Earthquake: Joke Telling Business (2025)

[bunniefuu]

When I got out the military,

they said Atlanta is

the mecca for Black people.

But when I got up here,

they only had three hustles.

ill*gal pharmaceuticals,

stripping, and the music business.

I wasn't in none of those.

So I went on and opened my own comedy club

and been in

the joke-telling business ever since.

Atlanta! Atlanta!

g*dd*mn it. g*dd*mn it.

I love Atlanta. This is where I started.

g*dd*mn it. This is my comedy home.

g*dd*mn right, this is my comedy home.

I live in LA right now.

Yeah, that m*therf*cker was on fire.

Everything was burning.

My boys called me and said,

"Quake, did you lose your house?"

I said, "Not to the fire."

Divorce took my g*dd*mn house.

I can still see that m*therf*cker.

I was praying to God,

"Burn that m*therf*cker down, God."

Give me the justice

that the courts refuse to do.

I was in Portland, man,

and I go to Portland...

and when I go to Portland, I'm surprised

because I have never seen so many

struggling white people in my life.

Just laying homeless on the ground,

just like it's sofas

or they're at the Ritz-Carlton.

I'm just stepping over them. Look at God.

I thought it just was us.

It was like New Jack City, man.

I'm telling you, the car,

but they was all on drugs

and just good white folks.

You could just tell

they had mothers and fathers and dreams.

One white homeless dude came, and said,

"Brother, can you spare a dollar?"

I said, "Absolutely not."

"You white, for cryin' sakes."

Shake it off.

Pull yourself up from your bootstrap.

All you need is a shower and a suit,

and you'll be my supervisor by tomorrow.

These ain't jokes.

I'm telling you that's how it is, man,

but it's getting rough out here.

Chick came to me the other day and said,

"Quake, I'll suck your d*ck

for a dozen eggs."

I said, "What you do for two?"

I get mine from Costco.

They give you three dozen.

I give you two

for that thing-a-thing thing.

Man, she sucked my d*ck

and ate my groceries.

I'm selling chickens now.

Anytime she comes over,

you gonna get some chicken from me.

These ain't jokes.

I've seen a homeless dude

with a girlfriend.

Then I start thinking,

"You're a bad m*therf*cker."

"You had a b*tch that lives with you

underneath the bridge."

You are slinging some d*ck.

You know how good your d*ck gotta be for

a b*tch to live with you outside? n*gga...

You got that mm, mm, mm.

You got that one-hitter quitter,

that b*tch gotta get her.

That's an outstanding d*ck.

And she was faithful, she was devoted.

'Cause it was raining outside.

She was mopping up

the m*therf*cking corner,

keeping the water

from going underneath the tent and sh*t.

I said, "What kind of d*ck do he got?"

She was under the bridge, dusting it.

Had pictures of her begging for food.

I said, "What kind of d*ck does he got?"

Two days later, I came outside.

She was on the corner

by her damn self with a sign,

so I immediately thought

that they had broke up.

Till I looked at the sign.

The sign said, "We will work for food."

That's when I knew

they were still together.

I started looking for him

to see where he was at.

This m*therf*cker was

underneath the tree taking a nap

while his woman was on the corner

begging for g*dd*mn food and money.

I couldn't take it no more.

I stopped my car, went over there,

woke that m*therf*cker up and said,

"Pull your pants down.

Let me see what you got."

"I need to see

what kind of d*ck you need to sling

to get this kind of effort

out of a woman."

I bought my wife a house and a car,

and I can't get this b*tch

to fix me a sandwich.

So who the real hoe in these streets?

You come home late at night,

drunk as sh*t.

"Baby, can you fix me something to eat?"

"Well, I had a long day."

But this n*gga got his b*tch

cleaning up outside now.

I don't ask for much,

but you gotta outwork a homeless b*tch.

Now get your a*s up

and fix me something to eat

before I take you outside

and put her a*s inside.

These ain't jokes.

We got a new president now.

He ain't playing.

You know who he is?

Mr. Charlie.

White boy hatcher.

And he ain't playing at all, m*therf*cker.

He is not playing.

Where my Latinos at?

Damn, only two?

Trump done threw

your a*s out of here quick.

I'll say this from the bottom of my heart.

I think I speak for all Black people.

Good luck.

That white man looking for you.

You're hot right now.

Split up.

This ain't the time to be riding six,

seven deep in a pickup truck.

He gonna throw your a*s up out of here.

You don't know this white man like I do.

Stay away from Home Depot.

Don't pick up no lawn mower.

Don't move no refrigerator.

Don't you do none of that sh*t.

That white man looking for you.

And don't sell no fruit

on the side of the road.

He know g*dd*mn well you don't get

all that fruit for five dollars.

And sell American food.

Don't f*ck with no tacos,

enchiladas, none of that sh*t.

And if you gonna sell American food,

make sure your a*s know

the condiments that go on it.

Mayonnaise don't go on corn on the cob.

Butter, salt, and pepper.

These ain't jokes.

I'm just trying to keep they a*s in here.

And Black people, y'all better not laugh.

This is a test run for our a*s.

We next.

I ain't lying to you. We f*cking next.

You gonna go see your boy.

"Where Tyrone at?"

"Man, Trump done sent that n*gga

to Nicaragua."

He said, "All real n*gg*s

gotta go to Nicaragua."

If you a real n*gga,

you going to Nicaragua.

He ain't f*ck with me, yo.

I'm African American.

Trump a bad m*therf*cker, dawg.

These ain't jokes.

Hey, listen.

I thought Kamala was gonna win.

I support Black women.

I was so confident, n*gga.

I fell asleep on the election.

Woke up the next morning

and looked at the map.

I said, "Who shot America?"

Did she win any votes?

Did you count my vote?

What happened to the AKAs, and...

And the Deltas and the... the Swifties,

and the Beyhives, and the Mad Bunnies,

and the women's right to vote?

What happened to them m*therf*ckers?

Trump whooped all they a*s.

Whooped all they a*s.

But you know what... know what I learned

watching that election?

I learned one g*dd*mn thing.

There's no such thing as

an unqualified white man.

His pigmentation is his qualification.

Because Trump had 34 felonies,

and he still became

President of the United States.

I know R. Kelly in jail

madder than a m*therf*cker.

"I only have four

and you won't let a n*gga sing a song."

"He can be president,

but I can't drop an album?"

"I gotta sing through a collect call."

We gotta get R. Kelly back home.

We got to get R home.

R got to come home.

But he's coming home

because they got Puffy now.

You know the rule, n*gga.

One n*gga in, one n*gga out.

g*dd*mn Puffy. Got his a*s.

That sexual as*ault is, damn...

They're trying to get Smokey.

I'm so glad

my mama ain't allowed to see this sh*t.

She'd be in court every day.

"That's not my Smokey."

"Look at his eyes."

"He don't have to take no p*ssy.

Look at that Smokey."

I do a lot of g*dd*mn interviews,

you know,

because all these people coming back

making these accusations.

One dude came to me.

The reporter said, "Quake,

do you feel any women in your past

gonna come back

and say that you took advantage of them

or something?"

I said, "Hell nah."

He said, "Damn, you said

that sh*t with confidence."

I said, "I'm very confident."

He said, "Why are you confident?"

I'm confident

because I paid for all my p*ssy.

Every piece of it.

I earned every p*ssy.

I ain't never got no free p*ssy.

I had to walk them home from school.

I had to do all that sh*t.

Help them with their homework,

raise another man's child.

I earned all my p*ssy.

These ain't jokes.

When I read the indictment,

sexual as*ault and sexual trafficking,

that's the one that got me.

It said, "Sex trafficking means

you went to another state to have sex."

I'm like, "Oh sh*t."

"I'm a sex trafficker."

I've been sex trafficking all my life.

I got to turn myself in.

These ain't jokes.

I could never go over

to another woman's house in another state

that wasn't my woman

and sleep over at her house.

I don't do away games.

Home field advantage or neutral site.

Ain't no way I could ever do that sh*t.

All you men, sit down there

and go stay over at another woman's house,

sleeping, and it ain't your woman,

you got nuts.

f*ck around and fall asleep,

her last boyfriend got a key,

come in that m*therf*cker,

hit you in the head.

Now you woke up

with your d*ck out fighting them.

Come on, let me put my d*ck back here.

You got some drawers?

Let me put my drawers on.

You sitting there wrestling

with your d*ck on his thigh.

You be like, "Come on, man,

let me take my d*ck off your thigh."

These ain't jokes.

It's hard out here in these streets,

but they're attacking Black fathers now.

They are.

Look what they did

to my boy Deion Sanders.

All he tried to do

was get his son a better draft choice.

They got so m*therf*cking mad

that what they do,

dropped that boy all the way down.

He was waiting so long to get drafted.

n*gga, they drafted me first.

But the one that broke my heart

more than anything, LeBron James.

People talking sh*t,

especially in our own community.

"Only reason Bronny is on the Lakers is

because of who his father is."

You're g*dd*mn right.

That shows you what type of father he is

and also how great of a player he is.

He got him on the Lakers.

One of the most historic

f*cking franchises out.

Ain't like he got him on the Pelicans.

n*gga, that's an achievement.

And if you think that sh*t's easy,

I'll tell you right now,

m*therf*cker, go home and go to your job

and see if they'd hire your f*cking son.

Your supervisor look you in the face,

"n*gga, we don't even want you."

"Think we gonna bring

another sorry m*therf*cker in here

like your sorry a*s?"

I love being a father, Black father.

My son around here right now.

Best day, when I see him...

made me the happiest

is when he graduated from college.

When I seen him

walk across that stage, I cried.

I was like, "Yeah, that's my son."

People were like, "You so proud of him."

I'm like, "f*ck that. I ain't proud

of him. I'm proud of myself."

No more tuition. This n*gga is over.

When he walked across that stage,

I was like, "Look at that budget cut."

I paid for all that tuition

and everything.

Now he on his own.

So I asked my son, I said,

"Son, now that you done graduated,

what do you wanna be?"

He go and look me in the face and said,

"Daddy, I think I'mma stay in school

and get my masters."

I looked him in the face and said,

"Nah, n*gga, I think you've done enough."

"You exceeded my expectations."

"You just showing out now, n*gga."

"Time for you to come on out of there.

Time to get a job, m*therf*cker.

f*ck that."

Come on out here so AI can take your job.

These ain't jokes.

Scariest day ever

while my son was in school,

he had an active sh**ter on his campus.

Yeah, I woke up, turned on CNN,

seen my son's school.

They said

it's an active sh**ter on the campus.

I said, "Oh God,

let me go put my clothes on."

"Let me go see my... my son."

And then they said,

"The sh**ter is in the library."

I went back to sleep.

I said, "I know my son ain't in there."

He don't f*ck with that room.

I've seen his grades.

If he gets shot in the library,

that's God's will.

Because I prayed

for him to go in there and study.

I asked the Lord to put him in that room.

These ain't jokes.

No, because it's rough.

You got to be a father too. You see it.

Can't even go to Lenox no more.

That smash and grab is for real.

Now, I don't have a problem

with you going into these big stores

like Chanel, g*dd*mn, uh, Louis Vuitton.

Come on, n*gga, CVS?

They're stealing so much sh*t out of CVS,

n*gga, when you go in there,

they got the toothpaste

behind the counter.

You gotta say,

"Give me that Crest right there."

"The big one, n*gga. The big one!"

I mean, they steal that...

don't get me wrong.

When we grew up, we stole. We shoplifted.

We didn't try to take

the whole m*therf*cking store.

We had plans. We took the sh*t we wanted.

And we... we was Mission: Impossible.

We were slick about our sh*t.

We'd get together and say, "Hey, you go

in there and talk to the security guard,

and you talk to the cashier."

"While y'all doing that sh*t,

I'mma snatch all the candy

and meet y'all in the alley."

We never got together and said,

"All right, all 14 of us...

...we'll go in this store

and take all this sh*t."

See, that sh*t don't look scary on TV,

but in real life,

that snatch and grab some scary sh*t.

I was in CVS,

and 14 brothers ran in that b*tch.

I was like,

"White people, call the authorities."

This is an outrage.

I'm flabbergasted.

I'm appalled.

I ran to the security guard,

"Do something!"

He looked me in the face,

"They say, 'Don't do nothing.'"

I ran to the cashier.

I said, "Hit your panic button.

We're being robbed."

She's like,

"We don't have no panic button."

I said, "Well, call the police

and tell them

your baby daddy back up here."

So these m*therf*ckers going

up and down the aisle,

just taking everything,

just stealing the whole store.

So I'm like,

"sh*t, let me go get some toilet paper."

I go get the toilet paper.

These brothers done stole

all the toilet paper.

Who steals toilet paper?

I looked at the young brother.

I said, "Brother,

can you at least leave one roll?"

He looked me in the face,

"Oh, I'm sorry, OG, here you go."

"I ain't even know

that was you, Earthquake."

I said, "n*gga, don't say my name

in this m*therf*cker."

"All these police

and these cameras and sh*t."

"They think I'm in here

stealing sh*t, n*gga."

"Give me... Give me

that g*dd*mn toilet paper, man."

f*ck out of here.

So I wanted to grab the toilet paper

and go out the door,

but I ain't wanna walk out there,

police come, sh**t me,

thinking I'm with them n*gg*s.

So I stand over by the cashier,

so when the police come, they know

I ain't got sh*t to do with this.

But these m*therf*ckers

are still in the store.

Just still in the store taking their time.

So I'm holding the toilet paper.

I got tired of holding toilet paper.

So I just put it on the counter

near the cashier.

Do you know this m*therf*cker

gonna pick it up and ring it up?

"That'll be $4.50."

"b*tch, I ain't giving you

no g*dd*mn money."

"Better put that sh*t in the bag.

Let me get the f*ck on out of here."

"One more roll of toilet paper

ain't gonna help you with this sh*t."

"Put that sh*t on the police report."

"I see why they robbing this b*tch."

"You gonna charge me

and they still in the store."

"f*ck you, hoe."

It's rough out here.

That's why I ain't getting me...

I ain't having no more kids, baby.

I'm out the kids' business.

Matter of fact,

I went and got that vasectomy.

I went right to my doctor's office

and put my own leg in the stirrup.

Do what you gotta do, doc.

We'll fill out that paperwork later.

Come on, n*gga, do it.

He was cutting my sh*t,

and I saw smoke coming up.

I just turned my head.

I was like a woman you taking home

that's mad at you,

just looking out the window.

All my friends were like,

"Why you get a vasectomy?"

I said, "Because

the d*ck no longer can be trusted."

Taking the b*ll*ts out of this g*n.

Can't afford no more m*rder charges.

sh**t up the club and go home,

and don't worry about nothing.

No, I ain't leaving nothing. No... nothing.

Plus, I'm in my 60s.

It's too late to be having kids.

I feel... I feel sorry for you old brothers

still out here in the game.

You better get out these streets

and find you a woman.

I feel sorry when I see them old dudes...

with a one-year-old baby.

Him and the baby got on Pampers.

k*ll yourself, you old-a*s pimp.

He be trying to catch him too.

"Come back here. Come back here."

"That boy quicker

than a m*therf*cker. Come back here, boy."

You and your baby got

the same amount of doctor's appointments.

You arguing with the mother,

"Why would you make his on Tuesday

when you know I got two on Tuesday?"

k*ll yourself, you old a*s player.

Your grandson and your son

in the same class.

Your son come home from school, talking,

"I'm tired of going to school

with my uncle, Daddy."

He be showing out at the cafeteria,

talking about, "Nephew, come here."

"Bring that cookie with you.

Nephew, come here!"

"It's your uncle talking to you.

Respect your elders."

Sixties, you don't supposed to be

still in these streets.

You got to make a decision.

Find you a m*therf*cking woman.

And you need one now

because these next four years

is going to be rough.

You don't know how

this financial situation is gonna happen.

But Trump is about to tear this money out.

He's robbing this m*therf*cker

in plain daylight.

This n*gga's been... He's monetizing

the White House more than Facebook,

any of that sh*t.

He is the m*therf*cking man.

I'm from Washington, DC.

We have federal workers,

and they're some of the most confident,

arrogant employees you'll ever meet.

Because they felt

they could not get fired.

Trump took that sh*t away.

Just told the m*therf*cker,

"Don't come to work on Friday."

Read the email.

In these next four years,

you don't know if it'll affect you or not.

And as a man,

you better make sure you have somebody

on your side that can hold you down,

just in case your pockets get f*cked up.

And what I think it is, it's a woman.

Women always got money.

They keep it in their left titty.

Quiet is kept.

That was the first Cash App.

"Mama, you ain't give me no lunch money."

"Oh, my fault, baby. My fault. My fault."

Had a little baby powder

on it, but it was straight.

These ain't jokes.

God forbid if you have an illness

and you need somebody to take care of you.

Jamie Foxx, good friend of mine,

had a medical emergency.

Fortunately, he had

his daughter on his side

that was able to sit here

and maintain his business

till he went through rehabilitation

to get back on his f*cking feet.

Many people ain't gonna take care of you

when you can't take care of yourself.

And I hate to tell all you men out here

that think you got all these women

on your Rolodex and your rosters,

but I hate to break it to you,

but side b*tches are terrible caregivers.

A side b*tch come see you in a hospital,

rubbing you on the leg,

"Tell me when you get back

on your feet, OG."

And you done forgot

you gave her your credit card.

You laying in a hospital

getting fraud alerts.

Bing, bing-bing-bing-bing, bing,

bing, bing, bing,

bing-bing-bing, bing, bing,

bing, bing, bing-bing-bing.

"Oh, this b*tch is robbing me to death."

Bing, b-b-bing-bing-bing,

bing, bing, bing, bing, bing.

"Oh sh*t, my house now."

Bing, b-b-bing, bing.

"Doctor, take this mask off."

Bing, b-b-bing.

"I need to use your phone."

Bing, bing-bing-bing, bing, bing.

"You need to call your family?"

"No, Bank of America."

Bing, bing-bing-bing, bing, bing.

Push four for fraud.

Some of you men ain't laughing

because you with her right now.

You know she ain't gonna f*ck with you.

These ain't jokes.

Better find you somebody.

Get the f*ck up out the game.

And if you f*ck with Black women,

it's the best time

to find a good Black woman.

The pickings has never been better.

The draft is great.

No, there's so many qualified Black women.

- You want to know why?

- Why?

Because there's very few

of us heterosexual men

who could take on

the responsibility of having a woman

and the responsibility of it.

It is what it is.

And believe me, if you do take on

the financial responsibility of your woman

and you f*ck with one of our women,

I have a PSA announcement for you.

If you get the choice

between paying her condo

or paying for the upkeep of her hair,

n*gga, take the condo.

It's a set rate.

It don't fluctuate.

Condo, you know what you need every month.

Hair, you don't know what it's gonna be.

It goes from two dollars to 250,000.

All depends on who's doing it,

how much you gettin' done,

and what time she gettin' it done.

If you do take on your woman's

financial responsibility for her hair,

like I do with my woman,

you'll have

a whole new respect for bonnets, n*gga.

I pay for my woman's hair,

we go out and have a good time,

that m*therf*cker come home

and go to sleep and don't wrap her hair,

like, mm-mm.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm-mm.

Wake your a*s up.

Mm-mm-mm.

I just paid for that sh*t.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

You gonna get up and...

If you're gonna act like that,

you should've got braids.

This is the time.

Get you a good woman.

You wanna get out the game anyway.

You find you one.

And if you still think

a great woman is based upon

her physical appearance

or her sexual performance,

n*gga, k*ll yourself.

No, I'm saying, you... look, that's not...

I'm not saying that's not important.

I said, you need more than that.

Don't just settle for that.

You're gonna need more than that

for your own future.

Next four years, man,

the most valuable sh*t you have

is your time.

How you spend it,

how you distribute it, your time.

You ain't got no time to be f*cking

with four, seven, eight, twelve women.

sh*t don't work.

Get you one of the good ones.

And if the sexual desire you have,

that thirst,

our women are the women

you want to f*ck with.

Because all you have to do is convince her

that you are her man.

And once she knows she has a man,

then all the freaky sh*t

she ever wanted to do,

she's going to do it with you now

under the terms

that I am doing it with my man.

And when your woman get like that,

she gonna give you so much p*ssy,

you're gonna have to play like you asleep.

That m*therf*cker gonna come in the house,

"Baby, you up?" "Mm-mm."

"If you ain't up, why you talking?"

"I talk in my sleep."

"I don't want no p*ssy today."

"We just came from Bible study."

"What verse was this?"

"Put your panties on.

Take that ball out your mouth."

"This is ridiculous."

"I'm tired as f*ck."

She's like, "I'm ovulating."

f*ck the ova and later.

Tell both of them I said later.

That's why I love them toys.

Because I'm a hell of a wingman.

That rose give you the day off.

I work the sh*t out that rose.

Mm.

Ha-ha-ha, ee.

Ah, ee, ah.

You can watch the game.

"sh**t the ball, m*therf*cker."

"Oh, my fault, baby." "Ee."

"Ah, ee, ah."

"Rub your shoulder

Come on, now, you're being selfish."

"Ee, ah."

"Ee, ah..."

"There you go, there you go."

We got a gusher.

Keep your wet a*s over there.

Don't come over here.

You need sheets for your side of bed.

Ain't nothing wrong with mine.

I'm dry over here.

It's wet over there. I'm dry.

And you ain't squirting right now.

You pissing in my bed.

That is piss. You ain't squirting.

I smell the asparagus.

That's asparagus. I smell it.

That is asparagus.

I smell asparagus.

Find you a motherfuckin' woman, man.

Especially you older m*therf*ckers,

get out the game, man.

Quality over quantity.

You get that, you in there.

Plus, if you honest with yourself

as a man, dawg,

as you get older,

you know you ain't throwin' that d*ck

like you used to.

These ain't jokes.

Even if you don't come

to that realization mentally

or mature to that,

your body lets you know

you ain't like that no more.

You'll see a bunch

of women over there. Boy...

You'll be like,

"Boy, I'd tear that p*ssy up."

Your d*ck be like, "Look here, man."

We gotta get up in the morning.

We ain't got time to f*ck with these hoes.

n*gga, we lost $300 last time

f*cking with these hoes.

Let's get them next Thursday.

You off next Thursday.

You can f*ck three of them next Thursday.

You ain't gotta get up or nothing.

You gotta convince your d*ck to get hard.

"Come on, do it."

I really like this one.

She said it's her birthday.

Do it for your boy.

Why didn't you go down

before I gave her the money?

And some of you men so desperate

to stay on these streets

f*cking with these women,

taking all that Cialis and Viagra,

be tearing that p*ssy up

with a migraine.

"Come on, I don't know how long

Daddy can stay on this p*ssy now."

All my blood done went

around my ankles and my knees.

"You ain't got no Tylenol #3?"

"Daddy gonna have to take a nap,

but I'll get you in the morning."

"If you got a Midol,

I got 30 more seconds."

There's a man in here right now

just took a half of Cialis.

Mm.

"Siri, set the timer for 30 minutes."

I feel sorry for the man

who take that Viagra or Cialis

and the woman don't show up.

He just be on his porch,

"Ain't this some sh*t?"

"I told her I got her $40."

But you gotta make some grown rules

with your brothers.

As a grown man, you'll have

to have conversations with yourself.

Like, one of the conversations is,

what's the standard of living

you wanna have for the rest of your life?

And what you gonna do to maintain it?

That's why it's important

to have a woman in your life.

'Cause you walk up to her and say, "Baby,

what's the standard of living

we wanna have for the rest of our lives?"

She says,

"What the f*ck you talking about?"

Say, "Look, we got two options."

"First option is this,

we can live bare necessities."

"We just buy nothing

but the necessities and our needs."

"And all the extra money we accumulate,

we'll give it to an investment banker

and let him invest it."

"Or option number two,

we can ball till we fall."

"And when we get 70 years old,

we can sell this raggedy a*s house,

move into a one-bedroom apartment,

and then work as greeters at Walmart."

"Now we got two choices, b*tch.

Which one do you want to do?"

"I don't want you to be 50 years old,

'What we gonna do about retirement?'"

"I tried to bring this sh*t up

ten years ago."

"But you wanted to go see Beyonc

and get some red bottoms."

"Now we gotta sleep

in that Chanel purse you just bought."

Me?

I'm a ball until you fall

type m*therf*cker.

I mean, who wanna have

a lot of money when they old

and your hip don't work?

f*ck' on some old p*ssy.

Give me my p*ssy

while I was in this prime.

These ain't jokes.

Reason I came up with this,

I had a nightmare and a dream.

These ain't jokes.

My nightmare was, I was watching

my personally own episode of Unsung.

For white people

that don't know about that TV show,

it's equivalent to your show, um,

Where Are They Now?

So my episode of Unsung,

I was 89 years old in a wheelchair

with a fat, ugly b*tch whooping my a*s.

And all I was saying,

"I'mma tell my social worker

what you've been doing to me."

I bet you won't get no August check.

And you ain't give me no applesauce.

And all I could think about is,

"g*dd*mn, what happened to all my money?"

I'm frugal with my money.

I don't live beyond my means.

And then worse than anything,

what happened to my baby, my woman?

How I get stuck

with a fat, ugly m*therf*cker

who don't give a f*ck about me?

Then I woke up.

And I saw it was a nightmare,

and I was sweating.

And I immediately went to Chase Bank

and took all my money out.

And took it

and gave it to an investment banker.

I said, "Hey man,

I want you to invest this money."

"And this is the standard of living

I want to live for the rest of my life."

He looked at the money and said,

"This is a substantial amount of money

right here. We could definitely do this."

"Just tell us,

how do you want me to invest your money?"

"Do you want me to be aggressive?"

"Do you want me to be conservative?"

"Where do you want me to put your money?"

"I said, "Oh, that's easy."

"Put my money somewhere

that I don't have to come back down here

and k*ll your m*therf*cking a*s."

"Because if you lose all my money,

I'm k*lling everybody in this b*tch."

"You, your ugly a*s wife,

that dog underneath your table,

those fish in that aquarium."

"f*ck that sh*t."

Hey, baby, listen,

me and you made a conscious decision

that we gonna forego our youth

in this chain,

so when we get older,

we can sit on our a*s.

And we take all our extras

and give it to this investment banker,

and he invests it,

and he sends us documents every month

showing how our money is increasing.

And it finally gets to a point,

we're like, "Hey, we got enough money."

"Let's go down there and get our money,

man, and we retire, baby."

And we go down to this n*gga's office,

and that white man look us in the face,

"You ain't even gonna believe this sh*t."

You ain't believe

you gonna live, m*therf*cker.

You gonna get me my money today.

Not tomorrow, today.

Or I'm k*lling everybody in this b*tch.

These ain't jokes, man.

I be watching American Greed.

Them m*therf*ckers be robbing

the sh*t out of them m*therf*ckers.

But some of the people bring

that on themselves.

Like Bernie Madoff could have never

got my money.

His last name is Madoff.

I watch Law & Order, n*gga. That's a clue.

They was like,

"We gonna give your money to Mr. Madoff."

"Mm, no.

You ain't got nobody here named Smith?"

And the only reason

I'm telling y'all this,

God forbid something happen to me

and my family get on social media

with a GoFundMe page.

Don't give them n*gg*s sh*t.

I left some money for me to be buried.

That's why you gotta have

a motherfuckin' woman in your life.

Somebody that you can depend on,

and is a good woman in your life.

And in my humble opinion, brothers,

if you're gonna pick a woman,

make sure you pick a woman

that you can afford.

Yes!

I'm not talking about financial.

I'm talking about expectation.

Every woman on this earth has

the expectation

of the man she wants in her life.

She don't know who he is,

but she damn sure know what he is.

So when you pick a woman,

you want to at least meet up

to the expectation she wants in her life.

You do not want to fall below it.

In other words, if you meet a woman

who have worldly aspirations,

want the finer things in life,

and want to ball all around the world,

but right now in your life,

you are living with your mama,

just receive the p*ssy, then let her go.

Tell her, "Thank you very much,

but I can't afford you."

I don't wanna hold you back

from your blessings.

Especially if you have no desire

to meet those qualifications.

And ain't nothing wrong with it.

That means that ain't your woman.

Remember, you're looking for Miss Right,

not Miss Right Now.

You will meet your woman's expectations.

Being man enough, like,

"Nah, you're too much for me, baby."

"I can't afford you."

Some of you men can't do that.

Because your ego.

You have a problem with women

that want a certain standard of living.

When they put it upon you

and you don't wanna do it,

you look at them

and call them gold diggers.

Look at that gold digger. I ain't f*cking

with it. Let's correct this sh*t.

To be a gold digger, n*gga,

you must at least have gold.

See, one thing about women,

they do settle.

And they do compromise.

And you as a man,

if you know you're not meeting up to

that woman's standard of the man she want,

nor do you have no desire on doing it,

and you make her your woman,

you're playing a dangerous game.

Because God forbid,

if y'all ever go through

some hard m*therf*cking times,

or you f*ck up like we do. Men f*ck up,

and she run into that work husband

who... meet those expectations she wants...

...I hate to break it to you, player,

but your baby gone quick.

And it's gonna be quick too. Like, pe-ew.

Do you know how "pe-ew" is?

Pe-ew, pe-ew, pe-ew.

She gonna be gone like that. Pe-ew.

Have you singing one of them '70s songs?

Have you seen her?

Tell me, have you seen her?

Why, oh, why did you have to leave me

And go away?

These ain't jokes.

I know this.

My father could not afford my mother.

I used to look at my parents all the time

and be like,

"Daddy, how'd you get her?"

"This don't match."

My mother was a debutante.

My mother was that chick.

My mother hung out with

some of the biggest stars in the world.

When I see my mother and father,

it was like looking at

Diana Ross and Grady from Sanford and Son.

My mother was that chick.

My mama dated the biggest star.

I remember one time she hollered it out.

My mother let you know

who she f*cked with.

She didn't give a f*ck where we was at.

I remember one time

we was at Thanksgiving,

just having dinner, whole family around.

My mother just hollered out, "You know

your mama f*cked with Marvin Gaye."

I said, "You used to f*ck with

Marvin Gaye?" She's like, "Yeah."

I just looked her in the face and said,

"Well, how'd you blow that?"

"No offense, Daddy,

but I'd rather be a Gaye."

"I don't even want no yams

after hearing this bullshit."

"You couldn't trap him?

They say he was on drugs."

These ain't jokes.

Don't get it twisted.

She ran that m*therf*cking house

with an iron f*cking arm.

She didn't play, n*gga. Her word was word.

We had to adjust to my mother.

My mother wake up in the morning

and she in a good mood,

that means everybody in the house

got permission to have a good day today.

My mama wake up in the morning and she...

she in a bad mood and she pissed off,

it's hell to pay.

I don't give a f*ck what you do,

what it is, she cussing your a*s out.

Your father can't help

because this n*gga can't talk.

She is making it miserable.

You'd rather be in jail

than in my mama's house

when she's in that mood.

It's so bad the dog

just jump over the fence,

and say, "I'll live in the alley

before I go back in that house."

Don't get me wrong,

I love my mama to death,

but if she wasn't my mama, n*gga,

I wouldn't f*ck with her.

She ain't my kind of woman.

People always come to me, "Don't you wanna

marry a woman just like your mama?"

f*ck no.

I used to tell my daddy all the time,

"n*gga, why you still here?"

"I know why I'm here.

I'm only eight years old."

"You got a car and a job.

Get out of here, Daddy. Ride."

"Find some happiness.

Get out of here, Daddy. Go, go."

I used to treat him

like we was on a plantation.

"You gets out of here.

b*tch, you gets, you hear me? You gets."

"Don't you come back here no more."

"You runs and you runs

until you can't runs no more."

"You hears me, Daddy?"

I was like a white woman

in a horror movie. "Go without me."

"Save yourself."

"There's no reason

for the monster to get both of us."

"Daddy, go!"

These ain't jokes.

Me and my mother got along,

but I let her know all the time,

you better stop

taking your husband for granted,

treating him like that.

Got my father out here

working eight, nine jobs

to maintain a standard of living

we both know y'all can't afford.

My mother was a true Black woman,

just looked me in the face.

"He a'ight."

I said, "He's 80 with a paper route."

My friend be like,

"What kind of p*ssy your mama got?"

"She got this n*gga throwing papers

in his 80s."

And I got money,

so I try to help my father out.

Like, "Daddy,

you don't need all them jobs. I got you."

"No, no, no, no, no, no."

"She's my responsibility."

I said, "You can't afford her no more."

He said, "I can't afford her?"

I said, "Daddy, you got a paper route."

You're delivering

Tuesday's papers on Saturdays.

He done look me in the face,

"But they got it though, didn't they?"

These ain't jokes.

I told my mama, me and mama was honest.

I said, "You better pray to God

you leave this earth before he do."

"'Cause if Daddy leave first,

you ain't living with me."

"And if you do live with me,

you're gonna earn your keeps in my house."

"f*ck that sh*t. You're gonna do

some vacuuming or some dusting."

"You ain't gonna be walking around

this b*tch like you Queen Sheba

with them little furry-a*s slippers on

and that rat dog you got. f*ck that."

I'mma go buy a Patti LaBelle cookbook,

like, "Pick a page."

Man, f*ck that.

My mother knows

she has unrealistic expectations.

Got my daddy out there like that.

But I remember when my daddy died, man.

I went to see him.

I was at the funeral home,

and I looked in the casket.

My... my father was just smiling.

I just rubbed him on the knee.

"You free now, player."

When you get to heaven,

don't you date her a*s no more.

When she come through that gate,

I want you to hide behind the clouds.

I don't want

you giving her your afterlife too, Daddy.

I was eight years old

when I knew my daddy ain't had no rights.

I came to my daddy, I said,

"Daddy, can I go outside?"

He said, "Sure."

I said, "What time I gotta be back?"

He said, "Till the street lights come on."

I said, "Ooh, thank you, Daddy."

I said, "You see that little girl there?"

He said, "Yeah."

I said, "That's my friend.

That's Kim. I'm trying to be with her."

"That's my girl, man, and um...

and my two friends right there,

we about to walk

down to the candy store, Daddy."

"Can you give me some money so I can get

something from the candy lady?"

He said, "Sure, champ."

Gave me five dollars.

You know how much five dollars was in 72?

Soon as he put it in my hand,

I was already imagining

how I'd go down to the candy lady

and buy that b*tch out.

Just kick the screen door.

Give me 15 Chick-O-Sticks,

five bags

of m*therf*cking sunflower seeds...

14 m*therf*cking Sugar Daddies,

four g*dd*mn Tootsie Rolls,

four honey buns, three grape sodas.

Oh, that's

my little girlfriend right there.

Give her the candy necklace.

I'm really trying

to get her to be my girlfriend.

Give her the bracelet too.

So how much I got? Four dollars left?

Hold on to that

because I'm coming back here

and buy this b*tch out

again and again and again.

I'm Earthquake, y'all.

Thank y'all very much.

There ain't another

About to grind like me

There ain't another

About to shine like me

There ain't another survivor

That's why others can't

See, everybody else ain't me

There ain't another

About to grind like me

There ain't another

About to shine like me

There ain't another survivor

That's why the others can't

See, everybody else ain't me

Make moves and don't settle

Break moves and pay dues

Then go level

I'm kicking the door

Don't last if they'll let you

If winning a world sport

I have me a gold medal

And a gold bezel

A little shine on my wrist

You see me coming

You know what time it is

Go ring the alarm

I'm bringing it all

When you come to my stage

Make sure you bring the applause

I'm a showstopper, globetrotter...

Mm, that was good!