01x03 - Boro

[bunniefuu]

♪ Beef House

♪♪

♪ Beef House [Beef House]

♪ Beef

Come on.
You got it.

Spank, spank, spank!

Awesome! -[knocking] Hey, Tim.
Could I get a hand, please?

Yeah, one sec!

I got a handful
of groceries out here.

Can you open the door?
- Hang on!

I'm just in the middle
of something!

That's it! You submit!
You submit!

Don't worry.
I got it.

Sorry. I'm just trying
to beat this final level

of "Ultimate
Drill Sergeant."

Gotcha. Back from my
daily errands.

Cool.
Did you get my back pills?

Yep. Stopped at the
pharmacy for you.

No problem.
- Okay. Don't forget.

I need to take those with milk.

Gotcha. Pills and milk,
like every day.

Okay.
What about lunch?

Well, I was thinkin'
about heatin' up some

of my leftover beef lasagna.

Mmm. I like
the sound of that.

You know, a night in the fridge

reallyhelps those
flavors develop.

I'm talkin' about the moozarel,

the San Marzano tomatoes,

the gabagool,
the fresh Parmesanish.

I'm gettin' hungry,
just thinkin' about it.

Don't forget the milk, though.

Hey. Do you mind taking
your shoes off the couch?

- Sorry, what?
- Do you mind taking

your dirty feet off the couch?

You know Megan hates that.
- Dude, they're not dirty.

I just cleaned them
with baby wipes.

Just take them off.

Take them off the couch! -Alright.
Alright. Alright. Alright!

I'll take my feet off the couch.

Megan!

What are you doing
with my beef lasagna?!

This huge pan was taking up

way too much space
in the fridge.

Plus, I think
the beef is spoiled.

It stinks!
- The beef is not spoiled.

Everyone knows that
a night in the fridge

helps develop flavors

for beautiful beef lasagna.

Now, what am I supposed to do?

Well, I'm sure
you will figure it out.

You know, and I don't
appreciate having

to clean up after you every day.

That fridge is a mess!

[ Poignant tune plays ]Megan, I'm trying.

I mean that.
[ Sigh ]

Listen, do you think
we could talk about us

later tonight?
- I don't know.

We're really close
to a big break

in the Richards m*rder.
- I thought that case was cold.

What the hell do you
know about my job?!

Ugh! Whatever.

Don't wait up for me.

Alright.
Have a good day at work.

I love you.
- Tim, feet off the couch!

Feet! Off!

Alright!

Have fun playing cops
and robbers,

catchin' jaywalkers.

Damn!
She got places to be!

How was work today, Ron?

[scoff]
Got laid off again!

- Oh, man.
- g*dd*mn it!

I tell you,
there's just no place

for a hardworkin' fool no more!

I think I'm just gonna
go on and take a bath,

come back down and dig into some

of that beef lasagna
from last night.

Sorry, guys.

No beef lasagna.

- What?!
- Megan tossed it out.

Why would she throw it out?
It makes no sense.

It's better the next day!
- I was gonna pound

that beef lasagna
down my throat!

sh*t!

I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but, I got your pills and milk.

Thank you.

You're welcome.
Listen, I was talkin'

to my sister
about my nephew Boro.

He's having a really
bad time at school,

major discipline problems.

- Hm.
- He bit a teacher.

He bit a kid.
- He bit a kid?

Baby Boro bit that boy bad.

- [Whistles]
- So, I suggested

that Boro come and stay with us

for a couple days
and give her a break.

It's funny. I've been
playin' this cool game

called "Ultimate Drill
Sergeant" on my phone

- Uh-huh.
- and it teaches you how

to discipline young recruits.

Maybe I could use some
of those techniques on Boro.

Now, you're usin' your head.

I'm gonna grind him into shape.

He is gonna be sayin',
"Yes, sir! Yes, ma'am!

Yes, sir!
Yes, ma'am!

Yes, sir! Yes, ma'am!

Yes, sir!
Yes ma'am!"

Beef.

Just a little "me" time.

Hey, Ben.
You doin' a load?

No, I'm doing the laundry.

Yeah.
That's what I said.

You said load.

Yes, a loadof laundry.

You mean take a sh*t?

No. That's
droppinga load.

These nasty sheets
got load of sperm

from my wet dream.

Okay.
TMI, but thank you, Ben.

- So.
- Hey.

I was doin' a little
brainstormin'

up in the bathtub and I thought

we could turn this into

the Beef House
Bad Boys Boot Camp.

That's a great idea.

We could charge these boys

and we can finally contribute

to Megan's mortgage payments.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Both: Speak of the devil.

One minute.

It's Boro.

Hey, Boro.
Welcome to the Beef House.

Come on in.

I'd like to introduce you
to Uncle Tim.

Hi, Uncle Tim.

You're not gonna be
callin' me Uncle Tim!

You're gonna be calling me sir!

Do you understand me?
- Yes.

Yes, what?!

Yes, sir.

Now, we're gonna have some rules

around this Beef House.

First up, you're gonna wake up

at 6:00 am
every morning.

You're gonna make your bed

and you're gonna
salute the flag.

Yes, sir!
No, sir!

Yes, sir! No, sir!

Yes, sir!
No, sir!

You understand that?!

- Yes, sir.
- Then come on over here

and give me a firm handshake.

See? This is gonna
work out just fine.

- Aaaaaah!
- Ah, Boro!

Get 'im off me!
Get 'im off me!

No!
What did you do to Tim?!

He got an artery!

He got something bad!

What the hell's
goin' on down here?

That son of a b*tch stabbed me!

- Take Boro to your cage!
- What the hell?!

You come with me,
you little as*h*le!

- I'm bleeding out, Eric!
- Oh, my god.

Ben Hur, get in here!

We need somethin'
to stop the bleeding!

- Oh! -Wait, wait, wait.
Are those your semen sheets?

Yes they are.

They're covered
in your love goo?

- Mm-hmm.
- From your wet dreams?

Yes. Certainly.

Get it outta here!
That would give him

a staphinfection!
- Aaaah!

Get offa me.
Get offa me!

I gotta get myself
down to urgent care.

When I come back,
I'm gonna show Boro

who's boss around here,
you hear me?!

I'm comin' for you, boy!

I'm comin' for you!

[ Funk theme plays ]

♪ Beef ♪

Get in here!

Get your little a*s in there,
you little sh*t.

[ Clang ]

You're a bad, bad boy.
You know that?

I can't believe
you stabbed Uncle Tim.

You hungry, Doggy Boy?

Yeah.
I'm hungry.

But don't call me Doggy Boy.

You're acting like a doggy.

You know what doggies
like to eat, right?

Trash!
Which, by the way,

I just happen
to have some right here.

[sniffing] Fresh trash!

I'm gonna scoop you
a little portion, Boro.

[ Clanging ]

Eat up, Boro.

Not bad.

This trash is --

[smacks lips]
Hey, you're right.

Nice, fresh beef,

rigatoni, cottage cheese.

I think this is lasagna!

Hey, Boro.
You wanna hear a secret?

- Yeah.
- I sneak up fresh trash

every night and I just have
a trash feast by myself.

It's good to have
some company now.

Ron, you take five.

I got this.

Aaaah! Aaaah!

Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!

Not so tough, now,
are you, Boro?

You think you can stab Uncle Tim

and get away with it?
I don't think so!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

[crying] I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to hurt you.

It's alright.
Boro, stop cryin', okay?

[ Tender tune plays ]It's, uh, it's okay.
Listen, I-I--

I know it's hard and...

[ Continues crying ]

...it's not easy
bein' a kid, right?

Eh! Aah!

Hey, he's got another knife!

Damn it, I'm --

[ Upbeat rock sting plays ]

Beef.

Hey, I got you
your pills and milk.

Listen, Eric, it's official.

Boro's gotta go.

I just wish Tennessee Luke
Fortenberry III was here.

He'd know what to do.

He's on a spiritual
retreat, man.

Nocontact.

He's not even
on the g*dd*mn grid!

Hey, look who it is!

Tennessee's back!
[ Applause ]

sh*t!

[ Laughing ]

- Alright!
- Welcome back!

[ Laughing ]

I felt that Tim was
in danger, so,

I have returned
from my vision quest.

Come on in here, Tennee.

Sit.

We got big problems
here, Tennessee.

We need your help, bad.

I've been studying
Boro's mind waves.

[ Ethereal tune plays ]I can visualize it.

I can see it, clear as day.

Boro's hurting inside.

He's not an evil boy.

He just needs love.

That makes a lotta sense.

Tim, you know, your hard-a*s
approach is just not working.

I think he needs
a gentler touch.

But, Tennessee, how do we do it?

There's a shortcut.

I can remap his brain,
erase those memories,

and get 'im back
on the right track.

- Right.
- I just need to go

into a deep, deep,

deep

sleep.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Asphyxiating ]

♪♪

[ Beep ]
[ Squelching]

♪♪

It is finished!

Bring him to me.

Alright, Tennessee, I trust you,

but I sure as hell
don't trust him,

so everybody be on guard.

I hear him coming.

♪♪

Uh-oh.

Here comes bad boy.

He's got another knife!

No-no, Boro.

Ron: Uh-oh.

♪♪

[ Clatter ]

Tennessee, it worked!

Yes. I don't feel angry
or sad anymore.

Wow.
Incredible!

I'm sorry I stabbed you,
Uncle Tim.

And, this time, I mean it.

Handshake?

I don't know if I can trust 'im.

You've been stabbed.
You've been

in the hospital twice,
and you still

haven't had your pills and milk.

I got this.

[ Poignant tune plays ]

How about a hug?

[ Laughing ]

Hey! What do you say we
all make old Boro, here,

a permanent resident
of this here

Beef House?
All in favor, say, "Aye."

All: Aye!

[chanting]
Boro! Boro!

Boro! Boro! Boro!

Boro! Boro!
- Guys.

- Boro. Bo--
- Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Hey, honey. We had
a pretty exciting day here

at the Beef House.
Boro came over

and Tim did a little
tough love on him

and then Tennessee
remapped his mind

and, now, he's
a well-behaved little boy.

We just took a vote
and Boro's gonna become

a permanent member
of the Beef House.

Oh! [claps]

I don't care.
I've had a long day

and all I want
is some peace and quiet.

- Okay, honey.
- Can we do that, please?

Why is there a knife
on the floor?

Uh... yeah.

I'll be up later.

Yes.

Hey, let's eat the lasagna.

Ah. Mm.
Sorry, Ben, but,

Megan tossed the lasagna
this morning.

Not so fast, guys.

[ Bag crinkling ]

Trash lasagna!

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

[ Splat ]

♪♪

Beef.

Abso... Lutely.

♪♪
[ Drumroll ]