01x07 - Tarzana

[bunniefuu]

Team, I'm sorry.

It's my fault

Chunley has us all on this paperwork duty,

but look on the bright side. After this,

we're gonna be really good at paperwork.

I thought we'd get in way more trouble

for all that treasoning we did.

But I hate paperwork!

It's the whole reason I resigned from

my previous job as a fifth grade student.

I already have a million paper cuts.

I need another Band-Aid.

Here you go.

It's from my l*sbian icons first aid kit.

This one's Holland Taylor.

I've always wanted a l*sbian

wrapped around my finger.

Do you guys get it?

Sorry to leave you all alone

with Buck bleeding profusely,

but I have to go for a bit.

I stayed up all night doing my stack

so I could go with Benji to his friend

Antoni's funeral this weekend in Tarzana.

Lucky. I love funerals.

Perfect intersection

of corpses and cheese plates.

Should I have had one

for my dead girlfriend?

Maybe? Well, this will be tough,

since I am responsible

for Antoni's expl*si*n-based death.

But it might be nice

to get away for a bit.

Leave behind the chaos of WeHo and the AIA

for the simple life

of the San Fernando Valley.

Oh, fine. Leave me here to babysit.

But remember,

if V tries to contact you in any way,

you're under orders to report it

to Chunley immediately.

Much like your BO, V is in the wind.

I don't think anyone's ever

gonna hear from her again.

Also, don't you dare use "babysit"

in a pejorative way.

It's one of the hardest jobs on Earth.

Mary may be gone,

but we still got one traitor here.

I'm going to make you pay

for this sh*t assignment.

Agent Deb, I order you

to fill out my mission reports!

The f*ck did he just say to me?

Did he just delegate to me?

I'm the workflow king.

Permission to neuter him?

Permission pending,

but first I have a plan.

TikTok lip-sync? Way ahead of you.

I already turned my paperwork

into a freakum dress.

Should we do "Freakum Dress" or

I know it's just

over the hill from West Hollywood,

but the Valley is like

an entirely different world.

It's like real America out here.

During rush hour traffic,

it takes two hours,

so it's basically Nevada.

Anyway, thanks for coming, babe.

If you weren't here,

I'd be cry-belting Céline Dion right now

and weirdly, I've already gotten in

two car accidents that way.

Of course. I'm going to be the best

boyfriend ever this whole weekend.

I've been studying your family and friends

so I can make a great impression.

I can't believe you're in touch

with this many people from your childhood.

Tarzana's a small town,

just like where you grew up,

Mount Rushmore City, South Dakota.

Yes, that is where

I told you I was from, wasn't it?

Anyway, believe me,

you don't have to try so hard.

My family is gonna love you

just as much as I do.

Did you just say you love me?

Uh I guess I did.

But look, if you don't love me back,

then no, I didn't.

I love you, too.

Wow, look at us

taking big steps on the 101.

Yeah, I usually do

most of my lovin' on the 405.

I just hope we don't get pulled over

for excessive cuteness.

Man, I can't believe Antoni's gone.

I mean, I know you only met him once

but he was a

Boom, boom! Bisexual ghost!

I mean, we used to hang out all the time.

Oh, my God. I'm going crazy.

No, I'm just a figment

of your imagination, brought on by guilt.

Like in that Ethan Hawke movie, Hamlet.

k*lled in such a freak accident.

Oh, my God, he has no idea

it's all your fault that I'm dead.

Let's just hope he's not next.

Am I right, b*tch?

Aw! Danity Kane! Antoni's favorite.

I can't believe you remembered!

Uh-huh. Best boyfriend ever!

Hello.

Hi, sexy secret agent!

- It's Mira Popadopolous!

- The Princess of Gyenorvya?

That's what it says on my DUI.

I'm coming to Los Angeles for the weekend,

and call me Kylie Minogue because

I just can't get you out of my head.

We have to hang!

f*ck yeah!

It's actually a really good time.

I'm done dominating my colleagues

for the day.

Also, I I miss you.

Mmm, hot! See you soon, b*tch.

The game's afoot.

We'll show Buck that if you mess

with Q-Force, there will be repercussions.

He's going to feel like such an idiot

when the princess stands his a*s up.

Getting stood up is so humiliating,

I assume. Never experienced it.

This prank is the most punk thing

I've ever seen you do, Deb.

And that's including the time I dared you

to eat 200 Fig Newtons and you ate 250.

If my years in the Navy

and repeat viewings of Private Benjamin

have taught me anything,

it's that sometimes you need to take

a superior officer down a peg

with an elaborate prank.

And it always goes great.

Aw, I feel like

I haven't seen you in forever!

I know, last Tuesday feels

like ages ago to me, too.

And look, you cooked every food

I've ever mentioned!

Big, strong guy like you, Steve,

I bet you have quite an appetite.

I have to eat 6,000 calories a day,

or else my pecs deflate.

You must be special. Benji hasn't brought

a guy home since college,

and I'm still not convinced

Travis knew you two were dating.

Wow, Travis. Oh, God.

I haven't thought about him in years.

He's dating a woman now.

They live in Portland.

Grab something to nosh on already

and we'll take it to the patio.

John, you can't wait to show off.

You're gonna embarrass Benji.

How could a son be embarrassed

by his parents

being patio king and queen

of the San Fernando Valley?

And before you ask, yes,

that does make me the patio prince.

I know, you own Great Gazebo,

the Valley's top chain of

patio furniture

and supply stores!

Hey, this kid knows his stuff, Julie!

Imagine that.

Benji bragging about his parents

to a chic interior designer

like Steve Maryweather.

I know we're here for a funeral,

but this trip to your hometown is so nice.

Even the air out here is sweeter,

and don't tell me it's just because

there's an Equal factory down the street.

Hope you saved room for dessert.

I made these pies from scratch,

but I can throw them away if you're full.

This is too nice.

I'll cook dinner for the entire family

tomorrow night to pay you back.

Yeah, says the man with

a Postmates credit card. He doesn't cook.

You said your family loves Italian food.

I've been practicing the meatball recipe

from Lorraine Bracco's cookbook

for a week.

Ah! She was so good on Rizzoli and Isles!

Best boyfriend move ever.

Oh, Antoni would have loved you.

I hope he's looking down at us

at karaoke tonight.

It was his fave.

He could fit the whole mic in his mouth.

He was

quite a guy.

I can't believe my girlfriend had to die

to save this human shart,

but seeing his face get so, so sad

It's helping.

We'll give him another 15 minutes

of t*rture, then tell him he got pranked.

He'll be pissed but he'll respect us,

and then he'll do his own damn paperwork.

Twink, the plan is

Twink? Where'd he go?

Mira, I was starting to worry!

Your big naturals

are looking as lovely as ever.

Um, okay, romantic!

What are you doing? This was not the plan!

Your plan was cute,

but soft. I got bored.

I don't know about this.

Wait, there's something different

about you.

Uh, maybe

it's my new leave-in conditioner,

Purely Placenta. Not sure what's in it.

- No, there's something else.

- Oh, sh*t! He's onto us!

You're nervous

because you have a crush on me.

That's awesome.

Um, yeah, that's 100% it!

Okay, super spy! Jeez.

Wow, okay. He might be

dumb enough for this to work!

Stat, start researching

his likes and dislikes.

I'll organize a plan of attack.

Full speed ahead, Twink.

Unauthorized stage two

of operation "f*ck Buck Up" is a go.

Thanks!

Man, even the karaoke's better

in the Valley.

No one's trying to get discovered,

you know?

You already know you're way hotter

than any of Benji's exes, Steve.

Hey! Okay, fair.

But the time has come to prove your worth.

Karaoke for us. For Ant.

You can sing anything you want,

except for Sisqó's "Thong Song."

That was Antoni's song.

I already chose a song,

Meat Loaf's "I'd Do Anything for Love."

Dedicated to Benji, of course.

And I would do anything for love ♪

Damn! She's good!

I'd run right into hell and back ♪

I would do anything for love ♪

But I won't do that ♪

No, no, no, I won't do ♪

Will you raise me up?

Will you help me down? ♪

Will you get me right out

Of this godforsaken town? ♪

Will you make it all

A little less cold? ♪

I can do that!

Oh, now I can do that ♪

Will you cater to every fantasy I got? ♪

Will you hose me down with holy water

If I get too hot? ♪

Hot! Will you take me places

I've never known? ♪

Now I can do that ♪

Now I can do that ♪

- What are you doing here?

- I had to see you. I'm

Steve, do you know this woman?

Or is she one of those karaoke people?

'Cause I'll grab the big hook, lady.

Of course he knows me.

I'm Vivian, Steve's mom.

Why did you tell my boyfriend

and his friends that you're my mother?

It was either mother or lover,

and you're not my type, darling.

Where were you all this time?

The AIA is still after you.

I've been off the grid

with nothing but time to think,

and finally I realized something!

Mary, this is all a vast conspiracy!

I'm being set up!

V, you're freaking me out!

Right now, you've got what Stat would call

"big Alex Jones energy."

I'm not a cold-blooded k*ller!

I might not remember everything,

but I know who I am.

I'm being made to take the fall

for something bad!

Bad enough that the AIA

had to erase my memories of it!

We have less than 24 hours

to figure all this out.

I know how the Agency works. Now that

I'm back on the grid, they'll find me!

Okay, googly eyes.

How do you suggest we foil

a vast conspiracy in less than 24 hours?

Get the f*ck out of the Valley,

for one thing. Am I right?

But seriously, the key to unlocking

my memories is all in my back.

Pam introduced me to chiromancy,

releasing your spine

to free up suppressed memories.

You're the best shot I know.

For real? I'm flattered!

My final, most important memory

will be released

if you'll sh**t me

exactly here in the back.

What? I'm not gonna f*cking sh**t you

in the back, you lunatic!

You're on your own with all of this. Okay?

I refuse to let you bring any more chaos

to me and the gentle people of Tarzana.

You talk about this place

like its number one export isn't porno.

My boyfriend is mourning the loss

of someone who died in a hit meant for me.

People die! Circle of Life!

Stop making excuses!

I know you better than you know yourself,

and a mystery like this is catnip to you.

I'm under orders to report to Chunley

the second you resurface.

You'd never!

Then maybe you don't know me

as well as you think you do.

I'll give you a 20-minute head start.

- Ah! There you are. Mrs. Maryweather

- She was just leaving.

No, you can't leave! Steve just met

my parents and, well, you should, too.

Mrs. Maryweather, we've got

so much food at home and

Thank God! I'm f*cking starving!

And please, call me Vivian.

Follow Mommy. Good boy.

It's awesome that you chose a batting cage

for a date. Most chicks would never.

Well, I'm not most chicks.

I'm a guys' princess.

Wha

Oh! Ugh!

I'm bad! Help!

Ah, let me show you how it's done.

Ain't no man worth all that.

Jacqueline? If you can hear me

in computer hell, this one's for you.

The proper form f*ck!

Can we actually take it easy on his sack?

I'm low-key trying to keep that in play.

Move along to phase three.

We need food and alcohol in him

to lull him into

a false sense of security.

Wanna get something to eat?

Brr! I'm hungry.

You really are just like one of the guys,

but hot, like Jennifer Lawrence!

Really? Her? Still?

Now wipe your hand

on your dress.

But it's an Alaïa!

Be the fantasy!

I am so f*cking horny for you.

But in a weird way.

I think I'm horny for your personality.

Wow, Deb. For a l*sbian,

you are great at seducing straight men.

Straight men are just lesbians

with longer cargo shorts,

fewer skills and evil in their hearts.

Oh, Steve. Your mom is just fabulous.

She got up at dawn

and started cooking for the whole family!

Morning, honey.

Come give Mama-bear her morning hug.

We need to parley about Caryn!

Not now.

I'm trying to be the perfect boyfriend

and you're not making it easy.

Now sit down and eat.

I know breakfast is your favorite meal.

Breakfast is my favorite meal.

You are correct.

See? Mother knows you

better than anyone else.

Mother, didn't you say

you had to get going?

What? No. I mean,

you haven't even seen our patio furniture.

Then I'll just have to stick around.

You don't want Mommy

to be rude, do you, sweetheart?

You're pulling off Mom drag well enough,

but you yourself told me it would only

be 24 hours before the AIA finds you.

You need to go.

You two look so cute together.

I see where Steve gets his good looks.

f*ck, this is good.

Language, Stephen. Who raised you?

Your mom is amazing.

Look, if it's not too weird for you,

could I be her for Halloween?

I'll start shopping for straitjackets now.

Jesus! Do you ever stretch?

No, I don't, but that's not

why I'm so tense right now!

Oh, God, do you think that's

f*ck! Maybe I left a print somewhere.

I was so careful.

The house is compromised.

Um, are you literally about to get

a whole bunch of people k*lled

on my weekend? Rude b*tch!

Damn Murphy kid's playing

with his drone again.

When I was his age, I played with a stick.

Just a stick. And I felt lucky!

I'm freaking out! We're gonna get

Benji and his family k*lled!

It was a false alarm.

Just relax. Lotion up your mother.

I got a memory flash.

I just remembered

that Caryn hated white chocolate.

Maybe that's a clue!

Everyone hates white chocolate!

That's not a clue.

Well, maybe if you'd just sh**t me

I'm really, really considering it.

Don't answer it. Wait, was your phone

in your Speedo? How did you

Don't worry about it, Mother!

No, sir. I swear I haven't heard from her

or seen her or swam with her. Nothing.

I hope you're not lying to me.

You so much as hesitate and it's your a*s.

Which I know you need for sex.

What did he say?

Are they closing in on us?

V, you should probably go.

Yes, go and watch the video again!

Judging from this decor, they have

a VCR lying around here somewhere.

No one's ever seen

where Buck lives before.

Bet you five Bitcoins

there's a DiGiorno in the freezer.

What a cute place.

Eh, just a typical bachelor pad.

Twink, compliment him

and get on the couch.

No matter how crusty it is.

So many stuffed animals

Oh, yeah, those.

I barely notice them. Kids' stuff.

Not Boingo! Boingo lives on the couch.

Oh, okay.

Ask him if he won them at fairs.

Make him feel masculine and in charge.

Did you win these at the county fair

with your big, veiny arms?

Nah. It's a pretty basic story.

I was orphaned as a child,

and I went into the foster care system,

like most kids.

And it's really funny

but every set of foster parents I got

kept returning me to the agency.

Oh, my God. I mean

Oh, my God, that's horrible.

Just basic kid stuff. My foster parents

would give me a stuffed animal

to distract me when they took me back.

Happens to everybody.

Sorry. Uh, when I talk

about this stuff, my eyes water.

I think it's allergies.

That's the reason I've never really

been able to open up to people.

Not girlfriends, not friends.

Not even those weirdos on Q-Force.

We've gone too far. Abort mission!

Oh, Buck.

I have a gift for you. I'll be right back.

What the hell are you doing?

You can't hook up with Buck!

What am I supposed to do?

Not bang an orphan? He's, like, starving!

Get out of there!

And don't let this get any worse!

Mira Popadopolous,

I've been waiting all my life

to trust someone enough to do this.

I just sent an email

quitting my job at the AIA.

I want to live by your side

as the First Gentleman of Gyenorvya.

Will you marry me?

Oh, wow!

I know you're thinking it, too, so

I'll just say it. We should start a cult.

Do you need any help with dinner?

The soap's on fire.

Everything's fine! Normal cooking thing.

Benji, you have so much

to deal with. The funeral's tomorrow.

Just let me take care of you, okay?

Benji, your dad wants to see you.

Oh, okay. Hold that thought.

- What is that?

- Relax.

Mary, it's just a standard

sleeping powder I whipped up.

Once they're out, we can dig into

the conspiracy without interruption.

V, I really care about this guy!

You can't drug his family

like he's some guy I don't care about!

I already put some

in everybody's wine, just in case.

Good thing you chose an off-dry Riesling.

Lorraine Bracco told me to!

The wine's burnt! Don't drink it!

Well, it is 7:30. Almost our bedtime.

Have you gone crazy? Leave, now!

I already blew up my career for you.

I'm not blowing up my relationship, too!

Benji is the only light

I have in my life right now.

I would never intentionally try

to harm your relationship. I just

Says the woman with a bra

full of homemade sleeping pills!

- I apologize, Agent Maryweather. I'll go.

- Good!

Well, f*ck. I hope they like Quest bars

for dinner as much as I do.

Open casket for an expl*si*n victim

is a choice.

It's so Antoni, though.

Oh, f*ck, I'm gonna cry again,

and this stupid tie is suffocating me.

- Here. Let me help.

- Thanks.

It's nice to see so many familiar faces,

I guess, except for that guy.

I actually have no idea who he is,

but Antoni was close

with a lot of people from Craigslist.

sh*t. I'll be right back.

But the funeral's about to start.

I was just gonna press play

on Antoni's acting reel.

He'll be here any minute.

I got out of Buck's

as tastefully as I could last night,

but I seriously have no idea how we can

end this without breaking his heart.

What are we supposed to do, Deb?

Maybe you shouldn't have gone

Princess-rogue.

We have to tell him the truth.

I guess I have to. Hey, Buck!

Deb, did I get any phone calls

from a Gyenorvyan cell phone, maybe?

We gotta talk.

Mira! I was so worried when

No, Buck.

You didn't go on a date

with the princess yesterday. It was me.

These hips do lie and they lied to you,

Buck. Shakira, Shakira.

He's trying to say we pranked you.

So I didn't go on the best date of my life

with the one woman

who finally understood me?

Do you guys know if it's allergy season?

My eyes seem to be watering again.

How could you do this to me?

I'm so cool and sexy! f*ck!

Where's V?

Between U and W.

That's alphabet humor.

Sorry, it's a funeral. I'm nervous.

Uh, V was here, okay? But she's gone.

Nobody at the Agency's gonna believe that.

You already lied to Chunley

about seeing her yesterday.

Look, I didn't even want this assignment

since you're my best friend in the world.

What?

But my orders are to get V

and take you in, too, for helping her.

This is the AIA, not Spy Kids.

You don't get to have friends

in our line of work.

Actually, the Spy Kids

were siblings, not friends.

I've seen the movie!

Maybe seeing a g*n

to your boyfriend's head

will jog your memory of where V is.

Ow!

Antoni Brandt, reading for the part

of "Superhero's q*eer Best Friend."

"Girl, you? A superhero?

Not in that cape, Mama!"

This is the end, friend.

I remember. Greyscale.

I can't believe

I'm about to k*ll my best friend!

Caryn? Are you alive or am I dead?

Okay, but seriously, am I dead?

Boingo make it better? What do you want?

Buck, I'm sorry about pranking you.

We thought it would be innocent,

but naturally, you fell in love with me.

The thing is, you also opened up

and we saw a different side of you.

And minus the fact that no one got bred,

it was one of the best dates

I've ever been on.

Who cares? Get out.

Look, Stat intercepted

your letter of resignation,

so you still have a job with the Agency.

And here are the keys to the Q-Jet.

The GPS is programmed

for Reneé, Gyenorvya.

I thought you might wanna

go see the real princess,

and slam her down, f*ck style.

Is this another prank?

No, drag queen's honor.

I just hope these allergies chill out

before I get to Gyenorvya.

He is so big and so dumb.

And one day, I'm gonna top him.

- Hey!

- Benji

Are you okay?

Benji I can't do this.

What are you talking about? The funeral?

No, us. This.

I I feel like it's all too much.

I'm going to ruin your perfect life

with your family, your friends, Tarzana.

You're not!

Tarzana isn't as perfect as it seems.

Sure, the birds help you get dressed

in the morning if you sing to them,

but there's also smog.

Steve, think about it.

I can't be the boyfriend

you need me to be.

I'm going to put you in so much danger.

Emotional danger, that is.

I'm sorry, Benji. I'm so sorry.

Steve, what the hell is going on?

I mean, you just told me

you loved me, like, two days ago.

I don't get it.

I know. I I know.

Antoni Brandt reading for the part

of "g*y Barista Number Two."

"Gimme more damn whipped cream, Nikki,

'cause hunty, this mocha's a venti!"