03x03 - Chapter Twenty-Three

[bunniefuu]

It's been three weeks
since we got the spit from the perp,

and still no word.

If the spit doesn't work,
it's gonna be hard to swallow.

School might be over,
but this flatfoot's job is just beginning.

The block's hot, real hot.

And the stakes are even higher.

"Steaks." I'm hungry.

But there's no time to eat.

Not with Cuchillos on my back
and eyes on my front.

And then there's the dame
with the great gams.

She wants to meet up, but for what?

Upon what deviant dalliance
does this dame depend?

I can't get a read on her.

She wants to off me or turn me.

Either way, the speculation is t*rture.

Time to act.

Either way,

the speculation is t*rture.

Time to act.

sh*t, she has a g*n.

Probably a small one
'cause her coat looks tight.

- What?
- Nothing.

What do you want from me?

I told you I have nothing
to do with the Prophet$!

What are you talking about?

Don't act like you don't know.

You've been stalking me,
blowing up my phone.

Explain that!

I like you.

What's not to like?

Hello?

Hello?

I gotta go. You're kissing me.

Previously on Monse...

Monse didn't know if she was into Cesar
or on the outs,

but either way, it was annoying.

What will she do?

Put down her phone
or continue being lame as hell?

Sorry. Just want to make sure he's okay
on the home front.

So he's got daddy issues,
and you have mommy issues,

but if you don't stay away,
you're gonna have baby issues.

Girl, don't you remember he betrayed you?

Yes, I remember.

You're right. Cesar wasn't there for me
when I was dealing with my mom,

but that doesn't mean
I should act the same way.

If I did, I'd be a hypocrite,
and I don't wanna be.

I wanna do the right thing.

I see, so you can shove it in his face
that you're the bigger person?

No, because we're friends,
and that's what friends do.

I don't know.
This feels more like girlfriend territory.

No. No, it still falls in the friend zone.

And you invited him to the pool?

Skins out, sins out!

Girl, you are talking one game,
but playing another,

and I don't want to see you get burned.

Agh. Dude, what is that smell?

Chicken.

- Don't look at me.
- Look, he's been gone 12 years.

- I just want a chance to get to know him.
- Then you can clean up after him.

I've got bigger things to worry about.
Block's been quiet.

Hey, where you going?

Duh. The pool. It's open.

I'm coming with.

After you clean up that nasty-a*s chicken.

Enjoy the chicken sandwich.

You know, I think we'd sell
more sandwiches if we put up a sign.

We don't have a permit.

Plus, it helps with demand
if we keep it underground.

It's a pop-up.

And we may only be poppin'
for a couple more weeks,

'cause before we know it,
Chivo's results will be back in,

and we'll be back on the Lil' Ricky train.

- My parents need this money.
- Don't even stress.

- We're gonna get that RollerWorld green.
- If we find Lil' Ricky.

What if we don't?

Jamal!

Sorry!

I got less than an hour of sleep
last night.

Yeah, I was up all night worrying, too.

I wasn't worrying,
but I definitely wasn't sleeping.

I had to get up at the butt crack

so I could cook all the chicken
before Dwayne's opened.

Don't you wanna know
why I was up all night?

I'll give you a hint: it gave me a b*ner.

Agh! Jamal!

I don't want to hear about
the shaved Bigfoot video again.

No! I was making out.

And there was also some dry-humping.

Okay, there was a lot of dry-humping.

I'm super chafed right now,
but I'm not complaining.

I don't believe you.
You didn't dry-hump anyone.

Yes, I did.

- Kendra.
- The Prophet?

I don't think she's a Prophet.

Then why else would she be
making out with you?

She's obviously hooking up with you
for info.

No, she's hooking up with me to...

My God. Do you think
she's hooking up with me to get info?

My God. What if she drugs me
with Benadryl and I like it?

You know that's a gateway drug.

I'll be on Skid Row, and then my parents
will drop me off sandwiches.

And then... My God!

I'm gonna get addicted to Xanax.

Can I get some of that on my back?

I got it.

I'm hittin' the pool.

Do a cannonball!

Or don't.
No, don't do that. It's so stupid.

All right!

Time to deep-d*ck dive!

You know?
'Cause I can see up their shorts?

Why didn't you tell me he was coming?

Did I need to?

No.

It's a community pool, so they gotta let
whatever trash blows in off the street.

Oscar has
a lot on his plate right now.

I'm not the only one dealing with our dad.

How's that going?

Not great.

They can't be in the same room together,

which puts me in a weird position,
because I want to get to know my dad.

But I also feel like
I'm somehow betraying Oscar.

Did he say that?

No.

But he doesn't have to.

That's so selfish.

If your dad sucks, he sucks.

My dad, despite what he felt about my mom,
at least let me get to know her.

Of course,
Oscar can't see anything but himself.

I'm sorry.

He's not even worth talking about.

- Chicken sandwich?
- Keep walking.

- Cesar?
- He's good!

So, is Monse still mad at us
because we didn't take sides,

or we didn't believe
she was leaving?

I don't know. It's too hard to keep track.

Chicken sandwich!

We got cheese, no cheese, lettuce wrap.

Hey, do you have anything vegetarian?

Yeah.

This is faux chicken.

Thank you.

We don't have any faux chicken.

Faux sho.

- I see what you did there. Nice!
- Yeah.

Gotta keep up the sales.

I could use some of that smooth.
It's been seven hours

since I hooked up with Kendra,
and she still didn't get back to me.

So, text her.

I did, and then I didn't hear from her,
so I texted her again.

Double-texted her? Jamal, rookie move!

- Don't send any more texts.
- Okay. For sure.

Hypothetically speaking,
what if I did already?

- Jamal, how many times did you text her?
- Do voice texts count?

Voice texts? You never lead with audio!
It's far too divisive.

No. What about emojis?

GIFs? Screenshots?

Jesus, Jamal.
What did you send her a screenshot of?

My texts,
to make sure she was getting them!

How many times did you make contact?

Five.

Six.

Seventeen.

Thirty-four!

- Did you just send another text?
- Butt dial?

Stop eating the sandwiches!
We're gonna run out.

Five sandwiches.

- Sorry, we're out.
- But we're pre-selling.

Give us 30 minutes,
and we'll come find you.

But Dwayne's joint is now open.
We can't cook there.

We'll figure it out.

I'm going to the store
and taking your phone with me.

When I come back, I'm gonna bring
some booty and some boundaries.

We need another dozen!

I'm cooking as fast as I can!

You're running behind! Chop-chop!

Don't "chop-chop" me!
I'm working with what I got!

Had to move twice.

First, some guy parked on my grill,
and then the shade keeps coming in.

Which, speaking of,
help me move the grill.

These need to be sanitized.
They're covered in dirt.

It's not dirt.

It's a special barbecue rub.

Are you sure it's okay
that we're not using a real grill?

So what? The chicken's a little janky.

Jamal, we need this money.

And you know what they say:

"Desperate times call for...

street chicken."

Right. Yeah.

I mean, people love farm-to-table.
Why not street-to-table?

Exactly!

Marco!

Marco!

Polo.

Marco!

Marco!

Marco! Marco!

What you want with my man Marco?

Be careful.

Is it just me,
or is everybody getting sick?

Yeah. I just saw some girl
projectile vomit all over her boyfriend.

- Maybe she's day drinking.
- I'm coming!

We have to get him to urgent care!
It's coming out both ends!

I've got a towel.

He must've swam too soon after eating.

- Can I get one?
- Or heatstroke.

Thanks.

Pool water.

My mom always says,
"Never drink that pool water.

They don't drain that pool."

Like, year after year, it just gets filled

with a hot mix of bodily fluids
and toxic rainwater,

and instead of cleaning it,
they just cover it up with toxic chlorine.

It's like they don't even care
if people get sick.

You know what these people need?

A chicken sandwich.

I was actually thinking about going
to Summer Night Lights, too.

Well, if you're going and I'm going,

then why don't we make a plan
to not make a plan to meet up tonight?

Sounds like a non-plan.

Or a date.

Can you put some sunscreen on my back?

What?

What is that? What's on my back?

Ew! It's so warm!

What is it?

It's in the pool!

Everyone, please vacate
the pool! Vacate the pool now!

sh*t!My God!This is crazy.

Three hundred dollars.Nice!

All right. Let's say we get three weeks
before Chivo's DNA results come back.

We can totally make our goal.

Hello!

Did you not see the text?

Kendra wants to meet up!
Do you know what this means?

Yeah, that she's a Prophet.

No!Are you emoji illiterate?

- Eggplant plus doughnut equals--
- Jamal!

No normal girl would respond to 34 texts.

- Thirty-seven.
- Hey, hey! I want my money back.

My wife can't stop throwing up,
and there was a rock on my sandwich!

Sir! It was a farm pebble,

organic and locally-sourced.

Okay, fine.

Let's just say, for argument's sake,
you are right and Kendra is a Prophet.

Isn't that even more reason to meet up?
Think of all the intel I could get!

- There was a feather in my sandwich.
- That's just how fresh our chicken is.

A pigeon feather?

Jamal, I am handling
all customer feedback.

Fine. And Ruby, you know what?
I've thought about it, and you're right.

Yes. Thank you.

Kendra is a Prophet...

which is exactly why
I have to meet up with her!

Turner can turn her.

Turner, out!

Jamal! Wait!

You said you were in charge
of customer feedback!

I swear to God, I think I saw
an entire churro on your back.

I'm gonna go get us some drinks.

I'll take a Corona,

but I won't need a lime.
I'm gonna grab one out of your hair.

Ha ha.

It's really not that funny.

I'll be back.

Hey, you sure?



Too public.

So, um, how long is Oscar gonna hang out?

I mean, not that I mind. I just...

Okay, I do mind,
but I'm trying my best not to.

Although, you gotta admit,

when he's around,
sh*t does seem to go down.

Monse! He's my brother.

And if you don't want to hang out,
then maybe this planned non-plan

isn't such a good idea after all.

Look, I have enough drama
to deal with at home.

Are you calling me "drama"?

Because if you're implying that,
then I'm--

Okay.

Sorry.

I'll stop, and just...

Look, if hanging out with you
also means hanging out with Oscar,

then I guess I'll just have to make do.

Thank you.

Slushies?

Nah, girl. Forties.

- I got 'em from the paletero.
- You showed 'em your boob?

No. My third nipple,
which isn't even that big of a deal

because it's inside my belly button.

I got an outie inside my innie.

Cesar!

Eighty-six the forties!

With the Prophet$ out of the
picture, we're gonna take over Jefferson.

And we won't say sh*t 'bout the way you've
handled business on the South Side.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Why would I give up Jefferson?

We're not asking you to give it up.

We're asking you to make a deal...

or we take it.

- I didn't take a thing!
- Don't lie to me.

- I can't believe that you sold them!
- I didn't sell anything!

But did Cousin Chewie sell something?

I vaguely remember he got arrested.

Was it for illegally selling hot dogs
outside Dodger Stadium?

It was The Forum.

Right.

But you can't get arrested
for selling hot dogs, right?

You can if they make people sick.

And he didn't just get arrested.
He went to jail.

But it wasn't his fault.
He didn't know the meat was bad.

Or he claims he didn't know.

Just like you claim not to know where
our most expensive wedding gift went!

Like brother, like brother!

He doesn't get to leave! I get to leave!

- How many sandwiches did we sell?
- I don't know.

Fifty? Sixty?

sh*t!

That could be like 50 or 60 counts
of involuntary manslaughter.

Manslaughter? Who died?

I don't know! Maybe everyone!

Or maybe no one!

But we can still be facing a class-action
lawsuit, from just one family.

Should I bring a head massager?

And do I have to provide my own pillow?

You're right.
Maybe I should ixnay everything

that could potentially be used
to smother me.

Jamal! This is serious!

sh*t! Why did I cancel Ruby's
Fancy Festivities liability insurance?

Calm down.

I had, like,
five sandwiches and I'm totally fine.

Really?

Yes, really!

Manischewitz wine, should I bring it?

I mean, it's not ideal,

but yeah, it does go down easy
and loosens up my lips.

You know what?

No Manischewitz.

I want to be alert, clear-headed.

Hey, do you think she's gonna hump me in?

Like, you can get "jumped" into a g*ng,

but can you get "humped" in?

Jamal, I'm not even gonna dignify that
with a response.

Hold on, Abuelita's beeping in.

What?

- Sorry.
- All right. What was I saying?

I gotta go.

You think our man's gonna get it in?

I'm not getting in enough overtime.

Between my ex-wife's alimony
and my new wife's everything--

You try to take care of people,
do the right thing,

and then they're getting a boob job,
maxing out your credit card!

I don't want to be rude,
but is there a point to any of this?

Yes!

My point is, you need to be careful.

I had no idea what I was getting into,
working for Cuchillos.

Up against the wall!Spread 'em!

I'm sorry.I'm so sorry.

Be careful.

I don't know what business you have
with Cuchillos, and I don't wanna know.

But you don't get where she is
without having bodies on you.

Okay. Okay, you convinced me.

You should be there for Cesar.

But if you're gonna be there,
you should get something out of it.

And I'm talking about d*ck!

I'm listening.

Girl, put his a*s on yard duty.

And make him mow that lawn!

You gotta get the hippity-dippity,
because that's what it's all about!

Girl, put out a life insurance policy
so you can m*rder that "D"!

You right!

I just ran into Dwayne. He wants me
to go help my dad at the joint.

I know we had a planned non-plan, but...

can I rain-check?

- It's fine. No problem.
- Thank you.

God, I'm stressed.

Me too.

- What are you looking at?
- Dicks.

I'm just kidding.

I don't do that at the dinner table.

I don't understand why
all the good knives only come in sets.

- I'm goin' out for a while.
- How long's a while?

I don't know. It could be all night.

No.

Nope.

Not you.

Yeah. Okay.

I'm feeling you.

Now...

I'm feeling me.

Agh.

Pizza!

Is that the 12-inch, thick crust,
meat lover's delight?

What the hell is that?

It's the Lunch Money Challenge, yo!

- ["Lunch Money" song playing]
- Work it, girl!

Work that now, good girl!

Where's Cesar?

He went to go help Ray.

All right.

- Well, I'm bouncing.
- Bye.

Bye.

Get it, girl.

- How are you guys getting home?
- Someone'll drive us.

Especially when I have a wardrobe
malfunction of the third nipple kind.

A third nipple kind!

My God. Are you okay?

Never been better.

I just need to say one thing:

I'm not really good with conflict.

I can use nunchucks and ninja stars,
but I'm not a g*n guy,

and green's not my best color.

Jamal, for the last time,
I'm not a Prophet.

You're already wearing a condom?

Always be prepared.

- Are you okay?
- My God. I'm so sorry.

I'm not usually so...

prompt.

I mean, when I'm at home
in a controlled setting--

Okay...

full disclosure...

this was my first time.

Me too.

But don't worry,
we'll do better next time.

- Sure you don't want me to drop you off?
- No. I don't need any favors from you.

You've had too much to drink.

No! I've had too much bullshit.

You and your bullshit.
Everything is always about you!

- Hey, take it easy!
- Don't tell me how to take it!

- Go home. You're drunk.
- You just want me to go home

so I don't say the things
that I have to say.

But I have things to say,
and I'm not going home until I say 'em.

So, do you ever think about Cesar
and how you're ruining his life?

You got screwed,
and now you're screwing him up.

"'Cause I got to follow
the rules of the streets.

Look at me and my muscles.

I got a dumb teardrop tattoo,
but I don't cry 'cause I'm a big man."

Toxic masculinity. Look it up!

You done?

You know what?

Everything bad that has happened
is because of you.

You jumped Cesar into a g*ng,
you tasked him to k*ll Latrelle,

and now, because of that,
because of you, Olivia is dead,

and Ruby will never be the same!

You masterminded taking down the Prophet$,
and we got kidnapped!

Now, we have to find someone who is
impossible to find, and if we don't...

I don't know what's gonna happen, but
whatever it is, it'll be because of you!

- It's my mom.
- Lady in Brentwood?

Cesar told me how it all went down.

Pretty messed up.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was.

And, you know, even after all of that,
I still reached out.

I sent her a letter,
but she never wrote me back.

Now she's calling. I don't get it.

I know why.

It's for her, not for you.

She just wants to clear her conscience.

She disappears, comes back,

and just expects you to welcome her
with open arms?

Now she wants to be a parent?

Seems like a hell of a lot easier when
you don't actually have to raise a child.

Screw that.

If I were you...
I wouldn't call that b*tch back.

I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.

You're right. She doesn't deserve it.

She's dead to me.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

This never happened.

Hello?

What the hell?

Hello?

Hola, Ruben. Do you know who this is?

- Yes.
- I am many things...

but a patient woman, I am not.

Why are you calling me?

Because, Ruben, you've tasted death,

so you understand what happens
when you disappoint someone like me.

You understand what the consequences are.

And they don't just land on you.

They land on everyone you love.

Maybe it's Mario or your abuelita.

The choice is yours.

Where did all the knives go?

Dammit!