wanted some one-on-one time.

Oh, it's fine.

Steve, this is Antoni. He's an old friend.

Oh, my God! So great to meet

another one of Benji's friends.

Hey! Where'd all the silverware go?

Steve, nice to meet you.

Gotta run. I'm gonna mingle.

Well, don't go

in the pool, you'll rust!

I hope he's gonna be okay.

So how was the fabulous Mr. Barkley?

Oh, he asked me

to do some design work for him.

Even at a party,

you manage to find work to do.

You truly have a gift, Steve.

Well, it's Chasten's Moroccan tiles.

Turns out they aren't Moroccan.

So now his whole vision

for the foyer is at risk.

Oh. Wow, that's actually really serious.

Sinful child! I know it was you

who stole the monk's shrimp toast!

Stat! Glad you're here.

A fellow workaholic. Want to work a case?

Not really.

It's a pretty juicy one.

Missing person, distraught billionaire,

multiple boys with the same name, Patrick.

- Any chance of demonic possession?

- You tell me.

Ugh. Who compiled this?

Did your Nana print

a Bing search at the prison library?

How do you know my Nana's in

Can you please do your magic

and get me Patrick #5's digital footprint?

God will drop you

on the rocks, shattering you like a clam.

Uh, what are you watching?

It's called Cobblestones.

It's a Gyenorvyan soap opera.

It's only on the Christmas Internet

I'll never understand

the stuff you like, Stat.

Wait, look. The last text he sent.

"Meeting with a producer,

fingers crossed."

And then his GPS goes dark.

Once the sheriff's department sees this,

they'll have to open a case,

and I'll be a g*y hero.

Thanks for the intel, Stat.

Enjoy your stupid TV show

that I don't understand.

I would love to hear

about Cobblestones.

It's about this tight-knit town

where the Devil owns the only factory

and makes bad workers blind

and ghosts have sex with nuns.

Wow. Is your town tight-knit?

West Hollywood? It is filled

with g*y men who wear tight knits.

Maybe you could show me around.

Can't you download

satellite footage of it?

Yes,

but I want to see it with you.

Deb will k*ll me if I get 'Ru towed.

Let's see, "No quarter-hour parking

until half-past beginning

of permit parking permitted."

I think I'm good.

As you can see, Sheriff Globuchar,

this proves Chasten's assistant

Patrick was the victim of foul play.

Well, aren't you

just a concerned little citizen?

I just assumed the sheriff's department

would wanna know

when its citizens are in danger.

I'll add it to the pile, but no promises.

I mean, look at all these

parade float licenses I have to sign.

Isn't Patrick more important?

Look, I want to help,

but there's not a lot I can do

when your community preys on itself.

Patrick is probably just shacked up

with some rich sugar daddy.

But the evidence

Detective Gosch, would you be so kind

as to escort our frazzled friend here

from the building?

Unbelievable. I'm just trying to do

what's right. I'm a g*y Samaritan.

Hope to see you at Pride!

Free Citibank beads on me.

What? I read the signs!

Yeah, the city

makes them confusing on purpose.

Don't the police have

better things to do than tow cars?

That's business.

Parking tickets pay to keep the lights on.

Well, how am I supposed to get home?

Just install WeHo's

new scooter app, Scootloop.

g*y people get their first mile free.

Ugh, why does this app need my weight?

That seems rude.

Hey, handsome. My name is Toluca Lake.

Patrick was my roommate.

If you want to know

what really happened to him, hop in.

You must have sensed

the determination pouring out of me.

I'll take any lead I can get.

How'd you and Patrick meet?

In acting class.

He was looking for a roommate

and I was looking for someone

to pay to live in my crawl space.

It was perfect timing,

just like meeting you.

How did you know I'd be there?

WeHo is a small town.

That's why when we lose someone, it hurts.

- Do you think I should take Melrose?

- Aren't we going in circles?

Yes, just like me

and the sheriff's department.

I told them Patrick

was the third boy in my class

to go to a secret rave

and never come back.

A secret rave?

They didn't have those when I was younger.

Or maybe I just wasn't invited.

It changes locations every month,

and there are powerful producers there.

When you're desperate, you'll do anything.

Like when I did an episode

of Guy's Grocery Games.

I'm so sorry.

This is the last message

I have from Patrick. It's my only clue.

Oh, my God, he's dead?

No, he played "Dead Barista"

on Criminal Minds.

Turn it over.

Bay of Pigs?

Find that party and you find Patrick

and the missing boys.

All this darkness under the surface.

WeHo needs a good facial.

- When will I see you again?

- I don't know.

Because of an accident

with the meat slicer,

they say my episode

of Guy's Grocery Games may never air.

Pam, remember,

you can stop the test whenever you want,

and we can walk out of here. Screw my job.

You're sweet, but this looks fun.

Like a ropes course with stakes!

Begin.

That's one hell of a partner you've got.

Deb, promise me you'll never

take Caryn for granted. I mean, Pam!

Caryn? V, what in the heck

is going on with you?

You've been saying a lot of subtext today.

I wish I knew.

All right, bring out the jumper cables.

So this place is the home

of the pastrami taco

and where the actress who played Bambi

overdosed on dancing pills.

Her body was still dancing

days after and sh*t!

Ugh.

- f*cking traffic.

- Stat, is this better?

Whoa. Did you just do that?

Yes. Ever since you freed me

from the mine,

I have felt stronger, more myself.

Thank you for that gift.

Shut up, but also, like, thanks?

Uh, what else can you control? ATMs?

- Pigdick! God, I hate Scootloops!

- Maybe I can do something.

That's unusual.

I detect that the Scootloop app

has military-level encryption,

and the WeHo sheriff's department

controls it.

But cops already have cars, bikes,

and horses to ride and have sex with.

Why would they need to control scooters?

- Thanks for agreeing to meet.

- Obviously, I love Benji.

Also, you said I could order

whatever I want and didn't have to pay.

Can I also have 30 butters in a to-go bag?

- So, the reason I emailed

- Wait.

Do you, like, wanna film me

eating all this food?

It's fine, but you should

really throw me some money.

No. I just thought you'd maybe know

about the Bay of Pigs party?

Oh.

- For sure. I go every month.

- Do you know where it is this month?

No. I mean, they text out a location

a few hours before.

- I can let you know, as a favor to Benji.

- Thanks. You're a good guy, Antoni.

Hey, who stole our doorknobs?

Whoops. Gotta scoot.

- Damn. My free trial expired.

- Here. You can use my account.

It's done. The only thing

Maryweather's gonna be looking for now

are his hands and feet,

because he exploded.

The final test. Would Pam take a b*llet

to keep your secrets?

sh*t. I can't watch.

You! Administer the final test!

You passed! I love you, babe!

Ugh. I

I need some air.

Did you see V freeze up

when she went for the g*n?

What is up? She's like the menu

in a dark restaurant, hard to read.

Well, you know me. I always bring

my cheaters and a flashlight.

Mary, I'm positive.

If that Scootloop exploded,

it's because the sheriff wanted it to.

And it was under my name.

The sheriff wants me dead 'cause I'm close

to finding out about the missing boys.

Wait, does the Agency know about this?

Why are we even doing this mission?

We're the only ones who can help.

Isn't that why you joined the Agency?

To root out corruption?

To make the world a better place?

To save lives?

We have to answer the call of duty, Buck.

Answered the call of duty 15 minutes ago.

I'm duty-free, sister.

These abductions

are happening at the Bay of Pigs.

Ooh. I went to that once

when it was at the city dump.

Honey, it looked like the set from Cats.

And when I tell you

the girls were meowing

Our only lead for an invite is dead now.

f*ck! Benji's gonna be devastated.

- Oh, yeah!

- It's Antoni's phone.

"Bay of Pigs tonight

at the Mulholland Reservoir."

"The theme is Cops and Hoggers."

We need to infiltrate this party, guys,

and stop whoever's abducting

these vulnerable young gays.

My money's on the Church of Scientology.

They love an empty skull almost

as much as my giant hermit crabs do.

Well done, Pam, you're cleared.

Now What are you doing?

Why couldn't you reach for that g*n?

V, we can both see something

is eating away at you.

Trust me. Trust Pam.

Ever since I left the field, uh

I've been afraid to touch a weapon.

Post-traumatic stress disorder

is common in your line of work.

Sure, but this is something more,

like a mental block.

I'm missing important memories, too.

It's okay to be forgetful.

sh*t, if Pam doesn't

write something down

That's not it, damn it!

In Gyenorvya, the princess

asked about my old partner, Caryn.

But I have no memory of Caryn.

How can a partner just be erased?

In my experience as a therapist

and unlicensed masseuse,

people carry

stressful memories in their back.

Ain't that the truth. Before I met Pam,

I was five inches shorter.

I've developed a treatment

using spine walking

to release buried memories.

I call it chiromancy.

At this point,

I'll try anything. I'm ready.

Walk on me, Pamela.

It's bullshit

Stat didn't have to come but I did.

Stat can't swim.

She thinks swimming is fake.

Guys, look.

Those are real g*ns and real cops.

They're with the sheriff.

We're close. I'm texting Chasten.

- Hi, b*tch!

- Do you know them?

Mmm-hmm. From being g*y and small.

Oh, my God, Brandon? Brendan?

Oh, my God, it's happening.

They're being sucked into a tube.

- I'm going in, right?

- In your dreams, Thicc Van d*ke.

Buck, initiate

sausage distraction protocols.

Uh, gladly.

Soak it in, boys!

I'm a stunning icon in flight!

Amelia Earhart, eat your a*s out!

This is Skinny Justice, episode 193,

scene five, take one, action.

The time portal is closed.

We'll never save New Osmosis City.

Please. We've been filming

for three days straight. We need a break.

Well, how about you try the Writers Room?

No, not the Writers Room!

Please just k*ll me instead!

- Can you believe this, Twink?

- I know!

I'd be such a better time portal guy.

No! We're in international waters

because the WeHo sheriff is stealing gays

to make non-union superhero TV.

This must be the job Patrick #5 booked.

Hey! No phones on set!

You two are up next!

Read the prompter!

"Let me show you around Neptune base."

You know what? I'm sorry.

I can't build a character from nothing.

Just read it, Twink. Stall.

Wait, I recognize him. Cut!

Sheriff Globuchar. I knew it.

Well, if it isn't nosy Nancy.

- Congrats on booking Skinny Justice.

- It was you exploiting the community!

It's 2021. The one thing more precious

than drugs, oil or baby food?

Content. Welcome to

my streaming platform!

You're insane.

Quibi sounded insane, but now

it's the most successful company ever.

Is it so crazy to mine

WeHo's most valuable resource,

hot wannabe actors?

Take the most desperate ones,

pump 'em full of speed

and make 'em act 24/7 till they die?

Yes. That's crazy.

It's a small price to pay

to keep the city of WeHo safe.

It's a tax.

You even donated set decoration.

Subaru McLanahan!

There's no stopping

America's addiction to Peak TV.

We're done bingeing. Time to purge.

Hey, look how big that boat is!

Anybody over there like champagne?

Chasten! Oh, thank God for rich people.

I don't think this is work

Oh, my God! I remember Caryn!

I'm sorry, V.

This last one, it's so tight!

Let me try

Start wiping her.

If we wipe this deep, V won't

just forget her last mission with Caryn.

She'll forget Caryn entirely.

- Good.

- Wait!

Oh, my God. The AIA wiped my memory.

Dirk, you Clorox m*therf*cker!

Patrick! Oh, Chasten will be so happy.

Wait, Chasten sent you?

Yes, he was so worried. But now

you'll be back with him in no time.

Oh, God. Don't send me back there.

It's much worse.

At least here

I got to use my degree from NYU.

That's enough, Patrick.

Toluca? Wait, do you work for Chasten?

Do you know what your problem's

always been, Stevie? You're too trusting.

It's cute. Thanks for all the boys!

Come on. Honestly?

Chasten tricked me.

He wants those boys for something

and we just eliminated his competition.

I've never liked Chasten.

His company doesn't do free samples.

It's diabolical.

You know, Honestly? has been trying

to recruit me as a hacker for years.

Maybe it's time I respond.

Really? Yes, do it!

Thank God you're dark-web famous.

Hey, where's Mom? I mean Mom. I mean Deb.

V's debriefing her and Pam.

Those two almost lost everything.

We can't take the people

who matter to us for granted.

Poor, sweet, dumb Antoni,

blown up by a scooter.

- What a freak accident.

- Yeah.

Let's just hope there's meaning

to be found in his tragic demise.

Yeah, but there isn't.

It was just a crazy random accident.

We can't learn anything from it,

other than, I guess, life is random,

and death even more random?

Yeah. Random.

Wow.

Do you bring your friends here?

No. You're the first.

Oh. Doubt is

but grain for the Devil's millstone!

Shrimp Christ cursed us angels

to be formless.

But that I'm not in a body only means

I have more light to shine on you, child!

I like that angel, 'cause sometimes

I want to be a fleck of light

instead of stuck here in meatspace.

Yes, but I understand why the Nun

wishes she could see the spirit.

May I show you what I look like?

Whoa.

Hey, do you want to like

Yes. Yes, very much.

Take me over the moon ♪

Say if it's too much, too soon ♪

Alien cover girl vibing ♪

Step on your hand so you stay ♪

It's so convincing that way ♪

Ever look out from the island? ♪

I know it's so hard to hide in ♪