01x10 - The Hole

[bunniefuu]

Sir, there's a call. It's for you.

For me? Hello?

Debra Winger

has been in enough movies.

I repeat,

Debra Winger has been in enough movies.

You. I know you people.

Wait. V?

In the flesh, baby.

- I was a spy.

- A great one, too.

I know it's a lot.

All these memories flooding back at once.

Sure, but how could anyone think

Debra Winger has been in enough movies?

That is what's really

freaking me out right now.

She was like a firework

in Rachel Getting Married.

It's a sentence no q*eer person

would ever hear or say in their lifetime

and the Agency's backdoor k*ll-code

to free people from Greyscale.

Greyscale. My God.

Welcome back to your real life.

As the producers of The Ranch

once asked Ms. Winger herself,

"Are you ready

for a very strange comeback?"

This frozen eggnog

is doing what it needs to do. Whoo!

We're almost at the palace.

T-minus however many seconds

it takes to rescue Buck

and recover everything

the princess stole from us at the Coeur.

That charming, fancy b*tch.

Oh, my G, the smell of sweat and trash.

I want to go to Pride.

I will have you know that shushing me

at Pride is a felony hate crime.

There'll be plenty

of World Prides after this.

I don't know about plenty.

We haven't saved the world yet,

but go off with your optimism.

Any word from V and Caryn?

None, comms are still down.

Uh, have you tried unplugging everything

and plugging it back in?

Usually works for my TiVo.

Sir.

The White House called again.

They wanna know what's going on.

Make something up.

Lie to the highest-ranking receptionist

in the country?

I never thought I'd see the day.

No one can find out

what happened at the Coeur.

Until our systems come back online,

Mary and his Merry Men

are the country's only line of defense.

V and Caryn have the k*ll-code

from the Greyscale file,

so hopefully they're gathering backup

and heading our way.

Wish we'd read the whole file

in Palm Springs.

That k*ll-code could have saved me five

big back-brace-shaped dents in the 'Ru.

Poor thing looks like

chewed up Juicy Fruit.

Time to Twink outside the box.

Mmm.

All right, freeze!

sh*t. The room's empty.

I wasted all that masculinity on nothing.

Not nothing. My little butthole went boop.

Okay, what's next for the mission?

I don't get it. Where's the princess

and Buck? But mostly the princess.

I don't know.

I hope she hasn't already started doing

whatever she's planning to do.

That stylish, enchanting psychopath.

I'm gonna hack her so good.

Someone's coming. Dainty shoes.

No, I said roses, not roses. You're fired.

Ugh, finally,

my help is here. You're late.

I'm paying you half.

Okay, he's literally a star.

Uh, yeah, hi. We're here to

Silence.

The Royal Proclamation is starting.

A Gyenorvyan Royal Proclamation!

This is like being

in an episode of Cobblestones

with better lighting and fewer snakes.

Happy fuh-reaking Pride to one and all,

but espesh to my beebees

celebrating here in Reneé.

Now, you're probably all wondering

who this f*ck-ton

of hard meat beside me is.

And what's with the Tin Man hat?

Shut up.

Who's he talking to like that?

'Cause I know it ain't me.

Well, that's what I'm here to announce.

sh**t, I'm totally gonna cry.

No, wait. I'm good.

b*tches, today is the day

every girlboss dreams of.

That's right. I'm getting married!

Married? To Buck? Ew, and why?

Uh-oh, this really is like Cobblestones.

I love my curvy wife.

Isn't he the best?

Well, he's all mine, boys.

# LoveisLove. #RoyalWedding.

You have to come.

After tonight, the name on

everybody's lips is gonna be Gyenorvya.

Well, that's it.

Awesome press conf. Peace out.

Okay, chop-chop. This wedding

is not going to decorate herself.

Of course not. We'll get right on it.

Okay, team, let's go tie-dye

some swans. Fancy wedding.

A wedding? What does this even mean?

And what is Buck thinking,

marrying the princess?

I can't believe after months

of constant undermining

and active displays of aggression,

he'd betray us like this.

I know how to figure this all out.

We need to watch Cobblestones right now.

Stat, we don't have time to watch TV,

even though we just learned something

really important from watching TV.

- But something bad's about to happen.

- I know.

Unless it's Oprah and Stedman,

there should be no straight weddings

happening at Pride.

There's more to it

than that. On Cobblestones

You will truly do anything to make us

watch that weird show with you.

It's not just a show, damn it.

Here in Gyenorvya, it's everything.

The truest depiction of real life,

their law, their religion.

Like Bachelor in Paradise is to Americans.

Exactly. Cobblestones did

a Royal Wedding episode,

but it's been scrubbed

from even the Christmas Internet.

It's harder to find

than the nipple cut of Cats.

If anyone can find it, you can.

Have you checked Quibi?

Tubi? Mubi? Vudu? Crimini? Lubey? Manolo?

On the show, The Museum of Television

and Radio is housed in the Royal Chapel.

I bet that it is in real life, too.

Okay, batshit soap opera that only

my most confusing co-worker watches,

time for you to save our asses.

Twink, hurry up.

Spending World Pride in a museum?

That's also a church?

What's next? You got a bunch

of math homework for me to do? f*ck!

Just stand guard, then.

If there's danger, shriek.

Okay, I take it all back.

This show is great.

It's like Passions

plus The Twilight Zone plus

Sister Act. Yeah, I've literally said

that sentence to you 800 times.

Ugh, this is taking too long.

Get to my favorite part

of any TV show already, the exposition.

Finally, the wedding part.

In Gyenorvya, a princess is

but a figurehead, no true power.

It is only upon getting married

that she becomes a husband-having queen

that may wield the authority

to raise taxes, declare w*r,

or use a knife at dinner.

Declare w*r? f*ck! How do we stop her?

The only way to stop

a Gyenorvyan Royal Wedding

is to blow the Horn of Objection.

I do love how he's just laying it all out

for us. Now that's entertainment, people.

And now a word from our sponsor,

Mistletoe brand maternity cigarettes.

For a holly jolly baby.

So she's only marrying Buck

to wield her power.

I mean, I know the princess is bad,

but it feels like the real enemy here

is the centuries of misogyny

that led us to this place.

A woman shouldn't need a man's permission

to become a homicidal dictator.

Uh, Mary, I recognize those tanks.

We recovered those at EuropeVision.

They're supposed to be at The Hole.

sh*t. So now the princess is armed

to the gills with munitions and AIA intel.

How do we get our hands on

the Horn of Objection?

Let's break into Cobblestones Studios

and steal the horn they used on the show.

I'm positive it's the real one.

They always use real horse carcasses

on the show and those are expensive.

Way better plan

than I was about to suggest.

No one has to rob a jewelry store

or decapitate a reindeer.

Deb and Twink, buy us some time.

The wedding's the culmination

of the Pride Parade, so slow it down.

Yay, we get to go to the parade.

Smoosh me, crowd!

Call me Wells Fargo

'cause I'm about to participate in Pride

for all the wrong reasons.

- Okay, Stat, which way to the studios?

- Down.

Down?

I have so much more respect

for Super Mario now. Pipes are tough.

A creepy city

underneath the real city.

I wonder if this is

where downtown Chicago got the idea.

I think we're close.

We just passed Ye Olde Halloween Store.

Well, if you're looking for where

all the spiderwebs live, I found 'em.

There! Holy f*ck-a-moly.

The mothership, Cobblestones Studios.

Security for the whole city

must be up at the parade.

Oh, my God.

Look, it's all the sets from the show.

There's the middle school

where Jesus got her period.

How the hell

is this prop warehouse organized?

Big to small? Rough to smooth? Wet to dry?

The Vicar's spittoon.

The Triplets' tap shoes.

Mary, I need a pic

with Mother Superior's beer stein,

but my arm's vibrating,

and it can't be blurry.

Get a hold of yourself.

I'll take two pictures

because I'm not a monster,

and I've never seen you happy

about anything before.

- But then we find that horn. Okay?

- Yes, okay. 100%.

The baker's mummy

from the musical episode.

Correct!

You are correct

to celebrate me. Continue it.

Huh?

Why am I on a cake?

Oh, my God. You're gonna eat me.

- Save me, g*y-guy spies!

- sh*t.

Uh, he's not really scared of me.

He's just got cold feet 'cause he's a boy.

But also watch the f*cking confetti, okay?

The second you slide

the ring on my finger,

your a*s has a hot date

with the bottom of a f*cking hole.

Do not humiliate me

at the launch of my country's new brand.

Oh! Oh, my God. Wait, hi, Mike.

Oh! Oh, my God. Wait, hi, Mike.

Oh! Oh, my God. Wait, hi, Mike.

Okay, the Mikes are out today, honey.

This place has more goblets

than Adam Lambert's dishwasher.

We're never gonna find

that Horn of Objection.

Finally, the horn section.

The Trumpet of Suffragettes.

Big Angelica's Shofar?

Ah-ha! The Horn of Objection. Yes!

"Authentic Horn of Objection."

Oh, God. Please work.

Also, please don't be full of spiders.

Yes! Stat, I found it.

- Stat?

- Coming.

Okay, one more picture. Please?

Coming through, people.

We need to catch up with the princess,

and these streets are worse

than Costco on a Sunday.

I know, but isn't it great?

Every g*y, l*sbian,

and media conglomerate is here.

You're telling me. We've gone ten feet

and I've already dodged two of my exes

and my broadband provider.

I can't even see

where the princess is, can you?

No, but according to that clack-clack fan,

GlaxoSmithKline is using

they/them pronouns now.

Wait, look.

The Euro Hamburger Mary's float.

WeHo's 29th sister club.

I can get a vantage point from up there.

Fear not, fellow drag queens.

I come in tucked-back p*nis.

Can I hitch a ride on your guys' float?

Whoo!

Thanks, girls!

I see them, Deb.

We gotta gain five blocks, and soon.

Let me at that chassis.

Let's see what this baby can do.

Wait. Oh, my God. Mike! Hi, b*tch!

Just follow the sounds of Pride overhead,

g*y arguments and Katy Perry remixes.

No, how?

Oh, sh*t, your ex-lover. Awkward.

Steve?

Ugh, f*ck, of course. This weekend sucks.

You truly have no idea.

Yeah, my friends dragged me to Pride.

It's so crowded and loud,

and now my hiding spot is full of you.

Hey, Banjo, where'd you get that hat?

It's actually Benji, and they're handing

them out to everyone at the parade.

We're supposed to put them on

for the wedding. They look so dumb. Look.

Princess strong.

We have to stan.

Um, Benji? You in there?

Fight for Princess.

He sounds all spaced out,

like Buck at that press conference.

Who was also wearing this exact hat. Wait.

Would you stop doing that?

- Mary, I think these hats are

- A mind-control device. I know.

And you're about to make eggs Benedict

out of my ex-boyfriend's frontal cortex.

There were plans for these

in the Greyscale file

but it said the Agency never made them.

They shut the program down,

but the princess has all their plans.

Die for Princess, if necessary.

Oh, my God, that's what she's up to.

She's gonna brainwash everyone at World

Pride using stolen Greyscale technology.

She's getting them

to fight for her, die for her.

She's amassing a big, g*y zombie army.

Okay, you're not gonna believe this,

but that was on Cobblestones, too.

What just happened?

Benji, listen to me. You need to run.

You're not safe in Gyenorvya.

Why are you always saying,

like, really ominous things to me?

What's your f*cking deal?

Just go. Don't follow us.

That sounded rude.

I'm sorry. You look really cute!

I got her up to 12 miles an hour.

Did you know these things are just

lawnmowers with decorations on them?

I didn't before, but now I do.

Deb, you're like my friend and my school.

There's the princess' float.

Her hair looks so good. Can you see?

Damn it, float.

Make like Pam on my back and step on it.

sh**t,

they're almost at the venue.

But something tells me a diva like her

isn't gonna start without a full house.

Deb, block the street.

I'm birthing a diversion.

I got you, sis.

Don't you know that there are

Wolves in the rivers ♪

Wolves in the rivers ♪

They go bite, bite, bite

No, yes, tonight, night, night ♪

Okay, I'm furious and inconsolable.

Where are my fans?

in the rivers

They go bite, bite, bite ♪

Someone's stealing my throng?

Guards, break up whatever that is.

This bride needs to zilla, now.

Princess, potty time.

No! Hold it.

No, I just got this song out of my head.

Deb, we got it.

Great. I'm ready to shut

this sh*t down, now. Twink, let's go.

But I can't leave

in the middle of a lip-sync.

If you die in a lip-sync,

you die in real life.

There!

Rabble-rousers, in our midst.

In our midst!

My God! The Horn of Objection?

Attack them! We need backup.

No!

You just stomped

your country's Mona Lisa, you dumb b*tch.

We're outnumbered,

and my go-to move isn't working.

Our nuts have been pre-cracked.

Oh, God, why don't I have a will?

I'm in a very high-risk job.

- V! And everyone else!

- We made it.

And did you know it's pronounced

"Budapesht," not "Budapest"?

Oh, wow, I actually love that.

Isn't it fabulous?

God, I've missed being in the field.

The princess is about to marry Buck

and use Greyscale technology

to brainwash the crowd.

She's mounting an army and we need

to stop her, but my fancy horn broke.

Understood. You know, I've always

suspected she had an evil side.

The only thing she'd eat

until age 23 was noodles with butter.

I should have seen all this coming.

Near the lakes

What are filled with prawns ♪

The wedding's starting. sh*t!

Wait, Twink,

are you thinking what I'm thinking?

How noses are literally so random?

Like, okay, ears that do smelling

No, dear, that's not what I was thinking.

And a big, big hole ♪

- A servant of Christ Europa

- For sure, stan Christ.

But can we get to the good sh*t, b*tch?

And let me see those hats, people.

Uh, yes, yes, very good. Um

With this ring,

I now endow the Royal Groom

with all the ruling authority in Gyenorvya

so that he may bless our new Queen

with the powers of

Stop! Stop the wedding!

Sorry, you cannot object

without the proper horn.

But that's not the real princess.

Oh, it's you f*ck.

Yes, it's us f*ck.

And we are here to say

that the princess is an imposter.

This is the real princess.

Wait, excuse me?

- Nuh-uh. Nuh-uh.

- Yeah-huh. Yeah-huh.

She locked me in a Rapunzel tower

and stole my big boyfriend.

I love you, baby. Don't marry a Hamburglar

when you can bang out the cow for free.

Buck hungry now.

Buck, you idiot.

You're gonna ruin everything.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Hey.

Princess nice.

Days of Our Lives could literally never.

- We did it. We foiled

- f*ck all of you.

This is what I get for trying to #resist

while still operating

within the patriarchy.

Well, your stupid Gyenorvyan rules

can kiss my a*s.

- What's that remote?

- It must control the hats.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm reclaiming my time for evil.

Everyone take off your hats!

Hi-yah!

- Oh, God, I told you not to come to

- Princess good.

Ow!

Okay, I kind of did deserve that

for dumping you at a funeral, but

Debra Winger has been in enough movies.

Okay, ow.

You give royalty a bad name.

Meghan Markle would never betray the gays.

Hey, it's okay. I

Benji!

So a different princess kidnapped me

from that island, and then you were where?

It's complicated, really.

The important thing is

I'm this close to your chest.

Wow, I like your voice right now.

Did you start smoking?

We just saved their lives

and they have no idea.

Is this how moms feel all the time?

Now this is my Pride.

I've never felt more proud in my life.

Wait, the name "Pride"

has to do with proudness?

I thought it was, like,

a shout-out to sexy lion families.

g*y people do love hot weather.

And scratchin' each other up.

Give me a high five!

You know, back in the garage,

you were always talking

about saving the world one day.

I got to say, I had my doubts.

But we did it. All of us.

We're one hell of a team, all right.

And, Mary,

you're one hell of a squad leader.

Hear, hear.

And an excellent photographer.

These pictures of me at Cobblestones

Studios are gonna make great tattoos.

Oh, Stat, you have such a beautiful smile.

It's such a shame

we're never, ever gonna see it again.

Now that we're married

and you're the King of Gyenorvya,

I gotta ask, how much money

do you have and can I have some?

I'm actually in a ton of credit card debt.

Also, we're getting divorced, immediately.

Ah, farts. AIA comms are back up again.

Holy!

Well, hello to you, too.

It obviously pains me a bit to say this,

but good job. You guys saved the day.

You were our only hope,

and you came through. I won't forget it.

Thank you, sir. That means a lot.

I always knew we could.

Well, don't get stuck up about it.

Besides, I looked up World Pride

and the things you people

Q-Force so good.

Believe in you.

All in a day's work.

Oh, and all the Agency data the princess

stole is safe and sound with us.

We'll totally send it your way ASAP.

That's not a lie.

I like Q-Force so much. Equality.

Thanks, Desk.

Make sure to get yourself a raise

before you take that hat off him.

What? It's not unethical

when I do it. He's a c*ck.

I owe you an apology.

No, V, you don't.

The chips were for everyone.

It's not that.

I held you back for so many years.

Sure, part of my brain was missing,

but it was still wrong.

After everything we've been through,

I just hope you know

how much you mean to me.

You will always be

the best of the best in my eyes.

V!

Oh, God.

I know. I know you deserve an explanation,

and I don't even really know

where to start, but

Why don't you just tell me

what the hell's going on with you?

I mean, who even are you?

I'm Mary.

Agent Mary.